Feeling Down

Today has been a series of disappointments as I go from one drop to the next. I have more issues right now than what I can honestly feel I can explain well in mere journaling. The main thing I am upset about is that it is becoming more and more likely that I blew it down in New Orleans and I have lost my last friend I had from High School. John and I are very different people and I think both of us has known this for years, even sense high school we went different directions in life. I think this made it hard for me to reconnect with him to begin with, but adding on that some stress and I became a "me monster" only thinking about my things and my well being rather than the sacrifice others were making for me, to help me get though the experience of having my keys and clothes taken.

At first I had no idea why he was not returning my calls and texts. Eventually it became more evident that there was a problem. I could tell when I was with him that he was the type of person who would not always answer his phone and I get that sense now that he sees I'm calling and automatically shuts me out even if I am calling to apologize. He has no e-mail address or mailing that I can use so I am really limited to calling him and so far I have no been able to get through to him.

I called him again today and left a message once again for him to call me back. I also sent him a very short apology in a text message that I'm not even sure if he will get or not, depending on if he gets texts messages. I know I should be stronger after all the other times this has happened to me, but this time its different. John was one of my oldest friends, someone that links me to my past at Caddo Magnet, and now with him out of the picture, there is no one else.

I know this won't kill me, so I won't go to my 20 year reunion, but I still feel bad. I mean if I was the cause of this can I not be allowed to at least say I'm sorry? I feel like this is the Wilson thing all over again. Where I fessed up and sent them a letter, something almost unheard of in this day and age, and from them I have heard nothing. I'm sure they were not going to call me or write and I have moved so in their defense they would not be able to find me that easily, but still I feel that they decided I just don't exist any more and that is the end of it. Why does this has to happen again? It feels so wasteful like all the effort that went into a friendship has been undone and counts for nothing. How can people be so hurt or heartless to not even be able to talk about it? Okay so I didn't fill his whole tank up with gas after I borrowed his truck, is that something so bad to never call someone back? I guess I am just confused because I don't really know what it was I did or if he is not even mad at me at all? But surely he is getting these messages? So I am sure he knows I want to talk to him? My guess is he is mad and that is why I am not hearing from him.

John and I are different and I maybe just need to let this go because we are incapable of being friends we are just too different to find any common ground. I just have to be strong, own up to my part in this, and move on with my life. I have done all I can do, I'm not going to keep calling him and leaving messages... So now I'm just sad. I lost s friend, its rather like someone dying except they could come back to you if they wanted to. At least when a person dies you know its the end and there is nothing that can be done. You mourn and then move on. This to me feels worse, I know John is okay out there and he could call me if he wanted to, but he chooses to pretend I do not exist, he chooses to act like he is dead to me.

I know I am sounding rather bleak here and over dramatic. This is what happens when I journal in the thick of my revelation of what reality I am really in...I was being to feel friendless and it seems the only friends I can attract are the very ones I am not seeking after. Two gay men on the west coast. One is in love with me and I am not sure what to do. It sickens me and I feel I have to do the same thing that John is doing to me to get him to stop. The only problem is I don't have the heart to do that to another person, even if I dislike them or their mannerisms. The other guy is better, but never seems to get me off of his mind, which is also a bit worrisome. Meanwhile to make matters worse, the one friend I would LOVE to get to hang out with more and know better did NOT invite me to his birthday party nor has he invited me to see Friday the 13th which in my twitter blog (which I know he reads) I was very clear about wanting to see it, but not having anyone to go with. And he blogs about how he went and it was a great movie.... I was so mad and now I realize he has no interest in really involving me with his social life or he is so socially illiterate that he can't seem to realize that I might like to do more things with him. In either case I'm at a dead end there too.

I am ranting here in the very long paragraphs, but this is true to form for me as to why I journal. I do this to work out my feelings on paper or in this case in blog form so I can reflect and think about my life. I feel a little better now, but closed like I want to just craw into bed and forget about the unloving world out there. This happens sometimes and I know I just have to deal with it. More on this later if anything important comes up.
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