I honestly do not know what to do now and I don't have the patience to go on trying to stop what I know is bad for me. Help! Okay, I know it has been some time since my last journal entry so this is what is going on in my life at the moment.
I have been getting back into porn now. I was doing this edging game that basically makes you edge but not cum. I wanted to see if I could do this for the sake of a challenge and to train me not to cum every time I jerk off. Man I am so upset. I completely went off the deep end with this and have I think -60 points because I kept having orgasms. All I wanted to do was edge and I go all the way. So I made the choice to stop the game. To just throw in the towel and canceled it. That is fine, but I needed to do something else. I have to stop all this easy access to porn on-line. This is the thing that is hurting me, that is sinful. I know the game was pushing me to look at porn as an unintended consequence of me constantly masturbating. So I decided, okay, lets get some freedom from this once and for and and get a blocker. I had a great one before my computer crashed that did work! Pro Con, a Fire Fox add on. Well my computer crashed and I had to re-add it. Well, it never worked after that and all the bad stuff got through just fine and dandy. What was worse was I had to be all sneaky and hide the password, a really dumb thing to do when the site doesn't block anything! So I tried to uninstall it and re-add, well its STILL password protected, so then I decided to try to download a free one off the web, well I got it on and that doesn't block xtube either! I am so upset! If God wants me to be free of this stuff, why doesn't He make it easier for me to block it? Clearly I am not able to control myself in the heat of temptation, so its an impossible situation unless I was to basically not have any internet access anymore, which is crazy. My only other option I can think of is actually buying a blocker, which sucks, $10 a month because I can't control myself! This is ridiculous!
Anyways, I had to vent now and this is the way I like to do it. I know I haven't been keeping up with my blog, but really things have been okay until today. I hate this addiction to porn. I wonder if I have to re-enroll to Doors of Hope yet again and get a mentor to stop this. They will want me to not masturbate again, which is way too extreme in the other direction. I just need some balance! Maybe complete prohibition is the answer? But its sooooo incredibly difficult and draining. I know I can do all things through Christ, but what does he want for me anyways? Maybe I just need to rely on Him more and not some blocker, and that is why He is not allowing this to happen right now. He wants me to go to Him and try to find my will He has for me. If its 100% stoppage, then fine. I only pray that I can hear clearly what He wants and be able to follow through, knowing full well how weak my flesh is. I have to stop desiring the bad things as if that was something good. NO! It's not! Okay, I'll keep you posted on the next melt down.
Update:
A few hours later. Well I had to read this again once it was published and I was caught off guard by the fact that I had almost a nearly identical entry from last November, and then again in December and January. Then since January I have not discussed this subject. This is exactly why its so important to journal. I can see where I have been, its so easy to forget that even recently I have addressed these issues quite well, but have failed to follow through with the action steps and convictions. More clarity comes with perspective. Once I bring myself out of the frustrations of the day I see the larger picture.
So what am I seeing? I see that the devil has me on a lovely merry go round. I arrive with some really solid points and convictions, but in a short week I am back to my old ways. The law of Sin is written on my heart. I don't need a plan or a rule to tell me to go back on line and jerk off to stuff I know will turn me on and excite me. The devil is good at what he does, yes I can see it now. I have said this before even. I have always had a problem with implementation of my rules. That is why every plan I try has failed, that in a way is why I want a site blocker. It is something outside of myself that can prevent me from getting what I want. Its like asking a druggie to give up cocaine, while leaving a supply for him in the room to use at anytime. I know I can't cut it off, but I can certainly figure out a way to cut off the food that is feeding my lust, porn!
The devil wants me to get tired of this and go about with business as usual. He wants me to go down my list and try to be "productive" with the remains of this Sunday so that I can go about my affairs, fall into lust again and log right back onto xtube in three or fours days, right on time, like clockwork. Oh this fight is on now! For one of the first times in my life, I see what the problem is! It's not taking this seriously! Its me coming up with plans, but not taking them seriously in my day to day life. It's the fact that I am not vigilance every waking moment whether I am horny or not. You see by not being aware of what happens I can be so easily influenced and manipulated to ease right back to where I was. Sure I had small victories, but the enemies number one weapon on me is complacency. I think that is why I never thought again about the Manifesto. It had become a burden, a chore, something to say I have done so I could check it off my list and go about more "important" business. When I read that again this afternoon I saw that I had the answers! I had a way out, all figured out in a series of rules. And in a manner of speaking I all of my plans have failed at the same point, they failed at my lack of daily, even hourly vigilance.
There was a plan once that I used back in 2003 that was in a way relatively effective and I think the reason it was effective was a daily recitation of the rules that I HAD to do everyday no matter what. That is where this has to come to. A blocker is effective, but its a bad-aid that sooner or later will be breached, it does not effectively eliminate the desires in the first place. Okay, so where does this lead me now? (and I know I have asked this question before)
I will do my best, to follow these steps as close as I can.
(1) I will commit to write out a list of things I need to NOT do and recite them everyday no matter what. This will basically be the Manifesto recommendation I had in the revelation. The recommendations needs to be distilled in some VERY basic action steps that I can do and memorize.
(2) I will commit to read a new website I have found on "moral" masturbation. This is to see what other gems of wisdom there may be out there that can apply to me in my present cycle the devil has me on.
(3) I will commit on my honor to do #1 and #2 to the best of my ability.
I know I have done this before, I have made vows before God and my honor to "not do it anymore" and have broken these vows. All I am wanting now is a vow to do what I already said I would! To learn as much as I can and above all to STOP looking at xtube. I am pretty sure that if I EVER look at that site again I will do the service such as Safe Eyes and pay to get it off, its crazy but I am making an advanced decision at this point to NOT go onto that site or others like it. That includes seeing private parts on gear fetish.com.
Okay, that's it for now!
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Sunday, May 10, 2009
Sunday, February 15, 2009
Feeling Down
Today has been a series of disappointments as I go from one drop to the next. I have more issues right now than what I can honestly feel I can explain well in mere journaling. The main thing I am upset about is that it is becoming more and more likely that I blew it down in New Orleans and I have lost my last friend I had from High School. John and I are very different people and I think both of us has known this for years, even sense high school we went different directions in life. I think this made it hard for me to reconnect with him to begin with, but adding on that some stress and I became a "me monster" only thinking about my things and my well being rather than the sacrifice others were making for me, to help me get though the experience of having my keys and clothes taken.
At first I had no idea why he was not returning my calls and texts. Eventually it became more evident that there was a problem. I could tell when I was with him that he was the type of person who would not always answer his phone and I get that sense now that he sees I'm calling and automatically shuts me out even if I am calling to apologize. He has no e-mail address or mailing that I can use so I am really limited to calling him and so far I have no been able to get through to him.
I called him again today and left a message once again for him to call me back. I also sent him a very short apology in a text message that I'm not even sure if he will get or not, depending on if he gets texts messages. I know I should be stronger after all the other times this has happened to me, but this time its different. John was one of my oldest friends, someone that links me to my past at Caddo Magnet, and now with him out of the picture, there is no one else.
I know this won't kill me, so I won't go to my 20 year reunion, but I still feel bad. I mean if I was the cause of this can I not be allowed to at least say I'm sorry? I feel like this is the Wilson thing all over again. Where I fessed up and sent them a letter, something almost unheard of in this day and age, and from them I have heard nothing. I'm sure they were not going to call me or write and I have moved so in their defense they would not be able to find me that easily, but still I feel that they decided I just don't exist any more and that is the end of it. Why does this has to happen again? It feels so wasteful like all the effort that went into a friendship has been undone and counts for nothing. How can people be so hurt or heartless to not even be able to talk about it? Okay so I didn't fill his whole tank up with gas after I borrowed his truck, is that something so bad to never call someone back? I guess I am just confused because I don't really know what it was I did or if he is not even mad at me at all? But surely he is getting these messages? So I am sure he knows I want to talk to him? My guess is he is mad and that is why I am not hearing from him.
John and I are different and I maybe just need to let this go because we are incapable of being friends we are just too different to find any common ground. I just have to be strong, own up to my part in this, and move on with my life. I have done all I can do, I'm not going to keep calling him and leaving messages... So now I'm just sad. I lost s friend, its rather like someone dying except they could come back to you if they wanted to. At least when a person dies you know its the end and there is nothing that can be done. You mourn and then move on. This to me feels worse, I know John is okay out there and he could call me if he wanted to, but he chooses to pretend I do not exist, he chooses to act like he is dead to me.
I know I am sounding rather bleak here and over dramatic. This is what happens when I journal in the thick of my revelation of what reality I am really in...I was being to feel friendless and it seems the only friends I can attract are the very ones I am not seeking after. Two gay men on the west coast. One is in love with me and I am not sure what to do. It sickens me and I feel I have to do the same thing that John is doing to me to get him to stop. The only problem is I don't have the heart to do that to another person, even if I dislike them or their mannerisms. The other guy is better, but never seems to get me off of his mind, which is also a bit worrisome. Meanwhile to make matters worse, the one friend I would LOVE to get to hang out with more and know better did NOT invite me to his birthday party nor has he invited me to see Friday the 13th which in my twitter blog (which I know he reads) I was very clear about wanting to see it, but not having anyone to go with. And he blogs about how he went and it was a great movie.... I was so mad and now I realize he has no interest in really involving me with his social life or he is so socially illiterate that he can't seem to realize that I might like to do more things with him. In either case I'm at a dead end there too.
I am ranting here in the very long paragraphs, but this is true to form for me as to why I journal. I do this to work out my feelings on paper or in this case in blog form so I can reflect and think about my life. I feel a little better now, but closed like I want to just craw into bed and forget about the unloving world out there. This happens sometimes and I know I just have to deal with it. More on this later if anything important comes up.
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At first I had no idea why he was not returning my calls and texts. Eventually it became more evident that there was a problem. I could tell when I was with him that he was the type of person who would not always answer his phone and I get that sense now that he sees I'm calling and automatically shuts me out even if I am calling to apologize. He has no e-mail address or mailing that I can use so I am really limited to calling him and so far I have no been able to get through to him.
I called him again today and left a message once again for him to call me back. I also sent him a very short apology in a text message that I'm not even sure if he will get or not, depending on if he gets texts messages. I know I should be stronger after all the other times this has happened to me, but this time its different. John was one of my oldest friends, someone that links me to my past at Caddo Magnet, and now with him out of the picture, there is no one else.
I know this won't kill me, so I won't go to my 20 year reunion, but I still feel bad. I mean if I was the cause of this can I not be allowed to at least say I'm sorry? I feel like this is the Wilson thing all over again. Where I fessed up and sent them a letter, something almost unheard of in this day and age, and from them I have heard nothing. I'm sure they were not going to call me or write and I have moved so in their defense they would not be able to find me that easily, but still I feel that they decided I just don't exist any more and that is the end of it. Why does this has to happen again? It feels so wasteful like all the effort that went into a friendship has been undone and counts for nothing. How can people be so hurt or heartless to not even be able to talk about it? Okay so I didn't fill his whole tank up with gas after I borrowed his truck, is that something so bad to never call someone back? I guess I am just confused because I don't really know what it was I did or if he is not even mad at me at all? But surely he is getting these messages? So I am sure he knows I want to talk to him? My guess is he is mad and that is why I am not hearing from him.
John and I are different and I maybe just need to let this go because we are incapable of being friends we are just too different to find any common ground. I just have to be strong, own up to my part in this, and move on with my life. I have done all I can do, I'm not going to keep calling him and leaving messages... So now I'm just sad. I lost s friend, its rather like someone dying except they could come back to you if they wanted to. At least when a person dies you know its the end and there is nothing that can be done. You mourn and then move on. This to me feels worse, I know John is okay out there and he could call me if he wanted to, but he chooses to pretend I do not exist, he chooses to act like he is dead to me.
I know I am sounding rather bleak here and over dramatic. This is what happens when I journal in the thick of my revelation of what reality I am really in...I was being to feel friendless and it seems the only friends I can attract are the very ones I am not seeking after. Two gay men on the west coast. One is in love with me and I am not sure what to do. It sickens me and I feel I have to do the same thing that John is doing to me to get him to stop. The only problem is I don't have the heart to do that to another person, even if I dislike them or their mannerisms. The other guy is better, but never seems to get me off of his mind, which is also a bit worrisome. Meanwhile to make matters worse, the one friend I would LOVE to get to hang out with more and know better did NOT invite me to his birthday party nor has he invited me to see Friday the 13th which in my twitter blog (which I know he reads) I was very clear about wanting to see it, but not having anyone to go with. And he blogs about how he went and it was a great movie.... I was so mad and now I realize he has no interest in really involving me with his social life or he is so socially illiterate that he can't seem to realize that I might like to do more things with him. In either case I'm at a dead end there too.
I am ranting here in the very long paragraphs, but this is true to form for me as to why I journal. I do this to work out my feelings on paper or in this case in blog form so I can reflect and think about my life. I feel a little better now, but closed like I want to just craw into bed and forget about the unloving world out there. This happens sometimes and I know I just have to deal with it. More on this later if anything important comes up.
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Saturday, January 10, 2009
The Manifesto
Short Personal Update:
I plan on doing this informally and in clips and phrases, rather than one decisive comprehensive piece of thought and future policy. I would also never normally take the time to do this on a Saturday night with two movies waiting to be watched from Movie Gallery, but I will remain committed to following through with the deadlines that I am imposing on myself.
So where am I now on the great issue and question of masturbation? Well first off I think it is invaluable to be able to write on this issue when I am not in the guilt phase or the horny phase, but have a clear mind and ability to process what I know and what I need to be doing. I have masturbated today, but compared to what I have been doing only earlier this week, it was a very tame and guiltless exercise of self relief and discharge needed to keep me focused on other more important things. Its best to day that I have undergone something like an amputation of my ability to see and experience whatever I please. I have added an internet filter called Pro Con to my Firefox browser that is free and very effective. I have a password I use to constantly adjust its settings, but I am proud to report that I am no longer going onto penis worship sites or the like and the longer I am away from it, the less hold these things seem to have on me. This is a true blessing and I am really happy to say that this approach seems to be working for the moment.
The deeper issue I am having at this time has to do largely with my future and if I possess the ability to become a husband. Dating is very hard work and I am very frustrated that I lack the inner desire to pursue the girls that have been put into my path. The truth be told, I know I am partly gay, or even bi-sexual, but because of my deeply rooted religious convictions, I am refusing to give into any of that and remain steadfast in either a marriage or celibacy. I pray and hope that I can get through to Jennifer and really want to spend time with her and she me, but it is so hard not being close and not being able to become intimate. I know that God has someone out there for me, I just pray that I can find her and that she would be willing to accept me for who I am as a person.
But all of this having been said, is important for a context in my present journey, but not really for the purpose I have at hand and what I have alluded to in either journal entries-the great manifesto, the final written discourse on masturbation, sex, porn, lust fetishes and all of the likes in between. I have set today as the die date for this manifesto, but I fear that it can not be done in a single day, there is too much to cover and discover in the course of life to ever really be done with such a thing, but I will try my best to take a stab at this and come up with some rough outlines of what this needs to be and what this will be used for.
Purpose and Need:
The manifesto is suppose to take a deeper look, using Scripture, prayer and other resources as determine the ultimate spiritual truths regarding my specific sexual experiences and fetishes. I think there are several valuable resources already in place on the web that I will need to look into to discover this and come to an ultimate understanding.
Resources and Methods:
The method I will use to do this project will be a simple process of reading information specific to the form of sexuality that I deal with and putting these into a Christian context. Everything needs to be backed up with scripture so that there is a true immutable understanding.
Goal:
The arrive with the truth and the application of the truth and from this an ultimate personal policy or target to aim towards for the rest of my life, or until the truth I have revealed is further revealed with deeper truths and thereby enhanced clarity.
Manifesto:
Masturbation has been called a sin by many conservative Christians, although the rub of this is that there is no place in the scriptures where this is called out specifically.
****I understand now, in a moment of clarity I think I have it, God has blessed me just now at 7:48 pm on Saturday, January 10, 2009. Not to take anything away from what I have just written, but in a flash I see the distinctions, I see where I have sinned and where the acceptability of this lies.
1) Lust is when I look at people engaged in sexual acts and I imagine being the participant of that act. This is wrong. Group sex and orgies are wrong.
2) Masturbation used to relieve stress and release is not wrong, this is done naturally or by our own abilities. We have to let out semen to function, otherwise we could cause harm to ourselves.
3) Gear can be worn as a expression of one's desired apparel. Gear as an idol or something that is elevated above God is sin. Know the difference, if the gear is more important than spiritual things, it is an idol.
4) Sexual arousal from gear is okay, if that is what it does. It should not be provoked but endured, the focus needs to not be on sexual relations with other men while in gear or otherwise.
5) Pray for God to bring about the healthy desire for women and marriage and be willing to change as God can change you.
6) Masturbation has a religious rite is wrong. Cock worship of any kind is wrong. Addictive or compulsive masturbation is wrong. Avoid these things and avoid people who glorify these things. It is better to be with the fighters than the losers who are resigned to their own destruction.
7) Constantly read the Bible, in this you will see the truth and God will reveal his character through the scriptures. Do not willing sin.
This is the revelation that has been sent to me now. If there is need to go into this more, I pray that God will lead my heart to do this and dig deeper, but I do not see the need to do this now as I feel I have what I need now to function. Praise be to God!!
I plan on doing this informally and in clips and phrases, rather than one decisive comprehensive piece of thought and future policy. I would also never normally take the time to do this on a Saturday night with two movies waiting to be watched from Movie Gallery, but I will remain committed to following through with the deadlines that I am imposing on myself.
So where am I now on the great issue and question of masturbation? Well first off I think it is invaluable to be able to write on this issue when I am not in the guilt phase or the horny phase, but have a clear mind and ability to process what I know and what I need to be doing. I have masturbated today, but compared to what I have been doing only earlier this week, it was a very tame and guiltless exercise of self relief and discharge needed to keep me focused on other more important things. Its best to day that I have undergone something like an amputation of my ability to see and experience whatever I please. I have added an internet filter called Pro Con to my Firefox browser that is free and very effective. I have a password I use to constantly adjust its settings, but I am proud to report that I am no longer going onto penis worship sites or the like and the longer I am away from it, the less hold these things seem to have on me. This is a true blessing and I am really happy to say that this approach seems to be working for the moment.
The deeper issue I am having at this time has to do largely with my future and if I possess the ability to become a husband. Dating is very hard work and I am very frustrated that I lack the inner desire to pursue the girls that have been put into my path. The truth be told, I know I am partly gay, or even bi-sexual, but because of my deeply rooted religious convictions, I am refusing to give into any of that and remain steadfast in either a marriage or celibacy. I pray and hope that I can get through to Jennifer and really want to spend time with her and she me, but it is so hard not being close and not being able to become intimate. I know that God has someone out there for me, I just pray that I can find her and that she would be willing to accept me for who I am as a person.
But all of this having been said, is important for a context in my present journey, but not really for the purpose I have at hand and what I have alluded to in either journal entries-the great manifesto, the final written discourse on masturbation, sex, porn, lust fetishes and all of the likes in between. I have set today as the die date for this manifesto, but I fear that it can not be done in a single day, there is too much to cover and discover in the course of life to ever really be done with such a thing, but I will try my best to take a stab at this and come up with some rough outlines of what this needs to be and what this will be used for.
Purpose and Need:
The manifesto is suppose to take a deeper look, using Scripture, prayer and other resources as determine the ultimate spiritual truths regarding my specific sexual experiences and fetishes. I think there are several valuable resources already in place on the web that I will need to look into to discover this and come to an ultimate understanding.
Resources and Methods:
The method I will use to do this project will be a simple process of reading information specific to the form of sexuality that I deal with and putting these into a Christian context. Everything needs to be backed up with scripture so that there is a true immutable understanding.
Goal:
The arrive with the truth and the application of the truth and from this an ultimate personal policy or target to aim towards for the rest of my life, or until the truth I have revealed is further revealed with deeper truths and thereby enhanced clarity.
Manifesto:
Masturbation has been called a sin by many conservative Christians, although the rub of this is that there is no place in the scriptures where this is called out specifically.
****I understand now, in a moment of clarity I think I have it, God has blessed me just now at 7:48 pm on Saturday, January 10, 2009. Not to take anything away from what I have just written, but in a flash I see the distinctions, I see where I have sinned and where the acceptability of this lies.
1) Lust is when I look at people engaged in sexual acts and I imagine being the participant of that act. This is wrong. Group sex and orgies are wrong.
2) Masturbation used to relieve stress and release is not wrong, this is done naturally or by our own abilities. We have to let out semen to function, otherwise we could cause harm to ourselves.
3) Gear can be worn as a expression of one's desired apparel. Gear as an idol or something that is elevated above God is sin. Know the difference, if the gear is more important than spiritual things, it is an idol.
4) Sexual arousal from gear is okay, if that is what it does. It should not be provoked but endured, the focus needs to not be on sexual relations with other men while in gear or otherwise.
5) Pray for God to bring about the healthy desire for women and marriage and be willing to change as God can change you.
6) Masturbation has a religious rite is wrong. Cock worship of any kind is wrong. Addictive or compulsive masturbation is wrong. Avoid these things and avoid people who glorify these things. It is better to be with the fighters than the losers who are resigned to their own destruction.
7) Constantly read the Bible, in this you will see the truth and God will reveal his character through the scriptures. Do not willing sin.
This is the revelation that has been sent to me now. If there is need to go into this more, I pray that God will lead my heart to do this and dig deeper, but I do not see the need to do this now as I feel I have what I need now to function. Praise be to God!!
Friday, December 19, 2008
I Lost!
So I guess you can say I am definitely not a professional 'bater. So I went to play the game and I got a weird time, which I suppose I left myself open to in the rules. I began to think about getting up at 4:00 AM to jerk off and the appeal of this game seemed to wear off.
After I was done trying to edge I went all the way and blew my load, I took a shower and thought to myself I cannot make plans to stop me from doing this, but I also can't make plans to make me want to do it more either! So until you hear otherwise, my plan is to NOT have any plans, not feed my lust, but let things go merrily on the course they are set to go. It was a mistake to get so involved with these chronic masturbaters when clearly I am not one of them nor do I have any desire to become like them. I had a fantasy about these groups and now that I can see what they are all about it doesn't quite seem as fun, then again I just blew my load so you know this is the zero horny side of me talking. More on this later, I have a lot else I need to do tonight!
After I was done trying to edge I went all the way and blew my load, I took a shower and thought to myself I cannot make plans to stop me from doing this, but I also can't make plans to make me want to do it more either! So until you hear otherwise, my plan is to NOT have any plans, not feed my lust, but let things go merrily on the course they are set to go. It was a mistake to get so involved with these chronic masturbaters when clearly I am not one of them nor do I have any desire to become like them. I had a fantasy about these groups and now that I can see what they are all about it doesn't quite seem as fun, then again I just blew my load so you know this is the zero horny side of me talking. More on this later, I have a lot else I need to do tonight!
Masturbation Game Time!
So yeah, this is a new tact in my ongoing adventures in masturbation. So I have been good this week and shot on Tuesday and today is Friday and I am ready to go. The reason I am writing a entry now is because I told myself in light of the negative thoughts on this subject, or at least the questioning thoughts, that after I am done with what I want to do that I WILL NOT feel bad, guilty, ashamed or otherwise in a faul spirit.
So what happened? Where is that manifesto I promised? Well it's not forgotten, but the task in itself is so large I have no had time to begin it. Meanwhile my horniness knows not how to wait. This is the the problem. What I want to do takes so much discipline, but what I end up doing is so easy and natural, even now as I write this I feel my penis getting hard and excited at knowing that he will get free reign in the next 24 hours. Now its out of my pants so it can say hi and feel free too! Man I love this! Why stop this? It feel so good to do it and we need to do it every now and then to let go and feel that pleasure!
I know I will revisit this subject, I know that there are limits, I know that I cannot give up all I am to become a penis worshiper. But come on I just want to have a little fun with the joys and gifts that God has given me!
So enough of that, here is the deal for tonight:
The Masturbation Binge Game
Rule 1: I cannot touch myself until the appointed time.
Rule 2: I spin my random wheel to get an exact time AM or PM.
Rule 3: I edge once every two hours until the time comes. My look at anything that turn me on if I am not edging (just can't touch).
Rule 4: 10 minutes before the time, I need to gear up in football gear.
Rule 5: 1 minute before I go for it (appointed time), I spin again to get a number between 0-120.
Rule 6: At the appointed time I try to cum as much as I can in the 0-120 minute time window. Must be different masturbation sessions.
Rule 7: Blog about the experience and also on a Yahoo group.
Goal: Cum at least 3 different times to WIN.
Ok, on your mark, get set. GO!!!
So what happened? Where is that manifesto I promised? Well it's not forgotten, but the task in itself is so large I have no had time to begin it. Meanwhile my horniness knows not how to wait. This is the the problem. What I want to do takes so much discipline, but what I end up doing is so easy and natural, even now as I write this I feel my penis getting hard and excited at knowing that he will get free reign in the next 24 hours. Now its out of my pants so it can say hi and feel free too! Man I love this! Why stop this? It feel so good to do it and we need to do it every now and then to let go and feel that pleasure!
I know I will revisit this subject, I know that there are limits, I know that I cannot give up all I am to become a penis worshiper. But come on I just want to have a little fun with the joys and gifts that God has given me!
So enough of that, here is the deal for tonight:
The Masturbation Binge Game
Rule 1: I cannot touch myself until the appointed time.
Rule 2: I spin my random wheel to get an exact time AM or PM.
Rule 3: I edge once every two hours until the time comes. My look at anything that turn me on if I am not edging (just can't touch).
Rule 4: 10 minutes before the time, I need to gear up in football gear.
Rule 5: 1 minute before I go for it (appointed time), I spin again to get a number between 0-120.
Rule 6: At the appointed time I try to cum as much as I can in the 0-120 minute time window. Must be different masturbation sessions.
Rule 7: Blog about the experience and also on a Yahoo group.
Goal: Cum at least 3 different times to WIN.
Ok, on your mark, get set. GO!!!
Saturday, December 6, 2008
More questions about masturbation
Anyone reading this blog can see that my life tends to get hung up on sexual issues. This is because I am single and I have devoted a lot of my time towards masturbation and my fetishes. I have been confronted on this several times, most recently was when I was undergoing the Doors of Hope course, which I never finished. There I was told that any self gratification, or masturbation, was a sin and it had to be stopped. I challenged this assertion because I was not able to find anything in the Bible about this being a sin. Well, now I am looking on line once again and I have found so many sites that are opposed to the practice and it is really frustrating me that so many Christians out there feel this way. I had gone through all of this so many times before and yet I end up in the same place once again questioning and wondering what I need to be doing.
I didn't plan on spending my valuable time today on this subject, as I have so much I need to be doing, but I find that once again I need some time to reflect on this as I have been moving towards increased masturbation in the last week, which was something else I was going to blog about as well. I had planned on writing a manifesto, if that is even the right word, detailing all the scripture references and how they deal with this subject, the subject of lust, and really what our response needs to be. My goal, of course, was to use this to affirm my beliefs that it is okay under certain conditions, etc. Well my self confidence on this issue is fading because oddly enough I googled the words "masturbation" and "prayer". I was wondering if there was such a thing as a masturbation prayer and in a dark crevice of my soul I was hoping to hit the Temple Priapus site again, but instead I was hit with page after page of how to stop masturbating, how it was a sin, etc. etc.
Now I am blogging to try to reflect on this in a deep and meaningful way so I can start to figure this out. After all, that's the name of this blog! I am not really sure where to begin. I suppose I can detail a little bit of history on where I have been going the last few weeks or so. I have looked and joined several yahoo groups (it always seems to start with the yahoo groups) on pro masturbation groups. Mainly because I was tired of always running into groups that were trying to make me stop. You see I had made the decision that I didn't think it was a sin, but so often I craved so much to see and observe those who are addicted to it. This kind of goes back to my desires earlier to go onto the temple and cock worshiping sites. The idea of giving oneself to the feelings and desires in a ritualized "quasi religious" setting seems overwhelmingly delicious to me. The process of seeing people in so much pleasure and yes lust makes me hard. This is my flesh crying out for more, and I see that my desires to dabble in this has acted to propound the desire so that I do form the addictions myself, which turns me on even more and more and so there is a downward spiral, a decent into masturbatory addiction and self worship. I began to worry when my decent actually landed me on a Satanic site, pentagrams, inverted crosses and everything. I came while on it and it made me feel exceedingly guilty. I can't help it, but in a way a rebellion against the rules of Christianity is part of this, and I hate that. Ex-Christians.net actually gives me hard on thinking of all those ex-Christians feeding their desires now and living under the illusion of freedom, when in sad reality they are in chains to the sins of pleasure and Satan has them where he wants them. But how to break that desire to see it is beyond me.
I prayed and did so many push ups that night because I looked at the cock worshiping blogs as I knew I sinned and was doing evil on myself. I had gotten to close to the flame of sin that I got burnt from it. After much self inflicted pain I did feel better, forgiven and justified. I prayed more on the Wednesday and took communion and really really tried to focus on God. Well last night I went on line again and masturbated. I had planned this mainly because I wanted to and really saw no sin or harm in it--I was not going onto any Satanic sites that time, only looking at a guy masturbate in a on-line video as I mimicked his behavior with my own. I thought my sin on Tuesday was the fact that I was getting off on genuine evil. Now after reading all of these Christian sites, I think even what I did last night could be considered wrong.
I think maybe I have gone too far with this, joining sites like Bate Nation and three yahoo groups that send out pro-masturbation e-mails by the hour seemingly. I can see wrong in it because it does take so much of my time now thinking about getting off and what the next masturbation game will be, all in an endless fruitless effort to get high off of it. A self induced drug to get a better and better fix. Edging and devoting more and more time to the act, elevating my penis as a little god, so easy and tempting to "worship" like all the others out there. I have always spoke of needing balance, needing regulation. But maybe something like this really can't be regulated when I am soaking in porn pretty much and interacting with people who are so addicted to pornography their lives are defined by it, spending hours, days looking at lustful things and feeding their addictions until it's practically irreversible. I know if I carry on, reading and looking at these sites while mindlessly edging away I will become like them, a slave to porn a slave to my penis's desires. Sex is such a powerful thing, it really can take over your life if you let it. I think I have allowed myself to taste the carnal cyber fruits and now I do have a bit of a compulsion forming.
So maybe masturbation is a sin? Where on earth does that leave me? I mean I spend 15 year trying to stop it, maybe I never knew the way how? What is so hard is the feelings it gives, how can I walk away from orgasms? And don't give me this nonsense about the marriage bed, God has not blessed me with a marriage, maybe because of this very issue, but it is an unending cycle, because I persist in masturbation because I am not married. My counselor, my own thought, my frustrations at the inability to permanently stop, my realization that this is a physiological need all have led me down the road that it is okay to do it. So I am left with questions again and now you see where I am. I am afraid to just give all of this over to God. I feel that at some point in my life I did this already, in one of my plans or programs I did this, but maybe my problem is me. I want to solve it on my own terms without really giving it over to God and His true desires of me. I know I have done this and I end up masturbating anyways waiting on something from God to tell me to do otherwise. Perhaps I just need some more patience on this and just not worry about it so much?
I like to leave my thoughts and ramblings with some kind of action plan. Here is what I think I need to do from this point forward.
1.) I need to read up in the Bible and actually write my manifesto. This will involve some of my old writings on this subject, but the goal is to look at what scripture really says. Yes, I know I wont see the magic "m" word in there, but that does not mean there are not other passages that may be helpful in sorting this out. Maybe from there I can get a personal constitution and interpretation to reflect specifically on my behavioral goals. Similar to my 1990s Analysis of Human Behavior journal, this will look at it from the scripture side more.
2.) After the manifesto is done I need to write out my personal behavior contract as to my final interpretation and goals as to what I will and will not do. I hope to answer: What is the nature of lust for me? What is sin? Where does God want to take me? How do I deal with my physical needs? What is holy and pure masturbation? Does it exist?
3.) Once I have a plan, I actually want to start my own Yahoo Group that support my plan. It will be a group of Christians that will either be in support of lustless or moral masturbation or it will be a group dedicated to stopping it once and for all. I am not sure at this point what this will look like, but I feel no matter what, I would like to form a group on it so I can find others out there that are in my camp. I may very well delete my involvement on gooning, etc. if I feel that those groups are pulling me away from my manifesto and promoting what is porn and lust for ME, not what is porn generally for others. I am unique and maybe looking at a guy jerk off is not a big deal because it doesn't cause me to lust after the guy. Who knows I will look forward to what I find out. In the end I pray that this manifesto is the be all end all on this 15 year debate I undergone on masturbation. I will post the manifesto on this blog. More to come.
----------------------------------------out------------------------------------------
I didn't plan on spending my valuable time today on this subject, as I have so much I need to be doing, but I find that once again I need some time to reflect on this as I have been moving towards increased masturbation in the last week, which was something else I was going to blog about as well. I had planned on writing a manifesto, if that is even the right word, detailing all the scripture references and how they deal with this subject, the subject of lust, and really what our response needs to be. My goal, of course, was to use this to affirm my beliefs that it is okay under certain conditions, etc. Well my self confidence on this issue is fading because oddly enough I googled the words "masturbation" and "prayer". I was wondering if there was such a thing as a masturbation prayer and in a dark crevice of my soul I was hoping to hit the Temple Priapus site again, but instead I was hit with page after page of how to stop masturbating, how it was a sin, etc. etc.
Now I am blogging to try to reflect on this in a deep and meaningful way so I can start to figure this out. After all, that's the name of this blog! I am not really sure where to begin. I suppose I can detail a little bit of history on where I have been going the last few weeks or so. I have looked and joined several yahoo groups (it always seems to start with the yahoo groups) on pro masturbation groups. Mainly because I was tired of always running into groups that were trying to make me stop. You see I had made the decision that I didn't think it was a sin, but so often I craved so much to see and observe those who are addicted to it. This kind of goes back to my desires earlier to go onto the temple and cock worshiping sites. The idea of giving oneself to the feelings and desires in a ritualized "quasi religious" setting seems overwhelmingly delicious to me. The process of seeing people in so much pleasure and yes lust makes me hard. This is my flesh crying out for more, and I see that my desires to dabble in this has acted to propound the desire so that I do form the addictions myself, which turns me on even more and more and so there is a downward spiral, a decent into masturbatory addiction and self worship. I began to worry when my decent actually landed me on a Satanic site, pentagrams, inverted crosses and everything. I came while on it and it made me feel exceedingly guilty. I can't help it, but in a way a rebellion against the rules of Christianity is part of this, and I hate that. Ex-Christians.net actually gives me hard on thinking of all those ex-Christians feeding their desires now and living under the illusion of freedom, when in sad reality they are in chains to the sins of pleasure and Satan has them where he wants them. But how to break that desire to see it is beyond me.
I prayed and did so many push ups that night because I looked at the cock worshiping blogs as I knew I sinned and was doing evil on myself. I had gotten to close to the flame of sin that I got burnt from it. After much self inflicted pain I did feel better, forgiven and justified. I prayed more on the Wednesday and took communion and really really tried to focus on God. Well last night I went on line again and masturbated. I had planned this mainly because I wanted to and really saw no sin or harm in it--I was not going onto any Satanic sites that time, only looking at a guy masturbate in a on-line video as I mimicked his behavior with my own. I thought my sin on Tuesday was the fact that I was getting off on genuine evil. Now after reading all of these Christian sites, I think even what I did last night could be considered wrong.
I think maybe I have gone too far with this, joining sites like Bate Nation and three yahoo groups that send out pro-masturbation e-mails by the hour seemingly. I can see wrong in it because it does take so much of my time now thinking about getting off and what the next masturbation game will be, all in an endless fruitless effort to get high off of it. A self induced drug to get a better and better fix. Edging and devoting more and more time to the act, elevating my penis as a little god, so easy and tempting to "worship" like all the others out there. I have always spoke of needing balance, needing regulation. But maybe something like this really can't be regulated when I am soaking in porn pretty much and interacting with people who are so addicted to pornography their lives are defined by it, spending hours, days looking at lustful things and feeding their addictions until it's practically irreversible. I know if I carry on, reading and looking at these sites while mindlessly edging away I will become like them, a slave to porn a slave to my penis's desires. Sex is such a powerful thing, it really can take over your life if you let it. I think I have allowed myself to taste the carnal cyber fruits and now I do have a bit of a compulsion forming.
So maybe masturbation is a sin? Where on earth does that leave me? I mean I spend 15 year trying to stop it, maybe I never knew the way how? What is so hard is the feelings it gives, how can I walk away from orgasms? And don't give me this nonsense about the marriage bed, God has not blessed me with a marriage, maybe because of this very issue, but it is an unending cycle, because I persist in masturbation because I am not married. My counselor, my own thought, my frustrations at the inability to permanently stop, my realization that this is a physiological need all have led me down the road that it is okay to do it. So I am left with questions again and now you see where I am. I am afraid to just give all of this over to God. I feel that at some point in my life I did this already, in one of my plans or programs I did this, but maybe my problem is me. I want to solve it on my own terms without really giving it over to God and His true desires of me. I know I have done this and I end up masturbating anyways waiting on something from God to tell me to do otherwise. Perhaps I just need some more patience on this and just not worry about it so much?
I like to leave my thoughts and ramblings with some kind of action plan. Here is what I think I need to do from this point forward.
1.) I need to read up in the Bible and actually write my manifesto. This will involve some of my old writings on this subject, but the goal is to look at what scripture really says. Yes, I know I wont see the magic "m" word in there, but that does not mean there are not other passages that may be helpful in sorting this out. Maybe from there I can get a personal constitution and interpretation to reflect specifically on my behavioral goals. Similar to my 1990s Analysis of Human Behavior journal, this will look at it from the scripture side more.
2.) After the manifesto is done I need to write out my personal behavior contract as to my final interpretation and goals as to what I will and will not do. I hope to answer: What is the nature of lust for me? What is sin? Where does God want to take me? How do I deal with my physical needs? What is holy and pure masturbation? Does it exist?
3.) Once I have a plan, I actually want to start my own Yahoo Group that support my plan. It will be a group of Christians that will either be in support of lustless or moral masturbation or it will be a group dedicated to stopping it once and for all. I am not sure at this point what this will look like, but I feel no matter what, I would like to form a group on it so I can find others out there that are in my camp. I may very well delete my involvement on gooning, etc. if I feel that those groups are pulling me away from my manifesto and promoting what is porn and lust for ME, not what is porn generally for others. I am unique and maybe looking at a guy jerk off is not a big deal because it doesn't cause me to lust after the guy. Who knows I will look forward to what I find out. In the end I pray that this manifesto is the be all end all on this 15 year debate I undergone on masturbation. I will post the manifesto on this blog. More to come.
----------------------------------------out------------------------------------------
Saturday, November 15, 2008
Some time later with some answers
So, its been three months since I last visited this blog. I am sad to say that much of my progress or whatever you call my daily journey in life remains unchanged. I admit that I do lack direction as to what I should be doing with my life. So often I go from phase to phase almost as if I am a leaf to be blown about in the wind, eking out this meager existence here on earth. That does sound rather depressing, but as I have just finished masturbating to pornography, that does tend to happen.
I think I am really being attacked here. I can see that this is evidenced by the course of events that led up to my most recent sins. I was doing just fine all day until I started feeling rather horny on the drive back home. I think this was triggered by my looking for a store that seems to no longer be in business anyways. Well I began to start to think about some sexy black nylon soccer shorts, something I find incredibly hot.
Well then I was thinking about an e-mail I got from one of my pro masturbation yahoo groups. It does not take much for me to get going, to begin to think about the cheap easy thrills. I wanted to find a website dedicated to those who are hard core masturbation addicts and watch or even partake in their decent into that addiction. I got home and was able to contain myself long enough to unpack the car of items, before I made a b-line to my closest and went ahead and put on a diaper (another fetish of mine). I am still in one now. Well then I go to try to see if there are any sites out there about diaper masturbation, pro-masturbation, etc., etc. Well I give up and go to the pit of depravity itself and view a video of two guys in MX gear having oral sex. I have hit a new low once again.
I even prayed beforehand for God to forgive my carnal carvings and then I put God out of my mind as I indulged and released my seed into a condom. I am not proud of any of this and this is why I am under a assumed name here. I do not want anyone to know my true identity. The truth of my life is x-rated and is sinful.
So what now? I am always left with that same question. Why do all the pleasurable things in life have to be off limits? Why are we called to so much suffering here on earth? Why has God left me with such weak will. When it comes to temptation I am a weakling and I seek and even take pleasure in knowing that there are others who are just as weak or even worse. I can see that those who do revel in this godless lifestyle of perpetual pleasures and depravities have indeed been so far from God and given over by Him to indulge in their sins. I am on the edge. I try to be righteous each day, read my prayers, be interested in God and reading the Bible. But I again and again find myself falling short, going back to the bad water, my comfortable and easy sin.
I will ask for forgiveness and I do want it and believe in Jesus and the grace that he gives, but I must break this sin cycle I am on. I first off MUST identity that what I am doing is sin, without question, and furthermore we as Christians are called to not sin. If I can at least bring myself to make that distinction, I at least know where the battle lines are drawn and where I ought to never go. I feel I have made that distinction, but I crave what I know I cannot have. I so often justify what I want to see as being okay. I think the problem is I need to learn how to run away from my sins. I am not good at seeing where my thoughts lead until it's too late. I need a plan of attack, a way to say okay this is what I will do and what I won't. This is not the first time I have had such plans. I have had many rules I have given myself about this, but what happens? The rules are bent and then broken and then forgotten. They are replaced by the law of sin that is burned into my mind. The law of sin is never forgotten. It is not a rule or a ritual to be followed, it is a way of living.
I know I cannot stop masturbating. My therapist even told me that doing this would not be good. We are made for pleasure, withholding it would only bring unbelievable amounts of pain, stress, and basic unhappiness. I know God does call us to suffer, but is this the way he intended? Again, I am left in the dark and very discouraged on this issue because I have had that view many times before in the last ten years only to fail again and again. I have an entire notebook full of failed plans of stopping this, and it was all in vain, I do it still and often.
But does that mean I am resigned to allow sin to rule in my life? No! Again the distinctions here are critical. I have said before that the act alone of masturbation, under certain circumstances, is not sinful. I can even guess when these times are as I do not really feel guilty per se, only maybe a little tired. So there is a level or degree in which masturbation can be taken to a new level that is sin. I must rest my hope on this belief because I know masturbation can be managed if it is allowed in increments to satisfy physical urges. I know that the germ of another "plan" is looming on the horizon, but do I have a choice? If I blow today off as some lapse of spiritual judgment, what will come next? Who is to say that this will not happen again? I have been to xtube before, many times, and for some months after I tried Doors of Hope, I was able to stay off the site, but in the last three to four times I masturbated, pornography has creep back in ever so slowly.
I have to be on a constant patrol. I have to always be at watch. The door has been opened and it cannot be closed. I have been exposed, I have seen things that will always turn me on. So now I have to stay on guard. So what does that mean? What am I to do to be on guard and what exactly is it that I am trying to watch out for?
I think the solution to the knotted mess which is my sexual life, is for me to stop masturbating at the computer. When I am on my bed in the heat of my desires, I seek out to enhance them with my lust for seeing others in the same state while in the same gear I am in. I think that is why I am so addicted to the idea of seeing people getting addicted. It's that lack of control that I am falling into that seems so pleasurable. And why not do this with friends? This is very dangerous and deadly. I cannot be allowed to go there and indulge in Temple Priapus, masturbation clubs, or whatever the sites, groups, or addictive material may be. That is idolatry, pure and simple.
I have tried to block porn from my computer with limited success. I need to now do more work to block these sites once and for all. I know that in the heat of lust, I will regret this, but I have no self control then. The Bible is so clear on this issue. We are to run away from temptation and cut the strings that bind us to it. I must cut ties with that website and at least I can not go there. I also need once again (for the second time now) quit the masturbation group. What does this do but encourage me to do it more and view porn. This group serves no purpose. I can easily masturbate without being on it. Lastly, I do need to pray for God's deliverance from these sins on a daily basis. If I am going to be a Christian, I have to fight, I have to allow myself to be used, and He cannot use rotten seeds. This life is not about fulfilling every last pleasure imaginable. I went to a hedonism website once and was sickened at the darkness of it and how decidedly lost these people were. What I fail to understand is that without God, Jesus, my life is meaningless and has no value. I think that God wants to steal away these pleasures, but in the end He can provide me joys beyond any measure. I pray I can stay on the path to God and not take any more detours, as tempting as they may seen. The law of God is written on my heart, I know deep down when I am violating it. I pray now I can keep from seeking that which will destroy me.
UPDATE 12-06-08: I am shocked when I re-read this entry to see how I have basically been blinded by my own lust! Here I had a plan all along and what do I end up doing about two weeks later? I join the very groups and websites I spoke against! Does my righteous spirit have no memory? I know that this is the reason I persist in the same cycles is because I forget, I allow myself the pleasure and I indulge and explore indulge and explore until I discover I am addicted. My plan, if it is kept God willing, is to continue on with the manifesto I spoke of in the 12-6 entry, but I had to add this at my own self discovery that my convictions are so easily entangled in sin and distraction. You have one chink in the armor and the devil will exploit it until there is no armor left. May God forgive me for my weakness.
I think I am really being attacked here. I can see that this is evidenced by the course of events that led up to my most recent sins. I was doing just fine all day until I started feeling rather horny on the drive back home. I think this was triggered by my looking for a store that seems to no longer be in business anyways. Well I began to start to think about some sexy black nylon soccer shorts, something I find incredibly hot.
Well then I was thinking about an e-mail I got from one of my pro masturbation yahoo groups. It does not take much for me to get going, to begin to think about the cheap easy thrills. I wanted to find a website dedicated to those who are hard core masturbation addicts and watch or even partake in their decent into that addiction. I got home and was able to contain myself long enough to unpack the car of items, before I made a b-line to my closest and went ahead and put on a diaper (another fetish of mine). I am still in one now. Well then I go to try to see if there are any sites out there about diaper masturbation, pro-masturbation, etc., etc. Well I give up and go to the pit of depravity itself and view a video of two guys in MX gear having oral sex. I have hit a new low once again.
I even prayed beforehand for God to forgive my carnal carvings and then I put God out of my mind as I indulged and released my seed into a condom. I am not proud of any of this and this is why I am under a assumed name here. I do not want anyone to know my true identity. The truth of my life is x-rated and is sinful.
So what now? I am always left with that same question. Why do all the pleasurable things in life have to be off limits? Why are we called to so much suffering here on earth? Why has God left me with such weak will. When it comes to temptation I am a weakling and I seek and even take pleasure in knowing that there are others who are just as weak or even worse. I can see that those who do revel in this godless lifestyle of perpetual pleasures and depravities have indeed been so far from God and given over by Him to indulge in their sins. I am on the edge. I try to be righteous each day, read my prayers, be interested in God and reading the Bible. But I again and again find myself falling short, going back to the bad water, my comfortable and easy sin.
I will ask for forgiveness and I do want it and believe in Jesus and the grace that he gives, but I must break this sin cycle I am on. I first off MUST identity that what I am doing is sin, without question, and furthermore we as Christians are called to not sin. If I can at least bring myself to make that distinction, I at least know where the battle lines are drawn and where I ought to never go. I feel I have made that distinction, but I crave what I know I cannot have. I so often justify what I want to see as being okay. I think the problem is I need to learn how to run away from my sins. I am not good at seeing where my thoughts lead until it's too late. I need a plan of attack, a way to say okay this is what I will do and what I won't. This is not the first time I have had such plans. I have had many rules I have given myself about this, but what happens? The rules are bent and then broken and then forgotten. They are replaced by the law of sin that is burned into my mind. The law of sin is never forgotten. It is not a rule or a ritual to be followed, it is a way of living.
I know I cannot stop masturbating. My therapist even told me that doing this would not be good. We are made for pleasure, withholding it would only bring unbelievable amounts of pain, stress, and basic unhappiness. I know God does call us to suffer, but is this the way he intended? Again, I am left in the dark and very discouraged on this issue because I have had that view many times before in the last ten years only to fail again and again. I have an entire notebook full of failed plans of stopping this, and it was all in vain, I do it still and often.
But does that mean I am resigned to allow sin to rule in my life? No! Again the distinctions here are critical. I have said before that the act alone of masturbation, under certain circumstances, is not sinful. I can even guess when these times are as I do not really feel guilty per se, only maybe a little tired. So there is a level or degree in which masturbation can be taken to a new level that is sin. I must rest my hope on this belief because I know masturbation can be managed if it is allowed in increments to satisfy physical urges. I know that the germ of another "plan" is looming on the horizon, but do I have a choice? If I blow today off as some lapse of spiritual judgment, what will come next? Who is to say that this will not happen again? I have been to xtube before, many times, and for some months after I tried Doors of Hope, I was able to stay off the site, but in the last three to four times I masturbated, pornography has creep back in ever so slowly.
I have to be on a constant patrol. I have to always be at watch. The door has been opened and it cannot be closed. I have been exposed, I have seen things that will always turn me on. So now I have to stay on guard. So what does that mean? What am I to do to be on guard and what exactly is it that I am trying to watch out for?
I think the solution to the knotted mess which is my sexual life, is for me to stop masturbating at the computer. When I am on my bed in the heat of my desires, I seek out to enhance them with my lust for seeing others in the same state while in the same gear I am in. I think that is why I am so addicted to the idea of seeing people getting addicted. It's that lack of control that I am falling into that seems so pleasurable. And why not do this with friends? This is very dangerous and deadly. I cannot be allowed to go there and indulge in Temple Priapus, masturbation clubs, or whatever the sites, groups, or addictive material may be. That is idolatry, pure and simple.
I have tried to block porn from my computer with limited success. I need to now do more work to block these sites once and for all. I know that in the heat of lust, I will regret this, but I have no self control then. The Bible is so clear on this issue. We are to run away from temptation and cut the strings that bind us to it. I must cut ties with that website and at least I can not go there. I also need once again (for the second time now) quit the masturbation group. What does this do but encourage me to do it more and view porn. This group serves no purpose. I can easily masturbate without being on it. Lastly, I do need to pray for God's deliverance from these sins on a daily basis. If I am going to be a Christian, I have to fight, I have to allow myself to be used, and He cannot use rotten seeds. This life is not about fulfilling every last pleasure imaginable. I went to a hedonism website once and was sickened at the darkness of it and how decidedly lost these people were. What I fail to understand is that without God, Jesus, my life is meaningless and has no value. I think that God wants to steal away these pleasures, but in the end He can provide me joys beyond any measure. I pray I can stay on the path to God and not take any more detours, as tempting as they may seen. The law of God is written on my heart, I know deep down when I am violating it. I pray now I can keep from seeking that which will destroy me.
UPDATE 12-06-08: I am shocked when I re-read this entry to see how I have basically been blinded by my own lust! Here I had a plan all along and what do I end up doing about two weeks later? I join the very groups and websites I spoke against! Does my righteous spirit have no memory? I know that this is the reason I persist in the same cycles is because I forget, I allow myself the pleasure and I indulge and explore indulge and explore until I discover I am addicted. My plan, if it is kept God willing, is to continue on with the manifesto I spoke of in the 12-6 entry, but I had to add this at my own self discovery that my convictions are so easily entangled in sin and distraction. You have one chink in the armor and the devil will exploit it until there is no armor left. May God forgive me for my weakness.
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