Being Accepted: Finding a Peer Group

Bate Rate:  0.61328

This will be a different journal entry than usual, I hope to be a bid more profound in my musings.  I also hope that more readers of this will be personally affected by what I have to say.  Typically I am talking about the inner recesses of my personal desires/issues and experiences, and doing this boldly--I may add--since before a few years ago, this would only be in a my private journals, not out there on the world wide web.  But I do, I hope have some level of anonymity in this blog for the expressed purpose of allowing me to be 100% real and transparent in what I am thinking and feeling as a human being.

Now, onto my desired subject for today's post.  I woke up today listening to NPR, the last 15 minutes of This American Life, a radio show.  Today's show was about how hard it was for a middle school aged boy to move into a new town because he had no friends.  He said, quite ably and articulately, that it was not as easy as in elementary school to make new friends, you cannot walk up to a person and say, "hi, do you want to be my friend?"  And have it be that.  No, in middle school there are peer groups, people who judge you, your background, your values, your skills and interests  and they size you up and determine off of some narrow criteria, if you belong with them or if you do not.  If you don't, you are not part of the mainstream group, but would have to find friends with those who are in a variety of sub-groups, or sub-cultures.  But even these groups can be exclusive and hard to break into, you have to bring something of value to them for them to be able to accept you.

I got to thinking about this and had the epiphany that this concept is the riddle of life and the key to why I am so depressed all the time these days.  Society is made up of these peer groups, it does not stop in middle school.  Yes, in middle school there is more drama over friends, as the kids are not able to process their emotions as effectively as when they become adults, but the basic societal framework is set up starting at around 6th grade.  You either learn how to play the society game or you do not learn.  I did not learn.  I know that now, I like to think and make believe that I am accepted, that I belong somewhere, but I have over the years, enclosed myself into this isolative cocoon in a small town and I have, systematically (without realizing it) decimated my peer groups.

Let me explain more.  I am calling a peer group a group of people who have similar values, desires, and goals, which attract and conditionally accept others as long as they conform to the group's basic goals and values. This is the framework of society that is setup in youth, ages 11-15, the tween and early teen time before you are an older teenagers but after you are a mere child.  There are hundreds of peer groups, they form cultures, there is the mainstream culture and then within mainstream culture there are sub-cultures, each group with unique social mores, values, goals, and skill sets. Just like the groups in middle school that either accept you or reject you basic strictly on your ability to conform to the group's collective values and expectations.  For example, you are not going to be friends with the football players unless you can understand and are relative decent (based on the average skill ability) at playing football.  If you can't play football, you are not accepted into that group, it's as plain and as simple as that.  They may not tell you this straight to your face (at least not when you are an adult) but it remains true nonetheless.  Society does not accept diversity.  Rather it becomes stratified, like groups attract. If you are different, you just need to find the group that is like you that you conform with and find your community there.

My issue is I have very few groups that I can attach myself to.  I attend a church, I am in a weekly small group, a group of individuals at the church, who have committed time and energy towards learning something new.  But, I have not been able to connect with these people at a deeper more personal level, they are not my age, or my peers, in that we do not share some fundamental characteristics to ensure I am within their personal social networks.  The primary rule of these groups, in mainstream society, is that you need to be married and you need to have kids.  If you are not married and have no children, you do not fit into the predominate patterns of these social groups. So getting back to my small group and my church, I am members of it, I participate and socialize with the members, but it remains a superficial connection because I lack the criteria to be truly accepted:  I am single and gay.  Deep down they all know it, or suspect it, but social mores says they cannot address it directly, no one is going to call me gay, that won't happen.  But what will happen is I will be overlooked for party invitations, gatherings, etc. and in turn I will feel awkward about just calling up one of these people out of the blue to hang out/ or rather to be familiar with them on a deeper level, they are not my kith and kin.  I have not been invited to the theater  even though I have expressed interest.  In fact I had to attend a show on my own last weekend since I had no one to go with, this is my new reality.  Why?  I am not married, and I am not within the same age group, so I have less life experience to offer.

What about those my own age, you ask?  Well you see they are all married and I am further worried that I am not accept beyond simply my martial status, but also due to my own behavior.  I can come across as an strange nerdy person, my own personal habits, behaviors, presentation, my slender size and lack of strength, etc. may be lacking when measured up to others.  This, to me, is the most frustrating part.  Some people just don't like me.  I don't know why, exactly, but I know I rub some people the wrong way, I am not like them, I get that.  I know that this is not true with everyone, I will not process my emotional upheavals by making broad statements, "oh everyone hates me".  For one, I know that will do me no good to repair wounded or impaired friendships, and secondly it simply is not true.  But when dealing with the heart, it's hard to be logical.  It's not that I don't have any friends. I have friends, but they are few, and I try to not call them every time I am lonely, I don't want to be a burden on them because I can't get my act together and find a spouse.

I also mentioned, earlier, that I am less happy now more because I have systematically decimated my peer groups.  You see, I was part of a singles group that was part of another church, but over the past year I have pulled out of it because I no longer fit into the conservative values and their general evangelicalism.  So I stopped participating in their events and so I lost that connection, I am realizing that I am now really paying the price for that decision because I can no longer connect with people who are like myself, my single peer group, my sub-culture that fits who I am as an individual.  I also left my former church, for another smaller church, for the same theological reasons I stated above, namely that I am more liberal now and do not fit into the social conservative peer groups.  And while you would think that would be a zero sum gain.  Switching one church for another, what's the big deal, but the issue is I still have lost old connections that I had for over 5 years.  I have been dropped, forgotten because I rejected the fundamental building block for that collection of people, the church.  You cannot be friends with people in this town if you do not attend their church, it just doesn't work, there is no common ground.  (not to reveal who I am in real life, but I live in a small conservative southern town in a very red "republican" state)

I have learned that humans have evolved this way over millions of years so that we could survive, we formed hunting bands and clans to divide labor and relate to one another and to perform the most basic function of a human, to make more humans, the marry and to have children.  That is a very, very powerful force in our society and so there should be no doubt as to why I feel like I am not accepted here, I and bucking this force that is coming from all quarters, that tells me that something is wrong with me if I am not married with children.  I am not contributing or conforming to the primary social objective, which is the need to make more people.  I get it now.

I know it is more complicated than that, part of this has to do with my lack of sociability   The fact I don't schmooze with others, go to open events, socialize within my town, but it will be hard to break in if I don't fit in and conform with the others.  So where does this lead me now that I have this figured out?  I know I have never been popular in school, and even now I see that my lack of popularity has effected me in my career  my ability to advance, and in my general well being.  I may be a loner with only a handful of what I consider real friends, but I still long for community and intimacy with others.  At my personal cross roads is my need to decide what I am going to do with my life.  Do I come out as gay?  If so, when and how?  My brother is gay and it's already creating drama in my family, can I possibly add to that?  Or do I take the route of responsibility, and seriously go after a wife?  Go back onto eHarmony and do my best again to try to find someone I am marginally attracted to and I hope she would find me the same.  Look past my sexual peculiarities and just find the companion I desperately need.  And when I know she is emotionally attached to me, I ease her in, bit by bit, into what I am sexually attracted to and hope and pray to find some common ground with her.  At least then I would be accepted into all these groups?  But something tells me that option will crash and burn, I can't get married just to please others, even if I want what they can offer to me-- community.  The third, and most radical option, is to just quit my job and move away, to a place that is more liberal and would hold the values that I personally agree with, a bigger city with a accepting gay community. Start over brand new, with new people, and do my best to try to fit in.  This option is the most risky, as it means I have to basically start over again. But is that just running away from my problems to rewind my life to 10 years ago so I can do it all over again in a new place?

So this is where I am now.  I am alone, lonely, with very few friends who really understands me and who I am.  I have turned to on line fetish groups to fill in this gap, but have had limited success with that approach.  I guess I'll carry on as I always had until some force out there pushes me to do something about this issue.  Either I will be fired or my pay will be cut (Option 3), I will feel I need to just get married, (Option 2).  Or I will say, the hell with this town and my family, and come out and be gay and openly seek a same sex partner (Option 1), but in the process forego any hope of acceptance into my peer groups. Option 4 is to do nothing, but that can only last so long before I really do get depressed and will need to seek professional help...  I pray that God can help me pick which option is best for me.

A New Experience

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A Return to Normalcy

Bate Rate:  0.595531

I have come down from the high of "being dumb" or whatever that meant to me.  I have found that there are not that many places, other than the comment section in these hypnosis files, where I can easily get off.  It's not like I can see videos, or at least I have no idea where these would be, of guys getting dumb and horny at the same time, although such a thing would interest me to no end...  Nonetheless, that phase is fading now as it is no longer anything new to me.  My backwards slide towards a more typical less nyphomanical masturbation rate and practice was further enhanced over the weekend by my insanely busy schedule and a rather puritanical stand up comedy routine, I will not post the comedian's name for privacy reasons, but he had this effect of making me feel very sorry for how I have been behaving...  Just the little push I needed to think that this game I'm playing is not worth it.  Addictive auto-aroused hyper-sexuality is not all it is cracked up to be.  It requires a devotion beyond that of any other human occupation and the people engaged in it have foregone all their social skills, unless you are goading them on to increase their desired vices and addictions.  Is that what I want for myself?  Again we have the constant struggle against what is hot vs. what is pragmatic.  My great oscillation, once again, turning around to my personal morality.

I know that I will again want some of this back, there is no way to turn my Hyde off, no matter how much Dr. Jekyll medicates him, guilts him into submission.  But in the end, I know I don't want to jump head first into the bate hole, because that is not where I want to be, no matter how attractive the promises of pure bliss seem to be, they are mere mirages on the horizon of a confused sexual landscape, full of pitfalls and misguided turns.   The costs are just too high.  After all, anyone who reads my blog can say that I am a Christian.  No matter how much I pretend that I don't want to be one, I still am one.  That is the reality I have chosen, that is my belief system.  And by making that stand for Christ, I have to accept that there are just limitations to what I can be.  Not that I am not more by being with Christ, I just cannot serve two masters, its as simple as that.  Masturbation is a gift from God, I have no doubt in my mind about that, no matter what a fundie my tell me.  But serving masturbation as my God, as sadly those who are in this most deeply do, is not okay, I have to say it is sin.  God is God, and to make something created into a god, is not what we are called to do.  Its like me worshiping pizza because I like to eat pizza.  Eating pizza is not wrong, but worshiping it is.  I was getting close to worshiping something other than God, even the idea of being dumb or horny, or getting horny, getting myself addicted to be more horny...maybe in moderation none of that is "bad", but in a lifestyle excluding all other forms of devotion?  Yeah.... you see where I am going.  I'll let you know how my feelings are on this subject when I am horny again... maybe some of this will stick?

Moving On...?

Bate Rate:  0.58939

I thought by now I would be over the whole, let's be dumb thing, but it still factors into my deepest sexual desires.  But I must say, as I have been down this road before, I tend to over estimate the real power of hypnosis.  I spend the majority of the evening looking at forum posts from a person on WWM site to see how he may have been affected by listening to several files that got me off for the exact reason because I thought they had some kind of permanent effect, they don't, or at least those who continue to post on the site are not effected by them, they move onto other files and interests, as if the effect of the file was not even relevant.  I must say that this is comforting to me, because even though I was so drawn to this sexually, the reality is far less effectual.  We can't just unlearn things by what we listen, and if we do, it seems to only be temporary and highly variable based on who is listening and how suseptable they are to hypnosis.  One thing I will also add before I head to bed, all of this has made me acutely aware of my own learning disability, in a way I am already dumb when I am compared to someone else's standards, so if I think about that shouldn't that be enough to make me feel good about it? Just something to ponder, for me so much of this is not your present state, but the reality that you know you have been changed and that you have lost some kind of control or understanding of your world, that you have become dumb and that feels good as a basis of comparison to your "normal" level.

I purposely did not correct any of my spelling errors, nor do I have the ability to correct them on my own without the spell check...and I know I have two in here with the squiggily red line, to prove I don't know it all, I need to feel "good" for that, but somehow it's just not the same?

Being Dumb is Fun

Bate Rate:  0.57142

In the last 24 hours I have had an emphany of sorts.  I went onto a new website, well new for me for awhile, that is the Warpmymind site.  Basically devoted to erotic hypnosis files with a special emphasis on diapers and incontenance, but has a ton of other files on there too.  I ran across one called "Be Dumb", and for me on a scale of 1 to 10, this is easily an 11 for what turns me on.  I know it plays right into my regression desires, but rather than calling it a regression, they call it what it really is, dumbing down.  The hypnosis file is very tempting for me to listen too, but I dare not all the way through, as I know it will work on me.  I already feel its effects on me, being dumb makes me horny, makes me masturbate.  I have no choice but to masturbate when I am dumb.  Why I make this connection, I have no clue, but the file has re-inforced this in me, something really deep down.  I am already dyslexic, have already been considered dumb in my own thoughts, when it takes me longer to learn new things, to figure things out, and I am always very forgetful.  To prove this I am purposely not correcting any misspellings in this post to show my writing level.  All I can say is it makes my cock so hard to feel dumb, being dumb is fun, being dumb feels good. It's good to be dumb, its so easy to forget, so easy to feel good and stupid.  No expectations, no hard work, no need to think, just feel, just let it happen, just be dumb.  Allow your self to slip into it, to feel what it feels like....

Don't worry I wont listen to all of the file, I know I am very suseptible to this, it will effect me.  Have no looked at gay porn since 8/30, these files and reading how other guys are being regressed made dumb is enough for me.

Bate World

My Bate Rate:  0.55795

I had originally posted what was below, starting with the quote in the following paragraph earlier today.  But then I realized I actually had a comment on my last post from last month.  I read it and re-read my last post.  I should remember to read my last post before I shoot off whatever is on my mind, because I know when one reads these they will think I am the most indecisive person in the world...  One day I am ant-masturbation and then the next time I am all for it!  I call this my oscillation, a perpetual see-saw of inhibition and indulgence.  I think I am largely guided by my emotions and how horny I find myself at any given moment.  I really should not be assuming anything about myself, except that tomorrow I may feel differently... I guess in some ways that is the purpose of this blog, for me to flush out my thoughts and have the internet world read my ramblings...  Needless to say, as you will soon easily judge from the rest of this post, I am in a pro-masturbation mood, now transitioned back to the dark side, from my earlier post (the one that was commented on).  The culprit this time is a new website populated with solo-sexuals (most likely without partners like myself) who affirm and encourage the practice.  That is a HUGE turn on for me, exactly what I have been looking for.  So who know, maybe I can be more than a 46% kind of guy?  (ref: to my last post)

(Here is what I originally wrote)

"There is no problem that masturbation cannot solve.  There is no excuse to not masturbate."  These words continue to ring in my head as I read them on a profile page on Bate World last night.  Bate Word is yet the next step as I journey deeper into my bate and learn the joys of giving myself over entirely to the practice of self-pleasure.  I feel I mostly identify with being a solo sexual person, I have struggled with this my whole life.  Why can I never put to rest this masturbation subject?  It has become a defining feature for me, the capstone to my sexuality and identity as a sexual being.  I have attempted to control it, analyze it, suppress it, support it for years and years.  Now has come the time for me to do the one thing I never fully did ever....give into it!  Yes, to just let go and allow for my delicious slide into addiction to be complete.  Stop fighting, just be, let it be, let it define you, let it consume you, and you will be in bliss.

You will notice that there is a strange number now at the top of this post.  This is my "bate rate".  So I made a pact with myself at the beginning of the year that I would want to have a "batting average"  to play into my baseball fetish, of 1.0.  This is calculated by taking the day of the year.  Today it is Day 254 and divide it by the number of times I have done it.  Just now I finished up my 142nd masturbation session in 2012.  That gives the average shown above.  As you watch my progress into my addictive state, you will see that number rise.  The more I do it, the higher it gets!

All my readers out there, wish me luck!  I hope I can get to 1.0 on or before December 31, 2012.  My goal is simple.  To masturbate 365 times this year (cumming not required).  I must say that the site is getting me well on my way to this pleasurable personal goal.  Wish me luck!

The game is over

Well, I set out to let thing go, to go all out and literally push my body to its limit on what it can do.  I was at full steam last Wednesday, when I cam2cam on Skype with a guy that I have gotten to know fairly well.  Well I jerked off for him several times, and I have to say after two times with him I was unable to actually cum for him. This was very embarrassing for me, because on the third occasion (on Wednesday) it looked like the same thing was going to happen again; keep in mind the last time I came was on Sunday, so you would think by Wednesday my body would be able to do it. After at least an hour of this, I was unsuccessful.  I don't know if it was stage fright or what, but I simply could not do it no matter how hard I tried!  I would understand this issue if it was the same day as me blowing my load, but it had been three days!  Well finally, after about an hour and 15 mins, maybe, I did it for him, but we did not go at the same time as we had hoped.  We have not chatted or spoken on cam since then, which leads me to believe he may have lost  interest in me. *_*.

I can't say I'm surprised, this is what happens with internet friendships.  I was friends with another guy, who seemed to be into the same things I was into, but he too has left me alone once he gotten to know me and realize that I am not his type.  I must say this is for the best, even though it is disappointing.  I'm very new to the gay scene, and so I need to find out who I am looking for in a guy and what I really want, and take things slow.

After Wednesday's disappointment, I decided to take a break, not even think about masturbation until my body reminded me about it.  I was fine until just now.  It's Saturday, so it had been another 2 and half days of nothing.  I even did not force myself to cum, just took things easy, and sure enough after about 5 mins I came, looking at some very erotic scenes of three gays going after it in MX gear.

So where are we now?  I will not push it anymore.  This is exactly where I was before I decided to go after this around June 25-26th.  So it has been just over a month, and that is all it took for me to realize that I do not need sex in life all the time, everyday.  I need to learn my limits and learn that it is okay to not be addicted, and in fact living that way is not freedom at all, it is being enslaved to yourself. As usual, I should have just listened to my body and realize I need to stay at 46%.  The problem is my mind wants to take everything to its extreme, where erotica lives. But the reality is 46% is my magic number.  Basically what that means is I jerk off 46% of the time (days/sessions). I am now at 55%, if I masturbated everyday of the year, that would be 100%; more than everyday, like two times a day, would be 200%.  I am just a 46% kind of guy and I just need to be cool with that.  After all, I need to keep telling myself, it is quality, not quantity that counts.