Now that some time has elapsed, I feel I have a bit more clarity on where I am and where I am going with my recent struggles and desires. It came to me today, as I was driving home to eat lunch, that I actually do NOT have a blasphemy fetish. I know, this is coming as sort of a surprise to me, as this is what I was calling it for a long while. I have come to this conclusion based off of stuff on the web, that has had different effects on me. I will break this all down.
I am finding that a true blasphemy fetishist is more than likely heterosexual, which I am clearly not, and more so they get off on scenes like having sex in a church, using religious objects, such as a cross, in acts of masturbation, and other similar things. This, in all truth, does not really make me hard and sort of disgusts me, particularly pictures of Jesus getting fellatio on the cross. I don't want to go against my faith as a Christian (yes, I am still one). But, and this is a very big but, that is not the end of the story, I am attracted to Satanic Masturbation, which I really don't think is the same thing as Blasphemy, per se. A true blasphemy fetishist does not invoke the name of Satan, they just like to sully the name of Christ and his followers, without any alternative belief system or instructions.
Whereas a subset of the devil movement, seems to be fixated on masturbation as a form of worship. You may ask, how is this any different than just plain jane cock worship, well I think for me, I have ascribed a certain amount of power to the devil that I simply do not have for Pan or generic cock worship. I know my cock pretty well, and I am pretty sure its not a god, no offense to the cock worshippers out there. Even if I wanted it to be a god, it just doesn't really fit into my belief system of God and the Satan, the epic battle between good and evil. I am reducing cock worship into an diluted form of satanism, even if they don't actually invoke "hail Satan". This would be the same for any kind of idol worship that is not of God, its the principal that many people follow Satan but don't realize it, its called bing of the world and worshiping its pleasures.
So, all of this is to say that the power I feel when I masturbate to Satan, is that my belief system holds that at ground zero for how deep this goes, there is no greater (more evil) force out there than the Devil. The second part of this as to why I am attracted to it is the idea that you, "Do as thou Wilt" and with that a strong emphasis, again only in some circles, on lust and masturbation. I am finding that there are many kinds of satanists, and it seems they are perpetually splitting off of other groups, for one's own self interest, regardless if they are actually sanction as part of the institutional Church of Satan. I have already fond contradictions within their own creed, with some saying to masturbate only for one kind of rite, while others say to do it daily. Anyone can start a blog (like me) and say anything they like, regardless of what others think....
In conclusion, I think there is yet another fetish out there, a "satanic masturbation fetish" I am sure it does not exit, so I am making it up now. Its for people who don't actually care a lick about changing religions, but are merely turned on by the freedom it purports and the focus on self pleasure, in particular (which, as I said is not the mainline belief). I am turned on by transformation, not static postures. I want to see the Christian convert while masturbating, in an effort to break the chains that have been put on him (in his head) that he could not masturbate in the first place. Why? Its because that is my situation. I cannot shake the idea that my faith prevents pleasure and this one allows it and encourages it. That is the power it holds over me.
I want to break that power, because when I do this, it is very hot at the time, but makes me feel awful afterwards, more than the usual way. I am right to confront this face on, to call it out for what it is, to not dance around the issue anymore. I am a wannabe satanist, but my faith in Jesus Christ will not allow me to do this for real, so then its only a matter of role playing inside the fetish, a very uncomfortable role to be playing! My hope is not to stop, if I stop it will always be out there as a temptation and that will give it more power, I want to get bored with it. I want to make this like cock worship, something that no longer interests me. I feel I am sort of there now, or at close to being there. Thanks to my friend, I was able to get onto Christinfetish.com, and it honestly bored me, was not what I thought it was, as I said, I am not a blasphemy fetishist. I think as I run out of material to masturbate to, and I continue to develop my other fetishes, this will fade away again, I hope. The only way to defeat it is to discount it as not important anymore. I pray I get there.
Monday, December 29, 2014
Sunday, December 28, 2014
Getting Deeper into Masturbation Addicition
I now regret my decision to "bate free", even though at the time it lifted a restriction, or better stated a weight from my neck in not having to remember the times and circumstances of my masturbation sessions, I now no longer have the data to show a decided uptick in my activity. I know there is one, as I have been masturbating pretty much non-stop since Christmas Eve.
Here are the details. I went home to my parents over Christmas, when its just me and them, there really is not too much for us to do, so I had a lot of free time on my hands, something I am not used to. Well one thing led to another and I sort of went on, for lack of a better term, a binge. That alone is one thing, but the second is slightly more alarming. My dark bates have NOT gone away, but rather have intensified, as a friend of mine (blog reader) is getting me more into this, not because he wants to pull me down, but rather that we have experienced the same things, and it is hot for us to encourage each other into the dark pleasures of satanic masturbation.
Even saying this gives me a shutter, of course I just came, so I am, for the time being, in my right mind and not horned up. What has happened, is I have done this so much now, that I need increasingly more intense material to get me off, even to the point where I am questioning the spirituality of what I am entering into. I am scared, but also excited at the same time. I think what allowed the dam of restraint to at last break forth was a realization that, even though its very edgy, it is still just a fetish, like all my others, the only difference is this one involves masturbation to demons with erect cocks. I know if I read these words when I was 32, when I started this blog, I would be shocked. I was shocked at myself for looking at Temple Priapus, for crying out loud, and honestly that is weak sauce now, hardly even something to concern me. I should have realized that no matter how much I fight it, I was on a journey to the dark side, Priapus lead to cock worship which basically is satanism. I think God would find it odd that I get off to masturbating to His mortal enemy. But I said a little prayer that whatever happened, I would not mean it. All it took is me watching a 5 minute Xtube video for me to cum in huge, large ropes into the air.
The reason I am writing this is one, to keep a record of this new development, but also to try to find some reason as to why this is happening to me. I know I have had these tendencies before, but over the last week,, the lid has really been blown off, I am not sure how much more deeper I will end up going. I guess the appeal is the idea of freedom from rules, and a system that rewards and encourages self pleasure, and making yourself your own God, "Do as Thou Wilt." This appeals to the sin nature that we all have whether through original sin, or learned behavior, depending on which theologian you believe regarding sin.
Let's face it, sin is pleasurable, there is no way around this. I have been trying to convince myself that there can be both, you can be a Christian and masturbate as much as you like and nothing will happen. But the issue is when the masturbation becomes your own god, or better that your cock is your own god, that clearly is a violation of "Thou shalt have no other gods before me" and "Have no idols." These are clearly sins, so where is the line? I hope I can get over this and be turned onto something more spiritually benign.
I will write more, I just needed to get this off my chest.
Here are the details. I went home to my parents over Christmas, when its just me and them, there really is not too much for us to do, so I had a lot of free time on my hands, something I am not used to. Well one thing led to another and I sort of went on, for lack of a better term, a binge. That alone is one thing, but the second is slightly more alarming. My dark bates have NOT gone away, but rather have intensified, as a friend of mine (blog reader) is getting me more into this, not because he wants to pull me down, but rather that we have experienced the same things, and it is hot for us to encourage each other into the dark pleasures of satanic masturbation.
Even saying this gives me a shutter, of course I just came, so I am, for the time being, in my right mind and not horned up. What has happened, is I have done this so much now, that I need increasingly more intense material to get me off, even to the point where I am questioning the spirituality of what I am entering into. I am scared, but also excited at the same time. I think what allowed the dam of restraint to at last break forth was a realization that, even though its very edgy, it is still just a fetish, like all my others, the only difference is this one involves masturbation to demons with erect cocks. I know if I read these words when I was 32, when I started this blog, I would be shocked. I was shocked at myself for looking at Temple Priapus, for crying out loud, and honestly that is weak sauce now, hardly even something to concern me. I should have realized that no matter how much I fight it, I was on a journey to the dark side, Priapus lead to cock worship which basically is satanism. I think God would find it odd that I get off to masturbating to His mortal enemy. But I said a little prayer that whatever happened, I would not mean it. All it took is me watching a 5 minute Xtube video for me to cum in huge, large ropes into the air.
The reason I am writing this is one, to keep a record of this new development, but also to try to find some reason as to why this is happening to me. I know I have had these tendencies before, but over the last week,, the lid has really been blown off, I am not sure how much more deeper I will end up going. I guess the appeal is the idea of freedom from rules, and a system that rewards and encourages self pleasure, and making yourself your own God, "Do as Thou Wilt." This appeals to the sin nature that we all have whether through original sin, or learned behavior, depending on which theologian you believe regarding sin.
Let's face it, sin is pleasurable, there is no way around this. I have been trying to convince myself that there can be both, you can be a Christian and masturbate as much as you like and nothing will happen. But the issue is when the masturbation becomes your own god, or better that your cock is your own god, that clearly is a violation of "Thou shalt have no other gods before me" and "Have no idols." These are clearly sins, so where is the line? I hope I can get over this and be turned onto something more spiritually benign.
I will write more, I just needed to get this off my chest.
Tuesday, December 9, 2014
Understanding My Blasphemy Fetish
I just came, and it is ever becoming more clear to me that I have a blasphemy fetish and that many of my other interests and fetishes are evolving into this dark one. Anyone who has read this blog will see the gradual progression from my first interests in Priapus to where I am now. Man, so where do I begin?
A lot has happened to me in the last 48 hours, and I hope by the end of this ordeal I emerge unscathed. It all started with a blog reader who got me thinking about this fetish, and before long I was right back there doing it, going to dark places and enjoying the pleasure it brings to cum to words and images, but curiously words have more power for some reason.
I, at last, decided, strangely, to document this dark journey by recording the best websites for this kind of thing (which I will not publish here as this is not that kind of blog--hence no pictures), when I stumbled across one particular website (again which shall remain unnamed to protect the innocent) which sought to not get me off, but help me understand what I am dealing with.
For one, I am not a satanist because I have a blasphemy fetish. I have not renounced my faith, but rather am exploring what is out there. As of this moment, I pray, I do not renounce anything, and curiously the site I was reading seemed to say that I am not fit to be given over to the devil because of my lust, as I have no spiritual desire for the dark side, it is only a sexual matter, a fetish. This gave me some relief, although not that much, knowing I have not done something to bring my soul in danger, but am close to it.
The issue, it seems, is the ability to separate my sexuality from my religion and faith, which seems to be an impossible task, but is doable. I have to see this as nothing but material to get me off, not a mortal sin, or a statement to say I'm changing sides. I didn't ask to have a blasphemy fetish, but somehow I have one now. And it really is this at the heart of what gets my juices flowing. I looked at Cock Worship, or adoration of your cock, the church of Cock, Cock is God, and all the rest, and although that seems interesting to some extent, it really is not at the heart of all of this. It is not about my cock, it is about rebellion.
At the heart of this seed is a need for a lack of control, I came up with this notion again after lunch. I know I have mentioned this before, but I do see how all of this is related to one master theme in my life. My diaper and sports fetishes, and recently dumbing down, all have a common denominator--lack of control. So what about blasphemy, how is that related to control? Well my other fetishes came around late high school/ early college, but when I was an evangelical Christian, masturbation was a hot topic. We all talked about it as a sin, something you had to avoid, had to stop, had to repress. I truly think, although I cannot know for certain, that it is the residue of this repression that has pushed me into my blas. fet. When I masturbate, I wear my fraternity hoodie, I won't name the organization, but it is a fraternity for believers. So it represents the source of much of this repression. I see repression as a form of control, so to give into an entity that encourages me to give up that control and rewards me with ultimate pleasure is a very hard thing to resist. What I am coming to realize is that I have not really interacted with a demon or the devil, I just like the idea of all of it as a sexual expression.
So what does this all mean, exactly? To be honest, I am not sure. It is not all just perfect now as I am sort of in a spiritual crossfire. Although I am not doing anything to impress satanists, I am doing things that could piss off God. I know He understands it is a fetish, but man, a fetish to get off on joining with His enemy, is not exactly what I think He has in mind for me. The suggestion this website gives is just change religions, to one tolerant of this behavior that is not Christianity or Satanism, but my issue is that is a HUGE life change, and I just can't do that, I still believe in Jesus, that He is real, that He is my Lord. I have tested my faith, and have a strong foundation I cannot just walk away from. So changing religions is not an option, nor is becoming a Satanist, obviously for the same reason. So I am left with just dealing with the fetish on its own terms and seeing, somehow, if I can reconcile this with my faith on the grounds that it is not a spiritual thing at all. I can pray before I masturbate, that whatever I look at or think about is not about the one true real God, it is just pretend, like wearing a scary mask on Halloween.
I don't know if that is insane to ask for or not, but I just cannot leave my church family over this fetish, it is not that important to me. I will continue to struggle with this in the short term until, hopefully, I start to focus on something else, like dumbing down fetish (which is impossible to find anything on except warpmymind, and even the file I liked is gone now :( ) As always, thanks for reading me ramble on, I will post more when I have more clarity on this turn of events.
A lot has happened to me in the last 48 hours, and I hope by the end of this ordeal I emerge unscathed. It all started with a blog reader who got me thinking about this fetish, and before long I was right back there doing it, going to dark places and enjoying the pleasure it brings to cum to words and images, but curiously words have more power for some reason.
I, at last, decided, strangely, to document this dark journey by recording the best websites for this kind of thing (which I will not publish here as this is not that kind of blog--hence no pictures), when I stumbled across one particular website (again which shall remain unnamed to protect the innocent) which sought to not get me off, but help me understand what I am dealing with.
For one, I am not a satanist because I have a blasphemy fetish. I have not renounced my faith, but rather am exploring what is out there. As of this moment, I pray, I do not renounce anything, and curiously the site I was reading seemed to say that I am not fit to be given over to the devil because of my lust, as I have no spiritual desire for the dark side, it is only a sexual matter, a fetish. This gave me some relief, although not that much, knowing I have not done something to bring my soul in danger, but am close to it.
The issue, it seems, is the ability to separate my sexuality from my religion and faith, which seems to be an impossible task, but is doable. I have to see this as nothing but material to get me off, not a mortal sin, or a statement to say I'm changing sides. I didn't ask to have a blasphemy fetish, but somehow I have one now. And it really is this at the heart of what gets my juices flowing. I looked at Cock Worship, or adoration of your cock, the church of Cock, Cock is God, and all the rest, and although that seems interesting to some extent, it really is not at the heart of all of this. It is not about my cock, it is about rebellion.
At the heart of this seed is a need for a lack of control, I came up with this notion again after lunch. I know I have mentioned this before, but I do see how all of this is related to one master theme in my life. My diaper and sports fetishes, and recently dumbing down, all have a common denominator--lack of control. So what about blasphemy, how is that related to control? Well my other fetishes came around late high school/ early college, but when I was an evangelical Christian, masturbation was a hot topic. We all talked about it as a sin, something you had to avoid, had to stop, had to repress. I truly think, although I cannot know for certain, that it is the residue of this repression that has pushed me into my blas. fet. When I masturbate, I wear my fraternity hoodie, I won't name the organization, but it is a fraternity for believers. So it represents the source of much of this repression. I see repression as a form of control, so to give into an entity that encourages me to give up that control and rewards me with ultimate pleasure is a very hard thing to resist. What I am coming to realize is that I have not really interacted with a demon or the devil, I just like the idea of all of it as a sexual expression.
So what does this all mean, exactly? To be honest, I am not sure. It is not all just perfect now as I am sort of in a spiritual crossfire. Although I am not doing anything to impress satanists, I am doing things that could piss off God. I know He understands it is a fetish, but man, a fetish to get off on joining with His enemy, is not exactly what I think He has in mind for me. The suggestion this website gives is just change religions, to one tolerant of this behavior that is not Christianity or Satanism, but my issue is that is a HUGE life change, and I just can't do that, I still believe in Jesus, that He is real, that He is my Lord. I have tested my faith, and have a strong foundation I cannot just walk away from. So changing religions is not an option, nor is becoming a Satanist, obviously for the same reason. So I am left with just dealing with the fetish on its own terms and seeing, somehow, if I can reconcile this with my faith on the grounds that it is not a spiritual thing at all. I can pray before I masturbate, that whatever I look at or think about is not about the one true real God, it is just pretend, like wearing a scary mask on Halloween.
I don't know if that is insane to ask for or not, but I just cannot leave my church family over this fetish, it is not that important to me. I will continue to struggle with this in the short term until, hopefully, I start to focus on something else, like dumbing down fetish (which is impossible to find anything on except warpmymind, and even the file I liked is gone now :( ) As always, thanks for reading me ramble on, I will post more when I have more clarity on this turn of events.
Saturday, December 6, 2014
Clarification on Infantilism
Ok, I think its important that I clear up something for all my readers who may be confused about my fetishes. I have mentioned on more than one occasion, that I have an ABDL fetish, which stands for adult baby/ diaper lover. I know that the ABDL community has worked very hard over the years, as this fetish is becoming more widely known, to announce that this has ABSOLUTELY NOTHING to do with real children. I had a conversation with one of my blog readers who somehow had it in his head that I am into Pedo., because I have a diaper fetish. It must be understood, by those who do not understand this, that the fetish is about ADULTS, over 18, who are turned on by the idea of becoming a baby, and--in particular--wearing and using diapers. The diaper side is a from the desire to loose control of yourself, so you want to regress, to become like a baby or toddler. And in my case, to become dumb, which, last I checked, was not illegal. It simply has nothing to do with wanting to see children in some horrific act--this is wrong and is ILLEGAL, I will have nothing to do with it in any way, shape or form, and I hope everyone behind the staging of such material is caught and put in prison, where they belong.
That is all I have to say, I am kinda worked up about this and will post something new when I am calmed. My dark bate desires have passed for the time being, as expected, let's hope it stays that way.
That is all I have to say, I am kinda worked up about this and will post something new when I am calmed. My dark bate desires have passed for the time being, as expected, let's hope it stays that way.
Monday, November 24, 2014
Dark Bate
Well, the first thing you'll notice with this very overdue blog post is that I do not have my bate rate listed. About a month ago, I decided to stop tracking my sessions, which was a huge polar shift for me since I have done it for years. I made a poll on a certain masturbation website asking if people would be willing to join a group so we could all track...I thought there would be a lot of interest, and while there was some, the overwhelming response was, "what's the point", "that's too much work", "masturbation is not supposed to be about work, or doing anything". That got me thinking, maybe it is a silly idea to track and spend so much time seeing how much I bate and where I am. What will it really gain me to know I am at .86 or .68? I will just do it when I feel like it anyways, right? No point in forcing pleasure if I don't want to, but as you will see that is the least of my worries right now.
If you are curious, my rate is about the same, although this last week my intensity and frequency has gone up because I have gotten back into something I don't think is a good idea; I call it dark bate. It's very intense, hot and gets me going, but I really think it's a sin. I have met a friend, through this blog, that has gotten me into this, and I have pushed him as well, so we are kinda in this together, and it has gotten to a point where I really need to take a step back and take stock at what is happening, and what needs to happen as I proceed forward.
First off, my other fetishes seem to be fading, for the time being, with this new fetish, which is considered blasphemy fetish. Basically, I am getting off on the idea that pleasure = evil, and that these sites encourages you to seek out as much pleasure, in whatever form possible, so basic hedonism. I think this comes from about a 5 to six year period when I thought all masturbation was sin, and did everything in my power to stop it, so in short religion stopped the pleasure. Now, the pleasure I am getting from this is so intense, and the deeper I go with it, the more it seems to be taking hold, the more I am jerking off and the more I need to jerk off, so the addiction is getting stronger. When I am in it, I want to be encouraged to go deeper, get more addicted, look at more blasphemy to make me hard.
I am of the mind, right now, to just let this thing take its course, not to fight it, but allow it to not be so "bad" and take away its power. By fighting it, it just becomes forbidden fruit that is all the more desirable, thus causing me to fall more deeper into the weeds. Also, for one, I know that pleasure does not = sin or evil, but these demon lust sites, satanism in general, want you to think that it is, that is how they get their power, they want you to think anything fun and pleasurable is what satan wants and the opposite is what God wants. This is a lie. So the goal is to somehow translate this truth to my internal self, to my sexuality so I am not turned on by this. I can't just pretend that it is okay to go to these sites, not because masturbation is wrong, but because they are spouting out blasphemy against God, and that is not okay.
I wish there was more I could say about this, but I am in the middle of this struggle and its hard to gain proper perspective on this when you are in the midst of it, I will write more soon when I have more clarity.
If you are curious, my rate is about the same, although this last week my intensity and frequency has gone up because I have gotten back into something I don't think is a good idea; I call it dark bate. It's very intense, hot and gets me going, but I really think it's a sin. I have met a friend, through this blog, that has gotten me into this, and I have pushed him as well, so we are kinda in this together, and it has gotten to a point where I really need to take a step back and take stock at what is happening, and what needs to happen as I proceed forward.
First off, my other fetishes seem to be fading, for the time being, with this new fetish, which is considered blasphemy fetish. Basically, I am getting off on the idea that pleasure = evil, and that these sites encourages you to seek out as much pleasure, in whatever form possible, so basic hedonism. I think this comes from about a 5 to six year period when I thought all masturbation was sin, and did everything in my power to stop it, so in short religion stopped the pleasure. Now, the pleasure I am getting from this is so intense, and the deeper I go with it, the more it seems to be taking hold, the more I am jerking off and the more I need to jerk off, so the addiction is getting stronger. When I am in it, I want to be encouraged to go deeper, get more addicted, look at more blasphemy to make me hard.
I am of the mind, right now, to just let this thing take its course, not to fight it, but allow it to not be so "bad" and take away its power. By fighting it, it just becomes forbidden fruit that is all the more desirable, thus causing me to fall more deeper into the weeds. Also, for one, I know that pleasure does not = sin or evil, but these demon lust sites, satanism in general, want you to think that it is, that is how they get their power, they want you to think anything fun and pleasurable is what satan wants and the opposite is what God wants. This is a lie. So the goal is to somehow translate this truth to my internal self, to my sexuality so I am not turned on by this. I can't just pretend that it is okay to go to these sites, not because masturbation is wrong, but because they are spouting out blasphemy against God, and that is not okay.
I wish there was more I could say about this, but I am in the middle of this struggle and its hard to gain proper perspective on this when you are in the midst of it, I will write more soon when I have more clarity.
Sunday, July 27, 2014
Letting the Bomb Drop
BR .6818
Well last night was very interesting and disturbing. I don't often post about particular events in this blog, as you know if you read this blog, I don't consider this a "diary". I often think about why I do blog at all, all this information is so personal, so private, and I am sharing it with strangers across the internet - but just about no one really knows who I am, and it is that anonymity that makes this medium possible.
That was a very long preface to set up what is really on my mind. I am sure at some point in this blog I have mentioned that I am ABDL. Anyways, my new girlfriend and I were talking and we were discussing how we would get on in the bedroom, in that how she could use some of my fetishes to reach me sexually. Well, being who I am, and having a few drinks in me, I let it slip that I have this other fetish (that I had not told her about yet, and was planning to tell her much later on in the relationship). I did all I could to divert the conversation, but she said I cannot say that and not follow through with what it was, she would be ever wondering, and would not drop it...this went on for a few minutes until I relented (against my best judgement) and told her about it.
It did not go well. She seemed to have accepted my other fetishes without any issue, but this one was harder, stranger, and she kept linking it with peodofila (intentionally misspelled), which is NOT what this is about in the least, I cannot underscore that point more. Well, the upshot of all of this is that I feel awful, not so much for being an DL, but more for her reaction to it. I have worked for so many years reading on line, joining the community, to finally come to a point that this is acceptable, if done purely for its own sake. Hell, I even went to a therapist about it! And he was okay with it too. I also came to an acceptance, that there is no sin involved, but all of that seems to be little solace to me now. She is also the first person in my life who has reacted this way, I have told two others, and their reaction was far more agreeable, I chalk that up to maturity and the depth of our friendship. I have only known this person for 8 weeks and now she knows just about everything there is to know about me, save for a few details in the fetishes, and she does not know about the dark fetishes (blasphemy), which I am doing a lot to stop.
So in the reaction she had, it transferred to me in making me feel bad, I could not sleep, kept tossing and turning, having that deep uncertain feeling that all is lost. She told me that she was not going to break up with me over this, but if we were ever to be together I would have to stop messing around with all that stuff. That is a tall order considering I have been messing around with this stuff in some form or the other since I was 15! Now I have not really been doing stuff with it recently, in fact it really is one of my minor fetishes, but to do away with it altogether would be hard for me, and honestly unfair. It is harming no one and just because she can't handle it, is not really my problem, is it? I felt (as you can see in my last blog entry) that I have already sacrificed a lot to be with her in that she is not my ideal match, but I am willing to look past those things to be with her and build a relationship. I am contemplating posting something about this on line on a site frequented by some in the community to see what their feedback would be. The main thing I have learned is be damn careful what you say, what you allude to! I already messed up twice in the last few days by saying things that have gotten me in hot water with her, it will not happen again!! Relationships are hard!!
Well last night was very interesting and disturbing. I don't often post about particular events in this blog, as you know if you read this blog, I don't consider this a "diary". I often think about why I do blog at all, all this information is so personal, so private, and I am sharing it with strangers across the internet - but just about no one really knows who I am, and it is that anonymity that makes this medium possible.
That was a very long preface to set up what is really on my mind. I am sure at some point in this blog I have mentioned that I am ABDL. Anyways, my new girlfriend and I were talking and we were discussing how we would get on in the bedroom, in that how she could use some of my fetishes to reach me sexually. Well, being who I am, and having a few drinks in me, I let it slip that I have this other fetish (that I had not told her about yet, and was planning to tell her much later on in the relationship). I did all I could to divert the conversation, but she said I cannot say that and not follow through with what it was, she would be ever wondering, and would not drop it...this went on for a few minutes until I relented (against my best judgement) and told her about it.
It did not go well. She seemed to have accepted my other fetishes without any issue, but this one was harder, stranger, and she kept linking it with peodofila (intentionally misspelled), which is NOT what this is about in the least, I cannot underscore that point more. Well, the upshot of all of this is that I feel awful, not so much for being an DL, but more for her reaction to it. I have worked for so many years reading on line, joining the community, to finally come to a point that this is acceptable, if done purely for its own sake. Hell, I even went to a therapist about it! And he was okay with it too. I also came to an acceptance, that there is no sin involved, but all of that seems to be little solace to me now. She is also the first person in my life who has reacted this way, I have told two others, and their reaction was far more agreeable, I chalk that up to maturity and the depth of our friendship. I have only known this person for 8 weeks and now she knows just about everything there is to know about me, save for a few details in the fetishes, and she does not know about the dark fetishes (blasphemy), which I am doing a lot to stop.
So in the reaction she had, it transferred to me in making me feel bad, I could not sleep, kept tossing and turning, having that deep uncertain feeling that all is lost. She told me that she was not going to break up with me over this, but if we were ever to be together I would have to stop messing around with all that stuff. That is a tall order considering I have been messing around with this stuff in some form or the other since I was 15! Now I have not really been doing stuff with it recently, in fact it really is one of my minor fetishes, but to do away with it altogether would be hard for me, and honestly unfair. It is harming no one and just because she can't handle it, is not really my problem, is it? I felt (as you can see in my last blog entry) that I have already sacrificed a lot to be with her in that she is not my ideal match, but I am willing to look past those things to be with her and build a relationship. I am contemplating posting something about this on line on a site frequented by some in the community to see what their feedback would be. The main thing I have learned is be damn careful what you say, what you allude to! I already messed up twice in the last few days by saying things that have gotten me in hot water with her, it will not happen again!! Relationships are hard!!
Sunday, June 29, 2014
Much Change and Much to Think About
BR 0.6400
Well it is three months later now, man has the spring past by fast! And I am sad to see that I have not done well in keeping up with this blog. I have been meaning for a long time to get back to writing and parsing out my thoughts so I can analyze my future. So on the masturbation front, I have lost ground, just look at my score, in the 60 percentile. So far only 115 times and today is reckoned as the 179th day of the year (I don't count January 1 as day one as it is not a full day--24 hours--until January 2). Anyways, back in March, I was in the 80th percentile. So why the slowdown? I will tell you, one very simple reason: GIRLFRIEND! Duh duh duh!!!
Yes, it's true. I have a real, living breathing, girlfriend and she has sapped my sex drive. Well, that is not 100% true, I was slowing down before she came around, but until recently, I have stopped masturbating as much. Why, you ask? Well, it's simple. I, as a gay/ bi-sexual man-- have thought I could really go either way, so when she came around, we have not had sex, I thought I would focus my attentions on her and as a result, I have not done so for myself. Why am I with a woman and not a man? Well, I don't think I am 100% gay, in fact I know I am not, I have seen that in various encounters I have had, so I thought, since I really lack experience with women, that I wold give it a shot and see how it goes. I met her on line, one of those dating sites, and she was the only one to respond to me.
She and I actually talked about the masturbation issue recently, and she pretty much gave me permission to continue looking at porn and doing my thing, which I have done so with pleasure. But all of our issues are by no means resolved, and boy do we have issues. I am with her because for the first time in a long time, I have found someone, who I know for a fact, likes me....a lot. That says something, you know that she is not playing games, she is not just wanting to be your "friend", so I have not let this one go. She is sweet, she is funny and I do really enjoy her company, but as I have been saying to everyone I talk to about her, that this has been a huge adjustment for me. She is from a different background, and taking that with a smattering of other issues, I think it unlikely we last. But what can I do? I can't just dump her because I have a few reservations, can I? I think in time, she will come to understand that we will ultimately not be that happy together as a couple, but I don't want that time to happen just yet. I think if it does happen, it will be a mutual agreement, and if it doesn't, well there just won't be an engagement party anytime soon, but who knows, I may change my views on this.
So I hold onto here because I want to see what it's really like to have a girlfriend, to be in a relationship, and who knows, maybe all of these issues we are having will melt away and the things that annoy the hell out of me about her will be less important and there will be hope. What I am focusing on is living through the moment, not hyper-analyzing everything and projecting needlessly into the future, for a future that is increasingly uncertain. So am I wasting my time? I don't think so because with this girl I am learning what I can do, what can turn me on from a woman, and for the next round I will be far more selective for what I want because I will know.
I will ensure she will never read these words, as she does not know about this blog and my last name is not listed on purpose, so I will touch on the main issues: 1) Lack of education and questionable intelligence. She can learn, but her reading level is very low, spelling atrocious, vocabulary at a 7th or 8th grade level, at best, and I am afraid it may be too late for her improve. She has never been to college, I have a Masters. 2) Lack of career. She does not work in a job I would consider "titled". 3) Zero physical attraction, save that I like the look of her face and eyes, but her bottom half disgusts me. 4) Family is a bit sketchy, a lot of divorces and kids out of wedlock, people living together and not married, that kind of thing. The family feels provincial, but the jury is still out on that, besides I am not dating her family, just her. 5) Faith traditions totally different, will be a challenge. 6) She is a tad clingy, but I caulk that up to me being and introvert, not really an issue for her more on my end. 7) Lack of financial skills, not organized, etc. Seems to be a bit ditzy, if you know what I mean.
So why do I hold on? Well someone told me that opposites do attract, and if we married someone exactly like us, we would hate ourselves, so there may be wisdom there. I like having girlfriend, I like that she likes me, I like that she is so in love with me that she is willing to change. She also has a child, from another marriage, so I think that is special, so I think there is hope on some level. I don't know, I hope I am not too gay that this will never work, but that is over analyzing again! I will keep you posted on the developments, for now I just like to keep her around as long as I can.
Well it is three months later now, man has the spring past by fast! And I am sad to see that I have not done well in keeping up with this blog. I have been meaning for a long time to get back to writing and parsing out my thoughts so I can analyze my future. So on the masturbation front, I have lost ground, just look at my score, in the 60 percentile. So far only 115 times and today is reckoned as the 179th day of the year (I don't count January 1 as day one as it is not a full day--24 hours--until January 2). Anyways, back in March, I was in the 80th percentile. So why the slowdown? I will tell you, one very simple reason: GIRLFRIEND! Duh duh duh!!!
Yes, it's true. I have a real, living breathing, girlfriend and she has sapped my sex drive. Well, that is not 100% true, I was slowing down before she came around, but until recently, I have stopped masturbating as much. Why, you ask? Well, it's simple. I, as a gay/ bi-sexual man-- have thought I could really go either way, so when she came around, we have not had sex, I thought I would focus my attentions on her and as a result, I have not done so for myself. Why am I with a woman and not a man? Well, I don't think I am 100% gay, in fact I know I am not, I have seen that in various encounters I have had, so I thought, since I really lack experience with women, that I wold give it a shot and see how it goes. I met her on line, one of those dating sites, and she was the only one to respond to me.
She and I actually talked about the masturbation issue recently, and she pretty much gave me permission to continue looking at porn and doing my thing, which I have done so with pleasure. But all of our issues are by no means resolved, and boy do we have issues. I am with her because for the first time in a long time, I have found someone, who I know for a fact, likes me....a lot. That says something, you know that she is not playing games, she is not just wanting to be your "friend", so I have not let this one go. She is sweet, she is funny and I do really enjoy her company, but as I have been saying to everyone I talk to about her, that this has been a huge adjustment for me. She is from a different background, and taking that with a smattering of other issues, I think it unlikely we last. But what can I do? I can't just dump her because I have a few reservations, can I? I think in time, she will come to understand that we will ultimately not be that happy together as a couple, but I don't want that time to happen just yet. I think if it does happen, it will be a mutual agreement, and if it doesn't, well there just won't be an engagement party anytime soon, but who knows, I may change my views on this.
So I hold onto here because I want to see what it's really like to have a girlfriend, to be in a relationship, and who knows, maybe all of these issues we are having will melt away and the things that annoy the hell out of me about her will be less important and there will be hope. What I am focusing on is living through the moment, not hyper-analyzing everything and projecting needlessly into the future, for a future that is increasingly uncertain. So am I wasting my time? I don't think so because with this girl I am learning what I can do, what can turn me on from a woman, and for the next round I will be far more selective for what I want because I will know.
I will ensure she will never read these words, as she does not know about this blog and my last name is not listed on purpose, so I will touch on the main issues: 1) Lack of education and questionable intelligence. She can learn, but her reading level is very low, spelling atrocious, vocabulary at a 7th or 8th grade level, at best, and I am afraid it may be too late for her improve. She has never been to college, I have a Masters. 2) Lack of career. She does not work in a job I would consider "titled". 3) Zero physical attraction, save that I like the look of her face and eyes, but her bottom half disgusts me. 4) Family is a bit sketchy, a lot of divorces and kids out of wedlock, people living together and not married, that kind of thing. The family feels provincial, but the jury is still out on that, besides I am not dating her family, just her. 5) Faith traditions totally different, will be a challenge. 6) She is a tad clingy, but I caulk that up to me being and introvert, not really an issue for her more on my end. 7) Lack of financial skills, not organized, etc. Seems to be a bit ditzy, if you know what I mean.
So why do I hold on? Well someone told me that opposites do attract, and if we married someone exactly like us, we would hate ourselves, so there may be wisdom there. I like having girlfriend, I like that she likes me, I like that she is so in love with me that she is willing to change. She also has a child, from another marriage, so I think that is special, so I think there is hope on some level. I don't know, I hope I am not too gay that this will never work, but that is over analyzing again! I will keep you posted on the developments, for now I just like to keep her around as long as I can.
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