Short Personal Update:
I plan on doing this informally and in clips and phrases, rather than one decisive comprehensive piece of thought and future policy. I would also never normally take the time to do this on a Saturday night with two movies waiting to be watched from Movie Gallery, but I will remain committed to following through with the deadlines that I am imposing on myself.
So where am I now on the great issue and question of masturbation? Well first off I think it is invaluable to be able to write on this issue when I am not in the guilt phase or the horny phase, but have a clear mind and ability to process what I know and what I need to be doing. I have masturbated today, but compared to what I have been doing only earlier this week, it was a very tame and guiltless exercise of self relief and discharge needed to keep me focused on other more important things. Its best to day that I have undergone something like an amputation of my ability to see and experience whatever I please. I have added an internet filter called Pro Con to my Firefox browser that is free and very effective. I have a password I use to constantly adjust its settings, but I am proud to report that I am no longer going onto penis worship sites or the like and the longer I am away from it, the less hold these things seem to have on me. This is a true blessing and I am really happy to say that this approach seems to be working for the moment.
The deeper issue I am having at this time has to do largely with my future and if I possess the ability to become a husband. Dating is very hard work and I am very frustrated that I lack the inner desire to pursue the girls that have been put into my path. The truth be told, I know I am partly gay, or even bi-sexual, but because of my deeply rooted religious convictions, I am refusing to give into any of that and remain steadfast in either a marriage or celibacy. I pray and hope that I can get through to Jennifer and really want to spend time with her and she me, but it is so hard not being close and not being able to become intimate. I know that God has someone out there for me, I just pray that I can find her and that she would be willing to accept me for who I am as a person.
But all of this having been said, is important for a context in my present journey, but not really for the purpose I have at hand and what I have alluded to in either journal entries-the great manifesto, the final written discourse on masturbation, sex, porn, lust fetishes and all of the likes in between. I have set today as the die date for this manifesto, but I fear that it can not be done in a single day, there is too much to cover and discover in the course of life to ever really be done with such a thing, but I will try my best to take a stab at this and come up with some rough outlines of what this needs to be and what this will be used for.
Purpose and Need:
The manifesto is suppose to take a deeper look, using Scripture, prayer and other resources as determine the ultimate spiritual truths regarding my specific sexual experiences and fetishes. I think there are several valuable resources already in place on the web that I will need to look into to discover this and come to an ultimate understanding.
Resources and Methods:
The method I will use to do this project will be a simple process of reading information specific to the form of sexuality that I deal with and putting these into a Christian context. Everything needs to be backed up with scripture so that there is a true immutable understanding.
Goal:
The arrive with the truth and the application of the truth and from this an ultimate personal policy or target to aim towards for the rest of my life, or until the truth I have revealed is further revealed with deeper truths and thereby enhanced clarity.
Manifesto:
Masturbation has been called a sin by many conservative Christians, although the rub of this is that there is no place in the scriptures where this is called out specifically.
****I understand now, in a moment of clarity I think I have it, God has blessed me just now at 7:48 pm on Saturday, January 10, 2009. Not to take anything away from what I have just written, but in a flash I see the distinctions, I see where I have sinned and where the acceptability of this lies.
1) Lust is when I look at people engaged in sexual acts and I imagine being the participant of that act. This is wrong. Group sex and orgies are wrong.
2) Masturbation used to relieve stress and release is not wrong, this is done naturally or by our own abilities. We have to let out semen to function, otherwise we could cause harm to ourselves.
3) Gear can be worn as a expression of one's desired apparel. Gear as an idol or something that is elevated above God is sin. Know the difference, if the gear is more important than spiritual things, it is an idol.
4) Sexual arousal from gear is okay, if that is what it does. It should not be provoked but endured, the focus needs to not be on sexual relations with other men while in gear or otherwise.
5) Pray for God to bring about the healthy desire for women and marriage and be willing to change as God can change you.
6) Masturbation has a religious rite is wrong. Cock worship of any kind is wrong. Addictive or compulsive masturbation is wrong. Avoid these things and avoid people who glorify these things. It is better to be with the fighters than the losers who are resigned to their own destruction.
7) Constantly read the Bible, in this you will see the truth and God will reveal his character through the scriptures. Do not willing sin.
This is the revelation that has been sent to me now. If there is need to go into this more, I pray that God will lead my heart to do this and dig deeper, but I do not see the need to do this now as I feel I have what I need now to function. Praise be to God!!
Saturday, January 10, 2009
Friday, December 19, 2008
I Lost!
So I guess you can say I am definitely not a professional 'bater. So I went to play the game and I got a weird time, which I suppose I left myself open to in the rules. I began to think about getting up at 4:00 AM to jerk off and the appeal of this game seemed to wear off.
After I was done trying to edge I went all the way and blew my load, I took a shower and thought to myself I cannot make plans to stop me from doing this, but I also can't make plans to make me want to do it more either! So until you hear otherwise, my plan is to NOT have any plans, not feed my lust, but let things go merrily on the course they are set to go. It was a mistake to get so involved with these chronic masturbaters when clearly I am not one of them nor do I have any desire to become like them. I had a fantasy about these groups and now that I can see what they are all about it doesn't quite seem as fun, then again I just blew my load so you know this is the zero horny side of me talking. More on this later, I have a lot else I need to do tonight!
After I was done trying to edge I went all the way and blew my load, I took a shower and thought to myself I cannot make plans to stop me from doing this, but I also can't make plans to make me want to do it more either! So until you hear otherwise, my plan is to NOT have any plans, not feed my lust, but let things go merrily on the course they are set to go. It was a mistake to get so involved with these chronic masturbaters when clearly I am not one of them nor do I have any desire to become like them. I had a fantasy about these groups and now that I can see what they are all about it doesn't quite seem as fun, then again I just blew my load so you know this is the zero horny side of me talking. More on this later, I have a lot else I need to do tonight!
Masturbation Game Time!
So yeah, this is a new tact in my ongoing adventures in masturbation. So I have been good this week and shot on Tuesday and today is Friday and I am ready to go. The reason I am writing a entry now is because I told myself in light of the negative thoughts on this subject, or at least the questioning thoughts, that after I am done with what I want to do that I WILL NOT feel bad, guilty, ashamed or otherwise in a faul spirit.
So what happened? Where is that manifesto I promised? Well it's not forgotten, but the task in itself is so large I have no had time to begin it. Meanwhile my horniness knows not how to wait. This is the the problem. What I want to do takes so much discipline, but what I end up doing is so easy and natural, even now as I write this I feel my penis getting hard and excited at knowing that he will get free reign in the next 24 hours. Now its out of my pants so it can say hi and feel free too! Man I love this! Why stop this? It feel so good to do it and we need to do it every now and then to let go and feel that pleasure!
I know I will revisit this subject, I know that there are limits, I know that I cannot give up all I am to become a penis worshiper. But come on I just want to have a little fun with the joys and gifts that God has given me!
So enough of that, here is the deal for tonight:
The Masturbation Binge Game
Rule 1: I cannot touch myself until the appointed time.
Rule 2: I spin my random wheel to get an exact time AM or PM.
Rule 3: I edge once every two hours until the time comes. My look at anything that turn me on if I am not edging (just can't touch).
Rule 4: 10 minutes before the time, I need to gear up in football gear.
Rule 5: 1 minute before I go for it (appointed time), I spin again to get a number between 0-120.
Rule 6: At the appointed time I try to cum as much as I can in the 0-120 minute time window. Must be different masturbation sessions.
Rule 7: Blog about the experience and also on a Yahoo group.
Goal: Cum at least 3 different times to WIN.
Ok, on your mark, get set. GO!!!
So what happened? Where is that manifesto I promised? Well it's not forgotten, but the task in itself is so large I have no had time to begin it. Meanwhile my horniness knows not how to wait. This is the the problem. What I want to do takes so much discipline, but what I end up doing is so easy and natural, even now as I write this I feel my penis getting hard and excited at knowing that he will get free reign in the next 24 hours. Now its out of my pants so it can say hi and feel free too! Man I love this! Why stop this? It feel so good to do it and we need to do it every now and then to let go and feel that pleasure!
I know I will revisit this subject, I know that there are limits, I know that I cannot give up all I am to become a penis worshiper. But come on I just want to have a little fun with the joys and gifts that God has given me!
So enough of that, here is the deal for tonight:
The Masturbation Binge Game
Rule 1: I cannot touch myself until the appointed time.
Rule 2: I spin my random wheel to get an exact time AM or PM.
Rule 3: I edge once every two hours until the time comes. My look at anything that turn me on if I am not edging (just can't touch).
Rule 4: 10 minutes before the time, I need to gear up in football gear.
Rule 5: 1 minute before I go for it (appointed time), I spin again to get a number between 0-120.
Rule 6: At the appointed time I try to cum as much as I can in the 0-120 minute time window. Must be different masturbation sessions.
Rule 7: Blog about the experience and also on a Yahoo group.
Goal: Cum at least 3 different times to WIN.
Ok, on your mark, get set. GO!!!
Saturday, December 6, 2008
More questions about masturbation
Anyone reading this blog can see that my life tends to get hung up on sexual issues. This is because I am single and I have devoted a lot of my time towards masturbation and my fetishes. I have been confronted on this several times, most recently was when I was undergoing the Doors of Hope course, which I never finished. There I was told that any self gratification, or masturbation, was a sin and it had to be stopped. I challenged this assertion because I was not able to find anything in the Bible about this being a sin. Well, now I am looking on line once again and I have found so many sites that are opposed to the practice and it is really frustrating me that so many Christians out there feel this way. I had gone through all of this so many times before and yet I end up in the same place once again questioning and wondering what I need to be doing.
I didn't plan on spending my valuable time today on this subject, as I have so much I need to be doing, but I find that once again I need some time to reflect on this as I have been moving towards increased masturbation in the last week, which was something else I was going to blog about as well. I had planned on writing a manifesto, if that is even the right word, detailing all the scripture references and how they deal with this subject, the subject of lust, and really what our response needs to be. My goal, of course, was to use this to affirm my beliefs that it is okay under certain conditions, etc. Well my self confidence on this issue is fading because oddly enough I googled the words "masturbation" and "prayer". I was wondering if there was such a thing as a masturbation prayer and in a dark crevice of my soul I was hoping to hit the Temple Priapus site again, but instead I was hit with page after page of how to stop masturbating, how it was a sin, etc. etc.
Now I am blogging to try to reflect on this in a deep and meaningful way so I can start to figure this out. After all, that's the name of this blog! I am not really sure where to begin. I suppose I can detail a little bit of history on where I have been going the last few weeks or so. I have looked and joined several yahoo groups (it always seems to start with the yahoo groups) on pro masturbation groups. Mainly because I was tired of always running into groups that were trying to make me stop. You see I had made the decision that I didn't think it was a sin, but so often I craved so much to see and observe those who are addicted to it. This kind of goes back to my desires earlier to go onto the temple and cock worshiping sites. The idea of giving oneself to the feelings and desires in a ritualized "quasi religious" setting seems overwhelmingly delicious to me. The process of seeing people in so much pleasure and yes lust makes me hard. This is my flesh crying out for more, and I see that my desires to dabble in this has acted to propound the desire so that I do form the addictions myself, which turns me on even more and more and so there is a downward spiral, a decent into masturbatory addiction and self worship. I began to worry when my decent actually landed me on a Satanic site, pentagrams, inverted crosses and everything. I came while on it and it made me feel exceedingly guilty. I can't help it, but in a way a rebellion against the rules of Christianity is part of this, and I hate that. Ex-Christians.net actually gives me hard on thinking of all those ex-Christians feeding their desires now and living under the illusion of freedom, when in sad reality they are in chains to the sins of pleasure and Satan has them where he wants them. But how to break that desire to see it is beyond me.
I prayed and did so many push ups that night because I looked at the cock worshiping blogs as I knew I sinned and was doing evil on myself. I had gotten to close to the flame of sin that I got burnt from it. After much self inflicted pain I did feel better, forgiven and justified. I prayed more on the Wednesday and took communion and really really tried to focus on God. Well last night I went on line again and masturbated. I had planned this mainly because I wanted to and really saw no sin or harm in it--I was not going onto any Satanic sites that time, only looking at a guy masturbate in a on-line video as I mimicked his behavior with my own. I thought my sin on Tuesday was the fact that I was getting off on genuine evil. Now after reading all of these Christian sites, I think even what I did last night could be considered wrong.
I think maybe I have gone too far with this, joining sites like Bate Nation and three yahoo groups that send out pro-masturbation e-mails by the hour seemingly. I can see wrong in it because it does take so much of my time now thinking about getting off and what the next masturbation game will be, all in an endless fruitless effort to get high off of it. A self induced drug to get a better and better fix. Edging and devoting more and more time to the act, elevating my penis as a little god, so easy and tempting to "worship" like all the others out there. I have always spoke of needing balance, needing regulation. But maybe something like this really can't be regulated when I am soaking in porn pretty much and interacting with people who are so addicted to pornography their lives are defined by it, spending hours, days looking at lustful things and feeding their addictions until it's practically irreversible. I know if I carry on, reading and looking at these sites while mindlessly edging away I will become like them, a slave to porn a slave to my penis's desires. Sex is such a powerful thing, it really can take over your life if you let it. I think I have allowed myself to taste the carnal cyber fruits and now I do have a bit of a compulsion forming.
So maybe masturbation is a sin? Where on earth does that leave me? I mean I spend 15 year trying to stop it, maybe I never knew the way how? What is so hard is the feelings it gives, how can I walk away from orgasms? And don't give me this nonsense about the marriage bed, God has not blessed me with a marriage, maybe because of this very issue, but it is an unending cycle, because I persist in masturbation because I am not married. My counselor, my own thought, my frustrations at the inability to permanently stop, my realization that this is a physiological need all have led me down the road that it is okay to do it. So I am left with questions again and now you see where I am. I am afraid to just give all of this over to God. I feel that at some point in my life I did this already, in one of my plans or programs I did this, but maybe my problem is me. I want to solve it on my own terms without really giving it over to God and His true desires of me. I know I have done this and I end up masturbating anyways waiting on something from God to tell me to do otherwise. Perhaps I just need some more patience on this and just not worry about it so much?
I like to leave my thoughts and ramblings with some kind of action plan. Here is what I think I need to do from this point forward.
1.) I need to read up in the Bible and actually write my manifesto. This will involve some of my old writings on this subject, but the goal is to look at what scripture really says. Yes, I know I wont see the magic "m" word in there, but that does not mean there are not other passages that may be helpful in sorting this out. Maybe from there I can get a personal constitution and interpretation to reflect specifically on my behavioral goals. Similar to my 1990s Analysis of Human Behavior journal, this will look at it from the scripture side more.
2.) After the manifesto is done I need to write out my personal behavior contract as to my final interpretation and goals as to what I will and will not do. I hope to answer: What is the nature of lust for me? What is sin? Where does God want to take me? How do I deal with my physical needs? What is holy and pure masturbation? Does it exist?
3.) Once I have a plan, I actually want to start my own Yahoo Group that support my plan. It will be a group of Christians that will either be in support of lustless or moral masturbation or it will be a group dedicated to stopping it once and for all. I am not sure at this point what this will look like, but I feel no matter what, I would like to form a group on it so I can find others out there that are in my camp. I may very well delete my involvement on gooning, etc. if I feel that those groups are pulling me away from my manifesto and promoting what is porn and lust for ME, not what is porn generally for others. I am unique and maybe looking at a guy jerk off is not a big deal because it doesn't cause me to lust after the guy. Who knows I will look forward to what I find out. In the end I pray that this manifesto is the be all end all on this 15 year debate I undergone on masturbation. I will post the manifesto on this blog. More to come.
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I didn't plan on spending my valuable time today on this subject, as I have so much I need to be doing, but I find that once again I need some time to reflect on this as I have been moving towards increased masturbation in the last week, which was something else I was going to blog about as well. I had planned on writing a manifesto, if that is even the right word, detailing all the scripture references and how they deal with this subject, the subject of lust, and really what our response needs to be. My goal, of course, was to use this to affirm my beliefs that it is okay under certain conditions, etc. Well my self confidence on this issue is fading because oddly enough I googled the words "masturbation" and "prayer". I was wondering if there was such a thing as a masturbation prayer and in a dark crevice of my soul I was hoping to hit the Temple Priapus site again, but instead I was hit with page after page of how to stop masturbating, how it was a sin, etc. etc.
Now I am blogging to try to reflect on this in a deep and meaningful way so I can start to figure this out. After all, that's the name of this blog! I am not really sure where to begin. I suppose I can detail a little bit of history on where I have been going the last few weeks or so. I have looked and joined several yahoo groups (it always seems to start with the yahoo groups) on pro masturbation groups. Mainly because I was tired of always running into groups that were trying to make me stop. You see I had made the decision that I didn't think it was a sin, but so often I craved so much to see and observe those who are addicted to it. This kind of goes back to my desires earlier to go onto the temple and cock worshiping sites. The idea of giving oneself to the feelings and desires in a ritualized "quasi religious" setting seems overwhelmingly delicious to me. The process of seeing people in so much pleasure and yes lust makes me hard. This is my flesh crying out for more, and I see that my desires to dabble in this has acted to propound the desire so that I do form the addictions myself, which turns me on even more and more and so there is a downward spiral, a decent into masturbatory addiction and self worship. I began to worry when my decent actually landed me on a Satanic site, pentagrams, inverted crosses and everything. I came while on it and it made me feel exceedingly guilty. I can't help it, but in a way a rebellion against the rules of Christianity is part of this, and I hate that. Ex-Christians.net actually gives me hard on thinking of all those ex-Christians feeding their desires now and living under the illusion of freedom, when in sad reality they are in chains to the sins of pleasure and Satan has them where he wants them. But how to break that desire to see it is beyond me.
I prayed and did so many push ups that night because I looked at the cock worshiping blogs as I knew I sinned and was doing evil on myself. I had gotten to close to the flame of sin that I got burnt from it. After much self inflicted pain I did feel better, forgiven and justified. I prayed more on the Wednesday and took communion and really really tried to focus on God. Well last night I went on line again and masturbated. I had planned this mainly because I wanted to and really saw no sin or harm in it--I was not going onto any Satanic sites that time, only looking at a guy masturbate in a on-line video as I mimicked his behavior with my own. I thought my sin on Tuesday was the fact that I was getting off on genuine evil. Now after reading all of these Christian sites, I think even what I did last night could be considered wrong.
I think maybe I have gone too far with this, joining sites like Bate Nation and three yahoo groups that send out pro-masturbation e-mails by the hour seemingly. I can see wrong in it because it does take so much of my time now thinking about getting off and what the next masturbation game will be, all in an endless fruitless effort to get high off of it. A self induced drug to get a better and better fix. Edging and devoting more and more time to the act, elevating my penis as a little god, so easy and tempting to "worship" like all the others out there. I have always spoke of needing balance, needing regulation. But maybe something like this really can't be regulated when I am soaking in porn pretty much and interacting with people who are so addicted to pornography their lives are defined by it, spending hours, days looking at lustful things and feeding their addictions until it's practically irreversible. I know if I carry on, reading and looking at these sites while mindlessly edging away I will become like them, a slave to porn a slave to my penis's desires. Sex is such a powerful thing, it really can take over your life if you let it. I think I have allowed myself to taste the carnal cyber fruits and now I do have a bit of a compulsion forming.
So maybe masturbation is a sin? Where on earth does that leave me? I mean I spend 15 year trying to stop it, maybe I never knew the way how? What is so hard is the feelings it gives, how can I walk away from orgasms? And don't give me this nonsense about the marriage bed, God has not blessed me with a marriage, maybe because of this very issue, but it is an unending cycle, because I persist in masturbation because I am not married. My counselor, my own thought, my frustrations at the inability to permanently stop, my realization that this is a physiological need all have led me down the road that it is okay to do it. So I am left with questions again and now you see where I am. I am afraid to just give all of this over to God. I feel that at some point in my life I did this already, in one of my plans or programs I did this, but maybe my problem is me. I want to solve it on my own terms without really giving it over to God and His true desires of me. I know I have done this and I end up masturbating anyways waiting on something from God to tell me to do otherwise. Perhaps I just need some more patience on this and just not worry about it so much?
I like to leave my thoughts and ramblings with some kind of action plan. Here is what I think I need to do from this point forward.
1.) I need to read up in the Bible and actually write my manifesto. This will involve some of my old writings on this subject, but the goal is to look at what scripture really says. Yes, I know I wont see the magic "m" word in there, but that does not mean there are not other passages that may be helpful in sorting this out. Maybe from there I can get a personal constitution and interpretation to reflect specifically on my behavioral goals. Similar to my 1990s Analysis of Human Behavior journal, this will look at it from the scripture side more.
2.) After the manifesto is done I need to write out my personal behavior contract as to my final interpretation and goals as to what I will and will not do. I hope to answer: What is the nature of lust for me? What is sin? Where does God want to take me? How do I deal with my physical needs? What is holy and pure masturbation? Does it exist?
3.) Once I have a plan, I actually want to start my own Yahoo Group that support my plan. It will be a group of Christians that will either be in support of lustless or moral masturbation or it will be a group dedicated to stopping it once and for all. I am not sure at this point what this will look like, but I feel no matter what, I would like to form a group on it so I can find others out there that are in my camp. I may very well delete my involvement on gooning, etc. if I feel that those groups are pulling me away from my manifesto and promoting what is porn and lust for ME, not what is porn generally for others. I am unique and maybe looking at a guy jerk off is not a big deal because it doesn't cause me to lust after the guy. Who knows I will look forward to what I find out. In the end I pray that this manifesto is the be all end all on this 15 year debate I undergone on masturbation. I will post the manifesto on this blog. More to come.
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Saturday, November 15, 2008
Some time later with some answers
So, its been three months since I last visited this blog. I am sad to say that much of my progress or whatever you call my daily journey in life remains unchanged. I admit that I do lack direction as to what I should be doing with my life. So often I go from phase to phase almost as if I am a leaf to be blown about in the wind, eking out this meager existence here on earth. That does sound rather depressing, but as I have just finished masturbating to pornography, that does tend to happen.
I think I am really being attacked here. I can see that this is evidenced by the course of events that led up to my most recent sins. I was doing just fine all day until I started feeling rather horny on the drive back home. I think this was triggered by my looking for a store that seems to no longer be in business anyways. Well I began to start to think about some sexy black nylon soccer shorts, something I find incredibly hot.
Well then I was thinking about an e-mail I got from one of my pro masturbation yahoo groups. It does not take much for me to get going, to begin to think about the cheap easy thrills. I wanted to find a website dedicated to those who are hard core masturbation addicts and watch or even partake in their decent into that addiction. I got home and was able to contain myself long enough to unpack the car of items, before I made a b-line to my closest and went ahead and put on a diaper (another fetish of mine). I am still in one now. Well then I go to try to see if there are any sites out there about diaper masturbation, pro-masturbation, etc., etc. Well I give up and go to the pit of depravity itself and view a video of two guys in MX gear having oral sex. I have hit a new low once again.
I even prayed beforehand for God to forgive my carnal carvings and then I put God out of my mind as I indulged and released my seed into a condom. I am not proud of any of this and this is why I am under a assumed name here. I do not want anyone to know my true identity. The truth of my life is x-rated and is sinful.
So what now? I am always left with that same question. Why do all the pleasurable things in life have to be off limits? Why are we called to so much suffering here on earth? Why has God left me with such weak will. When it comes to temptation I am a weakling and I seek and even take pleasure in knowing that there are others who are just as weak or even worse. I can see that those who do revel in this godless lifestyle of perpetual pleasures and depravities have indeed been so far from God and given over by Him to indulge in their sins. I am on the edge. I try to be righteous each day, read my prayers, be interested in God and reading the Bible. But I again and again find myself falling short, going back to the bad water, my comfortable and easy sin.
I will ask for forgiveness and I do want it and believe in Jesus and the grace that he gives, but I must break this sin cycle I am on. I first off MUST identity that what I am doing is sin, without question, and furthermore we as Christians are called to not sin. If I can at least bring myself to make that distinction, I at least know where the battle lines are drawn and where I ought to never go. I feel I have made that distinction, but I crave what I know I cannot have. I so often justify what I want to see as being okay. I think the problem is I need to learn how to run away from my sins. I am not good at seeing where my thoughts lead until it's too late. I need a plan of attack, a way to say okay this is what I will do and what I won't. This is not the first time I have had such plans. I have had many rules I have given myself about this, but what happens? The rules are bent and then broken and then forgotten. They are replaced by the law of sin that is burned into my mind. The law of sin is never forgotten. It is not a rule or a ritual to be followed, it is a way of living.
I know I cannot stop masturbating. My therapist even told me that doing this would not be good. We are made for pleasure, withholding it would only bring unbelievable amounts of pain, stress, and basic unhappiness. I know God does call us to suffer, but is this the way he intended? Again, I am left in the dark and very discouraged on this issue because I have had that view many times before in the last ten years only to fail again and again. I have an entire notebook full of failed plans of stopping this, and it was all in vain, I do it still and often.
But does that mean I am resigned to allow sin to rule in my life? No! Again the distinctions here are critical. I have said before that the act alone of masturbation, under certain circumstances, is not sinful. I can even guess when these times are as I do not really feel guilty per se, only maybe a little tired. So there is a level or degree in which masturbation can be taken to a new level that is sin. I must rest my hope on this belief because I know masturbation can be managed if it is allowed in increments to satisfy physical urges. I know that the germ of another "plan" is looming on the horizon, but do I have a choice? If I blow today off as some lapse of spiritual judgment, what will come next? Who is to say that this will not happen again? I have been to xtube before, many times, and for some months after I tried Doors of Hope, I was able to stay off the site, but in the last three to four times I masturbated, pornography has creep back in ever so slowly.
I have to be on a constant patrol. I have to always be at watch. The door has been opened and it cannot be closed. I have been exposed, I have seen things that will always turn me on. So now I have to stay on guard. So what does that mean? What am I to do to be on guard and what exactly is it that I am trying to watch out for?
I think the solution to the knotted mess which is my sexual life, is for me to stop masturbating at the computer. When I am on my bed in the heat of my desires, I seek out to enhance them with my lust for seeing others in the same state while in the same gear I am in. I think that is why I am so addicted to the idea of seeing people getting addicted. It's that lack of control that I am falling into that seems so pleasurable. And why not do this with friends? This is very dangerous and deadly. I cannot be allowed to go there and indulge in Temple Priapus, masturbation clubs, or whatever the sites, groups, or addictive material may be. That is idolatry, pure and simple.
I have tried to block porn from my computer with limited success. I need to now do more work to block these sites once and for all. I know that in the heat of lust, I will regret this, but I have no self control then. The Bible is so clear on this issue. We are to run away from temptation and cut the strings that bind us to it. I must cut ties with that website and at least I can not go there. I also need once again (for the second time now) quit the masturbation group. What does this do but encourage me to do it more and view porn. This group serves no purpose. I can easily masturbate without being on it. Lastly, I do need to pray for God's deliverance from these sins on a daily basis. If I am going to be a Christian, I have to fight, I have to allow myself to be used, and He cannot use rotten seeds. This life is not about fulfilling every last pleasure imaginable. I went to a hedonism website once and was sickened at the darkness of it and how decidedly lost these people were. What I fail to understand is that without God, Jesus, my life is meaningless and has no value. I think that God wants to steal away these pleasures, but in the end He can provide me joys beyond any measure. I pray I can stay on the path to God and not take any more detours, as tempting as they may seen. The law of God is written on my heart, I know deep down when I am violating it. I pray now I can keep from seeking that which will destroy me.
UPDATE 12-06-08: I am shocked when I re-read this entry to see how I have basically been blinded by my own lust! Here I had a plan all along and what do I end up doing about two weeks later? I join the very groups and websites I spoke against! Does my righteous spirit have no memory? I know that this is the reason I persist in the same cycles is because I forget, I allow myself the pleasure and I indulge and explore indulge and explore until I discover I am addicted. My plan, if it is kept God willing, is to continue on with the manifesto I spoke of in the 12-6 entry, but I had to add this at my own self discovery that my convictions are so easily entangled in sin and distraction. You have one chink in the armor and the devil will exploit it until there is no armor left. May God forgive me for my weakness.
I think I am really being attacked here. I can see that this is evidenced by the course of events that led up to my most recent sins. I was doing just fine all day until I started feeling rather horny on the drive back home. I think this was triggered by my looking for a store that seems to no longer be in business anyways. Well I began to start to think about some sexy black nylon soccer shorts, something I find incredibly hot.
Well then I was thinking about an e-mail I got from one of my pro masturbation yahoo groups. It does not take much for me to get going, to begin to think about the cheap easy thrills. I wanted to find a website dedicated to those who are hard core masturbation addicts and watch or even partake in their decent into that addiction. I got home and was able to contain myself long enough to unpack the car of items, before I made a b-line to my closest and went ahead and put on a diaper (another fetish of mine). I am still in one now. Well then I go to try to see if there are any sites out there about diaper masturbation, pro-masturbation, etc., etc. Well I give up and go to the pit of depravity itself and view a video of two guys in MX gear having oral sex. I have hit a new low once again.
I even prayed beforehand for God to forgive my carnal carvings and then I put God out of my mind as I indulged and released my seed into a condom. I am not proud of any of this and this is why I am under a assumed name here. I do not want anyone to know my true identity. The truth of my life is x-rated and is sinful.
So what now? I am always left with that same question. Why do all the pleasurable things in life have to be off limits? Why are we called to so much suffering here on earth? Why has God left me with such weak will. When it comes to temptation I am a weakling and I seek and even take pleasure in knowing that there are others who are just as weak or even worse. I can see that those who do revel in this godless lifestyle of perpetual pleasures and depravities have indeed been so far from God and given over by Him to indulge in their sins. I am on the edge. I try to be righteous each day, read my prayers, be interested in God and reading the Bible. But I again and again find myself falling short, going back to the bad water, my comfortable and easy sin.
I will ask for forgiveness and I do want it and believe in Jesus and the grace that he gives, but I must break this sin cycle I am on. I first off MUST identity that what I am doing is sin, without question, and furthermore we as Christians are called to not sin. If I can at least bring myself to make that distinction, I at least know where the battle lines are drawn and where I ought to never go. I feel I have made that distinction, but I crave what I know I cannot have. I so often justify what I want to see as being okay. I think the problem is I need to learn how to run away from my sins. I am not good at seeing where my thoughts lead until it's too late. I need a plan of attack, a way to say okay this is what I will do and what I won't. This is not the first time I have had such plans. I have had many rules I have given myself about this, but what happens? The rules are bent and then broken and then forgotten. They are replaced by the law of sin that is burned into my mind. The law of sin is never forgotten. It is not a rule or a ritual to be followed, it is a way of living.
I know I cannot stop masturbating. My therapist even told me that doing this would not be good. We are made for pleasure, withholding it would only bring unbelievable amounts of pain, stress, and basic unhappiness. I know God does call us to suffer, but is this the way he intended? Again, I am left in the dark and very discouraged on this issue because I have had that view many times before in the last ten years only to fail again and again. I have an entire notebook full of failed plans of stopping this, and it was all in vain, I do it still and often.
But does that mean I am resigned to allow sin to rule in my life? No! Again the distinctions here are critical. I have said before that the act alone of masturbation, under certain circumstances, is not sinful. I can even guess when these times are as I do not really feel guilty per se, only maybe a little tired. So there is a level or degree in which masturbation can be taken to a new level that is sin. I must rest my hope on this belief because I know masturbation can be managed if it is allowed in increments to satisfy physical urges. I know that the germ of another "plan" is looming on the horizon, but do I have a choice? If I blow today off as some lapse of spiritual judgment, what will come next? Who is to say that this will not happen again? I have been to xtube before, many times, and for some months after I tried Doors of Hope, I was able to stay off the site, but in the last three to four times I masturbated, pornography has creep back in ever so slowly.
I have to be on a constant patrol. I have to always be at watch. The door has been opened and it cannot be closed. I have been exposed, I have seen things that will always turn me on. So now I have to stay on guard. So what does that mean? What am I to do to be on guard and what exactly is it that I am trying to watch out for?
I think the solution to the knotted mess which is my sexual life, is for me to stop masturbating at the computer. When I am on my bed in the heat of my desires, I seek out to enhance them with my lust for seeing others in the same state while in the same gear I am in. I think that is why I am so addicted to the idea of seeing people getting addicted. It's that lack of control that I am falling into that seems so pleasurable. And why not do this with friends? This is very dangerous and deadly. I cannot be allowed to go there and indulge in Temple Priapus, masturbation clubs, or whatever the sites, groups, or addictive material may be. That is idolatry, pure and simple.
I have tried to block porn from my computer with limited success. I need to now do more work to block these sites once and for all. I know that in the heat of lust, I will regret this, but I have no self control then. The Bible is so clear on this issue. We are to run away from temptation and cut the strings that bind us to it. I must cut ties with that website and at least I can not go there. I also need once again (for the second time now) quit the masturbation group. What does this do but encourage me to do it more and view porn. This group serves no purpose. I can easily masturbate without being on it. Lastly, I do need to pray for God's deliverance from these sins on a daily basis. If I am going to be a Christian, I have to fight, I have to allow myself to be used, and He cannot use rotten seeds. This life is not about fulfilling every last pleasure imaginable. I went to a hedonism website once and was sickened at the darkness of it and how decidedly lost these people were. What I fail to understand is that without God, Jesus, my life is meaningless and has no value. I think that God wants to steal away these pleasures, but in the end He can provide me joys beyond any measure. I pray I can stay on the path to God and not take any more detours, as tempting as they may seen. The law of God is written on my heart, I know deep down when I am violating it. I pray now I can keep from seeking that which will destroy me.
UPDATE 12-06-08: I am shocked when I re-read this entry to see how I have basically been blinded by my own lust! Here I had a plan all along and what do I end up doing about two weeks later? I join the very groups and websites I spoke against! Does my righteous spirit have no memory? I know that this is the reason I persist in the same cycles is because I forget, I allow myself the pleasure and I indulge and explore indulge and explore until I discover I am addicted. My plan, if it is kept God willing, is to continue on with the manifesto I spoke of in the 12-6 entry, but I had to add this at my own self discovery that my convictions are so easily entangled in sin and distraction. You have one chink in the armor and the devil will exploit it until there is no armor left. May God forgive me for my weakness.
Saturday, August 16, 2008
Update on Work and Home Life
I am glad I get to spend some more time today journaling for there is a lot on which I need to update. I sat down just now at my computer with the idea that I would do good and work on updating my budget, but I know now I need to take some moments to update my journal blog. This is the medium by which I sort out my thoughts, fears, hopes, and future aspirations.
The most impacting thing that has occurred really is something that has been happening at work. I never journal about work, because so often it is not something worth reflecting on. I like what I do, but it is rarely in my thoughts. About two weeks ago now, or maybe a little more than that, I was led down the primrose path so to speak. I was given the charming new idea that I should solicit extra help from the Admin. Assistant for some of my lighter, administrative type duties. I was able to justify this based off of my work load in current planning and that I felt much of that could be transfered to a permit clerk type position. My goal for a long time has been to get out from under the weight of dealing with current planning. I thought this could be a solution that would work, at least on a trial basis, while I was working on getting some Code revisions made that had been off schedule since the other planner left.
Well what ended up happening was so much worse, the whole idea as it was, has backfired and I have instead ended up with a micro manager over me. My actual boss seems to be impotent when it comes to dealing with personnel issues. The worse part of this is I have new hard deadlines for when I can get all these projects done, that likely would not have been imposed so imperialistically had I just kept my head low. The dynamics of my work place are coercive. There is no place for creative ideas or suggestions, and all that leads to is other people who come in and try to fix your problems for you without an inkling of an idea what is needed to fix them. It's like asking your dentist to fix your toilet, it's just not going to be done right.
It seems that whenever I try to do anything to elevate my own position, I get stamped down by people who by the sheer luck of their own circumstances are in the power to do so. Are they more qualified? I don't think so, they just have earned some trust and have been given dangerous amounts of power. It's rather scary what is happening and what I am seeing. If my old boss was here, he would not believe how much has changed. My office manager lives in a spirit of fear. And I am ashamed to say that she often gets me to feel the same way. "Oh, if you do stay late you may get in trouble!" My freedoms are eroding because my boss seems to lack the ability to supervise and direct his own employees, because he also lives in the same spirit of fear. He is a nice man, very easy to get along with, but that is the problem, he is too eager to please everyone and this allows things to happen that simply are not right, this has been an issue for years. We had others in the past that didn't have this same fear, and I would dare say that I think they excelled. I tried to use the same boldness, by challenging false statements and accusations, but this seems to get me no where. I am under a lot of pressure and attention, much if not all is unneeded. I assumed, wrongly, that with staff leaving right and left, I would be able to justify my position, justify my need for clerical aide. But once again I have assumed wrongly.
They will help. I did win that battle, but never on the terms that I recommended. Now if this was not all bad enough, something else happened to make matter worse. Not only do I have this very strenuous deadline, I had about 80% of my files get deleted last Wednesday. What the heck is up with that? So I am dealing with the fallout of my office work for years on end being deleted into the vapor of cyberspace. It's a miracle I am taking this as well as I am considering all that has been thrown at me. What is even more painful about this is not just the data lose, it's the accusations being made behind closed doors and in secret places. I have no idea where this will lead, my guess is that nothing will come of it, but if sabotage is brought up to the CEO, I guarantee there will be hell to pay for all of us.
So where do I go from here? That is a great question! I think I have learned that first off I am working in a coercive work environment. That in this environment I must keep my head low in order to survive. Meaning that if I try to do anything that draws attention to myself or my work, it will end up with more attention and micro management and control. If I try to draw this out in the open, and rock the boat, it will only result in more meetings, more accusations, and more control and more wasted time without there being a positive result or outcome. That the best way for me to get out of this unscathed, if that is even a possibility at this point, is for me to give out the bear minimum about of information on what I am doing and for me to continue to meet or exceed deadlines. When there is nothing for them to use against me, I think they will realize that they have other more pressing issues at hand than to micro manage me. All I can do is what they ask of me, no more, no less.
Meanwhile, after I have busied myself with my Code writing delights, I will seek earnestly for new employment. I am in chains here, there is no freedom for me to even ask what I may do and it's getting to the point that I don't even have the power to think for myself what is even a good idea. The head CEO of where I work (I will not be as transparent on the inter web as I am in my own private journals, but that's the draw back of this medium) is a reacter. He reacts to things and makes decisions. He does not plan, organize, or provide any rational thought to issues, but rather applies arbitrary deadlines and solutions on the fly that may or may not work (whether they do or not is inconsequential, as long as the solution is pursued). He doesn't bother himself with the details, but expects results without even giving a thought what the human or financial costs are to attain them. If you try to being these up you get slapped with deadlines and solutions that are impractical or even borderline ridiculous. This is the power that I speak of and his power is given away to others who know even less of what is really happening. This configuration leaves no room for improvement. There seems to be nothing anyone can do. So now it is time for me to do what I need to do. Get out! Get Out Now!
I commit to looking at jobs and sending out letters are resumes at least once a week. I know its going to suck, but I don't care, as detailed so clearly above, there is nothing I can do, no room to grow, nothing to look forward to. I need air to breathe, I need to move on, it's time, its been time for a very long time now. Now I see so clearly why others would not work under him, I cannot imagine what it is like to deal with him on a daily basis.
I was going to journal some on my personal life. But time is passing me by and I don't have the time to go into this in great detail. All I can say now is that I have prayed about not doing Doors of Hope. I think I am going to be taking a break for some time, until I feel I have the need to go back into it. The course is drumming the same truths in me time and time again without me struggling with them anymore. It also takes about an hour to do everyday, and that time can be used better in other areas. I continue to grapple with masturbation, but I am under the strict rule of only doing it when I need to do it. I don't think that is any form of self gratification, if my body is needing it. I aim to do it less and less and so far I am meeting this goal. I just will not feed my lusts and I think I will be okay. I saw a counselor about this and I think he helped me get back on the right track. I'm sure my mentor will question my salvation and my sin, but honestly it's not any of his business. He only sees the world in black and white, there are no shades of gray.
-----------------------------------------out--------------------------------------
The most impacting thing that has occurred really is something that has been happening at work. I never journal about work, because so often it is not something worth reflecting on. I like what I do, but it is rarely in my thoughts. About two weeks ago now, or maybe a little more than that, I was led down the primrose path so to speak. I was given the charming new idea that I should solicit extra help from the Admin. Assistant for some of my lighter, administrative type duties. I was able to justify this based off of my work load in current planning and that I felt much of that could be transfered to a permit clerk type position. My goal for a long time has been to get out from under the weight of dealing with current planning. I thought this could be a solution that would work, at least on a trial basis, while I was working on getting some Code revisions made that had been off schedule since the other planner left.
Well what ended up happening was so much worse, the whole idea as it was, has backfired and I have instead ended up with a micro manager over me. My actual boss seems to be impotent when it comes to dealing with personnel issues. The worse part of this is I have new hard deadlines for when I can get all these projects done, that likely would not have been imposed so imperialistically had I just kept my head low. The dynamics of my work place are coercive. There is no place for creative ideas or suggestions, and all that leads to is other people who come in and try to fix your problems for you without an inkling of an idea what is needed to fix them. It's like asking your dentist to fix your toilet, it's just not going to be done right.
It seems that whenever I try to do anything to elevate my own position, I get stamped down by people who by the sheer luck of their own circumstances are in the power to do so. Are they more qualified? I don't think so, they just have earned some trust and have been given dangerous amounts of power. It's rather scary what is happening and what I am seeing. If my old boss was here, he would not believe how much has changed. My office manager lives in a spirit of fear. And I am ashamed to say that she often gets me to feel the same way. "Oh, if you do stay late you may get in trouble!" My freedoms are eroding because my boss seems to lack the ability to supervise and direct his own employees, because he also lives in the same spirit of fear. He is a nice man, very easy to get along with, but that is the problem, he is too eager to please everyone and this allows things to happen that simply are not right, this has been an issue for years. We had others in the past that didn't have this same fear, and I would dare say that I think they excelled. I tried to use the same boldness, by challenging false statements and accusations, but this seems to get me no where. I am under a lot of pressure and attention, much if not all is unneeded. I assumed, wrongly, that with staff leaving right and left, I would be able to justify my position, justify my need for clerical aide. But once again I have assumed wrongly.
They will help. I did win that battle, but never on the terms that I recommended. Now if this was not all bad enough, something else happened to make matter worse. Not only do I have this very strenuous deadline, I had about 80% of my files get deleted last Wednesday. What the heck is up with that? So I am dealing with the fallout of my office work for years on end being deleted into the vapor of cyberspace. It's a miracle I am taking this as well as I am considering all that has been thrown at me. What is even more painful about this is not just the data lose, it's the accusations being made behind closed doors and in secret places. I have no idea where this will lead, my guess is that nothing will come of it, but if sabotage is brought up to the CEO, I guarantee there will be hell to pay for all of us.
So where do I go from here? That is a great question! I think I have learned that first off I am working in a coercive work environment. That in this environment I must keep my head low in order to survive. Meaning that if I try to do anything that draws attention to myself or my work, it will end up with more attention and micro management and control. If I try to draw this out in the open, and rock the boat, it will only result in more meetings, more accusations, and more control and more wasted time without there being a positive result or outcome. That the best way for me to get out of this unscathed, if that is even a possibility at this point, is for me to give out the bear minimum about of information on what I am doing and for me to continue to meet or exceed deadlines. When there is nothing for them to use against me, I think they will realize that they have other more pressing issues at hand than to micro manage me. All I can do is what they ask of me, no more, no less.
Meanwhile, after I have busied myself with my Code writing delights, I will seek earnestly for new employment. I am in chains here, there is no freedom for me to even ask what I may do and it's getting to the point that I don't even have the power to think for myself what is even a good idea. The head CEO of where I work (I will not be as transparent on the inter web as I am in my own private journals, but that's the draw back of this medium) is a reacter. He reacts to things and makes decisions. He does not plan, organize, or provide any rational thought to issues, but rather applies arbitrary deadlines and solutions on the fly that may or may not work (whether they do or not is inconsequential, as long as the solution is pursued). He doesn't bother himself with the details, but expects results without even giving a thought what the human or financial costs are to attain them. If you try to being these up you get slapped with deadlines and solutions that are impractical or even borderline ridiculous. This is the power that I speak of and his power is given away to others who know even less of what is really happening. This configuration leaves no room for improvement. There seems to be nothing anyone can do. So now it is time for me to do what I need to do. Get out! Get Out Now!
I commit to looking at jobs and sending out letters are resumes at least once a week. I know its going to suck, but I don't care, as detailed so clearly above, there is nothing I can do, no room to grow, nothing to look forward to. I need air to breathe, I need to move on, it's time, its been time for a very long time now. Now I see so clearly why others would not work under him, I cannot imagine what it is like to deal with him on a daily basis.
I was going to journal some on my personal life. But time is passing me by and I don't have the time to go into this in great detail. All I can say now is that I have prayed about not doing Doors of Hope. I think I am going to be taking a break for some time, until I feel I have the need to go back into it. The course is drumming the same truths in me time and time again without me struggling with them anymore. It also takes about an hour to do everyday, and that time can be used better in other areas. I continue to grapple with masturbation, but I am under the strict rule of only doing it when I need to do it. I don't think that is any form of self gratification, if my body is needing it. I aim to do it less and less and so far I am meeting this goal. I just will not feed my lusts and I think I will be okay. I saw a counselor about this and I think he helped me get back on the right track. I'm sure my mentor will question my salvation and my sin, but honestly it's not any of his business. He only sees the world in black and white, there are no shades of gray.
-----------------------------------------out--------------------------------------
Wednesday, July 30, 2008
Doors of Hope Course
So far I have completed eight sessions or days of the Doors of Hope Course from Setting Captives free.com. This is basically my next step after reading the book on my journey to overcome homosexuality and addiction to pornography. I have now come to a point in this process where I need to reevaluate where I am and what my objectives are. My issues with the course it that in order for them to be successful they must take a very ridged hard line approach to not only homosexuality, which would be obvious, but also fetishes and masturbation. When I signed up for the course my objective was not to stop all masturbation for the rest of my life. I have tried that and it did not work, my body simply needs to release every now and then apart from any thoughts I may have. It is a natural process that I personally see no harm in.
The rub comes in with my mentor who seems to think I need to take a more aggressive approach. This may be easy for him to mandate from his position, but I am pretty sure he has no idea what he is really asking me to do. That is why I need to stop for a moment and really evaluate what I think is right and go from there. I know that the point of the course and more generally of being a Christian is surrender to Christ and die to self. I agree with this, but there still needs to be discernment as to whose version of God are we surrendering to. I am sure the Mormons would have a very strict code I would need to follow if I went to them with my issues, but am I going to blindly follow their advise without checking it against scripture? I don't think so. There are so many false teachers out there, it is really scary. Just because someone says they are a Christian no longer holds any weight with me, there are so many supposed Christians who do not follow the truth or they twist it making less or even more restrictive than what God intended.
This is the crossroads that I am at right now. To what extent do I listen to what my mentor says and what is really the destination of where I need to go. In order to do this I will need to go back to my old journals and really read up on what I learned about a year ago when I was seeing Dr. Lampton. I had thought I had come to a point of validation and security, but now my position is being undermined by the precepts of this course I am taking. Therefore, more study is needed.
It is much later in the evening now, and I would like to try to work on the next day's lesson. I am not finished with this discussion and I look forward to getting a clearer direction on where I need to go in my life.
-----------------------------------------out----------------------------------------
The rub comes in with my mentor who seems to think I need to take a more aggressive approach. This may be easy for him to mandate from his position, but I am pretty sure he has no idea what he is really asking me to do. That is why I need to stop for a moment and really evaluate what I think is right and go from there. I know that the point of the course and more generally of being a Christian is surrender to Christ and die to self. I agree with this, but there still needs to be discernment as to whose version of God are we surrendering to. I am sure the Mormons would have a very strict code I would need to follow if I went to them with my issues, but am I going to blindly follow their advise without checking it against scripture? I don't think so. There are so many false teachers out there, it is really scary. Just because someone says they are a Christian no longer holds any weight with me, there are so many supposed Christians who do not follow the truth or they twist it making less or even more restrictive than what God intended.
This is the crossroads that I am at right now. To what extent do I listen to what my mentor says and what is really the destination of where I need to go. In order to do this I will need to go back to my old journals and really read up on what I learned about a year ago when I was seeing Dr. Lampton. I had thought I had come to a point of validation and security, but now my position is being undermined by the precepts of this course I am taking. Therefore, more study is needed.
It is much later in the evening now, and I would like to try to work on the next day's lesson. I am not finished with this discussion and I look forward to getting a clearer direction on where I need to go in my life.
-----------------------------------------out----------------------------------------
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