Bate Rate: 0.595531
I have come down from the high of "being dumb" or whatever that meant to me. I have found that there are not that many places, other than the comment section in these hypnosis files, where I can easily get off. It's not like I can see videos, or at least I have no idea where these would be, of guys getting dumb and horny at the same time, although such a thing would interest me to no end... Nonetheless, that phase is fading now as it is no longer anything new to me. My backwards slide towards a more typical less nyphomanical masturbation rate and practice was further enhanced over the weekend by my insanely busy schedule and a rather puritanical stand up comedy routine, I will not post the comedian's name for privacy reasons, but he had this effect of making me feel very sorry for how I have been behaving... Just the little push I needed to think that this game I'm playing is not worth it. Addictive auto-aroused hyper-sexuality is not all it is cracked up to be. It requires a devotion beyond that of any other human occupation and the people engaged in it have foregone all their social skills, unless you are goading them on to increase their desired vices and addictions. Is that what I want for myself? Again we have the constant struggle against what is hot vs. what is pragmatic. My great oscillation, once again, turning around to my personal morality.
I know that I will again want some of this back, there is no way to turn my Hyde off, no matter how much Dr. Jekyll medicates him, guilts him into submission. But in the end, I know I don't want to jump head first into the bate hole, because that is not where I want to be, no matter how attractive the promises of pure bliss seem to be, they are mere mirages on the horizon of a confused sexual landscape, full of pitfalls and misguided turns. The costs are just too high. After all, anyone who reads my blog can say that I am a Christian. No matter how much I pretend that I don't want to be one, I still am one. That is the reality I have chosen, that is my belief system. And by making that stand for Christ, I have to accept that there are just limitations to what I can be. Not that I am not more by being with Christ, I just cannot serve two masters, its as simple as that. Masturbation is a gift from God, I have no doubt in my mind about that, no matter what a fundie my tell me. But serving masturbation as my God, as sadly those who are in this most deeply do, is not okay, I have to say it is sin. God is God, and to make something created into a god, is not what we are called to do. Its like me worshiping pizza because I like to eat pizza. Eating pizza is not wrong, but worshiping it is. I was getting close to worshiping something other than God, even the idea of being dumb or horny, or getting horny, getting myself addicted to be more horny...maybe in moderation none of that is "bad", but in a lifestyle excluding all other forms of devotion? Yeah.... you see where I am going. I'll let you know how my feelings are on this subject when I am horny again... maybe some of this will stick?
Monday, September 17, 2012
Thursday, September 13, 2012
Moving On...?
Bate Rate: 0.58939
I thought by now I would be over the whole, let's be dumb thing, but it still factors into my deepest sexual desires. But I must say, as I have been down this road before, I tend to over estimate the real power of hypnosis. I spend the majority of the evening looking at forum posts from a person on WWM site to see how he may have been affected by listening to several files that got me off for the exact reason because I thought they had some kind of permanent effect, they don't, or at least those who continue to post on the site are not effected by them, they move onto other files and interests, as if the effect of the file was not even relevant. I must say that this is comforting to me, because even though I was so drawn to this sexually, the reality is far less effectual. We can't just unlearn things by what we listen, and if we do, it seems to only be temporary and highly variable based on who is listening and how suseptable they are to hypnosis. One thing I will also add before I head to bed, all of this has made me acutely aware of my own learning disability, in a way I am already dumb when I am compared to someone else's standards, so if I think about that shouldn't that be enough to make me feel good about it? Just something to ponder, for me so much of this is not your present state, but the reality that you know you have been changed and that you have lost some kind of control or understanding of your world, that you have become dumb and that feels good as a basis of comparison to your "normal" level.
I purposely did not correct any of my spelling errors, nor do I have the ability to correct them on my own without the spell check...and I know I have two in here with the squiggily red line, to prove I don't know it all, I need to feel "good" for that, but somehow it's just not the same?
I thought by now I would be over the whole, let's be dumb thing, but it still factors into my deepest sexual desires. But I must say, as I have been down this road before, I tend to over estimate the real power of hypnosis. I spend the majority of the evening looking at forum posts from a person on WWM site to see how he may have been affected by listening to several files that got me off for the exact reason because I thought they had some kind of permanent effect, they don't, or at least those who continue to post on the site are not effected by them, they move onto other files and interests, as if the effect of the file was not even relevant. I must say that this is comforting to me, because even though I was so drawn to this sexually, the reality is far less effectual. We can't just unlearn things by what we listen, and if we do, it seems to only be temporary and highly variable based on who is listening and how suseptable they are to hypnosis. One thing I will also add before I head to bed, all of this has made me acutely aware of my own learning disability, in a way I am already dumb when I am compared to someone else's standards, so if I think about that shouldn't that be enough to make me feel good about it? Just something to ponder, for me so much of this is not your present state, but the reality that you know you have been changed and that you have lost some kind of control or understanding of your world, that you have become dumb and that feels good as a basis of comparison to your "normal" level.
I purposely did not correct any of my spelling errors, nor do I have the ability to correct them on my own without the spell check...and I know I have two in here with the squiggily red line, to prove I don't know it all, I need to feel "good" for that, but somehow it's just not the same?
Tuesday, September 11, 2012
Being Dumb is Fun
Bate Rate: 0.57142
In the last 24 hours I have had an emphany of sorts. I went onto a new website, well new for me for awhile, that is the Warpmymind site. Basically devoted to erotic hypnosis files with a special emphasis on diapers and incontenance, but has a ton of other files on there too. I ran across one called "Be Dumb", and for me on a scale of 1 to 10, this is easily an 11 for what turns me on. I know it plays right into my regression desires, but rather than calling it a regression, they call it what it really is, dumbing down. The hypnosis file is very tempting for me to listen too, but I dare not all the way through, as I know it will work on me. I already feel its effects on me, being dumb makes me horny, makes me masturbate. I have no choice but to masturbate when I am dumb. Why I make this connection, I have no clue, but the file has re-inforced this in me, something really deep down. I am already dyslexic, have already been considered dumb in my own thoughts, when it takes me longer to learn new things, to figure things out, and I am always very forgetful. To prove this I am purposely not correcting any misspellings in this post to show my writing level. All I can say is it makes my cock so hard to feel dumb, being dumb is fun, being dumb feels good. It's good to be dumb, its so easy to forget, so easy to feel good and stupid. No expectations, no hard work, no need to think, just feel, just let it happen, just be dumb. Allow your self to slip into it, to feel what it feels like....
Don't worry I wont listen to all of the file, I know I am very suseptible to this, it will effect me. Have no looked at gay porn since 8/30, these files and reading how other guys are being regressed made dumb is enough for me.
In the last 24 hours I have had an emphany of sorts. I went onto a new website, well new for me for awhile, that is the Warpmymind site. Basically devoted to erotic hypnosis files with a special emphasis on diapers and incontenance, but has a ton of other files on there too. I ran across one called "Be Dumb", and for me on a scale of 1 to 10, this is easily an 11 for what turns me on. I know it plays right into my regression desires, but rather than calling it a regression, they call it what it really is, dumbing down. The hypnosis file is very tempting for me to listen too, but I dare not all the way through, as I know it will work on me. I already feel its effects on me, being dumb makes me horny, makes me masturbate. I have no choice but to masturbate when I am dumb. Why I make this connection, I have no clue, but the file has re-inforced this in me, something really deep down. I am already dyslexic, have already been considered dumb in my own thoughts, when it takes me longer to learn new things, to figure things out, and I am always very forgetful. To prove this I am purposely not correcting any misspellings in this post to show my writing level. All I can say is it makes my cock so hard to feel dumb, being dumb is fun, being dumb feels good. It's good to be dumb, its so easy to forget, so easy to feel good and stupid. No expectations, no hard work, no need to think, just feel, just let it happen, just be dumb. Allow your self to slip into it, to feel what it feels like....
Don't worry I wont listen to all of the file, I know I am very suseptible to this, it will effect me. Have no looked at gay porn since 8/30, these files and reading how other guys are being regressed made dumb is enough for me.
Monday, September 10, 2012
Bate World
My Bate Rate: 0.55795
I had originally posted what was below, starting with the quote in the following paragraph earlier today. But then I realized I actually had a comment on my last post from last month. I read it and re-read my last post. I should remember to read my last post before I shoot off whatever is on my mind, because I know when one reads these they will think I am the most indecisive person in the world... One day I am ant-masturbation and then the next time I am all for it! I call this my oscillation, a perpetual see-saw of inhibition and indulgence. I think I am largely guided by my emotions and how horny I find myself at any given moment. I really should not be assuming anything about myself, except that tomorrow I may feel differently... I guess in some ways that is the purpose of this blog, for me to flush out my thoughts and have the internet world read my ramblings... Needless to say, as you will soon easily judge from the rest of this post, I am in a pro-masturbation mood, now transitioned back to the dark side, from my earlier post (the one that was commented on). The culprit this time is a new website populated with solo-sexuals (most likely without partners like myself) who affirm and encourage the practice. That is a HUGE turn on for me, exactly what I have been looking for. So who know, maybe I can be more than a 46% kind of guy? (ref: to my last post)
(Here is what I originally wrote)
"There is no problem that masturbation cannot solve. There is no excuse to not masturbate." These words continue to ring in my head as I read them on a profile page on Bate World last night. Bate Word is yet the next step as I journey deeper into my bate and learn the joys of giving myself over entirely to the practice of self-pleasure. I feel I mostly identify with being a solo sexual person, I have struggled with this my whole life. Why can I never put to rest this masturbation subject? It has become a defining feature for me, the capstone to my sexuality and identity as a sexual being. I have attempted to control it, analyze it, suppress it, support it for years and years. Now has come the time for me to do the one thing I never fully did ever....give into it! Yes, to just let go and allow for my delicious slide into addiction to be complete. Stop fighting, just be, let it be, let it define you, let it consume you, and you will be in bliss.
You will notice that there is a strange number now at the top of this post. This is my "bate rate". So I made a pact with myself at the beginning of the year that I would want to have a "batting average" to play into my baseball fetish, of 1.0. This is calculated by taking the day of the year. Today it is Day 254 and divide it by the number of times I have done it. Just now I finished up my 142nd masturbation session in 2012. That gives the average shown above. As you watch my progress into my addictive state, you will see that number rise. The more I do it, the higher it gets!
All my readers out there, wish me luck! I hope I can get to 1.0 on or before December 31, 2012. My goal is simple. To masturbate 365 times this year (cumming not required). I must say that the site is getting me well on my way to this pleasurable personal goal. Wish me luck!
I had originally posted what was below, starting with the quote in the following paragraph earlier today. But then I realized I actually had a comment on my last post from last month. I read it and re-read my last post. I should remember to read my last post before I shoot off whatever is on my mind, because I know when one reads these they will think I am the most indecisive person in the world... One day I am ant-masturbation and then the next time I am all for it! I call this my oscillation, a perpetual see-saw of inhibition and indulgence. I think I am largely guided by my emotions and how horny I find myself at any given moment. I really should not be assuming anything about myself, except that tomorrow I may feel differently... I guess in some ways that is the purpose of this blog, for me to flush out my thoughts and have the internet world read my ramblings... Needless to say, as you will soon easily judge from the rest of this post, I am in a pro-masturbation mood, now transitioned back to the dark side, from my earlier post (the one that was commented on). The culprit this time is a new website populated with solo-sexuals (most likely without partners like myself) who affirm and encourage the practice. That is a HUGE turn on for me, exactly what I have been looking for. So who know, maybe I can be more than a 46% kind of guy? (ref: to my last post)
(Here is what I originally wrote)
"There is no problem that masturbation cannot solve. There is no excuse to not masturbate." These words continue to ring in my head as I read them on a profile page on Bate World last night. Bate Word is yet the next step as I journey deeper into my bate and learn the joys of giving myself over entirely to the practice of self-pleasure. I feel I mostly identify with being a solo sexual person, I have struggled with this my whole life. Why can I never put to rest this masturbation subject? It has become a defining feature for me, the capstone to my sexuality and identity as a sexual being. I have attempted to control it, analyze it, suppress it, support it for years and years. Now has come the time for me to do the one thing I never fully did ever....give into it! Yes, to just let go and allow for my delicious slide into addiction to be complete. Stop fighting, just be, let it be, let it define you, let it consume you, and you will be in bliss.
You will notice that there is a strange number now at the top of this post. This is my "bate rate". So I made a pact with myself at the beginning of the year that I would want to have a "batting average" to play into my baseball fetish, of 1.0. This is calculated by taking the day of the year. Today it is Day 254 and divide it by the number of times I have done it. Just now I finished up my 142nd masturbation session in 2012. That gives the average shown above. As you watch my progress into my addictive state, you will see that number rise. The more I do it, the higher it gets!
All my readers out there, wish me luck! I hope I can get to 1.0 on or before December 31, 2012. My goal is simple. To masturbate 365 times this year (cumming not required). I must say that the site is getting me well on my way to this pleasurable personal goal. Wish me luck!
Saturday, July 28, 2012
The game is over
Well, I set out to let thing go, to go all out and literally push my body to its limit on what it can do. I was at full steam last Wednesday, when I cam2cam on Skype with a guy that I have gotten to know fairly well. Well I jerked off for him several times, and I have to say after two times with him I was unable to actually cum for him. This was very embarrassing for me, because on the third occasion (on Wednesday) it looked like the same thing was going to happen again; keep in mind the last time I came was on Sunday, so you would think by Wednesday my body would be able to do it. After at least an hour of this, I was unsuccessful. I don't know if it was stage fright or what, but I simply could not do it no matter how hard I tried! I would understand this issue if it was the same day as me blowing my load, but it had been three days! Well finally, after about an hour and 15 mins, maybe, I did it for him, but we did not go at the same time as we had hoped. We have not chatted or spoken on cam since then, which leads me to believe he may have lost interest in me. *_*.
I can't say I'm surprised, this is what happens with internet friendships. I was friends with another guy, who seemed to be into the same things I was into, but he too has left me alone once he gotten to know me and realize that I am not his type. I must say this is for the best, even though it is disappointing. I'm very new to the gay scene, and so I need to find out who I am looking for in a guy and what I really want, and take things slow.
After Wednesday's disappointment, I decided to take a break, not even think about masturbation until my body reminded me about it. I was fine until just now. It's Saturday, so it had been another 2 and half days of nothing. I even did not force myself to cum, just took things easy, and sure enough after about 5 mins I came, looking at some very erotic scenes of three gays going after it in MX gear.
So where are we now? I will not push it anymore. This is exactly where I was before I decided to go after this around June 25-26th. So it has been just over a month, and that is all it took for me to realize that I do not need sex in life all the time, everyday. I need to learn my limits and learn that it is okay to not be addicted, and in fact living that way is not freedom at all, it is being enslaved to yourself. As usual, I should have just listened to my body and realize I need to stay at 46%. The problem is my mind wants to take everything to its extreme, where erotica lives. But the reality is 46% is my magic number. Basically what that means is I jerk off 46% of the time (days/sessions). I am now at 55%, if I masturbated everyday of the year, that would be 100%; more than everyday, like two times a day, would be 200%. I am just a 46% kind of guy and I just need to be cool with that. After all, I need to keep telling myself, it is quality, not quantity that counts.
I can't say I'm surprised, this is what happens with internet friendships. I was friends with another guy, who seemed to be into the same things I was into, but he too has left me alone once he gotten to know me and realize that I am not his type. I must say this is for the best, even though it is disappointing. I'm very new to the gay scene, and so I need to find out who I am looking for in a guy and what I really want, and take things slow.
After Wednesday's disappointment, I decided to take a break, not even think about masturbation until my body reminded me about it. I was fine until just now. It's Saturday, so it had been another 2 and half days of nothing. I even did not force myself to cum, just took things easy, and sure enough after about 5 mins I came, looking at some very erotic scenes of three gays going after it in MX gear.
So where are we now? I will not push it anymore. This is exactly where I was before I decided to go after this around June 25-26th. So it has been just over a month, and that is all it took for me to realize that I do not need sex in life all the time, everyday. I need to learn my limits and learn that it is okay to not be addicted, and in fact living that way is not freedom at all, it is being enslaved to yourself. As usual, I should have just listened to my body and realize I need to stay at 46%. The problem is my mind wants to take everything to its extreme, where erotica lives. But the reality is 46% is my magic number. Basically what that means is I jerk off 46% of the time (days/sessions). I am now at 55%, if I masturbated everyday of the year, that would be 100%; more than everyday, like two times a day, would be 200%. I am just a 46% kind of guy and I just need to be cool with that. After all, I need to keep telling myself, it is quality, not quantity that counts.
Sunday, July 15, 2012
Slowing Down (Second Try)
I told myself, in not too uncertain terms, that I would not be cajoled back into the daily routine of masturbation and porn addiction. I think the old adage, 'be careful what you wish for' is appropriate here. For two days, I told myself, I need to skip a day, not for moral reasons, but for health and my personal need for well balanced behavior. And for two days I failed. You would think this would be an occasion of happiness, I am addicted after all, yay! But it's not like that when you are in it. It hurts when you jack off and you have no spunk to offer in gratitude for the act. It's frustrating to discover that I have spent 3/4th of my day's valuable free time in front of my screen looking at porn and talking with others who care for nothing else but the same.
Despite the wonderful people (and prospects) I have found on line, which have all been great, I regret being in such a funk about it. Today I have determined to not masturbate, which so far as of 2 pm, I'm okay. I have hoped that is will be fine today because I have plenty to do outside of the house. I think that I just need some time away from it all, to get a better perspective at what I want. I need to accept that I am not 16 anymore and cannot, even if I wanted to, masturbate 5 times a day without it affecting me in anyway. I chat with others who do this, and I keep trying to compare myself to them and realize that I cannot keep up, at 36, and I am a bit too tired.
Even though it goes against the purposes of complete freedom, I know for my own sake, I need some guidelines and restrictions, or my involvement will spin more and more out of control. I can see this happening already. I am no longer just masturbating to porn, that is yesterday's news. Now I have graduated to the level of masturbating with others via cam or putting on a show for someone I cannot see, nor could verify his age, although I am fairly confident he was a 32 year old guy from TX. Still, it has been going a little too fast for my comfort and happiness, so I hope that as I carry on on this little experiment of mine, that I will learn that the greatest pleasure comes from those who know how to wait, and resist quantity over quality.
Despite the wonderful people (and prospects) I have found on line, which have all been great, I regret being in such a funk about it. Today I have determined to not masturbate, which so far as of 2 pm, I'm okay. I have hoped that is will be fine today because I have plenty to do outside of the house. I think that I just need some time away from it all, to get a better perspective at what I want. I need to accept that I am not 16 anymore and cannot, even if I wanted to, masturbate 5 times a day without it affecting me in anyway. I chat with others who do this, and I keep trying to compare myself to them and realize that I cannot keep up, at 36, and I am a bit too tired.
Even though it goes against the purposes of complete freedom, I know for my own sake, I need some guidelines and restrictions, or my involvement will spin more and more out of control. I can see this happening already. I am no longer just masturbating to porn, that is yesterday's news. Now I have graduated to the level of masturbating with others via cam or putting on a show for someone I cannot see, nor could verify his age, although I am fairly confident he was a 32 year old guy from TX. Still, it has been going a little too fast for my comfort and happiness, so I hope that as I carry on on this little experiment of mine, that I will learn that the greatest pleasure comes from those who know how to wait, and resist quantity over quality.
Sunday, July 8, 2012
Time to Start Slowing Down
I have just jerked off for the 102nd time in 2012. Yeah, I'm actually keeping track, have been since January 1. I know when I shoot a load, I always feel lousy afterwards, this is the case now. I am beginning to think that I am taking this too far, pushing the limit. I have remained true to the plan, I have heeded every desire, I have recorded every stroke, I have been on more masturbation websites, forums and blogs than I could ever want, and yet I see what addiction is. I am addicted at this point, I sit there quietly watching the Red Bud finals, then flip to the Weather Channel (that ought to keep my mind off of sex, right? No!) So I get onto my computer and start wanking to Xtube videos, all the while feeling incredibly empty and unfulfilled. This is the reality of what I am doing, that giving into my bodily beast, the pleasure seeking within does not ultimately satisfy anything, it is a mirage on the horizon. So I am going to try to hold back some, for my own sake and for the sake of my future orgasms. I have to convince my penis that quality beats quantity. Addiction only dulls the intensity of the pleasure, you get so much of it, it looses its appeal. My addiction fetish has to be squashed, it's just not as fun as I thought it would be.
I have some new gear coming in on Wednesday and some new shoes tomorrow. I hope that I can hold off until they get here and even then take it easy on the porn. I am training myself for bad habits, and I know that I will have to work hard to untrain myself when I realize that this way of living is not going to cut it in the long run. I just have to keep relearning the same old lessens again and again until I get it. I have been going hot and cold with the whole masturbation and porn thing for years. Sometimes, like now, doing everything to encourage it, when at other times feeling guilty for doing it, so I do everything to stop it. I get this self-righteous feeling when I say "never again", but that only last until my horny state demands my attention to my cock. I was tired of being on the merry-go-round. Tired of fighting, and yet I can so clearly see that if I go all the way with this, it is also hurting me, so no matter what I do I cannot be at peace about this. I suppose this is why people get married, so they do not have to fight this battle anymore, they just have sex with their wife. The problem is I am gay and that marriage thing is not going to fly for me. I have yet to find anyone I could spend the rest of my life with, so I just give into auto-erotica instead as the easy substitute to healthy intimate sexuality. So where does this lead me? I really don't know. I think the solution will not be simple. I hate that there has to be a solution, I just wish I could just be and not think about any of this anymore and when I have to urge to do it I just do it and shut up about it. I think that can be the only solution that is left to me now, which ironically is exactly where I was a month ago. I know that the thing that has caused all of this, the upswing in activity, was part of the very masturbation fetish experience I was attracted to, but its fake, it is not real, I have to keep saying that. So the solution really needs to be me not pressing the masturbation fetish issue so deeply and to try to stay away from porn.
The more I think about the more I realize that porn is toxic. It takes what is meant to be good, a sexual experience with another human, and just ruins it with the surface sexual desires and nothing else. Today in church I realized that that is what I have been doing, trying to light the dode flame, which is the flame of passion, erotica, lust, without the flames of true love, friendship and commitment. I hate how on Xtube you can't just watch your video in peace, you have to look at a thousand over sexual encounters in the video ad space, it makes me feel so dirty, I don't want to see naked men raping each other, its just not my thing and here I am watching the eye candy... I'm sorry for ranting like this, but I am just frustrated that I can't seem to be finding the thing I want. I will update you soon, as this thing progresses.
I have some new gear coming in on Wednesday and some new shoes tomorrow. I hope that I can hold off until they get here and even then take it easy on the porn. I am training myself for bad habits, and I know that I will have to work hard to untrain myself when I realize that this way of living is not going to cut it in the long run. I just have to keep relearning the same old lessens again and again until I get it. I have been going hot and cold with the whole masturbation and porn thing for years. Sometimes, like now, doing everything to encourage it, when at other times feeling guilty for doing it, so I do everything to stop it. I get this self-righteous feeling when I say "never again", but that only last until my horny state demands my attention to my cock. I was tired of being on the merry-go-round. Tired of fighting, and yet I can so clearly see that if I go all the way with this, it is also hurting me, so no matter what I do I cannot be at peace about this. I suppose this is why people get married, so they do not have to fight this battle anymore, they just have sex with their wife. The problem is I am gay and that marriage thing is not going to fly for me. I have yet to find anyone I could spend the rest of my life with, so I just give into auto-erotica instead as the easy substitute to healthy intimate sexuality. So where does this lead me? I really don't know. I think the solution will not be simple. I hate that there has to be a solution, I just wish I could just be and not think about any of this anymore and when I have to urge to do it I just do it and shut up about it. I think that can be the only solution that is left to me now, which ironically is exactly where I was a month ago. I know that the thing that has caused all of this, the upswing in activity, was part of the very masturbation fetish experience I was attracted to, but its fake, it is not real, I have to keep saying that. So the solution really needs to be me not pressing the masturbation fetish issue so deeply and to try to stay away from porn.
The more I think about the more I realize that porn is toxic. It takes what is meant to be good, a sexual experience with another human, and just ruins it with the surface sexual desires and nothing else. Today in church I realized that that is what I have been doing, trying to light the dode flame, which is the flame of passion, erotica, lust, without the flames of true love, friendship and commitment. I hate how on Xtube you can't just watch your video in peace, you have to look at a thousand over sexual encounters in the video ad space, it makes me feel so dirty, I don't want to see naked men raping each other, its just not my thing and here I am watching the eye candy... I'm sorry for ranting like this, but I am just frustrated that I can't seem to be finding the thing I want. I will update you soon, as this thing progresses.
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