Friday, August 6, 2010

No more Xtube!!!

Ok, so a lot has happen in the last few months. I have been meaning to add an entry to this blog for some time now, but have never gotten around to it. Where to begin. Today, or rather, this month has been interesting on the masturbation front, which in all reality is the reason I started this blog in the first place. I wanted a place where I can write down my thoughts in an anonymous format so I could process and reflect. I somehow got this idea while I was on this cruise, that I needed to play another masturbation game with myself. This was rather simple. Masturbate 31 times in 31 days, basically all of the month of August. Why on earth do I want to do this? Well the first reason was to see if I could, sort of a "challenge". I seem to have no doubt at all that it is possible. So far I have gone 5 times in the last 8 days, not a bad start huh? I started this game on the third! LOL.

So ok, I'm going to play this game. Well it seems only natural that in order for me to be able to build up the desire and need to masturbate once a day (usually cumming, as I have done not 15 minutes ago) that I need to get "horned up" Make myself horny. This is a fun process for sure. The issue I ran across when I got home was NetDog, my pron filter, which I added xtube to to block. I felt great about this at the time until I mistakenly made such an obscure password, which was intentional so I could not break it in moments of lust, that I cannot bypass it. Even if I try to remove it, it wont go off without the stupid pass. I have come to terms with myself that compared to some really hardcore pron out there that is made by porn stars, what I'm after is mild. I don't want to see naked women having sex or masturbating, I don't really care to see guys having sex either, to be honest. I know its hard core and not right to see. All I want to see is the 23 year old guy in soccer gear jerking off, is that so bad? Or a guy in basketball shorts, or two guys having dirt bike sex, okay I know that is going hard core there but I have to say it looked really good, I mean the gear, not the sex. I want to see other guys like me masturbating in their gear and hot sneakers.

The great thing about xtube is it is made up of armature videos, people like me, who are not out there to make money, just to show off their gear on camera. That is what I miss and there seems to be no way I can get that back. I went to Redtube (horrible porn site) and then to a smattering of others that seem to be more gay focused than gear focused. I finally settled on gaytube, looking at what came up under "basketball shorts, they only had three videos and none of them were really all that good.

I know these sentiments are a departure from where I have been on this issue in the past. I know I have always tried to seek a level of balance when it comes to masturbation and porn. But there are times when I just want to go back to xtube and see my old videos again. I guess the only real solution is just for me to go ahead and buy a new computer. But in the mean time I need to learn to live without this stuff. Thank goodness I still have access to gear fetish, the only real site out there for people who are into gear more than just guys.

There is something else too, something deeper that is lurking inside wanting to be born into words, into reality. I have doubts again about my path when it comes to masturbation on looking on line. I feel in so many ways I'm leading a double life or something. I am going to sponsor someone for baptism this Sunday and all I can think about it getting on line so I can get off. I regret that. Its this game you see. It was born out of a jet lagged mind in an airplane. I just thought of it out of the blue and then it became an reality. I don't want to stop, because then this game will end up like the rest, a wasted effort. I fail at all my masturbation plans, whether they are to stop or to start. Why is that? Why is it that I have no resolve? Is it that my body just can't do it? That I lack the stamina to do games and yet I cannot go forever not playing with myself.

So here is the hard part. I need to look again at limits. I know I can't add or delete what my porn blocker can block, I literally have no control over it. So this one is just going to have to come from my own desire to do what is right, to walk in Christ. No more explicit gay porn. Yeah that means no gay tube or any of that...err. So it will come down to only gearfetish.com or some gear fetish styled videos...many of which are on youtube, so maybe that will be it? Also, I really need to just cool it when it comes to masturbating. Yeah yeah I know the game will be spoiled, but I can take a day off and then masturbate twice the next day...so its not impossible to do it. But I think, one again, this is becoming bigger than I wanted it to be. It has become a consumption of my time. This is especially unhealthy for my walk with Christ. Where my penis is the main focus, not God. That is wrong, I know it. So....I will not give up, but I will not try as hard with this game...I hope this helps.

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