This is what Addiction is

Wow, I have changed a lot in the last few weeks. I think last time I mentioned that I'm no longer able to get onto xtube, which is really quite annoying since that is the only free website that has free videos of guys jacking in sports gear. I crave seeing rubberfirefighters "trail suck" again or something like it. I became a subscriber of gear fetish, which has really gotten me started since there is a lot of material on there, I could be on there all morning if I didn't have a life. But I want more, you see the pictures are not enough anymore. I want live action video and I want to see guys getting off, not just nice pics of their gear.

I have learned that I have a masturbation and addiction fetish, not to be confused with a fetish addiction. The addiction itself is the fetish. This is something I have not really broken out before, but it makes perfect sense. Reading about my love of "priapus" was all about the addiction, the "decent into masturbatory worship" the "giving into it" the Dave Mathews Band blog about the masturbation contest and seeing one of the participants, Adam, literally become addicted through his posts. So I run through the blog rolls since that is the only easy access I still have. There is plenty of content, trust me. So many blogs devoted to gay sex and masturbation, there must be at least 100 out there if not more.

I woke up today craving the blogs, wanting to jack off again. I have been consistent, doing it about 2-3 times daily now, since about a week ago. Last Sunday I did it 6 times! Yeah I get off, get hard, work it for a few minutes, and then stop, wait and start all over again. It's this addiction contest, who can get addicted the fastest, me or Mark Green. I checked in with my friend and he had gone 25 times only 10 days into August, I can't compete with that! Boy he really is so addicted, that is so hot!

I've seen so much porn today already, so much flesh. I thought I would have more self control, but I know I don't. Its so easy to give into the bate, to get deep into the bate and edge for hours. Even now my penis is reacting, getting larger in the excitement of maybe another session.

This is what addiction is. I can feel it now, I can see how other get into it. You just don't stop, you keep going, keep pursuing it, you keep getting deeper into the bate. But am I happy? The answer is no.

Doing this is obviously not what God wants, at least not to the point in which I have done it, the images I have seen. There is a blog however, for Christian masturbaters. I found it exciting at first that there are others out there just like me, others that have faith, that have a conscious, that are not totally depraved and given over to their sin. I will continue to seek comfort and guidance as I read that blog, a light in the darkness.

So far this month I'm at 27 times in 14 days. Looks pretty clear that I will make it 31 times. This is a new level of involvement. I'll be curious how far I allow myself to go. More later.