Two Years Later

I can't believe how time flies. It has been two years since I last used this blog, to be honest I kind of forgot about it. I moved on and began to use other resources, or even worse I simply carried on with my life with no efforts to record anything about my personal experiences growth or regression. I think this is actually a pretty bad thing to have happen. When I don't record what I'm doing and thinking I avoid personal growth and end up in the same place I was two years ago, and considering my track record, two years from now I will still be wresting with the same old struggles.

This is the picture as I know it, and I will say that there is a lot packed into this. I know that I have covered many--if not all-- of these topics in older posts, but I think for the sake of clarity and updating my position, I will once again go over this again.

Two years ago, I wanted to dive right into the pleasure, to get addicted, like my last post indicated. To throw all caution to the wind and engage into a journey of masturbatory pleasures. Even as I write these words my penis is rock hard and I'm masturbating. This is the desire, the dream, to get drunk on my penis and all it has to offer to me, to give into its desires and to continue to give it more and more, until I reach some new plane of bate bliss, until I goon. To be honest, I almost have to shoot off a load just to be able to think rationally about the problems with total surrender to my fetishes. I will do my best to think now, because I don't want to shoot just yet.

I re-read my last blog entry and I am amazing that two years ago I came to the realization of the condition I presently find myself in. Namely that, among my many other fetishes, I have a masturbation fetish and an addiction fetish. I have since come to realize that I also have something else, that is very disturbing, I have a blasphemy fetish too. This is when I get off seeing others masturbate as a result of losing their faith, or even darker, masturbating or having sex as part of some kind of satanic rite. You would be surprised how much of the later is on the net, although I have not really found anything on ex-christian.net of someone entering into masturbation as a result of them no longer being a Baptist. I think the desire there is the false idea that Christianity prohibits all forms of pleasures, especially when it comes to masturbation and fetishes, and so by walking away from your faith it is some kind of form of liberation from these perceived inhibitors to true sexual expression and indulgence. This is of course a fetish built on false ideas about Christianity, that somehow the two are no compatible. I have worked very hard over the past few years to come to the point where I think God can and does accept me as a masturbator, or--in other words--that masturbation in its purest form as an act is not a sin.

Nonetheless, I see faith, religion, rites/ rituals, even rules promoting and encouraging masturbation, or simply sexual indulgences as a huge turn on, in fact one of the strongest I have. I have no idea what makes one fetish stronger than the others or why I am a fetishist in the first place. I can say that my sexuality is evolving as time goes on. There is also a very strong addiction cycle too, which in and of itself is yet another turn on for me. The more you engage in masturbation and porn the better it gets. That is basically the principle. I find its true, you come to crave it more and more as time goes on. Take this morning, for instance, I was up at 5:15 AM, because I could not get thoughts out of my head relating to what I am writing down now. This is why I am adding a new entry today after two years of silence. It has built up in my mind, and I have to unload somewhere, no pun intended.

So where does all of this lead me? I am not sure exactly. The struggle, as I alluded to at the start of this entry, is where is the balance. Living on the balance is very hard. My body, my desires, my fetishes that feed my desires all shout the same commands again and again, JUST DO IT! Do it, and then do it some more, this IS what addiction is. Addiction has some promises, that the more you are addicted, the more you "need" it, the better it gets. I can't even objectively talk about this fetish without eliciting some kind of physical response, my penis awaking, getting excited. But I know I cannot go all the way with this. The same reason why I could not go all the way with one of my old desires, to wear diapers 24/7 and to loose potty training. Again this is an off shoot of the same concept, just a little different. The turn on is not addiction to masturbation, but loosing control, and the idea that a penis out of control, reliant on a diapers, is somehow more excitable and easier pleased. That was the fantasy, but the issue with life is we, or at least I, cannot live out a fantasy. There are so many roadblocks. The costs in time, money, lack of friends, lack of relationships, the hypocrisy of my faith, the list go on and on. There are consequences to my actions, no matter how much the fetish fantasy demands that I disregard these consequences. I have made choices in my life, that I want to abide by. I made a choice to be a Christian. And in so doing, I need to make GOD number one and not my penis or my own lusts. As much as I want all of this to be on one plain, they cannot be reconciled. To live out my addictive life of masturbatory bliss and worship of cock (my own and seeing others) would cause me to loose my faith. Jesus said we cannot serve to masters, either we would love one and hate the other, but we cannot love both. He used it in the context of money, but lust and self worship is about the same as well. This is the smell of sin, even if the specifics of these desires are not spelled out in the Bible, in my heart I know I want to go down a dangerous path that, maybe in a weird kind of way, has contributed to my new blasphemy fetish, that my desire is to loose control and the only thing stopping it IS my faith, so then the fetish that others have made that choice and choose their penises is the turn on, why would it not be, the penis won the battle and became the new god.

To be sure, there are a lot of blogs and even some websites that speak of cock as god that are essential sites of worship and devotion, and they claim that the reward of this devotion to cock is utter bliss. I can see this is the logic, the problem is, it is decidedly evil. I mean even if I am a liberal Christian, okay with masturbation, there are still limits, how can I on Sunday Morning take communion and call Jesus my God and then come home and say, "no its actually my penis, lets worship him and make it happy again..." It just does not work like that. I have to make a choice, and I know I have made this choice many times before, but I have to make it and say NO. I am going with the one true God, not the instrument of procreation and sex. God is part of that process, He invented it, but He wants us to worship him directly, not the thing he made to make us want to have sex.

So here we are again, life on the edge. Not in the edging practice, but on the edge of healthy recreation and obsessive worship and idolatry and lust. Religion is the great inhibitor here, if I was not a Christian, I wonder how far I would go into this, but then again the whole blasphemy fetish thing would loose its meaning and would not be a turn on, but a curiosity. I know I am rambling on, I did not set up an outline for this entry, I am only spilling out my thoughts onto a screen. In my heart, I know where I can go and where I cannot go. I just need to heed that little voice, the Holy Spirit, and realize I can't have it all, as much as I want it. There is more that needs to be said, and it will be covered, but for now I need to sign off. This has helped, I know writing it down always does.