Descent into Absolute Freedom

After I wrote yesterday's blog, I have to say I was left with an unsatisfied spirit. As if I had something still unresolved that I needed to address. Honestly, what it was was that I have explored my desires in a new way (through this blog) and they were fresh on my mind all morning. In fact, I wanted to try to find some way to write a second follow-up blog while at work, but I dismissed the idea as not appropriate.

So at around mid morning, I can't say exactly when, I decided something about all of this. I should just give in to the desires and not hold anything back. I think the biggest thing holding this tension, and honestly dissatisfaction, is fear. I have fear that somehow I am disappointing God by doing what I desire, but perfect love casts out all fear. We are to have a fear of the Lord, but I can't be living like this, constantly on the edge of knife, I have decided to take the path of least resistance and become a goon.

Now there are still consequences that I cannot control, limitations no matter what I have resolved for myself in my heart. Physically I can only do so much of this. Right now, you would think I would be hard as a rock again with this admission that it is okay to engage into whatever turns me on, but I am not. I unloaded last night on my Fox racing jersey (so hot!), so I am spent for the time being, but I know that by tonight or tomorrow at the latest, I will be ready again for some action. So physically I will be limited in how much of this I can do.

Secondly, it is time. I do not want to have to face the consequences of actually changing my involvement with church, friends, and other activities, i.e. yoga, for the sake of masturbation. Not only do I further isolate myself, I think it truly is unhealthy by anyone's standards. To allow one's life to so be fully consumed by masturbation is sad, unhealthy, and--yes--immoral.

Thirdly, it is money. I don't often think about money when I talk about masturbation, but it is actually a factor. Not only do a lot of sites now require you to pay for content, or pay for your membership, there is the factor of buying gear. One of the biggest turn rushes for me, that will always be there, is the excitement of masturbating in something new. I still have the desire to buy new shoes, get MX pants, maybe buy more diapers, the list goes on and on, but my bank account does not. So in the simplest terms, this too, is a limitation that is out of my control. I think the easiest way around this is to simply budget an account solely for this activity and not feel guilty for using the funds placed therein. That way I know I have the money (or do NOT have the money) to buy something new to play in.

Fourthly, it is my faith and morality, the great inhibitors to full pleasure and release, right? Well I am taking a different approach to this, a more yogic one where I just want to play for a bit, see where it takes me. I did something similar to this before, in the past, when I allowed myself full access to any kind of porn, without any moral guilt, for a week, then I journaled about the experience. It was interesting, what I found was at first I went bonkers and had a ball looking at everything and masturbating to porn, but rather than getting more and more into it and addicted, if you will, I found myself pulling away from it on my own, at the end. I had this odd confidence, knowing I had full access, but did not need it, it was just nice to have the freedom to choose what I wanted to see and how much of it.

I plan to make a plan in my Athletic Journal on the exact parameters of this new phase. I have done similar plans in the past that encourage masturbation, but in the end these plans do not succeed because so much of masturbation and getting horny has to do with my body's needs not some artificial structure that intends to train it into something it is not, that is unhealthy, it needs to run free, not forced masturbation, nor inhibited masturbation, just go at my own pace, my level. (The trick to increase pleasure, though, is learning how to not unload at every session, but allow the sessions to build my desires.) The difference now is that I will not feel guilty anymore if I happen upon something that turns me on and at the same time has questionable moral implications, at least for a undetermined time period, I am thinking about a month or so. My desires and my body will dictate what I look at and how often I will do it, although it would be fun to set up some personal challenges, i.e. the masturbation Olympics! I have done that before, and it was kinda fun to do.

As I mentioned, this phase will not go on forever, it will be reined in once more after my time period of absolute freedom has elapsed. In fact, I think that is what I will call this new plan, Absolute Freedom 2012. The goal is to do whatever my penis tells me to do, let it be boss of me, rather than I of it. Now that is making me hard now! Ha, just when I thought I could do no more, its time to roll again. But before I log off, I do want to underscore that this is TEMPORARILY! I do not want to turn my back on to God, I just want to see what it is like to go all the way for a bit, see what its like to give into the pleasure, then once I am there and see it for what it is, then I will determine how God is supreme in my new lifestyle. I will continue to pray for peace as I go through this process of opening up to myself. I have to say this realization is making me very happy, until next time happy gooning!