Life Decision

BR 0.64774

I have not masturbated for six days.  I cannot think of another time, except maybe when I was on vacation, when I have not done it for this long.  I am not on some plan of action to stop, or any major changes of heart on my past reflections on the pleasures and joys of masturbation.  No, what has happened is my life has figuratively turned upside down.  There is a strong possibility that I will be moving out of state.  The issue is my current employer is fighting to keep me where I am.  Part of me loathes the thought of moving, pulling up my roots, leaving friends, programs I'm involved with, everything to move to a strange city all for the glory of more money and more experience, to advance my career.

I think I would not be freaking out if I just knew that it was a sure thing, that I will definitely move and I need to start the moving process of packing, finding a new place, saying good buy to friends, but without that clarity of decision, I am left in an impossible position of waiting until Monday to find out what my employer is willing to do to keep me where I am and if that is enough for me to tell my future employer, "thanks, but no thanks."   This would screw them over, but in the end I need to do what is in my best interest.  So now it is just a painful, excruciating waiting game.  I want to drop clues to people that I may be gone in two weeks, but if I am not going, then it would all be pointless.  I already have told several people, mostly professional colleagues, that I am leaving, but this was all before I found out that my current employer is willing to fight for me.   It is the ever shifting equation that is making my decision impossible and the longer I am in this state of unclarity, the more difficult it is for me to cope.

It may turn out that the last Sunday I am at my church is the same Sunday I let people know I am leaving.  I know those of you out there who do not attend church may not think much of this, but as a single guy in a smaller town, the church for me has been my lifeblood.  It is my social group, I have some very good friends there and the fact that I would leave the same day I tell them I am leaving will make my leaving all the more painful for them, and for me too.  I guess this is what life is about, we have these period of uncertainty and indecision.

I have had others tell me that this is a great place to be, that I am being fought over means that I am the one who wins, I will better my situation as a result.  The problem lies in that fact of the professional realities of me staying where I am.  I am in a profession that seems to provide more advantages to those who seek out more advanced opportunities.  I know I am being cryptic here, but given the nature of this blog, I am not going to reveal who I am.  Just know that if I don't leave where I am and I am not taking on increasing responsibilities, then it would be detrimental for my career and the ability to seek out other employment in the future.  I am not saying that it would be the worst for me if I was to stay, just much, much harder to leave in the future if I do decide to remain here.  Nothing wrong with that, I would just need to decide if that is what I want to do with my life.  I live in a small town and if you read this blog, you know I am gay, so.... it seems that to be in a relationship with another guy, it would be better for me to be in a City where there would be less judgement on me for living out that lifestyle.  So the scales seems to be on the side of me moving, but....there are such strong forces that are wanting to keep me here, both internal and external.  The fact I have no place I can call home, if I was to stay, where I am would be my home, there would be no doubt about that anymore.

I want to ramble on, but feel I would be getting diminishing returns on doing that, I will be typing and typing in circles and I am not sure I would have any more clarity on my situation.  In fact I know I would not because everything hinges on what my current employer can do for me, how much money are we talking about here?  So there it is, I will post more when I know what I am doing and maybe then my life will return to normal, for now though I don't feel like bating at all, just too much on edge about everything, but I may do it anyway to take off the edge....while edging!  LOL  Laters....