BR. 0.7956
Well today is day three of my experiment with masturbation everyday without climax or orgasm. I have to say, so far it has gone very well, and I am enjoying this, the need to climax grows each day and with each session. Today, I masturbated more than I usually do, which is why my rate is rising. I think that my lack of climax has allowed me to delve a little deeper into my fetishes and really think more and more about them, as the desire to beat off is always there.
I have spent some time on bateworld today and that site has really encouraged me to get into this more, but I am increasingly finding myself on the the edge (no pun intended) of how far I can take this and still claim that I am a God fearing Christian. While I was getting off this afternoon, reading some of the blogs, I read that some of the most devoted addicted masturbators were once like me, men of faith, but they had abandoned their beliefs to devote themselves totally to cock worship, in that cock has become their new God and masturbation their worship of it. It makes sense, really, masturbation reaps its own immediate rewards, and there really is a pull or temptation to just give into it, as they promise so many pleasures from that, that it will be even better once I give in, and what I mean by give in, is to hold nothing back, not faith, not job, relationship, responsibilities, nothing. That all energies goes to worshipping my cock and in that I will goon out and become so happy in the process, or as I have read.
I know no one really responds to my posts, at least not directly, not for a long time, so I really can't poll people out there as to the real downside to this. I want to know the costs. I think I know them already, but wold love to talk to someone who has been down this road and can reflect objectively. Maybe such a person does not exist, I don't know. But I just can't fully jump into cock worship as much as I want to, not without still being a committed Christian. I just wish it wasn't one extreme or the other. the all or nothing approach. I mean, why does there have to be a choice at all? Why can't I be a Christian masturbator? What is hard, and this is a big one, is learning how to not make this into a false god, an idol. If I call myself a Christian, than there are certain limitations as to what I can do, and the big one is I can't call my cock a God, whether it suits me or not. That is just some false religion that formally religious people have made up to replace their former devotions, upon turning into their desires fully without inhibition. I suppose these people have no fear of hell, or simply have become complete atheists. There is no God, so masturbate up and have a good time! My problem is I don't believe that.
As I write these words, it is becoming clearer to me. That is one of the reasons I keep this blog, to flesh out my thoughts and feelings. But what is clearer now is that my belief system does have consequences, it is real, and there are limits, whether I like it or not. If this is for real, if there is a real God out there, then this not a game. God does not want his people to worship their dicks, I'm sorry, but I have to draw a line, as much as I wish I was on the other side of this, giving in totally to the addiction and cock devotion, as pleasurable as that sounds.
I know that there are forces out there fighting over my soul. My faith is on a shoe string, nothing like it was ten years ago when I called myself an evangelical Christian. To be honest, I find it hard to pray, hard to relate to God, I use the church as my crutch, to bolster my faith, but I am leaving myself open for attack, to be drawn into these ideas of full abandon. It goes back to one, if not the strongest, fetish I have, the one I really try to avoid, my blasphemy fetish. I find myself looking for yahoo grounds and places on line where there are ex-Christians who are addicted masturbators, living it up....I am somehow drawn to that, maybe because I secretly wish I was one of them, but I dare not enter into that, I dare not!
Why, you ask? I believe God is real and I believe there is a real place called hell, and if I do that, I will undoubtedly go there. Fear, in my case, is stronger than love, and that is so messed up. Christianity is all about love, and being in relationship with God, but is not the lack of relationship that bothers me, it is fear of hell, because I am lead to believe it is the worst of the worst, some horrible torturous place I would be trapped in for eternity. So I am lead to a cross roads, I have been here before, many times. Do I turn and forget about hell and focus on pleasure, making my outward faith a mere facade? I can't that is so wrong on so many levels, taking communion with an uncontrite heart is a sin. So you see I can't go there, my choice is plain, I must not make this a religious thing, I must thank God for the opportunity and do what I am going to do, but not make it apostasy.
Even if I was to deny Christ, live it up, the pleasure so intense, so wonderful, would it last? Would it save me at the time of death, or have simply been an empty idol, a false god. We are no immortal, sooner or later we will all meet our makers. I will post more (none of this changes my plan, just gives me pause).
Remaining conflicted, but trying to hold on, Adam.
----- Update -----
B.R. .8075
I failed. As soon as I was done writing this blog I did look for ex-Christian and cock worship and sure enough I ran across a Satanic Power blog (yeah, I really know how to pick em huh?) that talked about how we were to be our own Gods and that would give us an hard cock, and I masturbated to it and cam. What can I say, I failed, not only did I not abide by my own lenten promise to not cum unless is was a Sunday (today is Saturday), I also went onto to seeking out the very thing I was warning against earlier. What can I say? My flesh is weak, but He will make me strong, Lord have mercy on my poor soul. I am not pleased with myself, although the release felt sooooo good, that is sort of why I feel guilty, a true guilty pleasure. I wish I didn't have to be like this, i wish things could be different and this would be okay, but I see no way around this conflict, I just have to redirect this blasphemy fetish thing to somewhere healthy. I will pray about this.
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