Wow, I have changed a lot in the last few weeks. I think last time I mentioned that I'm no longer able to get onto xtube, which is really quite annoying since that is the only free website that has free videos of guys jacking in sports gear. I crave seeing rubberfirefighters "trail suck" again or something like it. I became a subscriber of gear fetish, which has really gotten me started since there is a lot of material on there, I could be on there all morning if I didn't have a life. But I want more, you see the pictures are not enough anymore. I want live action video and I want to see guys getting off, not just nice pics of their gear.
I have learned that I have a masturbation and addiction fetish, not to be confused with a fetish addiction. The addiction itself is the fetish. This is something I have not really broken out before, but it makes perfect sense. Reading about my love of "priapus" was all about the addiction, the "decent into masturbatory worship" the "giving into it" the Dave Mathews Band blog about the masturbation contest and seeing one of the participants, Adam, literally become addicted through his posts. So I run through the blog rolls since that is the only easy access I still have. There is plenty of content, trust me. So many blogs devoted to gay sex and masturbation, there must be at least 100 out there if not more.
I woke up today craving the blogs, wanting to jack off again. I have been consistent, doing it about 2-3 times daily now, since about a week ago. Last Sunday I did it 6 times! Yeah I get off, get hard, work it for a few minutes, and then stop, wait and start all over again. It's this addiction contest, who can get addicted the fastest, me or Mark Green. I checked in with my friend and he had gone 25 times only 10 days into August, I can't compete with that! Boy he really is so addicted, that is so hot!
I've seen so much porn today already, so much flesh. I thought I would have more self control, but I know I don't. Its so easy to give into the bate, to get deep into the bate and edge for hours. Even now my penis is reacting, getting larger in the excitement of maybe another session.
This is what addiction is. I can feel it now, I can see how other get into it. You just don't stop, you keep going, keep pursuing it, you keep getting deeper into the bate. But am I happy? The answer is no.
Doing this is obviously not what God wants, at least not to the point in which I have done it, the images I have seen. There is a blog however, for Christian masturbaters. I found it exciting at first that there are others out there just like me, others that have faith, that have a conscious, that are not totally depraved and given over to their sin. I will continue to seek comfort and guidance as I read that blog, a light in the darkness.
So far this month I'm at 27 times in 14 days. Looks pretty clear that I will make it 31 times. This is a new level of involvement. I'll be curious how far I allow myself to go. More later.
Saturday, August 14, 2010
Friday, August 6, 2010
No more Xtube!!!
Ok, so a lot has happen in the last few months. I have been meaning to add an entry to this blog for some time now, but have never gotten around to it. Where to begin. Today, or rather, this month has been interesting on the masturbation front, which in all reality is the reason I started this blog in the first place. I wanted a place where I can write down my thoughts in an anonymous format so I could process and reflect. I somehow got this idea while I was on this cruise, that I needed to play another masturbation game with myself. This was rather simple. Masturbate 31 times in 31 days, basically all of the month of August. Why on earth do I want to do this? Well the first reason was to see if I could, sort of a "challenge". I seem to have no doubt at all that it is possible. So far I have gone 5 times in the last 8 days, not a bad start huh? I started this game on the third! LOL.
So ok, I'm going to play this game. Well it seems only natural that in order for me to be able to build up the desire and need to masturbate once a day (usually cumming, as I have done not 15 minutes ago) that I need to get "horned up" Make myself horny. This is a fun process for sure. The issue I ran across when I got home was NetDog, my pron filter, which I added xtube to to block. I felt great about this at the time until I mistakenly made such an obscure password, which was intentional so I could not break it in moments of lust, that I cannot bypass it. Even if I try to remove it, it wont go off without the stupid pass. I have come to terms with myself that compared to some really hardcore pron out there that is made by porn stars, what I'm after is mild. I don't want to see naked women having sex or masturbating, I don't really care to see guys having sex either, to be honest. I know its hard core and not right to see. All I want to see is the 23 year old guy in soccer gear jerking off, is that so bad? Or a guy in basketball shorts, or two guys having dirt bike sex, okay I know that is going hard core there but I have to say it looked really good, I mean the gear, not the sex. I want to see other guys like me masturbating in their gear and hot sneakers.
The great thing about xtube is it is made up of armature videos, people like me, who are not out there to make money, just to show off their gear on camera. That is what I miss and there seems to be no way I can get that back. I went to Redtube (horrible porn site) and then to a smattering of others that seem to be more gay focused than gear focused. I finally settled on gaytube, looking at what came up under "basketball shorts, they only had three videos and none of them were really all that good.
I know these sentiments are a departure from where I have been on this issue in the past. I know I have always tried to seek a level of balance when it comes to masturbation and porn. But there are times when I just want to go back to xtube and see my old videos again. I guess the only real solution is just for me to go ahead and buy a new computer. But in the mean time I need to learn to live without this stuff. Thank goodness I still have access to gear fetish, the only real site out there for people who are into gear more than just guys.
There is something else too, something deeper that is lurking inside wanting to be born into words, into reality. I have doubts again about my path when it comes to masturbation on looking on line. I feel in so many ways I'm leading a double life or something. I am going to sponsor someone for baptism this Sunday and all I can think about it getting on line so I can get off. I regret that. Its this game you see. It was born out of a jet lagged mind in an airplane. I just thought of it out of the blue and then it became an reality. I don't want to stop, because then this game will end up like the rest, a wasted effort. I fail at all my masturbation plans, whether they are to stop or to start. Why is that? Why is it that I have no resolve? Is it that my body just can't do it? That I lack the stamina to do games and yet I cannot go forever not playing with myself.
So here is the hard part. I need to look again at limits. I know I can't add or delete what my porn blocker can block, I literally have no control over it. So this one is just going to have to come from my own desire to do what is right, to walk in Christ. No more explicit gay porn. Yeah that means no gay tube or any of that...err. So it will come down to only gearfetish.com or some gear fetish styled videos...many of which are on youtube, so maybe that will be it? Also, I really need to just cool it when it comes to masturbating. Yeah yeah I know the game will be spoiled, but I can take a day off and then masturbate twice the next day...so its not impossible to do it. But I think, one again, this is becoming bigger than I wanted it to be. It has become a consumption of my time. This is especially unhealthy for my walk with Christ. Where my penis is the main focus, not God. That is wrong, I know it. So....I will not give up, but I will not try as hard with this game...I hope this helps.
So ok, I'm going to play this game. Well it seems only natural that in order for me to be able to build up the desire and need to masturbate once a day (usually cumming, as I have done not 15 minutes ago) that I need to get "horned up" Make myself horny. This is a fun process for sure. The issue I ran across when I got home was NetDog, my pron filter, which I added xtube to to block. I felt great about this at the time until I mistakenly made such an obscure password, which was intentional so I could not break it in moments of lust, that I cannot bypass it. Even if I try to remove it, it wont go off without the stupid pass. I have come to terms with myself that compared to some really hardcore pron out there that is made by porn stars, what I'm after is mild. I don't want to see naked women having sex or masturbating, I don't really care to see guys having sex either, to be honest. I know its hard core and not right to see. All I want to see is the 23 year old guy in soccer gear jerking off, is that so bad? Or a guy in basketball shorts, or two guys having dirt bike sex, okay I know that is going hard core there but I have to say it looked really good, I mean the gear, not the sex. I want to see other guys like me masturbating in their gear and hot sneakers.
The great thing about xtube is it is made up of armature videos, people like me, who are not out there to make money, just to show off their gear on camera. That is what I miss and there seems to be no way I can get that back. I went to Redtube (horrible porn site) and then to a smattering of others that seem to be more gay focused than gear focused. I finally settled on gaytube, looking at what came up under "basketball shorts, they only had three videos and none of them were really all that good.
I know these sentiments are a departure from where I have been on this issue in the past. I know I have always tried to seek a level of balance when it comes to masturbation and porn. But there are times when I just want to go back to xtube and see my old videos again. I guess the only real solution is just for me to go ahead and buy a new computer. But in the mean time I need to learn to live without this stuff. Thank goodness I still have access to gear fetish, the only real site out there for people who are into gear more than just guys.
There is something else too, something deeper that is lurking inside wanting to be born into words, into reality. I have doubts again about my path when it comes to masturbation on looking on line. I feel in so many ways I'm leading a double life or something. I am going to sponsor someone for baptism this Sunday and all I can think about it getting on line so I can get off. I regret that. Its this game you see. It was born out of a jet lagged mind in an airplane. I just thought of it out of the blue and then it became an reality. I don't want to stop, because then this game will end up like the rest, a wasted effort. I fail at all my masturbation plans, whether they are to stop or to start. Why is that? Why is it that I have no resolve? Is it that my body just can't do it? That I lack the stamina to do games and yet I cannot go forever not playing with myself.
So here is the hard part. I need to look again at limits. I know I can't add or delete what my porn blocker can block, I literally have no control over it. So this one is just going to have to come from my own desire to do what is right, to walk in Christ. No more explicit gay porn. Yeah that means no gay tube or any of that...err. So it will come down to only gearfetish.com or some gear fetish styled videos...many of which are on youtube, so maybe that will be it? Also, I really need to just cool it when it comes to masturbating. Yeah yeah I know the game will be spoiled, but I can take a day off and then masturbate twice the next day...so its not impossible to do it. But I think, one again, this is becoming bigger than I wanted it to be. It has become a consumption of my time. This is especially unhealthy for my walk with Christ. Where my penis is the main focus, not God. That is wrong, I know it. So....I will not give up, but I will not try as hard with this game...I hope this helps.
Tuesday, May 25, 2010
My life now, a new direction
I know it has been a long time since I have added an entry to this on line journal. I think not having an old fashioned notebook to write in deters me and I forget that I have this great on-line resource. That having been said, I have needed to journal for a long time now as I leap frog from one crisis to the next, each of varying magnitudes.
Right now my main concern is the practice of my faith and transferring to a new faith community. This has not been an easy transition in the least. It has been emotionally hard to leave my current church for several reasons. Firstly, I fear coming back into contact with the people I would see or better stated, the people I know would know I have been gone. Trying to justify why, after 6 years in their church, that I would just leave. I have an answer ready for them, but I sort of fear the way they would receive it. The bigger concern is not really related to the people of my current church, but more my own personal walk right now. I pray that I am being obedient to Christ in my actions. That my change is not about me, but about where God wants me and where I need to serve him. I did receive something of a sign last Sunday that this is indeed the right choice. This may be some wacky coincidence, but the hymn tune Abbot's Leigh was literally stuck in my head, I had no idea why it got in there or where I heard it. I kept thinking it was just some carry over as I have been diving back into Anglican hymns, as this as been one of the principal driving forces behind my need to switch, the mode of worship is critical to me. Well anyways I had no idea what the hymn was, or its words or anything, but lo and behold at the Gospel reading, what hymn of literally at least 750 hymns out there that is played? Abbot's Leigh, the one that was in my head!
I am thinking that this is more than a coincidence. Could the Holy Spirit have put that tune in my head knowing I would hear it the next Sunday at church? This would be a magnificent sign that God is indeed wanting me to attend the Episcopal Church. I can see why this would be so, the community is so loving, there are opportunities to serve, the worship is so deep and meaningful, and the church does provide the means as really diving into scripture through the readings of the Daily Office. What am I not getting? Expository teaching and the contemporary worship. When I think about it that is all there is at my current church. The people are nice, but I do not have that same sense of community there because of the church's size. When I really think about it, the only thing that did keep me there was my working with the youth and a dear friend's Bible study and now that she attends Episcopal church along with another couple from the Sunday school, I see that the Holy Spirit is moving and working on people in that church. Maybe he has a plan for me there and needs me to be there to lead the sheep?
I am so glad I have made some time to write in this journal. I cannot under estimate its power to help me reflect and process, so much clearer and easier than my own muddled thoughts, which keep going over the same points endlessly. I will pray now to confirm the direction I think I have just now discovered. Obviously more on this will come!
Right now my main concern is the practice of my faith and transferring to a new faith community. This has not been an easy transition in the least. It has been emotionally hard to leave my current church for several reasons. Firstly, I fear coming back into contact with the people I would see or better stated, the people I know would know I have been gone. Trying to justify why, after 6 years in their church, that I would just leave. I have an answer ready for them, but I sort of fear the way they would receive it. The bigger concern is not really related to the people of my current church, but more my own personal walk right now. I pray that I am being obedient to Christ in my actions. That my change is not about me, but about where God wants me and where I need to serve him. I did receive something of a sign last Sunday that this is indeed the right choice. This may be some wacky coincidence, but the hymn tune Abbot's Leigh was literally stuck in my head, I had no idea why it got in there or where I heard it. I kept thinking it was just some carry over as I have been diving back into Anglican hymns, as this as been one of the principal driving forces behind my need to switch, the mode of worship is critical to me. Well anyways I had no idea what the hymn was, or its words or anything, but lo and behold at the Gospel reading, what hymn of literally at least 750 hymns out there that is played? Abbot's Leigh, the one that was in my head!
I am thinking that this is more than a coincidence. Could the Holy Spirit have put that tune in my head knowing I would hear it the next Sunday at church? This would be a magnificent sign that God is indeed wanting me to attend the Episcopal Church. I can see why this would be so, the community is so loving, there are opportunities to serve, the worship is so deep and meaningful, and the church does provide the means as really diving into scripture through the readings of the Daily Office. What am I not getting? Expository teaching and the contemporary worship. When I think about it that is all there is at my current church. The people are nice, but I do not have that same sense of community there because of the church's size. When I really think about it, the only thing that did keep me there was my working with the youth and a dear friend's Bible study and now that she attends Episcopal church along with another couple from the Sunday school, I see that the Holy Spirit is moving and working on people in that church. Maybe he has a plan for me there and needs me to be there to lead the sheep?
I am so glad I have made some time to write in this journal. I cannot under estimate its power to help me reflect and process, so much clearer and easier than my own muddled thoughts, which keep going over the same points endlessly. I will pray now to confirm the direction I think I have just now discovered. Obviously more on this will come!
Wednesday, December 30, 2009
A return to old ways
I think it can be safe to say that nothing that noteworthy has occurred to me since my last entry into this blog. This has changed within the last few days. I am deliberately avoiding my typical evening routine to get this out at last. So I am pretty much sure now that I am gay. The question really is what do I intend to do about it.
I will try to make this short as I'm hungry and I don't want to write out a book to get a simple thing across. I know I have a growing addiction to masturbation and with that on line pornography.. It came slow at first, but then I broke the password on my porn filter and I indulged, big time. I came twice yesterday, once just now and about two times before yesterday, I am counting 6 times in the last 5 days. That is a lot higher than normal for me.
There is clearly a problem here that I am constantly dealing with. I asked for forgiveness today, but God knows this was in the midst of the acts I have been committed to. The question is where do I go from here? How do I respond to this ceaseless attack? I have no will to pray or spend time in the Word, and I know this is a contributed to this behavior. When I am caught in the bate and read about others in the same state it is hard to resist the allure that it promises. What is killing me is I have been here before on more than one occasion. In fact you can say this is a carbon copy of where I was when I wrote the entry on Priapus. Yesterday was spend reading about a false religion and its evil. Today was all about Bateworld and the blogs of the countless slaves to penis pleasure. And me who follows along and comes and then in the aftermath once again I am left drained and useless. Why can't I see the lie before I enter in? Why must I keep after it again and again without any remorse?
I was doublely disappointed today when I learned that it is virtually impossible to get a net filter on the iPhone, which I have of course. It seem that technology has cornered me again leaving me no options but my own will to counter this. But that is the problem, I am trying to fight evil without a sword (the Word) without the breastplate of righteousness, or the helmet of truth. I need to take my faith to the next level, I have to. I am under attack here and I am not tapping into the resources that will help me. I wish I had more Christian friends that would just accept me for who I am and hold my accountable. No one comes to me with their issues, so it seems weird for me to go to them with mine.
Here is what I think I need to do for now:
1. Read "the Shack" finish it.
2. Download apps for scripture memory.
3. Read "You don't have to be Gay"
4. Pray Pray pray!
I will try to make this short as I'm hungry and I don't want to write out a book to get a simple thing across. I know I have a growing addiction to masturbation and with that on line pornography.. It came slow at first, but then I broke the password on my porn filter and I indulged, big time. I came twice yesterday, once just now and about two times before yesterday, I am counting 6 times in the last 5 days. That is a lot higher than normal for me.
There is clearly a problem here that I am constantly dealing with. I asked for forgiveness today, but God knows this was in the midst of the acts I have been committed to. The question is where do I go from here? How do I respond to this ceaseless attack? I have no will to pray or spend time in the Word, and I know this is a contributed to this behavior. When I am caught in the bate and read about others in the same state it is hard to resist the allure that it promises. What is killing me is I have been here before on more than one occasion. In fact you can say this is a carbon copy of where I was when I wrote the entry on Priapus. Yesterday was spend reading about a false religion and its evil. Today was all about Bateworld and the blogs of the countless slaves to penis pleasure. And me who follows along and comes and then in the aftermath once again I am left drained and useless. Why can't I see the lie before I enter in? Why must I keep after it again and again without any remorse?
I was doublely disappointed today when I learned that it is virtually impossible to get a net filter on the iPhone, which I have of course. It seem that technology has cornered me again leaving me no options but my own will to counter this. But that is the problem, I am trying to fight evil without a sword (the Word) without the breastplate of righteousness, or the helmet of truth. I need to take my faith to the next level, I have to. I am under attack here and I am not tapping into the resources that will help me. I wish I had more Christian friends that would just accept me for who I am and hold my accountable. No one comes to me with their issues, so it seems weird for me to go to them with mine.
Here is what I think I need to do for now:
1. Read "the Shack" finish it.
2. Download apps for scripture memory.
3. Read "You don't have to be Gay"
4. Pray Pray pray!
Sunday, October 4, 2009
Last Novemeber
Almost a year ago, over the Thanksgiving break, I went on a trip down to Louisiana to visit an old high school friend of mine. Well I won't bother to go into all the details of the ill fated trip other than the fact that the first night I was there I had my bag stolen. Apparently it was this senseless act of crime that has effectively driven a wedge in between myself and my friend.
Normally I try to just process these things on my own, but in particularity bad cases I like to get my thoughts down onto paper or cyber-space to help me think. The reason all of this is coming up now almost a year later is because yesterday I was finally able to contact my old friend. Up to that point, I had not heard a word from him despite several calls and texts. In the course of the first few weeks after this happened, I grew more concerned over the loss of my friendship than I did over the loss of some possessions.
So we talked and I guess the issue was my reaction; or better stated, my over-reaction to the loss of my bag. At the time is was a very dramatic experience for me because I had never had that much stuff stolen from me before. But it was not the stuff really, it was my car keys and also my camera. The car keys were the biggest issue, because I needed to be able to find a dealer that could make a new set, but the only one that could make one was closed until Monday.
I could go through all the aspects of what happened. Who said what when, etc. etc. But I don't really see the point in doing this. I know I did what I felt I needed to do while being as sensitive as possible to my friend's position in this. He was sick as well and that made matters worse. I know the whole weekend was consumed with me trying to figure out what I was going to do and in retrospect maybe I should not have called my parents the night it happened, but I was really in shock because I had not lost my car keys before. I needed someone to talk to that could be in a position to help me if this was to become a worse case scenario. Was that all that bad? In all, I really didn't do anything rash, save for maybe some of the off handed remarks I said while on the phone with my mom and he was in earshot. I regret that. I regret being nervous about it, but sometimes when I am in a tough spot that is the only emotion I have. Is that my fault that I felt a certain way?
So now here we are. I called him he told me that this is the reason he tried to cut me off. He also mentioned that a message I left regarding the insurance situation was also to blame. That somehow I acted inappropriately by calling regarding making a insurance claim on my bag and seeing if they made a claim on their broken car window so that they could be coupled together. I think this was simply a misunderstanding. Obviously, I didn't expect for them to make a claim on my bag without them knowing its contents, but somehow that is the message that was sent to them. Again, rather than calling me about this, he chose to believe what he wanted to without getting all the facts. There is only so much stuff you can leave on a phone message and maybe I should not have mentioned anything, other than for him to call me. Lesson learned.
I said I was sorry, in fact I have said I was sorry for everything at least three times to him now. I honestly could be asking for an apology from him on the way he has treated me through all of this. I know that getting something stolen is not a big deal to him, but that is no excuse for a complete lack of empathy or even understanding about what I was trying to deal with. He did not appreciate my position being in a place totally foreign to me, not having any transportation, etc. I know he helped at the time and I am grateful for that, but to then turn around and hold against me that being a bit stressed out was somehow an overreaction makes me cringe in anger. I wish he would try to see life from my shoes. It was an awkward situation for me and I hated that fact that I was forcing them to drive me places to help me because I needed help. I did thank them as well for this.
We are just different people in every possible way, and maybe in H.S. we stuck together because we didn't really have many other friends to rely on, but now that we are out of that environment and we have chosen different paths for our lives, it is obvious that we have a totally different way or approach at living life. I think now that if it wasn't for the robbery I think it would have been something else. This was bound to happen. He is upset because I am not like him. That is basically what this is all about. That I reacted in a way that he would not have reacted in and because I was upset about the thing, I am not longer worthy to be his friend.
So how I see this now is that the ball is in his court. I left one last text for him yesterday and that will be the end of it unless he decides to let this thing go and call me. My guess is he won't. He never said he forgave me although he said he doesn't hold a grudge. But that is no matter, the damage is done and I can tell he has no interest in me anymore. We didn't speak for nearly a year and he doesn't ask me a single question about what is going on in my life. Then he abruptly ends the call with and excuse to end it and doesn't call back. These should be the biggest signs of all that sadly the friendship has died.
All this having been said, I will not allow this experience to wash over me and become part of my past. Despite everything that went wrong that weekend I did learn some valuable life lessons that I intend to employ in the future.
(1) When bad things happen, try to remain calm and composed and realize that God is in control. My over-reaction is a legitimate claim. I should not have called my parents that night without knowing all the facts and what would end up happening. I certainly should have not said anything bad about New Orleans.
(2) Realize that stuff is not as important as people. I really failed at this lesson. Possessions can always be replaced, maybe with some extra effort, but in time they can be restored. Friendships on the other hand are irreplaceable. Yes it was a pain and it screwed up the weekend, but I still could have made more of an effort to enjoy New Orleans and try to relax a little even after everything went to hell.
So I know I need to work on some things, I hope that my long time friend realizes that I know I need to change and become a better friend to others. However, I have done everything I am going to do as far as me and him. Our future is in his hands now, I have made my peace with this no matter what the outcome is. I hope that he can do the same and seek to one day forgive me for my share of this in his heart.
---------------------------------------out-------------------------------------------
Normally I try to just process these things on my own, but in particularity bad cases I like to get my thoughts down onto paper or cyber-space to help me think. The reason all of this is coming up now almost a year later is because yesterday I was finally able to contact my old friend. Up to that point, I had not heard a word from him despite several calls and texts. In the course of the first few weeks after this happened, I grew more concerned over the loss of my friendship than I did over the loss of some possessions.
So we talked and I guess the issue was my reaction; or better stated, my over-reaction to the loss of my bag. At the time is was a very dramatic experience for me because I had never had that much stuff stolen from me before. But it was not the stuff really, it was my car keys and also my camera. The car keys were the biggest issue, because I needed to be able to find a dealer that could make a new set, but the only one that could make one was closed until Monday.
I could go through all the aspects of what happened. Who said what when, etc. etc. But I don't really see the point in doing this. I know I did what I felt I needed to do while being as sensitive as possible to my friend's position in this. He was sick as well and that made matters worse. I know the whole weekend was consumed with me trying to figure out what I was going to do and in retrospect maybe I should not have called my parents the night it happened, but I was really in shock because I had not lost my car keys before. I needed someone to talk to that could be in a position to help me if this was to become a worse case scenario. Was that all that bad? In all, I really didn't do anything rash, save for maybe some of the off handed remarks I said while on the phone with my mom and he was in earshot. I regret that. I regret being nervous about it, but sometimes when I am in a tough spot that is the only emotion I have. Is that my fault that I felt a certain way?
So now here we are. I called him he told me that this is the reason he tried to cut me off. He also mentioned that a message I left regarding the insurance situation was also to blame. That somehow I acted inappropriately by calling regarding making a insurance claim on my bag and seeing if they made a claim on their broken car window so that they could be coupled together. I think this was simply a misunderstanding. Obviously, I didn't expect for them to make a claim on my bag without them knowing its contents, but somehow that is the message that was sent to them. Again, rather than calling me about this, he chose to believe what he wanted to without getting all the facts. There is only so much stuff you can leave on a phone message and maybe I should not have mentioned anything, other than for him to call me. Lesson learned.
I said I was sorry, in fact I have said I was sorry for everything at least three times to him now. I honestly could be asking for an apology from him on the way he has treated me through all of this. I know that getting something stolen is not a big deal to him, but that is no excuse for a complete lack of empathy or even understanding about what I was trying to deal with. He did not appreciate my position being in a place totally foreign to me, not having any transportation, etc. I know he helped at the time and I am grateful for that, but to then turn around and hold against me that being a bit stressed out was somehow an overreaction makes me cringe in anger. I wish he would try to see life from my shoes. It was an awkward situation for me and I hated that fact that I was forcing them to drive me places to help me because I needed help. I did thank them as well for this.
We are just different people in every possible way, and maybe in H.S. we stuck together because we didn't really have many other friends to rely on, but now that we are out of that environment and we have chosen different paths for our lives, it is obvious that we have a totally different way or approach at living life. I think now that if it wasn't for the robbery I think it would have been something else. This was bound to happen. He is upset because I am not like him. That is basically what this is all about. That I reacted in a way that he would not have reacted in and because I was upset about the thing, I am not longer worthy to be his friend.
So how I see this now is that the ball is in his court. I left one last text for him yesterday and that will be the end of it unless he decides to let this thing go and call me. My guess is he won't. He never said he forgave me although he said he doesn't hold a grudge. But that is no matter, the damage is done and I can tell he has no interest in me anymore. We didn't speak for nearly a year and he doesn't ask me a single question about what is going on in my life. Then he abruptly ends the call with and excuse to end it and doesn't call back. These should be the biggest signs of all that sadly the friendship has died.
All this having been said, I will not allow this experience to wash over me and become part of my past. Despite everything that went wrong that weekend I did learn some valuable life lessons that I intend to employ in the future.
(1) When bad things happen, try to remain calm and composed and realize that God is in control. My over-reaction is a legitimate claim. I should not have called my parents that night without knowing all the facts and what would end up happening. I certainly should have not said anything bad about New Orleans.
(2) Realize that stuff is not as important as people. I really failed at this lesson. Possessions can always be replaced, maybe with some extra effort, but in time they can be restored. Friendships on the other hand are irreplaceable. Yes it was a pain and it screwed up the weekend, but I still could have made more of an effort to enjoy New Orleans and try to relax a little even after everything went to hell.
So I know I need to work on some things, I hope that my long time friend realizes that I know I need to change and become a better friend to others. However, I have done everything I am going to do as far as me and him. Our future is in his hands now, I have made my peace with this no matter what the outcome is. I hope that he can do the same and seek to one day forgive me for my share of this in his heart.
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Saturday, July 25, 2009
Update on the state of my life
I have just finished mowing the lawn, and I told myself that I would sit down and reflect on the present state of affairs in my life. I am sad to say that the list of concerns I had wanted to journal on have been over shadowed by my some old struggle on masturbation. I did not want to discuss this again today, but it seems to be a persistent issue that remains unstable and unresolved in my life. I am saddened when I re-read old entries. My last entry here was from about two and a half months ago when I was so sure of myself, so committed to having this "under control." At some point, and I forget when now as I no longer keep records on these matters, I decided once again that there simply can be no rules when it comes to masturbation. Why you ask? Well any rule I put in place will eventually be broken. It is only a matter of time. The rule of desire and temptation to indulge in what makes me feel good, on a temporary basis, is ingrained within my thinking, my habits, the very behavior of my life. It is a slippery slope, and once you are on it, it takes you where you are going to go. I said to myself, I will not have rules, but I will face whatever consequences I face as part of going too far overboard.
I think this is where I am now. I have broken no rules today, but I have been masturbating a lot more lately and these sessions have increasingly kept me in front of my computer. I have to go deeper and ask myself why do I feel its so necessary to give into these desires to masturbate to orgasm all of the time? I know there is a question of the reality of my own physiology and my need to release, but this is more than that now. I really had no need to do it after lunch, but I did have an opportunity to do it. I was alone, I had time, I had access to the computer, and I could make myself horny. All the ingredients where there to make it happen but I did not have to take that opportunity to do it. I need to focus on the feelings I have when I do it. I really think this is the only way. Its a matter of making the ill consequences worse so that I can remember what its like to be stuck in addiction and the guilt and worthlessness I get from this. I know that God plays a huge role in this, but God does not want me to enter into idolatry of the flesh, does he? No, certainly not. Therefore, I need to not only bathe this whole situation in a daily prayer of strength and protection, but I need to get this into muscle memory. Even if its a phrase, a Bible verse, a piece of a song, something that can stick with me, something that I can remember when I am steeped in my lusts. I wish I could think of it, maybe my own piece of wisdom such as are you in control of your flesh, or is it control of you? I hate to make another plan, another rule, even a simple one, because I know it will be broken. My desires are too strong. I can't even edge, I can't even play a masturbation game because I lack the self control, even if for pleasurable purposes.
So where does this leave me? This is the enduring questions that courses through these journal entries. I think firstly, I need to have that phrase on my computer somewhere where I can see it if I am here to look for porn, wanks blogs, or the like of those so decidedly depraved and beyond help working as inspiration for my own demise. Next, I need to remember that life without rules is not life without consequences. I know full well that the actions we take lead to future feelings and circumstances that I may not desire. This is true with porn on line. I can tell myself a thousand times that this time I will do it and not feel any guilt. That we have no rules now so anything goes, but nothing can dissolve the law of sin that leads to death. These people cannot be happy, they are polluted beyond any control of themselves and are addicted to themselves. That is real, that is a consequence. In the words of Kamalot "Every move we makes sets our destiny!" So true. I pray that I can learn moderation this upcoming month and that living without rules I can know how much I need to have before it destroys who I am.
I think this is where I am now. I have broken no rules today, but I have been masturbating a lot more lately and these sessions have increasingly kept me in front of my computer. I have to go deeper and ask myself why do I feel its so necessary to give into these desires to masturbate to orgasm all of the time? I know there is a question of the reality of my own physiology and my need to release, but this is more than that now. I really had no need to do it after lunch, but I did have an opportunity to do it. I was alone, I had time, I had access to the computer, and I could make myself horny. All the ingredients where there to make it happen but I did not have to take that opportunity to do it. I need to focus on the feelings I have when I do it. I really think this is the only way. Its a matter of making the ill consequences worse so that I can remember what its like to be stuck in addiction and the guilt and worthlessness I get from this. I know that God plays a huge role in this, but God does not want me to enter into idolatry of the flesh, does he? No, certainly not. Therefore, I need to not only bathe this whole situation in a daily prayer of strength and protection, but I need to get this into muscle memory. Even if its a phrase, a Bible verse, a piece of a song, something that can stick with me, something that I can remember when I am steeped in my lusts. I wish I could think of it, maybe my own piece of wisdom such as are you in control of your flesh, or is it control of you? I hate to make another plan, another rule, even a simple one, because I know it will be broken. My desires are too strong. I can't even edge, I can't even play a masturbation game because I lack the self control, even if for pleasurable purposes.
So where does this leave me? This is the enduring questions that courses through these journal entries. I think firstly, I need to have that phrase on my computer somewhere where I can see it if I am here to look for porn, wanks blogs, or the like of those so decidedly depraved and beyond help working as inspiration for my own demise. Next, I need to remember that life without rules is not life without consequences. I know full well that the actions we take lead to future feelings and circumstances that I may not desire. This is true with porn on line. I can tell myself a thousand times that this time I will do it and not feel any guilt. That we have no rules now so anything goes, but nothing can dissolve the law of sin that leads to death. These people cannot be happy, they are polluted beyond any control of themselves and are addicted to themselves. That is real, that is a consequence. In the words of Kamalot "Every move we makes sets our destiny!" So true. I pray that I can learn moderation this upcoming month and that living without rules I can know how much I need to have before it destroys who I am.
Sunday, May 10, 2009
Beyond Frustration
I honestly do not know what to do now and I don't have the patience to go on trying to stop what I know is bad for me. Help! Okay, I know it has been some time since my last journal entry so this is what is going on in my life at the moment.
I have been getting back into porn now. I was doing this edging game that basically makes you edge but not cum. I wanted to see if I could do this for the sake of a challenge and to train me not to cum every time I jerk off. Man I am so upset. I completely went off the deep end with this and have I think -60 points because I kept having orgasms. All I wanted to do was edge and I go all the way. So I made the choice to stop the game. To just throw in the towel and canceled it. That is fine, but I needed to do something else. I have to stop all this easy access to porn on-line. This is the thing that is hurting me, that is sinful. I know the game was pushing me to look at porn as an unintended consequence of me constantly masturbating. So I decided, okay, lets get some freedom from this once and for and and get a blocker. I had a great one before my computer crashed that did work! Pro Con, a Fire Fox add on. Well my computer crashed and I had to re-add it. Well, it never worked after that and all the bad stuff got through just fine and dandy. What was worse was I had to be all sneaky and hide the password, a really dumb thing to do when the site doesn't block anything! So I tried to uninstall it and re-add, well its STILL password protected, so then I decided to try to download a free one off the web, well I got it on and that doesn't block xtube either! I am so upset! If God wants me to be free of this stuff, why doesn't He make it easier for me to block it? Clearly I am not able to control myself in the heat of temptation, so its an impossible situation unless I was to basically not have any internet access anymore, which is crazy. My only other option I can think of is actually buying a blocker, which sucks, $10 a month because I can't control myself! This is ridiculous!
Anyways, I had to vent now and this is the way I like to do it. I know I haven't been keeping up with my blog, but really things have been okay until today. I hate this addiction to porn. I wonder if I have to re-enroll to Doors of Hope yet again and get a mentor to stop this. They will want me to not masturbate again, which is way too extreme in the other direction. I just need some balance! Maybe complete prohibition is the answer? But its sooooo incredibly difficult and draining. I know I can do all things through Christ, but what does he want for me anyways? Maybe I just need to rely on Him more and not some blocker, and that is why He is not allowing this to happen right now. He wants me to go to Him and try to find my will He has for me. If its 100% stoppage, then fine. I only pray that I can hear clearly what He wants and be able to follow through, knowing full well how weak my flesh is. I have to stop desiring the bad things as if that was something good. NO! It's not! Okay, I'll keep you posted on the next melt down.
Update:
A few hours later. Well I had to read this again once it was published and I was caught off guard by the fact that I had almost a nearly identical entry from last November, and then again in December and January. Then since January I have not discussed this subject. This is exactly why its so important to journal. I can see where I have been, its so easy to forget that even recently I have addressed these issues quite well, but have failed to follow through with the action steps and convictions. More clarity comes with perspective. Once I bring myself out of the frustrations of the day I see the larger picture.
So what am I seeing? I see that the devil has me on a lovely merry go round. I arrive with some really solid points and convictions, but in a short week I am back to my old ways. The law of Sin is written on my heart. I don't need a plan or a rule to tell me to go back on line and jerk off to stuff I know will turn me on and excite me. The devil is good at what he does, yes I can see it now. I have said this before even. I have always had a problem with implementation of my rules. That is why every plan I try has failed, that in a way is why I want a site blocker. It is something outside of myself that can prevent me from getting what I want. Its like asking a druggie to give up cocaine, while leaving a supply for him in the room to use at anytime. I know I can't cut it off, but I can certainly figure out a way to cut off the food that is feeding my lust, porn!
The devil wants me to get tired of this and go about with business as usual. He wants me to go down my list and try to be "productive" with the remains of this Sunday so that I can go about my affairs, fall into lust again and log right back onto xtube in three or fours days, right on time, like clockwork. Oh this fight is on now! For one of the first times in my life, I see what the problem is! It's not taking this seriously! Its me coming up with plans, but not taking them seriously in my day to day life. It's the fact that I am not vigilance every waking moment whether I am horny or not. You see by not being aware of what happens I can be so easily influenced and manipulated to ease right back to where I was. Sure I had small victories, but the enemies number one weapon on me is complacency. I think that is why I never thought again about the Manifesto. It had become a burden, a chore, something to say I have done so I could check it off my list and go about more "important" business. When I read that again this afternoon I saw that I had the answers! I had a way out, all figured out in a series of rules. And in a manner of speaking I all of my plans have failed at the same point, they failed at my lack of daily, even hourly vigilance.
There was a plan once that I used back in 2003 that was in a way relatively effective and I think the reason it was effective was a daily recitation of the rules that I HAD to do everyday no matter what. That is where this has to come to. A blocker is effective, but its a bad-aid that sooner or later will be breached, it does not effectively eliminate the desires in the first place. Okay, so where does this lead me now? (and I know I have asked this question before)
I will do my best, to follow these steps as close as I can.
(1) I will commit to write out a list of things I need to NOT do and recite them everyday no matter what. This will basically be the Manifesto recommendation I had in the revelation. The recommendations needs to be distilled in some VERY basic action steps that I can do and memorize.
(2) I will commit to read a new website I have found on "moral" masturbation. This is to see what other gems of wisdom there may be out there that can apply to me in my present cycle the devil has me on.
(3) I will commit on my honor to do #1 and #2 to the best of my ability.
I know I have done this before, I have made vows before God and my honor to "not do it anymore" and have broken these vows. All I am wanting now is a vow to do what I already said I would! To learn as much as I can and above all to STOP looking at xtube. I am pretty sure that if I EVER look at that site again I will do the service such as Safe Eyes and pay to get it off, its crazy but I am making an advanced decision at this point to NOT go onto that site or others like it. That includes seeing private parts on gear fetish.com.
Okay, that's it for now!
-----------------------------------------out-----------------------------------------
I have been getting back into porn now. I was doing this edging game that basically makes you edge but not cum. I wanted to see if I could do this for the sake of a challenge and to train me not to cum every time I jerk off. Man I am so upset. I completely went off the deep end with this and have I think -60 points because I kept having orgasms. All I wanted to do was edge and I go all the way. So I made the choice to stop the game. To just throw in the towel and canceled it. That is fine, but I needed to do something else. I have to stop all this easy access to porn on-line. This is the thing that is hurting me, that is sinful. I know the game was pushing me to look at porn as an unintended consequence of me constantly masturbating. So I decided, okay, lets get some freedom from this once and for and and get a blocker. I had a great one before my computer crashed that did work! Pro Con, a Fire Fox add on. Well my computer crashed and I had to re-add it. Well, it never worked after that and all the bad stuff got through just fine and dandy. What was worse was I had to be all sneaky and hide the password, a really dumb thing to do when the site doesn't block anything! So I tried to uninstall it and re-add, well its STILL password protected, so then I decided to try to download a free one off the web, well I got it on and that doesn't block xtube either! I am so upset! If God wants me to be free of this stuff, why doesn't He make it easier for me to block it? Clearly I am not able to control myself in the heat of temptation, so its an impossible situation unless I was to basically not have any internet access anymore, which is crazy. My only other option I can think of is actually buying a blocker, which sucks, $10 a month because I can't control myself! This is ridiculous!
Anyways, I had to vent now and this is the way I like to do it. I know I haven't been keeping up with my blog, but really things have been okay until today. I hate this addiction to porn. I wonder if I have to re-enroll to Doors of Hope yet again and get a mentor to stop this. They will want me to not masturbate again, which is way too extreme in the other direction. I just need some balance! Maybe complete prohibition is the answer? But its sooooo incredibly difficult and draining. I know I can do all things through Christ, but what does he want for me anyways? Maybe I just need to rely on Him more and not some blocker, and that is why He is not allowing this to happen right now. He wants me to go to Him and try to find my will He has for me. If its 100% stoppage, then fine. I only pray that I can hear clearly what He wants and be able to follow through, knowing full well how weak my flesh is. I have to stop desiring the bad things as if that was something good. NO! It's not! Okay, I'll keep you posted on the next melt down.
Update:
A few hours later. Well I had to read this again once it was published and I was caught off guard by the fact that I had almost a nearly identical entry from last November, and then again in December and January. Then since January I have not discussed this subject. This is exactly why its so important to journal. I can see where I have been, its so easy to forget that even recently I have addressed these issues quite well, but have failed to follow through with the action steps and convictions. More clarity comes with perspective. Once I bring myself out of the frustrations of the day I see the larger picture.
So what am I seeing? I see that the devil has me on a lovely merry go round. I arrive with some really solid points and convictions, but in a short week I am back to my old ways. The law of Sin is written on my heart. I don't need a plan or a rule to tell me to go back on line and jerk off to stuff I know will turn me on and excite me. The devil is good at what he does, yes I can see it now. I have said this before even. I have always had a problem with implementation of my rules. That is why every plan I try has failed, that in a way is why I want a site blocker. It is something outside of myself that can prevent me from getting what I want. Its like asking a druggie to give up cocaine, while leaving a supply for him in the room to use at anytime. I know I can't cut it off, but I can certainly figure out a way to cut off the food that is feeding my lust, porn!
The devil wants me to get tired of this and go about with business as usual. He wants me to go down my list and try to be "productive" with the remains of this Sunday so that I can go about my affairs, fall into lust again and log right back onto xtube in three or fours days, right on time, like clockwork. Oh this fight is on now! For one of the first times in my life, I see what the problem is! It's not taking this seriously! Its me coming up with plans, but not taking them seriously in my day to day life. It's the fact that I am not vigilance every waking moment whether I am horny or not. You see by not being aware of what happens I can be so easily influenced and manipulated to ease right back to where I was. Sure I had small victories, but the enemies number one weapon on me is complacency. I think that is why I never thought again about the Manifesto. It had become a burden, a chore, something to say I have done so I could check it off my list and go about more "important" business. When I read that again this afternoon I saw that I had the answers! I had a way out, all figured out in a series of rules. And in a manner of speaking I all of my plans have failed at the same point, they failed at my lack of daily, even hourly vigilance.
There was a plan once that I used back in 2003 that was in a way relatively effective and I think the reason it was effective was a daily recitation of the rules that I HAD to do everyday no matter what. That is where this has to come to. A blocker is effective, but its a bad-aid that sooner or later will be breached, it does not effectively eliminate the desires in the first place. Okay, so where does this lead me now? (and I know I have asked this question before)
I will do my best, to follow these steps as close as I can.
(1) I will commit to write out a list of things I need to NOT do and recite them everyday no matter what. This will basically be the Manifesto recommendation I had in the revelation. The recommendations needs to be distilled in some VERY basic action steps that I can do and memorize.
(2) I will commit to read a new website I have found on "moral" masturbation. This is to see what other gems of wisdom there may be out there that can apply to me in my present cycle the devil has me on.
(3) I will commit on my honor to do #1 and #2 to the best of my ability.
I know I have done this before, I have made vows before God and my honor to "not do it anymore" and have broken these vows. All I am wanting now is a vow to do what I already said I would! To learn as much as I can and above all to STOP looking at xtube. I am pretty sure that if I EVER look at that site again I will do the service such as Safe Eyes and pay to get it off, its crazy but I am making an advanced decision at this point to NOT go onto that site or others like it. That includes seeing private parts on gear fetish.com.
Okay, that's it for now!
-----------------------------------------out-----------------------------------------
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