Bate Rate: 0.4884
After thinking about yesterday's fun I asked myself a simple question, a question that now I realize has at last given me some clarity as to where I am sexually. Any reader of this blog knows that I am "trying to figure it out" and that basically means me reflecting on my beliefs and my personal convictions in a totally honest and heartfelt way. I have danced around the issue of my sexuality for a long time, going back and forth as to where I am. So going back to yesterday, I asked myself, if the voice on the hypnosis file had been a female, would I have had the reaction that I had? The answer is no. The file was done in such a way that it felt like the male voice was intimate, it was a very intimate expression, I felt close to this voice, like he was there with me, affirming me, encouraging me to experience pleasure as a form of my blissful stupidity (see my last post for details on this). That experience could not have been duplicated with a female - I got off on it more so because it was a guy, a guy speaking to me as a guy, wanting to be close to me, to be with me, to love me. I decided once and for all that I want to be with a guy, I am gay. I'm not asexual, bi, or anything in between, I am a gay man. This is a huge revelation for me, I have been trying to avoid the issue of my sexuality my whole life, always calling it something else, I'm not gay because I am not like them, I don't want to be effeminate, girly, etc. I don't want to be associated with the gay community and their perceived licentiousness. I wanted to be "normal" to be accepted and loved, but the more and more I am alone in this house with nothing but a cat to keep me company, the more I realize I cannot go on like this, living a charade for the rest of my life...no. I need to just do it and face the music, I need to just come out and get this over with.
I have resisted this for several reasons. I don't want to disappoint my mother, and my sister, who would not be in favor of me being gay. I don't want to bring some level of embarrassment to my family, now having two sons (my brother is gay) who are homosexuals. I don't want to loose my best friend who is not comfortable with me being gay. I know this would bring more strain on our friendship. I don't want to receive hate mail and loose my conservative Christian friends (of which I have many). I don't want to be singled out in this town as a gay man, who would not be accepted by the community I live in - I live in a very right wing, ultra-conservative, place. I know I need to do this, just deal with it and maybe move away to a place where there are more gay people I can meet, date, or whatever. It's just hard for me to move away, to pull up my roots, try to find some other job someplace, sell my house, etc. Is it worth it just to live somewhere that is more gay friendly? I don't know.
I know I don't want to just be part of this gay scene and go to gay bars and march in a the annual gay right parade, that is not my thing. I am a person who wants to fit in and be accepted. I know my church will be accepting of this, I'm Episcopal and they accept gay people unlike other churches, but I personally still have lingering questions about being gay and reconciling that with my faith as a Christian. How do I interpret Romans Chapter 1, for instance?
I feel though in my heart, that this is the right decision for me. How can God make me gay if it is a sin? I have a sin nature, I get that, but my attraction is to other guys, albeit a very narrow, specific type of guy, but nonetheless a youth, 20 something, athletic, slender, guy is who I want to be with. I can't help that, it's who I am, so is that a sin? I still need to work through this issue.
I will say though that I feel a weight has been listed off my shoulders now. I needed to just admit this, all the way, that this is who I am, a gay man and just deal with it. My next step is who do I reveal this to? My family, my rector? A another gay man I know? Do I just make a blanket announcement on Facebook and leave it at that? Do I tell no one and silently pursue a male relationship and reveal to those who are on a "need to know basis?" i.e. my family and close friends? There are so many questions, I know I am in a confused state over this, I don't want to come out of the closet, to admit this to others because I hate to bring attention to myself. Part of me wants to say that this is none of their business! I am only open now because anyone who reads this on line hopefully does not know my true identity. I want to blend in, I wear muted colors and earth tones, I like to blend in...it's kinda who I am, which, as you can see, is one of my main problems with the gay pride movement, I don't like to put myself out there like that - not my style AT ALL. But needless to say, even if I don't identity with the gay pride types, I am still gay, whether I like it or not, it is who I am.
So there it is, that's where I am at at the moment. I am debating e-mailing my sister about this, I think that will be my first step since I know she will be the one who has the biggest problem with this. But as my brother said, that is her issue not mine. I think I will email them both and then, in time, my parents.
Sunday, March 17, 2013
Saturday, March 16, 2013
Pleasurable Dumbness - Worth the Money!
Bate Rate: 0.4884
Well I've been naughty today and succumbed to a temptation to download a hypnosis file from warpmymind called Pleasurable Dumbness, I debated for sometime about whether or not to do it, it costs $10, but it was a great investment! The file really gets you down deeper than others I've tried and ultimately gets you to want to have a hard cock. (sorry for being vulgar, but you did click yes on sexual content when you opened this blog! :P ) Anyways, I jerked off three times today and this file is to blame. The orgasm on the last time was mind blowing as I was jerking off in my fleshjack as I was listening to it. I wrote in my log that this was the best one so far this year.... I think the file really hits on my deepest, darkest sexual desire.
I regret I don't have any profound things to reflect on other than the sheer pleasure of hedonism. It's hard to get away from, you know, your cock. I know I would have a very hard time giving this up. I also looked at how I was doing for my goal of 70%, one of the reasons I am opening up more now to masturbation is to meet this goal, right now at 48.8%; you can see that in my BR at the top.
Man I feel slow now, I think it was the file, hehe. Well that is about all I have to write, will revisit my path into masturbatory bliss in future posts. Until then, bate on!!
Oh, and if you are remotely into this "get dumb and feel good" fetish that I seem to have, I recommend the file, check it out!
Well I've been naughty today and succumbed to a temptation to download a hypnosis file from warpmymind called Pleasurable Dumbness, I debated for sometime about whether or not to do it, it costs $10, but it was a great investment! The file really gets you down deeper than others I've tried and ultimately gets you to want to have a hard cock. (sorry for being vulgar, but you did click yes on sexual content when you opened this blog! :P ) Anyways, I jerked off three times today and this file is to blame. The orgasm on the last time was mind blowing as I was jerking off in my fleshjack as I was listening to it. I wrote in my log that this was the best one so far this year.... I think the file really hits on my deepest, darkest sexual desire.
I regret I don't have any profound things to reflect on other than the sheer pleasure of hedonism. It's hard to get away from, you know, your cock. I know I would have a very hard time giving this up. I also looked at how I was doing for my goal of 70%, one of the reasons I am opening up more now to masturbation is to meet this goal, right now at 48.8%; you can see that in my BR at the top.
Man I feel slow now, I think it was the file, hehe. Well that is about all I have to write, will revisit my path into masturbatory bliss in future posts. Until then, bate on!!
Oh, and if you are remotely into this "get dumb and feel good" fetish that I seem to have, I recommend the file, check it out!
Sunday, February 24, 2013
Checking In
Bate Rate: 0.42958
So it has been awhile since I last blogged, I miss it, I need to blog more often. I found I need to just put it on my daily list of must get done things, as I had on my list for today! I've been so busy lately and it seems to show no signs of letting up!
Man, so where to start? My sex life, consisting of masturbation and solo sexual auto erotica, has been slow, to put it mildly. I think I find a sort of personal self-righteousness in not giving into my desires; this is in the footprints of Thomas Aquinas or even Epicurus, who said to obtain ultimate pleasure we need to refrain from it... interesting concept, but not sure if it is one I can aspire to. Sometimes my temptation is just to take the easy road, but I'm sad to report I am finding I have less and less sexual energy and drive now. I don't seem to have the desire to whack off, certainly not on a daily basis like I used to. Could this be a sign that I am past my sexual peak? I hope not, but fear that it is likely true, I'm not 16 anymore.
I'm also finding that I'm drawn to porn again, from time to time, because I like the idea of sexual arousal and fellatio between two youths over 18--not into pederasty, thank you! But I am a Christian too and in my heart I know seeing this pleasure between two guys in basketball shorts is a sin, as much as the images turn me on to orgasmic heights. At least I feel that seeking such content out is not right, well not right after I spill my seed. Fortunately, the temptation is not that great to go back, although I do think about it from time to time.
I know, too, that I have, in past entries, struggled about my personal sexuality. Am I gay, bi, asexual? None of the above? The more I am alone, the harder it seems for me to get out there and really explore my sexuality. I admit that there is fear still in me. I fear the reaction of me coming out in this small town I live in, I know I sound like some high school kid who can't be who he is, the problem with me is I don't want to know 100% who I am, I want to be in this space of gray, neither black or white, where it's safe. People can think I am gay and honestly I would not have a problem with that, since such thoughts would save me the trouble of having to be honest with them about who I like. Part of me feels this is intensely private, why should anyone really know who I prefer or what orientation I am?
I seem to be struggling and evolving in a world that is evolving around me. My church seems to be embracing more and more that homosexuality is acceptable. A group is starting up within my church that aims to be a safe place for gay lesbian bisexual and transgender people. They want to start a monthly "safe place" for those who are identified as GLBT to socialize and be who they are. Do I dare step out of my shell and join them as a "gay" person? For now, I am a very sympathetic supporter who is patiently waiting on the sidelines to see what is going to happen. I know that if I was to "come out" within my church community, I would be accepted. My family would be not be "happy" about it, but I don't think they would be shocked, I've had more than one person (well three people now) say that they thought I was gay, or could tell by how I carry myself, my personal mannerisms, that I am a gay man. I have to say that kind of bothers me, to be totally honest. I don't like the stereotype of a gay man, I don't like to be perceived as effeminate. So what? I like to have a nice house with nice things, decorated if you will, but does that make me some women-man? Less of a man? I am into sports gear, motocross, that is very masculine, right? At least I think it is. I think I will leave it at that, but I will say one more thing, this is a very significant roadblock for me to admit to anyone (who is straight that I don't know from on line) that I am gay.
The second big factor is my best friend, who is a very kind man, but one who firmly feels that homosexuality is a sin. I value his opinion and I think it would be so hard for me to face him to admit that I am going to be gay and live a gay lifestyle. He said he would still support me, but I can tell that it would put a serious strain on our relationship. I know that my goal is not to be a people pleaser, but part of me does not want to be hated, to be scorned. I know how hard it can be to be openly gay while in a small conservative town. Sure, if I was out in HS, and I had the courage, support and opportunity to let everyone around me know who I was and if I had not built this life that I find myself in, it would be easier. But I did not live that life, I did not accept this side of me for many, many years; and now I am stuck in the residue of what I have built, a perception of a straight single man who just seems to not be married. Is this who I am destined to be? Can I live like this for the rest of my life? To be alone? It helps that I am an introverts I don't mind having hours and hours alone, to do my own thing, but even introverts get lonely from time to time.
I would add one more complication to my sex life, or lack thereof. That is, I find myself not attracted to 90% of the men out there. There is a sliver, a 10% sliver, of youthful, slim, hairless guys into sports gear that I would not mind messing around with. Those are the ones with potential, but what on earth do I do with that? My only solution seems to live a double life one where I troll the internet for fleeting relationships that will ultimately break your heart (because they are not real). It's not like there are gay clubs where I live and even if there were, I doubt I would go to any--not while I am still confused and closeted. The problem is my type seems to only be found over the internet, and I don't see myself moving to who knows where for some guy I meet over the internet. So far in my dealings with the internet I have found dead ends and disappointments. So, once more, there are more stumbling blocks.
I can satisfy myself asexually. I am first and foremost a fetishist. I own the gear I have what I need, and I can afford to get more. But that is not a relationship, it is stuff. I still get lonely at nights. Sure, I have a community of people I associate with on the outside, who know that mask I present to the world, but not that many people know me for who I am deep down in terms of the dark recesses of the enigma of my sexuality,
Whoa, that was a really long post! I guess I have a lot on my chest to get off! I know that in the next year I will have to make some hard choices, I just pray that they will be the right ones. Yoga helps... a lot.
So it has been awhile since I last blogged, I miss it, I need to blog more often. I found I need to just put it on my daily list of must get done things, as I had on my list for today! I've been so busy lately and it seems to show no signs of letting up!
Man, so where to start? My sex life, consisting of masturbation and solo sexual auto erotica, has been slow, to put it mildly. I think I find a sort of personal self-righteousness in not giving into my desires; this is in the footprints of Thomas Aquinas or even Epicurus, who said to obtain ultimate pleasure we need to refrain from it... interesting concept, but not sure if it is one I can aspire to. Sometimes my temptation is just to take the easy road, but I'm sad to report I am finding I have less and less sexual energy and drive now. I don't seem to have the desire to whack off, certainly not on a daily basis like I used to. Could this be a sign that I am past my sexual peak? I hope not, but fear that it is likely true, I'm not 16 anymore.
I'm also finding that I'm drawn to porn again, from time to time, because I like the idea of sexual arousal and fellatio between two youths over 18--not into pederasty, thank you! But I am a Christian too and in my heart I know seeing this pleasure between two guys in basketball shorts is a sin, as much as the images turn me on to orgasmic heights. At least I feel that seeking such content out is not right, well not right after I spill my seed. Fortunately, the temptation is not that great to go back, although I do think about it from time to time.
I know, too, that I have, in past entries, struggled about my personal sexuality. Am I gay, bi, asexual? None of the above? The more I am alone, the harder it seems for me to get out there and really explore my sexuality. I admit that there is fear still in me. I fear the reaction of me coming out in this small town I live in, I know I sound like some high school kid who can't be who he is, the problem with me is I don't want to know 100% who I am, I want to be in this space of gray, neither black or white, where it's safe. People can think I am gay and honestly I would not have a problem with that, since such thoughts would save me the trouble of having to be honest with them about who I like. Part of me feels this is intensely private, why should anyone really know who I prefer or what orientation I am?
I seem to be struggling and evolving in a world that is evolving around me. My church seems to be embracing more and more that homosexuality is acceptable. A group is starting up within my church that aims to be a safe place for gay lesbian bisexual and transgender people. They want to start a monthly "safe place" for those who are identified as GLBT to socialize and be who they are. Do I dare step out of my shell and join them as a "gay" person? For now, I am a very sympathetic supporter who is patiently waiting on the sidelines to see what is going to happen. I know that if I was to "come out" within my church community, I would be accepted. My family would be not be "happy" about it, but I don't think they would be shocked, I've had more than one person (well three people now) say that they thought I was gay, or could tell by how I carry myself, my personal mannerisms, that I am a gay man. I have to say that kind of bothers me, to be totally honest. I don't like the stereotype of a gay man, I don't like to be perceived as effeminate. So what? I like to have a nice house with nice things, decorated if you will, but does that make me some women-man? Less of a man? I am into sports gear, motocross, that is very masculine, right? At least I think it is. I think I will leave it at that, but I will say one more thing, this is a very significant roadblock for me to admit to anyone (who is straight that I don't know from on line) that I am gay.
The second big factor is my best friend, who is a very kind man, but one who firmly feels that homosexuality is a sin. I value his opinion and I think it would be so hard for me to face him to admit that I am going to be gay and live a gay lifestyle. He said he would still support me, but I can tell that it would put a serious strain on our relationship. I know that my goal is not to be a people pleaser, but part of me does not want to be hated, to be scorned. I know how hard it can be to be openly gay while in a small conservative town. Sure, if I was out in HS, and I had the courage, support and opportunity to let everyone around me know who I was and if I had not built this life that I find myself in, it would be easier. But I did not live that life, I did not accept this side of me for many, many years; and now I am stuck in the residue of what I have built, a perception of a straight single man who just seems to not be married. Is this who I am destined to be? Can I live like this for the rest of my life? To be alone? It helps that I am an introverts I don't mind having hours and hours alone, to do my own thing, but even introverts get lonely from time to time.
I would add one more complication to my sex life, or lack thereof. That is, I find myself not attracted to 90% of the men out there. There is a sliver, a 10% sliver, of youthful, slim, hairless guys into sports gear that I would not mind messing around with. Those are the ones with potential, but what on earth do I do with that? My only solution seems to live a double life one where I troll the internet for fleeting relationships that will ultimately break your heart (because they are not real). It's not like there are gay clubs where I live and even if there were, I doubt I would go to any--not while I am still confused and closeted. The problem is my type seems to only be found over the internet, and I don't see myself moving to who knows where for some guy I meet over the internet. So far in my dealings with the internet I have found dead ends and disappointments. So, once more, there are more stumbling blocks.
I can satisfy myself asexually. I am first and foremost a fetishist. I own the gear I have what I need, and I can afford to get more. But that is not a relationship, it is stuff. I still get lonely at nights. Sure, I have a community of people I associate with on the outside, who know that mask I present to the world, but not that many people know me for who I am deep down in terms of the dark recesses of the enigma of my sexuality,
Whoa, that was a really long post! I guess I have a lot on my chest to get off! I know that in the next year I will have to make some hard choices, I just pray that they will be the right ones. Yoga helps... a lot.
Sunday, December 30, 2012
The End of the Year, How did I do?
Bate Rate: 0.59095
So here we are, December 30th, 2012. It is 1 o'clock in the afternoon. So literally 35 hours left in the year now. Wow, and what a year too! So as you can see from above I did NOT meet my goal. The tally is 216 sessions in 365 days, but this was a leap year, so.... in theory I could go tomorrow and add another, but I honestly don't think that's going to happen. Getting to 1.0 was a silly dream, now I know that there are others out there that do it and in fact do more than that! But I am not one of those addicted bator types, despite what all of you may think of me based off of my past blog posts. You see, I like to make myself "think" I am one of those people, as thinking I am somehow adds to my pleasure. But that is the difference between fantasy and reality.
I should also share with you all that I have added some more constraints to my masturbation sessions. I am hesitant to really share this because I know people do really read this blog (much to my surprise, I guess everything on the net is read if it's written). But I will say that I use some weather related data as an environmental factor to govern, if I will, if I do will not. (On a side note, weather watching is one of my hobbies.) I know, if I am pro masturbation why would I do this? Just go when I have the urge, right? Well I have found that I do need some kind of system of limitations that is outside of myself. For one it makes the sessions more meaningful to me to know that is is something that I can do within the confines of an external system (I know I'm sounding very nerdy, but I'm nerdy about some things, I get this from my dad!). Anyways, I have enjoyed this secondary system to the game that has been in place since around 12/20, so I am on day 10 of that. So far it has gone very well, and I plan to implement it for the foreseeable future, makes meeting my goals all the more challenging and interesting.
I am not really all that disappointed for loosing the game, I am really happy to have the data, to be honest. How many sessions, etc. It tells me if I am masturbating too much, or not enough! I guess now I have to ask you all, what should my "batting" average be for 2013? Again, the rule is if you divide the sessions by days of the year. 365 sessions / 365 days = 1.0 batting average. That's it. I got 59.095% Should I aim for 70% next year? Keep it down to 50%, email me or comment on this post, my email is littleben176@yahoo.com
I do want to say one more thing...a while ago I had an entry I called "Bate World" regarding a certain website for masturbators. I have had two comments, you can see them for yourself, on that post. If you want to meet me on that site, please feel free to do so, my screen name is MXbator. Since I am in to motorcross, you all know why if you read this blog, lol.
Okay, that's it for now, not really depressed or anything today so I don't have much to ponder or complain about, I hope everyone has a happy New Year! Remember, let me know what you want me to do! Who knows, I might just go for it! Bate on in 2013!
So here we are, December 30th, 2012. It is 1 o'clock in the afternoon. So literally 35 hours left in the year now. Wow, and what a year too! So as you can see from above I did NOT meet my goal. The tally is 216 sessions in 365 days, but this was a leap year, so.... in theory I could go tomorrow and add another, but I honestly don't think that's going to happen. Getting to 1.0 was a silly dream, now I know that there are others out there that do it and in fact do more than that! But I am not one of those addicted bator types, despite what all of you may think of me based off of my past blog posts. You see, I like to make myself "think" I am one of those people, as thinking I am somehow adds to my pleasure. But that is the difference between fantasy and reality.
I should also share with you all that I have added some more constraints to my masturbation sessions. I am hesitant to really share this because I know people do really read this blog (much to my surprise, I guess everything on the net is read if it's written). But I will say that I use some weather related data as an environmental factor to govern, if I will, if I do will not. (On a side note, weather watching is one of my hobbies.) I know, if I am pro masturbation why would I do this? Just go when I have the urge, right? Well I have found that I do need some kind of system of limitations that is outside of myself. For one it makes the sessions more meaningful to me to know that is is something that I can do within the confines of an external system (I know I'm sounding very nerdy, but I'm nerdy about some things, I get this from my dad!). Anyways, I have enjoyed this secondary system to the game that has been in place since around 12/20, so I am on day 10 of that. So far it has gone very well, and I plan to implement it for the foreseeable future, makes meeting my goals all the more challenging and interesting.
I am not really all that disappointed for loosing the game, I am really happy to have the data, to be honest. How many sessions, etc. It tells me if I am masturbating too much, or not enough! I guess now I have to ask you all, what should my "batting" average be for 2013? Again, the rule is if you divide the sessions by days of the year. 365 sessions / 365 days = 1.0 batting average. That's it. I got 59.095% Should I aim for 70% next year? Keep it down to 50%, email me or comment on this post, my email is littleben176@yahoo.com
I do want to say one more thing...a while ago I had an entry I called "Bate World" regarding a certain website for masturbators. I have had two comments, you can see them for yourself, on that post. If you want to meet me on that site, please feel free to do so, my screen name is MXbator. Since I am in to motorcross, you all know why if you read this blog, lol.
Okay, that's it for now, not really depressed or anything today so I don't have much to ponder or complain about, I hope everyone has a happy New Year! Remember, let me know what you want me to do! Who knows, I might just go for it! Bate on in 2013!
Sunday, November 18, 2012
Back to Reality, a Time to Rethink my Sexuality
Bate Rate: 0.61497
I have had a very interesting last few days. I must say that my trip to Colorado was not exactly as I anticipated in terms of the various interactions that I've had with some of my old fraternity brothers. I decided to come clean with one friend of mine and tell him everything, short of the existence of this blog. This blog, as far as I can help it, will remain private. No one who reads this will know who I am in real life. Before I get into the discussion I had with my first buddy, I happened to--in a round about way without actually intending it--to cover the same issue (without going into detail) with another brother from the fraternity, the guy who took me to the airport.
So brother # 1 (the first guy) was actually very supportive and just wanted to know what this was all about, what were my fetishes, where did I go on line. I told him everything, the AB/DL stuff, and everything about my sports gear fetish side. I must say that just coming clean with him, all the way, was such a relief. Someone who is not part of my secret life knows the truth. It was somewhat of a fire hose experience for him, a lot of information in a short period of time. He knew I was sexually confused from earlier conversations and confession, however, I'm sure he is still processing what I told him. Nonetheless, he was able to offer me some good advice, advice that somewhat conflicts with the advice I got from brother #2 (the second guy I talked to).
Brother #1 said that I should try to find images or videos of guys who are wearing the gear I'm into, but who are also doing it with members of the opposite sex. So basically guys who are getting laid by girls, but the guys happen to be geared out. This, as he saw it, was some kind of compromise, it allows you to be "heterosexual" and be a gear fetishist, and not go 100% gay. As I have stated before in this blog, my feelings are that I lean gay on the spectrum, but I concede that I am not 100% there, but could easily go down that road if I so choose. Since I'm a fetishist, I have some choice in the matter, that is if I can learn how to get off on a guy who is having sex with a girl, the guy wearing sports gear is the bridge between my fetish and the correct, conventional course, of a man and a women in love, presumably in a marriage. If this approach is successful, maybe I can find a special partner who can indulge me in this fetish. This approach I will call the moderate approach, it allows me to keep my fetishes, but aims to re-direct them to a different target that can possibly lead to love that is not based on guys in gear, but a women and what she can do to (or for) a guy.
Brother #2 took a more extreme course. Now in all fairness to him, he did not receive as much detail. All he knows is I am a fetishist and I am sexually confused, did not point blank come out to him that I think I am gay or bi-sexual, but implied it by what I said to him. How he sees this, all fetishes are learned. When a guy (or maybe a girl) masturbates and they focus their attention on an object, that object, given enough time, will become sexually charged and relevant for future arousal. Therefore, as the argument goes, it can be re-directed, like training rose to grow up a trellis. He said that sexually is either "sexually frustrated" when you take out your confused sexual urges on objects, or a form of power over the person or object, or it is based on "beauty", I forget the exact term he used for the latter. His general argument is that it all comes down to the brain as the central sexual organ. If thoughts, and to some extent even images, are changed while masturbating, the desire will gradually shift. With work, the objects causing sexual arousal would hold less meaning, and in extreme cases the objects themselves would need to be disposed of in order to allow for recovery and prevent remission back into the old familiar desires and re-enforcement thereof. By focusing on beauty (of a women) and making this an intimacy thing, not a fetish thing, the desires will shift in time.
I wish I had more time to truly unpack this. Firstly, I had no opportunity to reflect on what he said and to come back with my own theories. Secondly, the advise is coming from someone who holds (loosely) Roman Catholic theology on sexual deviance and even a prohibition of masturbation. He was a contributing factor to the many years I fought and fought to eliminate masturbation, as it was a "sin" and was not how God intended his creatures to sexually express themselves, that sex is only permissible within the institution of marriage. I do not proscribe to this strict interpretation and I must say that Brother #2 does not fully either, but he comes from this line of thinking. Thirdly, Brother #2 is not a trained sexual psychologist, but rather was a philosophy major who turned into an attorney. He is applying his knowledge and simply hoping that is works, like giving up smoking. The cold turkey concept. I am sure, if given an opportunity, he would refine his advice, especially if he knew the specifics of my sexual story line, but in my heart of hearts, I am convinced he would not alter his advice remarkably. I asked for specific application for what I do on Day 1, when I want to masturbate, and he told me, rather meekly I may add, to think of a girl that I like and had excited me, that she would accept me for who I am, in a easy going flirtatious manner, like that was all it took to turn me. I fear that to change me would take much more than that!
As I have read up on fetishism, I have come across a general consensus that it is "normal" variant of sexuality. I think where the issue comes into play is if the addiction becomes compulsive and chronic in the sense that is harms the individual or prevents him or her from intimacy or even basic social needs and interactions. In these cases, they are sexually frustrated because their fetish is never enough to satisfy the need and urges they have, thus perpetuating an addiction state. These cases need treatment.
As much as I care for brother #2, I will proceed with brother #1's advice. I don't think I have the will power or even the desire to turn completely away from my many fetishes, they have become so much a part of who I am since I was 15 years old, I'm now in my mid 30's. I will admit though, that I think my fetishes are conditioned on exposure. I will make attempts, even though I have no desire to, to masturbate to women or, at minimum, guys who are geared up with women, no more gay porn. I could feel myself turning slowly away from my disgust of anal sex from the volume of it that I was seeing on gay porn, fetish based, websites. This concerns me because I do see that is crossing a line, delving even deeper into the dark world of fetishism and homo eroticism.
My plan (for now) is to pull away from fetishism slowly. I will be more intentional about what I look at and will seek out porn that meets brother #1's criteria. I will commit to do this for a month, just to see if I sense any changes in my sexuality. I will certainly update this blog as this progresses.
Finally, I know that this blog is read by people curious in whatever I have to say, I see that in the viewership stats. So please do not hesitate to comment on what I write, as I do want other's advise on these issues. Please no flaming, that's just not cool.
I have had a very interesting last few days. I must say that my trip to Colorado was not exactly as I anticipated in terms of the various interactions that I've had with some of my old fraternity brothers. I decided to come clean with one friend of mine and tell him everything, short of the existence of this blog. This blog, as far as I can help it, will remain private. No one who reads this will know who I am in real life. Before I get into the discussion I had with my first buddy, I happened to--in a round about way without actually intending it--to cover the same issue (without going into detail) with another brother from the fraternity, the guy who took me to the airport.
So brother # 1 (the first guy) was actually very supportive and just wanted to know what this was all about, what were my fetishes, where did I go on line. I told him everything, the AB/DL stuff, and everything about my sports gear fetish side. I must say that just coming clean with him, all the way, was such a relief. Someone who is not part of my secret life knows the truth. It was somewhat of a fire hose experience for him, a lot of information in a short period of time. He knew I was sexually confused from earlier conversations and confession, however, I'm sure he is still processing what I told him. Nonetheless, he was able to offer me some good advice, advice that somewhat conflicts with the advice I got from brother #2 (the second guy I talked to).
Brother #1 said that I should try to find images or videos of guys who are wearing the gear I'm into, but who are also doing it with members of the opposite sex. So basically guys who are getting laid by girls, but the guys happen to be geared out. This, as he saw it, was some kind of compromise, it allows you to be "heterosexual" and be a gear fetishist, and not go 100% gay. As I have stated before in this blog, my feelings are that I lean gay on the spectrum, but I concede that I am not 100% there, but could easily go down that road if I so choose. Since I'm a fetishist, I have some choice in the matter, that is if I can learn how to get off on a guy who is having sex with a girl, the guy wearing sports gear is the bridge between my fetish and the correct, conventional course, of a man and a women in love, presumably in a marriage. If this approach is successful, maybe I can find a special partner who can indulge me in this fetish. This approach I will call the moderate approach, it allows me to keep my fetishes, but aims to re-direct them to a different target that can possibly lead to love that is not based on guys in gear, but a women and what she can do to (or for) a guy.
Brother #2 took a more extreme course. Now in all fairness to him, he did not receive as much detail. All he knows is I am a fetishist and I am sexually confused, did not point blank come out to him that I think I am gay or bi-sexual, but implied it by what I said to him. How he sees this, all fetishes are learned. When a guy (or maybe a girl) masturbates and they focus their attention on an object, that object, given enough time, will become sexually charged and relevant for future arousal. Therefore, as the argument goes, it can be re-directed, like training rose to grow up a trellis. He said that sexually is either "sexually frustrated" when you take out your confused sexual urges on objects, or a form of power over the person or object, or it is based on "beauty", I forget the exact term he used for the latter. His general argument is that it all comes down to the brain as the central sexual organ. If thoughts, and to some extent even images, are changed while masturbating, the desire will gradually shift. With work, the objects causing sexual arousal would hold less meaning, and in extreme cases the objects themselves would need to be disposed of in order to allow for recovery and prevent remission back into the old familiar desires and re-enforcement thereof. By focusing on beauty (of a women) and making this an intimacy thing, not a fetish thing, the desires will shift in time.
I wish I had more time to truly unpack this. Firstly, I had no opportunity to reflect on what he said and to come back with my own theories. Secondly, the advise is coming from someone who holds (loosely) Roman Catholic theology on sexual deviance and even a prohibition of masturbation. He was a contributing factor to the many years I fought and fought to eliminate masturbation, as it was a "sin" and was not how God intended his creatures to sexually express themselves, that sex is only permissible within the institution of marriage. I do not proscribe to this strict interpretation and I must say that Brother #2 does not fully either, but he comes from this line of thinking. Thirdly, Brother #2 is not a trained sexual psychologist, but rather was a philosophy major who turned into an attorney. He is applying his knowledge and simply hoping that is works, like giving up smoking. The cold turkey concept. I am sure, if given an opportunity, he would refine his advice, especially if he knew the specifics of my sexual story line, but in my heart of hearts, I am convinced he would not alter his advice remarkably. I asked for specific application for what I do on Day 1, when I want to masturbate, and he told me, rather meekly I may add, to think of a girl that I like and had excited me, that she would accept me for who I am, in a easy going flirtatious manner, like that was all it took to turn me. I fear that to change me would take much more than that!
As I have read up on fetishism, I have come across a general consensus that it is "normal" variant of sexuality. I think where the issue comes into play is if the addiction becomes compulsive and chronic in the sense that is harms the individual or prevents him or her from intimacy or even basic social needs and interactions. In these cases, they are sexually frustrated because their fetish is never enough to satisfy the need and urges they have, thus perpetuating an addiction state. These cases need treatment.
As much as I care for brother #2, I will proceed with brother #1's advice. I don't think I have the will power or even the desire to turn completely away from my many fetishes, they have become so much a part of who I am since I was 15 years old, I'm now in my mid 30's. I will admit though, that I think my fetishes are conditioned on exposure. I will make attempts, even though I have no desire to, to masturbate to women or, at minimum, guys who are geared up with women, no more gay porn. I could feel myself turning slowly away from my disgust of anal sex from the volume of it that I was seeing on gay porn, fetish based, websites. This concerns me because I do see that is crossing a line, delving even deeper into the dark world of fetishism and homo eroticism.
My plan (for now) is to pull away from fetishism slowly. I will be more intentional about what I look at and will seek out porn that meets brother #1's criteria. I will commit to do this for a month, just to see if I sense any changes in my sexuality. I will certainly update this blog as this progresses.
Finally, I know that this blog is read by people curious in whatever I have to say, I see that in the viewership stats. So please do not hesitate to comment on what I write, as I do want other's advise on these issues. Please no flaming, that's just not cool.
Saturday, November 10, 2012
Being Accepted: Finding a Peer Group
Bate Rate: 0.61328
This will be a different journal entry than usual, I hope to be a bid more profound in my musings. I also hope that more readers of this will be personally affected by what I have to say. Typically I am talking about the inner recesses of my personal desires/issues and experiences, and doing this boldly--I may add--since before a few years ago, this would only be in a my private journals, not out there on the world wide web. But I do, I hope have some level of anonymity in this blog for the expressed purpose of allowing me to be 100% real and transparent in what I am thinking and feeling as a human being.
Now, onto my desired subject for today's post. I woke up today listening to NPR, the last 15 minutes of This American Life, a radio show. Today's show was about how hard it was for a middle school aged boy to move into a new town because he had no friends. He said, quite ably and articulately, that it was not as easy as in elementary school to make new friends, you cannot walk up to a person and say, "hi, do you want to be my friend?" And have it be that. No, in middle school there are peer groups, people who judge you, your background, your values, your skills and interests and they size you up and determine off of some narrow criteria, if you belong with them or if you do not. If you don't, you are not part of the mainstream group, but would have to find friends with those who are in a variety of sub-groups, or sub-cultures. But even these groups can be exclusive and hard to break into, you have to bring something of value to them for them to be able to accept you.
I got to thinking about this and had the epiphany that this concept is the riddle of life and the key to why I am so depressed all the time these days. Society is made up of these peer groups, it does not stop in middle school. Yes, in middle school there is more drama over friends, as the kids are not able to process their emotions as effectively as when they become adults, but the basic societal framework is set up starting at around 6th grade. You either learn how to play the society game or you do not learn. I did not learn. I know that now, I like to think and make believe that I am accepted, that I belong somewhere, but I have over the years, enclosed myself into this isolative cocoon in a small town and I have, systematically (without realizing it) decimated my peer groups.
Let me explain more. I am calling a peer group a group of people who have similar values, desires, and goals, which attract and conditionally accept others as long as they conform to the group's basic goals and values. This is the framework of society that is setup in youth, ages 11-15, the tween and early teen time before you are an older teenagers but after you are a mere child. There are hundreds of peer groups, they form cultures, there is the mainstream culture and then within mainstream culture there are sub-cultures, each group with unique social mores, values, goals, and skill sets. Just like the groups in middle school that either accept you or reject you basic strictly on your ability to conform to the group's collective values and expectations. For example, you are not going to be friends with the football players unless you can understand and are relative decent (based on the average skill ability) at playing football. If you can't play football, you are not accepted into that group, it's as plain and as simple as that. They may not tell you this straight to your face (at least not when you are an adult) but it remains true nonetheless. Society does not accept diversity. Rather it becomes stratified, like groups attract. If you are different, you just need to find the group that is like you that you conform with and find your community there.
My issue is I have very few groups that I can attach myself to. I attend a church, I am in a weekly small group, a group of individuals at the church, who have committed time and energy towards learning something new. But, I have not been able to connect with these people at a deeper more personal level, they are not my age, or my peers, in that we do not share some fundamental characteristics to ensure I am within their personal social networks. The primary rule of these groups, in mainstream society, is that you need to be married and you need to have kids. If you are not married and have no children, you do not fit into the predominate patterns of these social groups. So getting back to my small group and my church, I am members of it, I participate and socialize with the members, but it remains a superficial connection because I lack the criteria to be truly accepted: I am single and gay. Deep down they all know it, or suspect it, but social mores says they cannot address it directly, no one is going to call me gay, that won't happen. But what will happen is I will be overlooked for party invitations, gatherings, etc. and in turn I will feel awkward about just calling up one of these people out of the blue to hang out/ or rather to be familiar with them on a deeper level, they are not my kith and kin. I have not been invited to the theater even though I have expressed interest. In fact I had to attend a show on my own last weekend since I had no one to go with, this is my new reality. Why? I am not married, and I am not within the same age group, so I have less life experience to offer.
What about those my own age, you ask? Well you see they are all married and I am further worried that I am not accept beyond simply my martial status, but also due to my own behavior. I can come across as an strange nerdy person, my own personal habits, behaviors, presentation, my slender size and lack of strength, etc. may be lacking when measured up to others. This, to me, is the most frustrating part. Some people just don't like me. I don't know why, exactly, but I know I rub some people the wrong way, I am not like them, I get that. I know that this is not true with everyone, I will not process my emotional upheavals by making broad statements, "oh everyone hates me". For one, I know that will do me no good to repair wounded or impaired friendships, and secondly it simply is not true. But when dealing with the heart, it's hard to be logical. It's not that I don't have any friends. I have friends, but they are few, and I try to not call them every time I am lonely, I don't want to be a burden on them because I can't get my act together and find a spouse.
I also mentioned, earlier, that I am less happy now more because I have systematically decimated my peer groups. You see, I was part of a singles group that was part of another church, but over the past year I have pulled out of it because I no longer fit into the conservative values and their general evangelicalism. So I stopped participating in their events and so I lost that connection, I am realizing that I am now really paying the price for that decision because I can no longer connect with people who are like myself, my single peer group, my sub-culture that fits who I am as an individual. I also left my former church, for another smaller church, for the same theological reasons I stated above, namely that I am more liberal now and do not fit into the social conservative peer groups. And while you would think that would be a zero sum gain. Switching one church for another, what's the big deal, but the issue is I still have lost old connections that I had for over 5 years. I have been dropped, forgotten because I rejected the fundamental building block for that collection of people, the church. You cannot be friends with people in this town if you do not attend their church, it just doesn't work, there is no common ground. (not to reveal who I am in real life, but I live in a small conservative southern town in a very red "republican" state)
I have learned that humans have evolved this way over millions of years so that we could survive, we formed hunting bands and clans to divide labor and relate to one another and to perform the most basic function of a human, to make more humans, the marry and to have children. That is a very, very powerful force in our society and so there should be no doubt as to why I feel like I am not accepted here, I and bucking this force that is coming from all quarters, that tells me that something is wrong with me if I am not married with children. I am not contributing or conforming to the primary social objective, which is the need to make more people. I get it now.
I know it is more complicated than that, part of this has to do with my lack of sociability The fact I don't schmooze with others, go to open events, socialize within my town, but it will be hard to break in if I don't fit in and conform with the others. So where does this lead me now that I have this figured out? I know I have never been popular in school, and even now I see that my lack of popularity has effected me in my career my ability to advance, and in my general well being. I may be a loner with only a handful of what I consider real friends, but I still long for community and intimacy with others. At my personal cross roads is my need to decide what I am going to do with my life. Do I come out as gay? If so, when and how? My brother is gay and it's already creating drama in my family, can I possibly add to that? Or do I take the route of responsibility, and seriously go after a wife? Go back onto eHarmony and do my best again to try to find someone I am marginally attracted to and I hope she would find me the same. Look past my sexual peculiarities and just find the companion I desperately need. And when I know she is emotionally attached to me, I ease her in, bit by bit, into what I am sexually attracted to and hope and pray to find some common ground with her. At least then I would be accepted into all these groups? But something tells me that option will crash and burn, I can't get married just to please others, even if I want what they can offer to me-- community. The third, and most radical option, is to just quit my job and move away, to a place that is more liberal and would hold the values that I personally agree with, a bigger city with a accepting gay community. Start over brand new, with new people, and do my best to try to fit in. This option is the most risky, as it means I have to basically start over again. But is that just running away from my problems to rewind my life to 10 years ago so I can do it all over again in a new place?
So this is where I am now. I am alone, lonely, with very few friends who really understands me and who I am. I have turned to on line fetish groups to fill in this gap, but have had limited success with that approach. I guess I'll carry on as I always had until some force out there pushes me to do something about this issue. Either I will be fired or my pay will be cut (Option 3), I will feel I need to just get married, (Option 2). Or I will say, the hell with this town and my family, and come out and be gay and openly seek a same sex partner (Option 1), but in the process forego any hope of acceptance into my peer groups. Option 4 is to do nothing, but that can only last so long before I really do get depressed and will need to seek professional help... I pray that God can help me pick which option is best for me.
This will be a different journal entry than usual, I hope to be a bid more profound in my musings. I also hope that more readers of this will be personally affected by what I have to say. Typically I am talking about the inner recesses of my personal desires/issues and experiences, and doing this boldly--I may add--since before a few years ago, this would only be in a my private journals, not out there on the world wide web. But I do, I hope have some level of anonymity in this blog for the expressed purpose of allowing me to be 100% real and transparent in what I am thinking and feeling as a human being.
Now, onto my desired subject for today's post. I woke up today listening to NPR, the last 15 minutes of This American Life, a radio show. Today's show was about how hard it was for a middle school aged boy to move into a new town because he had no friends. He said, quite ably and articulately, that it was not as easy as in elementary school to make new friends, you cannot walk up to a person and say, "hi, do you want to be my friend?" And have it be that. No, in middle school there are peer groups, people who judge you, your background, your values, your skills and interests and they size you up and determine off of some narrow criteria, if you belong with them or if you do not. If you don't, you are not part of the mainstream group, but would have to find friends with those who are in a variety of sub-groups, or sub-cultures. But even these groups can be exclusive and hard to break into, you have to bring something of value to them for them to be able to accept you.
I got to thinking about this and had the epiphany that this concept is the riddle of life and the key to why I am so depressed all the time these days. Society is made up of these peer groups, it does not stop in middle school. Yes, in middle school there is more drama over friends, as the kids are not able to process their emotions as effectively as when they become adults, but the basic societal framework is set up starting at around 6th grade. You either learn how to play the society game or you do not learn. I did not learn. I know that now, I like to think and make believe that I am accepted, that I belong somewhere, but I have over the years, enclosed myself into this isolative cocoon in a small town and I have, systematically (without realizing it) decimated my peer groups.
Let me explain more. I am calling a peer group a group of people who have similar values, desires, and goals, which attract and conditionally accept others as long as they conform to the group's basic goals and values. This is the framework of society that is setup in youth, ages 11-15, the tween and early teen time before you are an older teenagers but after you are a mere child. There are hundreds of peer groups, they form cultures, there is the mainstream culture and then within mainstream culture there are sub-cultures, each group with unique social mores, values, goals, and skill sets. Just like the groups in middle school that either accept you or reject you basic strictly on your ability to conform to the group's collective values and expectations. For example, you are not going to be friends with the football players unless you can understand and are relative decent (based on the average skill ability) at playing football. If you can't play football, you are not accepted into that group, it's as plain and as simple as that. They may not tell you this straight to your face (at least not when you are an adult) but it remains true nonetheless. Society does not accept diversity. Rather it becomes stratified, like groups attract. If you are different, you just need to find the group that is like you that you conform with and find your community there.
My issue is I have very few groups that I can attach myself to. I attend a church, I am in a weekly small group, a group of individuals at the church, who have committed time and energy towards learning something new. But, I have not been able to connect with these people at a deeper more personal level, they are not my age, or my peers, in that we do not share some fundamental characteristics to ensure I am within their personal social networks. The primary rule of these groups, in mainstream society, is that you need to be married and you need to have kids. If you are not married and have no children, you do not fit into the predominate patterns of these social groups. So getting back to my small group and my church, I am members of it, I participate and socialize with the members, but it remains a superficial connection because I lack the criteria to be truly accepted: I am single and gay. Deep down they all know it, or suspect it, but social mores says they cannot address it directly, no one is going to call me gay, that won't happen. But what will happen is I will be overlooked for party invitations, gatherings, etc. and in turn I will feel awkward about just calling up one of these people out of the blue to hang out/ or rather to be familiar with them on a deeper level, they are not my kith and kin. I have not been invited to the theater even though I have expressed interest. In fact I had to attend a show on my own last weekend since I had no one to go with, this is my new reality. Why? I am not married, and I am not within the same age group, so I have less life experience to offer.
What about those my own age, you ask? Well you see they are all married and I am further worried that I am not accept beyond simply my martial status, but also due to my own behavior. I can come across as an strange nerdy person, my own personal habits, behaviors, presentation, my slender size and lack of strength, etc. may be lacking when measured up to others. This, to me, is the most frustrating part. Some people just don't like me. I don't know why, exactly, but I know I rub some people the wrong way, I am not like them, I get that. I know that this is not true with everyone, I will not process my emotional upheavals by making broad statements, "oh everyone hates me". For one, I know that will do me no good to repair wounded or impaired friendships, and secondly it simply is not true. But when dealing with the heart, it's hard to be logical. It's not that I don't have any friends. I have friends, but they are few, and I try to not call them every time I am lonely, I don't want to be a burden on them because I can't get my act together and find a spouse.
I also mentioned, earlier, that I am less happy now more because I have systematically decimated my peer groups. You see, I was part of a singles group that was part of another church, but over the past year I have pulled out of it because I no longer fit into the conservative values and their general evangelicalism. So I stopped participating in their events and so I lost that connection, I am realizing that I am now really paying the price for that decision because I can no longer connect with people who are like myself, my single peer group, my sub-culture that fits who I am as an individual. I also left my former church, for another smaller church, for the same theological reasons I stated above, namely that I am more liberal now and do not fit into the social conservative peer groups. And while you would think that would be a zero sum gain. Switching one church for another, what's the big deal, but the issue is I still have lost old connections that I had for over 5 years. I have been dropped, forgotten because I rejected the fundamental building block for that collection of people, the church. You cannot be friends with people in this town if you do not attend their church, it just doesn't work, there is no common ground. (not to reveal who I am in real life, but I live in a small conservative southern town in a very red "republican" state)
I have learned that humans have evolved this way over millions of years so that we could survive, we formed hunting bands and clans to divide labor and relate to one another and to perform the most basic function of a human, to make more humans, the marry and to have children. That is a very, very powerful force in our society and so there should be no doubt as to why I feel like I am not accepted here, I and bucking this force that is coming from all quarters, that tells me that something is wrong with me if I am not married with children. I am not contributing or conforming to the primary social objective, which is the need to make more people. I get it now.
I know it is more complicated than that, part of this has to do with my lack of sociability The fact I don't schmooze with others, go to open events, socialize within my town, but it will be hard to break in if I don't fit in and conform with the others. So where does this lead me now that I have this figured out? I know I have never been popular in school, and even now I see that my lack of popularity has effected me in my career my ability to advance, and in my general well being. I may be a loner with only a handful of what I consider real friends, but I still long for community and intimacy with others. At my personal cross roads is my need to decide what I am going to do with my life. Do I come out as gay? If so, when and how? My brother is gay and it's already creating drama in my family, can I possibly add to that? Or do I take the route of responsibility, and seriously go after a wife? Go back onto eHarmony and do my best again to try to find someone I am marginally attracted to and I hope she would find me the same. Look past my sexual peculiarities and just find the companion I desperately need. And when I know she is emotionally attached to me, I ease her in, bit by bit, into what I am sexually attracted to and hope and pray to find some common ground with her. At least then I would be accepted into all these groups? But something tells me that option will crash and burn, I can't get married just to please others, even if I want what they can offer to me-- community. The third, and most radical option, is to just quit my job and move away, to a place that is more liberal and would hold the values that I personally agree with, a bigger city with a accepting gay community. Start over brand new, with new people, and do my best to try to fit in. This option is the most risky, as it means I have to basically start over again. But is that just running away from my problems to rewind my life to 10 years ago so I can do it all over again in a new place?
So this is where I am now. I am alone, lonely, with very few friends who really understands me and who I am. I have turned to on line fetish groups to fill in this gap, but have had limited success with that approach. I guess I'll carry on as I always had until some force out there pushes me to do something about this issue. Either I will be fired or my pay will be cut (Option 3), I will feel I need to just get married, (Option 2). Or I will say, the hell with this town and my family, and come out and be gay and openly seek a same sex partner (Option 1), but in the process forego any hope of acceptance into my peer groups. Option 4 is to do nothing, but that can only last so long before I really do get depressed and will need to seek professional help... I pray that God can help me pick which option is best for me.
Saturday, November 3, 2012
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