Coming Out...the journey begins

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After thinking about yesterday's fun I asked myself a simple question, a question that now I realize has at last given me some clarity as to where I am sexually.  Any reader of this blog knows that I am "trying to figure it out" and that basically means me reflecting on my beliefs and my personal convictions in a totally honest and heartfelt way.  I have danced around the issue of my sexuality for a long time, going back and forth as to where I am.  So going back to yesterday, I asked myself, if the voice on the hypnosis file had been a female, would I have had the reaction that I had?  The answer is no.  The file was done in such a way that it felt like the male voice was intimate, it was a very intimate expression, I felt close to this voice, like he was there with me, affirming me, encouraging me to experience pleasure as a form of my blissful stupidity (see my last post for details on this).  That experience could not have been duplicated with a female - I got off on it more so because it was a guy, a guy speaking to me as a guy, wanting to be close to me, to be with me, to love me.  I decided once and for all that I want to be with a guy, I am gay.  I'm not asexual, bi, or anything in between, I am a gay man.  This is a huge revelation for me, I have been trying to avoid the issue of my sexuality my whole life, always calling it something else, I'm not gay because I am not like them, I don't want to be effeminate, girly, etc.  I don't want to be associated with the gay community and their perceived licentiousness. I wanted to be "normal" to be accepted and loved, but the more and more I am alone in this house with nothing but a cat to keep me company, the more I realize I cannot go on like this, living a charade for the rest of my life...no.  I need to just do it and face the music, I need to just come out and get this over with.

I have resisted this for several reasons.  I don't want to disappoint my mother, and my sister, who would not be in favor of me being gay.  I don't want to bring some level of embarrassment to my family, now having two sons (my brother is gay) who are homosexuals.  I don't want to loose my best friend who is not comfortable with me being gay.  I know this would bring more strain on our friendship. I don't want to receive hate mail and loose my conservative Christian friends (of which I have many).  I don't want to be singled out in this town as a gay man, who would not be accepted by the community I live in - I live in a very right wing, ultra-conservative, place.  I know I need to do this, just deal with it and maybe move away to a place where there are more gay people I can meet, date, or whatever.  It's just hard for me to move away, to pull up my roots, try to find some other job someplace, sell my house, etc.  Is it worth it just to live somewhere that is more gay friendly?  I don't know.

I know I don't want to just be part of this gay scene and go to gay bars and march in a the annual gay right parade, that is not my thing.  I am a person who wants to fit in and be accepted.  I know my church will be accepting of this, I'm Episcopal and they accept gay people unlike other churches, but I personally still have lingering questions about being gay and reconciling that with my faith as a Christian.  How do I interpret Romans Chapter 1, for instance?   

I feel though in my heart, that this is the right decision for me. How can God make me gay if it is a sin?  I have a sin nature, I get that, but my attraction is to other guys, albeit a very narrow, specific type of guy, but nonetheless a youth, 20 something, athletic, slender, guy is who I want to be with.  I can't help that, it's who I am, so is that a sin?  I still need to work through this issue.

I will say though that I feel a weight has been listed off my shoulders now.  I needed to just admit this, all the way, that this is who I am, a gay man and just deal with it.  My next step is who do I reveal this to?  My family, my rector?  A another gay man I know?  Do I just make a blanket announcement on Facebook and leave it at that?  Do I tell no one and silently pursue a male relationship and reveal to those who are on a "need to know basis?"  i.e. my family and close friends?  There are so many questions, I know I am in a confused state over this, I don't want to come out of the closet, to admit this to others because I hate to bring attention to myself.  Part of me wants to say that this is none of their business!  I am only open now because anyone who reads this on line hopefully does not know my true identity.  I want to blend in, I wear muted colors and earth tones, I like to blend in...it's kinda who I am, which, as you can see, is one of my main problems with the gay pride movement, I don't like to put myself out there like that - not my style AT ALL.  But needless to say, even if I don't identity with the gay pride types, I am still gay, whether I like it or not, it is who I am.

So there it is, that's where I am at at the moment.  I am debating e-mailing my sister about this, I think that will be my first step since I know she will be the one who has the biggest problem with this.  But as my brother said, that is her issue not mine.  I think I will email them both and then, in time, my parents.