BR: 0.52328
I had a real hard to trying to figure out what the title this post. Was tempted to use some form of "masturbation" or "pleasure", just to attract more viewers, but then thought better of that. The truth is masturbation is again on my mind, as always, when is it not, right? I think a lot of it has to do with my new goal of getting up to 70% by 12/31/13, which I seem to be exceeding at the moment and account of some very seductive hypnosis! Don't worry, I'm not wholly addicted to my penis, yet... ;-)
I think some of this new freedom relates to me coming out, see my past post. Now that I have gotten that out of the way and have received some affirmation about it I feel more freedom to explore my darker side. I mean, a masturbation addiction is not that bad, right? I mean, you get the pleasure for free and its my penis, so I can touch it as much as I like to, as long as I keep to my other obligations. I think for me, that is where the line is to when this is no longer a game, but becoming something more serious. As of now, I find it manageable and, dare I say? fun!
Sorry for the short post, but that is all I have for now. My coming out to my brother and sister is going well, feel free to PM me if you want more details! Until then, bate on!!
Sunday, March 31, 2013
Sunday, March 17, 2013
Coming Out...the journey begins
Bate Rate: 0.4884
After thinking about yesterday's fun I asked myself a simple question, a question that now I realize has at last given me some clarity as to where I am sexually. Any reader of this blog knows that I am "trying to figure it out" and that basically means me reflecting on my beliefs and my personal convictions in a totally honest and heartfelt way. I have danced around the issue of my sexuality for a long time, going back and forth as to where I am. So going back to yesterday, I asked myself, if the voice on the hypnosis file had been a female, would I have had the reaction that I had? The answer is no. The file was done in such a way that it felt like the male voice was intimate, it was a very intimate expression, I felt close to this voice, like he was there with me, affirming me, encouraging me to experience pleasure as a form of my blissful stupidity (see my last post for details on this). That experience could not have been duplicated with a female - I got off on it more so because it was a guy, a guy speaking to me as a guy, wanting to be close to me, to be with me, to love me. I decided once and for all that I want to be with a guy, I am gay. I'm not asexual, bi, or anything in between, I am a gay man. This is a huge revelation for me, I have been trying to avoid the issue of my sexuality my whole life, always calling it something else, I'm not gay because I am not like them, I don't want to be effeminate, girly, etc. I don't want to be associated with the gay community and their perceived licentiousness. I wanted to be "normal" to be accepted and loved, but the more and more I am alone in this house with nothing but a cat to keep me company, the more I realize I cannot go on like this, living a charade for the rest of my life...no. I need to just do it and face the music, I need to just come out and get this over with.
I have resisted this for several reasons. I don't want to disappoint my mother, and my sister, who would not be in favor of me being gay. I don't want to bring some level of embarrassment to my family, now having two sons (my brother is gay) who are homosexuals. I don't want to loose my best friend who is not comfortable with me being gay. I know this would bring more strain on our friendship. I don't want to receive hate mail and loose my conservative Christian friends (of which I have many). I don't want to be singled out in this town as a gay man, who would not be accepted by the community I live in - I live in a very right wing, ultra-conservative, place. I know I need to do this, just deal with it and maybe move away to a place where there are more gay people I can meet, date, or whatever. It's just hard for me to move away, to pull up my roots, try to find some other job someplace, sell my house, etc. Is it worth it just to live somewhere that is more gay friendly? I don't know.
I know I don't want to just be part of this gay scene and go to gay bars and march in a the annual gay right parade, that is not my thing. I am a person who wants to fit in and be accepted. I know my church will be accepting of this, I'm Episcopal and they accept gay people unlike other churches, but I personally still have lingering questions about being gay and reconciling that with my faith as a Christian. How do I interpret Romans Chapter 1, for instance?
I feel though in my heart, that this is the right decision for me. How can God make me gay if it is a sin? I have a sin nature, I get that, but my attraction is to other guys, albeit a very narrow, specific type of guy, but nonetheless a youth, 20 something, athletic, slender, guy is who I want to be with. I can't help that, it's who I am, so is that a sin? I still need to work through this issue.
I will say though that I feel a weight has been listed off my shoulders now. I needed to just admit this, all the way, that this is who I am, a gay man and just deal with it. My next step is who do I reveal this to? My family, my rector? A another gay man I know? Do I just make a blanket announcement on Facebook and leave it at that? Do I tell no one and silently pursue a male relationship and reveal to those who are on a "need to know basis?" i.e. my family and close friends? There are so many questions, I know I am in a confused state over this, I don't want to come out of the closet, to admit this to others because I hate to bring attention to myself. Part of me wants to say that this is none of their business! I am only open now because anyone who reads this on line hopefully does not know my true identity. I want to blend in, I wear muted colors and earth tones, I like to blend in...it's kinda who I am, which, as you can see, is one of my main problems with the gay pride movement, I don't like to put myself out there like that - not my style AT ALL. But needless to say, even if I don't identity with the gay pride types, I am still gay, whether I like it or not, it is who I am.
So there it is, that's where I am at at the moment. I am debating e-mailing my sister about this, I think that will be my first step since I know she will be the one who has the biggest problem with this. But as my brother said, that is her issue not mine. I think I will email them both and then, in time, my parents.
After thinking about yesterday's fun I asked myself a simple question, a question that now I realize has at last given me some clarity as to where I am sexually. Any reader of this blog knows that I am "trying to figure it out" and that basically means me reflecting on my beliefs and my personal convictions in a totally honest and heartfelt way. I have danced around the issue of my sexuality for a long time, going back and forth as to where I am. So going back to yesterday, I asked myself, if the voice on the hypnosis file had been a female, would I have had the reaction that I had? The answer is no. The file was done in such a way that it felt like the male voice was intimate, it was a very intimate expression, I felt close to this voice, like he was there with me, affirming me, encouraging me to experience pleasure as a form of my blissful stupidity (see my last post for details on this). That experience could not have been duplicated with a female - I got off on it more so because it was a guy, a guy speaking to me as a guy, wanting to be close to me, to be with me, to love me. I decided once and for all that I want to be with a guy, I am gay. I'm not asexual, bi, or anything in between, I am a gay man. This is a huge revelation for me, I have been trying to avoid the issue of my sexuality my whole life, always calling it something else, I'm not gay because I am not like them, I don't want to be effeminate, girly, etc. I don't want to be associated with the gay community and their perceived licentiousness. I wanted to be "normal" to be accepted and loved, but the more and more I am alone in this house with nothing but a cat to keep me company, the more I realize I cannot go on like this, living a charade for the rest of my life...no. I need to just do it and face the music, I need to just come out and get this over with.
I have resisted this for several reasons. I don't want to disappoint my mother, and my sister, who would not be in favor of me being gay. I don't want to bring some level of embarrassment to my family, now having two sons (my brother is gay) who are homosexuals. I don't want to loose my best friend who is not comfortable with me being gay. I know this would bring more strain on our friendship. I don't want to receive hate mail and loose my conservative Christian friends (of which I have many). I don't want to be singled out in this town as a gay man, who would not be accepted by the community I live in - I live in a very right wing, ultra-conservative, place. I know I need to do this, just deal with it and maybe move away to a place where there are more gay people I can meet, date, or whatever. It's just hard for me to move away, to pull up my roots, try to find some other job someplace, sell my house, etc. Is it worth it just to live somewhere that is more gay friendly? I don't know.
I know I don't want to just be part of this gay scene and go to gay bars and march in a the annual gay right parade, that is not my thing. I am a person who wants to fit in and be accepted. I know my church will be accepting of this, I'm Episcopal and they accept gay people unlike other churches, but I personally still have lingering questions about being gay and reconciling that with my faith as a Christian. How do I interpret Romans Chapter 1, for instance?
I feel though in my heart, that this is the right decision for me. How can God make me gay if it is a sin? I have a sin nature, I get that, but my attraction is to other guys, albeit a very narrow, specific type of guy, but nonetheless a youth, 20 something, athletic, slender, guy is who I want to be with. I can't help that, it's who I am, so is that a sin? I still need to work through this issue.
I will say though that I feel a weight has been listed off my shoulders now. I needed to just admit this, all the way, that this is who I am, a gay man and just deal with it. My next step is who do I reveal this to? My family, my rector? A another gay man I know? Do I just make a blanket announcement on Facebook and leave it at that? Do I tell no one and silently pursue a male relationship and reveal to those who are on a "need to know basis?" i.e. my family and close friends? There are so many questions, I know I am in a confused state over this, I don't want to come out of the closet, to admit this to others because I hate to bring attention to myself. Part of me wants to say that this is none of their business! I am only open now because anyone who reads this on line hopefully does not know my true identity. I want to blend in, I wear muted colors and earth tones, I like to blend in...it's kinda who I am, which, as you can see, is one of my main problems with the gay pride movement, I don't like to put myself out there like that - not my style AT ALL. But needless to say, even if I don't identity with the gay pride types, I am still gay, whether I like it or not, it is who I am.
So there it is, that's where I am at at the moment. I am debating e-mailing my sister about this, I think that will be my first step since I know she will be the one who has the biggest problem with this. But as my brother said, that is her issue not mine. I think I will email them both and then, in time, my parents.
Saturday, March 16, 2013
Pleasurable Dumbness - Worth the Money!
Bate Rate: 0.4884
Well I've been naughty today and succumbed to a temptation to download a hypnosis file from warpmymind called Pleasurable Dumbness, I debated for sometime about whether or not to do it, it costs $10, but it was a great investment! The file really gets you down deeper than others I've tried and ultimately gets you to want to have a hard cock. (sorry for being vulgar, but you did click yes on sexual content when you opened this blog! :P ) Anyways, I jerked off three times today and this file is to blame. The orgasm on the last time was mind blowing as I was jerking off in my fleshjack as I was listening to it. I wrote in my log that this was the best one so far this year.... I think the file really hits on my deepest, darkest sexual desire.
I regret I don't have any profound things to reflect on other than the sheer pleasure of hedonism. It's hard to get away from, you know, your cock. I know I would have a very hard time giving this up. I also looked at how I was doing for my goal of 70%, one of the reasons I am opening up more now to masturbation is to meet this goal, right now at 48.8%; you can see that in my BR at the top.
Man I feel slow now, I think it was the file, hehe. Well that is about all I have to write, will revisit my path into masturbatory bliss in future posts. Until then, bate on!!
Oh, and if you are remotely into this "get dumb and feel good" fetish that I seem to have, I recommend the file, check it out!
Well I've been naughty today and succumbed to a temptation to download a hypnosis file from warpmymind called Pleasurable Dumbness, I debated for sometime about whether or not to do it, it costs $10, but it was a great investment! The file really gets you down deeper than others I've tried and ultimately gets you to want to have a hard cock. (sorry for being vulgar, but you did click yes on sexual content when you opened this blog! :P ) Anyways, I jerked off three times today and this file is to blame. The orgasm on the last time was mind blowing as I was jerking off in my fleshjack as I was listening to it. I wrote in my log that this was the best one so far this year.... I think the file really hits on my deepest, darkest sexual desire.
I regret I don't have any profound things to reflect on other than the sheer pleasure of hedonism. It's hard to get away from, you know, your cock. I know I would have a very hard time giving this up. I also looked at how I was doing for my goal of 70%, one of the reasons I am opening up more now to masturbation is to meet this goal, right now at 48.8%; you can see that in my BR at the top.
Man I feel slow now, I think it was the file, hehe. Well that is about all I have to write, will revisit my path into masturbatory bliss in future posts. Until then, bate on!!
Oh, and if you are remotely into this "get dumb and feel good" fetish that I seem to have, I recommend the file, check it out!
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