More Thoughts about Masturbation and Cock Worship

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So last night I actually said the words, "I devote myself to cock."  This is a huge new step for me, as it really pits my faith in direct conflict with devotion to cock worship and masturbation as a lifetime goal.  I am still struggling with this, so much so that this morning I decided to call off the lenten challenge, as it was putting way too much focus on masturbation when the goal was really to not cum unless it was a Sunday.  I ofcourse recanted my earlier statement as something I said in the heat of lust and the moment.  But things like this are increasingly happening.

It curious to me why this is so.  Why me, who have so many fetishes and places I can go to, why am I so drawn to the idea of making my masturbation into a new religion?  Into something that replaces God?  As I thought about this today, it came to me that my faith is the only thing that is really stopping me from going into this all they way, to the point where it is not moral standards holding me back, but practical ones, eating, sleeping, job, keeping up appearances, but in my private life, my devotion is to cock.  It also occurred to me that giving control over to your penis is in the same way of losing control.  Control of mind: Getting Dumb; Control of bladder:  Diapers; Control of Faith: Cock Worship.  Its all the same thing, just different variations on the theme of losing control, losing the things that hold you back from entering into ultimate pleasure and satisfaction.  I keep telling myself, that I don't need that for satisfaction, for pleasure, but this is like a drug and masturbation is psychological.  My penis only wants pleasure, and anything that stops that pleasure is to be replaced.  I have given myself over to unguilty frequent masturbation as a way of life, now this is the next step in my journey, this is why I am so attracted to this, its the doorway, the final doorway into ultimate pleasure.

I find myself drawn to the same blogs again and again, seeking in vain for new material to feed this new desire of making my penis my new god.  When searches don't turn up what I am looking for I keep telling myself that there is nothing out there, but I can't believe that, my ID, my desire keeps searching, searching for a temple of cock that I can secretly watch, partake in their dark pleasurable rituals, but only secretly, and only at a distance, because I can't do this all the way, I can't actually say I am no longer a Christian and now am a cock worshipper.  I might as well say I am a devil worshipper, they seem to be very close.

So where does this all lead to now?  I think in the coming days and months I will continue to use this blog as the title says, to figure it all out, for me.  Who knows, maybe I will be a cock worshipper for a little while, try it out, see how it feels to abandon all to my cock, to masturbate as much as possible, to devote all my time to porn and masturbation and not allow myself to stop from seeking out my darkest pleasures--but that will have a cost, this does not happen without consequence.  And that is real.  I would have to give up part of who I am, part of who I portray to the world.  I am not likely to stop attending church, the only thread that keeps me spiritually alive, I have too many connections, my church is my family, my friends, my world.  But if I was taken out of this world and put into another, I am convinced, given enough time and intoxication, I would succumb to it all, because there would be no immediate consequences to it.....BUT and this is another important "but" in my ramblings, would I truly be happy, knowing God is no longer in my life, that I shut his light out for pleasure, something temporary, something that will not last, something that could lead to eternal damnation.   Its like being addicted to heroine, sooner or later it will kill you, this would do the same, it would kill me spiritually.  Its a slippery slope and I am right at the precipice, looking down, wanting to taste it, but knowing if I fall, I may never get back up again.

More later.