BR 0.55656
Last Thursday was possibly one of the worst days of my life. I won't go into all the details of what happened, but the long and short of it was I got put on administrative leave without pay for 1 and half days for doing something I totally don't think was my fault. I decided to have someone cover the phones for me while I went to lunch, and apparently I was not supposed to do that. Rather than hashing out all the details of this event and the subsequent actions, I rather concentrate on why I feel the way I do and how I can overcome these feelings.
I am a strong believer that by journaling we can flesh out our thoughts in a constructive way and by doing this come up with clear and decisive ideas about what to do. To start out, I need to explain how I feel. I feel like shit, I feel bad, not normal, very mechanical and fearful. I have lost some of my apatite, I certainly don't feel horny at all and even struggled with wanting to masturbate at all. I feel guilty even to do it. When I think about why I feel bad, I find it hard to really dissect the true causes.
Part of it has to do with how I was treated by the person who put me on leave, the way he spoke to me, it came to be as a shock, I went into shock. I had not been treated that way since I was a little kid and felt the same way I did when I was fired from my last job nearly ten years ago now. Part of the pain is the feeling of loss, that I have lost respect by my co-workers, that I have been degraded, shamed. What I went through was humiliating, there are no two ways to look at it. I have tried to put on a brave face and deal with this one day at a time, to do my best, to forgive, but the pain inside me will not go away. The pain is also fear, fear of the unknown. I hope and pray that I can go back and re-read these words with such a foresight knowing how this all turns out. I have applied for so many jobs, it's ridiculous; but who will call me back? And if I do get called, how will I go about getting time off at work--after the mess I have been in--to fly to who knows where for a day to interview for a job I have no guarantee I will get. It's a horrible, expensive process. I don't know if I will be able to go to Colorado as planned, and that really bothers me.
There is so much stress and uncertainty at work right now, I don't know if I will be able to get away or not! I plan to do a PAID leave request in a few weeks, hopefully after some of this simmers down and I regain my footing. I just wish all of this would go away, all of this fear, but it won't, it stays with me. All I can think of is in time it will get less and less and I will find some way to be happy again, I don't know. I am certainly not happy now, that much is certain. I am not looking to date anyone as I think I will be leaving, but I don't know when and that is the uncertainty that is killing me. When will this all resolve? I am in some kind of limbo, stuck in a job I should not be in, and not knowing how long it will take for me to get out. But on the flip side, which is also compounding these feelings, is that I'm sad because I don't really want to move away from my friends, it's just my job is so bad I feel I have no choice. No matter how many people hug me, virtually, or in real life, it still seems the same...no trust, no comfort, no life...
Now I will go and apply for yet another job to get out of this place, I pray this all ends well.
Tuesday, May 28, 2013
Saturday, April 6, 2013
More on coming out, my life as a gay Christian
B.R.: 0.57743
The last 24 hours has been interesting. I think overall it has all been positive, but also challenging because all the information I'm receiving involves me making changes, albeit incremental, but changes nonetheless in my life. It's all about getting out of my comfort zone and accepting life's challenges face on. Before I can get into all of that, I think it's important that I detail what my challenges are:
1) I am single, 37, and lonely, very lonely I live alone in this house that I'm trying to sell and all I have for company is a cat. Now I have friends, well four friends that I consider close enough that I could go to them and spill my guts. I am involved with my church, yoga, and other activities, but all in all these things do not replace the need in my life for male intimacy. So this challenge is finding a partner in a town where dating someone may be difficult (more on this later).
2) My job sucks. I need a new job. I've been there for nine and half years, it's time for me to move on. All I do all day is enter in numbers into a spreadsheet and I have a master's degree. I need to move. This means getting off my butt and actually looking for a job, meanwhile I'm trying to sell my house--so far no luck.
3) Coming Out. Related to No. 1, but different in that I need to be honest with my straight friends about where I am and also to my parents. I am living in an interesting time and place in history, where the gay movement has come to my town and I need to decide once and for all where I stand on the issue. Beyond just being supportive of the cause (I will go more into this aspect as well).
4) Finding and living out my sexual identity. Okay, so I've said I'm gay, great. But what does that really mean? I mean I would love to explore what it would be like to be with another man. Someone I'm really attracted to, but any reader of my blog knows that I am more than just gay. Saying I'm gay and leaving it at that is the easy part, but it's a cop out. I am a fetishist, I have three main fetishes. These are: gear (athletic gear, shorts, skater shoes, military, etc.); ABDL an adult baby/ diaper lover (this one is less influential these days, but is still there and is still something that can get me horny; and what I have coined as a "masturbation fetish". This one is less defined, but is definitely a separate thing. This is where the whole "let's get dumb and horny and jerk off and get addicted to it", comes in. Read my past entries for more on that!
So this all boils down to coming out to friends and family, finding a job, selling my house, moving away, finding a boyfriend, and defining and living out my sexual identity with said boyfriend Talk about change, this is it!
So what's happened to trigger all of this? Well, as I alluded to, I am living in turbulent times. But before I get into that, I will say that I had a random conversation with someone last night that convicted me to find a new job, that it is time for me to "move on". This seems to play into me wanting to sell my house and me coming out. I could move to a more "gay-friendly" town, etc. However, I am a person that does not cope well with a lot of change, so I have honestly gotten a little too comfortable here in my town, doing my brainless job everyday. It is easy, and making it easy means I am getting too relaxed, do I want to live alone in this house, in this small town when I'm 40? How about 50 or 60! That is scary. I must accept change, and not allow sentiment; or worse, laziness; stand in the way of my advancement. The economy is better, so I can't use that excuse anymore. So step 1 is to start looking for jobs...
Secondly, I live in turbulent times where the gay debate is raging and has come into the public sphere in a big way in my town. This has come from my church which has hosted a gay man, a friend I just met with this morning, about what it means to reconcile his faith and sexuality with the outcome that being gay is okay and acceptable for a Christian. So in this context, I have come out to my priest and he has in turned asked me to be in a small group with other gay people in my area to go over a book about being a gay Christian. I look forward to this study to further clarify where I am and maybe help my family cope with me coming out, I don't know. So in some ways I don't want to move on quite yet until I at least get through this Bible study....if my house sells, I will rent until the time is right for me to really move away. On the other hand, I could blow off this study and just move away as the right opportunity presents itself, I don't know the timing of this is complicated and very unsettling! My heart says I need to hold off for just a few more months, but I don't know how practical that may be. So step 2, Pray about when to move, but this may be out of my control, a lot hinges on this house and when I will need to pull up stakes for good.
Thirdly, I need to come out to my friends, which will be hard, but as my friend this morning said, each time we are honest with ourselves, it only lifts more of that burden off of our shoulders and helps us be more healthy, tearing down walls we have built to maintain the secrecy and masks that we use to disguise who we really are. This will take courage, but it needs to be done. I will pray for the right moments to reveal what I can to who needs to know. My prediction is that this time next year most of my friends and all of my family will know the truth, albeit, I will still have walls regarding my fetishes, which are deeply personal and impossible for me to be open about with family members and friends, save for my brother who knows about my diapers in case something happens to me. So step 3, come out when the time is right. Need to make a commitment to them and myself that I am a gay man and that is okay.
Fourthly, I need to find a boyfriend, but does that make sense if I am moving away? It may in that I do know some gay people who are in different states I could perhaps move to, to hook up with them? My concern is that I want to find someone who is of faith in God as I really think that is key and that if I didn't, my faith would really go downhill, and that is just not acceptable. So the dating thing needs to go along with the move, but I think it needs to be where I end up landing, it makes no sense to date a guy here if I will be in another state in a year, does it?
Finally, and most importantly, I need to better define who I am sexually. I am exploring more and more on line and the more I look, the more I want to explore. There is a big masturbation fetish community, although they would not call themselves that, I believe the term is solo-sexual, edgers, gooners, etc., but I find that just being one of these addicted bators is not enough. I am, first and foremost, a fetishist, I physically need to wear sports gear, or some kind of iteration thereof, to get off. Seeing a man moan as he masturbates is not enough, but reading the words of an addicted bator, deepening his addiction ...oh boy, that is it! Does that make sense? Awhile back I wrote up my sexual ID, kind of a list of all the things that turn me on. My problem now is how do I engage into these things in a healthy way? I must acknowledge that lust does exist, and I do feel empty and used up when I bathe in porn. I think, dare I say, sin is in it. It's taking sex and turning it into a show to get off on, stripping it of its intimacy. So anyhow, I don't know that my conquest to masturbate myself to death is a healthy one, although it is a horny one! As you can see from my bate rate, I am doing is more, past the half way point now. So far in 2013 I have masturbated 56 times, and came for about 80% of that. So there is conflict between perceived morals and my penis--which is in control? Where is that healthy boundary? But deep down I know there needs to be a balance there without overbearing restrictions. It is the personal restrictions, however, that make me more horny when I break my own rules. So it can't be rules, it has to be something deeper. I think this problem is probably solved if I end up with a mate I love and we can do this on our own, masturbation is less important, and I am less lonely. So step 4, find a boyfriend who "gets me" sexually and is a Christian. Is this possible?
Whoa, that was a lot! I feel like I just throw up on all you readers out there! I have four steps that relate to each other in complicated and confusing ways. I will certainly keep posting to let you know how this all turns out! I appreciate you reading, I use this blog as a way to think out loud, my personal journal that happens to be available to the populace of the internet. Most people don't comment, and that is okay, you can just read, but if you do want to talk to me, please comments or email me at littleben176@yahoo.com. Thanks!
The last 24 hours has been interesting. I think overall it has all been positive, but also challenging because all the information I'm receiving involves me making changes, albeit incremental, but changes nonetheless in my life. It's all about getting out of my comfort zone and accepting life's challenges face on. Before I can get into all of that, I think it's important that I detail what my challenges are:
1) I am single, 37, and lonely, very lonely I live alone in this house that I'm trying to sell and all I have for company is a cat. Now I have friends, well four friends that I consider close enough that I could go to them and spill my guts. I am involved with my church, yoga, and other activities, but all in all these things do not replace the need in my life for male intimacy. So this challenge is finding a partner in a town where dating someone may be difficult (more on this later).
2) My job sucks. I need a new job. I've been there for nine and half years, it's time for me to move on. All I do all day is enter in numbers into a spreadsheet and I have a master's degree. I need to move. This means getting off my butt and actually looking for a job, meanwhile I'm trying to sell my house--so far no luck.
3) Coming Out. Related to No. 1, but different in that I need to be honest with my straight friends about where I am and also to my parents. I am living in an interesting time and place in history, where the gay movement has come to my town and I need to decide once and for all where I stand on the issue. Beyond just being supportive of the cause (I will go more into this aspect as well).
4) Finding and living out my sexual identity. Okay, so I've said I'm gay, great. But what does that really mean? I mean I would love to explore what it would be like to be with another man. Someone I'm really attracted to, but any reader of my blog knows that I am more than just gay. Saying I'm gay and leaving it at that is the easy part, but it's a cop out. I am a fetishist, I have three main fetishes. These are: gear (athletic gear, shorts, skater shoes, military, etc.); ABDL an adult baby/ diaper lover (this one is less influential these days, but is still there and is still something that can get me horny; and what I have coined as a "masturbation fetish". This one is less defined, but is definitely a separate thing. This is where the whole "let's get dumb and horny and jerk off and get addicted to it", comes in. Read my past entries for more on that!
So this all boils down to coming out to friends and family, finding a job, selling my house, moving away, finding a boyfriend, and defining and living out my sexual identity with said boyfriend Talk about change, this is it!
So what's happened to trigger all of this? Well, as I alluded to, I am living in turbulent times. But before I get into that, I will say that I had a random conversation with someone last night that convicted me to find a new job, that it is time for me to "move on". This seems to play into me wanting to sell my house and me coming out. I could move to a more "gay-friendly" town, etc. However, I am a person that does not cope well with a lot of change, so I have honestly gotten a little too comfortable here in my town, doing my brainless job everyday. It is easy, and making it easy means I am getting too relaxed, do I want to live alone in this house, in this small town when I'm 40? How about 50 or 60! That is scary. I must accept change, and not allow sentiment; or worse, laziness; stand in the way of my advancement. The economy is better, so I can't use that excuse anymore. So step 1 is to start looking for jobs...
Secondly, I live in turbulent times where the gay debate is raging and has come into the public sphere in a big way in my town. This has come from my church which has hosted a gay man, a friend I just met with this morning, about what it means to reconcile his faith and sexuality with the outcome that being gay is okay and acceptable for a Christian. So in this context, I have come out to my priest and he has in turned asked me to be in a small group with other gay people in my area to go over a book about being a gay Christian. I look forward to this study to further clarify where I am and maybe help my family cope with me coming out, I don't know. So in some ways I don't want to move on quite yet until I at least get through this Bible study....if my house sells, I will rent until the time is right for me to really move away. On the other hand, I could blow off this study and just move away as the right opportunity presents itself, I don't know the timing of this is complicated and very unsettling! My heart says I need to hold off for just a few more months, but I don't know how practical that may be. So step 2, Pray about when to move, but this may be out of my control, a lot hinges on this house and when I will need to pull up stakes for good.
Thirdly, I need to come out to my friends, which will be hard, but as my friend this morning said, each time we are honest with ourselves, it only lifts more of that burden off of our shoulders and helps us be more healthy, tearing down walls we have built to maintain the secrecy and masks that we use to disguise who we really are. This will take courage, but it needs to be done. I will pray for the right moments to reveal what I can to who needs to know. My prediction is that this time next year most of my friends and all of my family will know the truth, albeit, I will still have walls regarding my fetishes, which are deeply personal and impossible for me to be open about with family members and friends, save for my brother who knows about my diapers in case something happens to me. So step 3, come out when the time is right. Need to make a commitment to them and myself that I am a gay man and that is okay.
Fourthly, I need to find a boyfriend, but does that make sense if I am moving away? It may in that I do know some gay people who are in different states I could perhaps move to, to hook up with them? My concern is that I want to find someone who is of faith in God as I really think that is key and that if I didn't, my faith would really go downhill, and that is just not acceptable. So the dating thing needs to go along with the move, but I think it needs to be where I end up landing, it makes no sense to date a guy here if I will be in another state in a year, does it?
Finally, and most importantly, I need to better define who I am sexually. I am exploring more and more on line and the more I look, the more I want to explore. There is a big masturbation fetish community, although they would not call themselves that, I believe the term is solo-sexual, edgers, gooners, etc., but I find that just being one of these addicted bators is not enough. I am, first and foremost, a fetishist, I physically need to wear sports gear, or some kind of iteration thereof, to get off. Seeing a man moan as he masturbates is not enough, but reading the words of an addicted bator, deepening his addiction ...oh boy, that is it! Does that make sense? Awhile back I wrote up my sexual ID, kind of a list of all the things that turn me on. My problem now is how do I engage into these things in a healthy way? I must acknowledge that lust does exist, and I do feel empty and used up when I bathe in porn. I think, dare I say, sin is in it. It's taking sex and turning it into a show to get off on, stripping it of its intimacy. So anyhow, I don't know that my conquest to masturbate myself to death is a healthy one, although it is a horny one! As you can see from my bate rate, I am doing is more, past the half way point now. So far in 2013 I have masturbated 56 times, and came for about 80% of that. So there is conflict between perceived morals and my penis--which is in control? Where is that healthy boundary? But deep down I know there needs to be a balance there without overbearing restrictions. It is the personal restrictions, however, that make me more horny when I break my own rules. So it can't be rules, it has to be something deeper. I think this problem is probably solved if I end up with a mate I love and we can do this on our own, masturbation is less important, and I am less lonely. So step 4, find a boyfriend who "gets me" sexually and is a Christian. Is this possible?
Whoa, that was a lot! I feel like I just throw up on all you readers out there! I have four steps that relate to each other in complicated and confusing ways. I will certainly keep posting to let you know how this all turns out! I appreciate you reading, I use this blog as a way to think out loud, my personal journal that happens to be available to the populace of the internet. Most people don't comment, and that is okay, you can just read, but if you do want to talk to me, please comments or email me at littleben176@yahoo.com. Thanks!
Sunday, March 31, 2013
Updates and Other Stuff
BR: 0.52328
I had a real hard to trying to figure out what the title this post. Was tempted to use some form of "masturbation" or "pleasure", just to attract more viewers, but then thought better of that. The truth is masturbation is again on my mind, as always, when is it not, right? I think a lot of it has to do with my new goal of getting up to 70% by 12/31/13, which I seem to be exceeding at the moment and account of some very seductive hypnosis! Don't worry, I'm not wholly addicted to my penis, yet... ;-)
I think some of this new freedom relates to me coming out, see my past post. Now that I have gotten that out of the way and have received some affirmation about it I feel more freedom to explore my darker side. I mean, a masturbation addiction is not that bad, right? I mean, you get the pleasure for free and its my penis, so I can touch it as much as I like to, as long as I keep to my other obligations. I think for me, that is where the line is to when this is no longer a game, but becoming something more serious. As of now, I find it manageable and, dare I say? fun!
Sorry for the short post, but that is all I have for now. My coming out to my brother and sister is going well, feel free to PM me if you want more details! Until then, bate on!!
I had a real hard to trying to figure out what the title this post. Was tempted to use some form of "masturbation" or "pleasure", just to attract more viewers, but then thought better of that. The truth is masturbation is again on my mind, as always, when is it not, right? I think a lot of it has to do with my new goal of getting up to 70% by 12/31/13, which I seem to be exceeding at the moment and account of some very seductive hypnosis! Don't worry, I'm not wholly addicted to my penis, yet... ;-)
I think some of this new freedom relates to me coming out, see my past post. Now that I have gotten that out of the way and have received some affirmation about it I feel more freedom to explore my darker side. I mean, a masturbation addiction is not that bad, right? I mean, you get the pleasure for free and its my penis, so I can touch it as much as I like to, as long as I keep to my other obligations. I think for me, that is where the line is to when this is no longer a game, but becoming something more serious. As of now, I find it manageable and, dare I say? fun!
Sorry for the short post, but that is all I have for now. My coming out to my brother and sister is going well, feel free to PM me if you want more details! Until then, bate on!!
Sunday, March 17, 2013
Coming Out...the journey begins
Bate Rate: 0.4884
After thinking about yesterday's fun I asked myself a simple question, a question that now I realize has at last given me some clarity as to where I am sexually. Any reader of this blog knows that I am "trying to figure it out" and that basically means me reflecting on my beliefs and my personal convictions in a totally honest and heartfelt way. I have danced around the issue of my sexuality for a long time, going back and forth as to where I am. So going back to yesterday, I asked myself, if the voice on the hypnosis file had been a female, would I have had the reaction that I had? The answer is no. The file was done in such a way that it felt like the male voice was intimate, it was a very intimate expression, I felt close to this voice, like he was there with me, affirming me, encouraging me to experience pleasure as a form of my blissful stupidity (see my last post for details on this). That experience could not have been duplicated with a female - I got off on it more so because it was a guy, a guy speaking to me as a guy, wanting to be close to me, to be with me, to love me. I decided once and for all that I want to be with a guy, I am gay. I'm not asexual, bi, or anything in between, I am a gay man. This is a huge revelation for me, I have been trying to avoid the issue of my sexuality my whole life, always calling it something else, I'm not gay because I am not like them, I don't want to be effeminate, girly, etc. I don't want to be associated with the gay community and their perceived licentiousness. I wanted to be "normal" to be accepted and loved, but the more and more I am alone in this house with nothing but a cat to keep me company, the more I realize I cannot go on like this, living a charade for the rest of my life...no. I need to just do it and face the music, I need to just come out and get this over with.
I have resisted this for several reasons. I don't want to disappoint my mother, and my sister, who would not be in favor of me being gay. I don't want to bring some level of embarrassment to my family, now having two sons (my brother is gay) who are homosexuals. I don't want to loose my best friend who is not comfortable with me being gay. I know this would bring more strain on our friendship. I don't want to receive hate mail and loose my conservative Christian friends (of which I have many). I don't want to be singled out in this town as a gay man, who would not be accepted by the community I live in - I live in a very right wing, ultra-conservative, place. I know I need to do this, just deal with it and maybe move away to a place where there are more gay people I can meet, date, or whatever. It's just hard for me to move away, to pull up my roots, try to find some other job someplace, sell my house, etc. Is it worth it just to live somewhere that is more gay friendly? I don't know.
I know I don't want to just be part of this gay scene and go to gay bars and march in a the annual gay right parade, that is not my thing. I am a person who wants to fit in and be accepted. I know my church will be accepting of this, I'm Episcopal and they accept gay people unlike other churches, but I personally still have lingering questions about being gay and reconciling that with my faith as a Christian. How do I interpret Romans Chapter 1, for instance?
I feel though in my heart, that this is the right decision for me. How can God make me gay if it is a sin? I have a sin nature, I get that, but my attraction is to other guys, albeit a very narrow, specific type of guy, but nonetheless a youth, 20 something, athletic, slender, guy is who I want to be with. I can't help that, it's who I am, so is that a sin? I still need to work through this issue.
I will say though that I feel a weight has been listed off my shoulders now. I needed to just admit this, all the way, that this is who I am, a gay man and just deal with it. My next step is who do I reveal this to? My family, my rector? A another gay man I know? Do I just make a blanket announcement on Facebook and leave it at that? Do I tell no one and silently pursue a male relationship and reveal to those who are on a "need to know basis?" i.e. my family and close friends? There are so many questions, I know I am in a confused state over this, I don't want to come out of the closet, to admit this to others because I hate to bring attention to myself. Part of me wants to say that this is none of their business! I am only open now because anyone who reads this on line hopefully does not know my true identity. I want to blend in, I wear muted colors and earth tones, I like to blend in...it's kinda who I am, which, as you can see, is one of my main problems with the gay pride movement, I don't like to put myself out there like that - not my style AT ALL. But needless to say, even if I don't identity with the gay pride types, I am still gay, whether I like it or not, it is who I am.
So there it is, that's where I am at at the moment. I am debating e-mailing my sister about this, I think that will be my first step since I know she will be the one who has the biggest problem with this. But as my brother said, that is her issue not mine. I think I will email them both and then, in time, my parents.
After thinking about yesterday's fun I asked myself a simple question, a question that now I realize has at last given me some clarity as to where I am sexually. Any reader of this blog knows that I am "trying to figure it out" and that basically means me reflecting on my beliefs and my personal convictions in a totally honest and heartfelt way. I have danced around the issue of my sexuality for a long time, going back and forth as to where I am. So going back to yesterday, I asked myself, if the voice on the hypnosis file had been a female, would I have had the reaction that I had? The answer is no. The file was done in such a way that it felt like the male voice was intimate, it was a very intimate expression, I felt close to this voice, like he was there with me, affirming me, encouraging me to experience pleasure as a form of my blissful stupidity (see my last post for details on this). That experience could not have been duplicated with a female - I got off on it more so because it was a guy, a guy speaking to me as a guy, wanting to be close to me, to be with me, to love me. I decided once and for all that I want to be with a guy, I am gay. I'm not asexual, bi, or anything in between, I am a gay man. This is a huge revelation for me, I have been trying to avoid the issue of my sexuality my whole life, always calling it something else, I'm not gay because I am not like them, I don't want to be effeminate, girly, etc. I don't want to be associated with the gay community and their perceived licentiousness. I wanted to be "normal" to be accepted and loved, but the more and more I am alone in this house with nothing but a cat to keep me company, the more I realize I cannot go on like this, living a charade for the rest of my life...no. I need to just do it and face the music, I need to just come out and get this over with.
I have resisted this for several reasons. I don't want to disappoint my mother, and my sister, who would not be in favor of me being gay. I don't want to bring some level of embarrassment to my family, now having two sons (my brother is gay) who are homosexuals. I don't want to loose my best friend who is not comfortable with me being gay. I know this would bring more strain on our friendship. I don't want to receive hate mail and loose my conservative Christian friends (of which I have many). I don't want to be singled out in this town as a gay man, who would not be accepted by the community I live in - I live in a very right wing, ultra-conservative, place. I know I need to do this, just deal with it and maybe move away to a place where there are more gay people I can meet, date, or whatever. It's just hard for me to move away, to pull up my roots, try to find some other job someplace, sell my house, etc. Is it worth it just to live somewhere that is more gay friendly? I don't know.
I know I don't want to just be part of this gay scene and go to gay bars and march in a the annual gay right parade, that is not my thing. I am a person who wants to fit in and be accepted. I know my church will be accepting of this, I'm Episcopal and they accept gay people unlike other churches, but I personally still have lingering questions about being gay and reconciling that with my faith as a Christian. How do I interpret Romans Chapter 1, for instance?
I feel though in my heart, that this is the right decision for me. How can God make me gay if it is a sin? I have a sin nature, I get that, but my attraction is to other guys, albeit a very narrow, specific type of guy, but nonetheless a youth, 20 something, athletic, slender, guy is who I want to be with. I can't help that, it's who I am, so is that a sin? I still need to work through this issue.
I will say though that I feel a weight has been listed off my shoulders now. I needed to just admit this, all the way, that this is who I am, a gay man and just deal with it. My next step is who do I reveal this to? My family, my rector? A another gay man I know? Do I just make a blanket announcement on Facebook and leave it at that? Do I tell no one and silently pursue a male relationship and reveal to those who are on a "need to know basis?" i.e. my family and close friends? There are so many questions, I know I am in a confused state over this, I don't want to come out of the closet, to admit this to others because I hate to bring attention to myself. Part of me wants to say that this is none of their business! I am only open now because anyone who reads this on line hopefully does not know my true identity. I want to blend in, I wear muted colors and earth tones, I like to blend in...it's kinda who I am, which, as you can see, is one of my main problems with the gay pride movement, I don't like to put myself out there like that - not my style AT ALL. But needless to say, even if I don't identity with the gay pride types, I am still gay, whether I like it or not, it is who I am.
So there it is, that's where I am at at the moment. I am debating e-mailing my sister about this, I think that will be my first step since I know she will be the one who has the biggest problem with this. But as my brother said, that is her issue not mine. I think I will email them both and then, in time, my parents.
Saturday, March 16, 2013
Pleasurable Dumbness - Worth the Money!
Bate Rate: 0.4884
Well I've been naughty today and succumbed to a temptation to download a hypnosis file from warpmymind called Pleasurable Dumbness, I debated for sometime about whether or not to do it, it costs $10, but it was a great investment! The file really gets you down deeper than others I've tried and ultimately gets you to want to have a hard cock. (sorry for being vulgar, but you did click yes on sexual content when you opened this blog! :P ) Anyways, I jerked off three times today and this file is to blame. The orgasm on the last time was mind blowing as I was jerking off in my fleshjack as I was listening to it. I wrote in my log that this was the best one so far this year.... I think the file really hits on my deepest, darkest sexual desire.
I regret I don't have any profound things to reflect on other than the sheer pleasure of hedonism. It's hard to get away from, you know, your cock. I know I would have a very hard time giving this up. I also looked at how I was doing for my goal of 70%, one of the reasons I am opening up more now to masturbation is to meet this goal, right now at 48.8%; you can see that in my BR at the top.
Man I feel slow now, I think it was the file, hehe. Well that is about all I have to write, will revisit my path into masturbatory bliss in future posts. Until then, bate on!!
Oh, and if you are remotely into this "get dumb and feel good" fetish that I seem to have, I recommend the file, check it out!
Well I've been naughty today and succumbed to a temptation to download a hypnosis file from warpmymind called Pleasurable Dumbness, I debated for sometime about whether or not to do it, it costs $10, but it was a great investment! The file really gets you down deeper than others I've tried and ultimately gets you to want to have a hard cock. (sorry for being vulgar, but you did click yes on sexual content when you opened this blog! :P ) Anyways, I jerked off three times today and this file is to blame. The orgasm on the last time was mind blowing as I was jerking off in my fleshjack as I was listening to it. I wrote in my log that this was the best one so far this year.... I think the file really hits on my deepest, darkest sexual desire.
I regret I don't have any profound things to reflect on other than the sheer pleasure of hedonism. It's hard to get away from, you know, your cock. I know I would have a very hard time giving this up. I also looked at how I was doing for my goal of 70%, one of the reasons I am opening up more now to masturbation is to meet this goal, right now at 48.8%; you can see that in my BR at the top.
Man I feel slow now, I think it was the file, hehe. Well that is about all I have to write, will revisit my path into masturbatory bliss in future posts. Until then, bate on!!
Oh, and if you are remotely into this "get dumb and feel good" fetish that I seem to have, I recommend the file, check it out!
Sunday, February 24, 2013
Checking In
Bate Rate: 0.42958
So it has been awhile since I last blogged, I miss it, I need to blog more often. I found I need to just put it on my daily list of must get done things, as I had on my list for today! I've been so busy lately and it seems to show no signs of letting up!
Man, so where to start? My sex life, consisting of masturbation and solo sexual auto erotica, has been slow, to put it mildly. I think I find a sort of personal self-righteousness in not giving into my desires; this is in the footprints of Thomas Aquinas or even Epicurus, who said to obtain ultimate pleasure we need to refrain from it... interesting concept, but not sure if it is one I can aspire to. Sometimes my temptation is just to take the easy road, but I'm sad to report I am finding I have less and less sexual energy and drive now. I don't seem to have the desire to whack off, certainly not on a daily basis like I used to. Could this be a sign that I am past my sexual peak? I hope not, but fear that it is likely true, I'm not 16 anymore.
I'm also finding that I'm drawn to porn again, from time to time, because I like the idea of sexual arousal and fellatio between two youths over 18--not into pederasty, thank you! But I am a Christian too and in my heart I know seeing this pleasure between two guys in basketball shorts is a sin, as much as the images turn me on to orgasmic heights. At least I feel that seeking such content out is not right, well not right after I spill my seed. Fortunately, the temptation is not that great to go back, although I do think about it from time to time.
I know, too, that I have, in past entries, struggled about my personal sexuality. Am I gay, bi, asexual? None of the above? The more I am alone, the harder it seems for me to get out there and really explore my sexuality. I admit that there is fear still in me. I fear the reaction of me coming out in this small town I live in, I know I sound like some high school kid who can't be who he is, the problem with me is I don't want to know 100% who I am, I want to be in this space of gray, neither black or white, where it's safe. People can think I am gay and honestly I would not have a problem with that, since such thoughts would save me the trouble of having to be honest with them about who I like. Part of me feels this is intensely private, why should anyone really know who I prefer or what orientation I am?
I seem to be struggling and evolving in a world that is evolving around me. My church seems to be embracing more and more that homosexuality is acceptable. A group is starting up within my church that aims to be a safe place for gay lesbian bisexual and transgender people. They want to start a monthly "safe place" for those who are identified as GLBT to socialize and be who they are. Do I dare step out of my shell and join them as a "gay" person? For now, I am a very sympathetic supporter who is patiently waiting on the sidelines to see what is going to happen. I know that if I was to "come out" within my church community, I would be accepted. My family would be not be "happy" about it, but I don't think they would be shocked, I've had more than one person (well three people now) say that they thought I was gay, or could tell by how I carry myself, my personal mannerisms, that I am a gay man. I have to say that kind of bothers me, to be totally honest. I don't like the stereotype of a gay man, I don't like to be perceived as effeminate. So what? I like to have a nice house with nice things, decorated if you will, but does that make me some women-man? Less of a man? I am into sports gear, motocross, that is very masculine, right? At least I think it is. I think I will leave it at that, but I will say one more thing, this is a very significant roadblock for me to admit to anyone (who is straight that I don't know from on line) that I am gay.
The second big factor is my best friend, who is a very kind man, but one who firmly feels that homosexuality is a sin. I value his opinion and I think it would be so hard for me to face him to admit that I am going to be gay and live a gay lifestyle. He said he would still support me, but I can tell that it would put a serious strain on our relationship. I know that my goal is not to be a people pleaser, but part of me does not want to be hated, to be scorned. I know how hard it can be to be openly gay while in a small conservative town. Sure, if I was out in HS, and I had the courage, support and opportunity to let everyone around me know who I was and if I had not built this life that I find myself in, it would be easier. But I did not live that life, I did not accept this side of me for many, many years; and now I am stuck in the residue of what I have built, a perception of a straight single man who just seems to not be married. Is this who I am destined to be? Can I live like this for the rest of my life? To be alone? It helps that I am an introverts I don't mind having hours and hours alone, to do my own thing, but even introverts get lonely from time to time.
I would add one more complication to my sex life, or lack thereof. That is, I find myself not attracted to 90% of the men out there. There is a sliver, a 10% sliver, of youthful, slim, hairless guys into sports gear that I would not mind messing around with. Those are the ones with potential, but what on earth do I do with that? My only solution seems to live a double life one where I troll the internet for fleeting relationships that will ultimately break your heart (because they are not real). It's not like there are gay clubs where I live and even if there were, I doubt I would go to any--not while I am still confused and closeted. The problem is my type seems to only be found over the internet, and I don't see myself moving to who knows where for some guy I meet over the internet. So far in my dealings with the internet I have found dead ends and disappointments. So, once more, there are more stumbling blocks.
I can satisfy myself asexually. I am first and foremost a fetishist. I own the gear I have what I need, and I can afford to get more. But that is not a relationship, it is stuff. I still get lonely at nights. Sure, I have a community of people I associate with on the outside, who know that mask I present to the world, but not that many people know me for who I am deep down in terms of the dark recesses of the enigma of my sexuality,
Whoa, that was a really long post! I guess I have a lot on my chest to get off! I know that in the next year I will have to make some hard choices, I just pray that they will be the right ones. Yoga helps... a lot.
So it has been awhile since I last blogged, I miss it, I need to blog more often. I found I need to just put it on my daily list of must get done things, as I had on my list for today! I've been so busy lately and it seems to show no signs of letting up!
Man, so where to start? My sex life, consisting of masturbation and solo sexual auto erotica, has been slow, to put it mildly. I think I find a sort of personal self-righteousness in not giving into my desires; this is in the footprints of Thomas Aquinas or even Epicurus, who said to obtain ultimate pleasure we need to refrain from it... interesting concept, but not sure if it is one I can aspire to. Sometimes my temptation is just to take the easy road, but I'm sad to report I am finding I have less and less sexual energy and drive now. I don't seem to have the desire to whack off, certainly not on a daily basis like I used to. Could this be a sign that I am past my sexual peak? I hope not, but fear that it is likely true, I'm not 16 anymore.
I'm also finding that I'm drawn to porn again, from time to time, because I like the idea of sexual arousal and fellatio between two youths over 18--not into pederasty, thank you! But I am a Christian too and in my heart I know seeing this pleasure between two guys in basketball shorts is a sin, as much as the images turn me on to orgasmic heights. At least I feel that seeking such content out is not right, well not right after I spill my seed. Fortunately, the temptation is not that great to go back, although I do think about it from time to time.
I know, too, that I have, in past entries, struggled about my personal sexuality. Am I gay, bi, asexual? None of the above? The more I am alone, the harder it seems for me to get out there and really explore my sexuality. I admit that there is fear still in me. I fear the reaction of me coming out in this small town I live in, I know I sound like some high school kid who can't be who he is, the problem with me is I don't want to know 100% who I am, I want to be in this space of gray, neither black or white, where it's safe. People can think I am gay and honestly I would not have a problem with that, since such thoughts would save me the trouble of having to be honest with them about who I like. Part of me feels this is intensely private, why should anyone really know who I prefer or what orientation I am?
I seem to be struggling and evolving in a world that is evolving around me. My church seems to be embracing more and more that homosexuality is acceptable. A group is starting up within my church that aims to be a safe place for gay lesbian bisexual and transgender people. They want to start a monthly "safe place" for those who are identified as GLBT to socialize and be who they are. Do I dare step out of my shell and join them as a "gay" person? For now, I am a very sympathetic supporter who is patiently waiting on the sidelines to see what is going to happen. I know that if I was to "come out" within my church community, I would be accepted. My family would be not be "happy" about it, but I don't think they would be shocked, I've had more than one person (well three people now) say that they thought I was gay, or could tell by how I carry myself, my personal mannerisms, that I am a gay man. I have to say that kind of bothers me, to be totally honest. I don't like the stereotype of a gay man, I don't like to be perceived as effeminate. So what? I like to have a nice house with nice things, decorated if you will, but does that make me some women-man? Less of a man? I am into sports gear, motocross, that is very masculine, right? At least I think it is. I think I will leave it at that, but I will say one more thing, this is a very significant roadblock for me to admit to anyone (who is straight that I don't know from on line) that I am gay.
The second big factor is my best friend, who is a very kind man, but one who firmly feels that homosexuality is a sin. I value his opinion and I think it would be so hard for me to face him to admit that I am going to be gay and live a gay lifestyle. He said he would still support me, but I can tell that it would put a serious strain on our relationship. I know that my goal is not to be a people pleaser, but part of me does not want to be hated, to be scorned. I know how hard it can be to be openly gay while in a small conservative town. Sure, if I was out in HS, and I had the courage, support and opportunity to let everyone around me know who I was and if I had not built this life that I find myself in, it would be easier. But I did not live that life, I did not accept this side of me for many, many years; and now I am stuck in the residue of what I have built, a perception of a straight single man who just seems to not be married. Is this who I am destined to be? Can I live like this for the rest of my life? To be alone? It helps that I am an introverts I don't mind having hours and hours alone, to do my own thing, but even introverts get lonely from time to time.
I would add one more complication to my sex life, or lack thereof. That is, I find myself not attracted to 90% of the men out there. There is a sliver, a 10% sliver, of youthful, slim, hairless guys into sports gear that I would not mind messing around with. Those are the ones with potential, but what on earth do I do with that? My only solution seems to live a double life one where I troll the internet for fleeting relationships that will ultimately break your heart (because they are not real). It's not like there are gay clubs where I live and even if there were, I doubt I would go to any--not while I am still confused and closeted. The problem is my type seems to only be found over the internet, and I don't see myself moving to who knows where for some guy I meet over the internet. So far in my dealings with the internet I have found dead ends and disappointments. So, once more, there are more stumbling blocks.
I can satisfy myself asexually. I am first and foremost a fetishist. I own the gear I have what I need, and I can afford to get more. But that is not a relationship, it is stuff. I still get lonely at nights. Sure, I have a community of people I associate with on the outside, who know that mask I present to the world, but not that many people know me for who I am deep down in terms of the dark recesses of the enigma of my sexuality,
Whoa, that was a really long post! I guess I have a lot on my chest to get off! I know that in the next year I will have to make some hard choices, I just pray that they will be the right ones. Yoga helps... a lot.
Sunday, December 30, 2012
The End of the Year, How did I do?
Bate Rate: 0.59095
So here we are, December 30th, 2012. It is 1 o'clock in the afternoon. So literally 35 hours left in the year now. Wow, and what a year too! So as you can see from above I did NOT meet my goal. The tally is 216 sessions in 365 days, but this was a leap year, so.... in theory I could go tomorrow and add another, but I honestly don't think that's going to happen. Getting to 1.0 was a silly dream, now I know that there are others out there that do it and in fact do more than that! But I am not one of those addicted bator types, despite what all of you may think of me based off of my past blog posts. You see, I like to make myself "think" I am one of those people, as thinking I am somehow adds to my pleasure. But that is the difference between fantasy and reality.
I should also share with you all that I have added some more constraints to my masturbation sessions. I am hesitant to really share this because I know people do really read this blog (much to my surprise, I guess everything on the net is read if it's written). But I will say that I use some weather related data as an environmental factor to govern, if I will, if I do will not. (On a side note, weather watching is one of my hobbies.) I know, if I am pro masturbation why would I do this? Just go when I have the urge, right? Well I have found that I do need some kind of system of limitations that is outside of myself. For one it makes the sessions more meaningful to me to know that is is something that I can do within the confines of an external system (I know I'm sounding very nerdy, but I'm nerdy about some things, I get this from my dad!). Anyways, I have enjoyed this secondary system to the game that has been in place since around 12/20, so I am on day 10 of that. So far it has gone very well, and I plan to implement it for the foreseeable future, makes meeting my goals all the more challenging and interesting.
I am not really all that disappointed for loosing the game, I am really happy to have the data, to be honest. How many sessions, etc. It tells me if I am masturbating too much, or not enough! I guess now I have to ask you all, what should my "batting" average be for 2013? Again, the rule is if you divide the sessions by days of the year. 365 sessions / 365 days = 1.0 batting average. That's it. I got 59.095% Should I aim for 70% next year? Keep it down to 50%, email me or comment on this post, my email is littleben176@yahoo.com
I do want to say one more thing...a while ago I had an entry I called "Bate World" regarding a certain website for masturbators. I have had two comments, you can see them for yourself, on that post. If you want to meet me on that site, please feel free to do so, my screen name is MXbator. Since I am in to motorcross, you all know why if you read this blog, lol.
Okay, that's it for now, not really depressed or anything today so I don't have much to ponder or complain about, I hope everyone has a happy New Year! Remember, let me know what you want me to do! Who knows, I might just go for it! Bate on in 2013!
So here we are, December 30th, 2012. It is 1 o'clock in the afternoon. So literally 35 hours left in the year now. Wow, and what a year too! So as you can see from above I did NOT meet my goal. The tally is 216 sessions in 365 days, but this was a leap year, so.... in theory I could go tomorrow and add another, but I honestly don't think that's going to happen. Getting to 1.0 was a silly dream, now I know that there are others out there that do it and in fact do more than that! But I am not one of those addicted bator types, despite what all of you may think of me based off of my past blog posts. You see, I like to make myself "think" I am one of those people, as thinking I am somehow adds to my pleasure. But that is the difference between fantasy and reality.
I should also share with you all that I have added some more constraints to my masturbation sessions. I am hesitant to really share this because I know people do really read this blog (much to my surprise, I guess everything on the net is read if it's written). But I will say that I use some weather related data as an environmental factor to govern, if I will, if I do will not. (On a side note, weather watching is one of my hobbies.) I know, if I am pro masturbation why would I do this? Just go when I have the urge, right? Well I have found that I do need some kind of system of limitations that is outside of myself. For one it makes the sessions more meaningful to me to know that is is something that I can do within the confines of an external system (I know I'm sounding very nerdy, but I'm nerdy about some things, I get this from my dad!). Anyways, I have enjoyed this secondary system to the game that has been in place since around 12/20, so I am on day 10 of that. So far it has gone very well, and I plan to implement it for the foreseeable future, makes meeting my goals all the more challenging and interesting.
I am not really all that disappointed for loosing the game, I am really happy to have the data, to be honest. How many sessions, etc. It tells me if I am masturbating too much, or not enough! I guess now I have to ask you all, what should my "batting" average be for 2013? Again, the rule is if you divide the sessions by days of the year. 365 sessions / 365 days = 1.0 batting average. That's it. I got 59.095% Should I aim for 70% next year? Keep it down to 50%, email me or comment on this post, my email is littleben176@yahoo.com
I do want to say one more thing...a while ago I had an entry I called "Bate World" regarding a certain website for masturbators. I have had two comments, you can see them for yourself, on that post. If you want to meet me on that site, please feel free to do so, my screen name is MXbator. Since I am in to motorcross, you all know why if you read this blog, lol.
Okay, that's it for now, not really depressed or anything today so I don't have much to ponder or complain about, I hope everyone has a happy New Year! Remember, let me know what you want me to do! Who knows, I might just go for it! Bate on in 2013!
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