0.8044
So last night I actually said the words, "I devote myself to cock." This is a huge new step for me, as it really pits my faith in direct conflict with devotion to cock worship and masturbation as a lifetime goal. I am still struggling with this, so much so that this morning I decided to call off the lenten challenge, as it was putting way too much focus on masturbation when the goal was really to not cum unless it was a Sunday. I ofcourse recanted my earlier statement as something I said in the heat of lust and the moment. But things like this are increasingly happening.
It curious to me why this is so. Why me, who have so many fetishes and places I can go to, why am I so drawn to the idea of making my masturbation into a new religion? Into something that replaces God? As I thought about this today, it came to me that my faith is the only thing that is really stopping me from going into this all they way, to the point where it is not moral standards holding me back, but practical ones, eating, sleeping, job, keeping up appearances, but in my private life, my devotion is to cock. It also occurred to me that giving control over to your penis is in the same way of losing control. Control of mind: Getting Dumb; Control of bladder: Diapers; Control of Faith: Cock Worship. Its all the same thing, just different variations on the theme of losing control, losing the things that hold you back from entering into ultimate pleasure and satisfaction. I keep telling myself, that I don't need that for satisfaction, for pleasure, but this is like a drug and masturbation is psychological. My penis only wants pleasure, and anything that stops that pleasure is to be replaced. I have given myself over to unguilty frequent masturbation as a way of life, now this is the next step in my journey, this is why I am so attracted to this, its the doorway, the final doorway into ultimate pleasure.
I find myself drawn to the same blogs again and again, seeking in vain for new material to feed this new desire of making my penis my new god. When searches don't turn up what I am looking for I keep telling myself that there is nothing out there, but I can't believe that, my ID, my desire keeps searching, searching for a temple of cock that I can secretly watch, partake in their dark pleasurable rituals, but only secretly, and only at a distance, because I can't do this all the way, I can't actually say I am no longer a Christian and now am a cock worshipper. I might as well say I am a devil worshipper, they seem to be very close.
So where does this all lead to now? I think in the coming days and months I will continue to use this blog as the title says, to figure it all out, for me. Who knows, maybe I will be a cock worshipper for a little while, try it out, see how it feels to abandon all to my cock, to masturbate as much as possible, to devote all my time to porn and masturbation and not allow myself to stop from seeking out my darkest pleasures--but that will have a cost, this does not happen without consequence. And that is real. I would have to give up part of who I am, part of who I portray to the world. I am not likely to stop attending church, the only thread that keeps me spiritually alive, I have too many connections, my church is my family, my friends, my world. But if I was taken out of this world and put into another, I am convinced, given enough time and intoxication, I would succumb to it all, because there would be no immediate consequences to it.....BUT and this is another important "but" in my ramblings, would I truly be happy, knowing God is no longer in my life, that I shut his light out for pleasure, something temporary, something that will not last, something that could lead to eternal damnation. Its like being addicted to heroine, sooner or later it will kill you, this would do the same, it would kill me spiritually. Its a slippery slope and I am right at the precipice, looking down, wanting to taste it, but knowing if I fall, I may never get back up again.
More later.
Wednesday, March 12, 2014
Saturday, March 8, 2014
Cock Worship - A Tough Crossroads
BR. 0.7956
Well today is day three of my experiment with masturbation everyday without climax or orgasm. I have to say, so far it has gone very well, and I am enjoying this, the need to climax grows each day and with each session. Today, I masturbated more than I usually do, which is why my rate is rising. I think that my lack of climax has allowed me to delve a little deeper into my fetishes and really think more and more about them, as the desire to beat off is always there.
I have spent some time on bateworld today and that site has really encouraged me to get into this more, but I am increasingly finding myself on the the edge (no pun intended) of how far I can take this and still claim that I am a God fearing Christian. While I was getting off this afternoon, reading some of the blogs, I read that some of the most devoted addicted masturbators were once like me, men of faith, but they had abandoned their beliefs to devote themselves totally to cock worship, in that cock has become their new God and masturbation their worship of it. It makes sense, really, masturbation reaps its own immediate rewards, and there really is a pull or temptation to just give into it, as they promise so many pleasures from that, that it will be even better once I give in, and what I mean by give in, is to hold nothing back, not faith, not job, relationship, responsibilities, nothing. That all energies goes to worshipping my cock and in that I will goon out and become so happy in the process, or as I have read.
I know no one really responds to my posts, at least not directly, not for a long time, so I really can't poll people out there as to the real downside to this. I want to know the costs. I think I know them already, but wold love to talk to someone who has been down this road and can reflect objectively. Maybe such a person does not exist, I don't know. But I just can't fully jump into cock worship as much as I want to, not without still being a committed Christian. I just wish it wasn't one extreme or the other. the all or nothing approach. I mean, why does there have to be a choice at all? Why can't I be a Christian masturbator? What is hard, and this is a big one, is learning how to not make this into a false god, an idol. If I call myself a Christian, than there are certain limitations as to what I can do, and the big one is I can't call my cock a God, whether it suits me or not. That is just some false religion that formally religious people have made up to replace their former devotions, upon turning into their desires fully without inhibition. I suppose these people have no fear of hell, or simply have become complete atheists. There is no God, so masturbate up and have a good time! My problem is I don't believe that.
As I write these words, it is becoming clearer to me. That is one of the reasons I keep this blog, to flesh out my thoughts and feelings. But what is clearer now is that my belief system does have consequences, it is real, and there are limits, whether I like it or not. If this is for real, if there is a real God out there, then this not a game. God does not want his people to worship their dicks, I'm sorry, but I have to draw a line, as much as I wish I was on the other side of this, giving in totally to the addiction and cock devotion, as pleasurable as that sounds.
I know that there are forces out there fighting over my soul. My faith is on a shoe string, nothing like it was ten years ago when I called myself an evangelical Christian. To be honest, I find it hard to pray, hard to relate to God, I use the church as my crutch, to bolster my faith, but I am leaving myself open for attack, to be drawn into these ideas of full abandon. It goes back to one, if not the strongest, fetish I have, the one I really try to avoid, my blasphemy fetish. I find myself looking for yahoo grounds and places on line where there are ex-Christians who are addicted masturbators, living it up....I am somehow drawn to that, maybe because I secretly wish I was one of them, but I dare not enter into that, I dare not!
Why, you ask? I believe God is real and I believe there is a real place called hell, and if I do that, I will undoubtedly go there. Fear, in my case, is stronger than love, and that is so messed up. Christianity is all about love, and being in relationship with God, but is not the lack of relationship that bothers me, it is fear of hell, because I am lead to believe it is the worst of the worst, some horrible torturous place I would be trapped in for eternity. So I am lead to a cross roads, I have been here before, many times. Do I turn and forget about hell and focus on pleasure, making my outward faith a mere facade? I can't that is so wrong on so many levels, taking communion with an uncontrite heart is a sin. So you see I can't go there, my choice is plain, I must not make this a religious thing, I must thank God for the opportunity and do what I am going to do, but not make it apostasy.
Even if I was to deny Christ, live it up, the pleasure so intense, so wonderful, would it last? Would it save me at the time of death, or have simply been an empty idol, a false god. We are no immortal, sooner or later we will all meet our makers. I will post more (none of this changes my plan, just gives me pause).
Remaining conflicted, but trying to hold on, Adam.
----- Update -----
B.R. .8075
I failed. As soon as I was done writing this blog I did look for ex-Christian and cock worship and sure enough I ran across a Satanic Power blog (yeah, I really know how to pick em huh?) that talked about how we were to be our own Gods and that would give us an hard cock, and I masturbated to it and cam. What can I say, I failed, not only did I not abide by my own lenten promise to not cum unless is was a Sunday (today is Saturday), I also went onto to seeking out the very thing I was warning against earlier. What can I say? My flesh is weak, but He will make me strong, Lord have mercy on my poor soul. I am not pleased with myself, although the release felt sooooo good, that is sort of why I feel guilty, a true guilty pleasure. I wish I didn't have to be like this, i wish things could be different and this would be okay, but I see no way around this conflict, I just have to redirect this blasphemy fetish thing to somewhere healthy. I will pray about this.
Well today is day three of my experiment with masturbation everyday without climax or orgasm. I have to say, so far it has gone very well, and I am enjoying this, the need to climax grows each day and with each session. Today, I masturbated more than I usually do, which is why my rate is rising. I think that my lack of climax has allowed me to delve a little deeper into my fetishes and really think more and more about them, as the desire to beat off is always there.
I have spent some time on bateworld today and that site has really encouraged me to get into this more, but I am increasingly finding myself on the the edge (no pun intended) of how far I can take this and still claim that I am a God fearing Christian. While I was getting off this afternoon, reading some of the blogs, I read that some of the most devoted addicted masturbators were once like me, men of faith, but they had abandoned their beliefs to devote themselves totally to cock worship, in that cock has become their new God and masturbation their worship of it. It makes sense, really, masturbation reaps its own immediate rewards, and there really is a pull or temptation to just give into it, as they promise so many pleasures from that, that it will be even better once I give in, and what I mean by give in, is to hold nothing back, not faith, not job, relationship, responsibilities, nothing. That all energies goes to worshipping my cock and in that I will goon out and become so happy in the process, or as I have read.
I know no one really responds to my posts, at least not directly, not for a long time, so I really can't poll people out there as to the real downside to this. I want to know the costs. I think I know them already, but wold love to talk to someone who has been down this road and can reflect objectively. Maybe such a person does not exist, I don't know. But I just can't fully jump into cock worship as much as I want to, not without still being a committed Christian. I just wish it wasn't one extreme or the other. the all or nothing approach. I mean, why does there have to be a choice at all? Why can't I be a Christian masturbator? What is hard, and this is a big one, is learning how to not make this into a false god, an idol. If I call myself a Christian, than there are certain limitations as to what I can do, and the big one is I can't call my cock a God, whether it suits me or not. That is just some false religion that formally religious people have made up to replace their former devotions, upon turning into their desires fully without inhibition. I suppose these people have no fear of hell, or simply have become complete atheists. There is no God, so masturbate up and have a good time! My problem is I don't believe that.
As I write these words, it is becoming clearer to me. That is one of the reasons I keep this blog, to flesh out my thoughts and feelings. But what is clearer now is that my belief system does have consequences, it is real, and there are limits, whether I like it or not. If this is for real, if there is a real God out there, then this not a game. God does not want his people to worship their dicks, I'm sorry, but I have to draw a line, as much as I wish I was on the other side of this, giving in totally to the addiction and cock devotion, as pleasurable as that sounds.
I know that there are forces out there fighting over my soul. My faith is on a shoe string, nothing like it was ten years ago when I called myself an evangelical Christian. To be honest, I find it hard to pray, hard to relate to God, I use the church as my crutch, to bolster my faith, but I am leaving myself open for attack, to be drawn into these ideas of full abandon. It goes back to one, if not the strongest, fetish I have, the one I really try to avoid, my blasphemy fetish. I find myself looking for yahoo grounds and places on line where there are ex-Christians who are addicted masturbators, living it up....I am somehow drawn to that, maybe because I secretly wish I was one of them, but I dare not enter into that, I dare not!
Why, you ask? I believe God is real and I believe there is a real place called hell, and if I do that, I will undoubtedly go there. Fear, in my case, is stronger than love, and that is so messed up. Christianity is all about love, and being in relationship with God, but is not the lack of relationship that bothers me, it is fear of hell, because I am lead to believe it is the worst of the worst, some horrible torturous place I would be trapped in for eternity. So I am lead to a cross roads, I have been here before, many times. Do I turn and forget about hell and focus on pleasure, making my outward faith a mere facade? I can't that is so wrong on so many levels, taking communion with an uncontrite heart is a sin. So you see I can't go there, my choice is plain, I must not make this a religious thing, I must thank God for the opportunity and do what I am going to do, but not make it apostasy.
Even if I was to deny Christ, live it up, the pleasure so intense, so wonderful, would it last? Would it save me at the time of death, or have simply been an empty idol, a false god. We are no immortal, sooner or later we will all meet our makers. I will post more (none of this changes my plan, just gives me pause).
Remaining conflicted, but trying to hold on, Adam.
----- Update -----
B.R. .8075
I failed. As soon as I was done writing this blog I did look for ex-Christian and cock worship and sure enough I ran across a Satanic Power blog (yeah, I really know how to pick em huh?) that talked about how we were to be our own Gods and that would give us an hard cock, and I masturbated to it and cam. What can I say, I failed, not only did I not abide by my own lenten promise to not cum unless is was a Sunday (today is Saturday), I also went onto to seeking out the very thing I was warning against earlier. What can I say? My flesh is weak, but He will make me strong, Lord have mercy on my poor soul. I am not pleased with myself, although the release felt sooooo good, that is sort of why I feel guilty, a true guilty pleasure. I wish I didn't have to be like this, i wish things could be different and this would be okay, but I see no way around this conflict, I just have to redirect this blasphemy fetish thing to somewhere healthy. I will pray about this.
Sunday, March 2, 2014
40 days of masturbation!
B.R. 0.7934
Ok! I know its been yet another long interval of time since my last post, well over a month. Again, my apologies. I must say a lot has happened in the last month in terms of porn and masturbation. I wanted to journal about it, but I got myself so caught up into it I could never pull myself away long enough to reflect.
One, I discovered Tumblr. Yes, another blog, but I find this one more accessible for finding images and videos that prove exciting and stimulating, and also pretty much in line with my many kinks. So that site was akin to adding the oil to the flame of my internal passions.
Two, I re-discovered my primary love of diapers. Wearing them, getting off in them, fantasizing about loosing bladder control in them, and especially reading about others out there doing the same.
Three, I have come to a point in my faith where I think masturbation really needs to be celebrated (not tolerated) and really brought into the idea of worship of God through the life experiences that exist, and for me that is the pleasure of gratification.
So I have devised a lenten challenge, I want to masturbate each day, but only cum on Sundays, so Monday-Saturday, I'm edging. A session has to be a minimum of three minutes long. They should be done at the close of the day after prayers and reading scripture. Again, the idea is is incorporating it into my spiritual life as something holy to do before the Lord and that He can enter into that with me. Less focus on porn and more on the sensation, should not be hard since I am not climaxing.
That's basically it. Oh, and another thing. I got very, very close to getting a bate score of 1.0. I got up to 0.9135 on February 8th, but sadly I backed off since the electric wave of Tumblr began to wear off and I got into my old pattern. In any case, I am sure I will be able to get very close to that score again since I will be masturbating everyday starting this Wednesday. I plan to cum Tuesday, the last day before lent starts.
I'll try to blog again about my progress, and if you read this, don't be afraid to drop me a line to A encourage me, B) Join the challenge! or C) Just too say hi.
Ok! I know its been yet another long interval of time since my last post, well over a month. Again, my apologies. I must say a lot has happened in the last month in terms of porn and masturbation. I wanted to journal about it, but I got myself so caught up into it I could never pull myself away long enough to reflect.
One, I discovered Tumblr. Yes, another blog, but I find this one more accessible for finding images and videos that prove exciting and stimulating, and also pretty much in line with my many kinks. So that site was akin to adding the oil to the flame of my internal passions.
Two, I re-discovered my primary love of diapers. Wearing them, getting off in them, fantasizing about loosing bladder control in them, and especially reading about others out there doing the same.
Three, I have come to a point in my faith where I think masturbation really needs to be celebrated (not tolerated) and really brought into the idea of worship of God through the life experiences that exist, and for me that is the pleasure of gratification.
So I have devised a lenten challenge, I want to masturbate each day, but only cum on Sundays, so Monday-Saturday, I'm edging. A session has to be a minimum of three minutes long. They should be done at the close of the day after prayers and reading scripture. Again, the idea is is incorporating it into my spiritual life as something holy to do before the Lord and that He can enter into that with me. Less focus on porn and more on the sensation, should not be hard since I am not climaxing.
That's basically it. Oh, and another thing. I got very, very close to getting a bate score of 1.0. I got up to 0.9135 on February 8th, but sadly I backed off since the electric wave of Tumblr began to wear off and I got into my old pattern. In any case, I am sure I will be able to get very close to that score again since I will be masturbating everyday starting this Wednesday. I plan to cum Tuesday, the last day before lent starts.
I'll try to blog again about my progress, and if you read this, don't be afraid to drop me a line to A encourage me, B) Join the challenge! or C) Just too say hi.
Saturday, January 18, 2014
Sorry It's Been So Long
BR (2014) 0.57504
To anyone who reads this blog and cares about updates, if such a person exists, sorry for not updating this for literally one and half months. :( I have to admit that I have sort of gotten a bit burnt out with always journalling about the same (or similar) subjects. So I just took a little hiatus.
If you are interested about my masturbation history, hence the main theme of this blog, I masturbated 201 times in 2013, with a final BR of 0.555489. I did not meet my goal of .70. Furthermore, last year represents a decline of 16 sessions from the year before, 2012, which is a about an 8 percent decrease. Honestly I don't really care. I kind lost the desire to make masturbation stats a focus, and I honestly don't know why I continue to show you my rate, as hardly anyone comments on it, but nonetheless, I have it up for those who do care.
Now onto what I want to talk about. I have been feeling a dilemma brewing within more for the last few months, January is always the worst month for me as its my birthday month, which means I am a year older and still living essentially the same life I had for the last ten years +. Single, living alone in a small town, no girlfriend, still pretty much uncommitted as to my sexual orientation. Now I did "come out" last June and had a bit of a personal epiphany of sorts, I had at last made a stand on my sexuality with my family and a few other close friends, but after that revelation and reading a book, I feel like I have come back to where I was. I have been unwilling to step out there in my town as a gay man as I just don't feel that is who I am....despite everything I have been through, I still am not 100% gay, this means I am bi, which to me makes matters even worse, I have a choice, which way do I really go?
I know I am bi more so now than before, because I have seen boyish looking women, well one girl in particular, who I really find HOT, but I haven't the guts to ask her out as she is MUCH younger than me and frankly out of my circles, if you know what I mean, she is not a professional, just a girl who likes to party and whatnot. I know, I sound so harsh, but my attraction is strictly physical. But I bring this up to say I have heterosexual tendencies. On the other hand, I have all these fetishes which are wrapped up in maleness and seeing guys do their thing in gear....I am afraid, and I simply will not go into more detail on this on the internet, despite my supposed anonymity, of aspects of this love when it drive me to looking at younger men. It's just not....healthy. So I just don't know what to do. I have been thinking about signing up again for eHarmony.com, because I just don't see myself dating a man. I see my gay brother call his lover, "sweet heart" and seeing them hold hands, and my stomach heaves. It's weird, I don't know how else to explain it. They want to get married, which will also be very awkward for some members of my family.
But, I am pushing 40, 40! And I just don't think I can go on living alone for the rest of my life. I am an introvert, I think that is pretty obvious, but even introverts get lonely sometimes. I just need to settle down, find a girlfriend, sweep her off my feet and live happily ever after. I know that is a dream, a fairytale. Relationships take work, scarifies, cause a huge amount of pain to people, but would it not have been better to have at least tried, or died knowing I tried then to have just given up because I feel I am in the gray-lands between black and white? I set a time and date to start again on this new adventure of "love", I will date GIRLS and see what happens, surely somewhere out there, God has someone in mind for me that will make me happy, that will understand my kinks and get me, someone who turns me on sexually, surely. And if not, I guess I will look for a guy..... I just don't know what that will look like, it certainly will not be like my brother's relationship.
That's about it. I am thinking I will go to a concert tonight to just interact with people, who knows, maybe that girl I like will be there?
To anyone who reads this blog and cares about updates, if such a person exists, sorry for not updating this for literally one and half months. :( I have to admit that I have sort of gotten a bit burnt out with always journalling about the same (or similar) subjects. So I just took a little hiatus.
If you are interested about my masturbation history, hence the main theme of this blog, I masturbated 201 times in 2013, with a final BR of 0.555489. I did not meet my goal of .70. Furthermore, last year represents a decline of 16 sessions from the year before, 2012, which is a about an 8 percent decrease. Honestly I don't really care. I kind lost the desire to make masturbation stats a focus, and I honestly don't know why I continue to show you my rate, as hardly anyone comments on it, but nonetheless, I have it up for those who do care.
Now onto what I want to talk about. I have been feeling a dilemma brewing within more for the last few months, January is always the worst month for me as its my birthday month, which means I am a year older and still living essentially the same life I had for the last ten years +. Single, living alone in a small town, no girlfriend, still pretty much uncommitted as to my sexual orientation. Now I did "come out" last June and had a bit of a personal epiphany of sorts, I had at last made a stand on my sexuality with my family and a few other close friends, but after that revelation and reading a book, I feel like I have come back to where I was. I have been unwilling to step out there in my town as a gay man as I just don't feel that is who I am....despite everything I have been through, I still am not 100% gay, this means I am bi, which to me makes matters even worse, I have a choice, which way do I really go?
I know I am bi more so now than before, because I have seen boyish looking women, well one girl in particular, who I really find HOT, but I haven't the guts to ask her out as she is MUCH younger than me and frankly out of my circles, if you know what I mean, she is not a professional, just a girl who likes to party and whatnot. I know, I sound so harsh, but my attraction is strictly physical. But I bring this up to say I have heterosexual tendencies. On the other hand, I have all these fetishes which are wrapped up in maleness and seeing guys do their thing in gear....I am afraid, and I simply will not go into more detail on this on the internet, despite my supposed anonymity, of aspects of this love when it drive me to looking at younger men. It's just not....healthy. So I just don't know what to do. I have been thinking about signing up again for eHarmony.com, because I just don't see myself dating a man. I see my gay brother call his lover, "sweet heart" and seeing them hold hands, and my stomach heaves. It's weird, I don't know how else to explain it. They want to get married, which will also be very awkward for some members of my family.
But, I am pushing 40, 40! And I just don't think I can go on living alone for the rest of my life. I am an introvert, I think that is pretty obvious, but even introverts get lonely sometimes. I just need to settle down, find a girlfriend, sweep her off my feet and live happily ever after. I know that is a dream, a fairytale. Relationships take work, scarifies, cause a huge amount of pain to people, but would it not have been better to have at least tried, or died knowing I tried then to have just given up because I feel I am in the gray-lands between black and white? I set a time and date to start again on this new adventure of "love", I will date GIRLS and see what happens, surely somewhere out there, God has someone in mind for me that will make me happy, that will understand my kinks and get me, someone who turns me on sexually, surely. And if not, I guess I will look for a guy..... I just don't know what that will look like, it certainly will not be like my brother's relationship.
That's about it. I am thinking I will go to a concert tonight to just interact with people, who knows, maybe that girl I like will be there?
Friday, November 1, 2013
Update Time
BR 0.58
So you are wondering why it has taken me this long to contribute to this blog, I have to say my only excuse at the present quarter is apathy. I have received several comments from you, my faithful readers, wanting me to go more in depth about my masturbation experiences. I appreciate the feedback, but I think I will not make that my life focus, as it seems that that subject has dominated others recently. Don't get me wrong, I am all for masturbation, but what else is there to really talk about on the subject, other than just going over the same details I have before; the various intricacies of my fetishes and the fact that they, in some way, have prevented me from entering into a meaningful relationship with someone? These are always going to be background issues for me, no matter what time or season of life I find myself in.
With all that said, I think I will try to broaden the scope of my on line journal to other issues and thoughts as they strike me. That is not to say that I will not journal about my sexual identity, masturbation, fetishes and the like, it just won't be the only thing I write about. That is all I have time for at the moment, just wanted to let you all know I am still out there figuring all this stuff out. Oh, and congrats to the Red Socks!
So you are wondering why it has taken me this long to contribute to this blog, I have to say my only excuse at the present quarter is apathy. I have received several comments from you, my faithful readers, wanting me to go more in depth about my masturbation experiences. I appreciate the feedback, but I think I will not make that my life focus, as it seems that that subject has dominated others recently. Don't get me wrong, I am all for masturbation, but what else is there to really talk about on the subject, other than just going over the same details I have before; the various intricacies of my fetishes and the fact that they, in some way, have prevented me from entering into a meaningful relationship with someone? These are always going to be background issues for me, no matter what time or season of life I find myself in.
With all that said, I think I will try to broaden the scope of my on line journal to other issues and thoughts as they strike me. That is not to say that I will not journal about my sexual identity, masturbation, fetishes and the like, it just won't be the only thing I write about. That is all I have time for at the moment, just wanted to let you all know I am still out there figuring all this stuff out. Oh, and congrats to the Red Socks!
Monday, September 2, 2013
Clocks versus Cocks: Decline into normalcy
BR .6324045
I definitely sense that I am in a period of decline as far as my masturbatory activity. This is clearly seen in the data I keep and am very proud of. My peak for this period, and I believe for the year, was on August 5th with a BR of .65458. This is higher than anything I achieved last year. But, as the title of this post indicates, this rate will not likely be attained again, unless I go on some crazy binge, which at the moment, I am not inclined to do.
So what happened? Well I have just gotten off of a major life roller coaster, where I was not sure if I was going to be moving, the anxiety alone shut down my masturbation--at least for the short term. I then have had things remarkably stabilize in a way I did not expect, and circumstances at work allowed me to stay on where I am for at least another 5 years. So then without a move looming, my life was allowed to return to somewhat a normal status, but with this the masturbation desires did not return. Now don't get me wrong, I have continued to masturbate about once every 2-3 days, but hardly the daily run I was at in the early part of August, before my interview and job offer.
This still does not explain why I have not returned. I think my interests have just shifted, I have realized that being a full time masturbator is not me, despite what I have written here in the past. I went ahead and cancelled my bateworld subscription when I came to realize how expensive it was, something like 25 bucks every couple of months, and that does add up. I kept thinking of the things I could buy with that money, which is the reason for my odd post title. What on earth do clocks have to do with anything?
Well I could not resist the cleverness of he title, the words only having one letter difference and the relevancy for me is that I am a clock collector, well sort of. I have a passion for time and time pieces, it goes along with my obsession with the weather and meteorological observations. Yes, it is true, I am not some super hot athlete who rides motocross all day, despite my aspirations to be like that, I do have another life with hobbies and interests outside of sex and gratification. So, all this is to say that I have a desire to buy a certain clock on eBay, and well the thought came to me that I am wasting money on a subscription, when I could use that same money for this clock I want to buy. Seems simple enough, but if you drill down, it shows a shift, a shift away from bateworld and into different hobbies.
I am no longer that interested in bateworld, as I feel I have already explored the site and have not really met anyone there of consequence. Don't get me wrong though, there are many fine people on that site, but I just feel that its all about masturbation and there is no real opportunity to really know anyone there is a meaningful way. So why be a member there? I may, in a few weeks, feel differently about all of this, but nothing I do can shed the utter emptiness I feel after cuming on bateworld. Its just so vapid, I need more. The excitement of being on that site has worn off, the expectations that I would get something out of the groups has worn off, masturbation addiction has worn off, I am no longer drawn to that leg of my trifecta.
So from here on out I plan to just masturbate when I feel like I want to, pretty much where I was before and much of my life, you cannot push or restrain it, that is the main lesson I have learned. It is its own governor. On a clock, the chime is governed by a fly wheel, and that keeps the chime movement in time so it won't chime too slow or fast, so it is the same with masturbation, there is--at least for me-- a built in governor, and your body simply makes it so you have no interest in getting horny when it knows you have had enough. And even if I want it to go faster, that internal fly wheel will keep me in time.
I definitely sense that I am in a period of decline as far as my masturbatory activity. This is clearly seen in the data I keep and am very proud of. My peak for this period, and I believe for the year, was on August 5th with a BR of .65458. This is higher than anything I achieved last year. But, as the title of this post indicates, this rate will not likely be attained again, unless I go on some crazy binge, which at the moment, I am not inclined to do.
So what happened? Well I have just gotten off of a major life roller coaster, where I was not sure if I was going to be moving, the anxiety alone shut down my masturbation--at least for the short term. I then have had things remarkably stabilize in a way I did not expect, and circumstances at work allowed me to stay on where I am for at least another 5 years. So then without a move looming, my life was allowed to return to somewhat a normal status, but with this the masturbation desires did not return. Now don't get me wrong, I have continued to masturbate about once every 2-3 days, but hardly the daily run I was at in the early part of August, before my interview and job offer.
This still does not explain why I have not returned. I think my interests have just shifted, I have realized that being a full time masturbator is not me, despite what I have written here in the past. I went ahead and cancelled my bateworld subscription when I came to realize how expensive it was, something like 25 bucks every couple of months, and that does add up. I kept thinking of the things I could buy with that money, which is the reason for my odd post title. What on earth do clocks have to do with anything?
Well I could not resist the cleverness of he title, the words only having one letter difference and the relevancy for me is that I am a clock collector, well sort of. I have a passion for time and time pieces, it goes along with my obsession with the weather and meteorological observations. Yes, it is true, I am not some super hot athlete who rides motocross all day, despite my aspirations to be like that, I do have another life with hobbies and interests outside of sex and gratification. So, all this is to say that I have a desire to buy a certain clock on eBay, and well the thought came to me that I am wasting money on a subscription, when I could use that same money for this clock I want to buy. Seems simple enough, but if you drill down, it shows a shift, a shift away from bateworld and into different hobbies.
I am no longer that interested in bateworld, as I feel I have already explored the site and have not really met anyone there of consequence. Don't get me wrong though, there are many fine people on that site, but I just feel that its all about masturbation and there is no real opportunity to really know anyone there is a meaningful way. So why be a member there? I may, in a few weeks, feel differently about all of this, but nothing I do can shed the utter emptiness I feel after cuming on bateworld. Its just so vapid, I need more. The excitement of being on that site has worn off, the expectations that I would get something out of the groups has worn off, masturbation addiction has worn off, I am no longer drawn to that leg of my trifecta.
So from here on out I plan to just masturbate when I feel like I want to, pretty much where I was before and much of my life, you cannot push or restrain it, that is the main lesson I have learned. It is its own governor. On a clock, the chime is governed by a fly wheel, and that keeps the chime movement in time so it won't chime too slow or fast, so it is the same with masturbation, there is--at least for me-- a built in governor, and your body simply makes it so you have no interest in getting horny when it knows you have had enough. And even if I want it to go faster, that internal fly wheel will keep me in time.
Saturday, August 17, 2013
Life Decision
BR 0.64774
I have not masturbated for six days. I cannot think of another time, except maybe when I was on vacation, when I have not done it for this long. I am not on some plan of action to stop, or any major changes of heart on my past reflections on the pleasures and joys of masturbation. No, what has happened is my life has figuratively turned upside down. There is a strong possibility that I will be moving out of state. The issue is my current employer is fighting to keep me where I am. Part of me loathes the thought of moving, pulling up my roots, leaving friends, programs I'm involved with, everything to move to a strange city all for the glory of more money and more experience, to advance my career.
I think I would not be freaking out if I just knew that it was a sure thing, that I will definitely move and I need to start the moving process of packing, finding a new place, saying good buy to friends, but without that clarity of decision, I am left in an impossible position of waiting until Monday to find out what my employer is willing to do to keep me where I am and if that is enough for me to tell my future employer, "thanks, but no thanks." This would screw them over, but in the end I need to do what is in my best interest. So now it is just a painful, excruciating waiting game. I want to drop clues to people that I may be gone in two weeks, but if I am not going, then it would all be pointless. I already have told several people, mostly professional colleagues, that I am leaving, but this was all before I found out that my current employer is willing to fight for me. It is the ever shifting equation that is making my decision impossible and the longer I am in this state of unclarity, the more difficult it is for me to cope.
It may turn out that the last Sunday I am at my church is the same Sunday I let people know I am leaving. I know those of you out there who do not attend church may not think much of this, but as a single guy in a smaller town, the church for me has been my lifeblood. It is my social group, I have some very good friends there and the fact that I would leave the same day I tell them I am leaving will make my leaving all the more painful for them, and for me too. I guess this is what life is about, we have these period of uncertainty and indecision.
I have had others tell me that this is a great place to be, that I am being fought over means that I am the one who wins, I will better my situation as a result. The problem lies in that fact of the professional realities of me staying where I am. I am in a profession that seems to provide more advantages to those who seek out more advanced opportunities. I know I am being cryptic here, but given the nature of this blog, I am not going to reveal who I am. Just know that if I don't leave where I am and I am not taking on increasing responsibilities, then it would be detrimental for my career and the ability to seek out other employment in the future. I am not saying that it would be the worst for me if I was to stay, just much, much harder to leave in the future if I do decide to remain here. Nothing wrong with that, I would just need to decide if that is what I want to do with my life. I live in a small town and if you read this blog, you know I am gay, so.... it seems that to be in a relationship with another guy, it would be better for me to be in a City where there would be less judgement on me for living out that lifestyle. So the scales seems to be on the side of me moving, but....there are such strong forces that are wanting to keep me here, both internal and external. The fact I have no place I can call home, if I was to stay, where I am would be my home, there would be no doubt about that anymore.
I want to ramble on, but feel I would be getting diminishing returns on doing that, I will be typing and typing in circles and I am not sure I would have any more clarity on my situation. In fact I know I would not because everything hinges on what my current employer can do for me, how much money are we talking about here? So there it is, I will post more when I know what I am doing and maybe then my life will return to normal, for now though I don't feel like bating at all, just too much on edge about everything, but I may do it anyway to take off the edge....while edging! LOL Laters....
I have not masturbated for six days. I cannot think of another time, except maybe when I was on vacation, when I have not done it for this long. I am not on some plan of action to stop, or any major changes of heart on my past reflections on the pleasures and joys of masturbation. No, what has happened is my life has figuratively turned upside down. There is a strong possibility that I will be moving out of state. The issue is my current employer is fighting to keep me where I am. Part of me loathes the thought of moving, pulling up my roots, leaving friends, programs I'm involved with, everything to move to a strange city all for the glory of more money and more experience, to advance my career.
I think I would not be freaking out if I just knew that it was a sure thing, that I will definitely move and I need to start the moving process of packing, finding a new place, saying good buy to friends, but without that clarity of decision, I am left in an impossible position of waiting until Monday to find out what my employer is willing to do to keep me where I am and if that is enough for me to tell my future employer, "thanks, but no thanks." This would screw them over, but in the end I need to do what is in my best interest. So now it is just a painful, excruciating waiting game. I want to drop clues to people that I may be gone in two weeks, but if I am not going, then it would all be pointless. I already have told several people, mostly professional colleagues, that I am leaving, but this was all before I found out that my current employer is willing to fight for me. It is the ever shifting equation that is making my decision impossible and the longer I am in this state of unclarity, the more difficult it is for me to cope.
It may turn out that the last Sunday I am at my church is the same Sunday I let people know I am leaving. I know those of you out there who do not attend church may not think much of this, but as a single guy in a smaller town, the church for me has been my lifeblood. It is my social group, I have some very good friends there and the fact that I would leave the same day I tell them I am leaving will make my leaving all the more painful for them, and for me too. I guess this is what life is about, we have these period of uncertainty and indecision.
I have had others tell me that this is a great place to be, that I am being fought over means that I am the one who wins, I will better my situation as a result. The problem lies in that fact of the professional realities of me staying where I am. I am in a profession that seems to provide more advantages to those who seek out more advanced opportunities. I know I am being cryptic here, but given the nature of this blog, I am not going to reveal who I am. Just know that if I don't leave where I am and I am not taking on increasing responsibilities, then it would be detrimental for my career and the ability to seek out other employment in the future. I am not saying that it would be the worst for me if I was to stay, just much, much harder to leave in the future if I do decide to remain here. Nothing wrong with that, I would just need to decide if that is what I want to do with my life. I live in a small town and if you read this blog, you know I am gay, so.... it seems that to be in a relationship with another guy, it would be better for me to be in a City where there would be less judgement on me for living out that lifestyle. So the scales seems to be on the side of me moving, but....there are such strong forces that are wanting to keep me here, both internal and external. The fact I have no place I can call home, if I was to stay, where I am would be my home, there would be no doubt about that anymore.
I want to ramble on, but feel I would be getting diminishing returns on doing that, I will be typing and typing in circles and I am not sure I would have any more clarity on my situation. In fact I know I would not because everything hinges on what my current employer can do for me, how much money are we talking about here? So there it is, I will post more when I know what I am doing and maybe then my life will return to normal, for now though I don't feel like bating at all, just too much on edge about everything, but I may do it anyway to take off the edge....while edging! LOL Laters....
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