BR (2014) 0.57504
To anyone who reads this blog and cares about updates, if such a person exists, sorry for not updating this for literally one and half months. :( I have to admit that I have sort of gotten a bit burnt out with always journalling about the same (or similar) subjects. So I just took a little hiatus.
If you are interested about my masturbation history, hence the main theme of this blog, I masturbated 201 times in 2013, with a final BR of 0.555489. I did not meet my goal of .70. Furthermore, last year represents a decline of 16 sessions from the year before, 2012, which is a about an 8 percent decrease. Honestly I don't really care. I kind lost the desire to make masturbation stats a focus, and I honestly don't know why I continue to show you my rate, as hardly anyone comments on it, but nonetheless, I have it up for those who do care.
Now onto what I want to talk about. I have been feeling a dilemma brewing within more for the last few months, January is always the worst month for me as its my birthday month, which means I am a year older and still living essentially the same life I had for the last ten years +. Single, living alone in a small town, no girlfriend, still pretty much uncommitted as to my sexual orientation. Now I did "come out" last June and had a bit of a personal epiphany of sorts, I had at last made a stand on my sexuality with my family and a few other close friends, but after that revelation and reading a book, I feel like I have come back to where I was. I have been unwilling to step out there in my town as a gay man as I just don't feel that is who I am....despite everything I have been through, I still am not 100% gay, this means I am bi, which to me makes matters even worse, I have a choice, which way do I really go?
I know I am bi more so now than before, because I have seen boyish looking women, well one girl in particular, who I really find HOT, but I haven't the guts to ask her out as she is MUCH younger than me and frankly out of my circles, if you know what I mean, she is not a professional, just a girl who likes to party and whatnot. I know, I sound so harsh, but my attraction is strictly physical. But I bring this up to say I have heterosexual tendencies. On the other hand, I have all these fetishes which are wrapped up in maleness and seeing guys do their thing in gear....I am afraid, and I simply will not go into more detail on this on the internet, despite my supposed anonymity, of aspects of this love when it drive me to looking at younger men. It's just not....healthy. So I just don't know what to do. I have been thinking about signing up again for eHarmony.com, because I just don't see myself dating a man. I see my gay brother call his lover, "sweet heart" and seeing them hold hands, and my stomach heaves. It's weird, I don't know how else to explain it. They want to get married, which will also be very awkward for some members of my family.
But, I am pushing 40, 40! And I just don't think I can go on living alone for the rest of my life. I am an introvert, I think that is pretty obvious, but even introverts get lonely sometimes. I just need to settle down, find a girlfriend, sweep her off my feet and live happily ever after. I know that is a dream, a fairytale. Relationships take work, scarifies, cause a huge amount of pain to people, but would it not have been better to have at least tried, or died knowing I tried then to have just given up because I feel I am in the gray-lands between black and white? I set a time and date to start again on this new adventure of "love", I will date GIRLS and see what happens, surely somewhere out there, God has someone in mind for me that will make me happy, that will understand my kinks and get me, someone who turns me on sexually, surely. And if not, I guess I will look for a guy..... I just don't know what that will look like, it certainly will not be like my brother's relationship.
That's about it. I am thinking I will go to a concert tonight to just interact with people, who knows, maybe that girl I like will be there?
Saturday, January 18, 2014
Friday, November 1, 2013
Update Time
BR 0.58
So you are wondering why it has taken me this long to contribute to this blog, I have to say my only excuse at the present quarter is apathy. I have received several comments from you, my faithful readers, wanting me to go more in depth about my masturbation experiences. I appreciate the feedback, but I think I will not make that my life focus, as it seems that that subject has dominated others recently. Don't get me wrong, I am all for masturbation, but what else is there to really talk about on the subject, other than just going over the same details I have before; the various intricacies of my fetishes and the fact that they, in some way, have prevented me from entering into a meaningful relationship with someone? These are always going to be background issues for me, no matter what time or season of life I find myself in.
With all that said, I think I will try to broaden the scope of my on line journal to other issues and thoughts as they strike me. That is not to say that I will not journal about my sexual identity, masturbation, fetishes and the like, it just won't be the only thing I write about. That is all I have time for at the moment, just wanted to let you all know I am still out there figuring all this stuff out. Oh, and congrats to the Red Socks!
So you are wondering why it has taken me this long to contribute to this blog, I have to say my only excuse at the present quarter is apathy. I have received several comments from you, my faithful readers, wanting me to go more in depth about my masturbation experiences. I appreciate the feedback, but I think I will not make that my life focus, as it seems that that subject has dominated others recently. Don't get me wrong, I am all for masturbation, but what else is there to really talk about on the subject, other than just going over the same details I have before; the various intricacies of my fetishes and the fact that they, in some way, have prevented me from entering into a meaningful relationship with someone? These are always going to be background issues for me, no matter what time or season of life I find myself in.
With all that said, I think I will try to broaden the scope of my on line journal to other issues and thoughts as they strike me. That is not to say that I will not journal about my sexual identity, masturbation, fetishes and the like, it just won't be the only thing I write about. That is all I have time for at the moment, just wanted to let you all know I am still out there figuring all this stuff out. Oh, and congrats to the Red Socks!
Monday, September 2, 2013
Clocks versus Cocks: Decline into normalcy
BR .6324045
I definitely sense that I am in a period of decline as far as my masturbatory activity. This is clearly seen in the data I keep and am very proud of. My peak for this period, and I believe for the year, was on August 5th with a BR of .65458. This is higher than anything I achieved last year. But, as the title of this post indicates, this rate will not likely be attained again, unless I go on some crazy binge, which at the moment, I am not inclined to do.
So what happened? Well I have just gotten off of a major life roller coaster, where I was not sure if I was going to be moving, the anxiety alone shut down my masturbation--at least for the short term. I then have had things remarkably stabilize in a way I did not expect, and circumstances at work allowed me to stay on where I am for at least another 5 years. So then without a move looming, my life was allowed to return to somewhat a normal status, but with this the masturbation desires did not return. Now don't get me wrong, I have continued to masturbate about once every 2-3 days, but hardly the daily run I was at in the early part of August, before my interview and job offer.
This still does not explain why I have not returned. I think my interests have just shifted, I have realized that being a full time masturbator is not me, despite what I have written here in the past. I went ahead and cancelled my bateworld subscription when I came to realize how expensive it was, something like 25 bucks every couple of months, and that does add up. I kept thinking of the things I could buy with that money, which is the reason for my odd post title. What on earth do clocks have to do with anything?
Well I could not resist the cleverness of he title, the words only having one letter difference and the relevancy for me is that I am a clock collector, well sort of. I have a passion for time and time pieces, it goes along with my obsession with the weather and meteorological observations. Yes, it is true, I am not some super hot athlete who rides motocross all day, despite my aspirations to be like that, I do have another life with hobbies and interests outside of sex and gratification. So, all this is to say that I have a desire to buy a certain clock on eBay, and well the thought came to me that I am wasting money on a subscription, when I could use that same money for this clock I want to buy. Seems simple enough, but if you drill down, it shows a shift, a shift away from bateworld and into different hobbies.
I am no longer that interested in bateworld, as I feel I have already explored the site and have not really met anyone there of consequence. Don't get me wrong though, there are many fine people on that site, but I just feel that its all about masturbation and there is no real opportunity to really know anyone there is a meaningful way. So why be a member there? I may, in a few weeks, feel differently about all of this, but nothing I do can shed the utter emptiness I feel after cuming on bateworld. Its just so vapid, I need more. The excitement of being on that site has worn off, the expectations that I would get something out of the groups has worn off, masturbation addiction has worn off, I am no longer drawn to that leg of my trifecta.
So from here on out I plan to just masturbate when I feel like I want to, pretty much where I was before and much of my life, you cannot push or restrain it, that is the main lesson I have learned. It is its own governor. On a clock, the chime is governed by a fly wheel, and that keeps the chime movement in time so it won't chime too slow or fast, so it is the same with masturbation, there is--at least for me-- a built in governor, and your body simply makes it so you have no interest in getting horny when it knows you have had enough. And even if I want it to go faster, that internal fly wheel will keep me in time.
I definitely sense that I am in a period of decline as far as my masturbatory activity. This is clearly seen in the data I keep and am very proud of. My peak for this period, and I believe for the year, was on August 5th with a BR of .65458. This is higher than anything I achieved last year. But, as the title of this post indicates, this rate will not likely be attained again, unless I go on some crazy binge, which at the moment, I am not inclined to do.
So what happened? Well I have just gotten off of a major life roller coaster, where I was not sure if I was going to be moving, the anxiety alone shut down my masturbation--at least for the short term. I then have had things remarkably stabilize in a way I did not expect, and circumstances at work allowed me to stay on where I am for at least another 5 years. So then without a move looming, my life was allowed to return to somewhat a normal status, but with this the masturbation desires did not return. Now don't get me wrong, I have continued to masturbate about once every 2-3 days, but hardly the daily run I was at in the early part of August, before my interview and job offer.
This still does not explain why I have not returned. I think my interests have just shifted, I have realized that being a full time masturbator is not me, despite what I have written here in the past. I went ahead and cancelled my bateworld subscription when I came to realize how expensive it was, something like 25 bucks every couple of months, and that does add up. I kept thinking of the things I could buy with that money, which is the reason for my odd post title. What on earth do clocks have to do with anything?
Well I could not resist the cleverness of he title, the words only having one letter difference and the relevancy for me is that I am a clock collector, well sort of. I have a passion for time and time pieces, it goes along with my obsession with the weather and meteorological observations. Yes, it is true, I am not some super hot athlete who rides motocross all day, despite my aspirations to be like that, I do have another life with hobbies and interests outside of sex and gratification. So, all this is to say that I have a desire to buy a certain clock on eBay, and well the thought came to me that I am wasting money on a subscription, when I could use that same money for this clock I want to buy. Seems simple enough, but if you drill down, it shows a shift, a shift away from bateworld and into different hobbies.
I am no longer that interested in bateworld, as I feel I have already explored the site and have not really met anyone there of consequence. Don't get me wrong though, there are many fine people on that site, but I just feel that its all about masturbation and there is no real opportunity to really know anyone there is a meaningful way. So why be a member there? I may, in a few weeks, feel differently about all of this, but nothing I do can shed the utter emptiness I feel after cuming on bateworld. Its just so vapid, I need more. The excitement of being on that site has worn off, the expectations that I would get something out of the groups has worn off, masturbation addiction has worn off, I am no longer drawn to that leg of my trifecta.
So from here on out I plan to just masturbate when I feel like I want to, pretty much where I was before and much of my life, you cannot push or restrain it, that is the main lesson I have learned. It is its own governor. On a clock, the chime is governed by a fly wheel, and that keeps the chime movement in time so it won't chime too slow or fast, so it is the same with masturbation, there is--at least for me-- a built in governor, and your body simply makes it so you have no interest in getting horny when it knows you have had enough. And even if I want it to go faster, that internal fly wheel will keep me in time.
Saturday, August 17, 2013
Life Decision
BR 0.64774
I have not masturbated for six days. I cannot think of another time, except maybe when I was on vacation, when I have not done it for this long. I am not on some plan of action to stop, or any major changes of heart on my past reflections on the pleasures and joys of masturbation. No, what has happened is my life has figuratively turned upside down. There is a strong possibility that I will be moving out of state. The issue is my current employer is fighting to keep me where I am. Part of me loathes the thought of moving, pulling up my roots, leaving friends, programs I'm involved with, everything to move to a strange city all for the glory of more money and more experience, to advance my career.
I think I would not be freaking out if I just knew that it was a sure thing, that I will definitely move and I need to start the moving process of packing, finding a new place, saying good buy to friends, but without that clarity of decision, I am left in an impossible position of waiting until Monday to find out what my employer is willing to do to keep me where I am and if that is enough for me to tell my future employer, "thanks, but no thanks." This would screw them over, but in the end I need to do what is in my best interest. So now it is just a painful, excruciating waiting game. I want to drop clues to people that I may be gone in two weeks, but if I am not going, then it would all be pointless. I already have told several people, mostly professional colleagues, that I am leaving, but this was all before I found out that my current employer is willing to fight for me. It is the ever shifting equation that is making my decision impossible and the longer I am in this state of unclarity, the more difficult it is for me to cope.
It may turn out that the last Sunday I am at my church is the same Sunday I let people know I am leaving. I know those of you out there who do not attend church may not think much of this, but as a single guy in a smaller town, the church for me has been my lifeblood. It is my social group, I have some very good friends there and the fact that I would leave the same day I tell them I am leaving will make my leaving all the more painful for them, and for me too. I guess this is what life is about, we have these period of uncertainty and indecision.
I have had others tell me that this is a great place to be, that I am being fought over means that I am the one who wins, I will better my situation as a result. The problem lies in that fact of the professional realities of me staying where I am. I am in a profession that seems to provide more advantages to those who seek out more advanced opportunities. I know I am being cryptic here, but given the nature of this blog, I am not going to reveal who I am. Just know that if I don't leave where I am and I am not taking on increasing responsibilities, then it would be detrimental for my career and the ability to seek out other employment in the future. I am not saying that it would be the worst for me if I was to stay, just much, much harder to leave in the future if I do decide to remain here. Nothing wrong with that, I would just need to decide if that is what I want to do with my life. I live in a small town and if you read this blog, you know I am gay, so.... it seems that to be in a relationship with another guy, it would be better for me to be in a City where there would be less judgement on me for living out that lifestyle. So the scales seems to be on the side of me moving, but....there are such strong forces that are wanting to keep me here, both internal and external. The fact I have no place I can call home, if I was to stay, where I am would be my home, there would be no doubt about that anymore.
I want to ramble on, but feel I would be getting diminishing returns on doing that, I will be typing and typing in circles and I am not sure I would have any more clarity on my situation. In fact I know I would not because everything hinges on what my current employer can do for me, how much money are we talking about here? So there it is, I will post more when I know what I am doing and maybe then my life will return to normal, for now though I don't feel like bating at all, just too much on edge about everything, but I may do it anyway to take off the edge....while edging! LOL Laters....
I have not masturbated for six days. I cannot think of another time, except maybe when I was on vacation, when I have not done it for this long. I am not on some plan of action to stop, or any major changes of heart on my past reflections on the pleasures and joys of masturbation. No, what has happened is my life has figuratively turned upside down. There is a strong possibility that I will be moving out of state. The issue is my current employer is fighting to keep me where I am. Part of me loathes the thought of moving, pulling up my roots, leaving friends, programs I'm involved with, everything to move to a strange city all for the glory of more money and more experience, to advance my career.
I think I would not be freaking out if I just knew that it was a sure thing, that I will definitely move and I need to start the moving process of packing, finding a new place, saying good buy to friends, but without that clarity of decision, I am left in an impossible position of waiting until Monday to find out what my employer is willing to do to keep me where I am and if that is enough for me to tell my future employer, "thanks, but no thanks." This would screw them over, but in the end I need to do what is in my best interest. So now it is just a painful, excruciating waiting game. I want to drop clues to people that I may be gone in two weeks, but if I am not going, then it would all be pointless. I already have told several people, mostly professional colleagues, that I am leaving, but this was all before I found out that my current employer is willing to fight for me. It is the ever shifting equation that is making my decision impossible and the longer I am in this state of unclarity, the more difficult it is for me to cope.
It may turn out that the last Sunday I am at my church is the same Sunday I let people know I am leaving. I know those of you out there who do not attend church may not think much of this, but as a single guy in a smaller town, the church for me has been my lifeblood. It is my social group, I have some very good friends there and the fact that I would leave the same day I tell them I am leaving will make my leaving all the more painful for them, and for me too. I guess this is what life is about, we have these period of uncertainty and indecision.
I have had others tell me that this is a great place to be, that I am being fought over means that I am the one who wins, I will better my situation as a result. The problem lies in that fact of the professional realities of me staying where I am. I am in a profession that seems to provide more advantages to those who seek out more advanced opportunities. I know I am being cryptic here, but given the nature of this blog, I am not going to reveal who I am. Just know that if I don't leave where I am and I am not taking on increasing responsibilities, then it would be detrimental for my career and the ability to seek out other employment in the future. I am not saying that it would be the worst for me if I was to stay, just much, much harder to leave in the future if I do decide to remain here. Nothing wrong with that, I would just need to decide if that is what I want to do with my life. I live in a small town and if you read this blog, you know I am gay, so.... it seems that to be in a relationship with another guy, it would be better for me to be in a City where there would be less judgement on me for living out that lifestyle. So the scales seems to be on the side of me moving, but....there are such strong forces that are wanting to keep me here, both internal and external. The fact I have no place I can call home, if I was to stay, where I am would be my home, there would be no doubt about that anymore.
I want to ramble on, but feel I would be getting diminishing returns on doing that, I will be typing and typing in circles and I am not sure I would have any more clarity on my situation. In fact I know I would not because everything hinges on what my current employer can do for me, how much money are we talking about here? So there it is, I will post more when I know what I am doing and maybe then my life will return to normal, for now though I don't feel like bating at all, just too much on edge about everything, but I may do it anyway to take off the edge....while edging! LOL Laters....
Tuesday, August 6, 2013
The Trifecta of Pleasure and My Understanding of It
BR 0.65458. I have masturbated 142 times in 2013.
I've come to a clearer understanding of what makes me tick, sexually speaking. I will never be able to turn off my analytical side when it comes to this stuff, and so I've been meaning to write some more about this in the past few days. I hate for too much time to pass and then I would have forgotten what I've discovered.
So, what is this trifecta of pleasure? Well I will draw it out, this is my first attempt to do this on a blog, so bear with me! Epic fail, I tried to draw it and blogger freaked out, so here is a simpler version.
Phallic Worship Fetish -----> Masturbation Addiction Fetish
Dumbing Down Fetish -----> Masturbation Addiction Fetish
Now this is by no means comprehensive. I do have other fetishes and desires that do not fit into this trifecta. It would be better if I could have a third arrow for everything else, but I can't get that to work without using some kind of drawing program, which I don't have the time or patience to experiment with.
So when I go back and look at what really turns me on at my core, it is these things. Let me go through them one by one.
Phallic Worship Fetish. Anyone who has read my blog knows that one of my most popular posts was on Priapas Temple. If you don't recall off hand what that is, it is a group of people who have made worshipping the phallic or penis as their prime purpose in life. This has tied into my need to bring religion into my masturbation since religion was the main reason I was compelled to not enjoy the pleasure masturbation and orgasm can bring. This is further enhanced by seeing rules for practice that encourages and even commands the cock worshippers to service their member for the good of themselves and the community. It is rather more focused on group sex, orgies, circle jerks, and the like than sheer solo sexualism. I have taken this a step further by my reading the Bible of Cock and Bible of Man that have attempted to make scripture out of the devotion and worship of cock, and in worship that means stimulation to climax. This ties into the need to find ex-Christian groups, even Satanic communities that affirm the love of cock and its worship as yet another layer to get closer to my carnal need to reject Christianity for the sake of self-love.
As I have mentioned in past posts, this is all built on a very conservative, inflexible reading of Scripture that states that all forms of masturbation is a sin and is lust. So of course if one rebells against this there is much pleasure to be had in doing it and your cock grows in the excitement of being released from the spiritual prison. What is wrong with this idea is that true faith in God does allow sexual pleasure in the form of masturbation, as long as you are not lusting after another's body or making it into idol worship. Taking phallic worship to the extreme is sin, it is replacing the one true God with one that was created by God. The key to understand here is that God did create our penises and and He saw to it that His creation was good, read the Genesis account. Therefore, it is not unreasonable that He created masturbation, or at he bear minimum, allowed it to be done. There could have been so many alternatives to the human design that would have prevented the act of masturbation. Sexual pleasure only being realized by the physical act of intercourse, perhaps by the release of some enzyme or something that would ONLY allow orgasm when in the act of sex....BUT that is NOT how we were created, now is it? So is it so unreasonable to assume that masturbation, in its purest form, can be a Holy act unto the Lord? I think it can be, therefore, this idea of ex-Christian masturbation is silly, and yet it is somehow ingrained into my sexual identity that there is still pleasure found in losing your faith for your cock. I will need to focus less on this and more on the spiritual blessing of masturbation to break this connection, it is unholy for me to find pleasure in the demonic.
This phallic worship also ties into masturbation addiction, which is yet another angle. The center of the trifecta. But I will want to leave that aside for now to address the other side of the trifecta, dumbing down fetish. This is a strange and complicated one to explain to anyone. It basically comes into the idea that with the loss of intelligence, there is pleasure. This is directly related to regression fantasies, which tie into ABDL. I wrote a story (email me if you want the link, you have to be members of the site to see it) that dealt with this very thing. The main character is regressed and he finds pleasure in loosing his intelligence, the more he fails, the better it feels. The more wetting he has accidents and acts like a baby or toddler, the better he feels. And in feeling better, it means more intense and frequent orgasms, more masturbation. Losers masturbate; boys with untied, loose sneakers, masturbate. They are dumb and find pleasure in their stupidity. So there is much to unpack here, a lot of tie ins with athletic gear as a means to feel like a dumb jock with a hard cock! Wow, that rhymed! Anyways, diapers, regression, loose athletic styled clothing all plays into the --lets get dumb and get off on getting dumb.
The problem here is not moralistic, it is practical!! I suppose there can be an argument made for not allowing yourself to be made dumb by someone as an immoral thing, God made you to be smart, etc., but that is not the main issue. The issue is that I don't really want to be dumb, I just like the feeling of being dumb, or being made to be dumb. This, of course, plays out not with a phallic bible, but through hypnosis. There are actually files that play right into this very fantasy. Smart people who are burdened with the responsibility of intelligence and wish to escape into a realm where he can exist and be simple and know only pleasure and bliss. Whether it is a regression store or a hypnotic file, it goes deep. So how will that work? I don't want to be dumb, for real, that is insane and honestly not sure if it is really possible. The key is the escape of it and the idea that the process of regressing, or getting dumb, is what is pleasurable, not the regressed state or state of less intelligence. I am not sure where this came from, but is very real to me.
I broke down last night and bought a $10 one month subscription to warp my mind. com. This was the only way I could get to the files I wanted to hear on the dumbing down series. When I heard them they were so full of subliminals and aggressive speech, I realized it was dumb to listen because the hypnotizer made me feel dumb for wanting to do this in the first place! It was not a pleasant experience, and it made me realize that I want the experience to be pleasurable. That is why I liked the "Pleasurable Dumbness" file much better as it was pleasant and comfy to listen to, I liked how it sounded, it made me relax and didn't put me on edge or worse fear that I was really loosing my intelligence.
So that leaves the last-addiction. Addiction is in the center because as the old adage goes, all roads lead to Rome. In this case, all forms of fetishism leads to addiction. But addiction is not an annoying byproduct of indulgence into other fetishes, it is the goal. I read blogs about getting addicted and I find them arousing and often masturbate to them--not images, the words alone of an addicted bater is enough. This ties into to the dumbing down as the addiction itself is the form of escapism from the responsibilities of abstinence. It is a pleasurable road in its own right, the more you masturbate, the better it gets, the more addicted you are, the more happy you will be. It is that idea that really turns me on, you see that all over Bateworld. It is surprising, though, how little all of this leads to porn. I have been moving away from sheer porn for more of these complex ideas, not sure why.
So that is it, that is my trifecta. As to what it all means, I don't know. I am just here now trying to describe and analyze, but not explain. I will say this, that there dosn't seem to be much more to explore for any of these areas and that has been my focus, explore and exploit, get addicted and enjoy it all. More to come....until then bate on everyone!
I've come to a clearer understanding of what makes me tick, sexually speaking. I will never be able to turn off my analytical side when it comes to this stuff, and so I've been meaning to write some more about this in the past few days. I hate for too much time to pass and then I would have forgotten what I've discovered.
So, what is this trifecta of pleasure? Well I will draw it out, this is my first attempt to do this on a blog, so bear with me! Epic fail, I tried to draw it and blogger freaked out, so here is a simpler version.
Phallic Worship Fetish -----> Masturbation Addiction Fetish
Dumbing Down Fetish -----> Masturbation Addiction Fetish
Now this is by no means comprehensive. I do have other fetishes and desires that do not fit into this trifecta. It would be better if I could have a third arrow for everything else, but I can't get that to work without using some kind of drawing program, which I don't have the time or patience to experiment with.
So when I go back and look at what really turns me on at my core, it is these things. Let me go through them one by one.
Phallic Worship Fetish. Anyone who has read my blog knows that one of my most popular posts was on Priapas Temple. If you don't recall off hand what that is, it is a group of people who have made worshipping the phallic or penis as their prime purpose in life. This has tied into my need to bring religion into my masturbation since religion was the main reason I was compelled to not enjoy the pleasure masturbation and orgasm can bring. This is further enhanced by seeing rules for practice that encourages and even commands the cock worshippers to service their member for the good of themselves and the community. It is rather more focused on group sex, orgies, circle jerks, and the like than sheer solo sexualism. I have taken this a step further by my reading the Bible of Cock and Bible of Man that have attempted to make scripture out of the devotion and worship of cock, and in worship that means stimulation to climax. This ties into the need to find ex-Christian groups, even Satanic communities that affirm the love of cock and its worship as yet another layer to get closer to my carnal need to reject Christianity for the sake of self-love.
As I have mentioned in past posts, this is all built on a very conservative, inflexible reading of Scripture that states that all forms of masturbation is a sin and is lust. So of course if one rebells against this there is much pleasure to be had in doing it and your cock grows in the excitement of being released from the spiritual prison. What is wrong with this idea is that true faith in God does allow sexual pleasure in the form of masturbation, as long as you are not lusting after another's body or making it into idol worship. Taking phallic worship to the extreme is sin, it is replacing the one true God with one that was created by God. The key to understand here is that God did create our penises and and He saw to it that His creation was good, read the Genesis account. Therefore, it is not unreasonable that He created masturbation, or at he bear minimum, allowed it to be done. There could have been so many alternatives to the human design that would have prevented the act of masturbation. Sexual pleasure only being realized by the physical act of intercourse, perhaps by the release of some enzyme or something that would ONLY allow orgasm when in the act of sex....BUT that is NOT how we were created, now is it? So is it so unreasonable to assume that masturbation, in its purest form, can be a Holy act unto the Lord? I think it can be, therefore, this idea of ex-Christian masturbation is silly, and yet it is somehow ingrained into my sexual identity that there is still pleasure found in losing your faith for your cock. I will need to focus less on this and more on the spiritual blessing of masturbation to break this connection, it is unholy for me to find pleasure in the demonic.
This phallic worship also ties into masturbation addiction, which is yet another angle. The center of the trifecta. But I will want to leave that aside for now to address the other side of the trifecta, dumbing down fetish. This is a strange and complicated one to explain to anyone. It basically comes into the idea that with the loss of intelligence, there is pleasure. This is directly related to regression fantasies, which tie into ABDL. I wrote a story (email me if you want the link, you have to be members of the site to see it) that dealt with this very thing. The main character is regressed and he finds pleasure in loosing his intelligence, the more he fails, the better it feels. The more wetting he has accidents and acts like a baby or toddler, the better he feels. And in feeling better, it means more intense and frequent orgasms, more masturbation. Losers masturbate; boys with untied, loose sneakers, masturbate. They are dumb and find pleasure in their stupidity. So there is much to unpack here, a lot of tie ins with athletic gear as a means to feel like a dumb jock with a hard cock! Wow, that rhymed! Anyways, diapers, regression, loose athletic styled clothing all plays into the --lets get dumb and get off on getting dumb.
The problem here is not moralistic, it is practical!! I suppose there can be an argument made for not allowing yourself to be made dumb by someone as an immoral thing, God made you to be smart, etc., but that is not the main issue. The issue is that I don't really want to be dumb, I just like the feeling of being dumb, or being made to be dumb. This, of course, plays out not with a phallic bible, but through hypnosis. There are actually files that play right into this very fantasy. Smart people who are burdened with the responsibility of intelligence and wish to escape into a realm where he can exist and be simple and know only pleasure and bliss. Whether it is a regression store or a hypnotic file, it goes deep. So how will that work? I don't want to be dumb, for real, that is insane and honestly not sure if it is really possible. The key is the escape of it and the idea that the process of regressing, or getting dumb, is what is pleasurable, not the regressed state or state of less intelligence. I am not sure where this came from, but is very real to me.
I broke down last night and bought a $10 one month subscription to warp my mind. com. This was the only way I could get to the files I wanted to hear on the dumbing down series. When I heard them they were so full of subliminals and aggressive speech, I realized it was dumb to listen because the hypnotizer made me feel dumb for wanting to do this in the first place! It was not a pleasant experience, and it made me realize that I want the experience to be pleasurable. That is why I liked the "Pleasurable Dumbness" file much better as it was pleasant and comfy to listen to, I liked how it sounded, it made me relax and didn't put me on edge or worse fear that I was really loosing my intelligence.
So that leaves the last-addiction. Addiction is in the center because as the old adage goes, all roads lead to Rome. In this case, all forms of fetishism leads to addiction. But addiction is not an annoying byproduct of indulgence into other fetishes, it is the goal. I read blogs about getting addicted and I find them arousing and often masturbate to them--not images, the words alone of an addicted bater is enough. This ties into to the dumbing down as the addiction itself is the form of escapism from the responsibilities of abstinence. It is a pleasurable road in its own right, the more you masturbate, the better it gets, the more addicted you are, the more happy you will be. It is that idea that really turns me on, you see that all over Bateworld. It is surprising, though, how little all of this leads to porn. I have been moving away from sheer porn for more of these complex ideas, not sure why.
So that is it, that is my trifecta. As to what it all means, I don't know. I am just here now trying to describe and analyze, but not explain. I will say this, that there dosn't seem to be much more to explore for any of these areas and that has been my focus, explore and exploit, get addicted and enjoy it all. More to come....until then bate on everyone!
Wednesday, July 17, 2013
A new dark phase
BR 0.6063362
I have so much to say, so much that I want to write about, but there is more to say than I have time, or energy, to express right now. It is all my fault, naturally. I have waited too long since my last post and so more and more has piled up for me to express to you.
The main, principal, change is my increased addiction and devotion to my masturbation. I have decided, after years of holding back in one form or another, to indulge in the dark forest of my masturbation and lust. This has manifested itself in my reading the Bible of Cock, or also known as the Bible of Man. So far I have read it for two nights and the last two nights I came while masturbating to it. If you are so inclined, it's available for free on-line, all you need to do is google it. This has strangely led to me viewing less porn, in terms of images, but rather just text is enough.
I feel guilty about this, it is truly a guilty pleasure. My guilt is in what this is doing to my faith. I keep telling myself that this is all fake, it's not the real "Bible", it is not sacred text, but as I read this other bible, I cannot help but to imagine, or fantasize for a second, that is could be the "real" Bible and that God is calling me to masturbate, that is is truly the highest form of worship, supreme blissfulness as I develop my cock lust.
My concerns is this does tie into the occult and Satanism. Yes, I have seen it all. Part of me is turned on even by this, that there are those out there who practice lust as a religion, but part of me makes me sad. Why does all of this always have to tie back into religion? I guess that is a stupid question considering I am looking at the "bible" of cock, of course there are going to be religious overtones, but I see such an anti-christian tone in the writings and specially in the imagery (the book has illustrations). As if the opposite of Christianity is pleasure. I truly believe nothing can be further from the truth. God invented pleasure! He invented pensis and made them holy, it is only man who made them unholy, mostly though the works of Thomas Aqanius and other reformers who were anti-sex. This is the legacy of centuries of misguided people who took Paul's writing's too literally and threw it all out. No wonder all of these lustful, phallic writings are fraught with anti-Christian, even Satanic overtones, because those who write them misinterpret the real Bible as a strict prohibition of all things pleasurable in life, so clearly you would turn from Christ to the antichrist.
As I said, I find it sad. I wish there were more Christian groups that incorporated their love of Christ with their love of cock and made it something of their own. You still need to worship the one true God and not what He created, namely a man's penis: this is what these cock temple societies and dark brotherhood's do. I can't bring myself to dive into that, but boy does my penis want to! What I need is something of a balance, a group that honors God for God, but also encourages and promotes masturbation as the mode in which to share and indulge in God's love. I know such a place is hard to find and perhaps does not even exist, but until then my yearnings will continue to call me to read the Bible of Cock. I am sure you will see my evolution in the coming months (or should I say cumming months! ;) on this subject. I hope to also go more into why I have such a strong attraction to this blasphemy fetish, more than porn, more than anything else I write about, why is that? Why is my faith so wrapped up in this? I hope to know more soon.
I have so much to say, so much that I want to write about, but there is more to say than I have time, or energy, to express right now. It is all my fault, naturally. I have waited too long since my last post and so more and more has piled up for me to express to you.
The main, principal, change is my increased addiction and devotion to my masturbation. I have decided, after years of holding back in one form or another, to indulge in the dark forest of my masturbation and lust. This has manifested itself in my reading the Bible of Cock, or also known as the Bible of Man. So far I have read it for two nights and the last two nights I came while masturbating to it. If you are so inclined, it's available for free on-line, all you need to do is google it. This has strangely led to me viewing less porn, in terms of images, but rather just text is enough.
I feel guilty about this, it is truly a guilty pleasure. My guilt is in what this is doing to my faith. I keep telling myself that this is all fake, it's not the real "Bible", it is not sacred text, but as I read this other bible, I cannot help but to imagine, or fantasize for a second, that is could be the "real" Bible and that God is calling me to masturbate, that is is truly the highest form of worship, supreme blissfulness as I develop my cock lust.
My concerns is this does tie into the occult and Satanism. Yes, I have seen it all. Part of me is turned on even by this, that there are those out there who practice lust as a religion, but part of me makes me sad. Why does all of this always have to tie back into religion? I guess that is a stupid question considering I am looking at the "bible" of cock, of course there are going to be religious overtones, but I see such an anti-christian tone in the writings and specially in the imagery (the book has illustrations). As if the opposite of Christianity is pleasure. I truly believe nothing can be further from the truth. God invented pleasure! He invented pensis and made them holy, it is only man who made them unholy, mostly though the works of Thomas Aqanius and other reformers who were anti-sex. This is the legacy of centuries of misguided people who took Paul's writing's too literally and threw it all out. No wonder all of these lustful, phallic writings are fraught with anti-Christian, even Satanic overtones, because those who write them misinterpret the real Bible as a strict prohibition of all things pleasurable in life, so clearly you would turn from Christ to the antichrist.
As I said, I find it sad. I wish there were more Christian groups that incorporated their love of Christ with their love of cock and made it something of their own. You still need to worship the one true God and not what He created, namely a man's penis: this is what these cock temple societies and dark brotherhood's do. I can't bring myself to dive into that, but boy does my penis want to! What I need is something of a balance, a group that honors God for God, but also encourages and promotes masturbation as the mode in which to share and indulge in God's love. I know such a place is hard to find and perhaps does not even exist, but until then my yearnings will continue to call me to read the Bible of Cock. I am sure you will see my evolution in the coming months (or should I say cumming months! ;) on this subject. I hope to also go more into why I have such a strong attraction to this blasphemy fetish, more than porn, more than anything else I write about, why is that? Why is my faith so wrapped up in this? I hope to know more soon.
Monday, June 17, 2013
Does chronic masturbation make you happier?
BR 0.60136 - 2013 Sessions: 101
I don't know what I am doing with my life, but it seems that in my case all roads lead to Rome, or should I say bateworld. I broke down and became a member yesterday after I saw how affordable it really is, like 7 bucks a month, so that's a cup of coffee a month. So by now, if you read this blog, you know that I have this thing I call an addiction fetish. What I am learning is that there are others out there that feel the same as me. There is a lot on bateworld about getting yourself addicted, giving into it and enjoying porn and all the pleasure this can give me. There is even a support group for it, to encourage you to do it more. Start out asking do you masturbate once a day, no? Then start doing it daily, and then increase the time, bathe yourself in porn and ramp up the desires to feed the addiction. You then get yourself on a cycle, where the more your masturbate, the more porn you watch, which in turn makes you want to masturbate even more. It's the whole quantity and quality thing--they go together.
I must admit, this is such a turn on for me! It's related to the whole "be dumb" thing that I was recently attracted to, in that it's a release from control. In the addiction, your cock controls you, not you controlling your cock. You surrender everything and make it part of your spiritual practice, that way there is no conflict-- I'm not making this up, its on one of the internal site blogs. They seemed to know just the right thing to say to invite me to take this deeper, I am not shunning God, I am inviting Him into the practice that He created! If I am not "sinning", then there is no reason in the world why prayer and masturbation cannot be put together in a way...or is this blasphemy? I don't know, but I seem to think God can hear our prayers as long as we are of sound mind...
I also saw one post about how masturbation makes you happier. Give in to porn and masturbate, allow the addiction to take hold. Do it for a month and you will find that the deeper you go, the better it gets. Are these just lies made up to make people like more horny as hell or is it true? I mean that is the gold at the end of the rainbow, isn't it? The addiction is the means to make it better, more fulfilling. It all relates to the same idea--the loss of control is pleasurable. Whether it is bladder control and you pee freely into a diaper, or self control and you edged for hours and your don't even realize you had...that kind of complete surrender of control, not caring about any other worry in the world, only focusing on your penis and the pleasure he gives you.
I know this is dangerous. I've been here before, where I throw all caution to the wind and give in to it, enjoy it. But the thing about addictions is there is always a price, no matter how much I want to make that price not exist. Everyone has only so much time on this earth, 24 hours in a day, that is it... I can't do everything I want to do and be a chronically addicted masturbater to boot, as hot as that sounds for me. I wonder what kind of lives the people on bateworld, and I mean the ones who are chronically addicted, masturbating 5,6,7 hours a day, what do they do? They don't have time for relationships, to read books, to watch TV, exercise, everything that makes up a "healthy" person. Getting that deeply into porn has a price--it does as much as I would not want that price to be there.
As I said, I've been here before, but what has changed is that now I am a member of this site and I wonder where all this will lead me, will I end up so totally addicted that I no longer attend church, do the things I love (other than masturbating). I'm not sure, but for now I am allowing a little control to slip to see how far I can ride this wave. After all, the more your masturbate, the happier you'll be! To think all those years I fought against this, and now I am on the dark side. Not only permitting it, but now actually encouraging myself to get myself a little addicted for the fun of it, why not, right? We'll see, I will let you know how far I take this and if it's all worth it. My parting thought, that I find so valid, is that I do need to make my practice my prayer life. Pray and make thanksgiving to God when you bate, it is a gift that we all need to enjoy.
I don't know what I am doing with my life, but it seems that in my case all roads lead to Rome, or should I say bateworld. I broke down and became a member yesterday after I saw how affordable it really is, like 7 bucks a month, so that's a cup of coffee a month. So by now, if you read this blog, you know that I have this thing I call an addiction fetish. What I am learning is that there are others out there that feel the same as me. There is a lot on bateworld about getting yourself addicted, giving into it and enjoying porn and all the pleasure this can give me. There is even a support group for it, to encourage you to do it more. Start out asking do you masturbate once a day, no? Then start doing it daily, and then increase the time, bathe yourself in porn and ramp up the desires to feed the addiction. You then get yourself on a cycle, where the more your masturbate, the more porn you watch, which in turn makes you want to masturbate even more. It's the whole quantity and quality thing--they go together.
I must admit, this is such a turn on for me! It's related to the whole "be dumb" thing that I was recently attracted to, in that it's a release from control. In the addiction, your cock controls you, not you controlling your cock. You surrender everything and make it part of your spiritual practice, that way there is no conflict-- I'm not making this up, its on one of the internal site blogs. They seemed to know just the right thing to say to invite me to take this deeper, I am not shunning God, I am inviting Him into the practice that He created! If I am not "sinning", then there is no reason in the world why prayer and masturbation cannot be put together in a way...or is this blasphemy? I don't know, but I seem to think God can hear our prayers as long as we are of sound mind...
I also saw one post about how masturbation makes you happier. Give in to porn and masturbate, allow the addiction to take hold. Do it for a month and you will find that the deeper you go, the better it gets. Are these just lies made up to make people like more horny as hell or is it true? I mean that is the gold at the end of the rainbow, isn't it? The addiction is the means to make it better, more fulfilling. It all relates to the same idea--the loss of control is pleasurable. Whether it is bladder control and you pee freely into a diaper, or self control and you edged for hours and your don't even realize you had...that kind of complete surrender of control, not caring about any other worry in the world, only focusing on your penis and the pleasure he gives you.
I know this is dangerous. I've been here before, where I throw all caution to the wind and give in to it, enjoy it. But the thing about addictions is there is always a price, no matter how much I want to make that price not exist. Everyone has only so much time on this earth, 24 hours in a day, that is it... I can't do everything I want to do and be a chronically addicted masturbater to boot, as hot as that sounds for me. I wonder what kind of lives the people on bateworld, and I mean the ones who are chronically addicted, masturbating 5,6,7 hours a day, what do they do? They don't have time for relationships, to read books, to watch TV, exercise, everything that makes up a "healthy" person. Getting that deeply into porn has a price--it does as much as I would not want that price to be there.
As I said, I've been here before, but what has changed is that now I am a member of this site and I wonder where all this will lead me, will I end up so totally addicted that I no longer attend church, do the things I love (other than masturbating). I'm not sure, but for now I am allowing a little control to slip to see how far I can ride this wave. After all, the more your masturbate, the happier you'll be! To think all those years I fought against this, and now I am on the dark side. Not only permitting it, but now actually encouraging myself to get myself a little addicted for the fun of it, why not, right? We'll see, I will let you know how far I take this and if it's all worth it. My parting thought, that I find so valid, is that I do need to make my practice my prayer life. Pray and make thanksgiving to God when you bate, it is a gift that we all need to enjoy.
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