Coming back up for air

So in the last week, I have been on the ride of my life.  It seems that the more I get into "being dumb" the more addicting is my pursuit of the fetish.  I am literally on the fringes of diving in all the way, doing as much as I can to taste the pleasure without it impacting my daily life.  This has been pleasurable, but along with that very risky behavior, so much so that as of today I am taking a break from it.

Firstly, it must be clear that there are real risks to using hypnosis.  I think they are like drugs for the mind, that we hear.  I have seen this first hand in many areas on the web where casual listeners from all walks of life, are degraded and made to be stupid without any ability to right themselves.  Hypnosis is powerful, when done in the right conditions, and it CAN CHANGE you!  So there are unintended consequences to the behavior that impact us outside the setting of the initial session, it can stay with you and in severe cases can only be removed by more hypnosis.

The "being dumb" hypnotic fetish (or referred to as IQ reduction Fetish) and my "dark bate" have somewhat merged as I found a person who seems to be enthralled in both and he has done a lot to draw me into this, but I feel the strain this is causing me both spiritually and professionally.  I have noticed mistakes at work, as I am more and more distracted by my fantasy, so much that it has followed me to work and into my daily life.  I have felt a poignant ache within me as I am starving out my soul of meaningful nourishment through godly relationship and study.

I decided I don't like the direction this is going. As I mentioned in an earlier post on this subject, every fetish I have has a deep consequence if taken to its full extent.  This is the "brain and soul".  I was with friends last night, playing some games, and we played Crimes Against Humanity, in which the discourse of the conversation devolved into a depraved, perverted, and even sacrilegious tone. While funny and entertaining at the time, this left me with a heavy heart as I yet indulged again into the pleasures of masturbating to misspellings of those who have whole-heartily entered into the realms of dumbing down.  So much so, I came at least three times, causing a physical pain in my groin.

I need to slow down, I need to take a breath, take stock of where I am and where things are going.  For one, if I continue on this course, I will likely loose my faith as I would be in perpetual sin, and would value this over my relationship with God.  While on the face, getting dumb may not seem to be a sin, but the pleasure in this regression is an increase in lustful thoughts and base gratification of the flesh; the whole an unintelligent response to pure nothingness of thoughtless behaviors.  We become degraded, the mental faculties no longer in control, we become part animal, full of needs and desires for pleasure and masturbation.  This is sin because it devalues spiritual relationships, and especially the part of loving God with out minds.   It is a very strong distraction from the focus on Christ as our guide and friend.  It is no different than getting drunk, or high, or any other matter of speaking that alters our conscious mind to a distorted state, even if pleasurable, is not designed by my maker.

So, those who are in the mire of this, would argue why do I not just shed the shackles of the Christian faith and enjoy perverted liberation?   Believe me the thought has crossed my mind more than once, but for me the costs are too high.  For one, I am unwilling to do hypnosis to simply take away my fear of being damned.  If I don't have the fear, it dose not remove the real possibility that I am heading straight towards a cliff, where certain peril awaits.  All it does it turns off the warning bells.  Let me put it this way, if there is a fire in my house, the solution is not turning off the smoke detector and going back to bed!  It is getting the hell out of the house!  I believe hell is real, I believe if we reject God whole-heartily, blasphemy the Holy Spirit, and indulge in limitless sin (which is a real thing) there will be hell to pay, literally, and hell is not a fun place, it is agony, it unending torture, pain, and utter separation from the light, from love, from God.  There is no love in hell, no delights, it is utter misery for eternity.  So I'm pretty sure I don't want to be there.  I may be wrong about this, no one really knows for sure, but I saw a video on Youtube called 8 minutes in hell, google it, its sobering and very disturbing, and seems to fit with some descriptions in Scripture about the eternal lake of fire.  Again, I am not advocating that is is EXACTLY what hell it like, it could be more benign, or even wore, heaven forbid, but in any case it is a scary place.  A place that even Satan does not want to be, he will be punished too, you know.

Secondly, leaving Christianity would be earth shattering for my personal life, which revolves around my faith community.  I am very involved, committed, and my life here would be very dark indeed if I no longer attended any church and was left to my own devices.  Sure there would be pleasure, but that will not stave off the utter loneliness and lack of purpose that would result from such a departure from community, I would be in some sort of hell as described in CS Lewis's book, The Great Divorce, which I highly recommend.

So all that on hell and community is to conclude that I cannot continue on this course, there is only so much grace to go around, and if I keep on sinning, am I really repentant?  Or just using it like my weekly get out of jail free card, my free pass so I can go about living in pleasure....that is not true repentance, that is wanting it both ways: the delights of sin, but not wanting to pay its cost.  I may be mistaken, but I am pretty sure it does not work that way.  Jesus wants out hearts, our minds, our souls, our all.  How can we do that if part of us is sucked into a all-consuming fetish, in which Satan is just waiting to take me in, making clever arguments as to why its okay to just taste it a little, to just play a little, no one will know, no one will care, Jesus will forgive you, so why not, just a little more?...very enticing, very tempting, but that is what the chief prevaricator does, he temps he confuses us until we are in too deep, and then showers us with guilt so that we cannot possible return to the light after where we been, too dirty now to go back...

So where does this lead me?  Well clearly this is a swing in my great oscillation, as I often refer to.  I describe my sexual life an ever swinging pendulum from one extreme to the other, bliss to chastity back to bliss.  Guilt-Repentance-Temptation-Pleasure-Guilt...  I know I will come back, the pendulum always swings back.  For now, I want to a week of peace and then I will assess where I am.  I am not saying I won't jerk off this next week, or even read more forum posts, but what I have committed to are two things.  1) No diapers. 2) No hypnosis. I see these as related as one part of the fog that has enveloped me.  When I am diapers I do not feel like myself, I feel good all the time, and cannot focus on much, it takes me longer to do just about everything.  Hypnosis only amplifies this effect to making me even more scattered and dreamy, and I wonder why I think God prefers this behavior?   How can I focus to pray, to do anything for Him while in this state?  It is like being drunk on pleasure.  It is one reason why I won't wear diapers at church.  It just feels....disrespectful.  If I got to a point where wearing 24/7 was so normal that is was not something I even noticed anymore, then I think it would be different, but that is not how I feel now.

I will hope to come back in a week, next Sunday, to report on how I did, success or failure, I will do my best to report on where I am going.  If I am unable to handle this, I will seek professional help from a therapist for sexual addiction and fetishism.