Saturday, June 30, 2012
Deep into porn
Well I asked for it and now I got it! My plan, absolute freedom, and listening to the cries of my cock has pushed me further into this than I think I ever have been in before, in fact I am honestly getting worried that I am going to far with this freedom concept, that anything goes. But oh, it is good and feels good too. One thing that has come out of this experience is my newly discovered love for MX gear. I went ahead and bought a Shift outfit, jersey, gloves, and pants, I will look like a real MX hero now, except no boots or helmet, or bike! But I think those will come in time, when I start getting serious about dirt bikes and doing this as a hobby, I will already be set as far as gear goes. I feel I have more to say, more to unpack about these changes, but it is hard to analyze the storm when you are in the midst of it. My plan for the freedom games is to go until my left thumb nail has no mark. Months ago, I injured my left hand thumb nail and there is this blood spot under the nail, all black. I have been watching it move up closer and closer until it is cut off at my nail's edge. My plan is to keep going with this until all the blackness is gone from my nail, I'm guessing about a month and a half, then I will do more analysis as to what I need to be doing. I am calling this phase "Absolute Freedom 2012: The Nail Games"
Tuesday, June 26, 2012
Addicted to Jesus
I am not sure why this was never published, but it is now. This was wriiten on 1/10/12
I have had an interesting morning. Last night I came to the point where I knew things were out of control. I continued to look at porn, even though I really was just looking for what sites are out there. I told myself that I would not masturbate even though I sort of wanted to. Well after looking at some great soccer and short sites, I couldn't resist and I got my soccer stuff on and then went to town on my cock.3
So then after I came, I read about how to stop and I realized that what I really need to be is addicted to Jesus. I think I am drawn in by this idea of addiction, addiction to pleasure. I have gotten it into my head that somehow being totally addicted to say masturbation or even by extension porn is reaching some higher plain of pleasure, that it is good that I want more that I can keep on experiencing more. I have even read on blogs and forum posts about people's addiction to the bate and how they get stupid on their cocks. This has seemed appealing, especially the term "stupid" as that plays right into the regression tendencies I have.
What I have realized is, and this is hard to accept, is that all of that is a lie. Even if the people who wrote those things really believed them, they themselves are deceived. It even says in the scripture, that God will give them over to their sin and they will be deceived. I have been deceived by Satan. I have believed the lie, because I wanted it to be true. I wanted, and still want really, to reach a level of masturbatory bliss, where it is so incredibly good. But there are problems with this, this is what the lie is all about.
Problem 1: Time. Doing this takes up a lot of your time and even if you are not doing it you are thinking about doing it again. You are on porn sites for hours feeding your lust for more masturbation, further increasing the addiction.
Problem 2: God. Doing this is replacing God and worshiping another in His place. The upshot is that you relationship with Gos is distanced, cold and not real anymore. You are alone and do not feel the power of the Holy Spirit.
Problem 3:
So then after I came, I read about how to stop and I realized that what I really need to be is addicted to Jesus. I think I am drawn in by this idea of addiction, addiction to pleasure. I have gotten it into my head that somehow being totally addicted to say masturbation or even by extension porn is reaching some higher plain of pleasure, that it is good that I want more that I can keep on experiencing more. I have even read on blogs and forum posts about people's addiction to the bate and how they get stupid on their cocks. This has seemed appealing, especially the term "stupid" as that plays right into the regression tendencies I have.
What I have realized is, and this is hard to accept, is that all of that is a lie. Even if the people who wrote those things really believed them, they themselves are deceived. It even says in the scripture, that God will give them over to their sin and they will be deceived. I have been deceived by Satan. I have believed the lie, because I wanted it to be true. I wanted, and still want really, to reach a level of masturbatory bliss, where it is so incredibly good. But there are problems with this, this is what the lie is all about.
Problem 1: Time. Doing this takes up a lot of your time and even if you are not doing it you are thinking about doing it again. You are on porn sites for hours feeding your lust for more masturbation, further increasing the addiction.
Problem 2: God. Doing this is replacing God and worshiping another in His place. The upshot is that you relationship with Gos is distanced, cold and not real anymore. You are alone and do not feel the power of the Holy Spirit.
Problem 3:
Update on the "M" issue
I am not sure why this was never published, but it is now....
I know I said last time that I needed to do a manifesto on the looming questions of masturbation. I admit I have had no motivation to do this so far. I didn't think I would do an update today, but this always seems to be the case. I have once again looked at some porn, mainly out of need to limit it, believe it or not. I went onto some of my yahoo groups and have finally ended the insane policy of getting endless e-mail on everyone's j/o sessions, fantasies, advertisements, and other obscenities that seems to be commonplace within the dark crevices of the inter web. What I am proud to report is I was not tempted once to masturbate while in this exercise. My goal today was to simply clear out my inbox of all of these messages. I sense now that my mini obsession is waning on its own, thank goodness. This is evidenced more at my growing disgust at the stories the pure filth
Descent into Absolute Freedom
After I wrote yesterday's blog, I have to say I was left with an unsatisfied spirit. As if I had something still unresolved that I needed to address. Honestly, what it was was that I have explored my desires in a new way (through this blog) and they were fresh on my mind all morning. In fact, I wanted to try to find some way to write a second follow-up blog while at work, but I dismissed the idea as not appropriate.
So at around mid morning, I can't say exactly when, I decided something about all of this. I should just give in to the desires and not hold anything back. I think the biggest thing holding this tension, and honestly dissatisfaction, is fear. I have fear that somehow I am disappointing God by doing what I desire, but perfect love casts out all fear. We are to have a fear of the Lord, but I can't be living like this, constantly on the edge of knife, I have decided to take the path of least resistance and become a goon.
Now there are still consequences that I cannot control, limitations no matter what I have resolved for myself in my heart. Physically I can only do so much of this. Right now, you would think I would be hard as a rock again with this admission that it is okay to engage into whatever turns me on, but I am not. I unloaded last night on my Fox racing jersey (so hot!), so I am spent for the time being, but I know that by tonight or tomorrow at the latest, I will be ready again for some action. So physically I will be limited in how much of this I can do.
Secondly, it is time. I do not want to have to face the consequences of actually changing my involvement with church, friends, and other activities, i.e. yoga, for the sake of masturbation. Not only do I further isolate myself, I think it truly is unhealthy by anyone's standards. To allow one's life to so be fully consumed by masturbation is sad, unhealthy, and--yes--immoral.
Thirdly, it is money. I don't often think about money when I talk about masturbation, but it is actually a factor. Not only do a lot of sites now require you to pay for content, or pay for your membership, there is the factor of buying gear. One of the biggest turn rushes for me, that will always be there, is the excitement of masturbating in something new. I still have the desire to buy new shoes, get MX pants, maybe buy more diapers, the list goes on and on, but my bank account does not. So in the simplest terms, this too, is a limitation that is out of my control. I think the easiest way around this is to simply budget an account solely for this activity and not feel guilty for using the funds placed therein. That way I know I have the money (or do NOT have the money) to buy something new to play in.
Fourthly, it is my faith and morality, the great inhibitors to full pleasure and release, right? Well I am taking a different approach to this, a more yogic one where I just want to play for a bit, see where it takes me. I did something similar to this before, in the past, when I allowed myself full access to any kind of porn, without any moral guilt, for a week, then I journaled about the experience. It was interesting, what I found was at first I went bonkers and had a ball looking at everything and masturbating to porn, but rather than getting more and more into it and addicted, if you will, I found myself pulling away from it on my own, at the end. I had this odd confidence, knowing I had full access, but did not need it, it was just nice to have the freedom to choose what I wanted to see and how much of it.
I plan to make a plan in my Athletic Journal on the exact parameters of this new phase. I have done similar plans in the past that encourage masturbation, but in the end these plans do not succeed because so much of masturbation and getting horny has to do with my body's needs not some artificial structure that intends to train it into something it is not, that is unhealthy, it needs to run free, not forced masturbation, nor inhibited masturbation, just go at my own pace, my level. (The trick to increase pleasure, though, is learning how to not unload at every session, but allow the sessions to build my desires.) The difference now is that I will not feel guilty anymore if I happen upon something that turns me on and at the same time has questionable moral implications, at least for a undetermined time period, I am thinking about a month or so. My desires and my body will dictate what I look at and how often I will do it, although it would be fun to set up some personal challenges, i.e. the masturbation Olympics! I have done that before, and it was kinda fun to do.
As I mentioned, this phase will not go on forever, it will be reined in once more after my time period of absolute freedom has elapsed. In fact, I think that is what I will call this new plan, Absolute Freedom 2012. The goal is to do whatever my penis tells me to do, let it be boss of me, rather than I of it. Now that is making me hard now! Ha, just when I thought I could do no more, its time to roll again. But before I log off, I do want to underscore that this is TEMPORARILY! I do not want to turn my back on to God, I just want to see what it is like to go all the way for a bit, see what its like to give into the pleasure, then once I am there and see it for what it is, then I will determine how God is supreme in my new lifestyle. I will continue to pray for peace as I go through this process of opening up to myself. I have to say this realization is making me very happy, until next time happy gooning!
So at around mid morning, I can't say exactly when, I decided something about all of this. I should just give in to the desires and not hold anything back. I think the biggest thing holding this tension, and honestly dissatisfaction, is fear. I have fear that somehow I am disappointing God by doing what I desire, but perfect love casts out all fear. We are to have a fear of the Lord, but I can't be living like this, constantly on the edge of knife, I have decided to take the path of least resistance and become a goon.
Now there are still consequences that I cannot control, limitations no matter what I have resolved for myself in my heart. Physically I can only do so much of this. Right now, you would think I would be hard as a rock again with this admission that it is okay to engage into whatever turns me on, but I am not. I unloaded last night on my Fox racing jersey (so hot!), so I am spent for the time being, but I know that by tonight or tomorrow at the latest, I will be ready again for some action. So physically I will be limited in how much of this I can do.
Secondly, it is time. I do not want to have to face the consequences of actually changing my involvement with church, friends, and other activities, i.e. yoga, for the sake of masturbation. Not only do I further isolate myself, I think it truly is unhealthy by anyone's standards. To allow one's life to so be fully consumed by masturbation is sad, unhealthy, and--yes--immoral.
Thirdly, it is money. I don't often think about money when I talk about masturbation, but it is actually a factor. Not only do a lot of sites now require you to pay for content, or pay for your membership, there is the factor of buying gear. One of the biggest turn rushes for me, that will always be there, is the excitement of masturbating in something new. I still have the desire to buy new shoes, get MX pants, maybe buy more diapers, the list goes on and on, but my bank account does not. So in the simplest terms, this too, is a limitation that is out of my control. I think the easiest way around this is to simply budget an account solely for this activity and not feel guilty for using the funds placed therein. That way I know I have the money (or do NOT have the money) to buy something new to play in.
Fourthly, it is my faith and morality, the great inhibitors to full pleasure and release, right? Well I am taking a different approach to this, a more yogic one where I just want to play for a bit, see where it takes me. I did something similar to this before, in the past, when I allowed myself full access to any kind of porn, without any moral guilt, for a week, then I journaled about the experience. It was interesting, what I found was at first I went bonkers and had a ball looking at everything and masturbating to porn, but rather than getting more and more into it and addicted, if you will, I found myself pulling away from it on my own, at the end. I had this odd confidence, knowing I had full access, but did not need it, it was just nice to have the freedom to choose what I wanted to see and how much of it.
I plan to make a plan in my Athletic Journal on the exact parameters of this new phase. I have done similar plans in the past that encourage masturbation, but in the end these plans do not succeed because so much of masturbation and getting horny has to do with my body's needs not some artificial structure that intends to train it into something it is not, that is unhealthy, it needs to run free, not forced masturbation, nor inhibited masturbation, just go at my own pace, my level. (The trick to increase pleasure, though, is learning how to not unload at every session, but allow the sessions to build my desires.) The difference now is that I will not feel guilty anymore if I happen upon something that turns me on and at the same time has questionable moral implications, at least for a undetermined time period, I am thinking about a month or so. My desires and my body will dictate what I look at and how often I will do it, although it would be fun to set up some personal challenges, i.e. the masturbation Olympics! I have done that before, and it was kinda fun to do.
As I mentioned, this phase will not go on forever, it will be reined in once more after my time period of absolute freedom has elapsed. In fact, I think that is what I will call this new plan, Absolute Freedom 2012. The goal is to do whatever my penis tells me to do, let it be boss of me, rather than I of it. Now that is making me hard now! Ha, just when I thought I could do no more, its time to roll again. But before I log off, I do want to underscore that this is TEMPORARILY! I do not want to turn my back on to God, I just want to see what it is like to go all the way for a bit, see what its like to give into the pleasure, then once I am there and see it for what it is, then I will determine how God is supreme in my new lifestyle. I will continue to pray for peace as I go through this process of opening up to myself. I have to say this realization is making me very happy, until next time happy gooning!
Monday, June 25, 2012
Two Years Later
I can't believe how time flies. It has been two years since I last used this blog, to be honest I kind of forgot about it. I moved on and began to use other resources, or even worse I simply carried on with my life with no efforts to record anything about my personal experiences growth or regression. I think this is actually a pretty bad thing to have happen. When I don't record what I'm doing and thinking I avoid personal growth and end up in the same place I was two years ago, and considering my track record, two years from now I will still be wresting with the same old struggles.
This is the picture as I know it, and I will say that there is a lot packed into this. I know that I have covered many--if not all-- of these topics in older posts, but I think for the sake of clarity and updating my position, I will once again go over this again.
Two years ago, I wanted to dive right into the pleasure, to get addicted, like my last post indicated. To throw all caution to the wind and engage into a journey of masturbatory pleasures. Even as I write these words my penis is rock hard and I'm masturbating. This is the desire, the dream, to get drunk on my penis and all it has to offer to me, to give into its desires and to continue to give it more and more, until I reach some new plane of bate bliss, until I goon. To be honest, I almost have to shoot off a load just to be able to think rationally about the problems with total surrender to my fetishes. I will do my best to think now, because I don't want to shoot just yet.
I re-read my last blog entry and I am amazing that two years ago I came to the realization of the condition I presently find myself in. Namely that, among my many other fetishes, I have a masturbation fetish and an addiction fetish. I have since come to realize that I also have something else, that is very disturbing, I have a blasphemy fetish too. This is when I get off seeing others masturbate as a result of losing their faith, or even darker, masturbating or having sex as part of some kind of satanic rite. You would be surprised how much of the later is on the net, although I have not really found anything on ex-christian.net of someone entering into masturbation as a result of them no longer being a Baptist. I think the desire there is the false idea that Christianity prohibits all forms of pleasures, especially when it comes to masturbation and fetishes, and so by walking away from your faith it is some kind of form of liberation from these perceived inhibitors to true sexual expression and indulgence. This is of course a fetish built on false ideas about Christianity, that somehow the two are no compatible. I have worked very hard over the past few years to come to the point where I think God can and does accept me as a masturbator, or--in other words--that masturbation in its purest form as an act is not a sin.
Nonetheless, I see faith, religion, rites/ rituals, even rules promoting and encouraging masturbation, or simply sexual indulgences as a huge turn on, in fact one of the strongest I have. I have no idea what makes one fetish stronger than the others or why I am a fetishist in the first place. I can say that my sexuality is evolving as time goes on. There is also a very strong addiction cycle too, which in and of itself is yet another turn on for me. The more you engage in masturbation and porn the better it gets. That is basically the principle. I find its true, you come to crave it more and more as time goes on. Take this morning, for instance, I was up at 5:15 AM, because I could not get thoughts out of my head relating to what I am writing down now. This is why I am adding a new entry today after two years of silence. It has built up in my mind, and I have to unload somewhere, no pun intended.
So where does all of this lead me? I am not sure exactly. The struggle, as I alluded to at the start of this entry, is where is the balance. Living on the balance is very hard. My body, my desires, my fetishes that feed my desires all shout the same commands again and again, JUST DO IT! Do it, and then do it some more, this IS what addiction is. Addiction has some promises, that the more you are addicted, the more you "need" it, the better it gets. I can't even objectively talk about this fetish without eliciting some kind of physical response, my penis awaking, getting excited. But I know I cannot go all the way with this. The same reason why I could not go all the way with one of my old desires, to wear diapers 24/7 and to loose potty training. Again this is an off shoot of the same concept, just a little different. The turn on is not addiction to masturbation, but loosing control, and the idea that a penis out of control, reliant on a diapers, is somehow more excitable and easier pleased. That was the fantasy, but the issue with life is we, or at least I, cannot live out a fantasy. There are so many roadblocks. The costs in time, money, lack of friends, lack of relationships, the hypocrisy of my faith, the list go on and on. There are consequences to my actions, no matter how much the fetish fantasy demands that I disregard these consequences. I have made choices in my life, that I want to abide by. I made a choice to be a Christian. And in so doing, I need to make GOD number one and not my penis or my own lusts. As much as I want all of this to be on one plain, they cannot be reconciled. To live out my addictive life of masturbatory bliss and worship of cock (my own and seeing others) would cause me to loose my faith. Jesus said we cannot serve to masters, either we would love one and hate the other, but we cannot love both. He used it in the context of money, but lust and self worship is about the same as well. This is the smell of sin, even if the specifics of these desires are not spelled out in the Bible, in my heart I know I want to go down a dangerous path that, maybe in a weird kind of way, has contributed to my new blasphemy fetish, that my desire is to loose control and the only thing stopping it IS my faith, so then the fetish that others have made that choice and choose their penises is the turn on, why would it not be, the penis won the battle and became the new god.
To be sure, there are a lot of blogs and even some websites that speak of cock as god that are essential sites of worship and devotion, and they claim that the reward of this devotion to cock is utter bliss. I can see this is the logic, the problem is, it is decidedly evil. I mean even if I am a liberal Christian, okay with masturbation, there are still limits, how can I on Sunday Morning take communion and call Jesus my God and then come home and say, "no its actually my penis, lets worship him and make it happy again..." It just does not work like that. I have to make a choice, and I know I have made this choice many times before, but I have to make it and say NO. I am going with the one true God, not the instrument of procreation and sex. God is part of that process, He invented it, but He wants us to worship him directly, not the thing he made to make us want to have sex.
So here we are again, life on the edge. Not in the edging practice, but on the edge of healthy recreation and obsessive worship and idolatry and lust. Religion is the great inhibitor here, if I was not a Christian, I wonder how far I would go into this, but then again the whole blasphemy fetish thing would loose its meaning and would not be a turn on, but a curiosity. I know I am rambling on, I did not set up an outline for this entry, I am only spilling out my thoughts onto a screen. In my heart, I know where I can go and where I cannot go. I just need to heed that little voice, the Holy Spirit, and realize I can't have it all, as much as I want it. There is more that needs to be said, and it will be covered, but for now I need to sign off. This has helped, I know writing it down always does.
This is the picture as I know it, and I will say that there is a lot packed into this. I know that I have covered many--if not all-- of these topics in older posts, but I think for the sake of clarity and updating my position, I will once again go over this again.
Two years ago, I wanted to dive right into the pleasure, to get addicted, like my last post indicated. To throw all caution to the wind and engage into a journey of masturbatory pleasures. Even as I write these words my penis is rock hard and I'm masturbating. This is the desire, the dream, to get drunk on my penis and all it has to offer to me, to give into its desires and to continue to give it more and more, until I reach some new plane of bate bliss, until I goon. To be honest, I almost have to shoot off a load just to be able to think rationally about the problems with total surrender to my fetishes. I will do my best to think now, because I don't want to shoot just yet.
I re-read my last blog entry and I am amazing that two years ago I came to the realization of the condition I presently find myself in. Namely that, among my many other fetishes, I have a masturbation fetish and an addiction fetish. I have since come to realize that I also have something else, that is very disturbing, I have a blasphemy fetish too. This is when I get off seeing others masturbate as a result of losing their faith, or even darker, masturbating or having sex as part of some kind of satanic rite. You would be surprised how much of the later is on the net, although I have not really found anything on ex-christian.net of someone entering into masturbation as a result of them no longer being a Baptist. I think the desire there is the false idea that Christianity prohibits all forms of pleasures, especially when it comes to masturbation and fetishes, and so by walking away from your faith it is some kind of form of liberation from these perceived inhibitors to true sexual expression and indulgence. This is of course a fetish built on false ideas about Christianity, that somehow the two are no compatible. I have worked very hard over the past few years to come to the point where I think God can and does accept me as a masturbator, or--in other words--that masturbation in its purest form as an act is not a sin.
Nonetheless, I see faith, religion, rites/ rituals, even rules promoting and encouraging masturbation, or simply sexual indulgences as a huge turn on, in fact one of the strongest I have. I have no idea what makes one fetish stronger than the others or why I am a fetishist in the first place. I can say that my sexuality is evolving as time goes on. There is also a very strong addiction cycle too, which in and of itself is yet another turn on for me. The more you engage in masturbation and porn the better it gets. That is basically the principle. I find its true, you come to crave it more and more as time goes on. Take this morning, for instance, I was up at 5:15 AM, because I could not get thoughts out of my head relating to what I am writing down now. This is why I am adding a new entry today after two years of silence. It has built up in my mind, and I have to unload somewhere, no pun intended.
So where does all of this lead me? I am not sure exactly. The struggle, as I alluded to at the start of this entry, is where is the balance. Living on the balance is very hard. My body, my desires, my fetishes that feed my desires all shout the same commands again and again, JUST DO IT! Do it, and then do it some more, this IS what addiction is. Addiction has some promises, that the more you are addicted, the more you "need" it, the better it gets. I can't even objectively talk about this fetish without eliciting some kind of physical response, my penis awaking, getting excited. But I know I cannot go all the way with this. The same reason why I could not go all the way with one of my old desires, to wear diapers 24/7 and to loose potty training. Again this is an off shoot of the same concept, just a little different. The turn on is not addiction to masturbation, but loosing control, and the idea that a penis out of control, reliant on a diapers, is somehow more excitable and easier pleased. That was the fantasy, but the issue with life is we, or at least I, cannot live out a fantasy. There are so many roadblocks. The costs in time, money, lack of friends, lack of relationships, the hypocrisy of my faith, the list go on and on. There are consequences to my actions, no matter how much the fetish fantasy demands that I disregard these consequences. I have made choices in my life, that I want to abide by. I made a choice to be a Christian. And in so doing, I need to make GOD number one and not my penis or my own lusts. As much as I want all of this to be on one plain, they cannot be reconciled. To live out my addictive life of masturbatory bliss and worship of cock (my own and seeing others) would cause me to loose my faith. Jesus said we cannot serve to masters, either we would love one and hate the other, but we cannot love both. He used it in the context of money, but lust and self worship is about the same as well. This is the smell of sin, even if the specifics of these desires are not spelled out in the Bible, in my heart I know I want to go down a dangerous path that, maybe in a weird kind of way, has contributed to my new blasphemy fetish, that my desire is to loose control and the only thing stopping it IS my faith, so then the fetish that others have made that choice and choose their penises is the turn on, why would it not be, the penis won the battle and became the new god.
To be sure, there are a lot of blogs and even some websites that speak of cock as god that are essential sites of worship and devotion, and they claim that the reward of this devotion to cock is utter bliss. I can see this is the logic, the problem is, it is decidedly evil. I mean even if I am a liberal Christian, okay with masturbation, there are still limits, how can I on Sunday Morning take communion and call Jesus my God and then come home and say, "no its actually my penis, lets worship him and make it happy again..." It just does not work like that. I have to make a choice, and I know I have made this choice many times before, but I have to make it and say NO. I am going with the one true God, not the instrument of procreation and sex. God is part of that process, He invented it, but He wants us to worship him directly, not the thing he made to make us want to have sex.
So here we are again, life on the edge. Not in the edging practice, but on the edge of healthy recreation and obsessive worship and idolatry and lust. Religion is the great inhibitor here, if I was not a Christian, I wonder how far I would go into this, but then again the whole blasphemy fetish thing would loose its meaning and would not be a turn on, but a curiosity. I know I am rambling on, I did not set up an outline for this entry, I am only spilling out my thoughts onto a screen. In my heart, I know where I can go and where I cannot go. I just need to heed that little voice, the Holy Spirit, and realize I can't have it all, as much as I want it. There is more that needs to be said, and it will be covered, but for now I need to sign off. This has helped, I know writing it down always does.
Saturday, August 14, 2010
This is what Addiction is
Wow, I have changed a lot in the last few weeks. I think last time I mentioned that I'm no longer able to get onto xtube, which is really quite annoying since that is the only free website that has free videos of guys jacking in sports gear. I crave seeing rubberfirefighters "trail suck" again or something like it. I became a subscriber of gear fetish, which has really gotten me started since there is a lot of material on there, I could be on there all morning if I didn't have a life. But I want more, you see the pictures are not enough anymore. I want live action video and I want to see guys getting off, not just nice pics of their gear.
I have learned that I have a masturbation and addiction fetish, not to be confused with a fetish addiction. The addiction itself is the fetish. This is something I have not really broken out before, but it makes perfect sense. Reading about my love of "priapus" was all about the addiction, the "decent into masturbatory worship" the "giving into it" the Dave Mathews Band blog about the masturbation contest and seeing one of the participants, Adam, literally become addicted through his posts. So I run through the blog rolls since that is the only easy access I still have. There is plenty of content, trust me. So many blogs devoted to gay sex and masturbation, there must be at least 100 out there if not more.
I woke up today craving the blogs, wanting to jack off again. I have been consistent, doing it about 2-3 times daily now, since about a week ago. Last Sunday I did it 6 times! Yeah I get off, get hard, work it for a few minutes, and then stop, wait and start all over again. It's this addiction contest, who can get addicted the fastest, me or Mark Green. I checked in with my friend and he had gone 25 times only 10 days into August, I can't compete with that! Boy he really is so addicted, that is so hot!
I've seen so much porn today already, so much flesh. I thought I would have more self control, but I know I don't. Its so easy to give into the bate, to get deep into the bate and edge for hours. Even now my penis is reacting, getting larger in the excitement of maybe another session.
This is what addiction is. I can feel it now, I can see how other get into it. You just don't stop, you keep going, keep pursuing it, you keep getting deeper into the bate. But am I happy? The answer is no.
Doing this is obviously not what God wants, at least not to the point in which I have done it, the images I have seen. There is a blog however, for Christian masturbaters. I found it exciting at first that there are others out there just like me, others that have faith, that have a conscious, that are not totally depraved and given over to their sin. I will continue to seek comfort and guidance as I read that blog, a light in the darkness.
So far this month I'm at 27 times in 14 days. Looks pretty clear that I will make it 31 times. This is a new level of involvement. I'll be curious how far I allow myself to go. More later.
I have learned that I have a masturbation and addiction fetish, not to be confused with a fetish addiction. The addiction itself is the fetish. This is something I have not really broken out before, but it makes perfect sense. Reading about my love of "priapus" was all about the addiction, the "decent into masturbatory worship" the "giving into it" the Dave Mathews Band blog about the masturbation contest and seeing one of the participants, Adam, literally become addicted through his posts. So I run through the blog rolls since that is the only easy access I still have. There is plenty of content, trust me. So many blogs devoted to gay sex and masturbation, there must be at least 100 out there if not more.
I woke up today craving the blogs, wanting to jack off again. I have been consistent, doing it about 2-3 times daily now, since about a week ago. Last Sunday I did it 6 times! Yeah I get off, get hard, work it for a few minutes, and then stop, wait and start all over again. It's this addiction contest, who can get addicted the fastest, me or Mark Green. I checked in with my friend and he had gone 25 times only 10 days into August, I can't compete with that! Boy he really is so addicted, that is so hot!
I've seen so much porn today already, so much flesh. I thought I would have more self control, but I know I don't. Its so easy to give into the bate, to get deep into the bate and edge for hours. Even now my penis is reacting, getting larger in the excitement of maybe another session.
This is what addiction is. I can feel it now, I can see how other get into it. You just don't stop, you keep going, keep pursuing it, you keep getting deeper into the bate. But am I happy? The answer is no.
Doing this is obviously not what God wants, at least not to the point in which I have done it, the images I have seen. There is a blog however, for Christian masturbaters. I found it exciting at first that there are others out there just like me, others that have faith, that have a conscious, that are not totally depraved and given over to their sin. I will continue to seek comfort and guidance as I read that blog, a light in the darkness.
So far this month I'm at 27 times in 14 days. Looks pretty clear that I will make it 31 times. This is a new level of involvement. I'll be curious how far I allow myself to go. More later.
Friday, August 6, 2010
No more Xtube!!!
Ok, so a lot has happen in the last few months. I have been meaning to add an entry to this blog for some time now, but have never gotten around to it. Where to begin. Today, or rather, this month has been interesting on the masturbation front, which in all reality is the reason I started this blog in the first place. I wanted a place where I can write down my thoughts in an anonymous format so I could process and reflect. I somehow got this idea while I was on this cruise, that I needed to play another masturbation game with myself. This was rather simple. Masturbate 31 times in 31 days, basically all of the month of August. Why on earth do I want to do this? Well the first reason was to see if I could, sort of a "challenge". I seem to have no doubt at all that it is possible. So far I have gone 5 times in the last 8 days, not a bad start huh? I started this game on the third! LOL.
So ok, I'm going to play this game. Well it seems only natural that in order for me to be able to build up the desire and need to masturbate once a day (usually cumming, as I have done not 15 minutes ago) that I need to get "horned up" Make myself horny. This is a fun process for sure. The issue I ran across when I got home was NetDog, my pron filter, which I added xtube to to block. I felt great about this at the time until I mistakenly made such an obscure password, which was intentional so I could not break it in moments of lust, that I cannot bypass it. Even if I try to remove it, it wont go off without the stupid pass. I have come to terms with myself that compared to some really hardcore pron out there that is made by porn stars, what I'm after is mild. I don't want to see naked women having sex or masturbating, I don't really care to see guys having sex either, to be honest. I know its hard core and not right to see. All I want to see is the 23 year old guy in soccer gear jerking off, is that so bad? Or a guy in basketball shorts, or two guys having dirt bike sex, okay I know that is going hard core there but I have to say it looked really good, I mean the gear, not the sex. I want to see other guys like me masturbating in their gear and hot sneakers.
The great thing about xtube is it is made up of armature videos, people like me, who are not out there to make money, just to show off their gear on camera. That is what I miss and there seems to be no way I can get that back. I went to Redtube (horrible porn site) and then to a smattering of others that seem to be more gay focused than gear focused. I finally settled on gaytube, looking at what came up under "basketball shorts, they only had three videos and none of them were really all that good.
I know these sentiments are a departure from where I have been on this issue in the past. I know I have always tried to seek a level of balance when it comes to masturbation and porn. But there are times when I just want to go back to xtube and see my old videos again. I guess the only real solution is just for me to go ahead and buy a new computer. But in the mean time I need to learn to live without this stuff. Thank goodness I still have access to gear fetish, the only real site out there for people who are into gear more than just guys.
There is something else too, something deeper that is lurking inside wanting to be born into words, into reality. I have doubts again about my path when it comes to masturbation on looking on line. I feel in so many ways I'm leading a double life or something. I am going to sponsor someone for baptism this Sunday and all I can think about it getting on line so I can get off. I regret that. Its this game you see. It was born out of a jet lagged mind in an airplane. I just thought of it out of the blue and then it became an reality. I don't want to stop, because then this game will end up like the rest, a wasted effort. I fail at all my masturbation plans, whether they are to stop or to start. Why is that? Why is it that I have no resolve? Is it that my body just can't do it? That I lack the stamina to do games and yet I cannot go forever not playing with myself.
So here is the hard part. I need to look again at limits. I know I can't add or delete what my porn blocker can block, I literally have no control over it. So this one is just going to have to come from my own desire to do what is right, to walk in Christ. No more explicit gay porn. Yeah that means no gay tube or any of that...err. So it will come down to only gearfetish.com or some gear fetish styled videos...many of which are on youtube, so maybe that will be it? Also, I really need to just cool it when it comes to masturbating. Yeah yeah I know the game will be spoiled, but I can take a day off and then masturbate twice the next day...so its not impossible to do it. But I think, one again, this is becoming bigger than I wanted it to be. It has become a consumption of my time. This is especially unhealthy for my walk with Christ. Where my penis is the main focus, not God. That is wrong, I know it. So....I will not give up, but I will not try as hard with this game...I hope this helps.
So ok, I'm going to play this game. Well it seems only natural that in order for me to be able to build up the desire and need to masturbate once a day (usually cumming, as I have done not 15 minutes ago) that I need to get "horned up" Make myself horny. This is a fun process for sure. The issue I ran across when I got home was NetDog, my pron filter, which I added xtube to to block. I felt great about this at the time until I mistakenly made such an obscure password, which was intentional so I could not break it in moments of lust, that I cannot bypass it. Even if I try to remove it, it wont go off without the stupid pass. I have come to terms with myself that compared to some really hardcore pron out there that is made by porn stars, what I'm after is mild. I don't want to see naked women having sex or masturbating, I don't really care to see guys having sex either, to be honest. I know its hard core and not right to see. All I want to see is the 23 year old guy in soccer gear jerking off, is that so bad? Or a guy in basketball shorts, or two guys having dirt bike sex, okay I know that is going hard core there but I have to say it looked really good, I mean the gear, not the sex. I want to see other guys like me masturbating in their gear and hot sneakers.
The great thing about xtube is it is made up of armature videos, people like me, who are not out there to make money, just to show off their gear on camera. That is what I miss and there seems to be no way I can get that back. I went to Redtube (horrible porn site) and then to a smattering of others that seem to be more gay focused than gear focused. I finally settled on gaytube, looking at what came up under "basketball shorts, they only had three videos and none of them were really all that good.
I know these sentiments are a departure from where I have been on this issue in the past. I know I have always tried to seek a level of balance when it comes to masturbation and porn. But there are times when I just want to go back to xtube and see my old videos again. I guess the only real solution is just for me to go ahead and buy a new computer. But in the mean time I need to learn to live without this stuff. Thank goodness I still have access to gear fetish, the only real site out there for people who are into gear more than just guys.
There is something else too, something deeper that is lurking inside wanting to be born into words, into reality. I have doubts again about my path when it comes to masturbation on looking on line. I feel in so many ways I'm leading a double life or something. I am going to sponsor someone for baptism this Sunday and all I can think about it getting on line so I can get off. I regret that. Its this game you see. It was born out of a jet lagged mind in an airplane. I just thought of it out of the blue and then it became an reality. I don't want to stop, because then this game will end up like the rest, a wasted effort. I fail at all my masturbation plans, whether they are to stop or to start. Why is that? Why is it that I have no resolve? Is it that my body just can't do it? That I lack the stamina to do games and yet I cannot go forever not playing with myself.
So here is the hard part. I need to look again at limits. I know I can't add or delete what my porn blocker can block, I literally have no control over it. So this one is just going to have to come from my own desire to do what is right, to walk in Christ. No more explicit gay porn. Yeah that means no gay tube or any of that...err. So it will come down to only gearfetish.com or some gear fetish styled videos...many of which are on youtube, so maybe that will be it? Also, I really need to just cool it when it comes to masturbating. Yeah yeah I know the game will be spoiled, but I can take a day off and then masturbate twice the next day...so its not impossible to do it. But I think, one again, this is becoming bigger than I wanted it to be. It has become a consumption of my time. This is especially unhealthy for my walk with Christ. Where my penis is the main focus, not God. That is wrong, I know it. So....I will not give up, but I will not try as hard with this game...I hope this helps.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)