Update on Work and Home Life

I am glad I get to spend some more time today journaling for there is a lot on which I need to update. I sat down just now at my computer with the idea that I would do good and work on updating my budget, but I know now I need to take some moments to update my journal blog. This is the medium by which I sort out my thoughts, fears, hopes, and future aspirations.

The most impacting thing that has occurred really is something that has been happening at work. I never journal about work, because so often it is not something worth reflecting on. I like what I do, but it is rarely in my thoughts. About two weeks ago now, or maybe a little more than that, I was led down the primrose path so to speak. I was given the charming new idea that I should solicit extra help from the Admin. Assistant for some of my lighter, administrative type duties. I was able to justify this based off of my work load in current planning and that I felt much of that could be transfered to a permit clerk type position. My goal for a long time has been to get out from under the weight of dealing with current planning. I thought this could be a solution that would work, at least on a trial basis, while I was working on getting some Code revisions made that had been off schedule since the other planner left.

Well what ended up happening was so much worse, the whole idea as it was, has backfired and I have instead ended up with a micro manager over me. My actual boss seems to be impotent when it comes to dealing with personnel issues. The worse part of this is I have new hard deadlines for when I can get all these projects done, that likely would not have been imposed so imperialistically had I just kept my head low. The dynamics of my work place are coercive. There is no place for creative ideas or suggestions, and all that leads to is other people who come in and try to fix your problems for you without an inkling of an idea what is needed to fix them. It's like asking your dentist to fix your toilet, it's just not going to be done right.

It seems that whenever I try to do anything to elevate my own position, I get stamped down by people who by the sheer luck of their own circumstances are in the power to do so. Are they more qualified? I don't think so, they just have earned some trust and have been given dangerous amounts of power. It's rather scary what is happening and what I am seeing. If my old boss was here, he would not believe how much has changed. My office manager lives in a spirit of fear. And I am ashamed to say that she often gets me to feel the same way. "Oh, if you do stay late you may get in trouble!" My freedoms are eroding because my boss seems to lack the ability to supervise and direct his own employees, because he also lives in the same spirit of fear. He is a nice man, very easy to get along with, but that is the problem, he is too eager to please everyone and this allows things to happen that simply are not right, this has been an issue for years. We had others in the past that didn't have this same fear, and I would dare say that I think they excelled. I tried to use the same boldness, by challenging false statements and accusations, but this seems to get me no where. I am under a lot of pressure and attention, much if not all is unneeded. I assumed, wrongly, that with staff leaving right and left, I would be able to justify my position, justify my need for clerical aide. But once again I have assumed wrongly.

They will help. I did win that battle, but never on the terms that I recommended. Now if this was not all bad enough, something else happened to make matter worse. Not only do I have this very strenuous deadline, I had about 80% of my files get deleted last Wednesday. What the heck is up with that? So I am dealing with the fallout of my office work for years on end being deleted into the vapor of cyberspace. It's a miracle I am taking this as well as I am considering all that has been thrown at me. What is even more painful about this is not just the data lose, it's the accusations being made behind closed doors and in secret places. I have no idea where this will lead, my guess is that nothing will come of it, but if sabotage is brought up to the CEO, I guarantee there will be hell to pay for all of us.

So where do I go from here? That is a great question! I think I have learned that first off I am working in a coercive work environment. That in this environment I must keep my head low in order to survive. Meaning that if I try to do anything that draws attention to myself or my work, it will end up with more attention and micro management and control. If I try to draw this out in the open, and rock the boat, it will only result in more meetings, more accusations, and more control and more wasted time without there being a positive result or outcome. That the best way for me to get out of this unscathed, if that is even a possibility at this point, is for me to give out the bear minimum about of information on what I am doing and for me to continue to meet or exceed deadlines. When there is nothing for them to use against me, I think they will realize that they have other more pressing issues at hand than to micro manage me. All I can do is what they ask of me, no more, no less.

Meanwhile, after I have busied myself with my Code writing delights, I will seek earnestly for new employment. I am in chains here, there is no freedom for me to even ask what I may do and it's getting to the point that I don't even have the power to think for myself what is even a good idea. The head CEO of where I work (I will not be as transparent on the inter web as I am in my own private journals, but that's the draw back of this medium) is a reacter. He reacts to things and makes decisions. He does not plan, organize, or provide any rational thought to issues, but rather applies arbitrary deadlines and solutions on the fly that may or may not work (whether they do or not is inconsequential, as long as the solution is pursued). He doesn't bother himself with the details, but expects results without even giving a thought what the human or financial costs are to attain them. If you try to being these up you get slapped with deadlines and solutions that are impractical or even borderline ridiculous. This is the power that I speak of and his power is given away to others who know even less of what is really happening. This configuration leaves no room for improvement. There seems to be nothing anyone can do. So now it is time for me to do what I need to do. Get out! Get Out Now!

I commit to looking at jobs and sending out letters are resumes at least once a week. I know its going to suck, but I don't care, as detailed so clearly above, there is nothing I can do, no room to grow, nothing to look forward to. I need air to breathe, I need to move on, it's time, its been time for a very long time now. Now I see so clearly why others would not work under him, I cannot imagine what it is like to deal with him on a daily basis.

I was going to journal some on my personal life. But time is passing me by and I don't have the time to go into this in great detail. All I can say now is that I have prayed about not doing Doors of Hope. I think I am going to be taking a break for some time, until I feel I have the need to go back into it. The course is drumming the same truths in me time and time again without me struggling with them anymore. It also takes about an hour to do everyday, and that time can be used better in other areas. I continue to grapple with masturbation, but I am under the strict rule of only doing it when I need to do it. I don't think that is any form of self gratification, if my body is needing it. I aim to do it less and less and so far I am meeting this goal. I just will not feed my lusts and I think I will be okay. I saw a counselor about this and I think he helped me get back on the right track. I'm sure my mentor will question my salvation and my sin, but honestly it's not any of his business. He only sees the world in black and white, there are no shades of gray.
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