BR 0.58
So you are wondering why it has taken me this long to contribute to this blog, I have to say my only excuse at the present quarter is apathy. I have received several comments from you, my faithful readers, wanting me to go more in depth about my masturbation experiences. I appreciate the feedback, but I think I will not make that my life focus, as it seems that that subject has dominated others recently. Don't get me wrong, I am all for masturbation, but what else is there to really talk about on the subject, other than just going over the same details I have before; the various intricacies of my fetishes and the fact that they, in some way, have prevented me from entering into a meaningful relationship with someone? These are always going to be background issues for me, no matter what time or season of life I find myself in.
With all that said, I think I will try to broaden the scope of my on line journal to other issues and thoughts as they strike me. That is not to say that I will not journal about my sexual identity, masturbation, fetishes and the like, it just won't be the only thing I write about. That is all I have time for at the moment, just wanted to let you all know I am still out there figuring all this stuff out. Oh, and congrats to the Red Socks!
Friday, November 1, 2013
Monday, September 2, 2013
Clocks versus Cocks: Decline into normalcy
BR .6324045
I definitely sense that I am in a period of decline as far as my masturbatory activity. This is clearly seen in the data I keep and am very proud of. My peak for this period, and I believe for the year, was on August 5th with a BR of .65458. This is higher than anything I achieved last year. But, as the title of this post indicates, this rate will not likely be attained again, unless I go on some crazy binge, which at the moment, I am not inclined to do.
So what happened? Well I have just gotten off of a major life roller coaster, where I was not sure if I was going to be moving, the anxiety alone shut down my masturbation--at least for the short term. I then have had things remarkably stabilize in a way I did not expect, and circumstances at work allowed me to stay on where I am for at least another 5 years. So then without a move looming, my life was allowed to return to somewhat a normal status, but with this the masturbation desires did not return. Now don't get me wrong, I have continued to masturbate about once every 2-3 days, but hardly the daily run I was at in the early part of August, before my interview and job offer.
This still does not explain why I have not returned. I think my interests have just shifted, I have realized that being a full time masturbator is not me, despite what I have written here in the past. I went ahead and cancelled my bateworld subscription when I came to realize how expensive it was, something like 25 bucks every couple of months, and that does add up. I kept thinking of the things I could buy with that money, which is the reason for my odd post title. What on earth do clocks have to do with anything?
Well I could not resist the cleverness of he title, the words only having one letter difference and the relevancy for me is that I am a clock collector, well sort of. I have a passion for time and time pieces, it goes along with my obsession with the weather and meteorological observations. Yes, it is true, I am not some super hot athlete who rides motocross all day, despite my aspirations to be like that, I do have another life with hobbies and interests outside of sex and gratification. So, all this is to say that I have a desire to buy a certain clock on eBay, and well the thought came to me that I am wasting money on a subscription, when I could use that same money for this clock I want to buy. Seems simple enough, but if you drill down, it shows a shift, a shift away from bateworld and into different hobbies.
I am no longer that interested in bateworld, as I feel I have already explored the site and have not really met anyone there of consequence. Don't get me wrong though, there are many fine people on that site, but I just feel that its all about masturbation and there is no real opportunity to really know anyone there is a meaningful way. So why be a member there? I may, in a few weeks, feel differently about all of this, but nothing I do can shed the utter emptiness I feel after cuming on bateworld. Its just so vapid, I need more. The excitement of being on that site has worn off, the expectations that I would get something out of the groups has worn off, masturbation addiction has worn off, I am no longer drawn to that leg of my trifecta.
So from here on out I plan to just masturbate when I feel like I want to, pretty much where I was before and much of my life, you cannot push or restrain it, that is the main lesson I have learned. It is its own governor. On a clock, the chime is governed by a fly wheel, and that keeps the chime movement in time so it won't chime too slow or fast, so it is the same with masturbation, there is--at least for me-- a built in governor, and your body simply makes it so you have no interest in getting horny when it knows you have had enough. And even if I want it to go faster, that internal fly wheel will keep me in time.
I definitely sense that I am in a period of decline as far as my masturbatory activity. This is clearly seen in the data I keep and am very proud of. My peak for this period, and I believe for the year, was on August 5th with a BR of .65458. This is higher than anything I achieved last year. But, as the title of this post indicates, this rate will not likely be attained again, unless I go on some crazy binge, which at the moment, I am not inclined to do.
So what happened? Well I have just gotten off of a major life roller coaster, where I was not sure if I was going to be moving, the anxiety alone shut down my masturbation--at least for the short term. I then have had things remarkably stabilize in a way I did not expect, and circumstances at work allowed me to stay on where I am for at least another 5 years. So then without a move looming, my life was allowed to return to somewhat a normal status, but with this the masturbation desires did not return. Now don't get me wrong, I have continued to masturbate about once every 2-3 days, but hardly the daily run I was at in the early part of August, before my interview and job offer.
This still does not explain why I have not returned. I think my interests have just shifted, I have realized that being a full time masturbator is not me, despite what I have written here in the past. I went ahead and cancelled my bateworld subscription when I came to realize how expensive it was, something like 25 bucks every couple of months, and that does add up. I kept thinking of the things I could buy with that money, which is the reason for my odd post title. What on earth do clocks have to do with anything?
Well I could not resist the cleverness of he title, the words only having one letter difference and the relevancy for me is that I am a clock collector, well sort of. I have a passion for time and time pieces, it goes along with my obsession with the weather and meteorological observations. Yes, it is true, I am not some super hot athlete who rides motocross all day, despite my aspirations to be like that, I do have another life with hobbies and interests outside of sex and gratification. So, all this is to say that I have a desire to buy a certain clock on eBay, and well the thought came to me that I am wasting money on a subscription, when I could use that same money for this clock I want to buy. Seems simple enough, but if you drill down, it shows a shift, a shift away from bateworld and into different hobbies.
I am no longer that interested in bateworld, as I feel I have already explored the site and have not really met anyone there of consequence. Don't get me wrong though, there are many fine people on that site, but I just feel that its all about masturbation and there is no real opportunity to really know anyone there is a meaningful way. So why be a member there? I may, in a few weeks, feel differently about all of this, but nothing I do can shed the utter emptiness I feel after cuming on bateworld. Its just so vapid, I need more. The excitement of being on that site has worn off, the expectations that I would get something out of the groups has worn off, masturbation addiction has worn off, I am no longer drawn to that leg of my trifecta.
So from here on out I plan to just masturbate when I feel like I want to, pretty much where I was before and much of my life, you cannot push or restrain it, that is the main lesson I have learned. It is its own governor. On a clock, the chime is governed by a fly wheel, and that keeps the chime movement in time so it won't chime too slow or fast, so it is the same with masturbation, there is--at least for me-- a built in governor, and your body simply makes it so you have no interest in getting horny when it knows you have had enough. And even if I want it to go faster, that internal fly wheel will keep me in time.
Saturday, August 17, 2013
Life Decision
BR 0.64774
I have not masturbated for six days. I cannot think of another time, except maybe when I was on vacation, when I have not done it for this long. I am not on some plan of action to stop, or any major changes of heart on my past reflections on the pleasures and joys of masturbation. No, what has happened is my life has figuratively turned upside down. There is a strong possibility that I will be moving out of state. The issue is my current employer is fighting to keep me where I am. Part of me loathes the thought of moving, pulling up my roots, leaving friends, programs I'm involved with, everything to move to a strange city all for the glory of more money and more experience, to advance my career.
I think I would not be freaking out if I just knew that it was a sure thing, that I will definitely move and I need to start the moving process of packing, finding a new place, saying good buy to friends, but without that clarity of decision, I am left in an impossible position of waiting until Monday to find out what my employer is willing to do to keep me where I am and if that is enough for me to tell my future employer, "thanks, but no thanks." This would screw them over, but in the end I need to do what is in my best interest. So now it is just a painful, excruciating waiting game. I want to drop clues to people that I may be gone in two weeks, but if I am not going, then it would all be pointless. I already have told several people, mostly professional colleagues, that I am leaving, but this was all before I found out that my current employer is willing to fight for me. It is the ever shifting equation that is making my decision impossible and the longer I am in this state of unclarity, the more difficult it is for me to cope.
It may turn out that the last Sunday I am at my church is the same Sunday I let people know I am leaving. I know those of you out there who do not attend church may not think much of this, but as a single guy in a smaller town, the church for me has been my lifeblood. It is my social group, I have some very good friends there and the fact that I would leave the same day I tell them I am leaving will make my leaving all the more painful for them, and for me too. I guess this is what life is about, we have these period of uncertainty and indecision.
I have had others tell me that this is a great place to be, that I am being fought over means that I am the one who wins, I will better my situation as a result. The problem lies in that fact of the professional realities of me staying where I am. I am in a profession that seems to provide more advantages to those who seek out more advanced opportunities. I know I am being cryptic here, but given the nature of this blog, I am not going to reveal who I am. Just know that if I don't leave where I am and I am not taking on increasing responsibilities, then it would be detrimental for my career and the ability to seek out other employment in the future. I am not saying that it would be the worst for me if I was to stay, just much, much harder to leave in the future if I do decide to remain here. Nothing wrong with that, I would just need to decide if that is what I want to do with my life. I live in a small town and if you read this blog, you know I am gay, so.... it seems that to be in a relationship with another guy, it would be better for me to be in a City where there would be less judgement on me for living out that lifestyle. So the scales seems to be on the side of me moving, but....there are such strong forces that are wanting to keep me here, both internal and external. The fact I have no place I can call home, if I was to stay, where I am would be my home, there would be no doubt about that anymore.
I want to ramble on, but feel I would be getting diminishing returns on doing that, I will be typing and typing in circles and I am not sure I would have any more clarity on my situation. In fact I know I would not because everything hinges on what my current employer can do for me, how much money are we talking about here? So there it is, I will post more when I know what I am doing and maybe then my life will return to normal, for now though I don't feel like bating at all, just too much on edge about everything, but I may do it anyway to take off the edge....while edging! LOL Laters....
I have not masturbated for six days. I cannot think of another time, except maybe when I was on vacation, when I have not done it for this long. I am not on some plan of action to stop, or any major changes of heart on my past reflections on the pleasures and joys of masturbation. No, what has happened is my life has figuratively turned upside down. There is a strong possibility that I will be moving out of state. The issue is my current employer is fighting to keep me where I am. Part of me loathes the thought of moving, pulling up my roots, leaving friends, programs I'm involved with, everything to move to a strange city all for the glory of more money and more experience, to advance my career.
I think I would not be freaking out if I just knew that it was a sure thing, that I will definitely move and I need to start the moving process of packing, finding a new place, saying good buy to friends, but without that clarity of decision, I am left in an impossible position of waiting until Monday to find out what my employer is willing to do to keep me where I am and if that is enough for me to tell my future employer, "thanks, but no thanks." This would screw them over, but in the end I need to do what is in my best interest. So now it is just a painful, excruciating waiting game. I want to drop clues to people that I may be gone in two weeks, but if I am not going, then it would all be pointless. I already have told several people, mostly professional colleagues, that I am leaving, but this was all before I found out that my current employer is willing to fight for me. It is the ever shifting equation that is making my decision impossible and the longer I am in this state of unclarity, the more difficult it is for me to cope.
It may turn out that the last Sunday I am at my church is the same Sunday I let people know I am leaving. I know those of you out there who do not attend church may not think much of this, but as a single guy in a smaller town, the church for me has been my lifeblood. It is my social group, I have some very good friends there and the fact that I would leave the same day I tell them I am leaving will make my leaving all the more painful for them, and for me too. I guess this is what life is about, we have these period of uncertainty and indecision.
I have had others tell me that this is a great place to be, that I am being fought over means that I am the one who wins, I will better my situation as a result. The problem lies in that fact of the professional realities of me staying where I am. I am in a profession that seems to provide more advantages to those who seek out more advanced opportunities. I know I am being cryptic here, but given the nature of this blog, I am not going to reveal who I am. Just know that if I don't leave where I am and I am not taking on increasing responsibilities, then it would be detrimental for my career and the ability to seek out other employment in the future. I am not saying that it would be the worst for me if I was to stay, just much, much harder to leave in the future if I do decide to remain here. Nothing wrong with that, I would just need to decide if that is what I want to do with my life. I live in a small town and if you read this blog, you know I am gay, so.... it seems that to be in a relationship with another guy, it would be better for me to be in a City where there would be less judgement on me for living out that lifestyle. So the scales seems to be on the side of me moving, but....there are such strong forces that are wanting to keep me here, both internal and external. The fact I have no place I can call home, if I was to stay, where I am would be my home, there would be no doubt about that anymore.
I want to ramble on, but feel I would be getting diminishing returns on doing that, I will be typing and typing in circles and I am not sure I would have any more clarity on my situation. In fact I know I would not because everything hinges on what my current employer can do for me, how much money are we talking about here? So there it is, I will post more when I know what I am doing and maybe then my life will return to normal, for now though I don't feel like bating at all, just too much on edge about everything, but I may do it anyway to take off the edge....while edging! LOL Laters....
Tuesday, August 6, 2013
The Trifecta of Pleasure and My Understanding of It
BR 0.65458. I have masturbated 142 times in 2013.
I've come to a clearer understanding of what makes me tick, sexually speaking. I will never be able to turn off my analytical side when it comes to this stuff, and so I've been meaning to write some more about this in the past few days. I hate for too much time to pass and then I would have forgotten what I've discovered.
So, what is this trifecta of pleasure? Well I will draw it out, this is my first attempt to do this on a blog, so bear with me! Epic fail, I tried to draw it and blogger freaked out, so here is a simpler version.
Phallic Worship Fetish -----> Masturbation Addiction Fetish
Dumbing Down Fetish -----> Masturbation Addiction Fetish
Now this is by no means comprehensive. I do have other fetishes and desires that do not fit into this trifecta. It would be better if I could have a third arrow for everything else, but I can't get that to work without using some kind of drawing program, which I don't have the time or patience to experiment with.
So when I go back and look at what really turns me on at my core, it is these things. Let me go through them one by one.
Phallic Worship Fetish. Anyone who has read my blog knows that one of my most popular posts was on Priapas Temple. If you don't recall off hand what that is, it is a group of people who have made worshipping the phallic or penis as their prime purpose in life. This has tied into my need to bring religion into my masturbation since religion was the main reason I was compelled to not enjoy the pleasure masturbation and orgasm can bring. This is further enhanced by seeing rules for practice that encourages and even commands the cock worshippers to service their member for the good of themselves and the community. It is rather more focused on group sex, orgies, circle jerks, and the like than sheer solo sexualism. I have taken this a step further by my reading the Bible of Cock and Bible of Man that have attempted to make scripture out of the devotion and worship of cock, and in worship that means stimulation to climax. This ties into the need to find ex-Christian groups, even Satanic communities that affirm the love of cock and its worship as yet another layer to get closer to my carnal need to reject Christianity for the sake of self-love.
As I have mentioned in past posts, this is all built on a very conservative, inflexible reading of Scripture that states that all forms of masturbation is a sin and is lust. So of course if one rebells against this there is much pleasure to be had in doing it and your cock grows in the excitement of being released from the spiritual prison. What is wrong with this idea is that true faith in God does allow sexual pleasure in the form of masturbation, as long as you are not lusting after another's body or making it into idol worship. Taking phallic worship to the extreme is sin, it is replacing the one true God with one that was created by God. The key to understand here is that God did create our penises and and He saw to it that His creation was good, read the Genesis account. Therefore, it is not unreasonable that He created masturbation, or at he bear minimum, allowed it to be done. There could have been so many alternatives to the human design that would have prevented the act of masturbation. Sexual pleasure only being realized by the physical act of intercourse, perhaps by the release of some enzyme or something that would ONLY allow orgasm when in the act of sex....BUT that is NOT how we were created, now is it? So is it so unreasonable to assume that masturbation, in its purest form, can be a Holy act unto the Lord? I think it can be, therefore, this idea of ex-Christian masturbation is silly, and yet it is somehow ingrained into my sexual identity that there is still pleasure found in losing your faith for your cock. I will need to focus less on this and more on the spiritual blessing of masturbation to break this connection, it is unholy for me to find pleasure in the demonic.
This phallic worship also ties into masturbation addiction, which is yet another angle. The center of the trifecta. But I will want to leave that aside for now to address the other side of the trifecta, dumbing down fetish. This is a strange and complicated one to explain to anyone. It basically comes into the idea that with the loss of intelligence, there is pleasure. This is directly related to regression fantasies, which tie into ABDL. I wrote a story (email me if you want the link, you have to be members of the site to see it) that dealt with this very thing. The main character is regressed and he finds pleasure in loosing his intelligence, the more he fails, the better it feels. The more wetting he has accidents and acts like a baby or toddler, the better he feels. And in feeling better, it means more intense and frequent orgasms, more masturbation. Losers masturbate; boys with untied, loose sneakers, masturbate. They are dumb and find pleasure in their stupidity. So there is much to unpack here, a lot of tie ins with athletic gear as a means to feel like a dumb jock with a hard cock! Wow, that rhymed! Anyways, diapers, regression, loose athletic styled clothing all plays into the --lets get dumb and get off on getting dumb.
The problem here is not moralistic, it is practical!! I suppose there can be an argument made for not allowing yourself to be made dumb by someone as an immoral thing, God made you to be smart, etc., but that is not the main issue. The issue is that I don't really want to be dumb, I just like the feeling of being dumb, or being made to be dumb. This, of course, plays out not with a phallic bible, but through hypnosis. There are actually files that play right into this very fantasy. Smart people who are burdened with the responsibility of intelligence and wish to escape into a realm where he can exist and be simple and know only pleasure and bliss. Whether it is a regression store or a hypnotic file, it goes deep. So how will that work? I don't want to be dumb, for real, that is insane and honestly not sure if it is really possible. The key is the escape of it and the idea that the process of regressing, or getting dumb, is what is pleasurable, not the regressed state or state of less intelligence. I am not sure where this came from, but is very real to me.
I broke down last night and bought a $10 one month subscription to warp my mind. com. This was the only way I could get to the files I wanted to hear on the dumbing down series. When I heard them they were so full of subliminals and aggressive speech, I realized it was dumb to listen because the hypnotizer made me feel dumb for wanting to do this in the first place! It was not a pleasant experience, and it made me realize that I want the experience to be pleasurable. That is why I liked the "Pleasurable Dumbness" file much better as it was pleasant and comfy to listen to, I liked how it sounded, it made me relax and didn't put me on edge or worse fear that I was really loosing my intelligence.
So that leaves the last-addiction. Addiction is in the center because as the old adage goes, all roads lead to Rome. In this case, all forms of fetishism leads to addiction. But addiction is not an annoying byproduct of indulgence into other fetishes, it is the goal. I read blogs about getting addicted and I find them arousing and often masturbate to them--not images, the words alone of an addicted bater is enough. This ties into to the dumbing down as the addiction itself is the form of escapism from the responsibilities of abstinence. It is a pleasurable road in its own right, the more you masturbate, the better it gets, the more addicted you are, the more happy you will be. It is that idea that really turns me on, you see that all over Bateworld. It is surprising, though, how little all of this leads to porn. I have been moving away from sheer porn for more of these complex ideas, not sure why.
So that is it, that is my trifecta. As to what it all means, I don't know. I am just here now trying to describe and analyze, but not explain. I will say this, that there dosn't seem to be much more to explore for any of these areas and that has been my focus, explore and exploit, get addicted and enjoy it all. More to come....until then bate on everyone!
I've come to a clearer understanding of what makes me tick, sexually speaking. I will never be able to turn off my analytical side when it comes to this stuff, and so I've been meaning to write some more about this in the past few days. I hate for too much time to pass and then I would have forgotten what I've discovered.
So, what is this trifecta of pleasure? Well I will draw it out, this is my first attempt to do this on a blog, so bear with me! Epic fail, I tried to draw it and blogger freaked out, so here is a simpler version.
Phallic Worship Fetish -----> Masturbation Addiction Fetish
Dumbing Down Fetish -----> Masturbation Addiction Fetish
Now this is by no means comprehensive. I do have other fetishes and desires that do not fit into this trifecta. It would be better if I could have a third arrow for everything else, but I can't get that to work without using some kind of drawing program, which I don't have the time or patience to experiment with.
So when I go back and look at what really turns me on at my core, it is these things. Let me go through them one by one.
Phallic Worship Fetish. Anyone who has read my blog knows that one of my most popular posts was on Priapas Temple. If you don't recall off hand what that is, it is a group of people who have made worshipping the phallic or penis as their prime purpose in life. This has tied into my need to bring religion into my masturbation since religion was the main reason I was compelled to not enjoy the pleasure masturbation and orgasm can bring. This is further enhanced by seeing rules for practice that encourages and even commands the cock worshippers to service their member for the good of themselves and the community. It is rather more focused on group sex, orgies, circle jerks, and the like than sheer solo sexualism. I have taken this a step further by my reading the Bible of Cock and Bible of Man that have attempted to make scripture out of the devotion and worship of cock, and in worship that means stimulation to climax. This ties into the need to find ex-Christian groups, even Satanic communities that affirm the love of cock and its worship as yet another layer to get closer to my carnal need to reject Christianity for the sake of self-love.
As I have mentioned in past posts, this is all built on a very conservative, inflexible reading of Scripture that states that all forms of masturbation is a sin and is lust. So of course if one rebells against this there is much pleasure to be had in doing it and your cock grows in the excitement of being released from the spiritual prison. What is wrong with this idea is that true faith in God does allow sexual pleasure in the form of masturbation, as long as you are not lusting after another's body or making it into idol worship. Taking phallic worship to the extreme is sin, it is replacing the one true God with one that was created by God. The key to understand here is that God did create our penises and and He saw to it that His creation was good, read the Genesis account. Therefore, it is not unreasonable that He created masturbation, or at he bear minimum, allowed it to be done. There could have been so many alternatives to the human design that would have prevented the act of masturbation. Sexual pleasure only being realized by the physical act of intercourse, perhaps by the release of some enzyme or something that would ONLY allow orgasm when in the act of sex....BUT that is NOT how we were created, now is it? So is it so unreasonable to assume that masturbation, in its purest form, can be a Holy act unto the Lord? I think it can be, therefore, this idea of ex-Christian masturbation is silly, and yet it is somehow ingrained into my sexual identity that there is still pleasure found in losing your faith for your cock. I will need to focus less on this and more on the spiritual blessing of masturbation to break this connection, it is unholy for me to find pleasure in the demonic.
This phallic worship also ties into masturbation addiction, which is yet another angle. The center of the trifecta. But I will want to leave that aside for now to address the other side of the trifecta, dumbing down fetish. This is a strange and complicated one to explain to anyone. It basically comes into the idea that with the loss of intelligence, there is pleasure. This is directly related to regression fantasies, which tie into ABDL. I wrote a story (email me if you want the link, you have to be members of the site to see it) that dealt with this very thing. The main character is regressed and he finds pleasure in loosing his intelligence, the more he fails, the better it feels. The more wetting he has accidents and acts like a baby or toddler, the better he feels. And in feeling better, it means more intense and frequent orgasms, more masturbation. Losers masturbate; boys with untied, loose sneakers, masturbate. They are dumb and find pleasure in their stupidity. So there is much to unpack here, a lot of tie ins with athletic gear as a means to feel like a dumb jock with a hard cock! Wow, that rhymed! Anyways, diapers, regression, loose athletic styled clothing all plays into the --lets get dumb and get off on getting dumb.
The problem here is not moralistic, it is practical!! I suppose there can be an argument made for not allowing yourself to be made dumb by someone as an immoral thing, God made you to be smart, etc., but that is not the main issue. The issue is that I don't really want to be dumb, I just like the feeling of being dumb, or being made to be dumb. This, of course, plays out not with a phallic bible, but through hypnosis. There are actually files that play right into this very fantasy. Smart people who are burdened with the responsibility of intelligence and wish to escape into a realm where he can exist and be simple and know only pleasure and bliss. Whether it is a regression store or a hypnotic file, it goes deep. So how will that work? I don't want to be dumb, for real, that is insane and honestly not sure if it is really possible. The key is the escape of it and the idea that the process of regressing, or getting dumb, is what is pleasurable, not the regressed state or state of less intelligence. I am not sure where this came from, but is very real to me.
I broke down last night and bought a $10 one month subscription to warp my mind. com. This was the only way I could get to the files I wanted to hear on the dumbing down series. When I heard them they were so full of subliminals and aggressive speech, I realized it was dumb to listen because the hypnotizer made me feel dumb for wanting to do this in the first place! It was not a pleasant experience, and it made me realize that I want the experience to be pleasurable. That is why I liked the "Pleasurable Dumbness" file much better as it was pleasant and comfy to listen to, I liked how it sounded, it made me relax and didn't put me on edge or worse fear that I was really loosing my intelligence.
So that leaves the last-addiction. Addiction is in the center because as the old adage goes, all roads lead to Rome. In this case, all forms of fetishism leads to addiction. But addiction is not an annoying byproduct of indulgence into other fetishes, it is the goal. I read blogs about getting addicted and I find them arousing and often masturbate to them--not images, the words alone of an addicted bater is enough. This ties into to the dumbing down as the addiction itself is the form of escapism from the responsibilities of abstinence. It is a pleasurable road in its own right, the more you masturbate, the better it gets, the more addicted you are, the more happy you will be. It is that idea that really turns me on, you see that all over Bateworld. It is surprising, though, how little all of this leads to porn. I have been moving away from sheer porn for more of these complex ideas, not sure why.
So that is it, that is my trifecta. As to what it all means, I don't know. I am just here now trying to describe and analyze, but not explain. I will say this, that there dosn't seem to be much more to explore for any of these areas and that has been my focus, explore and exploit, get addicted and enjoy it all. More to come....until then bate on everyone!
Wednesday, July 17, 2013
A new dark phase
BR 0.6063362
I have so much to say, so much that I want to write about, but there is more to say than I have time, or energy, to express right now. It is all my fault, naturally. I have waited too long since my last post and so more and more has piled up for me to express to you.
The main, principal, change is my increased addiction and devotion to my masturbation. I have decided, after years of holding back in one form or another, to indulge in the dark forest of my masturbation and lust. This has manifested itself in my reading the Bible of Cock, or also known as the Bible of Man. So far I have read it for two nights and the last two nights I came while masturbating to it. If you are so inclined, it's available for free on-line, all you need to do is google it. This has strangely led to me viewing less porn, in terms of images, but rather just text is enough.
I feel guilty about this, it is truly a guilty pleasure. My guilt is in what this is doing to my faith. I keep telling myself that this is all fake, it's not the real "Bible", it is not sacred text, but as I read this other bible, I cannot help but to imagine, or fantasize for a second, that is could be the "real" Bible and that God is calling me to masturbate, that is is truly the highest form of worship, supreme blissfulness as I develop my cock lust.
My concerns is this does tie into the occult and Satanism. Yes, I have seen it all. Part of me is turned on even by this, that there are those out there who practice lust as a religion, but part of me makes me sad. Why does all of this always have to tie back into religion? I guess that is a stupid question considering I am looking at the "bible" of cock, of course there are going to be religious overtones, but I see such an anti-christian tone in the writings and specially in the imagery (the book has illustrations). As if the opposite of Christianity is pleasure. I truly believe nothing can be further from the truth. God invented pleasure! He invented pensis and made them holy, it is only man who made them unholy, mostly though the works of Thomas Aqanius and other reformers who were anti-sex. This is the legacy of centuries of misguided people who took Paul's writing's too literally and threw it all out. No wonder all of these lustful, phallic writings are fraught with anti-Christian, even Satanic overtones, because those who write them misinterpret the real Bible as a strict prohibition of all things pleasurable in life, so clearly you would turn from Christ to the antichrist.
As I said, I find it sad. I wish there were more Christian groups that incorporated their love of Christ with their love of cock and made it something of their own. You still need to worship the one true God and not what He created, namely a man's penis: this is what these cock temple societies and dark brotherhood's do. I can't bring myself to dive into that, but boy does my penis want to! What I need is something of a balance, a group that honors God for God, but also encourages and promotes masturbation as the mode in which to share and indulge in God's love. I know such a place is hard to find and perhaps does not even exist, but until then my yearnings will continue to call me to read the Bible of Cock. I am sure you will see my evolution in the coming months (or should I say cumming months! ;) on this subject. I hope to also go more into why I have such a strong attraction to this blasphemy fetish, more than porn, more than anything else I write about, why is that? Why is my faith so wrapped up in this? I hope to know more soon.
I have so much to say, so much that I want to write about, but there is more to say than I have time, or energy, to express right now. It is all my fault, naturally. I have waited too long since my last post and so more and more has piled up for me to express to you.
The main, principal, change is my increased addiction and devotion to my masturbation. I have decided, after years of holding back in one form or another, to indulge in the dark forest of my masturbation and lust. This has manifested itself in my reading the Bible of Cock, or also known as the Bible of Man. So far I have read it for two nights and the last two nights I came while masturbating to it. If you are so inclined, it's available for free on-line, all you need to do is google it. This has strangely led to me viewing less porn, in terms of images, but rather just text is enough.
I feel guilty about this, it is truly a guilty pleasure. My guilt is in what this is doing to my faith. I keep telling myself that this is all fake, it's not the real "Bible", it is not sacred text, but as I read this other bible, I cannot help but to imagine, or fantasize for a second, that is could be the "real" Bible and that God is calling me to masturbate, that is is truly the highest form of worship, supreme blissfulness as I develop my cock lust.
My concerns is this does tie into the occult and Satanism. Yes, I have seen it all. Part of me is turned on even by this, that there are those out there who practice lust as a religion, but part of me makes me sad. Why does all of this always have to tie back into religion? I guess that is a stupid question considering I am looking at the "bible" of cock, of course there are going to be religious overtones, but I see such an anti-christian tone in the writings and specially in the imagery (the book has illustrations). As if the opposite of Christianity is pleasure. I truly believe nothing can be further from the truth. God invented pleasure! He invented pensis and made them holy, it is only man who made them unholy, mostly though the works of Thomas Aqanius and other reformers who were anti-sex. This is the legacy of centuries of misguided people who took Paul's writing's too literally and threw it all out. No wonder all of these lustful, phallic writings are fraught with anti-Christian, even Satanic overtones, because those who write them misinterpret the real Bible as a strict prohibition of all things pleasurable in life, so clearly you would turn from Christ to the antichrist.
As I said, I find it sad. I wish there were more Christian groups that incorporated their love of Christ with their love of cock and made it something of their own. You still need to worship the one true God and not what He created, namely a man's penis: this is what these cock temple societies and dark brotherhood's do. I can't bring myself to dive into that, but boy does my penis want to! What I need is something of a balance, a group that honors God for God, but also encourages and promotes masturbation as the mode in which to share and indulge in God's love. I know such a place is hard to find and perhaps does not even exist, but until then my yearnings will continue to call me to read the Bible of Cock. I am sure you will see my evolution in the coming months (or should I say cumming months! ;) on this subject. I hope to also go more into why I have such a strong attraction to this blasphemy fetish, more than porn, more than anything else I write about, why is that? Why is my faith so wrapped up in this? I hope to know more soon.
Monday, June 17, 2013
Does chronic masturbation make you happier?
BR 0.60136 - 2013 Sessions: 101
I don't know what I am doing with my life, but it seems that in my case all roads lead to Rome, or should I say bateworld. I broke down and became a member yesterday after I saw how affordable it really is, like 7 bucks a month, so that's a cup of coffee a month. So by now, if you read this blog, you know that I have this thing I call an addiction fetish. What I am learning is that there are others out there that feel the same as me. There is a lot on bateworld about getting yourself addicted, giving into it and enjoying porn and all the pleasure this can give me. There is even a support group for it, to encourage you to do it more. Start out asking do you masturbate once a day, no? Then start doing it daily, and then increase the time, bathe yourself in porn and ramp up the desires to feed the addiction. You then get yourself on a cycle, where the more your masturbate, the more porn you watch, which in turn makes you want to masturbate even more. It's the whole quantity and quality thing--they go together.
I must admit, this is such a turn on for me! It's related to the whole "be dumb" thing that I was recently attracted to, in that it's a release from control. In the addiction, your cock controls you, not you controlling your cock. You surrender everything and make it part of your spiritual practice, that way there is no conflict-- I'm not making this up, its on one of the internal site blogs. They seemed to know just the right thing to say to invite me to take this deeper, I am not shunning God, I am inviting Him into the practice that He created! If I am not "sinning", then there is no reason in the world why prayer and masturbation cannot be put together in a way...or is this blasphemy? I don't know, but I seem to think God can hear our prayers as long as we are of sound mind...
I also saw one post about how masturbation makes you happier. Give in to porn and masturbate, allow the addiction to take hold. Do it for a month and you will find that the deeper you go, the better it gets. Are these just lies made up to make people like more horny as hell or is it true? I mean that is the gold at the end of the rainbow, isn't it? The addiction is the means to make it better, more fulfilling. It all relates to the same idea--the loss of control is pleasurable. Whether it is bladder control and you pee freely into a diaper, or self control and you edged for hours and your don't even realize you had...that kind of complete surrender of control, not caring about any other worry in the world, only focusing on your penis and the pleasure he gives you.
I know this is dangerous. I've been here before, where I throw all caution to the wind and give in to it, enjoy it. But the thing about addictions is there is always a price, no matter how much I want to make that price not exist. Everyone has only so much time on this earth, 24 hours in a day, that is it... I can't do everything I want to do and be a chronically addicted masturbater to boot, as hot as that sounds for me. I wonder what kind of lives the people on bateworld, and I mean the ones who are chronically addicted, masturbating 5,6,7 hours a day, what do they do? They don't have time for relationships, to read books, to watch TV, exercise, everything that makes up a "healthy" person. Getting that deeply into porn has a price--it does as much as I would not want that price to be there.
As I said, I've been here before, but what has changed is that now I am a member of this site and I wonder where all this will lead me, will I end up so totally addicted that I no longer attend church, do the things I love (other than masturbating). I'm not sure, but for now I am allowing a little control to slip to see how far I can ride this wave. After all, the more your masturbate, the happier you'll be! To think all those years I fought against this, and now I am on the dark side. Not only permitting it, but now actually encouraging myself to get myself a little addicted for the fun of it, why not, right? We'll see, I will let you know how far I take this and if it's all worth it. My parting thought, that I find so valid, is that I do need to make my practice my prayer life. Pray and make thanksgiving to God when you bate, it is a gift that we all need to enjoy.
I don't know what I am doing with my life, but it seems that in my case all roads lead to Rome, or should I say bateworld. I broke down and became a member yesterday after I saw how affordable it really is, like 7 bucks a month, so that's a cup of coffee a month. So by now, if you read this blog, you know that I have this thing I call an addiction fetish. What I am learning is that there are others out there that feel the same as me. There is a lot on bateworld about getting yourself addicted, giving into it and enjoying porn and all the pleasure this can give me. There is even a support group for it, to encourage you to do it more. Start out asking do you masturbate once a day, no? Then start doing it daily, and then increase the time, bathe yourself in porn and ramp up the desires to feed the addiction. You then get yourself on a cycle, where the more your masturbate, the more porn you watch, which in turn makes you want to masturbate even more. It's the whole quantity and quality thing--they go together.
I must admit, this is such a turn on for me! It's related to the whole "be dumb" thing that I was recently attracted to, in that it's a release from control. In the addiction, your cock controls you, not you controlling your cock. You surrender everything and make it part of your spiritual practice, that way there is no conflict-- I'm not making this up, its on one of the internal site blogs. They seemed to know just the right thing to say to invite me to take this deeper, I am not shunning God, I am inviting Him into the practice that He created! If I am not "sinning", then there is no reason in the world why prayer and masturbation cannot be put together in a way...or is this blasphemy? I don't know, but I seem to think God can hear our prayers as long as we are of sound mind...
I also saw one post about how masturbation makes you happier. Give in to porn and masturbate, allow the addiction to take hold. Do it for a month and you will find that the deeper you go, the better it gets. Are these just lies made up to make people like more horny as hell or is it true? I mean that is the gold at the end of the rainbow, isn't it? The addiction is the means to make it better, more fulfilling. It all relates to the same idea--the loss of control is pleasurable. Whether it is bladder control and you pee freely into a diaper, or self control and you edged for hours and your don't even realize you had...that kind of complete surrender of control, not caring about any other worry in the world, only focusing on your penis and the pleasure he gives you.
I know this is dangerous. I've been here before, where I throw all caution to the wind and give in to it, enjoy it. But the thing about addictions is there is always a price, no matter how much I want to make that price not exist. Everyone has only so much time on this earth, 24 hours in a day, that is it... I can't do everything I want to do and be a chronically addicted masturbater to boot, as hot as that sounds for me. I wonder what kind of lives the people on bateworld, and I mean the ones who are chronically addicted, masturbating 5,6,7 hours a day, what do they do? They don't have time for relationships, to read books, to watch TV, exercise, everything that makes up a "healthy" person. Getting that deeply into porn has a price--it does as much as I would not want that price to be there.
As I said, I've been here before, but what has changed is that now I am a member of this site and I wonder where all this will lead me, will I end up so totally addicted that I no longer attend church, do the things I love (other than masturbating). I'm not sure, but for now I am allowing a little control to slip to see how far I can ride this wave. After all, the more your masturbate, the happier you'll be! To think all those years I fought against this, and now I am on the dark side. Not only permitting it, but now actually encouraging myself to get myself a little addicted for the fun of it, why not, right? We'll see, I will let you know how far I take this and if it's all worth it. My parting thought, that I find so valid, is that I do need to make my practice my prayer life. Pray and make thanksgiving to God when you bate, it is a gift that we all need to enjoy.
Monday, June 10, 2013
Who is Adam?
BR 0.56378
I have not made a post like this before. As I am learning more of you are reading this and have questions. I love that, by the way. I feel this is an interactive forum now, not just an on-line diary that no one but me reads.
So what is Adam about? Well, I am a solo-sexual fetishist. So what does that mean? Well, unlike other conventional people, I don't get off on seeing naked girls. I don't fantasize about having sex. I literally get excited when I am wearing athletic gear, like sports gear. Somehow that is what makes me hard. So I dress up in motocross outfits, or basketball shorts, and wear loose hightops, or some combination, and that transforms me into this sexualized athlete. I will either jerk off in this gear, or go online to see other guys like me jerking off in the same stuff, or see guys wearing this stuff. This is why I think I am gay. It dose not work if I see girls wearing it, it has to be guys. I have in the last few years taken this a step further and enjoy seeing a guy get a blow job from another guy (but while in gear of some kind) baseball, soccer, football, basketball, hockey, motocross, or army gear. Gear that makes a guy a guy... it is a masculine thing for me that is sexual.
Ok, so what about the diapers? That is a whole different fetish that I ALSO have. Adam is a complicated dude. This one I can analyze a bit more since I know pretty much why I got into it. For one, just to get things straight, I don't wear diapers on a daily basis. I tried that, its more of a pain than its worth. I am what they call a DL, a diaper lover. So that means that I get off, or sexually aroused, by wearing a diaper and using them. I have some AB (adult baby) tendencies, but I don't live out that lifestyle...I find that the weirdest part of it, I started out as a DL, so that is my main thing. So here's the story. I was a kid once, as you can guess, and this kid was swimming in a lake and had to pee real, real badly. He pees in the lake, it felt good, in a weird funny kind of way. This kid then makes a connection, that he can feel that same weird, good, funny feeling if he pees his pants. Then he thinks, what if he pees his pants and no one can tell? He could, wait? wear a diaper! He goes to grocery store and buys a pack of Huggies with his paper route money, he wears one, he gets off on it, he masturbates for the first time in one, and then...he is hooked--a DL is born...that is how it happened.
On masturbation. I have gone back and re-read some of my old entries. Wow, have I changed! I can see it so well in what I used to say, how I took such an aggressive stance against masturbation. You may recall in 2010, I posted about changing churches. When I switched to my new church, my ridged position on masturbation changed and relaxed some, and then I came to the point of total surrender to it. It felt good to just stop fighting and allow my body what it seeks. To some degree I am still in that phase now. My great oscillation is not as severe anymore, I no longer have huge guilt trips and make punitive plans to stop, I really don't see what the point is of that anymore. I have moved on spiritually to a plane where I see masturbation and all it entails as acceptable. Maybe I am wrong about that, but that is--nonetheless--where I stand now. You will note that I had a great weekend in terms of this area of my life, see my BR is up! hehe!
More later, and guys, keep asking me questions! I'm glad to oblige. P.S. Things are slightly better at work.
I have not made a post like this before. As I am learning more of you are reading this and have questions. I love that, by the way. I feel this is an interactive forum now, not just an on-line diary that no one but me reads.
So what is Adam about? Well, I am a solo-sexual fetishist. So what does that mean? Well, unlike other conventional people, I don't get off on seeing naked girls. I don't fantasize about having sex. I literally get excited when I am wearing athletic gear, like sports gear. Somehow that is what makes me hard. So I dress up in motocross outfits, or basketball shorts, and wear loose hightops, or some combination, and that transforms me into this sexualized athlete. I will either jerk off in this gear, or go online to see other guys like me jerking off in the same stuff, or see guys wearing this stuff. This is why I think I am gay. It dose not work if I see girls wearing it, it has to be guys. I have in the last few years taken this a step further and enjoy seeing a guy get a blow job from another guy (but while in gear of some kind) baseball, soccer, football, basketball, hockey, motocross, or army gear. Gear that makes a guy a guy... it is a masculine thing for me that is sexual.
Ok, so what about the diapers? That is a whole different fetish that I ALSO have. Adam is a complicated dude. This one I can analyze a bit more since I know pretty much why I got into it. For one, just to get things straight, I don't wear diapers on a daily basis. I tried that, its more of a pain than its worth. I am what they call a DL, a diaper lover. So that means that I get off, or sexually aroused, by wearing a diaper and using them. I have some AB (adult baby) tendencies, but I don't live out that lifestyle...I find that the weirdest part of it, I started out as a DL, so that is my main thing. So here's the story. I was a kid once, as you can guess, and this kid was swimming in a lake and had to pee real, real badly. He pees in the lake, it felt good, in a weird funny kind of way. This kid then makes a connection, that he can feel that same weird, good, funny feeling if he pees his pants. Then he thinks, what if he pees his pants and no one can tell? He could, wait? wear a diaper! He goes to grocery store and buys a pack of Huggies with his paper route money, he wears one, he gets off on it, he masturbates for the first time in one, and then...he is hooked--a DL is born...that is how it happened.
On masturbation. I have gone back and re-read some of my old entries. Wow, have I changed! I can see it so well in what I used to say, how I took such an aggressive stance against masturbation. You may recall in 2010, I posted about changing churches. When I switched to my new church, my ridged position on masturbation changed and relaxed some, and then I came to the point of total surrender to it. It felt good to just stop fighting and allow my body what it seeks. To some degree I am still in that phase now. My great oscillation is not as severe anymore, I no longer have huge guilt trips and make punitive plans to stop, I really don't see what the point is of that anymore. I have moved on spiritually to a plane where I see masturbation and all it entails as acceptable. Maybe I am wrong about that, but that is--nonetheless--where I stand now. You will note that I had a great weekend in terms of this area of my life, see my BR is up! hehe!
More later, and guys, keep asking me questions! I'm glad to oblige. P.S. Things are slightly better at work.
Friday, June 7, 2013
This blog, a note to my readers
B.R. 0.541763 ( falling behind -_- )
Wow. When I am in my darkest time, I get feedback on this blog. I think God's timing in interesting for sure! I just wanted to take this opportunity to thank all my readers. When I started this blog, it was with the intent of me to journal out my thoughts in an interactive way. I used to journal in notebooks all the time, going back to when I was in high school. I bought four identical spiral notebooks when I was a Freshman in college. When I filled up every page, I started this blog. I am so glad I did it on the net and not just in a book for only me to read, it allows strangers who "stumble" upon this blog to know me and contact me personally. That means a lot to me, it means that I am not alone, that there are others who care, who want to know me.
It means a lot right now because my life is a mess. I am about to switch jobs if I can get a new one! Let's hope. I have suffered from some serious anxiety issues, just check out my bate rate! I can't get off on things like I used to as life is just too stressful, but all that to say that things are getting better and those of you who do care, thanks for the kind thoughts.
I am running out of time! Need to get back to work. More to come!!
Wow. When I am in my darkest time, I get feedback on this blog. I think God's timing in interesting for sure! I just wanted to take this opportunity to thank all my readers. When I started this blog, it was with the intent of me to journal out my thoughts in an interactive way. I used to journal in notebooks all the time, going back to when I was in high school. I bought four identical spiral notebooks when I was a Freshman in college. When I filled up every page, I started this blog. I am so glad I did it on the net and not just in a book for only me to read, it allows strangers who "stumble" upon this blog to know me and contact me personally. That means a lot to me, it means that I am not alone, that there are others who care, who want to know me.
It means a lot right now because my life is a mess. I am about to switch jobs if I can get a new one! Let's hope. I have suffered from some serious anxiety issues, just check out my bate rate! I can't get off on things like I used to as life is just too stressful, but all that to say that things are getting better and those of you who do care, thanks for the kind thoughts.
I am running out of time! Need to get back to work. More to come!!
Tuesday, May 28, 2013
Crisis and Pain
BR 0.55656
Last Thursday was possibly one of the worst days of my life. I won't go into all the details of what happened, but the long and short of it was I got put on administrative leave without pay for 1 and half days for doing something I totally don't think was my fault. I decided to have someone cover the phones for me while I went to lunch, and apparently I was not supposed to do that. Rather than hashing out all the details of this event and the subsequent actions, I rather concentrate on why I feel the way I do and how I can overcome these feelings.
I am a strong believer that by journaling we can flesh out our thoughts in a constructive way and by doing this come up with clear and decisive ideas about what to do. To start out, I need to explain how I feel. I feel like shit, I feel bad, not normal, very mechanical and fearful. I have lost some of my apatite, I certainly don't feel horny at all and even struggled with wanting to masturbate at all. I feel guilty even to do it. When I think about why I feel bad, I find it hard to really dissect the true causes.
Part of it has to do with how I was treated by the person who put me on leave, the way he spoke to me, it came to be as a shock, I went into shock. I had not been treated that way since I was a little kid and felt the same way I did when I was fired from my last job nearly ten years ago now. Part of the pain is the feeling of loss, that I have lost respect by my co-workers, that I have been degraded, shamed. What I went through was humiliating, there are no two ways to look at it. I have tried to put on a brave face and deal with this one day at a time, to do my best, to forgive, but the pain inside me will not go away. The pain is also fear, fear of the unknown. I hope and pray that I can go back and re-read these words with such a foresight knowing how this all turns out. I have applied for so many jobs, it's ridiculous; but who will call me back? And if I do get called, how will I go about getting time off at work--after the mess I have been in--to fly to who knows where for a day to interview for a job I have no guarantee I will get. It's a horrible, expensive process. I don't know if I will be able to go to Colorado as planned, and that really bothers me.
There is so much stress and uncertainty at work right now, I don't know if I will be able to get away or not! I plan to do a PAID leave request in a few weeks, hopefully after some of this simmers down and I regain my footing. I just wish all of this would go away, all of this fear, but it won't, it stays with me. All I can think of is in time it will get less and less and I will find some way to be happy again, I don't know. I am certainly not happy now, that much is certain. I am not looking to date anyone as I think I will be leaving, but I don't know when and that is the uncertainty that is killing me. When will this all resolve? I am in some kind of limbo, stuck in a job I should not be in, and not knowing how long it will take for me to get out. But on the flip side, which is also compounding these feelings, is that I'm sad because I don't really want to move away from my friends, it's just my job is so bad I feel I have no choice. No matter how many people hug me, virtually, or in real life, it still seems the same...no trust, no comfort, no life...
Now I will go and apply for yet another job to get out of this place, I pray this all ends well.
Last Thursday was possibly one of the worst days of my life. I won't go into all the details of what happened, but the long and short of it was I got put on administrative leave without pay for 1 and half days for doing something I totally don't think was my fault. I decided to have someone cover the phones for me while I went to lunch, and apparently I was not supposed to do that. Rather than hashing out all the details of this event and the subsequent actions, I rather concentrate on why I feel the way I do and how I can overcome these feelings.
I am a strong believer that by journaling we can flesh out our thoughts in a constructive way and by doing this come up with clear and decisive ideas about what to do. To start out, I need to explain how I feel. I feel like shit, I feel bad, not normal, very mechanical and fearful. I have lost some of my apatite, I certainly don't feel horny at all and even struggled with wanting to masturbate at all. I feel guilty even to do it. When I think about why I feel bad, I find it hard to really dissect the true causes.
Part of it has to do with how I was treated by the person who put me on leave, the way he spoke to me, it came to be as a shock, I went into shock. I had not been treated that way since I was a little kid and felt the same way I did when I was fired from my last job nearly ten years ago now. Part of the pain is the feeling of loss, that I have lost respect by my co-workers, that I have been degraded, shamed. What I went through was humiliating, there are no two ways to look at it. I have tried to put on a brave face and deal with this one day at a time, to do my best, to forgive, but the pain inside me will not go away. The pain is also fear, fear of the unknown. I hope and pray that I can go back and re-read these words with such a foresight knowing how this all turns out. I have applied for so many jobs, it's ridiculous; but who will call me back? And if I do get called, how will I go about getting time off at work--after the mess I have been in--to fly to who knows where for a day to interview for a job I have no guarantee I will get. It's a horrible, expensive process. I don't know if I will be able to go to Colorado as planned, and that really bothers me.
There is so much stress and uncertainty at work right now, I don't know if I will be able to get away or not! I plan to do a PAID leave request in a few weeks, hopefully after some of this simmers down and I regain my footing. I just wish all of this would go away, all of this fear, but it won't, it stays with me. All I can think of is in time it will get less and less and I will find some way to be happy again, I don't know. I am certainly not happy now, that much is certain. I am not looking to date anyone as I think I will be leaving, but I don't know when and that is the uncertainty that is killing me. When will this all resolve? I am in some kind of limbo, stuck in a job I should not be in, and not knowing how long it will take for me to get out. But on the flip side, which is also compounding these feelings, is that I'm sad because I don't really want to move away from my friends, it's just my job is so bad I feel I have no choice. No matter how many people hug me, virtually, or in real life, it still seems the same...no trust, no comfort, no life...
Now I will go and apply for yet another job to get out of this place, I pray this all ends well.
Saturday, April 6, 2013
More on coming out, my life as a gay Christian
B.R.: 0.57743
The last 24 hours has been interesting. I think overall it has all been positive, but also challenging because all the information I'm receiving involves me making changes, albeit incremental, but changes nonetheless in my life. It's all about getting out of my comfort zone and accepting life's challenges face on. Before I can get into all of that, I think it's important that I detail what my challenges are:
1) I am single, 37, and lonely, very lonely I live alone in this house that I'm trying to sell and all I have for company is a cat. Now I have friends, well four friends that I consider close enough that I could go to them and spill my guts. I am involved with my church, yoga, and other activities, but all in all these things do not replace the need in my life for male intimacy. So this challenge is finding a partner in a town where dating someone may be difficult (more on this later).
2) My job sucks. I need a new job. I've been there for nine and half years, it's time for me to move on. All I do all day is enter in numbers into a spreadsheet and I have a master's degree. I need to move. This means getting off my butt and actually looking for a job, meanwhile I'm trying to sell my house--so far no luck.
3) Coming Out. Related to No. 1, but different in that I need to be honest with my straight friends about where I am and also to my parents. I am living in an interesting time and place in history, where the gay movement has come to my town and I need to decide once and for all where I stand on the issue. Beyond just being supportive of the cause (I will go more into this aspect as well).
4) Finding and living out my sexual identity. Okay, so I've said I'm gay, great. But what does that really mean? I mean I would love to explore what it would be like to be with another man. Someone I'm really attracted to, but any reader of my blog knows that I am more than just gay. Saying I'm gay and leaving it at that is the easy part, but it's a cop out. I am a fetishist, I have three main fetishes. These are: gear (athletic gear, shorts, skater shoes, military, etc.); ABDL an adult baby/ diaper lover (this one is less influential these days, but is still there and is still something that can get me horny; and what I have coined as a "masturbation fetish". This one is less defined, but is definitely a separate thing. This is where the whole "let's get dumb and horny and jerk off and get addicted to it", comes in. Read my past entries for more on that!
So this all boils down to coming out to friends and family, finding a job, selling my house, moving away, finding a boyfriend, and defining and living out my sexual identity with said boyfriend Talk about change, this is it!
So what's happened to trigger all of this? Well, as I alluded to, I am living in turbulent times. But before I get into that, I will say that I had a random conversation with someone last night that convicted me to find a new job, that it is time for me to "move on". This seems to play into me wanting to sell my house and me coming out. I could move to a more "gay-friendly" town, etc. However, I am a person that does not cope well with a lot of change, so I have honestly gotten a little too comfortable here in my town, doing my brainless job everyday. It is easy, and making it easy means I am getting too relaxed, do I want to live alone in this house, in this small town when I'm 40? How about 50 or 60! That is scary. I must accept change, and not allow sentiment; or worse, laziness; stand in the way of my advancement. The economy is better, so I can't use that excuse anymore. So step 1 is to start looking for jobs...
Secondly, I live in turbulent times where the gay debate is raging and has come into the public sphere in a big way in my town. This has come from my church which has hosted a gay man, a friend I just met with this morning, about what it means to reconcile his faith and sexuality with the outcome that being gay is okay and acceptable for a Christian. So in this context, I have come out to my priest and he has in turned asked me to be in a small group with other gay people in my area to go over a book about being a gay Christian. I look forward to this study to further clarify where I am and maybe help my family cope with me coming out, I don't know. So in some ways I don't want to move on quite yet until I at least get through this Bible study....if my house sells, I will rent until the time is right for me to really move away. On the other hand, I could blow off this study and just move away as the right opportunity presents itself, I don't know the timing of this is complicated and very unsettling! My heart says I need to hold off for just a few more months, but I don't know how practical that may be. So step 2, Pray about when to move, but this may be out of my control, a lot hinges on this house and when I will need to pull up stakes for good.
Thirdly, I need to come out to my friends, which will be hard, but as my friend this morning said, each time we are honest with ourselves, it only lifts more of that burden off of our shoulders and helps us be more healthy, tearing down walls we have built to maintain the secrecy and masks that we use to disguise who we really are. This will take courage, but it needs to be done. I will pray for the right moments to reveal what I can to who needs to know. My prediction is that this time next year most of my friends and all of my family will know the truth, albeit, I will still have walls regarding my fetishes, which are deeply personal and impossible for me to be open about with family members and friends, save for my brother who knows about my diapers in case something happens to me. So step 3, come out when the time is right. Need to make a commitment to them and myself that I am a gay man and that is okay.
Fourthly, I need to find a boyfriend, but does that make sense if I am moving away? It may in that I do know some gay people who are in different states I could perhaps move to, to hook up with them? My concern is that I want to find someone who is of faith in God as I really think that is key and that if I didn't, my faith would really go downhill, and that is just not acceptable. So the dating thing needs to go along with the move, but I think it needs to be where I end up landing, it makes no sense to date a guy here if I will be in another state in a year, does it?
Finally, and most importantly, I need to better define who I am sexually. I am exploring more and more on line and the more I look, the more I want to explore. There is a big masturbation fetish community, although they would not call themselves that, I believe the term is solo-sexual, edgers, gooners, etc., but I find that just being one of these addicted bators is not enough. I am, first and foremost, a fetishist, I physically need to wear sports gear, or some kind of iteration thereof, to get off. Seeing a man moan as he masturbates is not enough, but reading the words of an addicted bator, deepening his addiction ...oh boy, that is it! Does that make sense? Awhile back I wrote up my sexual ID, kind of a list of all the things that turn me on. My problem now is how do I engage into these things in a healthy way? I must acknowledge that lust does exist, and I do feel empty and used up when I bathe in porn. I think, dare I say, sin is in it. It's taking sex and turning it into a show to get off on, stripping it of its intimacy. So anyhow, I don't know that my conquest to masturbate myself to death is a healthy one, although it is a horny one! As you can see from my bate rate, I am doing is more, past the half way point now. So far in 2013 I have masturbated 56 times, and came for about 80% of that. So there is conflict between perceived morals and my penis--which is in control? Where is that healthy boundary? But deep down I know there needs to be a balance there without overbearing restrictions. It is the personal restrictions, however, that make me more horny when I break my own rules. So it can't be rules, it has to be something deeper. I think this problem is probably solved if I end up with a mate I love and we can do this on our own, masturbation is less important, and I am less lonely. So step 4, find a boyfriend who "gets me" sexually and is a Christian. Is this possible?
Whoa, that was a lot! I feel like I just throw up on all you readers out there! I have four steps that relate to each other in complicated and confusing ways. I will certainly keep posting to let you know how this all turns out! I appreciate you reading, I use this blog as a way to think out loud, my personal journal that happens to be available to the populace of the internet. Most people don't comment, and that is okay, you can just read, but if you do want to talk to me, please comments or email me at littleben176@yahoo.com. Thanks!
The last 24 hours has been interesting. I think overall it has all been positive, but also challenging because all the information I'm receiving involves me making changes, albeit incremental, but changes nonetheless in my life. It's all about getting out of my comfort zone and accepting life's challenges face on. Before I can get into all of that, I think it's important that I detail what my challenges are:
1) I am single, 37, and lonely, very lonely I live alone in this house that I'm trying to sell and all I have for company is a cat. Now I have friends, well four friends that I consider close enough that I could go to them and spill my guts. I am involved with my church, yoga, and other activities, but all in all these things do not replace the need in my life for male intimacy. So this challenge is finding a partner in a town where dating someone may be difficult (more on this later).
2) My job sucks. I need a new job. I've been there for nine and half years, it's time for me to move on. All I do all day is enter in numbers into a spreadsheet and I have a master's degree. I need to move. This means getting off my butt and actually looking for a job, meanwhile I'm trying to sell my house--so far no luck.
3) Coming Out. Related to No. 1, but different in that I need to be honest with my straight friends about where I am and also to my parents. I am living in an interesting time and place in history, where the gay movement has come to my town and I need to decide once and for all where I stand on the issue. Beyond just being supportive of the cause (I will go more into this aspect as well).
4) Finding and living out my sexual identity. Okay, so I've said I'm gay, great. But what does that really mean? I mean I would love to explore what it would be like to be with another man. Someone I'm really attracted to, but any reader of my blog knows that I am more than just gay. Saying I'm gay and leaving it at that is the easy part, but it's a cop out. I am a fetishist, I have three main fetishes. These are: gear (athletic gear, shorts, skater shoes, military, etc.); ABDL an adult baby/ diaper lover (this one is less influential these days, but is still there and is still something that can get me horny; and what I have coined as a "masturbation fetish". This one is less defined, but is definitely a separate thing. This is where the whole "let's get dumb and horny and jerk off and get addicted to it", comes in. Read my past entries for more on that!
So this all boils down to coming out to friends and family, finding a job, selling my house, moving away, finding a boyfriend, and defining and living out my sexual identity with said boyfriend Talk about change, this is it!
So what's happened to trigger all of this? Well, as I alluded to, I am living in turbulent times. But before I get into that, I will say that I had a random conversation with someone last night that convicted me to find a new job, that it is time for me to "move on". This seems to play into me wanting to sell my house and me coming out. I could move to a more "gay-friendly" town, etc. However, I am a person that does not cope well with a lot of change, so I have honestly gotten a little too comfortable here in my town, doing my brainless job everyday. It is easy, and making it easy means I am getting too relaxed, do I want to live alone in this house, in this small town when I'm 40? How about 50 or 60! That is scary. I must accept change, and not allow sentiment; or worse, laziness; stand in the way of my advancement. The economy is better, so I can't use that excuse anymore. So step 1 is to start looking for jobs...
Secondly, I live in turbulent times where the gay debate is raging and has come into the public sphere in a big way in my town. This has come from my church which has hosted a gay man, a friend I just met with this morning, about what it means to reconcile his faith and sexuality with the outcome that being gay is okay and acceptable for a Christian. So in this context, I have come out to my priest and he has in turned asked me to be in a small group with other gay people in my area to go over a book about being a gay Christian. I look forward to this study to further clarify where I am and maybe help my family cope with me coming out, I don't know. So in some ways I don't want to move on quite yet until I at least get through this Bible study....if my house sells, I will rent until the time is right for me to really move away. On the other hand, I could blow off this study and just move away as the right opportunity presents itself, I don't know the timing of this is complicated and very unsettling! My heart says I need to hold off for just a few more months, but I don't know how practical that may be. So step 2, Pray about when to move, but this may be out of my control, a lot hinges on this house and when I will need to pull up stakes for good.
Thirdly, I need to come out to my friends, which will be hard, but as my friend this morning said, each time we are honest with ourselves, it only lifts more of that burden off of our shoulders and helps us be more healthy, tearing down walls we have built to maintain the secrecy and masks that we use to disguise who we really are. This will take courage, but it needs to be done. I will pray for the right moments to reveal what I can to who needs to know. My prediction is that this time next year most of my friends and all of my family will know the truth, albeit, I will still have walls regarding my fetishes, which are deeply personal and impossible for me to be open about with family members and friends, save for my brother who knows about my diapers in case something happens to me. So step 3, come out when the time is right. Need to make a commitment to them and myself that I am a gay man and that is okay.
Fourthly, I need to find a boyfriend, but does that make sense if I am moving away? It may in that I do know some gay people who are in different states I could perhaps move to, to hook up with them? My concern is that I want to find someone who is of faith in God as I really think that is key and that if I didn't, my faith would really go downhill, and that is just not acceptable. So the dating thing needs to go along with the move, but I think it needs to be where I end up landing, it makes no sense to date a guy here if I will be in another state in a year, does it?
Finally, and most importantly, I need to better define who I am sexually. I am exploring more and more on line and the more I look, the more I want to explore. There is a big masturbation fetish community, although they would not call themselves that, I believe the term is solo-sexual, edgers, gooners, etc., but I find that just being one of these addicted bators is not enough. I am, first and foremost, a fetishist, I physically need to wear sports gear, or some kind of iteration thereof, to get off. Seeing a man moan as he masturbates is not enough, but reading the words of an addicted bator, deepening his addiction ...oh boy, that is it! Does that make sense? Awhile back I wrote up my sexual ID, kind of a list of all the things that turn me on. My problem now is how do I engage into these things in a healthy way? I must acknowledge that lust does exist, and I do feel empty and used up when I bathe in porn. I think, dare I say, sin is in it. It's taking sex and turning it into a show to get off on, stripping it of its intimacy. So anyhow, I don't know that my conquest to masturbate myself to death is a healthy one, although it is a horny one! As you can see from my bate rate, I am doing is more, past the half way point now. So far in 2013 I have masturbated 56 times, and came for about 80% of that. So there is conflict between perceived morals and my penis--which is in control? Where is that healthy boundary? But deep down I know there needs to be a balance there without overbearing restrictions. It is the personal restrictions, however, that make me more horny when I break my own rules. So it can't be rules, it has to be something deeper. I think this problem is probably solved if I end up with a mate I love and we can do this on our own, masturbation is less important, and I am less lonely. So step 4, find a boyfriend who "gets me" sexually and is a Christian. Is this possible?
Whoa, that was a lot! I feel like I just throw up on all you readers out there! I have four steps that relate to each other in complicated and confusing ways. I will certainly keep posting to let you know how this all turns out! I appreciate you reading, I use this blog as a way to think out loud, my personal journal that happens to be available to the populace of the internet. Most people don't comment, and that is okay, you can just read, but if you do want to talk to me, please comments or email me at littleben176@yahoo.com. Thanks!
Sunday, March 31, 2013
Updates and Other Stuff
BR: 0.52328
I had a real hard to trying to figure out what the title this post. Was tempted to use some form of "masturbation" or "pleasure", just to attract more viewers, but then thought better of that. The truth is masturbation is again on my mind, as always, when is it not, right? I think a lot of it has to do with my new goal of getting up to 70% by 12/31/13, which I seem to be exceeding at the moment and account of some very seductive hypnosis! Don't worry, I'm not wholly addicted to my penis, yet... ;-)
I think some of this new freedom relates to me coming out, see my past post. Now that I have gotten that out of the way and have received some affirmation about it I feel more freedom to explore my darker side. I mean, a masturbation addiction is not that bad, right? I mean, you get the pleasure for free and its my penis, so I can touch it as much as I like to, as long as I keep to my other obligations. I think for me, that is where the line is to when this is no longer a game, but becoming something more serious. As of now, I find it manageable and, dare I say? fun!
Sorry for the short post, but that is all I have for now. My coming out to my brother and sister is going well, feel free to PM me if you want more details! Until then, bate on!!
I had a real hard to trying to figure out what the title this post. Was tempted to use some form of "masturbation" or "pleasure", just to attract more viewers, but then thought better of that. The truth is masturbation is again on my mind, as always, when is it not, right? I think a lot of it has to do with my new goal of getting up to 70% by 12/31/13, which I seem to be exceeding at the moment and account of some very seductive hypnosis! Don't worry, I'm not wholly addicted to my penis, yet... ;-)
I think some of this new freedom relates to me coming out, see my past post. Now that I have gotten that out of the way and have received some affirmation about it I feel more freedom to explore my darker side. I mean, a masturbation addiction is not that bad, right? I mean, you get the pleasure for free and its my penis, so I can touch it as much as I like to, as long as I keep to my other obligations. I think for me, that is where the line is to when this is no longer a game, but becoming something more serious. As of now, I find it manageable and, dare I say? fun!
Sorry for the short post, but that is all I have for now. My coming out to my brother and sister is going well, feel free to PM me if you want more details! Until then, bate on!!
Sunday, March 17, 2013
Coming Out...the journey begins
Bate Rate: 0.4884
After thinking about yesterday's fun I asked myself a simple question, a question that now I realize has at last given me some clarity as to where I am sexually. Any reader of this blog knows that I am "trying to figure it out" and that basically means me reflecting on my beliefs and my personal convictions in a totally honest and heartfelt way. I have danced around the issue of my sexuality for a long time, going back and forth as to where I am. So going back to yesterday, I asked myself, if the voice on the hypnosis file had been a female, would I have had the reaction that I had? The answer is no. The file was done in such a way that it felt like the male voice was intimate, it was a very intimate expression, I felt close to this voice, like he was there with me, affirming me, encouraging me to experience pleasure as a form of my blissful stupidity (see my last post for details on this). That experience could not have been duplicated with a female - I got off on it more so because it was a guy, a guy speaking to me as a guy, wanting to be close to me, to be with me, to love me. I decided once and for all that I want to be with a guy, I am gay. I'm not asexual, bi, or anything in between, I am a gay man. This is a huge revelation for me, I have been trying to avoid the issue of my sexuality my whole life, always calling it something else, I'm not gay because I am not like them, I don't want to be effeminate, girly, etc. I don't want to be associated with the gay community and their perceived licentiousness. I wanted to be "normal" to be accepted and loved, but the more and more I am alone in this house with nothing but a cat to keep me company, the more I realize I cannot go on like this, living a charade for the rest of my life...no. I need to just do it and face the music, I need to just come out and get this over with.
I have resisted this for several reasons. I don't want to disappoint my mother, and my sister, who would not be in favor of me being gay. I don't want to bring some level of embarrassment to my family, now having two sons (my brother is gay) who are homosexuals. I don't want to loose my best friend who is not comfortable with me being gay. I know this would bring more strain on our friendship. I don't want to receive hate mail and loose my conservative Christian friends (of which I have many). I don't want to be singled out in this town as a gay man, who would not be accepted by the community I live in - I live in a very right wing, ultra-conservative, place. I know I need to do this, just deal with it and maybe move away to a place where there are more gay people I can meet, date, or whatever. It's just hard for me to move away, to pull up my roots, try to find some other job someplace, sell my house, etc. Is it worth it just to live somewhere that is more gay friendly? I don't know.
I know I don't want to just be part of this gay scene and go to gay bars and march in a the annual gay right parade, that is not my thing. I am a person who wants to fit in and be accepted. I know my church will be accepting of this, I'm Episcopal and they accept gay people unlike other churches, but I personally still have lingering questions about being gay and reconciling that with my faith as a Christian. How do I interpret Romans Chapter 1, for instance?
I feel though in my heart, that this is the right decision for me. How can God make me gay if it is a sin? I have a sin nature, I get that, but my attraction is to other guys, albeit a very narrow, specific type of guy, but nonetheless a youth, 20 something, athletic, slender, guy is who I want to be with. I can't help that, it's who I am, so is that a sin? I still need to work through this issue.
I will say though that I feel a weight has been listed off my shoulders now. I needed to just admit this, all the way, that this is who I am, a gay man and just deal with it. My next step is who do I reveal this to? My family, my rector? A another gay man I know? Do I just make a blanket announcement on Facebook and leave it at that? Do I tell no one and silently pursue a male relationship and reveal to those who are on a "need to know basis?" i.e. my family and close friends? There are so many questions, I know I am in a confused state over this, I don't want to come out of the closet, to admit this to others because I hate to bring attention to myself. Part of me wants to say that this is none of their business! I am only open now because anyone who reads this on line hopefully does not know my true identity. I want to blend in, I wear muted colors and earth tones, I like to blend in...it's kinda who I am, which, as you can see, is one of my main problems with the gay pride movement, I don't like to put myself out there like that - not my style AT ALL. But needless to say, even if I don't identity with the gay pride types, I am still gay, whether I like it or not, it is who I am.
So there it is, that's where I am at at the moment. I am debating e-mailing my sister about this, I think that will be my first step since I know she will be the one who has the biggest problem with this. But as my brother said, that is her issue not mine. I think I will email them both and then, in time, my parents.
After thinking about yesterday's fun I asked myself a simple question, a question that now I realize has at last given me some clarity as to where I am sexually. Any reader of this blog knows that I am "trying to figure it out" and that basically means me reflecting on my beliefs and my personal convictions in a totally honest and heartfelt way. I have danced around the issue of my sexuality for a long time, going back and forth as to where I am. So going back to yesterday, I asked myself, if the voice on the hypnosis file had been a female, would I have had the reaction that I had? The answer is no. The file was done in such a way that it felt like the male voice was intimate, it was a very intimate expression, I felt close to this voice, like he was there with me, affirming me, encouraging me to experience pleasure as a form of my blissful stupidity (see my last post for details on this). That experience could not have been duplicated with a female - I got off on it more so because it was a guy, a guy speaking to me as a guy, wanting to be close to me, to be with me, to love me. I decided once and for all that I want to be with a guy, I am gay. I'm not asexual, bi, or anything in between, I am a gay man. This is a huge revelation for me, I have been trying to avoid the issue of my sexuality my whole life, always calling it something else, I'm not gay because I am not like them, I don't want to be effeminate, girly, etc. I don't want to be associated with the gay community and their perceived licentiousness. I wanted to be "normal" to be accepted and loved, but the more and more I am alone in this house with nothing but a cat to keep me company, the more I realize I cannot go on like this, living a charade for the rest of my life...no. I need to just do it and face the music, I need to just come out and get this over with.
I have resisted this for several reasons. I don't want to disappoint my mother, and my sister, who would not be in favor of me being gay. I don't want to bring some level of embarrassment to my family, now having two sons (my brother is gay) who are homosexuals. I don't want to loose my best friend who is not comfortable with me being gay. I know this would bring more strain on our friendship. I don't want to receive hate mail and loose my conservative Christian friends (of which I have many). I don't want to be singled out in this town as a gay man, who would not be accepted by the community I live in - I live in a very right wing, ultra-conservative, place. I know I need to do this, just deal with it and maybe move away to a place where there are more gay people I can meet, date, or whatever. It's just hard for me to move away, to pull up my roots, try to find some other job someplace, sell my house, etc. Is it worth it just to live somewhere that is more gay friendly? I don't know.
I know I don't want to just be part of this gay scene and go to gay bars and march in a the annual gay right parade, that is not my thing. I am a person who wants to fit in and be accepted. I know my church will be accepting of this, I'm Episcopal and they accept gay people unlike other churches, but I personally still have lingering questions about being gay and reconciling that with my faith as a Christian. How do I interpret Romans Chapter 1, for instance?
I feel though in my heart, that this is the right decision for me. How can God make me gay if it is a sin? I have a sin nature, I get that, but my attraction is to other guys, albeit a very narrow, specific type of guy, but nonetheless a youth, 20 something, athletic, slender, guy is who I want to be with. I can't help that, it's who I am, so is that a sin? I still need to work through this issue.
I will say though that I feel a weight has been listed off my shoulders now. I needed to just admit this, all the way, that this is who I am, a gay man and just deal with it. My next step is who do I reveal this to? My family, my rector? A another gay man I know? Do I just make a blanket announcement on Facebook and leave it at that? Do I tell no one and silently pursue a male relationship and reveal to those who are on a "need to know basis?" i.e. my family and close friends? There are so many questions, I know I am in a confused state over this, I don't want to come out of the closet, to admit this to others because I hate to bring attention to myself. Part of me wants to say that this is none of their business! I am only open now because anyone who reads this on line hopefully does not know my true identity. I want to blend in, I wear muted colors and earth tones, I like to blend in...it's kinda who I am, which, as you can see, is one of my main problems with the gay pride movement, I don't like to put myself out there like that - not my style AT ALL. But needless to say, even if I don't identity with the gay pride types, I am still gay, whether I like it or not, it is who I am.
So there it is, that's where I am at at the moment. I am debating e-mailing my sister about this, I think that will be my first step since I know she will be the one who has the biggest problem with this. But as my brother said, that is her issue not mine. I think I will email them both and then, in time, my parents.
Saturday, March 16, 2013
Pleasurable Dumbness - Worth the Money!
Bate Rate: 0.4884
Well I've been naughty today and succumbed to a temptation to download a hypnosis file from warpmymind called Pleasurable Dumbness, I debated for sometime about whether or not to do it, it costs $10, but it was a great investment! The file really gets you down deeper than others I've tried and ultimately gets you to want to have a hard cock. (sorry for being vulgar, but you did click yes on sexual content when you opened this blog! :P ) Anyways, I jerked off three times today and this file is to blame. The orgasm on the last time was mind blowing as I was jerking off in my fleshjack as I was listening to it. I wrote in my log that this was the best one so far this year.... I think the file really hits on my deepest, darkest sexual desire.
I regret I don't have any profound things to reflect on other than the sheer pleasure of hedonism. It's hard to get away from, you know, your cock. I know I would have a very hard time giving this up. I also looked at how I was doing for my goal of 70%, one of the reasons I am opening up more now to masturbation is to meet this goal, right now at 48.8%; you can see that in my BR at the top.
Man I feel slow now, I think it was the file, hehe. Well that is about all I have to write, will revisit my path into masturbatory bliss in future posts. Until then, bate on!!
Oh, and if you are remotely into this "get dumb and feel good" fetish that I seem to have, I recommend the file, check it out!
Well I've been naughty today and succumbed to a temptation to download a hypnosis file from warpmymind called Pleasurable Dumbness, I debated for sometime about whether or not to do it, it costs $10, but it was a great investment! The file really gets you down deeper than others I've tried and ultimately gets you to want to have a hard cock. (sorry for being vulgar, but you did click yes on sexual content when you opened this blog! :P ) Anyways, I jerked off three times today and this file is to blame. The orgasm on the last time was mind blowing as I was jerking off in my fleshjack as I was listening to it. I wrote in my log that this was the best one so far this year.... I think the file really hits on my deepest, darkest sexual desire.
I regret I don't have any profound things to reflect on other than the sheer pleasure of hedonism. It's hard to get away from, you know, your cock. I know I would have a very hard time giving this up. I also looked at how I was doing for my goal of 70%, one of the reasons I am opening up more now to masturbation is to meet this goal, right now at 48.8%; you can see that in my BR at the top.
Man I feel slow now, I think it was the file, hehe. Well that is about all I have to write, will revisit my path into masturbatory bliss in future posts. Until then, bate on!!
Oh, and if you are remotely into this "get dumb and feel good" fetish that I seem to have, I recommend the file, check it out!
Sunday, February 24, 2013
Checking In
Bate Rate: 0.42958
So it has been awhile since I last blogged, I miss it, I need to blog more often. I found I need to just put it on my daily list of must get done things, as I had on my list for today! I've been so busy lately and it seems to show no signs of letting up!
Man, so where to start? My sex life, consisting of masturbation and solo sexual auto erotica, has been slow, to put it mildly. I think I find a sort of personal self-righteousness in not giving into my desires; this is in the footprints of Thomas Aquinas or even Epicurus, who said to obtain ultimate pleasure we need to refrain from it... interesting concept, but not sure if it is one I can aspire to. Sometimes my temptation is just to take the easy road, but I'm sad to report I am finding I have less and less sexual energy and drive now. I don't seem to have the desire to whack off, certainly not on a daily basis like I used to. Could this be a sign that I am past my sexual peak? I hope not, but fear that it is likely true, I'm not 16 anymore.
I'm also finding that I'm drawn to porn again, from time to time, because I like the idea of sexual arousal and fellatio between two youths over 18--not into pederasty, thank you! But I am a Christian too and in my heart I know seeing this pleasure between two guys in basketball shorts is a sin, as much as the images turn me on to orgasmic heights. At least I feel that seeking such content out is not right, well not right after I spill my seed. Fortunately, the temptation is not that great to go back, although I do think about it from time to time.
I know, too, that I have, in past entries, struggled about my personal sexuality. Am I gay, bi, asexual? None of the above? The more I am alone, the harder it seems for me to get out there and really explore my sexuality. I admit that there is fear still in me. I fear the reaction of me coming out in this small town I live in, I know I sound like some high school kid who can't be who he is, the problem with me is I don't want to know 100% who I am, I want to be in this space of gray, neither black or white, where it's safe. People can think I am gay and honestly I would not have a problem with that, since such thoughts would save me the trouble of having to be honest with them about who I like. Part of me feels this is intensely private, why should anyone really know who I prefer or what orientation I am?
I seem to be struggling and evolving in a world that is evolving around me. My church seems to be embracing more and more that homosexuality is acceptable. A group is starting up within my church that aims to be a safe place for gay lesbian bisexual and transgender people. They want to start a monthly "safe place" for those who are identified as GLBT to socialize and be who they are. Do I dare step out of my shell and join them as a "gay" person? For now, I am a very sympathetic supporter who is patiently waiting on the sidelines to see what is going to happen. I know that if I was to "come out" within my church community, I would be accepted. My family would be not be "happy" about it, but I don't think they would be shocked, I've had more than one person (well three people now) say that they thought I was gay, or could tell by how I carry myself, my personal mannerisms, that I am a gay man. I have to say that kind of bothers me, to be totally honest. I don't like the stereotype of a gay man, I don't like to be perceived as effeminate. So what? I like to have a nice house with nice things, decorated if you will, but does that make me some women-man? Less of a man? I am into sports gear, motocross, that is very masculine, right? At least I think it is. I think I will leave it at that, but I will say one more thing, this is a very significant roadblock for me to admit to anyone (who is straight that I don't know from on line) that I am gay.
The second big factor is my best friend, who is a very kind man, but one who firmly feels that homosexuality is a sin. I value his opinion and I think it would be so hard for me to face him to admit that I am going to be gay and live a gay lifestyle. He said he would still support me, but I can tell that it would put a serious strain on our relationship. I know that my goal is not to be a people pleaser, but part of me does not want to be hated, to be scorned. I know how hard it can be to be openly gay while in a small conservative town. Sure, if I was out in HS, and I had the courage, support and opportunity to let everyone around me know who I was and if I had not built this life that I find myself in, it would be easier. But I did not live that life, I did not accept this side of me for many, many years; and now I am stuck in the residue of what I have built, a perception of a straight single man who just seems to not be married. Is this who I am destined to be? Can I live like this for the rest of my life? To be alone? It helps that I am an introverts I don't mind having hours and hours alone, to do my own thing, but even introverts get lonely from time to time.
I would add one more complication to my sex life, or lack thereof. That is, I find myself not attracted to 90% of the men out there. There is a sliver, a 10% sliver, of youthful, slim, hairless guys into sports gear that I would not mind messing around with. Those are the ones with potential, but what on earth do I do with that? My only solution seems to live a double life one where I troll the internet for fleeting relationships that will ultimately break your heart (because they are not real). It's not like there are gay clubs where I live and even if there were, I doubt I would go to any--not while I am still confused and closeted. The problem is my type seems to only be found over the internet, and I don't see myself moving to who knows where for some guy I meet over the internet. So far in my dealings with the internet I have found dead ends and disappointments. So, once more, there are more stumbling blocks.
I can satisfy myself asexually. I am first and foremost a fetishist. I own the gear I have what I need, and I can afford to get more. But that is not a relationship, it is stuff. I still get lonely at nights. Sure, I have a community of people I associate with on the outside, who know that mask I present to the world, but not that many people know me for who I am deep down in terms of the dark recesses of the enigma of my sexuality,
Whoa, that was a really long post! I guess I have a lot on my chest to get off! I know that in the next year I will have to make some hard choices, I just pray that they will be the right ones. Yoga helps... a lot.
So it has been awhile since I last blogged, I miss it, I need to blog more often. I found I need to just put it on my daily list of must get done things, as I had on my list for today! I've been so busy lately and it seems to show no signs of letting up!
Man, so where to start? My sex life, consisting of masturbation and solo sexual auto erotica, has been slow, to put it mildly. I think I find a sort of personal self-righteousness in not giving into my desires; this is in the footprints of Thomas Aquinas or even Epicurus, who said to obtain ultimate pleasure we need to refrain from it... interesting concept, but not sure if it is one I can aspire to. Sometimes my temptation is just to take the easy road, but I'm sad to report I am finding I have less and less sexual energy and drive now. I don't seem to have the desire to whack off, certainly not on a daily basis like I used to. Could this be a sign that I am past my sexual peak? I hope not, but fear that it is likely true, I'm not 16 anymore.
I'm also finding that I'm drawn to porn again, from time to time, because I like the idea of sexual arousal and fellatio between two youths over 18--not into pederasty, thank you! But I am a Christian too and in my heart I know seeing this pleasure between two guys in basketball shorts is a sin, as much as the images turn me on to orgasmic heights. At least I feel that seeking such content out is not right, well not right after I spill my seed. Fortunately, the temptation is not that great to go back, although I do think about it from time to time.
I know, too, that I have, in past entries, struggled about my personal sexuality. Am I gay, bi, asexual? None of the above? The more I am alone, the harder it seems for me to get out there and really explore my sexuality. I admit that there is fear still in me. I fear the reaction of me coming out in this small town I live in, I know I sound like some high school kid who can't be who he is, the problem with me is I don't want to know 100% who I am, I want to be in this space of gray, neither black or white, where it's safe. People can think I am gay and honestly I would not have a problem with that, since such thoughts would save me the trouble of having to be honest with them about who I like. Part of me feels this is intensely private, why should anyone really know who I prefer or what orientation I am?
I seem to be struggling and evolving in a world that is evolving around me. My church seems to be embracing more and more that homosexuality is acceptable. A group is starting up within my church that aims to be a safe place for gay lesbian bisexual and transgender people. They want to start a monthly "safe place" for those who are identified as GLBT to socialize and be who they are. Do I dare step out of my shell and join them as a "gay" person? For now, I am a very sympathetic supporter who is patiently waiting on the sidelines to see what is going to happen. I know that if I was to "come out" within my church community, I would be accepted. My family would be not be "happy" about it, but I don't think they would be shocked, I've had more than one person (well three people now) say that they thought I was gay, or could tell by how I carry myself, my personal mannerisms, that I am a gay man. I have to say that kind of bothers me, to be totally honest. I don't like the stereotype of a gay man, I don't like to be perceived as effeminate. So what? I like to have a nice house with nice things, decorated if you will, but does that make me some women-man? Less of a man? I am into sports gear, motocross, that is very masculine, right? At least I think it is. I think I will leave it at that, but I will say one more thing, this is a very significant roadblock for me to admit to anyone (who is straight that I don't know from on line) that I am gay.
The second big factor is my best friend, who is a very kind man, but one who firmly feels that homosexuality is a sin. I value his opinion and I think it would be so hard for me to face him to admit that I am going to be gay and live a gay lifestyle. He said he would still support me, but I can tell that it would put a serious strain on our relationship. I know that my goal is not to be a people pleaser, but part of me does not want to be hated, to be scorned. I know how hard it can be to be openly gay while in a small conservative town. Sure, if I was out in HS, and I had the courage, support and opportunity to let everyone around me know who I was and if I had not built this life that I find myself in, it would be easier. But I did not live that life, I did not accept this side of me for many, many years; and now I am stuck in the residue of what I have built, a perception of a straight single man who just seems to not be married. Is this who I am destined to be? Can I live like this for the rest of my life? To be alone? It helps that I am an introverts I don't mind having hours and hours alone, to do my own thing, but even introverts get lonely from time to time.
I would add one more complication to my sex life, or lack thereof. That is, I find myself not attracted to 90% of the men out there. There is a sliver, a 10% sliver, of youthful, slim, hairless guys into sports gear that I would not mind messing around with. Those are the ones with potential, but what on earth do I do with that? My only solution seems to live a double life one where I troll the internet for fleeting relationships that will ultimately break your heart (because they are not real). It's not like there are gay clubs where I live and even if there were, I doubt I would go to any--not while I am still confused and closeted. The problem is my type seems to only be found over the internet, and I don't see myself moving to who knows where for some guy I meet over the internet. So far in my dealings with the internet I have found dead ends and disappointments. So, once more, there are more stumbling blocks.
I can satisfy myself asexually. I am first and foremost a fetishist. I own the gear I have what I need, and I can afford to get more. But that is not a relationship, it is stuff. I still get lonely at nights. Sure, I have a community of people I associate with on the outside, who know that mask I present to the world, but not that many people know me for who I am deep down in terms of the dark recesses of the enigma of my sexuality,
Whoa, that was a really long post! I guess I have a lot on my chest to get off! I know that in the next year I will have to make some hard choices, I just pray that they will be the right ones. Yoga helps... a lot.
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