Today got off with a rough start, not that this is that unusual for me, but it seem that despite my best intentions to communicate love and acceptance to people, it gets perceived as bullying by others. I am not a bully, never have been and never would want to be one. I think the issue here is definitions. To me a bully is someone of activity seeks out to intimidate and harm another person in order to make themselves feel better. They call someone names, and rejoices in seeing the other person get torn down. I do not do those things, nor would I want to do them. I was bullied as a kid and I know how much it hurts the other person. I think what is at issue here is bad communication. I say A the other person hear's B, even if I never wanted to say B that is what they hear, and so then they come back with C, I am a bully. This has left me upset, to say the least, as I pride myself in being a loving, accepting person, not quick to judge. I have sought out friends who do not have other friends, the socially marginalized, as I know they need a person in their lives to be their friend.
I know I am rambling here, I am in a bit of a state, I suppose. All morning I have been stewing over am email from a friend who said that he thought I was bullying someone else, a mutual friend of ours, when from my perspective, he was the one who pulled away from me, and the only reason he did was because I would not comply with some things he was wanting me to do, that I didn't understand what he was up to, so I stopped and asked a few questions, and this has "ticked him off" and so he just left, no word of explanation. Just because I question the motives of another person, for my own personal safety ---he was trying to do something to me, like hypnosis or something, although I am not sure, as it didn't get that far---it does not make me a bully! I think the issue in full is that this person who emailed me seemed to take the other guy's story without asking me first what happened from my perspective. I have sense tried to correct the issue, there is nothing else I know to do. I also have no idea how to not be me, if I am a bully by nature and I have no perception of it, then I don't know how to change sense I don't know what behaviors I did that affected the other person. I feel like I am speaking French and they are speaking Chinese. We are just not communicating, and it gets to me. Here I have so few friends, friends who understand me, for who I am, and I seem to be the one who gets to pay the price, by being isolated and alone, and on St. Valentines Day. Yeah, it's not that bad, I do have friends and people I can talk to, a special friend I have that I look forward to chatting with, but it seems like it's the little things that get to you, and this is one of those things.
I have more I could talk about, but am not wanting to touch on those aspects just now, as I have my day before me and more I need to do around the house. I am still into the dumbing down fetish, but am staying away from jumping full into the files. I don't feel remarkably dumb just now, so I think everything is okay. More later.
Saturday, February 14, 2015
Thursday, February 5, 2015
The Ups and Downs of Life
As usual, I wish I had more time to devote to this post of my blog. There is more going on in my life right now than I have time to translate into words, in fact I will not check this post for typos, not to turn anyone onto dumbing down, but due to the aforementioned time restraints! Such is life.
Ok, so onto what;s going on. I am spending way too much time fixated on dumbing down, hypnosis, and speaking to friends who are into dumbing down. Not that any of these things are bad, or even lead to bad choices right now for me, but it has become my chief purpose foregoing all other passions, and practices. Prayer? Ha, out the window, I never pray. Not that I don't believe, I do, but it has become a lower priority. Last night I had Law and Order on my TV, ready to watch, it remained unwatched, why? Was reading the dumbing down threads and masturbating to them. I have even heard masturbation hypnosis that is designed to get you more chronically addicted to it. I find I have to constantly hide from my roommate, I am constantly in some kind of compromised state. I am not reading, working on my novel, bearly keeping up with chores. And has this obsession gotten me so far? Well it got me masturbating and horny all the time, but beyond that there is not much to show for it. I know that much of this angst is about my need to be productive, but man I do have goals in life and I am not doing a thing to meet them right now.
I titled this post the ups and down of life because when I am into this stuff, I am very happy, its a rush of endorphins. I love it, gets me so horny and addicted, but then when its over I feel utterly alone. This constant up and down, I know its not healthy, I know I need help, but I keep telling myself I have this covered, I don't need to spend $100 an hour for a therapist for him to tell me I need to not look at warp my mind anymore, I get it, the stuff makes you crazy. My problem is living the straight and narrow is just boring to me. I am not interested in reading books about Henry VIII or Lewis and Clark, I know I need to be, but I'm not. I'm not interested in deepening my academic knowledge on gay marriage and the church and if the Bible says its okay, I ma so over that now, I don't care, I know in my heart its not a sin, do I need to read 1000 pages on line about it? (I had a friend who wrote this and wants me to read it, which is so tedious and boring.
Maybe its the horniness, my sex drive just wants more and more and more, and it won't stop. Is this addiction? Maybe. I want to say so much more, but no time. I will come back and post more soon.
Ok, so onto what;s going on. I am spending way too much time fixated on dumbing down, hypnosis, and speaking to friends who are into dumbing down. Not that any of these things are bad, or even lead to bad choices right now for me, but it has become my chief purpose foregoing all other passions, and practices. Prayer? Ha, out the window, I never pray. Not that I don't believe, I do, but it has become a lower priority. Last night I had Law and Order on my TV, ready to watch, it remained unwatched, why? Was reading the dumbing down threads and masturbating to them. I have even heard masturbation hypnosis that is designed to get you more chronically addicted to it. I find I have to constantly hide from my roommate, I am constantly in some kind of compromised state. I am not reading, working on my novel, bearly keeping up with chores. And has this obsession gotten me so far? Well it got me masturbating and horny all the time, but beyond that there is not much to show for it. I know that much of this angst is about my need to be productive, but man I do have goals in life and I am not doing a thing to meet them right now.
I titled this post the ups and down of life because when I am into this stuff, I am very happy, its a rush of endorphins. I love it, gets me so horny and addicted, but then when its over I feel utterly alone. This constant up and down, I know its not healthy, I know I need help, but I keep telling myself I have this covered, I don't need to spend $100 an hour for a therapist for him to tell me I need to not look at warp my mind anymore, I get it, the stuff makes you crazy. My problem is living the straight and narrow is just boring to me. I am not interested in reading books about Henry VIII or Lewis and Clark, I know I need to be, but I'm not. I'm not interested in deepening my academic knowledge on gay marriage and the church and if the Bible says its okay, I ma so over that now, I don't care, I know in my heart its not a sin, do I need to read 1000 pages on line about it? (I had a friend who wrote this and wants me to read it, which is so tedious and boring.
Maybe its the horniness, my sex drive just wants more and more and more, and it won't stop. Is this addiction? Maybe. I want to say so much more, but no time. I will come back and post more soon.
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