The New Me

I have been on a dangerous road of late, going from extremes of self pleasure, hypnosis, and fantasy.  I think I need a change, I know I need a change.  I was meaning to go back and re-read my post from late last year about my fetishes and how when taking them to their inevitable conclusion, they lead to some form of self-destruction.  They are the three D's:  Dumbing Down, Diapers, and Devil Worship.  I have thankfully have pretty much stayed clear of the last one, I went onto Bible of Cock and read it to climax a few times, and that I consider Satanic due to the imagery of goat head beasts masturbation and inverted crosses and pentacles.  Fortunately, I have not been drawn to go back, it leaves me hollow inside when I jerk off to that shit.

Diapers has stayed with me, in fact I am in a wet one now, very nice.  Not necessarily self-destructive, but a life change if I go incont., which is always on my mind, but my better judgement prevents me from entertaining the notion, its just easier to wear when I can and am so inclined to.  I hate to be so morbid, but I won't go incont. as long as my parents are alive.  I am so often with them, on trips and visits, and I just cannot bear to tell them I want to wear diapers, so they will never know, if I have any say about it.  Needless to say, I am in  a holding pattern with diapers, and just will carry on as I've always have.

Now for the last, dumbing down.  Okay, so here's the deal.  I had a friend, someone who PM'ed me on WMM, hypnosis website, that said I should do it.  I chatted with him and he seemed to indicate that I can do this this "permanent" file and be okay, maintain my current level of thinking, work performance, personal obligations, responsibilities, and hobbies.  Like this was just some side thing to help me relax and get me off.  But there more I thought about it, the more I realized it is trashing the neat well-kept, library of my brain.  It is an aggressive file, made to change you, make you not think.  I have been told it is not really "permanent", but I have seen the effects the files has had on perfectly normal people who are made into perfect idiots by listening to the files.  Sure, they feel good about it, but I just don't like the idea of someone going into my brain and messing with it, altering my memories, my learning, my accomplishments.  I have been told I am making a huge deal about it, and so I did it, I listened to file 1, all the way, until I cam.  It did feel good, but I had a sense of uneasiness all day, and I just can't shake that I am doing someone horrible to myself.  

Then all of this got me praying.  I am not really spiritually anymore, I go to church and believe God is real, but I don't pray anymore, at least not regularly.  I did today, I prayed that God would lead me to where I need to go with this.  I had such a sense of indecision.  Do I do this, or not?  Part of me wanted to and part did not, and they both seemed equally matched, so neither side would win.  As soon as I would resolve one way, the other would fight back.  Then, as I said, I prayed, and I saw a file about being made straight.  I know the idea is preposterous.  No one can be made to be straight or gay, right?  I mean it takes a life time of nurture and genetics predisposition to inform one's sexual identity.  I get that, but for me I am not 100% gay, I am somewhere helplessly lost in the middle, unsure about myself, who I am, what I need and want.  I cannot find a guy on Match.com I like, I have been on the site for months.  So far no matches in my area.  I live in a conservative area, so there just dosn't seem to be that many out gays around.  I don't want to move away just to meet a guy, that strikes me as rash.  So if a file can make someone dumb, I have seen the proof in posts that are literally ridiculous, every word misspelled.   If that can happen, why can't a file make you straight by the same methods?  I know it may be a waste of time, but I am going to give it a go.  If I fail, great, I know I am gay and there is nothing I can do about it, I will stay on my same course.  If it DOES change me, then a whole new world of tits and pussy will open up to me, my family and friends will look on my approvingly.  I will make everyone happy, espcially myself.  There will be zero doubt about the faith question, there will be no one to accuse me of living in sin, even the most conservative of them all.  Strangely it still matters to me what evangelicals think of me, I wonder if there is a file for that too?  Probably...  I will keep you all informed, sorry for typos, not checking for them.