I think it can be safe to say that nothing that noteworthy has occurred to me since my last entry into this blog. This has changed within the last few days. I am deliberately avoiding my typical evening routine to get this out at last. So I am pretty much sure now that I am gay. The question really is what do I intend to do about it.
I will try to make this short as I'm hungry and I don't want to write out a book to get a simple thing across. I know I have a growing addiction to masturbation and with that on line pornography.. It came slow at first, but then I broke the password on my porn filter and I indulged, big time. I came twice yesterday, once just now and about two times before yesterday, I am counting 6 times in the last 5 days. That is a lot higher than normal for me.
There is clearly a problem here that I am constantly dealing with. I asked for forgiveness today, but God knows this was in the midst of the acts I have been committed to. The question is where do I go from here? How do I respond to this ceaseless attack? I have no will to pray or spend time in the Word, and I know this is a contributed to this behavior. When I am caught in the bate and read about others in the same state it is hard to resist the allure that it promises. What is killing me is I have been here before on more than one occasion. In fact you can say this is a carbon copy of where I was when I wrote the entry on Priapus. Yesterday was spend reading about a false religion and its evil. Today was all about Bateworld and the blogs of the countless slaves to penis pleasure. And me who follows along and comes and then in the aftermath once again I am left drained and useless. Why can't I see the lie before I enter in? Why must I keep after it again and again without any remorse?
I was doublely disappointed today when I learned that it is virtually impossible to get a net filter on the iPhone, which I have of course. It seem that technology has cornered me again leaving me no options but my own will to counter this. But that is the problem, I am trying to fight evil without a sword (the Word) without the breastplate of righteousness, or the helmet of truth. I need to take my faith to the next level, I have to. I am under attack here and I am not tapping into the resources that will help me. I wish I had more Christian friends that would just accept me for who I am and hold my accountable. No one comes to me with their issues, so it seems weird for me to go to them with mine.
Here is what I think I need to do for now:
1. Read "the Shack" finish it.
2. Download apps for scripture memory.
3. Read "You don't have to be Gay"
4. Pray Pray pray!
Wednesday, December 30, 2009
Sunday, October 4, 2009
Last Novemeber
Almost a year ago, over the Thanksgiving break, I went on a trip down to Louisiana to visit an old high school friend of mine. Well I won't bother to go into all the details of the ill fated trip other than the fact that the first night I was there I had my bag stolen. Apparently it was this senseless act of crime that has effectively driven a wedge in between myself and my friend.
Normally I try to just process these things on my own, but in particularity bad cases I like to get my thoughts down onto paper or cyber-space to help me think. The reason all of this is coming up now almost a year later is because yesterday I was finally able to contact my old friend. Up to that point, I had not heard a word from him despite several calls and texts. In the course of the first few weeks after this happened, I grew more concerned over the loss of my friendship than I did over the loss of some possessions.
So we talked and I guess the issue was my reaction; or better stated, my over-reaction to the loss of my bag. At the time is was a very dramatic experience for me because I had never had that much stuff stolen from me before. But it was not the stuff really, it was my car keys and also my camera. The car keys were the biggest issue, because I needed to be able to find a dealer that could make a new set, but the only one that could make one was closed until Monday.
I could go through all the aspects of what happened. Who said what when, etc. etc. But I don't really see the point in doing this. I know I did what I felt I needed to do while being as sensitive as possible to my friend's position in this. He was sick as well and that made matters worse. I know the whole weekend was consumed with me trying to figure out what I was going to do and in retrospect maybe I should not have called my parents the night it happened, but I was really in shock because I had not lost my car keys before. I needed someone to talk to that could be in a position to help me if this was to become a worse case scenario. Was that all that bad? In all, I really didn't do anything rash, save for maybe some of the off handed remarks I said while on the phone with my mom and he was in earshot. I regret that. I regret being nervous about it, but sometimes when I am in a tough spot that is the only emotion I have. Is that my fault that I felt a certain way?
So now here we are. I called him he told me that this is the reason he tried to cut me off. He also mentioned that a message I left regarding the insurance situation was also to blame. That somehow I acted inappropriately by calling regarding making a insurance claim on my bag and seeing if they made a claim on their broken car window so that they could be coupled together. I think this was simply a misunderstanding. Obviously, I didn't expect for them to make a claim on my bag without them knowing its contents, but somehow that is the message that was sent to them. Again, rather than calling me about this, he chose to believe what he wanted to without getting all the facts. There is only so much stuff you can leave on a phone message and maybe I should not have mentioned anything, other than for him to call me. Lesson learned.
I said I was sorry, in fact I have said I was sorry for everything at least three times to him now. I honestly could be asking for an apology from him on the way he has treated me through all of this. I know that getting something stolen is not a big deal to him, but that is no excuse for a complete lack of empathy or even understanding about what I was trying to deal with. He did not appreciate my position being in a place totally foreign to me, not having any transportation, etc. I know he helped at the time and I am grateful for that, but to then turn around and hold against me that being a bit stressed out was somehow an overreaction makes me cringe in anger. I wish he would try to see life from my shoes. It was an awkward situation for me and I hated that fact that I was forcing them to drive me places to help me because I needed help. I did thank them as well for this.
We are just different people in every possible way, and maybe in H.S. we stuck together because we didn't really have many other friends to rely on, but now that we are out of that environment and we have chosen different paths for our lives, it is obvious that we have a totally different way or approach at living life. I think now that if it wasn't for the robbery I think it would have been something else. This was bound to happen. He is upset because I am not like him. That is basically what this is all about. That I reacted in a way that he would not have reacted in and because I was upset about the thing, I am not longer worthy to be his friend.
So how I see this now is that the ball is in his court. I left one last text for him yesterday and that will be the end of it unless he decides to let this thing go and call me. My guess is he won't. He never said he forgave me although he said he doesn't hold a grudge. But that is no matter, the damage is done and I can tell he has no interest in me anymore. We didn't speak for nearly a year and he doesn't ask me a single question about what is going on in my life. Then he abruptly ends the call with and excuse to end it and doesn't call back. These should be the biggest signs of all that sadly the friendship has died.
All this having been said, I will not allow this experience to wash over me and become part of my past. Despite everything that went wrong that weekend I did learn some valuable life lessons that I intend to employ in the future.
(1) When bad things happen, try to remain calm and composed and realize that God is in control. My over-reaction is a legitimate claim. I should not have called my parents that night without knowing all the facts and what would end up happening. I certainly should have not said anything bad about New Orleans.
(2) Realize that stuff is not as important as people. I really failed at this lesson. Possessions can always be replaced, maybe with some extra effort, but in time they can be restored. Friendships on the other hand are irreplaceable. Yes it was a pain and it screwed up the weekend, but I still could have made more of an effort to enjoy New Orleans and try to relax a little even after everything went to hell.
So I know I need to work on some things, I hope that my long time friend realizes that I know I need to change and become a better friend to others. However, I have done everything I am going to do as far as me and him. Our future is in his hands now, I have made my peace with this no matter what the outcome is. I hope that he can do the same and seek to one day forgive me for my share of this in his heart.
---------------------------------------out-------------------------------------------
Normally I try to just process these things on my own, but in particularity bad cases I like to get my thoughts down onto paper or cyber-space to help me think. The reason all of this is coming up now almost a year later is because yesterday I was finally able to contact my old friend. Up to that point, I had not heard a word from him despite several calls and texts. In the course of the first few weeks after this happened, I grew more concerned over the loss of my friendship than I did over the loss of some possessions.
So we talked and I guess the issue was my reaction; or better stated, my over-reaction to the loss of my bag. At the time is was a very dramatic experience for me because I had never had that much stuff stolen from me before. But it was not the stuff really, it was my car keys and also my camera. The car keys were the biggest issue, because I needed to be able to find a dealer that could make a new set, but the only one that could make one was closed until Monday.
I could go through all the aspects of what happened. Who said what when, etc. etc. But I don't really see the point in doing this. I know I did what I felt I needed to do while being as sensitive as possible to my friend's position in this. He was sick as well and that made matters worse. I know the whole weekend was consumed with me trying to figure out what I was going to do and in retrospect maybe I should not have called my parents the night it happened, but I was really in shock because I had not lost my car keys before. I needed someone to talk to that could be in a position to help me if this was to become a worse case scenario. Was that all that bad? In all, I really didn't do anything rash, save for maybe some of the off handed remarks I said while on the phone with my mom and he was in earshot. I regret that. I regret being nervous about it, but sometimes when I am in a tough spot that is the only emotion I have. Is that my fault that I felt a certain way?
So now here we are. I called him he told me that this is the reason he tried to cut me off. He also mentioned that a message I left regarding the insurance situation was also to blame. That somehow I acted inappropriately by calling regarding making a insurance claim on my bag and seeing if they made a claim on their broken car window so that they could be coupled together. I think this was simply a misunderstanding. Obviously, I didn't expect for them to make a claim on my bag without them knowing its contents, but somehow that is the message that was sent to them. Again, rather than calling me about this, he chose to believe what he wanted to without getting all the facts. There is only so much stuff you can leave on a phone message and maybe I should not have mentioned anything, other than for him to call me. Lesson learned.
I said I was sorry, in fact I have said I was sorry for everything at least three times to him now. I honestly could be asking for an apology from him on the way he has treated me through all of this. I know that getting something stolen is not a big deal to him, but that is no excuse for a complete lack of empathy or even understanding about what I was trying to deal with. He did not appreciate my position being in a place totally foreign to me, not having any transportation, etc. I know he helped at the time and I am grateful for that, but to then turn around and hold against me that being a bit stressed out was somehow an overreaction makes me cringe in anger. I wish he would try to see life from my shoes. It was an awkward situation for me and I hated that fact that I was forcing them to drive me places to help me because I needed help. I did thank them as well for this.
We are just different people in every possible way, and maybe in H.S. we stuck together because we didn't really have many other friends to rely on, but now that we are out of that environment and we have chosen different paths for our lives, it is obvious that we have a totally different way or approach at living life. I think now that if it wasn't for the robbery I think it would have been something else. This was bound to happen. He is upset because I am not like him. That is basically what this is all about. That I reacted in a way that he would not have reacted in and because I was upset about the thing, I am not longer worthy to be his friend.
So how I see this now is that the ball is in his court. I left one last text for him yesterday and that will be the end of it unless he decides to let this thing go and call me. My guess is he won't. He never said he forgave me although he said he doesn't hold a grudge. But that is no matter, the damage is done and I can tell he has no interest in me anymore. We didn't speak for nearly a year and he doesn't ask me a single question about what is going on in my life. Then he abruptly ends the call with and excuse to end it and doesn't call back. These should be the biggest signs of all that sadly the friendship has died.
All this having been said, I will not allow this experience to wash over me and become part of my past. Despite everything that went wrong that weekend I did learn some valuable life lessons that I intend to employ in the future.
(1) When bad things happen, try to remain calm and composed and realize that God is in control. My over-reaction is a legitimate claim. I should not have called my parents that night without knowing all the facts and what would end up happening. I certainly should have not said anything bad about New Orleans.
(2) Realize that stuff is not as important as people. I really failed at this lesson. Possessions can always be replaced, maybe with some extra effort, but in time they can be restored. Friendships on the other hand are irreplaceable. Yes it was a pain and it screwed up the weekend, but I still could have made more of an effort to enjoy New Orleans and try to relax a little even after everything went to hell.
So I know I need to work on some things, I hope that my long time friend realizes that I know I need to change and become a better friend to others. However, I have done everything I am going to do as far as me and him. Our future is in his hands now, I have made my peace with this no matter what the outcome is. I hope that he can do the same and seek to one day forgive me for my share of this in his heart.
---------------------------------------out-------------------------------------------
Saturday, July 25, 2009
Update on the state of my life
I have just finished mowing the lawn, and I told myself that I would sit down and reflect on the present state of affairs in my life. I am sad to say that the list of concerns I had wanted to journal on have been over shadowed by my some old struggle on masturbation. I did not want to discuss this again today, but it seems to be a persistent issue that remains unstable and unresolved in my life. I am saddened when I re-read old entries. My last entry here was from about two and a half months ago when I was so sure of myself, so committed to having this "under control." At some point, and I forget when now as I no longer keep records on these matters, I decided once again that there simply can be no rules when it comes to masturbation. Why you ask? Well any rule I put in place will eventually be broken. It is only a matter of time. The rule of desire and temptation to indulge in what makes me feel good, on a temporary basis, is ingrained within my thinking, my habits, the very behavior of my life. It is a slippery slope, and once you are on it, it takes you where you are going to go. I said to myself, I will not have rules, but I will face whatever consequences I face as part of going too far overboard.
I think this is where I am now. I have broken no rules today, but I have been masturbating a lot more lately and these sessions have increasingly kept me in front of my computer. I have to go deeper and ask myself why do I feel its so necessary to give into these desires to masturbate to orgasm all of the time? I know there is a question of the reality of my own physiology and my need to release, but this is more than that now. I really had no need to do it after lunch, but I did have an opportunity to do it. I was alone, I had time, I had access to the computer, and I could make myself horny. All the ingredients where there to make it happen but I did not have to take that opportunity to do it. I need to focus on the feelings I have when I do it. I really think this is the only way. Its a matter of making the ill consequences worse so that I can remember what its like to be stuck in addiction and the guilt and worthlessness I get from this. I know that God plays a huge role in this, but God does not want me to enter into idolatry of the flesh, does he? No, certainly not. Therefore, I need to not only bathe this whole situation in a daily prayer of strength and protection, but I need to get this into muscle memory. Even if its a phrase, a Bible verse, a piece of a song, something that can stick with me, something that I can remember when I am steeped in my lusts. I wish I could think of it, maybe my own piece of wisdom such as are you in control of your flesh, or is it control of you? I hate to make another plan, another rule, even a simple one, because I know it will be broken. My desires are too strong. I can't even edge, I can't even play a masturbation game because I lack the self control, even if for pleasurable purposes.
So where does this leave me? This is the enduring questions that courses through these journal entries. I think firstly, I need to have that phrase on my computer somewhere where I can see it if I am here to look for porn, wanks blogs, or the like of those so decidedly depraved and beyond help working as inspiration for my own demise. Next, I need to remember that life without rules is not life without consequences. I know full well that the actions we take lead to future feelings and circumstances that I may not desire. This is true with porn on line. I can tell myself a thousand times that this time I will do it and not feel any guilt. That we have no rules now so anything goes, but nothing can dissolve the law of sin that leads to death. These people cannot be happy, they are polluted beyond any control of themselves and are addicted to themselves. That is real, that is a consequence. In the words of Kamalot "Every move we makes sets our destiny!" So true. I pray that I can learn moderation this upcoming month and that living without rules I can know how much I need to have before it destroys who I am.
I think this is where I am now. I have broken no rules today, but I have been masturbating a lot more lately and these sessions have increasingly kept me in front of my computer. I have to go deeper and ask myself why do I feel its so necessary to give into these desires to masturbate to orgasm all of the time? I know there is a question of the reality of my own physiology and my need to release, but this is more than that now. I really had no need to do it after lunch, but I did have an opportunity to do it. I was alone, I had time, I had access to the computer, and I could make myself horny. All the ingredients where there to make it happen but I did not have to take that opportunity to do it. I need to focus on the feelings I have when I do it. I really think this is the only way. Its a matter of making the ill consequences worse so that I can remember what its like to be stuck in addiction and the guilt and worthlessness I get from this. I know that God plays a huge role in this, but God does not want me to enter into idolatry of the flesh, does he? No, certainly not. Therefore, I need to not only bathe this whole situation in a daily prayer of strength and protection, but I need to get this into muscle memory. Even if its a phrase, a Bible verse, a piece of a song, something that can stick with me, something that I can remember when I am steeped in my lusts. I wish I could think of it, maybe my own piece of wisdom such as are you in control of your flesh, or is it control of you? I hate to make another plan, another rule, even a simple one, because I know it will be broken. My desires are too strong. I can't even edge, I can't even play a masturbation game because I lack the self control, even if for pleasurable purposes.
So where does this leave me? This is the enduring questions that courses through these journal entries. I think firstly, I need to have that phrase on my computer somewhere where I can see it if I am here to look for porn, wanks blogs, or the like of those so decidedly depraved and beyond help working as inspiration for my own demise. Next, I need to remember that life without rules is not life without consequences. I know full well that the actions we take lead to future feelings and circumstances that I may not desire. This is true with porn on line. I can tell myself a thousand times that this time I will do it and not feel any guilt. That we have no rules now so anything goes, but nothing can dissolve the law of sin that leads to death. These people cannot be happy, they are polluted beyond any control of themselves and are addicted to themselves. That is real, that is a consequence. In the words of Kamalot "Every move we makes sets our destiny!" So true. I pray that I can learn moderation this upcoming month and that living without rules I can know how much I need to have before it destroys who I am.
Sunday, May 10, 2009
Beyond Frustration
I honestly do not know what to do now and I don't have the patience to go on trying to stop what I know is bad for me. Help! Okay, I know it has been some time since my last journal entry so this is what is going on in my life at the moment.
I have been getting back into porn now. I was doing this edging game that basically makes you edge but not cum. I wanted to see if I could do this for the sake of a challenge and to train me not to cum every time I jerk off. Man I am so upset. I completely went off the deep end with this and have I think -60 points because I kept having orgasms. All I wanted to do was edge and I go all the way. So I made the choice to stop the game. To just throw in the towel and canceled it. That is fine, but I needed to do something else. I have to stop all this easy access to porn on-line. This is the thing that is hurting me, that is sinful. I know the game was pushing me to look at porn as an unintended consequence of me constantly masturbating. So I decided, okay, lets get some freedom from this once and for and and get a blocker. I had a great one before my computer crashed that did work! Pro Con, a Fire Fox add on. Well my computer crashed and I had to re-add it. Well, it never worked after that and all the bad stuff got through just fine and dandy. What was worse was I had to be all sneaky and hide the password, a really dumb thing to do when the site doesn't block anything! So I tried to uninstall it and re-add, well its STILL password protected, so then I decided to try to download a free one off the web, well I got it on and that doesn't block xtube either! I am so upset! If God wants me to be free of this stuff, why doesn't He make it easier for me to block it? Clearly I am not able to control myself in the heat of temptation, so its an impossible situation unless I was to basically not have any internet access anymore, which is crazy. My only other option I can think of is actually buying a blocker, which sucks, $10 a month because I can't control myself! This is ridiculous!
Anyways, I had to vent now and this is the way I like to do it. I know I haven't been keeping up with my blog, but really things have been okay until today. I hate this addiction to porn. I wonder if I have to re-enroll to Doors of Hope yet again and get a mentor to stop this. They will want me to not masturbate again, which is way too extreme in the other direction. I just need some balance! Maybe complete prohibition is the answer? But its sooooo incredibly difficult and draining. I know I can do all things through Christ, but what does he want for me anyways? Maybe I just need to rely on Him more and not some blocker, and that is why He is not allowing this to happen right now. He wants me to go to Him and try to find my will He has for me. If its 100% stoppage, then fine. I only pray that I can hear clearly what He wants and be able to follow through, knowing full well how weak my flesh is. I have to stop desiring the bad things as if that was something good. NO! It's not! Okay, I'll keep you posted on the next melt down.
Update:
A few hours later. Well I had to read this again once it was published and I was caught off guard by the fact that I had almost a nearly identical entry from last November, and then again in December and January. Then since January I have not discussed this subject. This is exactly why its so important to journal. I can see where I have been, its so easy to forget that even recently I have addressed these issues quite well, but have failed to follow through with the action steps and convictions. More clarity comes with perspective. Once I bring myself out of the frustrations of the day I see the larger picture.
So what am I seeing? I see that the devil has me on a lovely merry go round. I arrive with some really solid points and convictions, but in a short week I am back to my old ways. The law of Sin is written on my heart. I don't need a plan or a rule to tell me to go back on line and jerk off to stuff I know will turn me on and excite me. The devil is good at what he does, yes I can see it now. I have said this before even. I have always had a problem with implementation of my rules. That is why every plan I try has failed, that in a way is why I want a site blocker. It is something outside of myself that can prevent me from getting what I want. Its like asking a druggie to give up cocaine, while leaving a supply for him in the room to use at anytime. I know I can't cut it off, but I can certainly figure out a way to cut off the food that is feeding my lust, porn!
The devil wants me to get tired of this and go about with business as usual. He wants me to go down my list and try to be "productive" with the remains of this Sunday so that I can go about my affairs, fall into lust again and log right back onto xtube in three or fours days, right on time, like clockwork. Oh this fight is on now! For one of the first times in my life, I see what the problem is! It's not taking this seriously! Its me coming up with plans, but not taking them seriously in my day to day life. It's the fact that I am not vigilance every waking moment whether I am horny or not. You see by not being aware of what happens I can be so easily influenced and manipulated to ease right back to where I was. Sure I had small victories, but the enemies number one weapon on me is complacency. I think that is why I never thought again about the Manifesto. It had become a burden, a chore, something to say I have done so I could check it off my list and go about more "important" business. When I read that again this afternoon I saw that I had the answers! I had a way out, all figured out in a series of rules. And in a manner of speaking I all of my plans have failed at the same point, they failed at my lack of daily, even hourly vigilance.
There was a plan once that I used back in 2003 that was in a way relatively effective and I think the reason it was effective was a daily recitation of the rules that I HAD to do everyday no matter what. That is where this has to come to. A blocker is effective, but its a bad-aid that sooner or later will be breached, it does not effectively eliminate the desires in the first place. Okay, so where does this lead me now? (and I know I have asked this question before)
I will do my best, to follow these steps as close as I can.
(1) I will commit to write out a list of things I need to NOT do and recite them everyday no matter what. This will basically be the Manifesto recommendation I had in the revelation. The recommendations needs to be distilled in some VERY basic action steps that I can do and memorize.
(2) I will commit to read a new website I have found on "moral" masturbation. This is to see what other gems of wisdom there may be out there that can apply to me in my present cycle the devil has me on.
(3) I will commit on my honor to do #1 and #2 to the best of my ability.
I know I have done this before, I have made vows before God and my honor to "not do it anymore" and have broken these vows. All I am wanting now is a vow to do what I already said I would! To learn as much as I can and above all to STOP looking at xtube. I am pretty sure that if I EVER look at that site again I will do the service such as Safe Eyes and pay to get it off, its crazy but I am making an advanced decision at this point to NOT go onto that site or others like it. That includes seeing private parts on gear fetish.com.
Okay, that's it for now!
-----------------------------------------out-----------------------------------------
I have been getting back into porn now. I was doing this edging game that basically makes you edge but not cum. I wanted to see if I could do this for the sake of a challenge and to train me not to cum every time I jerk off. Man I am so upset. I completely went off the deep end with this and have I think -60 points because I kept having orgasms. All I wanted to do was edge and I go all the way. So I made the choice to stop the game. To just throw in the towel and canceled it. That is fine, but I needed to do something else. I have to stop all this easy access to porn on-line. This is the thing that is hurting me, that is sinful. I know the game was pushing me to look at porn as an unintended consequence of me constantly masturbating. So I decided, okay, lets get some freedom from this once and for and and get a blocker. I had a great one before my computer crashed that did work! Pro Con, a Fire Fox add on. Well my computer crashed and I had to re-add it. Well, it never worked after that and all the bad stuff got through just fine and dandy. What was worse was I had to be all sneaky and hide the password, a really dumb thing to do when the site doesn't block anything! So I tried to uninstall it and re-add, well its STILL password protected, so then I decided to try to download a free one off the web, well I got it on and that doesn't block xtube either! I am so upset! If God wants me to be free of this stuff, why doesn't He make it easier for me to block it? Clearly I am not able to control myself in the heat of temptation, so its an impossible situation unless I was to basically not have any internet access anymore, which is crazy. My only other option I can think of is actually buying a blocker, which sucks, $10 a month because I can't control myself! This is ridiculous!
Anyways, I had to vent now and this is the way I like to do it. I know I haven't been keeping up with my blog, but really things have been okay until today. I hate this addiction to porn. I wonder if I have to re-enroll to Doors of Hope yet again and get a mentor to stop this. They will want me to not masturbate again, which is way too extreme in the other direction. I just need some balance! Maybe complete prohibition is the answer? But its sooooo incredibly difficult and draining. I know I can do all things through Christ, but what does he want for me anyways? Maybe I just need to rely on Him more and not some blocker, and that is why He is not allowing this to happen right now. He wants me to go to Him and try to find my will He has for me. If its 100% stoppage, then fine. I only pray that I can hear clearly what He wants and be able to follow through, knowing full well how weak my flesh is. I have to stop desiring the bad things as if that was something good. NO! It's not! Okay, I'll keep you posted on the next melt down.
Update:
A few hours later. Well I had to read this again once it was published and I was caught off guard by the fact that I had almost a nearly identical entry from last November, and then again in December and January. Then since January I have not discussed this subject. This is exactly why its so important to journal. I can see where I have been, its so easy to forget that even recently I have addressed these issues quite well, but have failed to follow through with the action steps and convictions. More clarity comes with perspective. Once I bring myself out of the frustrations of the day I see the larger picture.
So what am I seeing? I see that the devil has me on a lovely merry go round. I arrive with some really solid points and convictions, but in a short week I am back to my old ways. The law of Sin is written on my heart. I don't need a plan or a rule to tell me to go back on line and jerk off to stuff I know will turn me on and excite me. The devil is good at what he does, yes I can see it now. I have said this before even. I have always had a problem with implementation of my rules. That is why every plan I try has failed, that in a way is why I want a site blocker. It is something outside of myself that can prevent me from getting what I want. Its like asking a druggie to give up cocaine, while leaving a supply for him in the room to use at anytime. I know I can't cut it off, but I can certainly figure out a way to cut off the food that is feeding my lust, porn!
The devil wants me to get tired of this and go about with business as usual. He wants me to go down my list and try to be "productive" with the remains of this Sunday so that I can go about my affairs, fall into lust again and log right back onto xtube in three or fours days, right on time, like clockwork. Oh this fight is on now! For one of the first times in my life, I see what the problem is! It's not taking this seriously! Its me coming up with plans, but not taking them seriously in my day to day life. It's the fact that I am not vigilance every waking moment whether I am horny or not. You see by not being aware of what happens I can be so easily influenced and manipulated to ease right back to where I was. Sure I had small victories, but the enemies number one weapon on me is complacency. I think that is why I never thought again about the Manifesto. It had become a burden, a chore, something to say I have done so I could check it off my list and go about more "important" business. When I read that again this afternoon I saw that I had the answers! I had a way out, all figured out in a series of rules. And in a manner of speaking I all of my plans have failed at the same point, they failed at my lack of daily, even hourly vigilance.
There was a plan once that I used back in 2003 that was in a way relatively effective and I think the reason it was effective was a daily recitation of the rules that I HAD to do everyday no matter what. That is where this has to come to. A blocker is effective, but its a bad-aid that sooner or later will be breached, it does not effectively eliminate the desires in the first place. Okay, so where does this lead me now? (and I know I have asked this question before)
I will do my best, to follow these steps as close as I can.
(1) I will commit to write out a list of things I need to NOT do and recite them everyday no matter what. This will basically be the Manifesto recommendation I had in the revelation. The recommendations needs to be distilled in some VERY basic action steps that I can do and memorize.
(2) I will commit to read a new website I have found on "moral" masturbation. This is to see what other gems of wisdom there may be out there that can apply to me in my present cycle the devil has me on.
(3) I will commit on my honor to do #1 and #2 to the best of my ability.
I know I have done this before, I have made vows before God and my honor to "not do it anymore" and have broken these vows. All I am wanting now is a vow to do what I already said I would! To learn as much as I can and above all to STOP looking at xtube. I am pretty sure that if I EVER look at that site again I will do the service such as Safe Eyes and pay to get it off, its crazy but I am making an advanced decision at this point to NOT go onto that site or others like it. That includes seeing private parts on gear fetish.com.
Okay, that's it for now!
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Sunday, February 15, 2009
Feeling Down
Today has been a series of disappointments as I go from one drop to the next. I have more issues right now than what I can honestly feel I can explain well in mere journaling. The main thing I am upset about is that it is becoming more and more likely that I blew it down in New Orleans and I have lost my last friend I had from High School. John and I are very different people and I think both of us has known this for years, even sense high school we went different directions in life. I think this made it hard for me to reconnect with him to begin with, but adding on that some stress and I became a "me monster" only thinking about my things and my well being rather than the sacrifice others were making for me, to help me get though the experience of having my keys and clothes taken.
At first I had no idea why he was not returning my calls and texts. Eventually it became more evident that there was a problem. I could tell when I was with him that he was the type of person who would not always answer his phone and I get that sense now that he sees I'm calling and automatically shuts me out even if I am calling to apologize. He has no e-mail address or mailing that I can use so I am really limited to calling him and so far I have no been able to get through to him.
I called him again today and left a message once again for him to call me back. I also sent him a very short apology in a text message that I'm not even sure if he will get or not, depending on if he gets texts messages. I know I should be stronger after all the other times this has happened to me, but this time its different. John was one of my oldest friends, someone that links me to my past at Caddo Magnet, and now with him out of the picture, there is no one else.
I know this won't kill me, so I won't go to my 20 year reunion, but I still feel bad. I mean if I was the cause of this can I not be allowed to at least say I'm sorry? I feel like this is the Wilson thing all over again. Where I fessed up and sent them a letter, something almost unheard of in this day and age, and from them I have heard nothing. I'm sure they were not going to call me or write and I have moved so in their defense they would not be able to find me that easily, but still I feel that they decided I just don't exist any more and that is the end of it. Why does this has to happen again? It feels so wasteful like all the effort that went into a friendship has been undone and counts for nothing. How can people be so hurt or heartless to not even be able to talk about it? Okay so I didn't fill his whole tank up with gas after I borrowed his truck, is that something so bad to never call someone back? I guess I am just confused because I don't really know what it was I did or if he is not even mad at me at all? But surely he is getting these messages? So I am sure he knows I want to talk to him? My guess is he is mad and that is why I am not hearing from him.
John and I are different and I maybe just need to let this go because we are incapable of being friends we are just too different to find any common ground. I just have to be strong, own up to my part in this, and move on with my life. I have done all I can do, I'm not going to keep calling him and leaving messages... So now I'm just sad. I lost s friend, its rather like someone dying except they could come back to you if they wanted to. At least when a person dies you know its the end and there is nothing that can be done. You mourn and then move on. This to me feels worse, I know John is okay out there and he could call me if he wanted to, but he chooses to pretend I do not exist, he chooses to act like he is dead to me.
I know I am sounding rather bleak here and over dramatic. This is what happens when I journal in the thick of my revelation of what reality I am really in...I was being to feel friendless and it seems the only friends I can attract are the very ones I am not seeking after. Two gay men on the west coast. One is in love with me and I am not sure what to do. It sickens me and I feel I have to do the same thing that John is doing to me to get him to stop. The only problem is I don't have the heart to do that to another person, even if I dislike them or their mannerisms. The other guy is better, but never seems to get me off of his mind, which is also a bit worrisome. Meanwhile to make matters worse, the one friend I would LOVE to get to hang out with more and know better did NOT invite me to his birthday party nor has he invited me to see Friday the 13th which in my twitter blog (which I know he reads) I was very clear about wanting to see it, but not having anyone to go with. And he blogs about how he went and it was a great movie.... I was so mad and now I realize he has no interest in really involving me with his social life or he is so socially illiterate that he can't seem to realize that I might like to do more things with him. In either case I'm at a dead end there too.
I am ranting here in the very long paragraphs, but this is true to form for me as to why I journal. I do this to work out my feelings on paper or in this case in blog form so I can reflect and think about my life. I feel a little better now, but closed like I want to just craw into bed and forget about the unloving world out there. This happens sometimes and I know I just have to deal with it. More on this later if anything important comes up.
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At first I had no idea why he was not returning my calls and texts. Eventually it became more evident that there was a problem. I could tell when I was with him that he was the type of person who would not always answer his phone and I get that sense now that he sees I'm calling and automatically shuts me out even if I am calling to apologize. He has no e-mail address or mailing that I can use so I am really limited to calling him and so far I have no been able to get through to him.
I called him again today and left a message once again for him to call me back. I also sent him a very short apology in a text message that I'm not even sure if he will get or not, depending on if he gets texts messages. I know I should be stronger after all the other times this has happened to me, but this time its different. John was one of my oldest friends, someone that links me to my past at Caddo Magnet, and now with him out of the picture, there is no one else.
I know this won't kill me, so I won't go to my 20 year reunion, but I still feel bad. I mean if I was the cause of this can I not be allowed to at least say I'm sorry? I feel like this is the Wilson thing all over again. Where I fessed up and sent them a letter, something almost unheard of in this day and age, and from them I have heard nothing. I'm sure they were not going to call me or write and I have moved so in their defense they would not be able to find me that easily, but still I feel that they decided I just don't exist any more and that is the end of it. Why does this has to happen again? It feels so wasteful like all the effort that went into a friendship has been undone and counts for nothing. How can people be so hurt or heartless to not even be able to talk about it? Okay so I didn't fill his whole tank up with gas after I borrowed his truck, is that something so bad to never call someone back? I guess I am just confused because I don't really know what it was I did or if he is not even mad at me at all? But surely he is getting these messages? So I am sure he knows I want to talk to him? My guess is he is mad and that is why I am not hearing from him.
John and I are different and I maybe just need to let this go because we are incapable of being friends we are just too different to find any common ground. I just have to be strong, own up to my part in this, and move on with my life. I have done all I can do, I'm not going to keep calling him and leaving messages... So now I'm just sad. I lost s friend, its rather like someone dying except they could come back to you if they wanted to. At least when a person dies you know its the end and there is nothing that can be done. You mourn and then move on. This to me feels worse, I know John is okay out there and he could call me if he wanted to, but he chooses to pretend I do not exist, he chooses to act like he is dead to me.
I know I am sounding rather bleak here and over dramatic. This is what happens when I journal in the thick of my revelation of what reality I am really in...I was being to feel friendless and it seems the only friends I can attract are the very ones I am not seeking after. Two gay men on the west coast. One is in love with me and I am not sure what to do. It sickens me and I feel I have to do the same thing that John is doing to me to get him to stop. The only problem is I don't have the heart to do that to another person, even if I dislike them or their mannerisms. The other guy is better, but never seems to get me off of his mind, which is also a bit worrisome. Meanwhile to make matters worse, the one friend I would LOVE to get to hang out with more and know better did NOT invite me to his birthday party nor has he invited me to see Friday the 13th which in my twitter blog (which I know he reads) I was very clear about wanting to see it, but not having anyone to go with. And he blogs about how he went and it was a great movie.... I was so mad and now I realize he has no interest in really involving me with his social life or he is so socially illiterate that he can't seem to realize that I might like to do more things with him. In either case I'm at a dead end there too.
I am ranting here in the very long paragraphs, but this is true to form for me as to why I journal. I do this to work out my feelings on paper or in this case in blog form so I can reflect and think about my life. I feel a little better now, but closed like I want to just craw into bed and forget about the unloving world out there. This happens sometimes and I know I just have to deal with it. More on this later if anything important comes up.
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Saturday, January 10, 2009
The Manifesto
Short Personal Update:
I plan on doing this informally and in clips and phrases, rather than one decisive comprehensive piece of thought and future policy. I would also never normally take the time to do this on a Saturday night with two movies waiting to be watched from Movie Gallery, but I will remain committed to following through with the deadlines that I am imposing on myself.
So where am I now on the great issue and question of masturbation? Well first off I think it is invaluable to be able to write on this issue when I am not in the guilt phase or the horny phase, but have a clear mind and ability to process what I know and what I need to be doing. I have masturbated today, but compared to what I have been doing only earlier this week, it was a very tame and guiltless exercise of self relief and discharge needed to keep me focused on other more important things. Its best to day that I have undergone something like an amputation of my ability to see and experience whatever I please. I have added an internet filter called Pro Con to my Firefox browser that is free and very effective. I have a password I use to constantly adjust its settings, but I am proud to report that I am no longer going onto penis worship sites or the like and the longer I am away from it, the less hold these things seem to have on me. This is a true blessing and I am really happy to say that this approach seems to be working for the moment.
The deeper issue I am having at this time has to do largely with my future and if I possess the ability to become a husband. Dating is very hard work and I am very frustrated that I lack the inner desire to pursue the girls that have been put into my path. The truth be told, I know I am partly gay, or even bi-sexual, but because of my deeply rooted religious convictions, I am refusing to give into any of that and remain steadfast in either a marriage or celibacy. I pray and hope that I can get through to Jennifer and really want to spend time with her and she me, but it is so hard not being close and not being able to become intimate. I know that God has someone out there for me, I just pray that I can find her and that she would be willing to accept me for who I am as a person.
But all of this having been said, is important for a context in my present journey, but not really for the purpose I have at hand and what I have alluded to in either journal entries-the great manifesto, the final written discourse on masturbation, sex, porn, lust fetishes and all of the likes in between. I have set today as the die date for this manifesto, but I fear that it can not be done in a single day, there is too much to cover and discover in the course of life to ever really be done with such a thing, but I will try my best to take a stab at this and come up with some rough outlines of what this needs to be and what this will be used for.
Purpose and Need:
The manifesto is suppose to take a deeper look, using Scripture, prayer and other resources as determine the ultimate spiritual truths regarding my specific sexual experiences and fetishes. I think there are several valuable resources already in place on the web that I will need to look into to discover this and come to an ultimate understanding.
Resources and Methods:
The method I will use to do this project will be a simple process of reading information specific to the form of sexuality that I deal with and putting these into a Christian context. Everything needs to be backed up with scripture so that there is a true immutable understanding.
Goal:
The arrive with the truth and the application of the truth and from this an ultimate personal policy or target to aim towards for the rest of my life, or until the truth I have revealed is further revealed with deeper truths and thereby enhanced clarity.
Manifesto:
Masturbation has been called a sin by many conservative Christians, although the rub of this is that there is no place in the scriptures where this is called out specifically.
****I understand now, in a moment of clarity I think I have it, God has blessed me just now at 7:48 pm on Saturday, January 10, 2009. Not to take anything away from what I have just written, but in a flash I see the distinctions, I see where I have sinned and where the acceptability of this lies.
1) Lust is when I look at people engaged in sexual acts and I imagine being the participant of that act. This is wrong. Group sex and orgies are wrong.
2) Masturbation used to relieve stress and release is not wrong, this is done naturally or by our own abilities. We have to let out semen to function, otherwise we could cause harm to ourselves.
3) Gear can be worn as a expression of one's desired apparel. Gear as an idol or something that is elevated above God is sin. Know the difference, if the gear is more important than spiritual things, it is an idol.
4) Sexual arousal from gear is okay, if that is what it does. It should not be provoked but endured, the focus needs to not be on sexual relations with other men while in gear or otherwise.
5) Pray for God to bring about the healthy desire for women and marriage and be willing to change as God can change you.
6) Masturbation has a religious rite is wrong. Cock worship of any kind is wrong. Addictive or compulsive masturbation is wrong. Avoid these things and avoid people who glorify these things. It is better to be with the fighters than the losers who are resigned to their own destruction.
7) Constantly read the Bible, in this you will see the truth and God will reveal his character through the scriptures. Do not willing sin.
This is the revelation that has been sent to me now. If there is need to go into this more, I pray that God will lead my heart to do this and dig deeper, but I do not see the need to do this now as I feel I have what I need now to function. Praise be to God!!
I plan on doing this informally and in clips and phrases, rather than one decisive comprehensive piece of thought and future policy. I would also never normally take the time to do this on a Saturday night with two movies waiting to be watched from Movie Gallery, but I will remain committed to following through with the deadlines that I am imposing on myself.
So where am I now on the great issue and question of masturbation? Well first off I think it is invaluable to be able to write on this issue when I am not in the guilt phase or the horny phase, but have a clear mind and ability to process what I know and what I need to be doing. I have masturbated today, but compared to what I have been doing only earlier this week, it was a very tame and guiltless exercise of self relief and discharge needed to keep me focused on other more important things. Its best to day that I have undergone something like an amputation of my ability to see and experience whatever I please. I have added an internet filter called Pro Con to my Firefox browser that is free and very effective. I have a password I use to constantly adjust its settings, but I am proud to report that I am no longer going onto penis worship sites or the like and the longer I am away from it, the less hold these things seem to have on me. This is a true blessing and I am really happy to say that this approach seems to be working for the moment.
The deeper issue I am having at this time has to do largely with my future and if I possess the ability to become a husband. Dating is very hard work and I am very frustrated that I lack the inner desire to pursue the girls that have been put into my path. The truth be told, I know I am partly gay, or even bi-sexual, but because of my deeply rooted religious convictions, I am refusing to give into any of that and remain steadfast in either a marriage or celibacy. I pray and hope that I can get through to Jennifer and really want to spend time with her and she me, but it is so hard not being close and not being able to become intimate. I know that God has someone out there for me, I just pray that I can find her and that she would be willing to accept me for who I am as a person.
But all of this having been said, is important for a context in my present journey, but not really for the purpose I have at hand and what I have alluded to in either journal entries-the great manifesto, the final written discourse on masturbation, sex, porn, lust fetishes and all of the likes in between. I have set today as the die date for this manifesto, but I fear that it can not be done in a single day, there is too much to cover and discover in the course of life to ever really be done with such a thing, but I will try my best to take a stab at this and come up with some rough outlines of what this needs to be and what this will be used for.
Purpose and Need:
The manifesto is suppose to take a deeper look, using Scripture, prayer and other resources as determine the ultimate spiritual truths regarding my specific sexual experiences and fetishes. I think there are several valuable resources already in place on the web that I will need to look into to discover this and come to an ultimate understanding.
Resources and Methods:
The method I will use to do this project will be a simple process of reading information specific to the form of sexuality that I deal with and putting these into a Christian context. Everything needs to be backed up with scripture so that there is a true immutable understanding.
Goal:
The arrive with the truth and the application of the truth and from this an ultimate personal policy or target to aim towards for the rest of my life, or until the truth I have revealed is further revealed with deeper truths and thereby enhanced clarity.
Manifesto:
Masturbation has been called a sin by many conservative Christians, although the rub of this is that there is no place in the scriptures where this is called out specifically.
****I understand now, in a moment of clarity I think I have it, God has blessed me just now at 7:48 pm on Saturday, January 10, 2009. Not to take anything away from what I have just written, but in a flash I see the distinctions, I see where I have sinned and where the acceptability of this lies.
1) Lust is when I look at people engaged in sexual acts and I imagine being the participant of that act. This is wrong. Group sex and orgies are wrong.
2) Masturbation used to relieve stress and release is not wrong, this is done naturally or by our own abilities. We have to let out semen to function, otherwise we could cause harm to ourselves.
3) Gear can be worn as a expression of one's desired apparel. Gear as an idol or something that is elevated above God is sin. Know the difference, if the gear is more important than spiritual things, it is an idol.
4) Sexual arousal from gear is okay, if that is what it does. It should not be provoked but endured, the focus needs to not be on sexual relations with other men while in gear or otherwise.
5) Pray for God to bring about the healthy desire for women and marriage and be willing to change as God can change you.
6) Masturbation has a religious rite is wrong. Cock worship of any kind is wrong. Addictive or compulsive masturbation is wrong. Avoid these things and avoid people who glorify these things. It is better to be with the fighters than the losers who are resigned to their own destruction.
7) Constantly read the Bible, in this you will see the truth and God will reveal his character through the scriptures. Do not willing sin.
This is the revelation that has been sent to me now. If there is need to go into this more, I pray that God will lead my heart to do this and dig deeper, but I do not see the need to do this now as I feel I have what I need now to function. Praise be to God!!
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