So far I have completed eight sessions or days of the Doors of Hope Course from Setting Captives free.com. This is basically my next step after reading the book on my journey to overcome homosexuality and addiction to pornography. I have now come to a point in this process where I need to reevaluate where I am and what my objectives are. My issues with the course it that in order for them to be successful they must take a very ridged hard line approach to not only homosexuality, which would be obvious, but also fetishes and masturbation. When I signed up for the course my objective was not to stop all masturbation for the rest of my life. I have tried that and it did not work, my body simply needs to release every now and then apart from any thoughts I may have. It is a natural process that I personally see no harm in.
The rub comes in with my mentor who seems to think I need to take a more aggressive approach. This may be easy for him to mandate from his position, but I am pretty sure he has no idea what he is really asking me to do. That is why I need to stop for a moment and really evaluate what I think is right and go from there. I know that the point of the course and more generally of being a Christian is surrender to Christ and die to self. I agree with this, but there still needs to be discernment as to whose version of God are we surrendering to. I am sure the Mormons would have a very strict code I would need to follow if I went to them with my issues, but am I going to blindly follow their advise without checking it against scripture? I don't think so. There are so many false teachers out there, it is really scary. Just because someone says they are a Christian no longer holds any weight with me, there are so many supposed Christians who do not follow the truth or they twist it making less or even more restrictive than what God intended.
This is the crossroads that I am at right now. To what extent do I listen to what my mentor says and what is really the destination of where I need to go. In order to do this I will need to go back to my old journals and really read up on what I learned about a year ago when I was seeing Dr. Lampton. I had thought I had come to a point of validation and security, but now my position is being undermined by the precepts of this course I am taking. Therefore, more study is needed.
It is much later in the evening now, and I would like to try to work on the next day's lesson. I am not finished with this discussion and I look forward to getting a clearer direction on where I need to go in my life.
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Wednesday, July 30, 2008
Sunday, July 13, 2008
My Review of the Devil Dog Road by Mr. Mo
I know it has been some time since my last entry in this blog and I have been wanting to wait to write until I could finish this book. I believe, if my memory serves me correctly, that I did touch on this in one of my past entries. The book is very crude and at times it is hard to read not only because it had so many grammatical errors, but also because it uses offensive language and explicit sexual descriptions. At times I was not sure if the book was helping me or further encouraging me to partake in carnal pleasures.
I have now finished the book and all in all I think I am pleased. The author was able to redeem himself, but not in the way I had expected. I kept thinking the book was going to be more practical in the actual steps one should take to overcome sexual addictions. There was one suggestion that he mentioned in how in order to overcome homosexual feelings the author would place a picture of a young man in a sexual pose on his bathroom sink so he could become desensitized to it. I am not sure if that would work, but I have to say it's an interesting idea. Other than that, I think the book really focuses on attitudes and the repetition of some core assertions, such as sin is unfaithfulness and that we ought to take a both/and rather than an either/or approach when it comes to masturbation.
I did rather enjoy his references to St. Thomas Aquinas' view on masturbation being a worse sin than even incest because it wastes God's seed. Well I disagree with that view and I understand that this is a predominately Roman Catholic teaching. We must remember that the Bible has no reference to masturbation as being a sin and the story of Onan is not a reference to masturbation, anyone who says so I think is misinterpreting the passage's context. I do agree, however, that it can be addictive and I see now why it can be self destructive. The book basically says that it a self centered act. It is taking a gift from God (which in this case is basically sex) and it breaking it into the core sensation only for the purpose of self-gratification. It is, by its nature, a selfish and sexually immature response to to our natural sexual urges.
I agree with this, but was really hoping to have more guidance as to what to do about it. The book does do this to some extent, however. There is an analogy of a traveler who takes the wrong map to a city he was visiting. Try as he might he could not find the right streets when using the wrong map. It is the same way with this behavior. It is not a matter of stopping it, that is not the point. We have to look deeper than that into why we need to in the first place. One act of masturbation, when taken alone, is not a big deal. It is the pattern of objectifying our sexuality into a irresponsible and immature way that is an issue. Sex is meant to be part of a bigger act of love with a partner, an act of intimacy and sharing of bodily fluids to create a new life. The irony of the Priapus cult is that they worshiped their cocks as the creator of life, while they never actually practiced a sexual act that would succeed in doing it! They are primarily gay. They worshiped the created not the creator, as the book has so aptly drove home.
I know now how evil these sex cults can be, I have seen yet more evidence that I believe God has given to me, indicating that in Old Testament times not only was there sexual intercourse as part of the Israelites and Canaanites worship of Baal, but so was infant sacrifice! This made me sick that in a way I have been engrossed in an offshoot of this when I was enthralled with the Priapus cult. I then also made the striking parallel that Christ was sacrificed too, except he had more pain and suffering and he was just as innocent as any babe that was killed. This from God's one and only son!
So where does this leave me? I think I have a better idea what I need to do. I have known it all along, but I think I needed to read it somewhere to reaffirm these truths. I need to change my focus and seek after finding fulfillment in reading the Scriptures more and allowing the Holy Spirit to enter into me and give me such life and security. I think I will start to slowly downsize my involvement in object worship with my fetishes, which has sprung up and flourished because I am not getting sexually fulfilled through a spouse. I don't think that throwing away anything or trying to go too extreme the other way will help matters any. There just needs to be a change in focus. When I have the physical desire to spill my seed, I will do so only as a means to bring relief. I do not think God's plan for my life is to jerk off as a nasty old man looking at porno. I don't want to be that. All sin is is unbelief; unbelief that God can handle my sexual urges, so I must put them into my own hands (literally).
God knows me inside and out. Psalm 139 beautifully depicts how God has always known me. He knows what I have done, how I have done it, and the ways I go about doing it. Surely, He can understand this struggle and offer me opportunities for help, healing and recovery. The first step is letting Him in an making it possible to change me.
I am regretful my position on this may mean I will lose some friends on line, as I have built up many that are very much addicted to their fetishes as I am. I hope that I can soon find other friends that will encourage me to stay on the path that I am on and not seek to pull me away. I know that my true friends will care about me and not only care about if I am in a fetish or not. My focus is not a worldly view. It is only God whom I serve and not created things. Created things are a gift, worship He who created them and gave them to us!
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I have now finished the book and all in all I think I am pleased. The author was able to redeem himself, but not in the way I had expected. I kept thinking the book was going to be more practical in the actual steps one should take to overcome sexual addictions. There was one suggestion that he mentioned in how in order to overcome homosexual feelings the author would place a picture of a young man in a sexual pose on his bathroom sink so he could become desensitized to it. I am not sure if that would work, but I have to say it's an interesting idea. Other than that, I think the book really focuses on attitudes and the repetition of some core assertions, such as sin is unfaithfulness and that we ought to take a both/and rather than an either/or approach when it comes to masturbation.
I did rather enjoy his references to St. Thomas Aquinas' view on masturbation being a worse sin than even incest because it wastes God's seed. Well I disagree with that view and I understand that this is a predominately Roman Catholic teaching. We must remember that the Bible has no reference to masturbation as being a sin and the story of Onan is not a reference to masturbation, anyone who says so I think is misinterpreting the passage's context. I do agree, however, that it can be addictive and I see now why it can be self destructive. The book basically says that it a self centered act. It is taking a gift from God (which in this case is basically sex) and it breaking it into the core sensation only for the purpose of self-gratification. It is, by its nature, a selfish and sexually immature response to to our natural sexual urges.
I agree with this, but was really hoping to have more guidance as to what to do about it. The book does do this to some extent, however. There is an analogy of a traveler who takes the wrong map to a city he was visiting. Try as he might he could not find the right streets when using the wrong map. It is the same way with this behavior. It is not a matter of stopping it, that is not the point. We have to look deeper than that into why we need to in the first place. One act of masturbation, when taken alone, is not a big deal. It is the pattern of objectifying our sexuality into a irresponsible and immature way that is an issue. Sex is meant to be part of a bigger act of love with a partner, an act of intimacy and sharing of bodily fluids to create a new life. The irony of the Priapus cult is that they worshiped their cocks as the creator of life, while they never actually practiced a sexual act that would succeed in doing it! They are primarily gay. They worshiped the created not the creator, as the book has so aptly drove home.
I know now how evil these sex cults can be, I have seen yet more evidence that I believe God has given to me, indicating that in Old Testament times not only was there sexual intercourse as part of the Israelites and Canaanites worship of Baal, but so was infant sacrifice! This made me sick that in a way I have been engrossed in an offshoot of this when I was enthralled with the Priapus cult. I then also made the striking parallel that Christ was sacrificed too, except he had more pain and suffering and he was just as innocent as any babe that was killed. This from God's one and only son!
So where does this leave me? I think I have a better idea what I need to do. I have known it all along, but I think I needed to read it somewhere to reaffirm these truths. I need to change my focus and seek after finding fulfillment in reading the Scriptures more and allowing the Holy Spirit to enter into me and give me such life and security. I think I will start to slowly downsize my involvement in object worship with my fetishes, which has sprung up and flourished because I am not getting sexually fulfilled through a spouse. I don't think that throwing away anything or trying to go too extreme the other way will help matters any. There just needs to be a change in focus. When I have the physical desire to spill my seed, I will do so only as a means to bring relief. I do not think God's plan for my life is to jerk off as a nasty old man looking at porno. I don't want to be that. All sin is is unbelief; unbelief that God can handle my sexual urges, so I must put them into my own hands (literally).
God knows me inside and out. Psalm 139 beautifully depicts how God has always known me. He knows what I have done, how I have done it, and the ways I go about doing it. Surely, He can understand this struggle and offer me opportunities for help, healing and recovery. The first step is letting Him in an making it possible to change me.
I am regretful my position on this may mean I will lose some friends on line, as I have built up many that are very much addicted to their fetishes as I am. I hope that I can soon find other friends that will encourage me to stay on the path that I am on and not seek to pull me away. I know that my true friends will care about me and not only care about if I am in a fetish or not. My focus is not a worldly view. It is only God whom I serve and not created things. Created things are a gift, worship He who created them and gave them to us!
-----------------------------------------out------------------------------------
Tuesday, July 8, 2008
St. Priapus Church
I am continually in this spiritual struggle as I wrestle with my personal demons. I have just only masturbated again, I fear I was drawn to something much worse than even lust, something that is down right heresy against the church. Why is it that I am so prone to turn the gifts God into sin? Here is what happened. Yesterday I decided for some odd reason to check one of my Yahoo groups called OnaniaSupport2. It is basically a group that supports chronic masturbation. I joined it a few months back because I was in this crazy phase where I was into the idea of becoming addicted to masturbation. This again goes back to my desire to wear diapers as a dependency. Addiction for me is seen as a turn on because I am under its control and losing control is fun. Lose of control indicates a lose of responsibility and in that there is a weird kind of freedom to do whatever the heck I want. Sexually I perceive responsibility as being restrained and that kills my lusts for pleasure.
So today I went onto the support group to just see what was being said and whatnot. I noticed that a guy posed about St. Priapus Church. I was of course immediately intrigued to see what this was. Well it is a real church, but calling it a church is rather like calling a Clu Clux Clan an ACLU tolerance group. This group is committing such heresies and blasphemy against God I shiver to think what will happen to those who are members. It's not that they are only sinning, they are doing this is a institutionalized quasi religious fashion, creating rules that force members to over indulge in sin and becoming chronically addicted to auto eroticism. I think its similar to holding AA meeting in a bar with free drinks on the house and then being told they had to drink to continue the program. Their supposed enlightenment is a web of rules to bring about slavery to their sex drives. This sex cult requires that you wear no clothes and basically engage in homosexual group ogres and members partake in what they sacrilegiously refer to as "communion", basically eating the sacred cum of others. They rejoice at feeding their lusts for one another and their selves, grossly perverting what God intended for good for their hedonistic self worship and drunken pleasures.
Here is where I am now. I am drawn to this evil. I am. It turns me on big time. I have been horny all day since I have run across their sight, fantasying about one of their ritualistic cock worship services. Seeing that these people pay homage to the organ that brings about such release and pleasure was too much to resist. It goes against every Christian belief there is and they even admit it in their evil creed. Saying they oppose Jesus' calling lust wrong. They might as well be worshiping Satan. So what did I do? I was horny and had a hard on as soon as I walked into the door. I left the computer on to the church's website. I had already seen signs all day that this group was evil, seeing the number "666" on two different random occasions, how often does that happen? But do I heed the call God was telling me? No. I insist on reading more about this pagan cult. My imagination and fantasies are running wild. I am even given an out at the last minute, I change into some horny sweats and I get my lotions out of my bedroom and take it to the computer room to engage in masturbatory worship and then the doorbell rings. My Bible teacher is there to give me information about the Greek word for homosexuality! How random was that? I had asked him on Sunday about it and he choose to come at that exact moment, seconds before I was to enter into this.
He leaves and I feel guilty. I have to go to the bathroom, but instead of peeing the normal way I use a diaper which turns me on. I justify it as being ok because it is a diaper not homosexual sex. I return to my computer room and see it all waiting for me. The temptation is too hard to resist and I begin to jerk off while reading about the history of the cult and their practices. I cum when I read the second part of their idolatry cock prayer. I feel VERY guilty and close the site without bookmarking it and begin to reflect on this and this is where I am now.
I have a clear head now about this because I am not horny. I think the issue here is my inner most desire to be dedicated to masturbation addiction and homosexual group sex, especially getting a blow job. This group is the first I have seen that practices this in a structured manner in the same fashion as religion. A church that requires you to get blow jobs and to jerk off in their services! That makes me horny to no end. It is just the idea of that making a sacred practice of honoring God into a practices of worshiping a created gift of God, our penises and what they can do for us. It is self love to the Nth degree, it is self destructive and so clearly leads to hell if members do not repent of this lifestyle and blasphemy.
I happened to read some of Romans last night. Romans 1:24-27. "Therefore God gave them over in the sinful desires of their hearts to sexual impurity for the degrading of their bodies with one another. 25They exchanged the truth of God for a lie, and worshiped and served created things rather than the Creator—who is forever praised. Amen. 26Because of this, God gave them over to shameful lusts. Even their women exchanged natural relations for unnatural ones. 27In the same way the men also abandoned natural relations with women and were inflamed with lust for one another. Men committed indecent acts with other men, and received in themselves the due penalty for their perversion." Does that not describe this "church"? And what have I done? I have allowed once again the flames of my lusts to consume me and my penis is the center of everything, deciding what I do, controlling me rather that I it. I will pray very long about this and hope I can address the root problem as to why I am drawn to this kind of control and pleasure. I know God wants me to enjoy my body, He made it! But I need to learn, with the help of the Holy Spirit, how to satisfy my personal needs without inflaming lust and attraction to sacrilege. May God have mercy on my poor soul. I am a sinner, but I know I am coved by Grace. Praise be to God!
--------------------out---------------------------
So today I went onto the support group to just see what was being said and whatnot. I noticed that a guy posed about St. Priapus Church. I was of course immediately intrigued to see what this was. Well it is a real church, but calling it a church is rather like calling a Clu Clux Clan an ACLU tolerance group. This group is committing such heresies and blasphemy against God I shiver to think what will happen to those who are members. It's not that they are only sinning, they are doing this is a institutionalized quasi religious fashion, creating rules that force members to over indulge in sin and becoming chronically addicted to auto eroticism. I think its similar to holding AA meeting in a bar with free drinks on the house and then being told they had to drink to continue the program. Their supposed enlightenment is a web of rules to bring about slavery to their sex drives. This sex cult requires that you wear no clothes and basically engage in homosexual group ogres and members partake in what they sacrilegiously refer to as "communion", basically eating the sacred cum of others. They rejoice at feeding their lusts for one another and their selves, grossly perverting what God intended for good for their hedonistic self worship and drunken pleasures.
Here is where I am now. I am drawn to this evil. I am. It turns me on big time. I have been horny all day since I have run across their sight, fantasying about one of their ritualistic cock worship services. Seeing that these people pay homage to the organ that brings about such release and pleasure was too much to resist. It goes against every Christian belief there is and they even admit it in their evil creed. Saying they oppose Jesus' calling lust wrong. They might as well be worshiping Satan. So what did I do? I was horny and had a hard on as soon as I walked into the door. I left the computer on to the church's website. I had already seen signs all day that this group was evil, seeing the number "666" on two different random occasions, how often does that happen? But do I heed the call God was telling me? No. I insist on reading more about this pagan cult. My imagination and fantasies are running wild. I am even given an out at the last minute, I change into some horny sweats and I get my lotions out of my bedroom and take it to the computer room to engage in masturbatory worship and then the doorbell rings. My Bible teacher is there to give me information about the Greek word for homosexuality! How random was that? I had asked him on Sunday about it and he choose to come at that exact moment, seconds before I was to enter into this.
He leaves and I feel guilty. I have to go to the bathroom, but instead of peeing the normal way I use a diaper which turns me on. I justify it as being ok because it is a diaper not homosexual sex. I return to my computer room and see it all waiting for me. The temptation is too hard to resist and I begin to jerk off while reading about the history of the cult and their practices. I cum when I read the second part of their idolatry cock prayer. I feel VERY guilty and close the site without bookmarking it and begin to reflect on this and this is where I am now.
I have a clear head now about this because I am not horny. I think the issue here is my inner most desire to be dedicated to masturbation addiction and homosexual group sex, especially getting a blow job. This group is the first I have seen that practices this in a structured manner in the same fashion as religion. A church that requires you to get blow jobs and to jerk off in their services! That makes me horny to no end. It is just the idea of that making a sacred practice of honoring God into a practices of worshiping a created gift of God, our penises and what they can do for us. It is self love to the Nth degree, it is self destructive and so clearly leads to hell if members do not repent of this lifestyle and blasphemy.
I happened to read some of Romans last night. Romans 1:24-27. "Therefore God gave them over in the sinful desires of their hearts to sexual impurity for the degrading of their bodies with one another. 25They exchanged the truth of God for a lie, and worshiped and served created things rather than the Creator—who is forever praised. Amen. 26Because of this, God gave them over to shameful lusts. Even their women exchanged natural relations for unnatural ones. 27In the same way the men also abandoned natural relations with women and were inflamed with lust for one another. Men committed indecent acts with other men, and received in themselves the due penalty for their perversion." Does that not describe this "church"? And what have I done? I have allowed once again the flames of my lusts to consume me and my penis is the center of everything, deciding what I do, controlling me rather that I it. I will pray very long about this and hope I can address the root problem as to why I am drawn to this kind of control and pleasure. I know God wants me to enjoy my body, He made it! But I need to learn, with the help of the Holy Spirit, how to satisfy my personal needs without inflaming lust and attraction to sacrilege. May God have mercy on my poor soul. I am a sinner, but I know I am coved by Grace. Praise be to God!
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Saturday, July 5, 2008
Gardening day plus sweat
I have just spent the last 6 hours working on my yard, mowing, weed eating, blowing, edging, dealing with moles, weeding the flower beds, and lastly the dreadful cleaning out of the shed, which has never been done in about four years. I think it was the last task on the day of work that did me in physically. I had dust on and in me, bugs everywhere including a mouse that made me shriek twice (that was fun!). I still need to replant one of my flower pots and deal with some boxes, but not until after I take a bit of a break, which is what I am doing now.
I have been reading more of the Devil Dog Road by Mr. Mo and I must admit I had no idea books of such low literary quality could be published. It is so bad I think I will write the publisher and tell them that it needs some serious revisions. There are grammar and spelling mistakes worse than in one of my stories and this is in a published book! I know I make mistakes too, but I would have figured a decent editor would have caught these. I wondering if he even had an editor. I must admit that the poor quality makes it a little distracting to read. As far as the content, however, it seem a bit ragged but interesting. It is a book from a secular perspective. I can tell that this guy is not an Evangelical by any stretch, but that is ok. He seems to have some faith from his Catholic background and I am curious to see where his story leads and how he will ultimate fall into and overcome masturbation and pornography addictions. His story is not at all like my own, but there is a level of realism to it that I find intriguingly.
I have started the other book, but I am not as interested in that one at this point. I think I will read it when I finish the one I have now. I have masturbated again, but not at the computer, so that is a good sign. This it for now!
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I have been reading more of the Devil Dog Road by Mr. Mo and I must admit I had no idea books of such low literary quality could be published. It is so bad I think I will write the publisher and tell them that it needs some serious revisions. There are grammar and spelling mistakes worse than in one of my stories and this is in a published book! I know I make mistakes too, but I would have figured a decent editor would have caught these. I wondering if he even had an editor. I must admit that the poor quality makes it a little distracting to read. As far as the content, however, it seem a bit ragged but interesting. It is a book from a secular perspective. I can tell that this guy is not an Evangelical by any stretch, but that is ok. He seems to have some faith from his Catholic background and I am curious to see where his story leads and how he will ultimate fall into and overcome masturbation and pornography addictions. His story is not at all like my own, but there is a level of realism to it that I find intriguingly.
I have started the other book, but I am not as interested in that one at this point. I think I will read it when I finish the one I have now. I have masturbated again, but not at the computer, so that is a good sign. This it for now!
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Wednesday, July 2, 2008
Fleas!
So I have good news and bad news. The good news is that my cat is fine and the scare I had was not warranted (thanks goodness!). The bad news, as silly as this sounds, is that my house is infested with fleas. Having a cat is a blessing, but it does come with a cost. So far I have bombed my house twice and I am spraying the cat and he has flea meds and a collar. I am not sure what else I can do. I bombed the house today and already I have had two craw on me in different rooms. I need to bathe the cat I think (which he will really hate) and also do something with the carpets to eliminate this issue. Anyways that is on my mind now, as boring as that is.
Now onto some new things. I got the books yesterday and today and I have already begun reading both. I must admit that neither of them are exactly what I expected, but I do think they will be helpful. I am amazed already that after reading the book on overcoming sexual addictions and pornography I was made sort of horny by it, but not that kind that you have an instant hard on, but that lingering kind that gives you just this unrelenting urge to do it. I was on line and saw some pictures of shoes (no penises) and that also kind of got me going. I decided to let loose and jerk off while I was in my bedroom with the cat watching, very awkward!
Well the alarming thing about this session was I could not climax or cum after rubbing for a good 5 minutes. I have not cummed for about two days or so, so I should have no problem. I have noticed that my ability to do it is decreasing and has been for about the last year. I am not sure what is causing this, middle age, too much masturbation? What was even more scary, and a true confirmation of the addicted state I am in, was that I was tempted to just log back onto xtube to get that edge back so I can reach organism. Thankfully, I have not done that. I want to just keep holding back and eventually if I need to bad enough, I will ejaculate without a problem. The point is I need to start training myself to not rely on xtube or other pictures to make me organism. This is hard and rather frustrating because the videos have a power to just get the job done and are very enjoyable to watch and jerk to. I just need to break myself of that desire to see others jerk off or get sucked off.
I don't think I am nearly as far gone as some people addicted to this, so I am thankful for that. Nonetheless, I know I have a long road ahead of me as I attempt to regress my addictive progression to levels that are acceptable. Now I need to work on balancing my checking account!
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Now onto some new things. I got the books yesterday and today and I have already begun reading both. I must admit that neither of them are exactly what I expected, but I do think they will be helpful. I am amazed already that after reading the book on overcoming sexual addictions and pornography I was made sort of horny by it, but not that kind that you have an instant hard on, but that lingering kind that gives you just this unrelenting urge to do it. I was on line and saw some pictures of shoes (no penises) and that also kind of got me going. I decided to let loose and jerk off while I was in my bedroom with the cat watching, very awkward!
Well the alarming thing about this session was I could not climax or cum after rubbing for a good 5 minutes. I have not cummed for about two days or so, so I should have no problem. I have noticed that my ability to do it is decreasing and has been for about the last year. I am not sure what is causing this, middle age, too much masturbation? What was even more scary, and a true confirmation of the addicted state I am in, was that I was tempted to just log back onto xtube to get that edge back so I can reach organism. Thankfully, I have not done that. I want to just keep holding back and eventually if I need to bad enough, I will ejaculate without a problem. The point is I need to start training myself to not rely on xtube or other pictures to make me organism. This is hard and rather frustrating because the videos have a power to just get the job done and are very enjoyable to watch and jerk to. I just need to break myself of that desire to see others jerk off or get sucked off.
I don't think I am nearly as far gone as some people addicted to this, so I am thankful for that. Nonetheless, I know I have a long road ahead of me as I attempt to regress my addictive progression to levels that are acceptable. Now I need to work on balancing my checking account!
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