Now that some time has elapsed, I feel I have a bit more clarity on where I am and where I am going with my recent struggles and desires. It came to me today, as I was driving home to eat lunch, that I actually do NOT have a blasphemy fetish. I know, this is coming as sort of a surprise to me, as this is what I was calling it for a long while. I have come to this conclusion based off of stuff on the web, that has had different effects on me. I will break this all down.
I am finding that a true blasphemy fetishist is more than likely heterosexual, which I am clearly not, and more so they get off on scenes like having sex in a church, using religious objects, such as a cross, in acts of masturbation, and other similar things. This, in all truth, does not really make me hard and sort of disgusts me, particularly pictures of Jesus getting fellatio on the cross. I don't want to go against my faith as a Christian (yes, I am still one). But, and this is a very big but, that is not the end of the story, I am attracted to Satanic Masturbation, which I really don't think is the same thing as Blasphemy, per se. A true blasphemy fetishist does not invoke the name of Satan, they just like to sully the name of Christ and his followers, without any alternative belief system or instructions.
Whereas a subset of the devil movement, seems to be fixated on masturbation as a form of worship. You may ask, how is this any different than just plain jane cock worship, well I think for me, I have ascribed a certain amount of power to the devil that I simply do not have for Pan or generic cock worship. I know my cock pretty well, and I am pretty sure its not a god, no offense to the cock worshippers out there. Even if I wanted it to be a god, it just doesn't really fit into my belief system of God and the Satan, the epic battle between good and evil. I am reducing cock worship into an diluted form of satanism, even if they don't actually invoke "hail Satan". This would be the same for any kind of idol worship that is not of God, its the principal that many people follow Satan but don't realize it, its called bing of the world and worshiping its pleasures.
So, all of this is to say that the power I feel when I masturbate to Satan, is that my belief system holds that at ground zero for how deep this goes, there is no greater (more evil) force out there than the Devil. The second part of this as to why I am attracted to it is the idea that you, "Do as thou Wilt" and with that a strong emphasis, again only in some circles, on lust and masturbation. I am finding that there are many kinds of satanists, and it seems they are perpetually splitting off of other groups, for one's own self interest, regardless if they are actually sanction as part of the institutional Church of Satan. I have already fond contradictions within their own creed, with some saying to masturbate only for one kind of rite, while others say to do it daily. Anyone can start a blog (like me) and say anything they like, regardless of what others think....
In conclusion, I think there is yet another fetish out there, a "satanic masturbation fetish" I am sure it does not exit, so I am making it up now. Its for people who don't actually care a lick about changing religions, but are merely turned on by the freedom it purports and the focus on self pleasure, in particular (which, as I said is not the mainline belief). I am turned on by transformation, not static postures. I want to see the Christian convert while masturbating, in an effort to break the chains that have been put on him (in his head) that he could not masturbate in the first place. Why? Its because that is my situation. I cannot shake the idea that my faith prevents pleasure and this one allows it and encourages it. That is the power it holds over me.
I want to break that power, because when I do this, it is very hot at the time, but makes me feel awful afterwards, more than the usual way. I am right to confront this face on, to call it out for what it is, to not dance around the issue anymore. I am a wannabe satanist, but my faith in Jesus Christ will not allow me to do this for real, so then its only a matter of role playing inside the fetish, a very uncomfortable role to be playing! My hope is not to stop, if I stop it will always be out there as a temptation and that will give it more power, I want to get bored with it. I want to make this like cock worship, something that no longer interests me. I feel I am sort of there now, or at close to being there. Thanks to my friend, I was able to get onto Christinfetish.com, and it honestly bored me, was not what I thought it was, as I said, I am not a blasphemy fetishist. I think as I run out of material to masturbate to, and I continue to develop my other fetishes, this will fade away again, I hope. The only way to defeat it is to discount it as not important anymore. I pray I get there.
Monday, December 29, 2014
Sunday, December 28, 2014
Getting Deeper into Masturbation Addicition
I now regret my decision to "bate free", even though at the time it lifted a restriction, or better stated a weight from my neck in not having to remember the times and circumstances of my masturbation sessions, I now no longer have the data to show a decided uptick in my activity. I know there is one, as I have been masturbating pretty much non-stop since Christmas Eve.
Here are the details. I went home to my parents over Christmas, when its just me and them, there really is not too much for us to do, so I had a lot of free time on my hands, something I am not used to. Well one thing led to another and I sort of went on, for lack of a better term, a binge. That alone is one thing, but the second is slightly more alarming. My dark bates have NOT gone away, but rather have intensified, as a friend of mine (blog reader) is getting me more into this, not because he wants to pull me down, but rather that we have experienced the same things, and it is hot for us to encourage each other into the dark pleasures of satanic masturbation.
Even saying this gives me a shutter, of course I just came, so I am, for the time being, in my right mind and not horned up. What has happened, is I have done this so much now, that I need increasingly more intense material to get me off, even to the point where I am questioning the spirituality of what I am entering into. I am scared, but also excited at the same time. I think what allowed the dam of restraint to at last break forth was a realization that, even though its very edgy, it is still just a fetish, like all my others, the only difference is this one involves masturbation to demons with erect cocks. I know if I read these words when I was 32, when I started this blog, I would be shocked. I was shocked at myself for looking at Temple Priapus, for crying out loud, and honestly that is weak sauce now, hardly even something to concern me. I should have realized that no matter how much I fight it, I was on a journey to the dark side, Priapus lead to cock worship which basically is satanism. I think God would find it odd that I get off to masturbating to His mortal enemy. But I said a little prayer that whatever happened, I would not mean it. All it took is me watching a 5 minute Xtube video for me to cum in huge, large ropes into the air.
The reason I am writing this is one, to keep a record of this new development, but also to try to find some reason as to why this is happening to me. I know I have had these tendencies before, but over the last week,, the lid has really been blown off, I am not sure how much more deeper I will end up going. I guess the appeal is the idea of freedom from rules, and a system that rewards and encourages self pleasure, and making yourself your own God, "Do as Thou Wilt." This appeals to the sin nature that we all have whether through original sin, or learned behavior, depending on which theologian you believe regarding sin.
Let's face it, sin is pleasurable, there is no way around this. I have been trying to convince myself that there can be both, you can be a Christian and masturbate as much as you like and nothing will happen. But the issue is when the masturbation becomes your own god, or better that your cock is your own god, that clearly is a violation of "Thou shalt have no other gods before me" and "Have no idols." These are clearly sins, so where is the line? I hope I can get over this and be turned onto something more spiritually benign.
I will write more, I just needed to get this off my chest.
Here are the details. I went home to my parents over Christmas, when its just me and them, there really is not too much for us to do, so I had a lot of free time on my hands, something I am not used to. Well one thing led to another and I sort of went on, for lack of a better term, a binge. That alone is one thing, but the second is slightly more alarming. My dark bates have NOT gone away, but rather have intensified, as a friend of mine (blog reader) is getting me more into this, not because he wants to pull me down, but rather that we have experienced the same things, and it is hot for us to encourage each other into the dark pleasures of satanic masturbation.
Even saying this gives me a shutter, of course I just came, so I am, for the time being, in my right mind and not horned up. What has happened, is I have done this so much now, that I need increasingly more intense material to get me off, even to the point where I am questioning the spirituality of what I am entering into. I am scared, but also excited at the same time. I think what allowed the dam of restraint to at last break forth was a realization that, even though its very edgy, it is still just a fetish, like all my others, the only difference is this one involves masturbation to demons with erect cocks. I know if I read these words when I was 32, when I started this blog, I would be shocked. I was shocked at myself for looking at Temple Priapus, for crying out loud, and honestly that is weak sauce now, hardly even something to concern me. I should have realized that no matter how much I fight it, I was on a journey to the dark side, Priapus lead to cock worship which basically is satanism. I think God would find it odd that I get off to masturbating to His mortal enemy. But I said a little prayer that whatever happened, I would not mean it. All it took is me watching a 5 minute Xtube video for me to cum in huge, large ropes into the air.
The reason I am writing this is one, to keep a record of this new development, but also to try to find some reason as to why this is happening to me. I know I have had these tendencies before, but over the last week,, the lid has really been blown off, I am not sure how much more deeper I will end up going. I guess the appeal is the idea of freedom from rules, and a system that rewards and encourages self pleasure, and making yourself your own God, "Do as Thou Wilt." This appeals to the sin nature that we all have whether through original sin, or learned behavior, depending on which theologian you believe regarding sin.
Let's face it, sin is pleasurable, there is no way around this. I have been trying to convince myself that there can be both, you can be a Christian and masturbate as much as you like and nothing will happen. But the issue is when the masturbation becomes your own god, or better that your cock is your own god, that clearly is a violation of "Thou shalt have no other gods before me" and "Have no idols." These are clearly sins, so where is the line? I hope I can get over this and be turned onto something more spiritually benign.
I will write more, I just needed to get this off my chest.
Tuesday, December 9, 2014
Understanding My Blasphemy Fetish
I just came, and it is ever becoming more clear to me that I have a blasphemy fetish and that many of my other interests and fetishes are evolving into this dark one. Anyone who has read this blog will see the gradual progression from my first interests in Priapus to where I am now. Man, so where do I begin?
A lot has happened to me in the last 48 hours, and I hope by the end of this ordeal I emerge unscathed. It all started with a blog reader who got me thinking about this fetish, and before long I was right back there doing it, going to dark places and enjoying the pleasure it brings to cum to words and images, but curiously words have more power for some reason.
I, at last, decided, strangely, to document this dark journey by recording the best websites for this kind of thing (which I will not publish here as this is not that kind of blog--hence no pictures), when I stumbled across one particular website (again which shall remain unnamed to protect the innocent) which sought to not get me off, but help me understand what I am dealing with.
For one, I am not a satanist because I have a blasphemy fetish. I have not renounced my faith, but rather am exploring what is out there. As of this moment, I pray, I do not renounce anything, and curiously the site I was reading seemed to say that I am not fit to be given over to the devil because of my lust, as I have no spiritual desire for the dark side, it is only a sexual matter, a fetish. This gave me some relief, although not that much, knowing I have not done something to bring my soul in danger, but am close to it.
The issue, it seems, is the ability to separate my sexuality from my religion and faith, which seems to be an impossible task, but is doable. I have to see this as nothing but material to get me off, not a mortal sin, or a statement to say I'm changing sides. I didn't ask to have a blasphemy fetish, but somehow I have one now. And it really is this at the heart of what gets my juices flowing. I looked at Cock Worship, or adoration of your cock, the church of Cock, Cock is God, and all the rest, and although that seems interesting to some extent, it really is not at the heart of all of this. It is not about my cock, it is about rebellion.
At the heart of this seed is a need for a lack of control, I came up with this notion again after lunch. I know I have mentioned this before, but I do see how all of this is related to one master theme in my life. My diaper and sports fetishes, and recently dumbing down, all have a common denominator--lack of control. So what about blasphemy, how is that related to control? Well my other fetishes came around late high school/ early college, but when I was an evangelical Christian, masturbation was a hot topic. We all talked about it as a sin, something you had to avoid, had to stop, had to repress. I truly think, although I cannot know for certain, that it is the residue of this repression that has pushed me into my blas. fet. When I masturbate, I wear my fraternity hoodie, I won't name the organization, but it is a fraternity for believers. So it represents the source of much of this repression. I see repression as a form of control, so to give into an entity that encourages me to give up that control and rewards me with ultimate pleasure is a very hard thing to resist. What I am coming to realize is that I have not really interacted with a demon or the devil, I just like the idea of all of it as a sexual expression.
So what does this all mean, exactly? To be honest, I am not sure. It is not all just perfect now as I am sort of in a spiritual crossfire. Although I am not doing anything to impress satanists, I am doing things that could piss off God. I know He understands it is a fetish, but man, a fetish to get off on joining with His enemy, is not exactly what I think He has in mind for me. The suggestion this website gives is just change religions, to one tolerant of this behavior that is not Christianity or Satanism, but my issue is that is a HUGE life change, and I just can't do that, I still believe in Jesus, that He is real, that He is my Lord. I have tested my faith, and have a strong foundation I cannot just walk away from. So changing religions is not an option, nor is becoming a Satanist, obviously for the same reason. So I am left with just dealing with the fetish on its own terms and seeing, somehow, if I can reconcile this with my faith on the grounds that it is not a spiritual thing at all. I can pray before I masturbate, that whatever I look at or think about is not about the one true real God, it is just pretend, like wearing a scary mask on Halloween.
I don't know if that is insane to ask for or not, but I just cannot leave my church family over this fetish, it is not that important to me. I will continue to struggle with this in the short term until, hopefully, I start to focus on something else, like dumbing down fetish (which is impossible to find anything on except warpmymind, and even the file I liked is gone now :( ) As always, thanks for reading me ramble on, I will post more when I have more clarity on this turn of events.
A lot has happened to me in the last 48 hours, and I hope by the end of this ordeal I emerge unscathed. It all started with a blog reader who got me thinking about this fetish, and before long I was right back there doing it, going to dark places and enjoying the pleasure it brings to cum to words and images, but curiously words have more power for some reason.
I, at last, decided, strangely, to document this dark journey by recording the best websites for this kind of thing (which I will not publish here as this is not that kind of blog--hence no pictures), when I stumbled across one particular website (again which shall remain unnamed to protect the innocent) which sought to not get me off, but help me understand what I am dealing with.
For one, I am not a satanist because I have a blasphemy fetish. I have not renounced my faith, but rather am exploring what is out there. As of this moment, I pray, I do not renounce anything, and curiously the site I was reading seemed to say that I am not fit to be given over to the devil because of my lust, as I have no spiritual desire for the dark side, it is only a sexual matter, a fetish. This gave me some relief, although not that much, knowing I have not done something to bring my soul in danger, but am close to it.
The issue, it seems, is the ability to separate my sexuality from my religion and faith, which seems to be an impossible task, but is doable. I have to see this as nothing but material to get me off, not a mortal sin, or a statement to say I'm changing sides. I didn't ask to have a blasphemy fetish, but somehow I have one now. And it really is this at the heart of what gets my juices flowing. I looked at Cock Worship, or adoration of your cock, the church of Cock, Cock is God, and all the rest, and although that seems interesting to some extent, it really is not at the heart of all of this. It is not about my cock, it is about rebellion.
At the heart of this seed is a need for a lack of control, I came up with this notion again after lunch. I know I have mentioned this before, but I do see how all of this is related to one master theme in my life. My diaper and sports fetishes, and recently dumbing down, all have a common denominator--lack of control. So what about blasphemy, how is that related to control? Well my other fetishes came around late high school/ early college, but when I was an evangelical Christian, masturbation was a hot topic. We all talked about it as a sin, something you had to avoid, had to stop, had to repress. I truly think, although I cannot know for certain, that it is the residue of this repression that has pushed me into my blas. fet. When I masturbate, I wear my fraternity hoodie, I won't name the organization, but it is a fraternity for believers. So it represents the source of much of this repression. I see repression as a form of control, so to give into an entity that encourages me to give up that control and rewards me with ultimate pleasure is a very hard thing to resist. What I am coming to realize is that I have not really interacted with a demon or the devil, I just like the idea of all of it as a sexual expression.
So what does this all mean, exactly? To be honest, I am not sure. It is not all just perfect now as I am sort of in a spiritual crossfire. Although I am not doing anything to impress satanists, I am doing things that could piss off God. I know He understands it is a fetish, but man, a fetish to get off on joining with His enemy, is not exactly what I think He has in mind for me. The suggestion this website gives is just change religions, to one tolerant of this behavior that is not Christianity or Satanism, but my issue is that is a HUGE life change, and I just can't do that, I still believe in Jesus, that He is real, that He is my Lord. I have tested my faith, and have a strong foundation I cannot just walk away from. So changing religions is not an option, nor is becoming a Satanist, obviously for the same reason. So I am left with just dealing with the fetish on its own terms and seeing, somehow, if I can reconcile this with my faith on the grounds that it is not a spiritual thing at all. I can pray before I masturbate, that whatever I look at or think about is not about the one true real God, it is just pretend, like wearing a scary mask on Halloween.
I don't know if that is insane to ask for or not, but I just cannot leave my church family over this fetish, it is not that important to me. I will continue to struggle with this in the short term until, hopefully, I start to focus on something else, like dumbing down fetish (which is impossible to find anything on except warpmymind, and even the file I liked is gone now :( ) As always, thanks for reading me ramble on, I will post more when I have more clarity on this turn of events.
Saturday, December 6, 2014
Clarification on Infantilism
Ok, I think its important that I clear up something for all my readers who may be confused about my fetishes. I have mentioned on more than one occasion, that I have an ABDL fetish, which stands for adult baby/ diaper lover. I know that the ABDL community has worked very hard over the years, as this fetish is becoming more widely known, to announce that this has ABSOLUTELY NOTHING to do with real children. I had a conversation with one of my blog readers who somehow had it in his head that I am into Pedo., because I have a diaper fetish. It must be understood, by those who do not understand this, that the fetish is about ADULTS, over 18, who are turned on by the idea of becoming a baby, and--in particular--wearing and using diapers. The diaper side is a from the desire to loose control of yourself, so you want to regress, to become like a baby or toddler. And in my case, to become dumb, which, last I checked, was not illegal. It simply has nothing to do with wanting to see children in some horrific act--this is wrong and is ILLEGAL, I will have nothing to do with it in any way, shape or form, and I hope everyone behind the staging of such material is caught and put in prison, where they belong.
That is all I have to say, I am kinda worked up about this and will post something new when I am calmed. My dark bate desires have passed for the time being, as expected, let's hope it stays that way.
That is all I have to say, I am kinda worked up about this and will post something new when I am calmed. My dark bate desires have passed for the time being, as expected, let's hope it stays that way.
Monday, November 24, 2014
Dark Bate
Well, the first thing you'll notice with this very overdue blog post is that I do not have my bate rate listed. About a month ago, I decided to stop tracking my sessions, which was a huge polar shift for me since I have done it for years. I made a poll on a certain masturbation website asking if people would be willing to join a group so we could all track...I thought there would be a lot of interest, and while there was some, the overwhelming response was, "what's the point", "that's too much work", "masturbation is not supposed to be about work, or doing anything". That got me thinking, maybe it is a silly idea to track and spend so much time seeing how much I bate and where I am. What will it really gain me to know I am at .86 or .68? I will just do it when I feel like it anyways, right? No point in forcing pleasure if I don't want to, but as you will see that is the least of my worries right now.
If you are curious, my rate is about the same, although this last week my intensity and frequency has gone up because I have gotten back into something I don't think is a good idea; I call it dark bate. It's very intense, hot and gets me going, but I really think it's a sin. I have met a friend, through this blog, that has gotten me into this, and I have pushed him as well, so we are kinda in this together, and it has gotten to a point where I really need to take a step back and take stock at what is happening, and what needs to happen as I proceed forward.
First off, my other fetishes seem to be fading, for the time being, with this new fetish, which is considered blasphemy fetish. Basically, I am getting off on the idea that pleasure = evil, and that these sites encourages you to seek out as much pleasure, in whatever form possible, so basic hedonism. I think this comes from about a 5 to six year period when I thought all masturbation was sin, and did everything in my power to stop it, so in short religion stopped the pleasure. Now, the pleasure I am getting from this is so intense, and the deeper I go with it, the more it seems to be taking hold, the more I am jerking off and the more I need to jerk off, so the addiction is getting stronger. When I am in it, I want to be encouraged to go deeper, get more addicted, look at more blasphemy to make me hard.
I am of the mind, right now, to just let this thing take its course, not to fight it, but allow it to not be so "bad" and take away its power. By fighting it, it just becomes forbidden fruit that is all the more desirable, thus causing me to fall more deeper into the weeds. Also, for one, I know that pleasure does not = sin or evil, but these demon lust sites, satanism in general, want you to think that it is, that is how they get their power, they want you to think anything fun and pleasurable is what satan wants and the opposite is what God wants. This is a lie. So the goal is to somehow translate this truth to my internal self, to my sexuality so I am not turned on by this. I can't just pretend that it is okay to go to these sites, not because masturbation is wrong, but because they are spouting out blasphemy against God, and that is not okay.
I wish there was more I could say about this, but I am in the middle of this struggle and its hard to gain proper perspective on this when you are in the midst of it, I will write more soon when I have more clarity.
If you are curious, my rate is about the same, although this last week my intensity and frequency has gone up because I have gotten back into something I don't think is a good idea; I call it dark bate. It's very intense, hot and gets me going, but I really think it's a sin. I have met a friend, through this blog, that has gotten me into this, and I have pushed him as well, so we are kinda in this together, and it has gotten to a point where I really need to take a step back and take stock at what is happening, and what needs to happen as I proceed forward.
First off, my other fetishes seem to be fading, for the time being, with this new fetish, which is considered blasphemy fetish. Basically, I am getting off on the idea that pleasure = evil, and that these sites encourages you to seek out as much pleasure, in whatever form possible, so basic hedonism. I think this comes from about a 5 to six year period when I thought all masturbation was sin, and did everything in my power to stop it, so in short religion stopped the pleasure. Now, the pleasure I am getting from this is so intense, and the deeper I go with it, the more it seems to be taking hold, the more I am jerking off and the more I need to jerk off, so the addiction is getting stronger. When I am in it, I want to be encouraged to go deeper, get more addicted, look at more blasphemy to make me hard.
I am of the mind, right now, to just let this thing take its course, not to fight it, but allow it to not be so "bad" and take away its power. By fighting it, it just becomes forbidden fruit that is all the more desirable, thus causing me to fall more deeper into the weeds. Also, for one, I know that pleasure does not = sin or evil, but these demon lust sites, satanism in general, want you to think that it is, that is how they get their power, they want you to think anything fun and pleasurable is what satan wants and the opposite is what God wants. This is a lie. So the goal is to somehow translate this truth to my internal self, to my sexuality so I am not turned on by this. I can't just pretend that it is okay to go to these sites, not because masturbation is wrong, but because they are spouting out blasphemy against God, and that is not okay.
I wish there was more I could say about this, but I am in the middle of this struggle and its hard to gain proper perspective on this when you are in the midst of it, I will write more soon when I have more clarity.
Sunday, July 27, 2014
Letting the Bomb Drop
BR .6818
Well last night was very interesting and disturbing. I don't often post about particular events in this blog, as you know if you read this blog, I don't consider this a "diary". I often think about why I do blog at all, all this information is so personal, so private, and I am sharing it with strangers across the internet - but just about no one really knows who I am, and it is that anonymity that makes this medium possible.
That was a very long preface to set up what is really on my mind. I am sure at some point in this blog I have mentioned that I am ABDL. Anyways, my new girlfriend and I were talking and we were discussing how we would get on in the bedroom, in that how she could use some of my fetishes to reach me sexually. Well, being who I am, and having a few drinks in me, I let it slip that I have this other fetish (that I had not told her about yet, and was planning to tell her much later on in the relationship). I did all I could to divert the conversation, but she said I cannot say that and not follow through with what it was, she would be ever wondering, and would not drop it...this went on for a few minutes until I relented (against my best judgement) and told her about it.
It did not go well. She seemed to have accepted my other fetishes without any issue, but this one was harder, stranger, and she kept linking it with peodofila (intentionally misspelled), which is NOT what this is about in the least, I cannot underscore that point more. Well, the upshot of all of this is that I feel awful, not so much for being an DL, but more for her reaction to it. I have worked for so many years reading on line, joining the community, to finally come to a point that this is acceptable, if done purely for its own sake. Hell, I even went to a therapist about it! And he was okay with it too. I also came to an acceptance, that there is no sin involved, but all of that seems to be little solace to me now. She is also the first person in my life who has reacted this way, I have told two others, and their reaction was far more agreeable, I chalk that up to maturity and the depth of our friendship. I have only known this person for 8 weeks and now she knows just about everything there is to know about me, save for a few details in the fetishes, and she does not know about the dark fetishes (blasphemy), which I am doing a lot to stop.
So in the reaction she had, it transferred to me in making me feel bad, I could not sleep, kept tossing and turning, having that deep uncertain feeling that all is lost. She told me that she was not going to break up with me over this, but if we were ever to be together I would have to stop messing around with all that stuff. That is a tall order considering I have been messing around with this stuff in some form or the other since I was 15! Now I have not really been doing stuff with it recently, in fact it really is one of my minor fetishes, but to do away with it altogether would be hard for me, and honestly unfair. It is harming no one and just because she can't handle it, is not really my problem, is it? I felt (as you can see in my last blog entry) that I have already sacrificed a lot to be with her in that she is not my ideal match, but I am willing to look past those things to be with her and build a relationship. I am contemplating posting something about this on line on a site frequented by some in the community to see what their feedback would be. The main thing I have learned is be damn careful what you say, what you allude to! I already messed up twice in the last few days by saying things that have gotten me in hot water with her, it will not happen again!! Relationships are hard!!
Well last night was very interesting and disturbing. I don't often post about particular events in this blog, as you know if you read this blog, I don't consider this a "diary". I often think about why I do blog at all, all this information is so personal, so private, and I am sharing it with strangers across the internet - but just about no one really knows who I am, and it is that anonymity that makes this medium possible.
That was a very long preface to set up what is really on my mind. I am sure at some point in this blog I have mentioned that I am ABDL. Anyways, my new girlfriend and I were talking and we were discussing how we would get on in the bedroom, in that how she could use some of my fetishes to reach me sexually. Well, being who I am, and having a few drinks in me, I let it slip that I have this other fetish (that I had not told her about yet, and was planning to tell her much later on in the relationship). I did all I could to divert the conversation, but she said I cannot say that and not follow through with what it was, she would be ever wondering, and would not drop it...this went on for a few minutes until I relented (against my best judgement) and told her about it.
It did not go well. She seemed to have accepted my other fetishes without any issue, but this one was harder, stranger, and she kept linking it with peodofila (intentionally misspelled), which is NOT what this is about in the least, I cannot underscore that point more. Well, the upshot of all of this is that I feel awful, not so much for being an DL, but more for her reaction to it. I have worked for so many years reading on line, joining the community, to finally come to a point that this is acceptable, if done purely for its own sake. Hell, I even went to a therapist about it! And he was okay with it too. I also came to an acceptance, that there is no sin involved, but all of that seems to be little solace to me now. She is also the first person in my life who has reacted this way, I have told two others, and their reaction was far more agreeable, I chalk that up to maturity and the depth of our friendship. I have only known this person for 8 weeks and now she knows just about everything there is to know about me, save for a few details in the fetishes, and she does not know about the dark fetishes (blasphemy), which I am doing a lot to stop.
So in the reaction she had, it transferred to me in making me feel bad, I could not sleep, kept tossing and turning, having that deep uncertain feeling that all is lost. She told me that she was not going to break up with me over this, but if we were ever to be together I would have to stop messing around with all that stuff. That is a tall order considering I have been messing around with this stuff in some form or the other since I was 15! Now I have not really been doing stuff with it recently, in fact it really is one of my minor fetishes, but to do away with it altogether would be hard for me, and honestly unfair. It is harming no one and just because she can't handle it, is not really my problem, is it? I felt (as you can see in my last blog entry) that I have already sacrificed a lot to be with her in that she is not my ideal match, but I am willing to look past those things to be with her and build a relationship. I am contemplating posting something about this on line on a site frequented by some in the community to see what their feedback would be. The main thing I have learned is be damn careful what you say, what you allude to! I already messed up twice in the last few days by saying things that have gotten me in hot water with her, it will not happen again!! Relationships are hard!!
Sunday, June 29, 2014
Much Change and Much to Think About
BR 0.6400
Well it is three months later now, man has the spring past by fast! And I am sad to see that I have not done well in keeping up with this blog. I have been meaning for a long time to get back to writing and parsing out my thoughts so I can analyze my future. So on the masturbation front, I have lost ground, just look at my score, in the 60 percentile. So far only 115 times and today is reckoned as the 179th day of the year (I don't count January 1 as day one as it is not a full day--24 hours--until January 2). Anyways, back in March, I was in the 80th percentile. So why the slowdown? I will tell you, one very simple reason: GIRLFRIEND! Duh duh duh!!!
Yes, it's true. I have a real, living breathing, girlfriend and she has sapped my sex drive. Well, that is not 100% true, I was slowing down before she came around, but until recently, I have stopped masturbating as much. Why, you ask? Well, it's simple. I, as a gay/ bi-sexual man-- have thought I could really go either way, so when she came around, we have not had sex, I thought I would focus my attentions on her and as a result, I have not done so for myself. Why am I with a woman and not a man? Well, I don't think I am 100% gay, in fact I know I am not, I have seen that in various encounters I have had, so I thought, since I really lack experience with women, that I wold give it a shot and see how it goes. I met her on line, one of those dating sites, and she was the only one to respond to me.
She and I actually talked about the masturbation issue recently, and she pretty much gave me permission to continue looking at porn and doing my thing, which I have done so with pleasure. But all of our issues are by no means resolved, and boy do we have issues. I am with her because for the first time in a long time, I have found someone, who I know for a fact, likes me....a lot. That says something, you know that she is not playing games, she is not just wanting to be your "friend", so I have not let this one go. She is sweet, she is funny and I do really enjoy her company, but as I have been saying to everyone I talk to about her, that this has been a huge adjustment for me. She is from a different background, and taking that with a smattering of other issues, I think it unlikely we last. But what can I do? I can't just dump her because I have a few reservations, can I? I think in time, she will come to understand that we will ultimately not be that happy together as a couple, but I don't want that time to happen just yet. I think if it does happen, it will be a mutual agreement, and if it doesn't, well there just won't be an engagement party anytime soon, but who knows, I may change my views on this.
So I hold onto here because I want to see what it's really like to have a girlfriend, to be in a relationship, and who knows, maybe all of these issues we are having will melt away and the things that annoy the hell out of me about her will be less important and there will be hope. What I am focusing on is living through the moment, not hyper-analyzing everything and projecting needlessly into the future, for a future that is increasingly uncertain. So am I wasting my time? I don't think so because with this girl I am learning what I can do, what can turn me on from a woman, and for the next round I will be far more selective for what I want because I will know.
I will ensure she will never read these words, as she does not know about this blog and my last name is not listed on purpose, so I will touch on the main issues: 1) Lack of education and questionable intelligence. She can learn, but her reading level is very low, spelling atrocious, vocabulary at a 7th or 8th grade level, at best, and I am afraid it may be too late for her improve. She has never been to college, I have a Masters. 2) Lack of career. She does not work in a job I would consider "titled". 3) Zero physical attraction, save that I like the look of her face and eyes, but her bottom half disgusts me. 4) Family is a bit sketchy, a lot of divorces and kids out of wedlock, people living together and not married, that kind of thing. The family feels provincial, but the jury is still out on that, besides I am not dating her family, just her. 5) Faith traditions totally different, will be a challenge. 6) She is a tad clingy, but I caulk that up to me being and introvert, not really an issue for her more on my end. 7) Lack of financial skills, not organized, etc. Seems to be a bit ditzy, if you know what I mean.
So why do I hold on? Well someone told me that opposites do attract, and if we married someone exactly like us, we would hate ourselves, so there may be wisdom there. I like having girlfriend, I like that she likes me, I like that she is so in love with me that she is willing to change. She also has a child, from another marriage, so I think that is special, so I think there is hope on some level. I don't know, I hope I am not too gay that this will never work, but that is over analyzing again! I will keep you posted on the developments, for now I just like to keep her around as long as I can.
Well it is three months later now, man has the spring past by fast! And I am sad to see that I have not done well in keeping up with this blog. I have been meaning for a long time to get back to writing and parsing out my thoughts so I can analyze my future. So on the masturbation front, I have lost ground, just look at my score, in the 60 percentile. So far only 115 times and today is reckoned as the 179th day of the year (I don't count January 1 as day one as it is not a full day--24 hours--until January 2). Anyways, back in March, I was in the 80th percentile. So why the slowdown? I will tell you, one very simple reason: GIRLFRIEND! Duh duh duh!!!
Yes, it's true. I have a real, living breathing, girlfriend and she has sapped my sex drive. Well, that is not 100% true, I was slowing down before she came around, but until recently, I have stopped masturbating as much. Why, you ask? Well, it's simple. I, as a gay/ bi-sexual man-- have thought I could really go either way, so when she came around, we have not had sex, I thought I would focus my attentions on her and as a result, I have not done so for myself. Why am I with a woman and not a man? Well, I don't think I am 100% gay, in fact I know I am not, I have seen that in various encounters I have had, so I thought, since I really lack experience with women, that I wold give it a shot and see how it goes. I met her on line, one of those dating sites, and she was the only one to respond to me.
She and I actually talked about the masturbation issue recently, and she pretty much gave me permission to continue looking at porn and doing my thing, which I have done so with pleasure. But all of our issues are by no means resolved, and boy do we have issues. I am with her because for the first time in a long time, I have found someone, who I know for a fact, likes me....a lot. That says something, you know that she is not playing games, she is not just wanting to be your "friend", so I have not let this one go. She is sweet, she is funny and I do really enjoy her company, but as I have been saying to everyone I talk to about her, that this has been a huge adjustment for me. She is from a different background, and taking that with a smattering of other issues, I think it unlikely we last. But what can I do? I can't just dump her because I have a few reservations, can I? I think in time, she will come to understand that we will ultimately not be that happy together as a couple, but I don't want that time to happen just yet. I think if it does happen, it will be a mutual agreement, and if it doesn't, well there just won't be an engagement party anytime soon, but who knows, I may change my views on this.
So I hold onto here because I want to see what it's really like to have a girlfriend, to be in a relationship, and who knows, maybe all of these issues we are having will melt away and the things that annoy the hell out of me about her will be less important and there will be hope. What I am focusing on is living through the moment, not hyper-analyzing everything and projecting needlessly into the future, for a future that is increasingly uncertain. So am I wasting my time? I don't think so because with this girl I am learning what I can do, what can turn me on from a woman, and for the next round I will be far more selective for what I want because I will know.
I will ensure she will never read these words, as she does not know about this blog and my last name is not listed on purpose, so I will touch on the main issues: 1) Lack of education and questionable intelligence. She can learn, but her reading level is very low, spelling atrocious, vocabulary at a 7th or 8th grade level, at best, and I am afraid it may be too late for her improve. She has never been to college, I have a Masters. 2) Lack of career. She does not work in a job I would consider "titled". 3) Zero physical attraction, save that I like the look of her face and eyes, but her bottom half disgusts me. 4) Family is a bit sketchy, a lot of divorces and kids out of wedlock, people living together and not married, that kind of thing. The family feels provincial, but the jury is still out on that, besides I am not dating her family, just her. 5) Faith traditions totally different, will be a challenge. 6) She is a tad clingy, but I caulk that up to me being and introvert, not really an issue for her more on my end. 7) Lack of financial skills, not organized, etc. Seems to be a bit ditzy, if you know what I mean.
So why do I hold on? Well someone told me that opposites do attract, and if we married someone exactly like us, we would hate ourselves, so there may be wisdom there. I like having girlfriend, I like that she likes me, I like that she is so in love with me that she is willing to change. She also has a child, from another marriage, so I think that is special, so I think there is hope on some level. I don't know, I hope I am not too gay that this will never work, but that is over analyzing again! I will keep you posted on the developments, for now I just like to keep her around as long as I can.
Friday, March 14, 2014
Masturbation Is Holy
0.8213
It came to me, after reading a blog somewhere, I think Cerrunnos Circle, that Christianity has got masturbation and sex all wrong. Somehow, over the centuries of misinterpretation of the Bible, Christians have come to believe that anything related to sex as being taboo, sinful and evil. Nothing can be further from the truth. Ejaculation is a holy act, the act of creation. When we climax, we are encountering the devine, it is really like a prayer of sort. It is a holy act, one that honors the body that God created, one that honors His workmanship, and we should honor him and the spirit who dwells in us by using it! By not using it, our bodies are not being used to its full potential, its like sitting in a car a awesome sports car, and not revving up the engine, just sitting in it, not moving. In the psalms it says that God will satisfy the needs of the faithful. I now believe by doing this, we are being loved by God and He is fulling our needs. Those who think you have to choose have it wrong, those who call it a sin force those who would not otherwise leave the faith, feel forced to choose and leave, its all wrong. You don't have to be an ex-christian or non-christian to be devoted to cock. In fact I think by masturbating we are becoming better follows of Christ.
So what I put out yesterday--in frustration--was pitting one thing against the other God or Pleasure, and that is wrong. Those out there who feel that they have to give up being a Christian, the santanists and the like don't get it. They think that is one or the other, but that simply is not true, my choice is not to choose. There is nothing wrong with masturbation, it should be encouraged, it should happen often, and there is nothing more perfect to draw us closer to God as we are experiencing life as he created it for us. I'd like to write more, but need to get my batting average up! ;) More on this thought later.
It came to me, after reading a blog somewhere, I think Cerrunnos Circle, that Christianity has got masturbation and sex all wrong. Somehow, over the centuries of misinterpretation of the Bible, Christians have come to believe that anything related to sex as being taboo, sinful and evil. Nothing can be further from the truth. Ejaculation is a holy act, the act of creation. When we climax, we are encountering the devine, it is really like a prayer of sort. It is a holy act, one that honors the body that God created, one that honors His workmanship, and we should honor him and the spirit who dwells in us by using it! By not using it, our bodies are not being used to its full potential, its like sitting in a car a awesome sports car, and not revving up the engine, just sitting in it, not moving. In the psalms it says that God will satisfy the needs of the faithful. I now believe by doing this, we are being loved by God and He is fulling our needs. Those who think you have to choose have it wrong, those who call it a sin force those who would not otherwise leave the faith, feel forced to choose and leave, its all wrong. You don't have to be an ex-christian or non-christian to be devoted to cock. In fact I think by masturbating we are becoming better follows of Christ.
So what I put out yesterday--in frustration--was pitting one thing against the other God or Pleasure, and that is wrong. Those out there who feel that they have to give up being a Christian, the santanists and the like don't get it. They think that is one or the other, but that simply is not true, my choice is not to choose. There is nothing wrong with masturbation, it should be encouraged, it should happen often, and there is nothing more perfect to draw us closer to God as we are experiencing life as he created it for us. I'd like to write more, but need to get my batting average up! ;) More on this thought later.
Wednesday, March 12, 2014
More Thoughts about Masturbation and Cock Worship
0.8044
So last night I actually said the words, "I devote myself to cock." This is a huge new step for me, as it really pits my faith in direct conflict with devotion to cock worship and masturbation as a lifetime goal. I am still struggling with this, so much so that this morning I decided to call off the lenten challenge, as it was putting way too much focus on masturbation when the goal was really to not cum unless it was a Sunday. I ofcourse recanted my earlier statement as something I said in the heat of lust and the moment. But things like this are increasingly happening.
It curious to me why this is so. Why me, who have so many fetishes and places I can go to, why am I so drawn to the idea of making my masturbation into a new religion? Into something that replaces God? As I thought about this today, it came to me that my faith is the only thing that is really stopping me from going into this all they way, to the point where it is not moral standards holding me back, but practical ones, eating, sleeping, job, keeping up appearances, but in my private life, my devotion is to cock. It also occurred to me that giving control over to your penis is in the same way of losing control. Control of mind: Getting Dumb; Control of bladder: Diapers; Control of Faith: Cock Worship. Its all the same thing, just different variations on the theme of losing control, losing the things that hold you back from entering into ultimate pleasure and satisfaction. I keep telling myself, that I don't need that for satisfaction, for pleasure, but this is like a drug and masturbation is psychological. My penis only wants pleasure, and anything that stops that pleasure is to be replaced. I have given myself over to unguilty frequent masturbation as a way of life, now this is the next step in my journey, this is why I am so attracted to this, its the doorway, the final doorway into ultimate pleasure.
I find myself drawn to the same blogs again and again, seeking in vain for new material to feed this new desire of making my penis my new god. When searches don't turn up what I am looking for I keep telling myself that there is nothing out there, but I can't believe that, my ID, my desire keeps searching, searching for a temple of cock that I can secretly watch, partake in their dark pleasurable rituals, but only secretly, and only at a distance, because I can't do this all the way, I can't actually say I am no longer a Christian and now am a cock worshipper. I might as well say I am a devil worshipper, they seem to be very close.
So where does this all lead to now? I think in the coming days and months I will continue to use this blog as the title says, to figure it all out, for me. Who knows, maybe I will be a cock worshipper for a little while, try it out, see how it feels to abandon all to my cock, to masturbate as much as possible, to devote all my time to porn and masturbation and not allow myself to stop from seeking out my darkest pleasures--but that will have a cost, this does not happen without consequence. And that is real. I would have to give up part of who I am, part of who I portray to the world. I am not likely to stop attending church, the only thread that keeps me spiritually alive, I have too many connections, my church is my family, my friends, my world. But if I was taken out of this world and put into another, I am convinced, given enough time and intoxication, I would succumb to it all, because there would be no immediate consequences to it.....BUT and this is another important "but" in my ramblings, would I truly be happy, knowing God is no longer in my life, that I shut his light out for pleasure, something temporary, something that will not last, something that could lead to eternal damnation. Its like being addicted to heroine, sooner or later it will kill you, this would do the same, it would kill me spiritually. Its a slippery slope and I am right at the precipice, looking down, wanting to taste it, but knowing if I fall, I may never get back up again.
More later.
So last night I actually said the words, "I devote myself to cock." This is a huge new step for me, as it really pits my faith in direct conflict with devotion to cock worship and masturbation as a lifetime goal. I am still struggling with this, so much so that this morning I decided to call off the lenten challenge, as it was putting way too much focus on masturbation when the goal was really to not cum unless it was a Sunday. I ofcourse recanted my earlier statement as something I said in the heat of lust and the moment. But things like this are increasingly happening.
It curious to me why this is so. Why me, who have so many fetishes and places I can go to, why am I so drawn to the idea of making my masturbation into a new religion? Into something that replaces God? As I thought about this today, it came to me that my faith is the only thing that is really stopping me from going into this all they way, to the point where it is not moral standards holding me back, but practical ones, eating, sleeping, job, keeping up appearances, but in my private life, my devotion is to cock. It also occurred to me that giving control over to your penis is in the same way of losing control. Control of mind: Getting Dumb; Control of bladder: Diapers; Control of Faith: Cock Worship. Its all the same thing, just different variations on the theme of losing control, losing the things that hold you back from entering into ultimate pleasure and satisfaction. I keep telling myself, that I don't need that for satisfaction, for pleasure, but this is like a drug and masturbation is psychological. My penis only wants pleasure, and anything that stops that pleasure is to be replaced. I have given myself over to unguilty frequent masturbation as a way of life, now this is the next step in my journey, this is why I am so attracted to this, its the doorway, the final doorway into ultimate pleasure.
I find myself drawn to the same blogs again and again, seeking in vain for new material to feed this new desire of making my penis my new god. When searches don't turn up what I am looking for I keep telling myself that there is nothing out there, but I can't believe that, my ID, my desire keeps searching, searching for a temple of cock that I can secretly watch, partake in their dark pleasurable rituals, but only secretly, and only at a distance, because I can't do this all the way, I can't actually say I am no longer a Christian and now am a cock worshipper. I might as well say I am a devil worshipper, they seem to be very close.
So where does this all lead to now? I think in the coming days and months I will continue to use this blog as the title says, to figure it all out, for me. Who knows, maybe I will be a cock worshipper for a little while, try it out, see how it feels to abandon all to my cock, to masturbate as much as possible, to devote all my time to porn and masturbation and not allow myself to stop from seeking out my darkest pleasures--but that will have a cost, this does not happen without consequence. And that is real. I would have to give up part of who I am, part of who I portray to the world. I am not likely to stop attending church, the only thread that keeps me spiritually alive, I have too many connections, my church is my family, my friends, my world. But if I was taken out of this world and put into another, I am convinced, given enough time and intoxication, I would succumb to it all, because there would be no immediate consequences to it.....BUT and this is another important "but" in my ramblings, would I truly be happy, knowing God is no longer in my life, that I shut his light out for pleasure, something temporary, something that will not last, something that could lead to eternal damnation. Its like being addicted to heroine, sooner or later it will kill you, this would do the same, it would kill me spiritually. Its a slippery slope and I am right at the precipice, looking down, wanting to taste it, but knowing if I fall, I may never get back up again.
More later.
Saturday, March 8, 2014
Cock Worship - A Tough Crossroads
BR. 0.7956
Well today is day three of my experiment with masturbation everyday without climax or orgasm. I have to say, so far it has gone very well, and I am enjoying this, the need to climax grows each day and with each session. Today, I masturbated more than I usually do, which is why my rate is rising. I think that my lack of climax has allowed me to delve a little deeper into my fetishes and really think more and more about them, as the desire to beat off is always there.
I have spent some time on bateworld today and that site has really encouraged me to get into this more, but I am increasingly finding myself on the the edge (no pun intended) of how far I can take this and still claim that I am a God fearing Christian. While I was getting off this afternoon, reading some of the blogs, I read that some of the most devoted addicted masturbators were once like me, men of faith, but they had abandoned their beliefs to devote themselves totally to cock worship, in that cock has become their new God and masturbation their worship of it. It makes sense, really, masturbation reaps its own immediate rewards, and there really is a pull or temptation to just give into it, as they promise so many pleasures from that, that it will be even better once I give in, and what I mean by give in, is to hold nothing back, not faith, not job, relationship, responsibilities, nothing. That all energies goes to worshipping my cock and in that I will goon out and become so happy in the process, or as I have read.
I know no one really responds to my posts, at least not directly, not for a long time, so I really can't poll people out there as to the real downside to this. I want to know the costs. I think I know them already, but wold love to talk to someone who has been down this road and can reflect objectively. Maybe such a person does not exist, I don't know. But I just can't fully jump into cock worship as much as I want to, not without still being a committed Christian. I just wish it wasn't one extreme or the other. the all or nothing approach. I mean, why does there have to be a choice at all? Why can't I be a Christian masturbator? What is hard, and this is a big one, is learning how to not make this into a false god, an idol. If I call myself a Christian, than there are certain limitations as to what I can do, and the big one is I can't call my cock a God, whether it suits me or not. That is just some false religion that formally religious people have made up to replace their former devotions, upon turning into their desires fully without inhibition. I suppose these people have no fear of hell, or simply have become complete atheists. There is no God, so masturbate up and have a good time! My problem is I don't believe that.
As I write these words, it is becoming clearer to me. That is one of the reasons I keep this blog, to flesh out my thoughts and feelings. But what is clearer now is that my belief system does have consequences, it is real, and there are limits, whether I like it or not. If this is for real, if there is a real God out there, then this not a game. God does not want his people to worship their dicks, I'm sorry, but I have to draw a line, as much as I wish I was on the other side of this, giving in totally to the addiction and cock devotion, as pleasurable as that sounds.
I know that there are forces out there fighting over my soul. My faith is on a shoe string, nothing like it was ten years ago when I called myself an evangelical Christian. To be honest, I find it hard to pray, hard to relate to God, I use the church as my crutch, to bolster my faith, but I am leaving myself open for attack, to be drawn into these ideas of full abandon. It goes back to one, if not the strongest, fetish I have, the one I really try to avoid, my blasphemy fetish. I find myself looking for yahoo grounds and places on line where there are ex-Christians who are addicted masturbators, living it up....I am somehow drawn to that, maybe because I secretly wish I was one of them, but I dare not enter into that, I dare not!
Why, you ask? I believe God is real and I believe there is a real place called hell, and if I do that, I will undoubtedly go there. Fear, in my case, is stronger than love, and that is so messed up. Christianity is all about love, and being in relationship with God, but is not the lack of relationship that bothers me, it is fear of hell, because I am lead to believe it is the worst of the worst, some horrible torturous place I would be trapped in for eternity. So I am lead to a cross roads, I have been here before, many times. Do I turn and forget about hell and focus on pleasure, making my outward faith a mere facade? I can't that is so wrong on so many levels, taking communion with an uncontrite heart is a sin. So you see I can't go there, my choice is plain, I must not make this a religious thing, I must thank God for the opportunity and do what I am going to do, but not make it apostasy.
Even if I was to deny Christ, live it up, the pleasure so intense, so wonderful, would it last? Would it save me at the time of death, or have simply been an empty idol, a false god. We are no immortal, sooner or later we will all meet our makers. I will post more (none of this changes my plan, just gives me pause).
Remaining conflicted, but trying to hold on, Adam.
----- Update -----
B.R. .8075
I failed. As soon as I was done writing this blog I did look for ex-Christian and cock worship and sure enough I ran across a Satanic Power blog (yeah, I really know how to pick em huh?) that talked about how we were to be our own Gods and that would give us an hard cock, and I masturbated to it and cam. What can I say, I failed, not only did I not abide by my own lenten promise to not cum unless is was a Sunday (today is Saturday), I also went onto to seeking out the very thing I was warning against earlier. What can I say? My flesh is weak, but He will make me strong, Lord have mercy on my poor soul. I am not pleased with myself, although the release felt sooooo good, that is sort of why I feel guilty, a true guilty pleasure. I wish I didn't have to be like this, i wish things could be different and this would be okay, but I see no way around this conflict, I just have to redirect this blasphemy fetish thing to somewhere healthy. I will pray about this.
Well today is day three of my experiment with masturbation everyday without climax or orgasm. I have to say, so far it has gone very well, and I am enjoying this, the need to climax grows each day and with each session. Today, I masturbated more than I usually do, which is why my rate is rising. I think that my lack of climax has allowed me to delve a little deeper into my fetishes and really think more and more about them, as the desire to beat off is always there.
I have spent some time on bateworld today and that site has really encouraged me to get into this more, but I am increasingly finding myself on the the edge (no pun intended) of how far I can take this and still claim that I am a God fearing Christian. While I was getting off this afternoon, reading some of the blogs, I read that some of the most devoted addicted masturbators were once like me, men of faith, but they had abandoned their beliefs to devote themselves totally to cock worship, in that cock has become their new God and masturbation their worship of it. It makes sense, really, masturbation reaps its own immediate rewards, and there really is a pull or temptation to just give into it, as they promise so many pleasures from that, that it will be even better once I give in, and what I mean by give in, is to hold nothing back, not faith, not job, relationship, responsibilities, nothing. That all energies goes to worshipping my cock and in that I will goon out and become so happy in the process, or as I have read.
I know no one really responds to my posts, at least not directly, not for a long time, so I really can't poll people out there as to the real downside to this. I want to know the costs. I think I know them already, but wold love to talk to someone who has been down this road and can reflect objectively. Maybe such a person does not exist, I don't know. But I just can't fully jump into cock worship as much as I want to, not without still being a committed Christian. I just wish it wasn't one extreme or the other. the all or nothing approach. I mean, why does there have to be a choice at all? Why can't I be a Christian masturbator? What is hard, and this is a big one, is learning how to not make this into a false god, an idol. If I call myself a Christian, than there are certain limitations as to what I can do, and the big one is I can't call my cock a God, whether it suits me or not. That is just some false religion that formally religious people have made up to replace their former devotions, upon turning into their desires fully without inhibition. I suppose these people have no fear of hell, or simply have become complete atheists. There is no God, so masturbate up and have a good time! My problem is I don't believe that.
As I write these words, it is becoming clearer to me. That is one of the reasons I keep this blog, to flesh out my thoughts and feelings. But what is clearer now is that my belief system does have consequences, it is real, and there are limits, whether I like it or not. If this is for real, if there is a real God out there, then this not a game. God does not want his people to worship their dicks, I'm sorry, but I have to draw a line, as much as I wish I was on the other side of this, giving in totally to the addiction and cock devotion, as pleasurable as that sounds.
I know that there are forces out there fighting over my soul. My faith is on a shoe string, nothing like it was ten years ago when I called myself an evangelical Christian. To be honest, I find it hard to pray, hard to relate to God, I use the church as my crutch, to bolster my faith, but I am leaving myself open for attack, to be drawn into these ideas of full abandon. It goes back to one, if not the strongest, fetish I have, the one I really try to avoid, my blasphemy fetish. I find myself looking for yahoo grounds and places on line where there are ex-Christians who are addicted masturbators, living it up....I am somehow drawn to that, maybe because I secretly wish I was one of them, but I dare not enter into that, I dare not!
Why, you ask? I believe God is real and I believe there is a real place called hell, and if I do that, I will undoubtedly go there. Fear, in my case, is stronger than love, and that is so messed up. Christianity is all about love, and being in relationship with God, but is not the lack of relationship that bothers me, it is fear of hell, because I am lead to believe it is the worst of the worst, some horrible torturous place I would be trapped in for eternity. So I am lead to a cross roads, I have been here before, many times. Do I turn and forget about hell and focus on pleasure, making my outward faith a mere facade? I can't that is so wrong on so many levels, taking communion with an uncontrite heart is a sin. So you see I can't go there, my choice is plain, I must not make this a religious thing, I must thank God for the opportunity and do what I am going to do, but not make it apostasy.
Even if I was to deny Christ, live it up, the pleasure so intense, so wonderful, would it last? Would it save me at the time of death, or have simply been an empty idol, a false god. We are no immortal, sooner or later we will all meet our makers. I will post more (none of this changes my plan, just gives me pause).
Remaining conflicted, but trying to hold on, Adam.
----- Update -----
B.R. .8075
I failed. As soon as I was done writing this blog I did look for ex-Christian and cock worship and sure enough I ran across a Satanic Power blog (yeah, I really know how to pick em huh?) that talked about how we were to be our own Gods and that would give us an hard cock, and I masturbated to it and cam. What can I say, I failed, not only did I not abide by my own lenten promise to not cum unless is was a Sunday (today is Saturday), I also went onto to seeking out the very thing I was warning against earlier. What can I say? My flesh is weak, but He will make me strong, Lord have mercy on my poor soul. I am not pleased with myself, although the release felt sooooo good, that is sort of why I feel guilty, a true guilty pleasure. I wish I didn't have to be like this, i wish things could be different and this would be okay, but I see no way around this conflict, I just have to redirect this blasphemy fetish thing to somewhere healthy. I will pray about this.
Sunday, March 2, 2014
40 days of masturbation!
B.R. 0.7934
Ok! I know its been yet another long interval of time since my last post, well over a month. Again, my apologies. I must say a lot has happened in the last month in terms of porn and masturbation. I wanted to journal about it, but I got myself so caught up into it I could never pull myself away long enough to reflect.
One, I discovered Tumblr. Yes, another blog, but I find this one more accessible for finding images and videos that prove exciting and stimulating, and also pretty much in line with my many kinks. So that site was akin to adding the oil to the flame of my internal passions.
Two, I re-discovered my primary love of diapers. Wearing them, getting off in them, fantasizing about loosing bladder control in them, and especially reading about others out there doing the same.
Three, I have come to a point in my faith where I think masturbation really needs to be celebrated (not tolerated) and really brought into the idea of worship of God through the life experiences that exist, and for me that is the pleasure of gratification.
So I have devised a lenten challenge, I want to masturbate each day, but only cum on Sundays, so Monday-Saturday, I'm edging. A session has to be a minimum of three minutes long. They should be done at the close of the day after prayers and reading scripture. Again, the idea is is incorporating it into my spiritual life as something holy to do before the Lord and that He can enter into that with me. Less focus on porn and more on the sensation, should not be hard since I am not climaxing.
That's basically it. Oh, and another thing. I got very, very close to getting a bate score of 1.0. I got up to 0.9135 on February 8th, but sadly I backed off since the electric wave of Tumblr began to wear off and I got into my old pattern. In any case, I am sure I will be able to get very close to that score again since I will be masturbating everyday starting this Wednesday. I plan to cum Tuesday, the last day before lent starts.
I'll try to blog again about my progress, and if you read this, don't be afraid to drop me a line to A encourage me, B) Join the challenge! or C) Just too say hi.
Ok! I know its been yet another long interval of time since my last post, well over a month. Again, my apologies. I must say a lot has happened in the last month in terms of porn and masturbation. I wanted to journal about it, but I got myself so caught up into it I could never pull myself away long enough to reflect.
One, I discovered Tumblr. Yes, another blog, but I find this one more accessible for finding images and videos that prove exciting and stimulating, and also pretty much in line with my many kinks. So that site was akin to adding the oil to the flame of my internal passions.
Two, I re-discovered my primary love of diapers. Wearing them, getting off in them, fantasizing about loosing bladder control in them, and especially reading about others out there doing the same.
Three, I have come to a point in my faith where I think masturbation really needs to be celebrated (not tolerated) and really brought into the idea of worship of God through the life experiences that exist, and for me that is the pleasure of gratification.
So I have devised a lenten challenge, I want to masturbate each day, but only cum on Sundays, so Monday-Saturday, I'm edging. A session has to be a minimum of three minutes long. They should be done at the close of the day after prayers and reading scripture. Again, the idea is is incorporating it into my spiritual life as something holy to do before the Lord and that He can enter into that with me. Less focus on porn and more on the sensation, should not be hard since I am not climaxing.
That's basically it. Oh, and another thing. I got very, very close to getting a bate score of 1.0. I got up to 0.9135 on February 8th, but sadly I backed off since the electric wave of Tumblr began to wear off and I got into my old pattern. In any case, I am sure I will be able to get very close to that score again since I will be masturbating everyday starting this Wednesday. I plan to cum Tuesday, the last day before lent starts.
I'll try to blog again about my progress, and if you read this, don't be afraid to drop me a line to A encourage me, B) Join the challenge! or C) Just too say hi.
Saturday, January 18, 2014
Sorry It's Been So Long
BR (2014) 0.57504
To anyone who reads this blog and cares about updates, if such a person exists, sorry for not updating this for literally one and half months. :( I have to admit that I have sort of gotten a bit burnt out with always journalling about the same (or similar) subjects. So I just took a little hiatus.
If you are interested about my masturbation history, hence the main theme of this blog, I masturbated 201 times in 2013, with a final BR of 0.555489. I did not meet my goal of .70. Furthermore, last year represents a decline of 16 sessions from the year before, 2012, which is a about an 8 percent decrease. Honestly I don't really care. I kind lost the desire to make masturbation stats a focus, and I honestly don't know why I continue to show you my rate, as hardly anyone comments on it, but nonetheless, I have it up for those who do care.
Now onto what I want to talk about. I have been feeling a dilemma brewing within more for the last few months, January is always the worst month for me as its my birthday month, which means I am a year older and still living essentially the same life I had for the last ten years +. Single, living alone in a small town, no girlfriend, still pretty much uncommitted as to my sexual orientation. Now I did "come out" last June and had a bit of a personal epiphany of sorts, I had at last made a stand on my sexuality with my family and a few other close friends, but after that revelation and reading a book, I feel like I have come back to where I was. I have been unwilling to step out there in my town as a gay man as I just don't feel that is who I am....despite everything I have been through, I still am not 100% gay, this means I am bi, which to me makes matters even worse, I have a choice, which way do I really go?
I know I am bi more so now than before, because I have seen boyish looking women, well one girl in particular, who I really find HOT, but I haven't the guts to ask her out as she is MUCH younger than me and frankly out of my circles, if you know what I mean, she is not a professional, just a girl who likes to party and whatnot. I know, I sound so harsh, but my attraction is strictly physical. But I bring this up to say I have heterosexual tendencies. On the other hand, I have all these fetishes which are wrapped up in maleness and seeing guys do their thing in gear....I am afraid, and I simply will not go into more detail on this on the internet, despite my supposed anonymity, of aspects of this love when it drive me to looking at younger men. It's just not....healthy. So I just don't know what to do. I have been thinking about signing up again for eHarmony.com, because I just don't see myself dating a man. I see my gay brother call his lover, "sweet heart" and seeing them hold hands, and my stomach heaves. It's weird, I don't know how else to explain it. They want to get married, which will also be very awkward for some members of my family.
But, I am pushing 40, 40! And I just don't think I can go on living alone for the rest of my life. I am an introvert, I think that is pretty obvious, but even introverts get lonely sometimes. I just need to settle down, find a girlfriend, sweep her off my feet and live happily ever after. I know that is a dream, a fairytale. Relationships take work, scarifies, cause a huge amount of pain to people, but would it not have been better to have at least tried, or died knowing I tried then to have just given up because I feel I am in the gray-lands between black and white? I set a time and date to start again on this new adventure of "love", I will date GIRLS and see what happens, surely somewhere out there, God has someone in mind for me that will make me happy, that will understand my kinks and get me, someone who turns me on sexually, surely. And if not, I guess I will look for a guy..... I just don't know what that will look like, it certainly will not be like my brother's relationship.
That's about it. I am thinking I will go to a concert tonight to just interact with people, who knows, maybe that girl I like will be there?
To anyone who reads this blog and cares about updates, if such a person exists, sorry for not updating this for literally one and half months. :( I have to admit that I have sort of gotten a bit burnt out with always journalling about the same (or similar) subjects. So I just took a little hiatus.
If you are interested about my masturbation history, hence the main theme of this blog, I masturbated 201 times in 2013, with a final BR of 0.555489. I did not meet my goal of .70. Furthermore, last year represents a decline of 16 sessions from the year before, 2012, which is a about an 8 percent decrease. Honestly I don't really care. I kind lost the desire to make masturbation stats a focus, and I honestly don't know why I continue to show you my rate, as hardly anyone comments on it, but nonetheless, I have it up for those who do care.
Now onto what I want to talk about. I have been feeling a dilemma brewing within more for the last few months, January is always the worst month for me as its my birthday month, which means I am a year older and still living essentially the same life I had for the last ten years +. Single, living alone in a small town, no girlfriend, still pretty much uncommitted as to my sexual orientation. Now I did "come out" last June and had a bit of a personal epiphany of sorts, I had at last made a stand on my sexuality with my family and a few other close friends, but after that revelation and reading a book, I feel like I have come back to where I was. I have been unwilling to step out there in my town as a gay man as I just don't feel that is who I am....despite everything I have been through, I still am not 100% gay, this means I am bi, which to me makes matters even worse, I have a choice, which way do I really go?
I know I am bi more so now than before, because I have seen boyish looking women, well one girl in particular, who I really find HOT, but I haven't the guts to ask her out as she is MUCH younger than me and frankly out of my circles, if you know what I mean, she is not a professional, just a girl who likes to party and whatnot. I know, I sound so harsh, but my attraction is strictly physical. But I bring this up to say I have heterosexual tendencies. On the other hand, I have all these fetishes which are wrapped up in maleness and seeing guys do their thing in gear....I am afraid, and I simply will not go into more detail on this on the internet, despite my supposed anonymity, of aspects of this love when it drive me to looking at younger men. It's just not....healthy. So I just don't know what to do. I have been thinking about signing up again for eHarmony.com, because I just don't see myself dating a man. I see my gay brother call his lover, "sweet heart" and seeing them hold hands, and my stomach heaves. It's weird, I don't know how else to explain it. They want to get married, which will also be very awkward for some members of my family.
But, I am pushing 40, 40! And I just don't think I can go on living alone for the rest of my life. I am an introvert, I think that is pretty obvious, but even introverts get lonely sometimes. I just need to settle down, find a girlfriend, sweep her off my feet and live happily ever after. I know that is a dream, a fairytale. Relationships take work, scarifies, cause a huge amount of pain to people, but would it not have been better to have at least tried, or died knowing I tried then to have just given up because I feel I am in the gray-lands between black and white? I set a time and date to start again on this new adventure of "love", I will date GIRLS and see what happens, surely somewhere out there, God has someone in mind for me that will make me happy, that will understand my kinks and get me, someone who turns me on sexually, surely. And if not, I guess I will look for a guy..... I just don't know what that will look like, it certainly will not be like my brother's relationship.
That's about it. I am thinking I will go to a concert tonight to just interact with people, who knows, maybe that girl I like will be there?
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