BR 0.64774
I have not masturbated for six days. I cannot think of another time, except maybe when I was on vacation, when I have not done it for this long. I am not on some plan of action to stop, or any major changes of heart on my past reflections on the pleasures and joys of masturbation. No, what has happened is my life has figuratively turned upside down. There is a strong possibility that I will be moving out of state. The issue is my current employer is fighting to keep me where I am. Part of me loathes the thought of moving, pulling up my roots, leaving friends, programs I'm involved with, everything to move to a strange city all for the glory of more money and more experience, to advance my career.
I think I would not be freaking out if I just knew that it was a sure thing, that I will definitely move and I need to start the moving process of packing, finding a new place, saying good buy to friends, but without that clarity of decision, I am left in an impossible position of waiting until Monday to find out what my employer is willing to do to keep me where I am and if that is enough for me to tell my future employer, "thanks, but no thanks." This would screw them over, but in the end I need to do what is in my best interest. So now it is just a painful, excruciating waiting game. I want to drop clues to people that I may be gone in two weeks, but if I am not going, then it would all be pointless. I already have told several people, mostly professional colleagues, that I am leaving, but this was all before I found out that my current employer is willing to fight for me. It is the ever shifting equation that is making my decision impossible and the longer I am in this state of unclarity, the more difficult it is for me to cope.
It may turn out that the last Sunday I am at my church is the same Sunday I let people know I am leaving. I know those of you out there who do not attend church may not think much of this, but as a single guy in a smaller town, the church for me has been my lifeblood. It is my social group, I have some very good friends there and the fact that I would leave the same day I tell them I am leaving will make my leaving all the more painful for them, and for me too. I guess this is what life is about, we have these period of uncertainty and indecision.
I have had others tell me that this is a great place to be, that I am being fought over means that I am the one who wins, I will better my situation as a result. The problem lies in that fact of the professional realities of me staying where I am. I am in a profession that seems to provide more advantages to those who seek out more advanced opportunities. I know I am being cryptic here, but given the nature of this blog, I am not going to reveal who I am. Just know that if I don't leave where I am and I am not taking on increasing responsibilities, then it would be detrimental for my career and the ability to seek out other employment in the future. I am not saying that it would be the worst for me if I was to stay, just much, much harder to leave in the future if I do decide to remain here. Nothing wrong with that, I would just need to decide if that is what I want to do with my life. I live in a small town and if you read this blog, you know I am gay, so.... it seems that to be in a relationship with another guy, it would be better for me to be in a City where there would be less judgement on me for living out that lifestyle. So the scales seems to be on the side of me moving, but....there are such strong forces that are wanting to keep me here, both internal and external. The fact I have no place I can call home, if I was to stay, where I am would be my home, there would be no doubt about that anymore.
I want to ramble on, but feel I would be getting diminishing returns on doing that, I will be typing and typing in circles and I am not sure I would have any more clarity on my situation. In fact I know I would not because everything hinges on what my current employer can do for me, how much money are we talking about here? So there it is, I will post more when I know what I am doing and maybe then my life will return to normal, for now though I don't feel like bating at all, just too much on edge about everything, but I may do it anyway to take off the edge....while edging! LOL Laters....
Saturday, August 17, 2013
Tuesday, August 6, 2013
The Trifecta of Pleasure and My Understanding of It
BR 0.65458. I have masturbated 142 times in 2013.
I've come to a clearer understanding of what makes me tick, sexually speaking. I will never be able to turn off my analytical side when it comes to this stuff, and so I've been meaning to write some more about this in the past few days. I hate for too much time to pass and then I would have forgotten what I've discovered.
So, what is this trifecta of pleasure? Well I will draw it out, this is my first attempt to do this on a blog, so bear with me! Epic fail, I tried to draw it and blogger freaked out, so here is a simpler version.
Phallic Worship Fetish -----> Masturbation Addiction Fetish
Dumbing Down Fetish -----> Masturbation Addiction Fetish
Now this is by no means comprehensive. I do have other fetishes and desires that do not fit into this trifecta. It would be better if I could have a third arrow for everything else, but I can't get that to work without using some kind of drawing program, which I don't have the time or patience to experiment with.
So when I go back and look at what really turns me on at my core, it is these things. Let me go through them one by one.
Phallic Worship Fetish. Anyone who has read my blog knows that one of my most popular posts was on Priapas Temple. If you don't recall off hand what that is, it is a group of people who have made worshipping the phallic or penis as their prime purpose in life. This has tied into my need to bring religion into my masturbation since religion was the main reason I was compelled to not enjoy the pleasure masturbation and orgasm can bring. This is further enhanced by seeing rules for practice that encourages and even commands the cock worshippers to service their member for the good of themselves and the community. It is rather more focused on group sex, orgies, circle jerks, and the like than sheer solo sexualism. I have taken this a step further by my reading the Bible of Cock and Bible of Man that have attempted to make scripture out of the devotion and worship of cock, and in worship that means stimulation to climax. This ties into the need to find ex-Christian groups, even Satanic communities that affirm the love of cock and its worship as yet another layer to get closer to my carnal need to reject Christianity for the sake of self-love.
As I have mentioned in past posts, this is all built on a very conservative, inflexible reading of Scripture that states that all forms of masturbation is a sin and is lust. So of course if one rebells against this there is much pleasure to be had in doing it and your cock grows in the excitement of being released from the spiritual prison. What is wrong with this idea is that true faith in God does allow sexual pleasure in the form of masturbation, as long as you are not lusting after another's body or making it into idol worship. Taking phallic worship to the extreme is sin, it is replacing the one true God with one that was created by God. The key to understand here is that God did create our penises and and He saw to it that His creation was good, read the Genesis account. Therefore, it is not unreasonable that He created masturbation, or at he bear minimum, allowed it to be done. There could have been so many alternatives to the human design that would have prevented the act of masturbation. Sexual pleasure only being realized by the physical act of intercourse, perhaps by the release of some enzyme or something that would ONLY allow orgasm when in the act of sex....BUT that is NOT how we were created, now is it? So is it so unreasonable to assume that masturbation, in its purest form, can be a Holy act unto the Lord? I think it can be, therefore, this idea of ex-Christian masturbation is silly, and yet it is somehow ingrained into my sexual identity that there is still pleasure found in losing your faith for your cock. I will need to focus less on this and more on the spiritual blessing of masturbation to break this connection, it is unholy for me to find pleasure in the demonic.
This phallic worship also ties into masturbation addiction, which is yet another angle. The center of the trifecta. But I will want to leave that aside for now to address the other side of the trifecta, dumbing down fetish. This is a strange and complicated one to explain to anyone. It basically comes into the idea that with the loss of intelligence, there is pleasure. This is directly related to regression fantasies, which tie into ABDL. I wrote a story (email me if you want the link, you have to be members of the site to see it) that dealt with this very thing. The main character is regressed and he finds pleasure in loosing his intelligence, the more he fails, the better it feels. The more wetting he has accidents and acts like a baby or toddler, the better he feels. And in feeling better, it means more intense and frequent orgasms, more masturbation. Losers masturbate; boys with untied, loose sneakers, masturbate. They are dumb and find pleasure in their stupidity. So there is much to unpack here, a lot of tie ins with athletic gear as a means to feel like a dumb jock with a hard cock! Wow, that rhymed! Anyways, diapers, regression, loose athletic styled clothing all plays into the --lets get dumb and get off on getting dumb.
The problem here is not moralistic, it is practical!! I suppose there can be an argument made for not allowing yourself to be made dumb by someone as an immoral thing, God made you to be smart, etc., but that is not the main issue. The issue is that I don't really want to be dumb, I just like the feeling of being dumb, or being made to be dumb. This, of course, plays out not with a phallic bible, but through hypnosis. There are actually files that play right into this very fantasy. Smart people who are burdened with the responsibility of intelligence and wish to escape into a realm where he can exist and be simple and know only pleasure and bliss. Whether it is a regression store or a hypnotic file, it goes deep. So how will that work? I don't want to be dumb, for real, that is insane and honestly not sure if it is really possible. The key is the escape of it and the idea that the process of regressing, or getting dumb, is what is pleasurable, not the regressed state or state of less intelligence. I am not sure where this came from, but is very real to me.
I broke down last night and bought a $10 one month subscription to warp my mind. com. This was the only way I could get to the files I wanted to hear on the dumbing down series. When I heard them they were so full of subliminals and aggressive speech, I realized it was dumb to listen because the hypnotizer made me feel dumb for wanting to do this in the first place! It was not a pleasant experience, and it made me realize that I want the experience to be pleasurable. That is why I liked the "Pleasurable Dumbness" file much better as it was pleasant and comfy to listen to, I liked how it sounded, it made me relax and didn't put me on edge or worse fear that I was really loosing my intelligence.
So that leaves the last-addiction. Addiction is in the center because as the old adage goes, all roads lead to Rome. In this case, all forms of fetishism leads to addiction. But addiction is not an annoying byproduct of indulgence into other fetishes, it is the goal. I read blogs about getting addicted and I find them arousing and often masturbate to them--not images, the words alone of an addicted bater is enough. This ties into to the dumbing down as the addiction itself is the form of escapism from the responsibilities of abstinence. It is a pleasurable road in its own right, the more you masturbate, the better it gets, the more addicted you are, the more happy you will be. It is that idea that really turns me on, you see that all over Bateworld. It is surprising, though, how little all of this leads to porn. I have been moving away from sheer porn for more of these complex ideas, not sure why.
So that is it, that is my trifecta. As to what it all means, I don't know. I am just here now trying to describe and analyze, but not explain. I will say this, that there dosn't seem to be much more to explore for any of these areas and that has been my focus, explore and exploit, get addicted and enjoy it all. More to come....until then bate on everyone!
I've come to a clearer understanding of what makes me tick, sexually speaking. I will never be able to turn off my analytical side when it comes to this stuff, and so I've been meaning to write some more about this in the past few days. I hate for too much time to pass and then I would have forgotten what I've discovered.
So, what is this trifecta of pleasure? Well I will draw it out, this is my first attempt to do this on a blog, so bear with me! Epic fail, I tried to draw it and blogger freaked out, so here is a simpler version.
Phallic Worship Fetish -----> Masturbation Addiction Fetish
Dumbing Down Fetish -----> Masturbation Addiction Fetish
Now this is by no means comprehensive. I do have other fetishes and desires that do not fit into this trifecta. It would be better if I could have a third arrow for everything else, but I can't get that to work without using some kind of drawing program, which I don't have the time or patience to experiment with.
So when I go back and look at what really turns me on at my core, it is these things. Let me go through them one by one.
Phallic Worship Fetish. Anyone who has read my blog knows that one of my most popular posts was on Priapas Temple. If you don't recall off hand what that is, it is a group of people who have made worshipping the phallic or penis as their prime purpose in life. This has tied into my need to bring religion into my masturbation since religion was the main reason I was compelled to not enjoy the pleasure masturbation and orgasm can bring. This is further enhanced by seeing rules for practice that encourages and even commands the cock worshippers to service their member for the good of themselves and the community. It is rather more focused on group sex, orgies, circle jerks, and the like than sheer solo sexualism. I have taken this a step further by my reading the Bible of Cock and Bible of Man that have attempted to make scripture out of the devotion and worship of cock, and in worship that means stimulation to climax. This ties into the need to find ex-Christian groups, even Satanic communities that affirm the love of cock and its worship as yet another layer to get closer to my carnal need to reject Christianity for the sake of self-love.
As I have mentioned in past posts, this is all built on a very conservative, inflexible reading of Scripture that states that all forms of masturbation is a sin and is lust. So of course if one rebells against this there is much pleasure to be had in doing it and your cock grows in the excitement of being released from the spiritual prison. What is wrong with this idea is that true faith in God does allow sexual pleasure in the form of masturbation, as long as you are not lusting after another's body or making it into idol worship. Taking phallic worship to the extreme is sin, it is replacing the one true God with one that was created by God. The key to understand here is that God did create our penises and and He saw to it that His creation was good, read the Genesis account. Therefore, it is not unreasonable that He created masturbation, or at he bear minimum, allowed it to be done. There could have been so many alternatives to the human design that would have prevented the act of masturbation. Sexual pleasure only being realized by the physical act of intercourse, perhaps by the release of some enzyme or something that would ONLY allow orgasm when in the act of sex....BUT that is NOT how we were created, now is it? So is it so unreasonable to assume that masturbation, in its purest form, can be a Holy act unto the Lord? I think it can be, therefore, this idea of ex-Christian masturbation is silly, and yet it is somehow ingrained into my sexual identity that there is still pleasure found in losing your faith for your cock. I will need to focus less on this and more on the spiritual blessing of masturbation to break this connection, it is unholy for me to find pleasure in the demonic.
This phallic worship also ties into masturbation addiction, which is yet another angle. The center of the trifecta. But I will want to leave that aside for now to address the other side of the trifecta, dumbing down fetish. This is a strange and complicated one to explain to anyone. It basically comes into the idea that with the loss of intelligence, there is pleasure. This is directly related to regression fantasies, which tie into ABDL. I wrote a story (email me if you want the link, you have to be members of the site to see it) that dealt with this very thing. The main character is regressed and he finds pleasure in loosing his intelligence, the more he fails, the better it feels. The more wetting he has accidents and acts like a baby or toddler, the better he feels. And in feeling better, it means more intense and frequent orgasms, more masturbation. Losers masturbate; boys with untied, loose sneakers, masturbate. They are dumb and find pleasure in their stupidity. So there is much to unpack here, a lot of tie ins with athletic gear as a means to feel like a dumb jock with a hard cock! Wow, that rhymed! Anyways, diapers, regression, loose athletic styled clothing all plays into the --lets get dumb and get off on getting dumb.
The problem here is not moralistic, it is practical!! I suppose there can be an argument made for not allowing yourself to be made dumb by someone as an immoral thing, God made you to be smart, etc., but that is not the main issue. The issue is that I don't really want to be dumb, I just like the feeling of being dumb, or being made to be dumb. This, of course, plays out not with a phallic bible, but through hypnosis. There are actually files that play right into this very fantasy. Smart people who are burdened with the responsibility of intelligence and wish to escape into a realm where he can exist and be simple and know only pleasure and bliss. Whether it is a regression store or a hypnotic file, it goes deep. So how will that work? I don't want to be dumb, for real, that is insane and honestly not sure if it is really possible. The key is the escape of it and the idea that the process of regressing, or getting dumb, is what is pleasurable, not the regressed state or state of less intelligence. I am not sure where this came from, but is very real to me.
I broke down last night and bought a $10 one month subscription to warp my mind. com. This was the only way I could get to the files I wanted to hear on the dumbing down series. When I heard them they were so full of subliminals and aggressive speech, I realized it was dumb to listen because the hypnotizer made me feel dumb for wanting to do this in the first place! It was not a pleasant experience, and it made me realize that I want the experience to be pleasurable. That is why I liked the "Pleasurable Dumbness" file much better as it was pleasant and comfy to listen to, I liked how it sounded, it made me relax and didn't put me on edge or worse fear that I was really loosing my intelligence.
So that leaves the last-addiction. Addiction is in the center because as the old adage goes, all roads lead to Rome. In this case, all forms of fetishism leads to addiction. But addiction is not an annoying byproduct of indulgence into other fetishes, it is the goal. I read blogs about getting addicted and I find them arousing and often masturbate to them--not images, the words alone of an addicted bater is enough. This ties into to the dumbing down as the addiction itself is the form of escapism from the responsibilities of abstinence. It is a pleasurable road in its own right, the more you masturbate, the better it gets, the more addicted you are, the more happy you will be. It is that idea that really turns me on, you see that all over Bateworld. It is surprising, though, how little all of this leads to porn. I have been moving away from sheer porn for more of these complex ideas, not sure why.
So that is it, that is my trifecta. As to what it all means, I don't know. I am just here now trying to describe and analyze, but not explain. I will say this, that there dosn't seem to be much more to explore for any of these areas and that has been my focus, explore and exploit, get addicted and enjoy it all. More to come....until then bate on everyone!
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