Bate Rate: 0.59095
So here we are, December 30th, 2012. It is 1 o'clock in the afternoon. So literally 35 hours left in the year now. Wow, and what a year too! So as you can see from above I did NOT meet my goal. The tally is 216 sessions in 365 days, but this was a leap year, so.... in theory I could go tomorrow and add another, but I honestly don't think that's going to happen. Getting to 1.0 was a silly dream, now I know that there are others out there that do it and in fact do more than that! But I am not one of those addicted bator types, despite what all of you may think of me based off of my past blog posts. You see, I like to make myself "think" I am one of those people, as thinking I am somehow adds to my pleasure. But that is the difference between fantasy and reality.
I should also share with you all that I have added some more constraints to my masturbation sessions. I am hesitant to really share this because I know people do really read this blog (much to my surprise, I guess everything on the net is read if it's written). But I will say that I use some weather related data as an environmental factor to govern, if I will, if I do will not. (On a side note, weather watching is one of my hobbies.) I know, if I am pro masturbation why would I do this? Just go when I have the urge, right? Well I have found that I do need some kind of system of limitations that is outside of myself. For one it makes the sessions more meaningful to me to know that is is something that I can do within the confines of an external system (I know I'm sounding very nerdy, but I'm nerdy about some things, I get this from my dad!). Anyways, I have enjoyed this secondary system to the game that has been in place since around 12/20, so I am on day 10 of that. So far it has gone very well, and I plan to implement it for the foreseeable future, makes meeting my goals all the more challenging and interesting.
I am not really all that disappointed for loosing the game, I am really happy to have the data, to be honest. How many sessions, etc. It tells me if I am masturbating too much, or not enough! I guess now I have to ask you all, what should my "batting" average be for 2013? Again, the rule is if you divide the sessions by days of the year. 365 sessions / 365 days = 1.0 batting average. That's it. I got 59.095% Should I aim for 70% next year? Keep it down to 50%, email me or comment on this post, my email is littleben176@yahoo.com
I do want to say one more thing...a while ago I had an entry I called "Bate World" regarding a certain website for masturbators. I have had two comments, you can see them for yourself, on that post. If you want to meet me on that site, please feel free to do so, my screen name is MXbator. Since I am in to motorcross, you all know why if you read this blog, lol.
Okay, that's it for now, not really depressed or anything today so I don't have much to ponder or complain about, I hope everyone has a happy New Year! Remember, let me know what you want me to do! Who knows, I might just go for it! Bate on in 2013!
Sunday, December 30, 2012
Sunday, November 18, 2012
Back to Reality, a Time to Rethink my Sexuality
Bate Rate: 0.61497
I have had a very interesting last few days. I must say that my trip to Colorado was not exactly as I anticipated in terms of the various interactions that I've had with some of my old fraternity brothers. I decided to come clean with one friend of mine and tell him everything, short of the existence of this blog. This blog, as far as I can help it, will remain private. No one who reads this will know who I am in real life. Before I get into the discussion I had with my first buddy, I happened to--in a round about way without actually intending it--to cover the same issue (without going into detail) with another brother from the fraternity, the guy who took me to the airport.
So brother # 1 (the first guy) was actually very supportive and just wanted to know what this was all about, what were my fetishes, where did I go on line. I told him everything, the AB/DL stuff, and everything about my sports gear fetish side. I must say that just coming clean with him, all the way, was such a relief. Someone who is not part of my secret life knows the truth. It was somewhat of a fire hose experience for him, a lot of information in a short period of time. He knew I was sexually confused from earlier conversations and confession, however, I'm sure he is still processing what I told him. Nonetheless, he was able to offer me some good advice, advice that somewhat conflicts with the advice I got from brother #2 (the second guy I talked to).
Brother #1 said that I should try to find images or videos of guys who are wearing the gear I'm into, but who are also doing it with members of the opposite sex. So basically guys who are getting laid by girls, but the guys happen to be geared out. This, as he saw it, was some kind of compromise, it allows you to be "heterosexual" and be a gear fetishist, and not go 100% gay. As I have stated before in this blog, my feelings are that I lean gay on the spectrum, but I concede that I am not 100% there, but could easily go down that road if I so choose. Since I'm a fetishist, I have some choice in the matter, that is if I can learn how to get off on a guy who is having sex with a girl, the guy wearing sports gear is the bridge between my fetish and the correct, conventional course, of a man and a women in love, presumably in a marriage. If this approach is successful, maybe I can find a special partner who can indulge me in this fetish. This approach I will call the moderate approach, it allows me to keep my fetishes, but aims to re-direct them to a different target that can possibly lead to love that is not based on guys in gear, but a women and what she can do to (or for) a guy.
Brother #2 took a more extreme course. Now in all fairness to him, he did not receive as much detail. All he knows is I am a fetishist and I am sexually confused, did not point blank come out to him that I think I am gay or bi-sexual, but implied it by what I said to him. How he sees this, all fetishes are learned. When a guy (or maybe a girl) masturbates and they focus their attention on an object, that object, given enough time, will become sexually charged and relevant for future arousal. Therefore, as the argument goes, it can be re-directed, like training rose to grow up a trellis. He said that sexually is either "sexually frustrated" when you take out your confused sexual urges on objects, or a form of power over the person or object, or it is based on "beauty", I forget the exact term he used for the latter. His general argument is that it all comes down to the brain as the central sexual organ. If thoughts, and to some extent even images, are changed while masturbating, the desire will gradually shift. With work, the objects causing sexual arousal would hold less meaning, and in extreme cases the objects themselves would need to be disposed of in order to allow for recovery and prevent remission back into the old familiar desires and re-enforcement thereof. By focusing on beauty (of a women) and making this an intimacy thing, not a fetish thing, the desires will shift in time.
I wish I had more time to truly unpack this. Firstly, I had no opportunity to reflect on what he said and to come back with my own theories. Secondly, the advise is coming from someone who holds (loosely) Roman Catholic theology on sexual deviance and even a prohibition of masturbation. He was a contributing factor to the many years I fought and fought to eliminate masturbation, as it was a "sin" and was not how God intended his creatures to sexually express themselves, that sex is only permissible within the institution of marriage. I do not proscribe to this strict interpretation and I must say that Brother #2 does not fully either, but he comes from this line of thinking. Thirdly, Brother #2 is not a trained sexual psychologist, but rather was a philosophy major who turned into an attorney. He is applying his knowledge and simply hoping that is works, like giving up smoking. The cold turkey concept. I am sure, if given an opportunity, he would refine his advice, especially if he knew the specifics of my sexual story line, but in my heart of hearts, I am convinced he would not alter his advice remarkably. I asked for specific application for what I do on Day 1, when I want to masturbate, and he told me, rather meekly I may add, to think of a girl that I like and had excited me, that she would accept me for who I am, in a easy going flirtatious manner, like that was all it took to turn me. I fear that to change me would take much more than that!
As I have read up on fetishism, I have come across a general consensus that it is "normal" variant of sexuality. I think where the issue comes into play is if the addiction becomes compulsive and chronic in the sense that is harms the individual or prevents him or her from intimacy or even basic social needs and interactions. In these cases, they are sexually frustrated because their fetish is never enough to satisfy the need and urges they have, thus perpetuating an addiction state. These cases need treatment.
As much as I care for brother #2, I will proceed with brother #1's advice. I don't think I have the will power or even the desire to turn completely away from my many fetishes, they have become so much a part of who I am since I was 15 years old, I'm now in my mid 30's. I will admit though, that I think my fetishes are conditioned on exposure. I will make attempts, even though I have no desire to, to masturbate to women or, at minimum, guys who are geared up with women, no more gay porn. I could feel myself turning slowly away from my disgust of anal sex from the volume of it that I was seeing on gay porn, fetish based, websites. This concerns me because I do see that is crossing a line, delving even deeper into the dark world of fetishism and homo eroticism.
My plan (for now) is to pull away from fetishism slowly. I will be more intentional about what I look at and will seek out porn that meets brother #1's criteria. I will commit to do this for a month, just to see if I sense any changes in my sexuality. I will certainly update this blog as this progresses.
Finally, I know that this blog is read by people curious in whatever I have to say, I see that in the viewership stats. So please do not hesitate to comment on what I write, as I do want other's advise on these issues. Please no flaming, that's just not cool.
I have had a very interesting last few days. I must say that my trip to Colorado was not exactly as I anticipated in terms of the various interactions that I've had with some of my old fraternity brothers. I decided to come clean with one friend of mine and tell him everything, short of the existence of this blog. This blog, as far as I can help it, will remain private. No one who reads this will know who I am in real life. Before I get into the discussion I had with my first buddy, I happened to--in a round about way without actually intending it--to cover the same issue (without going into detail) with another brother from the fraternity, the guy who took me to the airport.
So brother # 1 (the first guy) was actually very supportive and just wanted to know what this was all about, what were my fetishes, where did I go on line. I told him everything, the AB/DL stuff, and everything about my sports gear fetish side. I must say that just coming clean with him, all the way, was such a relief. Someone who is not part of my secret life knows the truth. It was somewhat of a fire hose experience for him, a lot of information in a short period of time. He knew I was sexually confused from earlier conversations and confession, however, I'm sure he is still processing what I told him. Nonetheless, he was able to offer me some good advice, advice that somewhat conflicts with the advice I got from brother #2 (the second guy I talked to).
Brother #1 said that I should try to find images or videos of guys who are wearing the gear I'm into, but who are also doing it with members of the opposite sex. So basically guys who are getting laid by girls, but the guys happen to be geared out. This, as he saw it, was some kind of compromise, it allows you to be "heterosexual" and be a gear fetishist, and not go 100% gay. As I have stated before in this blog, my feelings are that I lean gay on the spectrum, but I concede that I am not 100% there, but could easily go down that road if I so choose. Since I'm a fetishist, I have some choice in the matter, that is if I can learn how to get off on a guy who is having sex with a girl, the guy wearing sports gear is the bridge between my fetish and the correct, conventional course, of a man and a women in love, presumably in a marriage. If this approach is successful, maybe I can find a special partner who can indulge me in this fetish. This approach I will call the moderate approach, it allows me to keep my fetishes, but aims to re-direct them to a different target that can possibly lead to love that is not based on guys in gear, but a women and what she can do to (or for) a guy.
Brother #2 took a more extreme course. Now in all fairness to him, he did not receive as much detail. All he knows is I am a fetishist and I am sexually confused, did not point blank come out to him that I think I am gay or bi-sexual, but implied it by what I said to him. How he sees this, all fetishes are learned. When a guy (or maybe a girl) masturbates and they focus their attention on an object, that object, given enough time, will become sexually charged and relevant for future arousal. Therefore, as the argument goes, it can be re-directed, like training rose to grow up a trellis. He said that sexually is either "sexually frustrated" when you take out your confused sexual urges on objects, or a form of power over the person or object, or it is based on "beauty", I forget the exact term he used for the latter. His general argument is that it all comes down to the brain as the central sexual organ. If thoughts, and to some extent even images, are changed while masturbating, the desire will gradually shift. With work, the objects causing sexual arousal would hold less meaning, and in extreme cases the objects themselves would need to be disposed of in order to allow for recovery and prevent remission back into the old familiar desires and re-enforcement thereof. By focusing on beauty (of a women) and making this an intimacy thing, not a fetish thing, the desires will shift in time.
I wish I had more time to truly unpack this. Firstly, I had no opportunity to reflect on what he said and to come back with my own theories. Secondly, the advise is coming from someone who holds (loosely) Roman Catholic theology on sexual deviance and even a prohibition of masturbation. He was a contributing factor to the many years I fought and fought to eliminate masturbation, as it was a "sin" and was not how God intended his creatures to sexually express themselves, that sex is only permissible within the institution of marriage. I do not proscribe to this strict interpretation and I must say that Brother #2 does not fully either, but he comes from this line of thinking. Thirdly, Brother #2 is not a trained sexual psychologist, but rather was a philosophy major who turned into an attorney. He is applying his knowledge and simply hoping that is works, like giving up smoking. The cold turkey concept. I am sure, if given an opportunity, he would refine his advice, especially if he knew the specifics of my sexual story line, but in my heart of hearts, I am convinced he would not alter his advice remarkably. I asked for specific application for what I do on Day 1, when I want to masturbate, and he told me, rather meekly I may add, to think of a girl that I like and had excited me, that she would accept me for who I am, in a easy going flirtatious manner, like that was all it took to turn me. I fear that to change me would take much more than that!
As I have read up on fetishism, I have come across a general consensus that it is "normal" variant of sexuality. I think where the issue comes into play is if the addiction becomes compulsive and chronic in the sense that is harms the individual or prevents him or her from intimacy or even basic social needs and interactions. In these cases, they are sexually frustrated because their fetish is never enough to satisfy the need and urges they have, thus perpetuating an addiction state. These cases need treatment.
As much as I care for brother #2, I will proceed with brother #1's advice. I don't think I have the will power or even the desire to turn completely away from my many fetishes, they have become so much a part of who I am since I was 15 years old, I'm now in my mid 30's. I will admit though, that I think my fetishes are conditioned on exposure. I will make attempts, even though I have no desire to, to masturbate to women or, at minimum, guys who are geared up with women, no more gay porn. I could feel myself turning slowly away from my disgust of anal sex from the volume of it that I was seeing on gay porn, fetish based, websites. This concerns me because I do see that is crossing a line, delving even deeper into the dark world of fetishism and homo eroticism.
My plan (for now) is to pull away from fetishism slowly. I will be more intentional about what I look at and will seek out porn that meets brother #1's criteria. I will commit to do this for a month, just to see if I sense any changes in my sexuality. I will certainly update this blog as this progresses.
Finally, I know that this blog is read by people curious in whatever I have to say, I see that in the viewership stats. So please do not hesitate to comment on what I write, as I do want other's advise on these issues. Please no flaming, that's just not cool.
Saturday, November 10, 2012
Being Accepted: Finding a Peer Group
Bate Rate: 0.61328
This will be a different journal entry than usual, I hope to be a bid more profound in my musings. I also hope that more readers of this will be personally affected by what I have to say. Typically I am talking about the inner recesses of my personal desires/issues and experiences, and doing this boldly--I may add--since before a few years ago, this would only be in a my private journals, not out there on the world wide web. But I do, I hope have some level of anonymity in this blog for the expressed purpose of allowing me to be 100% real and transparent in what I am thinking and feeling as a human being.
Now, onto my desired subject for today's post. I woke up today listening to NPR, the last 15 minutes of This American Life, a radio show. Today's show was about how hard it was for a middle school aged boy to move into a new town because he had no friends. He said, quite ably and articulately, that it was not as easy as in elementary school to make new friends, you cannot walk up to a person and say, "hi, do you want to be my friend?" And have it be that. No, in middle school there are peer groups, people who judge you, your background, your values, your skills and interests and they size you up and determine off of some narrow criteria, if you belong with them or if you do not. If you don't, you are not part of the mainstream group, but would have to find friends with those who are in a variety of sub-groups, or sub-cultures. But even these groups can be exclusive and hard to break into, you have to bring something of value to them for them to be able to accept you.
I got to thinking about this and had the epiphany that this concept is the riddle of life and the key to why I am so depressed all the time these days. Society is made up of these peer groups, it does not stop in middle school. Yes, in middle school there is more drama over friends, as the kids are not able to process their emotions as effectively as when they become adults, but the basic societal framework is set up starting at around 6th grade. You either learn how to play the society game or you do not learn. I did not learn. I know that now, I like to think and make believe that I am accepted, that I belong somewhere, but I have over the years, enclosed myself into this isolative cocoon in a small town and I have, systematically (without realizing it) decimated my peer groups.
Let me explain more. I am calling a peer group a group of people who have similar values, desires, and goals, which attract and conditionally accept others as long as they conform to the group's basic goals and values. This is the framework of society that is setup in youth, ages 11-15, the tween and early teen time before you are an older teenagers but after you are a mere child. There are hundreds of peer groups, they form cultures, there is the mainstream culture and then within mainstream culture there are sub-cultures, each group with unique social mores, values, goals, and skill sets. Just like the groups in middle school that either accept you or reject you basic strictly on your ability to conform to the group's collective values and expectations. For example, you are not going to be friends with the football players unless you can understand and are relative decent (based on the average skill ability) at playing football. If you can't play football, you are not accepted into that group, it's as plain and as simple as that. They may not tell you this straight to your face (at least not when you are an adult) but it remains true nonetheless. Society does not accept diversity. Rather it becomes stratified, like groups attract. If you are different, you just need to find the group that is like you that you conform with and find your community there.
My issue is I have very few groups that I can attach myself to. I attend a church, I am in a weekly small group, a group of individuals at the church, who have committed time and energy towards learning something new. But, I have not been able to connect with these people at a deeper more personal level, they are not my age, or my peers, in that we do not share some fundamental characteristics to ensure I am within their personal social networks. The primary rule of these groups, in mainstream society, is that you need to be married and you need to have kids. If you are not married and have no children, you do not fit into the predominate patterns of these social groups. So getting back to my small group and my church, I am members of it, I participate and socialize with the members, but it remains a superficial connection because I lack the criteria to be truly accepted: I am single and gay. Deep down they all know it, or suspect it, but social mores says they cannot address it directly, no one is going to call me gay, that won't happen. But what will happen is I will be overlooked for party invitations, gatherings, etc. and in turn I will feel awkward about just calling up one of these people out of the blue to hang out/ or rather to be familiar with them on a deeper level, they are not my kith and kin. I have not been invited to the theater even though I have expressed interest. In fact I had to attend a show on my own last weekend since I had no one to go with, this is my new reality. Why? I am not married, and I am not within the same age group, so I have less life experience to offer.
What about those my own age, you ask? Well you see they are all married and I am further worried that I am not accept beyond simply my martial status, but also due to my own behavior. I can come across as an strange nerdy person, my own personal habits, behaviors, presentation, my slender size and lack of strength, etc. may be lacking when measured up to others. This, to me, is the most frustrating part. Some people just don't like me. I don't know why, exactly, but I know I rub some people the wrong way, I am not like them, I get that. I know that this is not true with everyone, I will not process my emotional upheavals by making broad statements, "oh everyone hates me". For one, I know that will do me no good to repair wounded or impaired friendships, and secondly it simply is not true. But when dealing with the heart, it's hard to be logical. It's not that I don't have any friends. I have friends, but they are few, and I try to not call them every time I am lonely, I don't want to be a burden on them because I can't get my act together and find a spouse.
I also mentioned, earlier, that I am less happy now more because I have systematically decimated my peer groups. You see, I was part of a singles group that was part of another church, but over the past year I have pulled out of it because I no longer fit into the conservative values and their general evangelicalism. So I stopped participating in their events and so I lost that connection, I am realizing that I am now really paying the price for that decision because I can no longer connect with people who are like myself, my single peer group, my sub-culture that fits who I am as an individual. I also left my former church, for another smaller church, for the same theological reasons I stated above, namely that I am more liberal now and do not fit into the social conservative peer groups. And while you would think that would be a zero sum gain. Switching one church for another, what's the big deal, but the issue is I still have lost old connections that I had for over 5 years. I have been dropped, forgotten because I rejected the fundamental building block for that collection of people, the church. You cannot be friends with people in this town if you do not attend their church, it just doesn't work, there is no common ground. (not to reveal who I am in real life, but I live in a small conservative southern town in a very red "republican" state)
I have learned that humans have evolved this way over millions of years so that we could survive, we formed hunting bands and clans to divide labor and relate to one another and to perform the most basic function of a human, to make more humans, the marry and to have children. That is a very, very powerful force in our society and so there should be no doubt as to why I feel like I am not accepted here, I and bucking this force that is coming from all quarters, that tells me that something is wrong with me if I am not married with children. I am not contributing or conforming to the primary social objective, which is the need to make more people. I get it now.
I know it is more complicated than that, part of this has to do with my lack of sociability The fact I don't schmooze with others, go to open events, socialize within my town, but it will be hard to break in if I don't fit in and conform with the others. So where does this lead me now that I have this figured out? I know I have never been popular in school, and even now I see that my lack of popularity has effected me in my career my ability to advance, and in my general well being. I may be a loner with only a handful of what I consider real friends, but I still long for community and intimacy with others. At my personal cross roads is my need to decide what I am going to do with my life. Do I come out as gay? If so, when and how? My brother is gay and it's already creating drama in my family, can I possibly add to that? Or do I take the route of responsibility, and seriously go after a wife? Go back onto eHarmony and do my best again to try to find someone I am marginally attracted to and I hope she would find me the same. Look past my sexual peculiarities and just find the companion I desperately need. And when I know she is emotionally attached to me, I ease her in, bit by bit, into what I am sexually attracted to and hope and pray to find some common ground with her. At least then I would be accepted into all these groups? But something tells me that option will crash and burn, I can't get married just to please others, even if I want what they can offer to me-- community. The third, and most radical option, is to just quit my job and move away, to a place that is more liberal and would hold the values that I personally agree with, a bigger city with a accepting gay community. Start over brand new, with new people, and do my best to try to fit in. This option is the most risky, as it means I have to basically start over again. But is that just running away from my problems to rewind my life to 10 years ago so I can do it all over again in a new place?
So this is where I am now. I am alone, lonely, with very few friends who really understands me and who I am. I have turned to on line fetish groups to fill in this gap, but have had limited success with that approach. I guess I'll carry on as I always had until some force out there pushes me to do something about this issue. Either I will be fired or my pay will be cut (Option 3), I will feel I need to just get married, (Option 2). Or I will say, the hell with this town and my family, and come out and be gay and openly seek a same sex partner (Option 1), but in the process forego any hope of acceptance into my peer groups. Option 4 is to do nothing, but that can only last so long before I really do get depressed and will need to seek professional help... I pray that God can help me pick which option is best for me.
This will be a different journal entry than usual, I hope to be a bid more profound in my musings. I also hope that more readers of this will be personally affected by what I have to say. Typically I am talking about the inner recesses of my personal desires/issues and experiences, and doing this boldly--I may add--since before a few years ago, this would only be in a my private journals, not out there on the world wide web. But I do, I hope have some level of anonymity in this blog for the expressed purpose of allowing me to be 100% real and transparent in what I am thinking and feeling as a human being.
Now, onto my desired subject for today's post. I woke up today listening to NPR, the last 15 minutes of This American Life, a radio show. Today's show was about how hard it was for a middle school aged boy to move into a new town because he had no friends. He said, quite ably and articulately, that it was not as easy as in elementary school to make new friends, you cannot walk up to a person and say, "hi, do you want to be my friend?" And have it be that. No, in middle school there are peer groups, people who judge you, your background, your values, your skills and interests and they size you up and determine off of some narrow criteria, if you belong with them or if you do not. If you don't, you are not part of the mainstream group, but would have to find friends with those who are in a variety of sub-groups, or sub-cultures. But even these groups can be exclusive and hard to break into, you have to bring something of value to them for them to be able to accept you.
I got to thinking about this and had the epiphany that this concept is the riddle of life and the key to why I am so depressed all the time these days. Society is made up of these peer groups, it does not stop in middle school. Yes, in middle school there is more drama over friends, as the kids are not able to process their emotions as effectively as when they become adults, but the basic societal framework is set up starting at around 6th grade. You either learn how to play the society game or you do not learn. I did not learn. I know that now, I like to think and make believe that I am accepted, that I belong somewhere, but I have over the years, enclosed myself into this isolative cocoon in a small town and I have, systematically (without realizing it) decimated my peer groups.
Let me explain more. I am calling a peer group a group of people who have similar values, desires, and goals, which attract and conditionally accept others as long as they conform to the group's basic goals and values. This is the framework of society that is setup in youth, ages 11-15, the tween and early teen time before you are an older teenagers but after you are a mere child. There are hundreds of peer groups, they form cultures, there is the mainstream culture and then within mainstream culture there are sub-cultures, each group with unique social mores, values, goals, and skill sets. Just like the groups in middle school that either accept you or reject you basic strictly on your ability to conform to the group's collective values and expectations. For example, you are not going to be friends with the football players unless you can understand and are relative decent (based on the average skill ability) at playing football. If you can't play football, you are not accepted into that group, it's as plain and as simple as that. They may not tell you this straight to your face (at least not when you are an adult) but it remains true nonetheless. Society does not accept diversity. Rather it becomes stratified, like groups attract. If you are different, you just need to find the group that is like you that you conform with and find your community there.
My issue is I have very few groups that I can attach myself to. I attend a church, I am in a weekly small group, a group of individuals at the church, who have committed time and energy towards learning something new. But, I have not been able to connect with these people at a deeper more personal level, they are not my age, or my peers, in that we do not share some fundamental characteristics to ensure I am within their personal social networks. The primary rule of these groups, in mainstream society, is that you need to be married and you need to have kids. If you are not married and have no children, you do not fit into the predominate patterns of these social groups. So getting back to my small group and my church, I am members of it, I participate and socialize with the members, but it remains a superficial connection because I lack the criteria to be truly accepted: I am single and gay. Deep down they all know it, or suspect it, but social mores says they cannot address it directly, no one is going to call me gay, that won't happen. But what will happen is I will be overlooked for party invitations, gatherings, etc. and in turn I will feel awkward about just calling up one of these people out of the blue to hang out/ or rather to be familiar with them on a deeper level, they are not my kith and kin. I have not been invited to the theater even though I have expressed interest. In fact I had to attend a show on my own last weekend since I had no one to go with, this is my new reality. Why? I am not married, and I am not within the same age group, so I have less life experience to offer.
What about those my own age, you ask? Well you see they are all married and I am further worried that I am not accept beyond simply my martial status, but also due to my own behavior. I can come across as an strange nerdy person, my own personal habits, behaviors, presentation, my slender size and lack of strength, etc. may be lacking when measured up to others. This, to me, is the most frustrating part. Some people just don't like me. I don't know why, exactly, but I know I rub some people the wrong way, I am not like them, I get that. I know that this is not true with everyone, I will not process my emotional upheavals by making broad statements, "oh everyone hates me". For one, I know that will do me no good to repair wounded or impaired friendships, and secondly it simply is not true. But when dealing with the heart, it's hard to be logical. It's not that I don't have any friends. I have friends, but they are few, and I try to not call them every time I am lonely, I don't want to be a burden on them because I can't get my act together and find a spouse.
I also mentioned, earlier, that I am less happy now more because I have systematically decimated my peer groups. You see, I was part of a singles group that was part of another church, but over the past year I have pulled out of it because I no longer fit into the conservative values and their general evangelicalism. So I stopped participating in their events and so I lost that connection, I am realizing that I am now really paying the price for that decision because I can no longer connect with people who are like myself, my single peer group, my sub-culture that fits who I am as an individual. I also left my former church, for another smaller church, for the same theological reasons I stated above, namely that I am more liberal now and do not fit into the social conservative peer groups. And while you would think that would be a zero sum gain. Switching one church for another, what's the big deal, but the issue is I still have lost old connections that I had for over 5 years. I have been dropped, forgotten because I rejected the fundamental building block for that collection of people, the church. You cannot be friends with people in this town if you do not attend their church, it just doesn't work, there is no common ground. (not to reveal who I am in real life, but I live in a small conservative southern town in a very red "republican" state)
I have learned that humans have evolved this way over millions of years so that we could survive, we formed hunting bands and clans to divide labor and relate to one another and to perform the most basic function of a human, to make more humans, the marry and to have children. That is a very, very powerful force in our society and so there should be no doubt as to why I feel like I am not accepted here, I and bucking this force that is coming from all quarters, that tells me that something is wrong with me if I am not married with children. I am not contributing or conforming to the primary social objective, which is the need to make more people. I get it now.
I know it is more complicated than that, part of this has to do with my lack of sociability The fact I don't schmooze with others, go to open events, socialize within my town, but it will be hard to break in if I don't fit in and conform with the others. So where does this lead me now that I have this figured out? I know I have never been popular in school, and even now I see that my lack of popularity has effected me in my career my ability to advance, and in my general well being. I may be a loner with only a handful of what I consider real friends, but I still long for community and intimacy with others. At my personal cross roads is my need to decide what I am going to do with my life. Do I come out as gay? If so, when and how? My brother is gay and it's already creating drama in my family, can I possibly add to that? Or do I take the route of responsibility, and seriously go after a wife? Go back onto eHarmony and do my best again to try to find someone I am marginally attracted to and I hope she would find me the same. Look past my sexual peculiarities and just find the companion I desperately need. And when I know she is emotionally attached to me, I ease her in, bit by bit, into what I am sexually attracted to and hope and pray to find some common ground with her. At least then I would be accepted into all these groups? But something tells me that option will crash and burn, I can't get married just to please others, even if I want what they can offer to me-- community. The third, and most radical option, is to just quit my job and move away, to a place that is more liberal and would hold the values that I personally agree with, a bigger city with a accepting gay community. Start over brand new, with new people, and do my best to try to fit in. This option is the most risky, as it means I have to basically start over again. But is that just running away from my problems to rewind my life to 10 years ago so I can do it all over again in a new place?
So this is where I am now. I am alone, lonely, with very few friends who really understands me and who I am. I have turned to on line fetish groups to fill in this gap, but have had limited success with that approach. I guess I'll carry on as I always had until some force out there pushes me to do something about this issue. Either I will be fired or my pay will be cut (Option 3), I will feel I need to just get married, (Option 2). Or I will say, the hell with this town and my family, and come out and be gay and openly seek a same sex partner (Option 1), but in the process forego any hope of acceptance into my peer groups. Option 4 is to do nothing, but that can only last so long before I really do get depressed and will need to seek professional help... I pray that God can help me pick which option is best for me.
Saturday, November 3, 2012
Monday, September 17, 2012
A Return to Normalcy
Bate Rate: 0.595531
I have come down from the high of "being dumb" or whatever that meant to me. I have found that there are not that many places, other than the comment section in these hypnosis files, where I can easily get off. It's not like I can see videos, or at least I have no idea where these would be, of guys getting dumb and horny at the same time, although such a thing would interest me to no end... Nonetheless, that phase is fading now as it is no longer anything new to me. My backwards slide towards a more typical less nyphomanical masturbation rate and practice was further enhanced over the weekend by my insanely busy schedule and a rather puritanical stand up comedy routine, I will not post the comedian's name for privacy reasons, but he had this effect of making me feel very sorry for how I have been behaving... Just the little push I needed to think that this game I'm playing is not worth it. Addictive auto-aroused hyper-sexuality is not all it is cracked up to be. It requires a devotion beyond that of any other human occupation and the people engaged in it have foregone all their social skills, unless you are goading them on to increase their desired vices and addictions. Is that what I want for myself? Again we have the constant struggle against what is hot vs. what is pragmatic. My great oscillation, once again, turning around to my personal morality.
I know that I will again want some of this back, there is no way to turn my Hyde off, no matter how much Dr. Jekyll medicates him, guilts him into submission. But in the end, I know I don't want to jump head first into the bate hole, because that is not where I want to be, no matter how attractive the promises of pure bliss seem to be, they are mere mirages on the horizon of a confused sexual landscape, full of pitfalls and misguided turns. The costs are just too high. After all, anyone who reads my blog can say that I am a Christian. No matter how much I pretend that I don't want to be one, I still am one. That is the reality I have chosen, that is my belief system. And by making that stand for Christ, I have to accept that there are just limitations to what I can be. Not that I am not more by being with Christ, I just cannot serve two masters, its as simple as that. Masturbation is a gift from God, I have no doubt in my mind about that, no matter what a fundie my tell me. But serving masturbation as my God, as sadly those who are in this most deeply do, is not okay, I have to say it is sin. God is God, and to make something created into a god, is not what we are called to do. Its like me worshiping pizza because I like to eat pizza. Eating pizza is not wrong, but worshiping it is. I was getting close to worshiping something other than God, even the idea of being dumb or horny, or getting horny, getting myself addicted to be more horny...maybe in moderation none of that is "bad", but in a lifestyle excluding all other forms of devotion? Yeah.... you see where I am going. I'll let you know how my feelings are on this subject when I am horny again... maybe some of this will stick?
I have come down from the high of "being dumb" or whatever that meant to me. I have found that there are not that many places, other than the comment section in these hypnosis files, where I can easily get off. It's not like I can see videos, or at least I have no idea where these would be, of guys getting dumb and horny at the same time, although such a thing would interest me to no end... Nonetheless, that phase is fading now as it is no longer anything new to me. My backwards slide towards a more typical less nyphomanical masturbation rate and practice was further enhanced over the weekend by my insanely busy schedule and a rather puritanical stand up comedy routine, I will not post the comedian's name for privacy reasons, but he had this effect of making me feel very sorry for how I have been behaving... Just the little push I needed to think that this game I'm playing is not worth it. Addictive auto-aroused hyper-sexuality is not all it is cracked up to be. It requires a devotion beyond that of any other human occupation and the people engaged in it have foregone all their social skills, unless you are goading them on to increase their desired vices and addictions. Is that what I want for myself? Again we have the constant struggle against what is hot vs. what is pragmatic. My great oscillation, once again, turning around to my personal morality.
I know that I will again want some of this back, there is no way to turn my Hyde off, no matter how much Dr. Jekyll medicates him, guilts him into submission. But in the end, I know I don't want to jump head first into the bate hole, because that is not where I want to be, no matter how attractive the promises of pure bliss seem to be, they are mere mirages on the horizon of a confused sexual landscape, full of pitfalls and misguided turns. The costs are just too high. After all, anyone who reads my blog can say that I am a Christian. No matter how much I pretend that I don't want to be one, I still am one. That is the reality I have chosen, that is my belief system. And by making that stand for Christ, I have to accept that there are just limitations to what I can be. Not that I am not more by being with Christ, I just cannot serve two masters, its as simple as that. Masturbation is a gift from God, I have no doubt in my mind about that, no matter what a fundie my tell me. But serving masturbation as my God, as sadly those who are in this most deeply do, is not okay, I have to say it is sin. God is God, and to make something created into a god, is not what we are called to do. Its like me worshiping pizza because I like to eat pizza. Eating pizza is not wrong, but worshiping it is. I was getting close to worshiping something other than God, even the idea of being dumb or horny, or getting horny, getting myself addicted to be more horny...maybe in moderation none of that is "bad", but in a lifestyle excluding all other forms of devotion? Yeah.... you see where I am going. I'll let you know how my feelings are on this subject when I am horny again... maybe some of this will stick?
Thursday, September 13, 2012
Moving On...?
Bate Rate: 0.58939
I thought by now I would be over the whole, let's be dumb thing, but it still factors into my deepest sexual desires. But I must say, as I have been down this road before, I tend to over estimate the real power of hypnosis. I spend the majority of the evening looking at forum posts from a person on WWM site to see how he may have been affected by listening to several files that got me off for the exact reason because I thought they had some kind of permanent effect, they don't, or at least those who continue to post on the site are not effected by them, they move onto other files and interests, as if the effect of the file was not even relevant. I must say that this is comforting to me, because even though I was so drawn to this sexually, the reality is far less effectual. We can't just unlearn things by what we listen, and if we do, it seems to only be temporary and highly variable based on who is listening and how suseptable they are to hypnosis. One thing I will also add before I head to bed, all of this has made me acutely aware of my own learning disability, in a way I am already dumb when I am compared to someone else's standards, so if I think about that shouldn't that be enough to make me feel good about it? Just something to ponder, for me so much of this is not your present state, but the reality that you know you have been changed and that you have lost some kind of control or understanding of your world, that you have become dumb and that feels good as a basis of comparison to your "normal" level.
I purposely did not correct any of my spelling errors, nor do I have the ability to correct them on my own without the spell check...and I know I have two in here with the squiggily red line, to prove I don't know it all, I need to feel "good" for that, but somehow it's just not the same?
I thought by now I would be over the whole, let's be dumb thing, but it still factors into my deepest sexual desires. But I must say, as I have been down this road before, I tend to over estimate the real power of hypnosis. I spend the majority of the evening looking at forum posts from a person on WWM site to see how he may have been affected by listening to several files that got me off for the exact reason because I thought they had some kind of permanent effect, they don't, or at least those who continue to post on the site are not effected by them, they move onto other files and interests, as if the effect of the file was not even relevant. I must say that this is comforting to me, because even though I was so drawn to this sexually, the reality is far less effectual. We can't just unlearn things by what we listen, and if we do, it seems to only be temporary and highly variable based on who is listening and how suseptable they are to hypnosis. One thing I will also add before I head to bed, all of this has made me acutely aware of my own learning disability, in a way I am already dumb when I am compared to someone else's standards, so if I think about that shouldn't that be enough to make me feel good about it? Just something to ponder, for me so much of this is not your present state, but the reality that you know you have been changed and that you have lost some kind of control or understanding of your world, that you have become dumb and that feels good as a basis of comparison to your "normal" level.
I purposely did not correct any of my spelling errors, nor do I have the ability to correct them on my own without the spell check...and I know I have two in here with the squiggily red line, to prove I don't know it all, I need to feel "good" for that, but somehow it's just not the same?
Tuesday, September 11, 2012
Being Dumb is Fun
Bate Rate: 0.57142
In the last 24 hours I have had an emphany of sorts. I went onto a new website, well new for me for awhile, that is the Warpmymind site. Basically devoted to erotic hypnosis files with a special emphasis on diapers and incontenance, but has a ton of other files on there too. I ran across one called "Be Dumb", and for me on a scale of 1 to 10, this is easily an 11 for what turns me on. I know it plays right into my regression desires, but rather than calling it a regression, they call it what it really is, dumbing down. The hypnosis file is very tempting for me to listen too, but I dare not all the way through, as I know it will work on me. I already feel its effects on me, being dumb makes me horny, makes me masturbate. I have no choice but to masturbate when I am dumb. Why I make this connection, I have no clue, but the file has re-inforced this in me, something really deep down. I am already dyslexic, have already been considered dumb in my own thoughts, when it takes me longer to learn new things, to figure things out, and I am always very forgetful. To prove this I am purposely not correcting any misspellings in this post to show my writing level. All I can say is it makes my cock so hard to feel dumb, being dumb is fun, being dumb feels good. It's good to be dumb, its so easy to forget, so easy to feel good and stupid. No expectations, no hard work, no need to think, just feel, just let it happen, just be dumb. Allow your self to slip into it, to feel what it feels like....
Don't worry I wont listen to all of the file, I know I am very suseptible to this, it will effect me. Have no looked at gay porn since 8/30, these files and reading how other guys are being regressed made dumb is enough for me.
In the last 24 hours I have had an emphany of sorts. I went onto a new website, well new for me for awhile, that is the Warpmymind site. Basically devoted to erotic hypnosis files with a special emphasis on diapers and incontenance, but has a ton of other files on there too. I ran across one called "Be Dumb", and for me on a scale of 1 to 10, this is easily an 11 for what turns me on. I know it plays right into my regression desires, but rather than calling it a regression, they call it what it really is, dumbing down. The hypnosis file is very tempting for me to listen too, but I dare not all the way through, as I know it will work on me. I already feel its effects on me, being dumb makes me horny, makes me masturbate. I have no choice but to masturbate when I am dumb. Why I make this connection, I have no clue, but the file has re-inforced this in me, something really deep down. I am already dyslexic, have already been considered dumb in my own thoughts, when it takes me longer to learn new things, to figure things out, and I am always very forgetful. To prove this I am purposely not correcting any misspellings in this post to show my writing level. All I can say is it makes my cock so hard to feel dumb, being dumb is fun, being dumb feels good. It's good to be dumb, its so easy to forget, so easy to feel good and stupid. No expectations, no hard work, no need to think, just feel, just let it happen, just be dumb. Allow your self to slip into it, to feel what it feels like....
Don't worry I wont listen to all of the file, I know I am very suseptible to this, it will effect me. Have no looked at gay porn since 8/30, these files and reading how other guys are being regressed made dumb is enough for me.
Monday, September 10, 2012
Bate World
My Bate Rate: 0.55795
I had originally posted what was below, starting with the quote in the following paragraph earlier today. But then I realized I actually had a comment on my last post from last month. I read it and re-read my last post. I should remember to read my last post before I shoot off whatever is on my mind, because I know when one reads these they will think I am the most indecisive person in the world... One day I am ant-masturbation and then the next time I am all for it! I call this my oscillation, a perpetual see-saw of inhibition and indulgence. I think I am largely guided by my emotions and how horny I find myself at any given moment. I really should not be assuming anything about myself, except that tomorrow I may feel differently... I guess in some ways that is the purpose of this blog, for me to flush out my thoughts and have the internet world read my ramblings... Needless to say, as you will soon easily judge from the rest of this post, I am in a pro-masturbation mood, now transitioned back to the dark side, from my earlier post (the one that was commented on). The culprit this time is a new website populated with solo-sexuals (most likely without partners like myself) who affirm and encourage the practice. That is a HUGE turn on for me, exactly what I have been looking for. So who know, maybe I can be more than a 46% kind of guy? (ref: to my last post)
(Here is what I originally wrote)
"There is no problem that masturbation cannot solve. There is no excuse to not masturbate." These words continue to ring in my head as I read them on a profile page on Bate World last night. Bate Word is yet the next step as I journey deeper into my bate and learn the joys of giving myself over entirely to the practice of self-pleasure. I feel I mostly identify with being a solo sexual person, I have struggled with this my whole life. Why can I never put to rest this masturbation subject? It has become a defining feature for me, the capstone to my sexuality and identity as a sexual being. I have attempted to control it, analyze it, suppress it, support it for years and years. Now has come the time for me to do the one thing I never fully did ever....give into it! Yes, to just let go and allow for my delicious slide into addiction to be complete. Stop fighting, just be, let it be, let it define you, let it consume you, and you will be in bliss.
You will notice that there is a strange number now at the top of this post. This is my "bate rate". So I made a pact with myself at the beginning of the year that I would want to have a "batting average" to play into my baseball fetish, of 1.0. This is calculated by taking the day of the year. Today it is Day 254 and divide it by the number of times I have done it. Just now I finished up my 142nd masturbation session in 2012. That gives the average shown above. As you watch my progress into my addictive state, you will see that number rise. The more I do it, the higher it gets!
All my readers out there, wish me luck! I hope I can get to 1.0 on or before December 31, 2012. My goal is simple. To masturbate 365 times this year (cumming not required). I must say that the site is getting me well on my way to this pleasurable personal goal. Wish me luck!
I had originally posted what was below, starting with the quote in the following paragraph earlier today. But then I realized I actually had a comment on my last post from last month. I read it and re-read my last post. I should remember to read my last post before I shoot off whatever is on my mind, because I know when one reads these they will think I am the most indecisive person in the world... One day I am ant-masturbation and then the next time I am all for it! I call this my oscillation, a perpetual see-saw of inhibition and indulgence. I think I am largely guided by my emotions and how horny I find myself at any given moment. I really should not be assuming anything about myself, except that tomorrow I may feel differently... I guess in some ways that is the purpose of this blog, for me to flush out my thoughts and have the internet world read my ramblings... Needless to say, as you will soon easily judge from the rest of this post, I am in a pro-masturbation mood, now transitioned back to the dark side, from my earlier post (the one that was commented on). The culprit this time is a new website populated with solo-sexuals (most likely without partners like myself) who affirm and encourage the practice. That is a HUGE turn on for me, exactly what I have been looking for. So who know, maybe I can be more than a 46% kind of guy? (ref: to my last post)
(Here is what I originally wrote)
"There is no problem that masturbation cannot solve. There is no excuse to not masturbate." These words continue to ring in my head as I read them on a profile page on Bate World last night. Bate Word is yet the next step as I journey deeper into my bate and learn the joys of giving myself over entirely to the practice of self-pleasure. I feel I mostly identify with being a solo sexual person, I have struggled with this my whole life. Why can I never put to rest this masturbation subject? It has become a defining feature for me, the capstone to my sexuality and identity as a sexual being. I have attempted to control it, analyze it, suppress it, support it for years and years. Now has come the time for me to do the one thing I never fully did ever....give into it! Yes, to just let go and allow for my delicious slide into addiction to be complete. Stop fighting, just be, let it be, let it define you, let it consume you, and you will be in bliss.
You will notice that there is a strange number now at the top of this post. This is my "bate rate". So I made a pact with myself at the beginning of the year that I would want to have a "batting average" to play into my baseball fetish, of 1.0. This is calculated by taking the day of the year. Today it is Day 254 and divide it by the number of times I have done it. Just now I finished up my 142nd masturbation session in 2012. That gives the average shown above. As you watch my progress into my addictive state, you will see that number rise. The more I do it, the higher it gets!
All my readers out there, wish me luck! I hope I can get to 1.0 on or before December 31, 2012. My goal is simple. To masturbate 365 times this year (cumming not required). I must say that the site is getting me well on my way to this pleasurable personal goal. Wish me luck!
Saturday, July 28, 2012
The game is over
Well, I set out to let thing go, to go all out and literally push my body to its limit on what it can do. I was at full steam last Wednesday, when I cam2cam on Skype with a guy that I have gotten to know fairly well. Well I jerked off for him several times, and I have to say after two times with him I was unable to actually cum for him. This was very embarrassing for me, because on the third occasion (on Wednesday) it looked like the same thing was going to happen again; keep in mind the last time I came was on Sunday, so you would think by Wednesday my body would be able to do it. After at least an hour of this, I was unsuccessful. I don't know if it was stage fright or what, but I simply could not do it no matter how hard I tried! I would understand this issue if it was the same day as me blowing my load, but it had been three days! Well finally, after about an hour and 15 mins, maybe, I did it for him, but we did not go at the same time as we had hoped. We have not chatted or spoken on cam since then, which leads me to believe he may have lost interest in me. *_*.
I can't say I'm surprised, this is what happens with internet friendships. I was friends with another guy, who seemed to be into the same things I was into, but he too has left me alone once he gotten to know me and realize that I am not his type. I must say this is for the best, even though it is disappointing. I'm very new to the gay scene, and so I need to find out who I am looking for in a guy and what I really want, and take things slow.
After Wednesday's disappointment, I decided to take a break, not even think about masturbation until my body reminded me about it. I was fine until just now. It's Saturday, so it had been another 2 and half days of nothing. I even did not force myself to cum, just took things easy, and sure enough after about 5 mins I came, looking at some very erotic scenes of three gays going after it in MX gear.
So where are we now? I will not push it anymore. This is exactly where I was before I decided to go after this around June 25-26th. So it has been just over a month, and that is all it took for me to realize that I do not need sex in life all the time, everyday. I need to learn my limits and learn that it is okay to not be addicted, and in fact living that way is not freedom at all, it is being enslaved to yourself. As usual, I should have just listened to my body and realize I need to stay at 46%. The problem is my mind wants to take everything to its extreme, where erotica lives. But the reality is 46% is my magic number. Basically what that means is I jerk off 46% of the time (days/sessions). I am now at 55%, if I masturbated everyday of the year, that would be 100%; more than everyday, like two times a day, would be 200%. I am just a 46% kind of guy and I just need to be cool with that. After all, I need to keep telling myself, it is quality, not quantity that counts.
I can't say I'm surprised, this is what happens with internet friendships. I was friends with another guy, who seemed to be into the same things I was into, but he too has left me alone once he gotten to know me and realize that I am not his type. I must say this is for the best, even though it is disappointing. I'm very new to the gay scene, and so I need to find out who I am looking for in a guy and what I really want, and take things slow.
After Wednesday's disappointment, I decided to take a break, not even think about masturbation until my body reminded me about it. I was fine until just now. It's Saturday, so it had been another 2 and half days of nothing. I even did not force myself to cum, just took things easy, and sure enough after about 5 mins I came, looking at some very erotic scenes of three gays going after it in MX gear.
So where are we now? I will not push it anymore. This is exactly where I was before I decided to go after this around June 25-26th. So it has been just over a month, and that is all it took for me to realize that I do not need sex in life all the time, everyday. I need to learn my limits and learn that it is okay to not be addicted, and in fact living that way is not freedom at all, it is being enslaved to yourself. As usual, I should have just listened to my body and realize I need to stay at 46%. The problem is my mind wants to take everything to its extreme, where erotica lives. But the reality is 46% is my magic number. Basically what that means is I jerk off 46% of the time (days/sessions). I am now at 55%, if I masturbated everyday of the year, that would be 100%; more than everyday, like two times a day, would be 200%. I am just a 46% kind of guy and I just need to be cool with that. After all, I need to keep telling myself, it is quality, not quantity that counts.
Sunday, July 15, 2012
Slowing Down (Second Try)
I told myself, in not too uncertain terms, that I would not be cajoled back into the daily routine of masturbation and porn addiction. I think the old adage, 'be careful what you wish for' is appropriate here. For two days, I told myself, I need to skip a day, not for moral reasons, but for health and my personal need for well balanced behavior. And for two days I failed. You would think this would be an occasion of happiness, I am addicted after all, yay! But it's not like that when you are in it. It hurts when you jack off and you have no spunk to offer in gratitude for the act. It's frustrating to discover that I have spent 3/4th of my day's valuable free time in front of my screen looking at porn and talking with others who care for nothing else but the same.
Despite the wonderful people (and prospects) I have found on line, which have all been great, I regret being in such a funk about it. Today I have determined to not masturbate, which so far as of 2 pm, I'm okay. I have hoped that is will be fine today because I have plenty to do outside of the house. I think that I just need some time away from it all, to get a better perspective at what I want. I need to accept that I am not 16 anymore and cannot, even if I wanted to, masturbate 5 times a day without it affecting me in anyway. I chat with others who do this, and I keep trying to compare myself to them and realize that I cannot keep up, at 36, and I am a bit too tired.
Even though it goes against the purposes of complete freedom, I know for my own sake, I need some guidelines and restrictions, or my involvement will spin more and more out of control. I can see this happening already. I am no longer just masturbating to porn, that is yesterday's news. Now I have graduated to the level of masturbating with others via cam or putting on a show for someone I cannot see, nor could verify his age, although I am fairly confident he was a 32 year old guy from TX. Still, it has been going a little too fast for my comfort and happiness, so I hope that as I carry on on this little experiment of mine, that I will learn that the greatest pleasure comes from those who know how to wait, and resist quantity over quality.
Despite the wonderful people (and prospects) I have found on line, which have all been great, I regret being in such a funk about it. Today I have determined to not masturbate, which so far as of 2 pm, I'm okay. I have hoped that is will be fine today because I have plenty to do outside of the house. I think that I just need some time away from it all, to get a better perspective at what I want. I need to accept that I am not 16 anymore and cannot, even if I wanted to, masturbate 5 times a day without it affecting me in anyway. I chat with others who do this, and I keep trying to compare myself to them and realize that I cannot keep up, at 36, and I am a bit too tired.
Even though it goes against the purposes of complete freedom, I know for my own sake, I need some guidelines and restrictions, or my involvement will spin more and more out of control. I can see this happening already. I am no longer just masturbating to porn, that is yesterday's news. Now I have graduated to the level of masturbating with others via cam or putting on a show for someone I cannot see, nor could verify his age, although I am fairly confident he was a 32 year old guy from TX. Still, it has been going a little too fast for my comfort and happiness, so I hope that as I carry on on this little experiment of mine, that I will learn that the greatest pleasure comes from those who know how to wait, and resist quantity over quality.
Sunday, July 8, 2012
Time to Start Slowing Down
I have just jerked off for the 102nd time in 2012. Yeah, I'm actually keeping track, have been since January 1. I know when I shoot a load, I always feel lousy afterwards, this is the case now. I am beginning to think that I am taking this too far, pushing the limit. I have remained true to the plan, I have heeded every desire, I have recorded every stroke, I have been on more masturbation websites, forums and blogs than I could ever want, and yet I see what addiction is. I am addicted at this point, I sit there quietly watching the Red Bud finals, then flip to the Weather Channel (that ought to keep my mind off of sex, right? No!) So I get onto my computer and start wanking to Xtube videos, all the while feeling incredibly empty and unfulfilled. This is the reality of what I am doing, that giving into my bodily beast, the pleasure seeking within does not ultimately satisfy anything, it is a mirage on the horizon. So I am going to try to hold back some, for my own sake and for the sake of my future orgasms. I have to convince my penis that quality beats quantity. Addiction only dulls the intensity of the pleasure, you get so much of it, it looses its appeal. My addiction fetish has to be squashed, it's just not as fun as I thought it would be.
I have some new gear coming in on Wednesday and some new shoes tomorrow. I hope that I can hold off until they get here and even then take it easy on the porn. I am training myself for bad habits, and I know that I will have to work hard to untrain myself when I realize that this way of living is not going to cut it in the long run. I just have to keep relearning the same old lessens again and again until I get it. I have been going hot and cold with the whole masturbation and porn thing for years. Sometimes, like now, doing everything to encourage it, when at other times feeling guilty for doing it, so I do everything to stop it. I get this self-righteous feeling when I say "never again", but that only last until my horny state demands my attention to my cock. I was tired of being on the merry-go-round. Tired of fighting, and yet I can so clearly see that if I go all the way with this, it is also hurting me, so no matter what I do I cannot be at peace about this. I suppose this is why people get married, so they do not have to fight this battle anymore, they just have sex with their wife. The problem is I am gay and that marriage thing is not going to fly for me. I have yet to find anyone I could spend the rest of my life with, so I just give into auto-erotica instead as the easy substitute to healthy intimate sexuality. So where does this lead me? I really don't know. I think the solution will not be simple. I hate that there has to be a solution, I just wish I could just be and not think about any of this anymore and when I have to urge to do it I just do it and shut up about it. I think that can be the only solution that is left to me now, which ironically is exactly where I was a month ago. I know that the thing that has caused all of this, the upswing in activity, was part of the very masturbation fetish experience I was attracted to, but its fake, it is not real, I have to keep saying that. So the solution really needs to be me not pressing the masturbation fetish issue so deeply and to try to stay away from porn.
The more I think about the more I realize that porn is toxic. It takes what is meant to be good, a sexual experience with another human, and just ruins it with the surface sexual desires and nothing else. Today in church I realized that that is what I have been doing, trying to light the dode flame, which is the flame of passion, erotica, lust, without the flames of true love, friendship and commitment. I hate how on Xtube you can't just watch your video in peace, you have to look at a thousand over sexual encounters in the video ad space, it makes me feel so dirty, I don't want to see naked men raping each other, its just not my thing and here I am watching the eye candy... I'm sorry for ranting like this, but I am just frustrated that I can't seem to be finding the thing I want. I will update you soon, as this thing progresses.
I have some new gear coming in on Wednesday and some new shoes tomorrow. I hope that I can hold off until they get here and even then take it easy on the porn. I am training myself for bad habits, and I know that I will have to work hard to untrain myself when I realize that this way of living is not going to cut it in the long run. I just have to keep relearning the same old lessens again and again until I get it. I have been going hot and cold with the whole masturbation and porn thing for years. Sometimes, like now, doing everything to encourage it, when at other times feeling guilty for doing it, so I do everything to stop it. I get this self-righteous feeling when I say "never again", but that only last until my horny state demands my attention to my cock. I was tired of being on the merry-go-round. Tired of fighting, and yet I can so clearly see that if I go all the way with this, it is also hurting me, so no matter what I do I cannot be at peace about this. I suppose this is why people get married, so they do not have to fight this battle anymore, they just have sex with their wife. The problem is I am gay and that marriage thing is not going to fly for me. I have yet to find anyone I could spend the rest of my life with, so I just give into auto-erotica instead as the easy substitute to healthy intimate sexuality. So where does this lead me? I really don't know. I think the solution will not be simple. I hate that there has to be a solution, I just wish I could just be and not think about any of this anymore and when I have to urge to do it I just do it and shut up about it. I think that can be the only solution that is left to me now, which ironically is exactly where I was a month ago. I know that the thing that has caused all of this, the upswing in activity, was part of the very masturbation fetish experience I was attracted to, but its fake, it is not real, I have to keep saying that. So the solution really needs to be me not pressing the masturbation fetish issue so deeply and to try to stay away from porn.
The more I think about the more I realize that porn is toxic. It takes what is meant to be good, a sexual experience with another human, and just ruins it with the surface sexual desires and nothing else. Today in church I realized that that is what I have been doing, trying to light the dode flame, which is the flame of passion, erotica, lust, without the flames of true love, friendship and commitment. I hate how on Xtube you can't just watch your video in peace, you have to look at a thousand over sexual encounters in the video ad space, it makes me feel so dirty, I don't want to see naked men raping each other, its just not my thing and here I am watching the eye candy... I'm sorry for ranting like this, but I am just frustrated that I can't seem to be finding the thing I want. I will update you soon, as this thing progresses.
Saturday, June 30, 2012
Deep into porn
Well I asked for it and now I got it! My plan, absolute freedom, and listening to the cries of my cock has pushed me further into this than I think I ever have been in before, in fact I am honestly getting worried that I am going to far with this freedom concept, that anything goes. But oh, it is good and feels good too. One thing that has come out of this experience is my newly discovered love for MX gear. I went ahead and bought a Shift outfit, jersey, gloves, and pants, I will look like a real MX hero now, except no boots or helmet, or bike! But I think those will come in time, when I start getting serious about dirt bikes and doing this as a hobby, I will already be set as far as gear goes. I feel I have more to say, more to unpack about these changes, but it is hard to analyze the storm when you are in the midst of it. My plan for the freedom games is to go until my left thumb nail has no mark. Months ago, I injured my left hand thumb nail and there is this blood spot under the nail, all black. I have been watching it move up closer and closer until it is cut off at my nail's edge. My plan is to keep going with this until all the blackness is gone from my nail, I'm guessing about a month and a half, then I will do more analysis as to what I need to be doing. I am calling this phase "Absolute Freedom 2012: The Nail Games"
Tuesday, June 26, 2012
Addicted to Jesus
I am not sure why this was never published, but it is now. This was wriiten on 1/10/12
I have had an interesting morning. Last night I came to the point where I knew things were out of control. I continued to look at porn, even though I really was just looking for what sites are out there. I told myself that I would not masturbate even though I sort of wanted to. Well after looking at some great soccer and short sites, I couldn't resist and I got my soccer stuff on and then went to town on my cock.3
So then after I came, I read about how to stop and I realized that what I really need to be is addicted to Jesus. I think I am drawn in by this idea of addiction, addiction to pleasure. I have gotten it into my head that somehow being totally addicted to say masturbation or even by extension porn is reaching some higher plain of pleasure, that it is good that I want more that I can keep on experiencing more. I have even read on blogs and forum posts about people's addiction to the bate and how they get stupid on their cocks. This has seemed appealing, especially the term "stupid" as that plays right into the regression tendencies I have.
What I have realized is, and this is hard to accept, is that all of that is a lie. Even if the people who wrote those things really believed them, they themselves are deceived. It even says in the scripture, that God will give them over to their sin and they will be deceived. I have been deceived by Satan. I have believed the lie, because I wanted it to be true. I wanted, and still want really, to reach a level of masturbatory bliss, where it is so incredibly good. But there are problems with this, this is what the lie is all about.
Problem 1: Time. Doing this takes up a lot of your time and even if you are not doing it you are thinking about doing it again. You are on porn sites for hours feeding your lust for more masturbation, further increasing the addiction.
Problem 2: God. Doing this is replacing God and worshiping another in His place. The upshot is that you relationship with Gos is distanced, cold and not real anymore. You are alone and do not feel the power of the Holy Spirit.
Problem 3:
So then after I came, I read about how to stop and I realized that what I really need to be is addicted to Jesus. I think I am drawn in by this idea of addiction, addiction to pleasure. I have gotten it into my head that somehow being totally addicted to say masturbation or even by extension porn is reaching some higher plain of pleasure, that it is good that I want more that I can keep on experiencing more. I have even read on blogs and forum posts about people's addiction to the bate and how they get stupid on their cocks. This has seemed appealing, especially the term "stupid" as that plays right into the regression tendencies I have.
What I have realized is, and this is hard to accept, is that all of that is a lie. Even if the people who wrote those things really believed them, they themselves are deceived. It even says in the scripture, that God will give them over to their sin and they will be deceived. I have been deceived by Satan. I have believed the lie, because I wanted it to be true. I wanted, and still want really, to reach a level of masturbatory bliss, where it is so incredibly good. But there are problems with this, this is what the lie is all about.
Problem 1: Time. Doing this takes up a lot of your time and even if you are not doing it you are thinking about doing it again. You are on porn sites for hours feeding your lust for more masturbation, further increasing the addiction.
Problem 2: God. Doing this is replacing God and worshiping another in His place. The upshot is that you relationship with Gos is distanced, cold and not real anymore. You are alone and do not feel the power of the Holy Spirit.
Problem 3:
Update on the "M" issue
I am not sure why this was never published, but it is now....
I know I said last time that I needed to do a manifesto on the looming questions of masturbation. I admit I have had no motivation to do this so far. I didn't think I would do an update today, but this always seems to be the case. I have once again looked at some porn, mainly out of need to limit it, believe it or not. I went onto some of my yahoo groups and have finally ended the insane policy of getting endless e-mail on everyone's j/o sessions, fantasies, advertisements, and other obscenities that seems to be commonplace within the dark crevices of the inter web. What I am proud to report is I was not tempted once to masturbate while in this exercise. My goal today was to simply clear out my inbox of all of these messages. I sense now that my mini obsession is waning on its own, thank goodness. This is evidenced more at my growing disgust at the stories the pure filth
Descent into Absolute Freedom
After I wrote yesterday's blog, I have to say I was left with an unsatisfied spirit. As if I had something still unresolved that I needed to address. Honestly, what it was was that I have explored my desires in a new way (through this blog) and they were fresh on my mind all morning. In fact, I wanted to try to find some way to write a second follow-up blog while at work, but I dismissed the idea as not appropriate.
So at around mid morning, I can't say exactly when, I decided something about all of this. I should just give in to the desires and not hold anything back. I think the biggest thing holding this tension, and honestly dissatisfaction, is fear. I have fear that somehow I am disappointing God by doing what I desire, but perfect love casts out all fear. We are to have a fear of the Lord, but I can't be living like this, constantly on the edge of knife, I have decided to take the path of least resistance and become a goon.
Now there are still consequences that I cannot control, limitations no matter what I have resolved for myself in my heart. Physically I can only do so much of this. Right now, you would think I would be hard as a rock again with this admission that it is okay to engage into whatever turns me on, but I am not. I unloaded last night on my Fox racing jersey (so hot!), so I am spent for the time being, but I know that by tonight or tomorrow at the latest, I will be ready again for some action. So physically I will be limited in how much of this I can do.
Secondly, it is time. I do not want to have to face the consequences of actually changing my involvement with church, friends, and other activities, i.e. yoga, for the sake of masturbation. Not only do I further isolate myself, I think it truly is unhealthy by anyone's standards. To allow one's life to so be fully consumed by masturbation is sad, unhealthy, and--yes--immoral.
Thirdly, it is money. I don't often think about money when I talk about masturbation, but it is actually a factor. Not only do a lot of sites now require you to pay for content, or pay for your membership, there is the factor of buying gear. One of the biggest turn rushes for me, that will always be there, is the excitement of masturbating in something new. I still have the desire to buy new shoes, get MX pants, maybe buy more diapers, the list goes on and on, but my bank account does not. So in the simplest terms, this too, is a limitation that is out of my control. I think the easiest way around this is to simply budget an account solely for this activity and not feel guilty for using the funds placed therein. That way I know I have the money (or do NOT have the money) to buy something new to play in.
Fourthly, it is my faith and morality, the great inhibitors to full pleasure and release, right? Well I am taking a different approach to this, a more yogic one where I just want to play for a bit, see where it takes me. I did something similar to this before, in the past, when I allowed myself full access to any kind of porn, without any moral guilt, for a week, then I journaled about the experience. It was interesting, what I found was at first I went bonkers and had a ball looking at everything and masturbating to porn, but rather than getting more and more into it and addicted, if you will, I found myself pulling away from it on my own, at the end. I had this odd confidence, knowing I had full access, but did not need it, it was just nice to have the freedom to choose what I wanted to see and how much of it.
I plan to make a plan in my Athletic Journal on the exact parameters of this new phase. I have done similar plans in the past that encourage masturbation, but in the end these plans do not succeed because so much of masturbation and getting horny has to do with my body's needs not some artificial structure that intends to train it into something it is not, that is unhealthy, it needs to run free, not forced masturbation, nor inhibited masturbation, just go at my own pace, my level. (The trick to increase pleasure, though, is learning how to not unload at every session, but allow the sessions to build my desires.) The difference now is that I will not feel guilty anymore if I happen upon something that turns me on and at the same time has questionable moral implications, at least for a undetermined time period, I am thinking about a month or so. My desires and my body will dictate what I look at and how often I will do it, although it would be fun to set up some personal challenges, i.e. the masturbation Olympics! I have done that before, and it was kinda fun to do.
As I mentioned, this phase will not go on forever, it will be reined in once more after my time period of absolute freedom has elapsed. In fact, I think that is what I will call this new plan, Absolute Freedom 2012. The goal is to do whatever my penis tells me to do, let it be boss of me, rather than I of it. Now that is making me hard now! Ha, just when I thought I could do no more, its time to roll again. But before I log off, I do want to underscore that this is TEMPORARILY! I do not want to turn my back on to God, I just want to see what it is like to go all the way for a bit, see what its like to give into the pleasure, then once I am there and see it for what it is, then I will determine how God is supreme in my new lifestyle. I will continue to pray for peace as I go through this process of opening up to myself. I have to say this realization is making me very happy, until next time happy gooning!
So at around mid morning, I can't say exactly when, I decided something about all of this. I should just give in to the desires and not hold anything back. I think the biggest thing holding this tension, and honestly dissatisfaction, is fear. I have fear that somehow I am disappointing God by doing what I desire, but perfect love casts out all fear. We are to have a fear of the Lord, but I can't be living like this, constantly on the edge of knife, I have decided to take the path of least resistance and become a goon.
Now there are still consequences that I cannot control, limitations no matter what I have resolved for myself in my heart. Physically I can only do so much of this. Right now, you would think I would be hard as a rock again with this admission that it is okay to engage into whatever turns me on, but I am not. I unloaded last night on my Fox racing jersey (so hot!), so I am spent for the time being, but I know that by tonight or tomorrow at the latest, I will be ready again for some action. So physically I will be limited in how much of this I can do.
Secondly, it is time. I do not want to have to face the consequences of actually changing my involvement with church, friends, and other activities, i.e. yoga, for the sake of masturbation. Not only do I further isolate myself, I think it truly is unhealthy by anyone's standards. To allow one's life to so be fully consumed by masturbation is sad, unhealthy, and--yes--immoral.
Thirdly, it is money. I don't often think about money when I talk about masturbation, but it is actually a factor. Not only do a lot of sites now require you to pay for content, or pay for your membership, there is the factor of buying gear. One of the biggest turn rushes for me, that will always be there, is the excitement of masturbating in something new. I still have the desire to buy new shoes, get MX pants, maybe buy more diapers, the list goes on and on, but my bank account does not. So in the simplest terms, this too, is a limitation that is out of my control. I think the easiest way around this is to simply budget an account solely for this activity and not feel guilty for using the funds placed therein. That way I know I have the money (or do NOT have the money) to buy something new to play in.
Fourthly, it is my faith and morality, the great inhibitors to full pleasure and release, right? Well I am taking a different approach to this, a more yogic one where I just want to play for a bit, see where it takes me. I did something similar to this before, in the past, when I allowed myself full access to any kind of porn, without any moral guilt, for a week, then I journaled about the experience. It was interesting, what I found was at first I went bonkers and had a ball looking at everything and masturbating to porn, but rather than getting more and more into it and addicted, if you will, I found myself pulling away from it on my own, at the end. I had this odd confidence, knowing I had full access, but did not need it, it was just nice to have the freedom to choose what I wanted to see and how much of it.
I plan to make a plan in my Athletic Journal on the exact parameters of this new phase. I have done similar plans in the past that encourage masturbation, but in the end these plans do not succeed because so much of masturbation and getting horny has to do with my body's needs not some artificial structure that intends to train it into something it is not, that is unhealthy, it needs to run free, not forced masturbation, nor inhibited masturbation, just go at my own pace, my level. (The trick to increase pleasure, though, is learning how to not unload at every session, but allow the sessions to build my desires.) The difference now is that I will not feel guilty anymore if I happen upon something that turns me on and at the same time has questionable moral implications, at least for a undetermined time period, I am thinking about a month or so. My desires and my body will dictate what I look at and how often I will do it, although it would be fun to set up some personal challenges, i.e. the masturbation Olympics! I have done that before, and it was kinda fun to do.
As I mentioned, this phase will not go on forever, it will be reined in once more after my time period of absolute freedom has elapsed. In fact, I think that is what I will call this new plan, Absolute Freedom 2012. The goal is to do whatever my penis tells me to do, let it be boss of me, rather than I of it. Now that is making me hard now! Ha, just when I thought I could do no more, its time to roll again. But before I log off, I do want to underscore that this is TEMPORARILY! I do not want to turn my back on to God, I just want to see what it is like to go all the way for a bit, see what its like to give into the pleasure, then once I am there and see it for what it is, then I will determine how God is supreme in my new lifestyle. I will continue to pray for peace as I go through this process of opening up to myself. I have to say this realization is making me very happy, until next time happy gooning!
Monday, June 25, 2012
Two Years Later
I can't believe how time flies. It has been two years since I last used this blog, to be honest I kind of forgot about it. I moved on and began to use other resources, or even worse I simply carried on with my life with no efforts to record anything about my personal experiences growth or regression. I think this is actually a pretty bad thing to have happen. When I don't record what I'm doing and thinking I avoid personal growth and end up in the same place I was two years ago, and considering my track record, two years from now I will still be wresting with the same old struggles.
This is the picture as I know it, and I will say that there is a lot packed into this. I know that I have covered many--if not all-- of these topics in older posts, but I think for the sake of clarity and updating my position, I will once again go over this again.
Two years ago, I wanted to dive right into the pleasure, to get addicted, like my last post indicated. To throw all caution to the wind and engage into a journey of masturbatory pleasures. Even as I write these words my penis is rock hard and I'm masturbating. This is the desire, the dream, to get drunk on my penis and all it has to offer to me, to give into its desires and to continue to give it more and more, until I reach some new plane of bate bliss, until I goon. To be honest, I almost have to shoot off a load just to be able to think rationally about the problems with total surrender to my fetishes. I will do my best to think now, because I don't want to shoot just yet.
I re-read my last blog entry and I am amazing that two years ago I came to the realization of the condition I presently find myself in. Namely that, among my many other fetishes, I have a masturbation fetish and an addiction fetish. I have since come to realize that I also have something else, that is very disturbing, I have a blasphemy fetish too. This is when I get off seeing others masturbate as a result of losing their faith, or even darker, masturbating or having sex as part of some kind of satanic rite. You would be surprised how much of the later is on the net, although I have not really found anything on ex-christian.net of someone entering into masturbation as a result of them no longer being a Baptist. I think the desire there is the false idea that Christianity prohibits all forms of pleasures, especially when it comes to masturbation and fetishes, and so by walking away from your faith it is some kind of form of liberation from these perceived inhibitors to true sexual expression and indulgence. This is of course a fetish built on false ideas about Christianity, that somehow the two are no compatible. I have worked very hard over the past few years to come to the point where I think God can and does accept me as a masturbator, or--in other words--that masturbation in its purest form as an act is not a sin.
Nonetheless, I see faith, religion, rites/ rituals, even rules promoting and encouraging masturbation, or simply sexual indulgences as a huge turn on, in fact one of the strongest I have. I have no idea what makes one fetish stronger than the others or why I am a fetishist in the first place. I can say that my sexuality is evolving as time goes on. There is also a very strong addiction cycle too, which in and of itself is yet another turn on for me. The more you engage in masturbation and porn the better it gets. That is basically the principle. I find its true, you come to crave it more and more as time goes on. Take this morning, for instance, I was up at 5:15 AM, because I could not get thoughts out of my head relating to what I am writing down now. This is why I am adding a new entry today after two years of silence. It has built up in my mind, and I have to unload somewhere, no pun intended.
So where does all of this lead me? I am not sure exactly. The struggle, as I alluded to at the start of this entry, is where is the balance. Living on the balance is very hard. My body, my desires, my fetishes that feed my desires all shout the same commands again and again, JUST DO IT! Do it, and then do it some more, this IS what addiction is. Addiction has some promises, that the more you are addicted, the more you "need" it, the better it gets. I can't even objectively talk about this fetish without eliciting some kind of physical response, my penis awaking, getting excited. But I know I cannot go all the way with this. The same reason why I could not go all the way with one of my old desires, to wear diapers 24/7 and to loose potty training. Again this is an off shoot of the same concept, just a little different. The turn on is not addiction to masturbation, but loosing control, and the idea that a penis out of control, reliant on a diapers, is somehow more excitable and easier pleased. That was the fantasy, but the issue with life is we, or at least I, cannot live out a fantasy. There are so many roadblocks. The costs in time, money, lack of friends, lack of relationships, the hypocrisy of my faith, the list go on and on. There are consequences to my actions, no matter how much the fetish fantasy demands that I disregard these consequences. I have made choices in my life, that I want to abide by. I made a choice to be a Christian. And in so doing, I need to make GOD number one and not my penis or my own lusts. As much as I want all of this to be on one plain, they cannot be reconciled. To live out my addictive life of masturbatory bliss and worship of cock (my own and seeing others) would cause me to loose my faith. Jesus said we cannot serve to masters, either we would love one and hate the other, but we cannot love both. He used it in the context of money, but lust and self worship is about the same as well. This is the smell of sin, even if the specifics of these desires are not spelled out in the Bible, in my heart I know I want to go down a dangerous path that, maybe in a weird kind of way, has contributed to my new blasphemy fetish, that my desire is to loose control and the only thing stopping it IS my faith, so then the fetish that others have made that choice and choose their penises is the turn on, why would it not be, the penis won the battle and became the new god.
To be sure, there are a lot of blogs and even some websites that speak of cock as god that are essential sites of worship and devotion, and they claim that the reward of this devotion to cock is utter bliss. I can see this is the logic, the problem is, it is decidedly evil. I mean even if I am a liberal Christian, okay with masturbation, there are still limits, how can I on Sunday Morning take communion and call Jesus my God and then come home and say, "no its actually my penis, lets worship him and make it happy again..." It just does not work like that. I have to make a choice, and I know I have made this choice many times before, but I have to make it and say NO. I am going with the one true God, not the instrument of procreation and sex. God is part of that process, He invented it, but He wants us to worship him directly, not the thing he made to make us want to have sex.
So here we are again, life on the edge. Not in the edging practice, but on the edge of healthy recreation and obsessive worship and idolatry and lust. Religion is the great inhibitor here, if I was not a Christian, I wonder how far I would go into this, but then again the whole blasphemy fetish thing would loose its meaning and would not be a turn on, but a curiosity. I know I am rambling on, I did not set up an outline for this entry, I am only spilling out my thoughts onto a screen. In my heart, I know where I can go and where I cannot go. I just need to heed that little voice, the Holy Spirit, and realize I can't have it all, as much as I want it. There is more that needs to be said, and it will be covered, but for now I need to sign off. This has helped, I know writing it down always does.
This is the picture as I know it, and I will say that there is a lot packed into this. I know that I have covered many--if not all-- of these topics in older posts, but I think for the sake of clarity and updating my position, I will once again go over this again.
Two years ago, I wanted to dive right into the pleasure, to get addicted, like my last post indicated. To throw all caution to the wind and engage into a journey of masturbatory pleasures. Even as I write these words my penis is rock hard and I'm masturbating. This is the desire, the dream, to get drunk on my penis and all it has to offer to me, to give into its desires and to continue to give it more and more, until I reach some new plane of bate bliss, until I goon. To be honest, I almost have to shoot off a load just to be able to think rationally about the problems with total surrender to my fetishes. I will do my best to think now, because I don't want to shoot just yet.
I re-read my last blog entry and I am amazing that two years ago I came to the realization of the condition I presently find myself in. Namely that, among my many other fetishes, I have a masturbation fetish and an addiction fetish. I have since come to realize that I also have something else, that is very disturbing, I have a blasphemy fetish too. This is when I get off seeing others masturbate as a result of losing their faith, or even darker, masturbating or having sex as part of some kind of satanic rite. You would be surprised how much of the later is on the net, although I have not really found anything on ex-christian.net of someone entering into masturbation as a result of them no longer being a Baptist. I think the desire there is the false idea that Christianity prohibits all forms of pleasures, especially when it comes to masturbation and fetishes, and so by walking away from your faith it is some kind of form of liberation from these perceived inhibitors to true sexual expression and indulgence. This is of course a fetish built on false ideas about Christianity, that somehow the two are no compatible. I have worked very hard over the past few years to come to the point where I think God can and does accept me as a masturbator, or--in other words--that masturbation in its purest form as an act is not a sin.
Nonetheless, I see faith, religion, rites/ rituals, even rules promoting and encouraging masturbation, or simply sexual indulgences as a huge turn on, in fact one of the strongest I have. I have no idea what makes one fetish stronger than the others or why I am a fetishist in the first place. I can say that my sexuality is evolving as time goes on. There is also a very strong addiction cycle too, which in and of itself is yet another turn on for me. The more you engage in masturbation and porn the better it gets. That is basically the principle. I find its true, you come to crave it more and more as time goes on. Take this morning, for instance, I was up at 5:15 AM, because I could not get thoughts out of my head relating to what I am writing down now. This is why I am adding a new entry today after two years of silence. It has built up in my mind, and I have to unload somewhere, no pun intended.
So where does all of this lead me? I am not sure exactly. The struggle, as I alluded to at the start of this entry, is where is the balance. Living on the balance is very hard. My body, my desires, my fetishes that feed my desires all shout the same commands again and again, JUST DO IT! Do it, and then do it some more, this IS what addiction is. Addiction has some promises, that the more you are addicted, the more you "need" it, the better it gets. I can't even objectively talk about this fetish without eliciting some kind of physical response, my penis awaking, getting excited. But I know I cannot go all the way with this. The same reason why I could not go all the way with one of my old desires, to wear diapers 24/7 and to loose potty training. Again this is an off shoot of the same concept, just a little different. The turn on is not addiction to masturbation, but loosing control, and the idea that a penis out of control, reliant on a diapers, is somehow more excitable and easier pleased. That was the fantasy, but the issue with life is we, or at least I, cannot live out a fantasy. There are so many roadblocks. The costs in time, money, lack of friends, lack of relationships, the hypocrisy of my faith, the list go on and on. There are consequences to my actions, no matter how much the fetish fantasy demands that I disregard these consequences. I have made choices in my life, that I want to abide by. I made a choice to be a Christian. And in so doing, I need to make GOD number one and not my penis or my own lusts. As much as I want all of this to be on one plain, they cannot be reconciled. To live out my addictive life of masturbatory bliss and worship of cock (my own and seeing others) would cause me to loose my faith. Jesus said we cannot serve to masters, either we would love one and hate the other, but we cannot love both. He used it in the context of money, but lust and self worship is about the same as well. This is the smell of sin, even if the specifics of these desires are not spelled out in the Bible, in my heart I know I want to go down a dangerous path that, maybe in a weird kind of way, has contributed to my new blasphemy fetish, that my desire is to loose control and the only thing stopping it IS my faith, so then the fetish that others have made that choice and choose their penises is the turn on, why would it not be, the penis won the battle and became the new god.
To be sure, there are a lot of blogs and even some websites that speak of cock as god that are essential sites of worship and devotion, and they claim that the reward of this devotion to cock is utter bliss. I can see this is the logic, the problem is, it is decidedly evil. I mean even if I am a liberal Christian, okay with masturbation, there are still limits, how can I on Sunday Morning take communion and call Jesus my God and then come home and say, "no its actually my penis, lets worship him and make it happy again..." It just does not work like that. I have to make a choice, and I know I have made this choice many times before, but I have to make it and say NO. I am going with the one true God, not the instrument of procreation and sex. God is part of that process, He invented it, but He wants us to worship him directly, not the thing he made to make us want to have sex.
So here we are again, life on the edge. Not in the edging practice, but on the edge of healthy recreation and obsessive worship and idolatry and lust. Religion is the great inhibitor here, if I was not a Christian, I wonder how far I would go into this, but then again the whole blasphemy fetish thing would loose its meaning and would not be a turn on, but a curiosity. I know I am rambling on, I did not set up an outline for this entry, I am only spilling out my thoughts onto a screen. In my heart, I know where I can go and where I cannot go. I just need to heed that little voice, the Holy Spirit, and realize I can't have it all, as much as I want it. There is more that needs to be said, and it will be covered, but for now I need to sign off. This has helped, I know writing it down always does.
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