A Return to Normalcy

Bate Rate:  0.595531

I have come down from the high of "being dumb" or whatever that meant to me.  I have found that there are not that many places, other than the comment section in these hypnosis files, where I can easily get off.  It's not like I can see videos, or at least I have no idea where these would be, of guys getting dumb and horny at the same time, although such a thing would interest me to no end...  Nonetheless, that phase is fading now as it is no longer anything new to me.  My backwards slide towards a more typical less nyphomanical masturbation rate and practice was further enhanced over the weekend by my insanely busy schedule and a rather puritanical stand up comedy routine, I will not post the comedian's name for privacy reasons, but he had this effect of making me feel very sorry for how I have been behaving...  Just the little push I needed to think that this game I'm playing is not worth it.  Addictive auto-aroused hyper-sexuality is not all it is cracked up to be.  It requires a devotion beyond that of any other human occupation and the people engaged in it have foregone all their social skills, unless you are goading them on to increase their desired vices and addictions.  Is that what I want for myself?  Again we have the constant struggle against what is hot vs. what is pragmatic.  My great oscillation, once again, turning around to my personal morality.

I know that I will again want some of this back, there is no way to turn my Hyde off, no matter how much Dr. Jekyll medicates him, guilts him into submission.  But in the end, I know I don't want to jump head first into the bate hole, because that is not where I want to be, no matter how attractive the promises of pure bliss seem to be, they are mere mirages on the horizon of a confused sexual landscape, full of pitfalls and misguided turns.   The costs are just too high.  After all, anyone who reads my blog can say that I am a Christian.  No matter how much I pretend that I don't want to be one, I still am one.  That is the reality I have chosen, that is my belief system.  And by making that stand for Christ, I have to accept that there are just limitations to what I can be.  Not that I am not more by being with Christ, I just cannot serve two masters, its as simple as that.  Masturbation is a gift from God, I have no doubt in my mind about that, no matter what a fundie my tell me.  But serving masturbation as my God, as sadly those who are in this most deeply do, is not okay, I have to say it is sin.  God is God, and to make something created into a god, is not what we are called to do.  Its like me worshiping pizza because I like to eat pizza.  Eating pizza is not wrong, but worshiping it is.  I was getting close to worshiping something other than God, even the idea of being dumb or horny, or getting horny, getting myself addicted to be more horny...maybe in moderation none of that is "bad", but in a lifestyle excluding all other forms of devotion?  Yeah.... you see where I am going.  I'll let you know how my feelings are on this subject when I am horny again... maybe some of this will stick?