Wow, I have changed a lot in the last few weeks. I think last time I mentioned that I'm no longer able to get onto xtube, which is really quite annoying since that is the only free website that has free videos of guys jacking in sports gear. I crave seeing rubberfirefighters "trail suck" again or something like it. I became a subscriber of gear fetish, which has really gotten me started since there is a lot of material on there, I could be on there all morning if I didn't have a life. But I want more, you see the pictures are not enough anymore. I want live action video and I want to see guys getting off, not just nice pics of their gear.
I have learned that I have a masturbation and addiction fetish, not to be confused with a fetish addiction. The addiction itself is the fetish. This is something I have not really broken out before, but it makes perfect sense. Reading about my love of "priapus" was all about the addiction, the "decent into masturbatory worship" the "giving into it" the Dave Mathews Band blog about the masturbation contest and seeing one of the participants, Adam, literally become addicted through his posts. So I run through the blog rolls since that is the only easy access I still have. There is plenty of content, trust me. So many blogs devoted to gay sex and masturbation, there must be at least 100 out there if not more.
I woke up today craving the blogs, wanting to jack off again. I have been consistent, doing it about 2-3 times daily now, since about a week ago. Last Sunday I did it 6 times! Yeah I get off, get hard, work it for a few minutes, and then stop, wait and start all over again. It's this addiction contest, who can get addicted the fastest, me or Mark Green. I checked in with my friend and he had gone 25 times only 10 days into August, I can't compete with that! Boy he really is so addicted, that is so hot!
I've seen so much porn today already, so much flesh. I thought I would have more self control, but I know I don't. Its so easy to give into the bate, to get deep into the bate and edge for hours. Even now my penis is reacting, getting larger in the excitement of maybe another session.
This is what addiction is. I can feel it now, I can see how other get into it. You just don't stop, you keep going, keep pursuing it, you keep getting deeper into the bate. But am I happy? The answer is no.
Doing this is obviously not what God wants, at least not to the point in which I have done it, the images I have seen. There is a blog however, for Christian masturbaters. I found it exciting at first that there are others out there just like me, others that have faith, that have a conscious, that are not totally depraved and given over to their sin. I will continue to seek comfort and guidance as I read that blog, a light in the darkness.
So far this month I'm at 27 times in 14 days. Looks pretty clear that I will make it 31 times. This is a new level of involvement. I'll be curious how far I allow myself to go. More later.
Saturday, August 14, 2010
Friday, August 6, 2010
No more Xtube!!!
Ok, so a lot has happen in the last few months. I have been meaning to add an entry to this blog for some time now, but have never gotten around to it. Where to begin. Today, or rather, this month has been interesting on the masturbation front, which in all reality is the reason I started this blog in the first place. I wanted a place where I can write down my thoughts in an anonymous format so I could process and reflect. I somehow got this idea while I was on this cruise, that I needed to play another masturbation game with myself. This was rather simple. Masturbate 31 times in 31 days, basically all of the month of August. Why on earth do I want to do this? Well the first reason was to see if I could, sort of a "challenge". I seem to have no doubt at all that it is possible. So far I have gone 5 times in the last 8 days, not a bad start huh? I started this game on the third! LOL.
So ok, I'm going to play this game. Well it seems only natural that in order for me to be able to build up the desire and need to masturbate once a day (usually cumming, as I have done not 15 minutes ago) that I need to get "horned up" Make myself horny. This is a fun process for sure. The issue I ran across when I got home was NetDog, my pron filter, which I added xtube to to block. I felt great about this at the time until I mistakenly made such an obscure password, which was intentional so I could not break it in moments of lust, that I cannot bypass it. Even if I try to remove it, it wont go off without the stupid pass. I have come to terms with myself that compared to some really hardcore pron out there that is made by porn stars, what I'm after is mild. I don't want to see naked women having sex or masturbating, I don't really care to see guys having sex either, to be honest. I know its hard core and not right to see. All I want to see is the 23 year old guy in soccer gear jerking off, is that so bad? Or a guy in basketball shorts, or two guys having dirt bike sex, okay I know that is going hard core there but I have to say it looked really good, I mean the gear, not the sex. I want to see other guys like me masturbating in their gear and hot sneakers.
The great thing about xtube is it is made up of armature videos, people like me, who are not out there to make money, just to show off their gear on camera. That is what I miss and there seems to be no way I can get that back. I went to Redtube (horrible porn site) and then to a smattering of others that seem to be more gay focused than gear focused. I finally settled on gaytube, looking at what came up under "basketball shorts, they only had three videos and none of them were really all that good.
I know these sentiments are a departure from where I have been on this issue in the past. I know I have always tried to seek a level of balance when it comes to masturbation and porn. But there are times when I just want to go back to xtube and see my old videos again. I guess the only real solution is just for me to go ahead and buy a new computer. But in the mean time I need to learn to live without this stuff. Thank goodness I still have access to gear fetish, the only real site out there for people who are into gear more than just guys.
There is something else too, something deeper that is lurking inside wanting to be born into words, into reality. I have doubts again about my path when it comes to masturbation on looking on line. I feel in so many ways I'm leading a double life or something. I am going to sponsor someone for baptism this Sunday and all I can think about it getting on line so I can get off. I regret that. Its this game you see. It was born out of a jet lagged mind in an airplane. I just thought of it out of the blue and then it became an reality. I don't want to stop, because then this game will end up like the rest, a wasted effort. I fail at all my masturbation plans, whether they are to stop or to start. Why is that? Why is it that I have no resolve? Is it that my body just can't do it? That I lack the stamina to do games and yet I cannot go forever not playing with myself.
So here is the hard part. I need to look again at limits. I know I can't add or delete what my porn blocker can block, I literally have no control over it. So this one is just going to have to come from my own desire to do what is right, to walk in Christ. No more explicit gay porn. Yeah that means no gay tube or any of that...err. So it will come down to only gearfetish.com or some gear fetish styled videos...many of which are on youtube, so maybe that will be it? Also, I really need to just cool it when it comes to masturbating. Yeah yeah I know the game will be spoiled, but I can take a day off and then masturbate twice the next day...so its not impossible to do it. But I think, one again, this is becoming bigger than I wanted it to be. It has become a consumption of my time. This is especially unhealthy for my walk with Christ. Where my penis is the main focus, not God. That is wrong, I know it. So....I will not give up, but I will not try as hard with this game...I hope this helps.
So ok, I'm going to play this game. Well it seems only natural that in order for me to be able to build up the desire and need to masturbate once a day (usually cumming, as I have done not 15 minutes ago) that I need to get "horned up" Make myself horny. This is a fun process for sure. The issue I ran across when I got home was NetDog, my pron filter, which I added xtube to to block. I felt great about this at the time until I mistakenly made such an obscure password, which was intentional so I could not break it in moments of lust, that I cannot bypass it. Even if I try to remove it, it wont go off without the stupid pass. I have come to terms with myself that compared to some really hardcore pron out there that is made by porn stars, what I'm after is mild. I don't want to see naked women having sex or masturbating, I don't really care to see guys having sex either, to be honest. I know its hard core and not right to see. All I want to see is the 23 year old guy in soccer gear jerking off, is that so bad? Or a guy in basketball shorts, or two guys having dirt bike sex, okay I know that is going hard core there but I have to say it looked really good, I mean the gear, not the sex. I want to see other guys like me masturbating in their gear and hot sneakers.
The great thing about xtube is it is made up of armature videos, people like me, who are not out there to make money, just to show off their gear on camera. That is what I miss and there seems to be no way I can get that back. I went to Redtube (horrible porn site) and then to a smattering of others that seem to be more gay focused than gear focused. I finally settled on gaytube, looking at what came up under "basketball shorts, they only had three videos and none of them were really all that good.
I know these sentiments are a departure from where I have been on this issue in the past. I know I have always tried to seek a level of balance when it comes to masturbation and porn. But there are times when I just want to go back to xtube and see my old videos again. I guess the only real solution is just for me to go ahead and buy a new computer. But in the mean time I need to learn to live without this stuff. Thank goodness I still have access to gear fetish, the only real site out there for people who are into gear more than just guys.
There is something else too, something deeper that is lurking inside wanting to be born into words, into reality. I have doubts again about my path when it comes to masturbation on looking on line. I feel in so many ways I'm leading a double life or something. I am going to sponsor someone for baptism this Sunday and all I can think about it getting on line so I can get off. I regret that. Its this game you see. It was born out of a jet lagged mind in an airplane. I just thought of it out of the blue and then it became an reality. I don't want to stop, because then this game will end up like the rest, a wasted effort. I fail at all my masturbation plans, whether they are to stop or to start. Why is that? Why is it that I have no resolve? Is it that my body just can't do it? That I lack the stamina to do games and yet I cannot go forever not playing with myself.
So here is the hard part. I need to look again at limits. I know I can't add or delete what my porn blocker can block, I literally have no control over it. So this one is just going to have to come from my own desire to do what is right, to walk in Christ. No more explicit gay porn. Yeah that means no gay tube or any of that...err. So it will come down to only gearfetish.com or some gear fetish styled videos...many of which are on youtube, so maybe that will be it? Also, I really need to just cool it when it comes to masturbating. Yeah yeah I know the game will be spoiled, but I can take a day off and then masturbate twice the next day...so its not impossible to do it. But I think, one again, this is becoming bigger than I wanted it to be. It has become a consumption of my time. This is especially unhealthy for my walk with Christ. Where my penis is the main focus, not God. That is wrong, I know it. So....I will not give up, but I will not try as hard with this game...I hope this helps.
Tuesday, May 25, 2010
My life now, a new direction
I know it has been a long time since I have added an entry to this on line journal. I think not having an old fashioned notebook to write in deters me and I forget that I have this great on-line resource. That having been said, I have needed to journal for a long time now as I leap frog from one crisis to the next, each of varying magnitudes.
Right now my main concern is the practice of my faith and transferring to a new faith community. This has not been an easy transition in the least. It has been emotionally hard to leave my current church for several reasons. Firstly, I fear coming back into contact with the people I would see or better stated, the people I know would know I have been gone. Trying to justify why, after 6 years in their church, that I would just leave. I have an answer ready for them, but I sort of fear the way they would receive it. The bigger concern is not really related to the people of my current church, but more my own personal walk right now. I pray that I am being obedient to Christ in my actions. That my change is not about me, but about where God wants me and where I need to serve him. I did receive something of a sign last Sunday that this is indeed the right choice. This may be some wacky coincidence, but the hymn tune Abbot's Leigh was literally stuck in my head, I had no idea why it got in there or where I heard it. I kept thinking it was just some carry over as I have been diving back into Anglican hymns, as this as been one of the principal driving forces behind my need to switch, the mode of worship is critical to me. Well anyways I had no idea what the hymn was, or its words or anything, but lo and behold at the Gospel reading, what hymn of literally at least 750 hymns out there that is played? Abbot's Leigh, the one that was in my head!
I am thinking that this is more than a coincidence. Could the Holy Spirit have put that tune in my head knowing I would hear it the next Sunday at church? This would be a magnificent sign that God is indeed wanting me to attend the Episcopal Church. I can see why this would be so, the community is so loving, there are opportunities to serve, the worship is so deep and meaningful, and the church does provide the means as really diving into scripture through the readings of the Daily Office. What am I not getting? Expository teaching and the contemporary worship. When I think about it that is all there is at my current church. The people are nice, but I do not have that same sense of community there because of the church's size. When I really think about it, the only thing that did keep me there was my working with the youth and a dear friend's Bible study and now that she attends Episcopal church along with another couple from the Sunday school, I see that the Holy Spirit is moving and working on people in that church. Maybe he has a plan for me there and needs me to be there to lead the sheep?
I am so glad I have made some time to write in this journal. I cannot under estimate its power to help me reflect and process, so much clearer and easier than my own muddled thoughts, which keep going over the same points endlessly. I will pray now to confirm the direction I think I have just now discovered. Obviously more on this will come!
Right now my main concern is the practice of my faith and transferring to a new faith community. This has not been an easy transition in the least. It has been emotionally hard to leave my current church for several reasons. Firstly, I fear coming back into contact with the people I would see or better stated, the people I know would know I have been gone. Trying to justify why, after 6 years in their church, that I would just leave. I have an answer ready for them, but I sort of fear the way they would receive it. The bigger concern is not really related to the people of my current church, but more my own personal walk right now. I pray that I am being obedient to Christ in my actions. That my change is not about me, but about where God wants me and where I need to serve him. I did receive something of a sign last Sunday that this is indeed the right choice. This may be some wacky coincidence, but the hymn tune Abbot's Leigh was literally stuck in my head, I had no idea why it got in there or where I heard it. I kept thinking it was just some carry over as I have been diving back into Anglican hymns, as this as been one of the principal driving forces behind my need to switch, the mode of worship is critical to me. Well anyways I had no idea what the hymn was, or its words or anything, but lo and behold at the Gospel reading, what hymn of literally at least 750 hymns out there that is played? Abbot's Leigh, the one that was in my head!
I am thinking that this is more than a coincidence. Could the Holy Spirit have put that tune in my head knowing I would hear it the next Sunday at church? This would be a magnificent sign that God is indeed wanting me to attend the Episcopal Church. I can see why this would be so, the community is so loving, there are opportunities to serve, the worship is so deep and meaningful, and the church does provide the means as really diving into scripture through the readings of the Daily Office. What am I not getting? Expository teaching and the contemporary worship. When I think about it that is all there is at my current church. The people are nice, but I do not have that same sense of community there because of the church's size. When I really think about it, the only thing that did keep me there was my working with the youth and a dear friend's Bible study and now that she attends Episcopal church along with another couple from the Sunday school, I see that the Holy Spirit is moving and working on people in that church. Maybe he has a plan for me there and needs me to be there to lead the sheep?
I am so glad I have made some time to write in this journal. I cannot under estimate its power to help me reflect and process, so much clearer and easier than my own muddled thoughts, which keep going over the same points endlessly. I will pray now to confirm the direction I think I have just now discovered. Obviously more on this will come!
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