Time to Start Slowing Down

I have just jerked off for the 102nd time in 2012. Yeah, I'm actually keeping track, have been since January 1. I know when I shoot a load, I always feel lousy afterwards, this is the case now. I am beginning to think that I am taking this too far, pushing the limit. I have remained true to the plan, I have heeded every desire, I have recorded every stroke, I have been on more masturbation websites, forums and blogs than I could ever want, and yet I see what addiction is. I am addicted at this point, I sit there quietly watching the Red Bud finals, then flip to the Weather Channel (that ought to keep my mind off of sex, right? No!) So I get onto my computer and start wanking to Xtube videos, all the while feeling incredibly empty and unfulfilled. This is the reality of what I am doing, that giving into my bodily beast, the pleasure seeking within does not ultimately satisfy anything, it is a mirage on the horizon. So I am going to try to hold back some, for my own sake and for the sake of my future orgasms. I have to convince my penis that quality beats quantity. Addiction only dulls the intensity of the pleasure, you get so much of it, it looses its appeal. My addiction fetish has to be squashed, it's just not as fun as I thought it would be.

I have some new gear coming in on Wednesday and some new shoes tomorrow.  I hope that I can hold off until they get here and even then take it easy on the porn.  I am training myself for bad habits, and I know that I will have to work hard to untrain myself when I realize that this way of living is not going to cut it in the long run.  I just have to keep relearning the same old lessens again and again until I get it.  I have been going hot and cold with the whole masturbation and porn thing for years.  Sometimes, like now, doing everything to encourage it, when at other times feeling guilty for doing it, so I do everything to stop it.  I get this self-righteous feeling when I say "never again", but that only last until my horny state demands my attention to my cock. I was tired of being on the merry-go-round.  Tired of fighting, and yet I can so clearly see that if I go all the way with this, it is also hurting me, so no matter what I do I cannot be at peace about this. I suppose this is why people get married, so they do not have to fight this battle anymore, they just have sex with their wife.  The problem is I am gay and that marriage thing is not going to fly for me. I have yet to find anyone I could spend the rest of my life with, so I just give into auto-erotica instead as the easy substitute to healthy intimate sexuality. So where does this lead me?  I really don't know. I think the solution will not be simple. I hate that there has to be a solution, I just wish I could just be and not think about any of this anymore and when I have to urge to do it I just do it and shut up about it.  I think that can be the only solution that is left to me now, which ironically is exactly where I was a month ago. I know that the thing that has caused all of this, the upswing in activity, was part of the very masturbation fetish experience I was attracted to, but its fake, it is not real, I have to keep saying that. So the solution really needs to be me not pressing the masturbation fetish issue so deeply and to try to stay away from porn.

The more I think about the more I realize that porn is toxic.  It takes what is meant to be good, a sexual experience with another human, and just ruins it with the surface sexual desires and nothing else. Today in church I realized that that is what I have been doing, trying to light the dode flame, which is the flame of passion, erotica, lust, without the flames of true love, friendship and commitment. I hate how on Xtube you can't just watch your video in peace, you have to look at a thousand over sexual encounters in the video ad space, it makes me feel so dirty, I don't want to see naked men raping each other, its just not my thing and here I am watching the eye candy... I'm sorry for ranting like this, but I am just frustrated that I can't seem to be finding the thing I want.  I will update you soon, as this thing progresses.