Slowing Down (Second Try)

I told myself, in not too uncertain terms, that I would not be cajoled back into the daily routine of masturbation and porn addiction.  I think the old adage, 'be careful what you wish for' is appropriate here.  For two days, I told myself, I need to skip a day, not for moral reasons, but for health and my personal need for well balanced behavior. And for two days I failed.  You would think this would be an occasion of happiness, I am addicted after all, yay!  But it's not like that when you are in it. It hurts when you jack off and you have no spunk to offer in gratitude for the act.  It's frustrating to discover that I have spent 3/4th of my day's valuable free time in front of my screen looking at porn and talking with others who care for nothing else but the same.

Despite the wonderful people (and prospects) I have found on line, which have all been great, I regret being in such a funk about it.  Today I have determined to not masturbate, which so far as of 2 pm, I'm okay.  I have hoped that is will be fine today because I have plenty to do outside of the house. I think that I just need some time away from it all, to get a better perspective at what I want.  I need to accept that I am not 16 anymore and cannot, even if I wanted to, masturbate 5 times a day without it affecting me in anyway.  I chat with others who do this, and I keep trying to compare myself to them and realize that I cannot keep up, at 36, and I am a bit too tired.

Even though it goes against the purposes of complete freedom, I know for my own sake, I need some guidelines and restrictions, or my involvement will spin more and more out of control. I can see this happening already.  I am no longer just masturbating to porn, that is yesterday's news.  Now I have graduated to the level of masturbating with others via cam or putting on a show for someone I cannot see, nor could verify his age, although I am fairly confident he was a 32 year old guy from TX.  Still, it has been going a little too fast for my comfort and happiness, so I hope that as I carry on on this little experiment of mine, that I will learn that the greatest pleasure comes from those who know how to wait, and resist quantity over quality.