Back to Reality, a Time to Rethink my Sexuality

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I have had a very interesting last few days.  I must say that my trip to Colorado was not exactly as I anticipated in terms of the various interactions that I've had with some of my old fraternity brothers.  I decided to come clean with one friend of mine and tell him everything, short of the existence of this blog. This blog, as far as I can help it, will remain private.  No one who reads this will know who I am in real life.  Before I get into the discussion I had with my first buddy, I happened to--in a round about way without actually intending it--to cover the same issue (without going into detail) with another brother from the fraternity, the guy who took me to the airport.

So brother # 1 (the first guy) was actually very supportive and just wanted to know what this was all about, what were my fetishes, where did I go on line.  I told him everything, the AB/DL stuff, and everything about my sports gear fetish side.  I must say that just coming clean with him, all the way, was such a relief.  Someone who is not part of my secret life knows the truth.  It was somewhat of a fire hose experience for him, a lot of information in a short period of time.  He knew I was sexually confused from earlier conversations and confession, however, I'm sure he is still processing what I told him.  Nonetheless, he was able to offer me some good advice, advice that somewhat conflicts with the advice I got from brother #2 (the second guy I talked to).

Brother #1 said that I should try to find images or videos of guys who are wearing the gear I'm into, but who are also doing it with members of the opposite sex.  So basically guys who are getting laid by girls, but the guys happen to be geared out.  This, as he saw it, was some kind of compromise, it allows you to be "heterosexual" and be a gear fetishist, and not go 100% gay.  As I have stated before in this blog, my feelings are that I lean gay on the spectrum, but I concede that I am not 100% there, but could easily go down that road if I so choose. Since I'm a fetishist, I have some choice in the matter, that is if I can learn how to get off on a guy who is having sex with a girl, the guy wearing sports gear is the bridge between my fetish and the correct, conventional course, of a man and a women in love, presumably in a marriage.  If this approach is successful, maybe I can find a special partner who can indulge me in this fetish.  This approach I will call the moderate approach, it allows me to keep my fetishes, but aims to re-direct them to a different target that can possibly lead to love that is not based on guys in gear, but a women and what she can do to (or for) a guy.

Brother #2 took a more extreme course.  Now in all fairness to him, he did not receive as much detail.  All he knows is I am a fetishist and I am sexually confused, did not point blank come out to him that I think I am gay or bi-sexual, but implied it by what I said to him.  How he sees this, all fetishes are learned.  When a guy (or maybe a girl) masturbates and they focus their attention on an object, that object, given enough time, will become sexually charged and relevant for future arousal.  Therefore, as the argument goes, it can be re-directed, like training rose to grow up a trellis.  He said that sexually is either "sexually frustrated" when you take out your confused sexual urges on objects, or a form of power over the person or object, or it is based on "beauty", I forget the exact term he used for the latter.  His general argument is that it all comes down to the brain as the central sexual organ.  If thoughts, and to some extent even images, are changed while masturbating, the desire will gradually shift.  With work, the objects causing sexual arousal would hold less meaning, and in extreme cases the objects themselves would need to be disposed of in order to allow for recovery and prevent remission back into the old familiar desires and re-enforcement thereof.   By focusing on beauty (of a women) and making this an intimacy thing, not a fetish thing, the desires will shift in time.

I wish I had more time to truly unpack this.  Firstly, I had no opportunity to reflect on what he said and to come back with my own theories.  Secondly, the advise is coming from someone who holds (loosely) Roman Catholic theology on sexual deviance and even a prohibition of masturbation.  He was a contributing factor to the many years I fought and fought to eliminate masturbation, as it was a "sin" and was not how God intended his creatures to sexually express themselves, that sex is only permissible within the institution of marriage.  I do not proscribe to this strict interpretation  and I must say that Brother #2 does not fully either, but he comes from this line of thinking.  Thirdly, Brother #2 is not a trained sexual psychologist, but rather was a philosophy major who turned into an attorney.    He is applying his knowledge and simply hoping that is works, like giving up smoking.  The cold turkey concept.  I am sure, if given an opportunity, he would refine his advice, especially if he knew the specifics of my sexual story line, but in my heart of hearts, I am convinced he would not alter his advice remarkably.  I asked for specific application for what I do on Day 1, when I want to masturbate, and he told me, rather meekly I may add, to think of a girl that I like and had excited me, that she would accept me for who I am, in a easy going flirtatious manner, like that was all it took to turn me.  I fear that to change me would take much more than that!

As I have read up on fetishism, I have come across a general consensus that it is "normal"  variant of sexuality.  I think where the issue comes into play is if the addiction becomes compulsive and chronic in the sense that is harms the individual or prevents him or her from intimacy or even basic social  needs and interactions.  In these cases, they are sexually frustrated because their fetish is never enough to satisfy the need and urges they have, thus perpetuating an addiction state.  These cases need treatment.

As much as I care for brother #2, I will proceed with brother #1's advice.  I don't think I have the will power or even the desire to turn completely away from my many fetishes, they have become so much a part of who I am since I was 15 years old, I'm now in my mid 30's.  I will admit though, that I think my fetishes are conditioned on exposure.  I will make attempts, even though I have no desire to, to masturbate to women or, at minimum, guys who are geared up with women, no more gay porn.  I could feel myself turning slowly away from my disgust of anal sex from the volume of it that I was seeing on gay porn, fetish based, websites.  This concerns me because I do see that is crossing a line, delving even deeper into the dark world of fetishism and homo eroticism.

My plan (for now) is to pull away from fetishism slowly.  I will be more intentional about what I look at and will seek out porn that meets brother #1's criteria.  I will commit to do this for a month, just to see if I sense any changes in my sexuality.  I will certainly update this blog as this progresses.

Finally, I know that this blog is read by people curious in whatever I have to say, I see that in the viewership stats.  So please do not hesitate to comment on what I write, as I do want other's advise on these issues.  Please no flaming, that's just not cool.