Dark Bate

Well, the first thing you'll notice with this very overdue blog post is that I do not have my bate rate listed.  About a month ago, I decided to stop tracking my sessions, which was a huge polar shift for me since I have done it for years.  I made a poll on a certain masturbation website asking if people would be willing to join a group so we could all track...I thought there would be a lot of interest, and while there was some, the overwhelming response was, "what's the point", "that's too much work", "masturbation is not supposed to be about work, or doing anything".  That got me thinking, maybe it is a silly idea to track and spend so much time seeing how much I bate and where I am.  What will it really gain me to know I am at .86 or .68?  I will just do it when I feel like it anyways, right?  No point in forcing pleasure if I don't want to, but as you will see that is the least of my worries right now.

If you are curious, my rate is about the same, although this last week my intensity and frequency has gone up because I have gotten back into something I don't think is a good idea; I call it dark bate.  It's very intense, hot and gets me going, but I really think it's a sin.  I have met a friend, through this blog, that has gotten me into this, and I have pushed him as well, so we are kinda in this together, and it has gotten to a point where I really need to take a step back and take stock at what is happening, and what needs to happen as I proceed forward.

First off, my other fetishes seem to be fading, for the time being, with this new fetish, which is considered blasphemy fetish. Basically, I am getting off on the idea that pleasure = evil, and that these sites encourages you to seek out as much pleasure, in whatever form possible, so basic hedonism.  I think this comes from about a 5 to six year period when I thought all masturbation was sin, and did everything in my power to stop it, so in short religion stopped the pleasure. Now, the pleasure I am getting from this is so intense, and the deeper I go with it, the more it seems to be taking hold, the more I am jerking off and the more I need to jerk off, so the addiction is getting stronger. When I am in it, I want to be encouraged to go deeper, get more addicted, look at more blasphemy to make me hard.

I am of the mind, right now, to just let this thing take its course, not to fight it, but allow it to not be so "bad" and take away its power.  By fighting it, it just becomes forbidden fruit that is all the more desirable, thus causing me to fall more deeper into the weeds.  Also, for one, I know that pleasure does not = sin or evil, but these demon lust sites, satanism in general, want you to think that it is, that is how they get their power, they want you to think anything fun and pleasurable is what satan wants and the opposite is what God wants.  This is a lie.  So the goal is to somehow translate this truth to my internal self, to my sexuality so I am not turned on by this.  I can't just pretend that it is okay to go to these sites, not because masturbation is wrong, but because they are spouting out blasphemy against God, and that is not okay.

I wish there was more I could say about this, but I am in the middle of this struggle and its hard to gain proper perspective on this when you are in the midst of it, I will write more soon when I have more clarity.