I just came, and it is ever becoming more clear to me that I have a blasphemy fetish and that many of my other interests and fetishes are evolving into this dark one. Anyone who has read this blog will see the gradual progression from my first interests in Priapus to where I am now. Man, so where do I begin?
A lot has happened to me in the last 48 hours, and I hope by the end of this ordeal I emerge unscathed. It all started with a blog reader who got me thinking about this fetish, and before long I was right back there doing it, going to dark places and enjoying the pleasure it brings to cum to words and images, but curiously words have more power for some reason.
I, at last, decided, strangely, to document this dark journey by recording the best websites for this kind of thing (which I will not publish here as this is not that kind of blog--hence no pictures), when I stumbled across one particular website (again which shall remain unnamed to protect the innocent) which sought to not get me off, but help me understand what I am dealing with.
For one, I am not a satanist because I have a blasphemy fetish. I have not renounced my faith, but rather am exploring what is out there. As of this moment, I pray, I do not renounce anything, and curiously the site I was reading seemed to say that I am not fit to be given over to the devil because of my lust, as I have no spiritual desire for the dark side, it is only a sexual matter, a fetish. This gave me some relief, although not that much, knowing I have not done something to bring my soul in danger, but am close to it.
The issue, it seems, is the ability to separate my sexuality from my religion and faith, which seems to be an impossible task, but is doable. I have to see this as nothing but material to get me off, not a mortal sin, or a statement to say I'm changing sides. I didn't ask to have a blasphemy fetish, but somehow I have one now. And it really is this at the heart of what gets my juices flowing. I looked at Cock Worship, or adoration of your cock, the church of Cock, Cock is God, and all the rest, and although that seems interesting to some extent, it really is not at the heart of all of this. It is not about my cock, it is about rebellion.
At the heart of this seed is a need for a lack of control, I came up with this notion again after lunch. I know I have mentioned this before, but I do see how all of this is related to one master theme in my life. My diaper and sports fetishes, and recently dumbing down, all have a common denominator--lack of control. So what about blasphemy, how is that related to control? Well my other fetishes came around late high school/ early college, but when I was an evangelical Christian, masturbation was a hot topic. We all talked about it as a sin, something you had to avoid, had to stop, had to repress. I truly think, although I cannot know for certain, that it is the residue of this repression that has pushed me into my blas. fet. When I masturbate, I wear my fraternity hoodie, I won't name the organization, but it is a fraternity for believers. So it represents the source of much of this repression. I see repression as a form of control, so to give into an entity that encourages me to give up that control and rewards me with ultimate pleasure is a very hard thing to resist. What I am coming to realize is that I have not really interacted with a demon or the devil, I just like the idea of all of it as a sexual expression.
So what does this all mean, exactly? To be honest, I am not sure. It is not all just perfect now as I am sort of in a spiritual crossfire. Although I am not doing anything to impress satanists, I am doing things that could piss off God. I know He understands it is a fetish, but man, a fetish to get off on joining with His enemy, is not exactly what I think He has in mind for me. The suggestion this website gives is just change religions, to one tolerant of this behavior that is not Christianity or Satanism, but my issue is that is a HUGE life change, and I just can't do that, I still believe in Jesus, that He is real, that He is my Lord. I have tested my faith, and have a strong foundation I cannot just walk away from. So changing religions is not an option, nor is becoming a Satanist, obviously for the same reason. So I am left with just dealing with the fetish on its own terms and seeing, somehow, if I can reconcile this with my faith on the grounds that it is not a spiritual thing at all. I can pray before I masturbate, that whatever I look at or think about is not about the one true real God, it is just pretend, like wearing a scary mask on Halloween.
I don't know if that is insane to ask for or not, but I just cannot leave my church family over this fetish, it is not that important to me. I will continue to struggle with this in the short term until, hopefully, I start to focus on something else, like dumbing down fetish (which is impossible to find anything on except warpmymind, and even the file I liked is gone now :( ) As always, thanks for reading me ramble on, I will post more when I have more clarity on this turn of events.
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