Blasphemy Fetish vs. Satanism

Now that some time has elapsed, I feel I have a bit more clarity on where I am and where I am going with my recent struggles and desires.  It came to me today, as I was driving home to eat lunch, that I actually do NOT have a blasphemy fetish.  I know, this is coming as sort of a surprise to me, as this is what I was calling it for a long while.  I have come to this conclusion based off of stuff on the web, that has had different effects on me.  I will break this all down.

I am finding that a true blasphemy fetishist is more than likely heterosexual, which I am clearly not, and more so they get off on scenes like having sex in a church, using religious objects, such as a cross, in acts of masturbation, and other similar things.  This, in all truth, does not really make me hard and sort of disgusts me, particularly pictures of Jesus getting fellatio on the cross.  I don't want to go against my faith as a Christian (yes, I am still one).  But, and this is a very big but, that is not the end of the story, I am attracted to Satanic Masturbation, which I really don't think is the same thing as Blasphemy, per se.  A true blasphemy fetishist does not invoke the name of Satan, they just like to sully the name of Christ and his followers, without any alternative belief system or instructions.

Whereas a subset of the devil movement, seems to be fixated on masturbation as a form of worship. You may ask, how is this any different than just plain jane cock worship, well I think for me, I have ascribed a certain amount of power to the devil that I simply do not have for Pan or generic cock worship.  I know my cock pretty well, and I am pretty sure its not a god, no offense to the cock worshippers out there.  Even if I wanted it to be a god, it just doesn't really fit into my belief system of God and the Satan, the epic battle between good and evil. I am reducing cock worship into an diluted form of satanism, even if they don't actually invoke "hail Satan".  This would be the same for any kind of idol worship that is not of God, its the principal that many people follow Satan but don't realize it, its called bing of the world and worshiping its pleasures.      

So, all of this is to say that the power I feel when I masturbate to Satan, is that my belief system holds that at ground zero for how deep this goes, there is no greater (more evil) force out there than the Devil.  The second part of this as to why I am attracted to it is the idea that you, "Do as thou Wilt" and with that a strong emphasis, again only in some circles, on lust and masturbation.  I am finding that there are many kinds of satanists, and it seems they are perpetually splitting off of other groups, for one's own self interest, regardless if they are actually sanction as part of the institutional Church of Satan. I have already fond contradictions within their own creed, with some saying to masturbate only for one kind of rite, while others say to do it daily.  Anyone can start a blog (like me) and say anything they like, regardless of what others think....

In conclusion, I think there is yet another fetish out there, a "satanic masturbation fetish"  I am sure it does not exit, so I am making it up now.  Its for people who don't actually care a lick about changing religions, but are merely turned on by the freedom it purports and the focus on self pleasure, in particular (which, as I said is not the mainline belief).  I am turned on by transformation, not static postures.  I want to see the Christian convert while masturbating, in an effort to break the chains that have been put on him (in his head) that he could not masturbate in the first place.  Why?  Its because that is my situation.  I cannot shake the idea that my faith prevents pleasure and this one allows it and encourages it.  That is the power it holds over me.

I want to break that power, because when I do this, it is very hot at the time, but makes me feel awful afterwards, more than the usual way.  I am right to confront this face on, to call it out for what it is, to not dance around the issue anymore.  I am a wannabe satanist, but my faith in Jesus Christ will not allow me to do this for real, so then its only a matter of role playing inside the fetish, a very uncomfortable role to be playing!  My hope is not to stop, if I stop it will always be out there as a temptation and that will give it more power, I want to get bored with it.  I want to make this like cock worship, something that no longer interests me.   I feel I am sort of there now, or at close to being there.  Thanks to my friend, I was able to get onto Christinfetish.com, and it honestly bored me, was not what I thought it was, as I said, I am not a blasphemy fetishist.  I think as I run out of material to masturbate to, and I continue to develop my other fetishes, this will fade away again, I hope.  The  only way to defeat it is to discount it as not important anymore.  I pray I get there.