More on coming out, my life as a gay Christian

B.R.: 0.57743

The last 24 hours has been interesting.  I think overall it has all been positive, but also challenging because all the information I'm receiving involves me making changes, albeit incremental, but changes nonetheless in my life.  It's all about getting out of my comfort zone and accepting life's challenges face on.  Before I can get into all of that, I think it's important that I detail what my challenges are:

1)  I am single, 37, and lonely, very lonely   I live alone in this house that I'm trying to sell and all I have for company is a cat.  Now I have friends, well four friends that I consider close enough that I could go to them and spill my guts.  I am involved with my church, yoga, and other activities, but all in all these things do not replace the need in my life for male intimacy.  So this challenge is finding a partner in a town where dating someone may be difficult  (more on this later).

2)  My job sucks.  I need a new job.  I've been there for nine and half years, it's time for me to move on.  All I do all day is enter in numbers into a spreadsheet and I have a master's degree. I need to move.  This means getting off my butt and actually looking for a job, meanwhile I'm trying to sell my house--so far no luck.

3)  Coming Out.  Related to No. 1, but different in that I need to be honest with my straight friends about where I am and also to my parents.  I am living in an interesting time and place in history, where the gay movement has come to my town and I need to decide once and for all where I stand on the issue.  Beyond just being supportive of the cause (I will go more into this aspect as well).

4) Finding and living out my sexual identity.  Okay, so I've said I'm gay, great.  But what does that really mean?  I mean I would love to explore what it would be like to be with another man.  Someone I'm really attracted to, but any reader of my blog knows that I am more than just gay.  Saying I'm gay and leaving it at that is the easy part, but it's a cop out.  I am a fetishist, I have three main fetishes.  These are:  gear (athletic gear, shorts, skater shoes, military, etc.); ABDL an adult baby/ diaper lover (this one is less influential these days, but is still there and is still something that can get me horny; and what I have coined as a "masturbation fetish".  This one is less defined, but is definitely a separate thing.  This is where the whole "let's get dumb and horny and jerk off and get addicted to it", comes in.  Read my past entries for more on that!

So this all boils down to coming out to friends and family, finding a job, selling my house, moving away,  finding a boyfriend, and defining and living out my sexual identity with said boyfriend   Talk about change, this is it!

So what's happened to trigger all of this?  Well, as I alluded to, I am living in turbulent times.  But before I get into that, I will say that I had a random conversation with someone last night that convicted me to find a new job, that it is time for me to "move on".  This seems to play into me wanting to sell my house and me coming out.  I could move to a more "gay-friendly" town, etc.  However, I am a person that does not cope well with a lot of change, so I have honestly gotten a little too comfortable here in my town, doing my brainless job everyday.  It is easy, and making it easy means I am getting too relaxed, do I want to live alone in this house, in this small town when I'm 40?  How about 50 or 60!  That is scary.  I must accept change, and not allow sentiment; or worse, laziness; stand in the way of my advancement.  The economy is better, so I can't use that excuse anymore.  So step 1 is to start looking for jobs...

Secondly, I live in turbulent times where the gay debate is raging and has come into the public sphere in a big way in my town.  This has come from my church which has hosted a gay man, a friend I just met with this morning, about what it means to reconcile his faith and sexuality with the outcome that being gay is okay and acceptable for a Christian.  So in this context, I have come out to my priest and he has in turned asked me to be in a small group with other gay people in my area to go over a book about being a gay Christian.  I look forward to this study to further clarify where I am and maybe help my family cope with me coming out, I don't know.  So in some ways I don't want to move on quite yet until I at least get through this Bible study....if my house sells, I will rent until the time is right for me to really move away.  On the other hand, I could blow off this study and just move away as the right opportunity presents itself, I don't know the timing of this is complicated and very unsettling!    My heart says I need to hold off for just a few more months, but I don't know how practical that may be.  So step 2, Pray about when to move, but this may be out of my control, a lot hinges on this house and when I will need to pull up stakes for good.

Thirdly, I need to come out to my friends, which will be hard, but as my friend this morning said, each time we are honest with ourselves, it only lifts more of that burden off of our shoulders and helps us be more healthy, tearing down walls we have built to maintain the secrecy and masks that we use to disguise who we really are.  This will take courage, but it needs to be done.  I will pray for the right moments to reveal what I can to who needs to know.  My prediction is that this time next year most of my friends and all of my family will know the truth, albeit, I will still have walls regarding my fetishes, which are deeply personal and impossible for me to be open about with family members and friends, save for my brother who knows about my diapers in case something happens to me.   So step 3, come out when the time is right.  Need to make a commitment to them and myself that I am a gay man and that is okay.

Fourthly, I need to find a boyfriend, but does that make sense if I am moving away?  It may in that I do know some gay people who are in different states I could perhaps move to, to hook up with them?  My concern is that I want to find someone who is of faith in God as I really think that is key and that if I didn't, my faith would really go downhill, and that is just not acceptable.  So the dating thing needs to go along with the move, but I think it needs to be where I end up landing, it makes no sense to date a guy here if I will be in another state in a year, does it?

Finally, and most importantly, I need to better define who I am sexually.  I am exploring more and more on line and the more I look, the more I want to explore.  There is a big masturbation fetish community, although they would not call themselves that, I believe the term is solo-sexual, edgers, gooners, etc., but I find that just being one of these addicted bators is not enough.  I am, first and foremost, a fetishist, I physically need to wear sports gear, or some kind of iteration thereof, to get off.  Seeing a man moan as he masturbates is not enough, but reading the words of an addicted bator, deepening his addiction ...oh boy, that is it!  Does that make sense?  Awhile back I wrote up my sexual ID, kind of a list of all the things that turn me on.  My problem now is how do I engage into these things in a healthy way?  I must acknowledge that lust does exist, and I do feel empty and used up when I bathe in porn.  I think, dare I say, sin is in it.  It's taking sex and turning it into a show to get off on, stripping it of its intimacy.  So anyhow, I don't know that my conquest to masturbate myself to death is a healthy one, although it is a horny one!  As you can see from my bate rate, I am doing is more, past the half way point now.  So far in 2013 I have masturbated 56 times, and came for about 80% of that.  So there is conflict between perceived morals and my penis--which is in control? Where is that healthy boundary? But deep down I know there needs to be a balance there without overbearing restrictions.  It is the personal restrictions, however, that make me more horny when I break my own rules.  So it can't be rules, it has to be something deeper.  I think this problem is probably solved if I end up with a mate I love and we can do this on our own, masturbation is less important, and I am less lonely.  So step 4, find a boyfriend who "gets me" sexually and is a Christian.  Is this possible?

Whoa, that was a lot!  I feel like I just throw up on all you readers out there!  I have four steps that relate to each other in complicated and confusing ways. I will certainly keep posting to let you know how this all turns out!  I appreciate you reading,  I use this blog as a way to think out loud, my personal journal that happens to be available to the populace of the internet. Most people don't comment, and that is okay, you can just read, but if you do want to talk to me, please comments or email me at littleben176@yahoo.com.    Thanks!