Some time later with some answers

So, its been three months since I last visited this blog. I am sad to say that much of my progress or whatever you call my daily journey in life remains unchanged. I admit that I do lack direction as to what I should be doing with my life. So often I go from phase to phase almost as if I am a leaf to be blown about in the wind, eking out this meager existence here on earth. That does sound rather depressing, but as I have just finished masturbating to pornography, that does tend to happen.

I think I am really being attacked here. I can see that this is evidenced by the course of events that led up to my most recent sins. I was doing just fine all day until I started feeling rather horny on the drive back home. I think this was triggered by my looking for a store that seems to no longer be in business anyways. Well I began to start to think about some sexy black nylon soccer shorts, something I find incredibly hot.

Well then I was thinking about an e-mail I got from one of my pro masturbation yahoo groups. It does not take much for me to get going, to begin to think about the cheap easy thrills. I wanted to find a website dedicated to those who are hard core masturbation addicts and watch or even partake in their decent into that addiction. I got home and was able to contain myself long enough to unpack the car of items, before I made a b-line to my closest and went ahead and put on a diaper (another fetish of mine). I am still in one now. Well then I go to try to see if there are any sites out there about diaper masturbation, pro-masturbation, etc., etc. Well I give up and go to the pit of depravity itself and view a video of two guys in MX gear having oral sex. I have hit a new low once again.

I even prayed beforehand for God to forgive my carnal carvings and then I put God out of my mind as I indulged and released my seed into a condom. I am not proud of any of this and this is why I am under a assumed name here. I do not want anyone to know my true identity. The truth of my life is x-rated and is sinful.

So what now? I am always left with that same question. Why do all the pleasurable things in life have to be off limits? Why are we called to so much suffering here on earth? Why has God left me with such weak will. When it comes to temptation I am a weakling and I seek and even take pleasure in knowing that there are others who are just as weak or even worse. I can see that those who do revel in this godless lifestyle of perpetual pleasures and depravities have indeed been so far from God and given over by Him to indulge in their sins. I am on the edge. I try to be righteous each day, read my prayers, be interested in God and reading the Bible. But I again and again find myself falling short, going back to the bad water, my comfortable and easy sin.

I will ask for forgiveness and I do want it and believe in Jesus and the grace that he gives, but I must break this sin cycle I am on. I first off MUST identity that what I am doing is sin, without question, and furthermore we as Christians are called to not sin. If I can at least bring myself to make that distinction, I at least know where the battle lines are drawn and where I ought to never go. I feel I have made that distinction, but I crave what I know I cannot have. I so often justify what I want to see as being okay. I think the problem is I need to learn how to run away from my sins. I am not good at seeing where my thoughts lead until it's too late. I need a plan of attack, a way to say okay this is what I will do and what I won't. This is not the first time I have had such plans. I have had many rules I have given myself about this, but what happens? The rules are bent and then broken and then forgotten. They are replaced by the law of sin that is burned into my mind. The law of sin is never forgotten. It is not a rule or a ritual to be followed, it is a way of living.

I know I cannot stop masturbating. My therapist even told me that doing this would not be good. We are made for pleasure, withholding it would only bring unbelievable amounts of pain, stress, and basic unhappiness. I know God does call us to suffer, but is this the way he intended? Again, I am left in the dark and very discouraged on this issue because I have had that view many times before in the last ten years only to fail again and again. I have an entire notebook full of failed plans of stopping this, and it was all in vain, I do it still and often.

But does that mean I am resigned to allow sin to rule in my life? No! Again the distinctions here are critical. I have said before that the act alone of masturbation, under certain circumstances, is not sinful. I can even guess when these times are as I do not really feel guilty per se, only maybe a little tired. So there is a level or degree in which masturbation can be taken to a new level that is sin. I must rest my hope on this belief because I know masturbation can be managed if it is allowed in increments to satisfy physical urges. I know that the germ of another "plan" is looming on the horizon, but do I have a choice? If I blow today off as some lapse of spiritual judgment, what will come next? Who is to say that this will not happen again? I have been to xtube before, many times, and for some months after I tried Doors of Hope, I was able to stay off the site, but in the last three to four times I masturbated, pornography has creep back in ever so slowly.

I have to be on a constant patrol. I have to always be at watch. The door has been opened and it cannot be closed. I have been exposed, I have seen things that will always turn me on. So now I have to stay on guard. So what does that mean? What am I to do to be on guard and what exactly is it that I am trying to watch out for?

I think the solution to the knotted mess which is my sexual life, is for me to stop masturbating at the computer. When I am on my bed in the heat of my desires, I seek out to enhance them with my lust for seeing others in the same state while in the same gear I am in. I think that is why I am so addicted to the idea of seeing people getting addicted. It's that lack of control that I am falling into that seems so pleasurable. And why not do this with friends? This is very dangerous and deadly. I cannot be allowed to go there and indulge in Temple Priapus, masturbation clubs, or whatever the sites, groups, or addictive material may be. That is idolatry, pure and simple.

I have tried to block porn from my computer with limited success. I need to now do more work to block these sites once and for all. I know that in the heat of lust, I will regret this, but I have no self control then. The Bible is so clear on this issue. We are to run away from temptation and cut the strings that bind us to it. I must cut ties with that website and at least I can not go there. I also need once again (for the second time now) quit the masturbation group. What does this do but encourage me to do it more and view porn. This group serves no purpose. I can easily masturbate without being on it. Lastly, I do need to pray for God's deliverance from these sins on a daily basis. If I am going to be a Christian, I have to fight, I have to allow myself to be used, and He cannot use rotten seeds. This life is not about fulfilling every last pleasure imaginable. I went to a hedonism website once and was sickened at the darkness of it and how decidedly lost these people were. What I fail to understand is that without God, Jesus, my life is meaningless and has no value. I think that God wants to steal away these pleasures, but in the end He can provide me joys beyond any measure. I pray I can stay on the path to God and not take any more detours, as tempting as they may seen. The law of God is written on my heart, I know deep down when I am violating it. I pray now I can keep from seeking that which will destroy me.

UPDATE 12-06-08: I am shocked when I re-read this entry to see how I have basically been blinded by my own lust! Here I had a plan all along and what do I end up doing about two weeks later? I join the very groups and websites I spoke against! Does my righteous spirit have no memory? I know that this is the reason I persist in the same cycles is because I forget, I allow myself the pleasure and I indulge and explore indulge and explore until I discover I am addicted. My plan, if it is kept God willing, is to continue on with the manifesto I spoke of in the 12-6 entry, but I had to add this at my own self discovery that my convictions are so easily entangled in sin and distraction. You have one chink in the armor and the devil will exploit it until there is no armor left. May God forgive me for my weakness.