Beyond Frustration

I honestly do not know what to do now and I don't have the patience to go on trying to stop what I know is bad for me. Help! Okay, I know it has been some time since my last journal entry so this is what is going on in my life at the moment.

I have been getting back into porn now. I was doing this edging game that basically makes you edge but not cum. I wanted to see if I could do this for the sake of a challenge and to train me not to cum every time I jerk off. Man I am so upset. I completely went off the deep end with this and have I think -60 points because I kept having orgasms. All I wanted to do was edge and I go all the way. So I made the choice to stop the game. To just throw in the towel and canceled it. That is fine, but I needed to do something else. I have to stop all this easy access to porn on-line. This is the thing that is hurting me, that is sinful. I know the game was pushing me to look at porn as an unintended consequence of me constantly masturbating. So I decided, okay, lets get some freedom from this once and for and and get a blocker. I had a great one before my computer crashed that did work! Pro Con, a Fire Fox add on. Well my computer crashed and I had to re-add it. Well, it never worked after that and all the bad stuff got through just fine and dandy. What was worse was I had to be all sneaky and hide the password, a really dumb thing to do when the site doesn't block anything! So I tried to uninstall it and re-add, well its STILL password protected, so then I decided to try to download a free one off the web, well I got it on and that doesn't block xtube either! I am so upset! If God wants me to be free of this stuff, why doesn't He make it easier for me to block it? Clearly I am not able to control myself in the heat of temptation, so its an impossible situation unless I was to basically not have any internet access anymore, which is crazy. My only other option I can think of is actually buying a blocker, which sucks, $10 a month because I can't control myself! This is ridiculous!

Anyways, I had to vent now and this is the way I like to do it. I know I haven't been keeping up with my blog, but really things have been okay until today. I hate this addiction to porn. I wonder if I have to re-enroll to Doors of Hope yet again and get a mentor to stop this. They will want me to not masturbate again, which is way too extreme in the other direction. I just need some balance! Maybe complete prohibition is the answer? But its sooooo incredibly difficult and draining. I know I can do all things through Christ, but what does he want for me anyways? Maybe I just need to rely on Him more and not some blocker, and that is why He is not allowing this to happen right now. He wants me to go to Him and try to find my will He has for me. If its 100% stoppage, then fine. I only pray that I can hear clearly what He wants and be able to follow through, knowing full well how weak my flesh is. I have to stop desiring the bad things as if that was something good. NO! It's not! Okay, I'll keep you posted on the next melt down.

Update:
A few hours later. Well I had to read this again once it was published and I was caught off guard by the fact that I had almost a nearly identical entry from last November, and then again in December and January. Then since January I have not discussed this subject. This is exactly why its so important to journal. I can see where I have been, its so easy to forget that even recently I have addressed these issues quite well, but have failed to follow through with the action steps and convictions. More clarity comes with perspective. Once I bring myself out of the frustrations of the day I see the larger picture.

So what am I seeing? I see that the devil has me on a lovely merry go round. I arrive with some really solid points and convictions, but in a short week I am back to my old ways. The law of Sin is written on my heart. I don't need a plan or a rule to tell me to go back on line and jerk off to stuff I know will turn me on and excite me. The devil is good at what he does, yes I can see it now. I have said this before even. I have always had a problem with implementation of my rules. That is why every plan I try has failed, that in a way is why I want a site blocker. It is something outside of myself that can prevent me from getting what I want. Its like asking a druggie to give up cocaine, while leaving a supply for him in the room to use at anytime. I know I can't cut it off, but I can certainly figure out a way to cut off the food that is feeding my lust, porn!

The devil wants me to get tired of this and go about with business as usual. He wants me to go down my list and try to be "productive" with the remains of this Sunday so that I can go about my affairs, fall into lust again and log right back onto xtube in three or fours days, right on time, like clockwork. Oh this fight is on now! For one of the first times in my life, I see what the problem is! It's not taking this seriously! Its me coming up with plans, but not taking them seriously in my day to day life. It's the fact that I am not vigilance every waking moment whether I am horny or not. You see by not being aware of what happens I can be so easily influenced and manipulated to ease right back to where I was. Sure I had small victories, but the enemies number one weapon on me is complacency. I think that is why I never thought again about the Manifesto. It had become a burden, a chore, something to say I have done so I could check it off my list and go about more "important" business. When I read that again this afternoon I saw that I had the answers! I had a way out, all figured out in a series of rules. And in a manner of speaking I all of my plans have failed at the same point, they failed at my lack of daily, even hourly vigilance.

There was a plan once that I used back in 2003 that was in a way relatively effective and I think the reason it was effective was a daily recitation of the rules that I HAD to do everyday no matter what. That is where this has to come to. A blocker is effective, but its a bad-aid that sooner or later will be breached, it does not effectively eliminate the desires in the first place. Okay, so where does this lead me now? (and I know I have asked this question before)

I will do my best, to follow these steps as close as I can.
(1) I will commit to write out a list of things I need to NOT do and recite them everyday no matter what. This will basically be the Manifesto recommendation I had in the revelation. The recommendations needs to be distilled in some VERY basic action steps that I can do and memorize.

(2) I will commit to read a new website I have found on "moral" masturbation. This is to see what other gems of wisdom there may be out there that can apply to me in my present cycle the devil has me on.

(3) I will commit on my honor to do #1 and #2 to the best of my ability.

I know I have done this before, I have made vows before God and my honor to "not do it anymore" and have broken these vows. All I am wanting now is a vow to do what I already said I would! To learn as much as I can and above all to STOP looking at xtube. I am pretty sure that if I EVER look at that site again I will do the service such as Safe Eyes and pay to get it off, its crazy but I am making an advanced decision at this point to NOT go onto that site or others like it. That includes seeing private parts on gear fetish.com.

Okay, that's it for now!
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