Update on the state of my life

I have just finished mowing the lawn, and I told myself that I would sit down and reflect on the present state of affairs in my life. I am sad to say that the list of concerns I had wanted to journal on have been over shadowed by my some old struggle on masturbation. I did not want to discuss this again today, but it seems to be a persistent issue that remains unstable and unresolved in my life. I am saddened when I re-read old entries. My last entry here was from about two and a half months ago when I was so sure of myself, so committed to having this "under control." At some point, and I forget when now as I no longer keep records on these matters, I decided once again that there simply can be no rules when it comes to masturbation. Why you ask? Well any rule I put in place will eventually be broken. It is only a matter of time. The rule of desire and temptation to indulge in what makes me feel good, on a temporary basis, is ingrained within my thinking, my habits, the very behavior of my life. It is a slippery slope, and once you are on it, it takes you where you are going to go. I said to myself, I will not have rules, but I will face whatever consequences I face as part of going too far overboard.

I think this is where I am now. I have broken no rules today, but I have been masturbating a lot more lately and these sessions have increasingly kept me in front of my computer. I have to go deeper and ask myself why do I feel its so necessary to give into these desires to masturbate to orgasm all of the time? I know there is a question of the reality of my own physiology and my need to release, but this is more than that now. I really had no need to do it after lunch, but I did have an opportunity to do it. I was alone, I had time, I had access to the computer, and I could make myself horny. All the ingredients where there to make it happen but I did not have to take that opportunity to do it. I need to focus on the feelings I have when I do it. I really think this is the only way. Its a matter of making the ill consequences worse so that I can remember what its like to be stuck in addiction and the guilt and worthlessness I get from this. I know that God plays a huge role in this, but God does not want me to enter into idolatry of the flesh, does he? No, certainly not. Therefore, I need to not only bathe this whole situation in a daily prayer of strength and protection, but I need to get this into muscle memory. Even if its a phrase, a Bible verse, a piece of a song, something that can stick with me, something that I can remember when I am steeped in my lusts. I wish I could think of it, maybe my own piece of wisdom such as are you in control of your flesh, or is it control of you? I hate to make another plan, another rule, even a simple one, because I know it will be broken. My desires are too strong. I can't even edge, I can't even play a masturbation game because I lack the self control, even if for pleasurable purposes.

So where does this leave me? This is the enduring questions that courses through these journal entries. I think firstly, I need to have that phrase on my computer somewhere where I can see it if I am here to look for porn, wanks blogs, or the like of those so decidedly depraved and beyond help working as inspiration for my own demise. Next, I need to remember that life without rules is not life without consequences. I know full well that the actions we take lead to future feelings and circumstances that I may not desire. This is true with porn on line. I can tell myself a thousand times that this time I will do it and not feel any guilt. That we have no rules now so anything goes, but nothing can dissolve the law of sin that leads to death. These people cannot be happy, they are polluted beyond any control of themselves and are addicted to themselves. That is real, that is a consequence. In the words of Kamalot "Every move we makes sets our destiny!" So true. I pray that I can learn moderation this upcoming month and that living without rules I can know how much I need to have before it destroys who I am.