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So it has been awhile since I last blogged, I miss it, I need to blog more often.  I found I need to just put it on my daily list of must get done things, as I had on my list for today!  I've been so busy lately and it seems to show no signs of letting up!

Man, so where to start?  My sex life, consisting of masturbation and solo sexual auto erotica, has been slow, to put it mildly.  I think I find a sort of personal self-righteousness in not giving into my desires; this is in the footprints of Thomas Aquinas or even Epicurus, who said to obtain ultimate pleasure we need to refrain from it... interesting concept, but not sure if it is one I can aspire to.  Sometimes my temptation is just to take the easy road, but I'm sad to report I am finding I have less and less sexual energy and drive now.  I don't seem to have the desire to whack off, certainly not on a daily basis like I used to.  Could this be a sign that I am past my sexual peak?  I hope not, but fear that it is likely true, I'm not 16 anymore.  

I'm also finding that I'm drawn to porn again, from time to time, because I like the idea of sexual arousal and fellatio between two youths over 18--not into pederasty, thank you!  But I am a Christian too and in my heart I know seeing this pleasure between two guys in basketball shorts is a sin, as much as the images turn me on to orgasmic heights.  At least I feel that seeking such content out is not right, well not right after I spill my seed.  Fortunately, the temptation is not that great to go back, although I do think about it from time to time.

I know, too, that I have, in past entries, struggled about my personal sexuality.  Am I gay, bi, asexual?  None of the above?  The more I am alone, the harder it seems for me to get out there and really explore my sexuality.  I admit that there is fear still in me.  I fear the reaction of me coming out in this small town I live in, I know I sound like some high school kid who can't be who he is, the problem with me is I don't want to know 100% who I am, I want to be in this space of gray, neither black or white, where it's safe.  People can think I am gay and honestly I would not have a problem with that, since such thoughts would save me the trouble of having to be honest with them about who I like.  Part of me feels this is intensely private, why should anyone really know who I prefer or what orientation I am?

I seem to be struggling and evolving in a world that is evolving around me.  My church seems to be embracing more and more that homosexuality is acceptable.  A group is starting up within my church that aims to be a safe place for gay lesbian  bisexual and transgender people.  They want to start a monthly "safe place" for those who are identified as GLBT to socialize and be who they are.  Do I dare step out of my shell and join them as a "gay" person?  For now, I am a very sympathetic supporter who is patiently waiting on the sidelines to see what is going to happen.  I know that if I was to "come out" within my church community, I would be accepted.  My family would be not be "happy" about it, but I don't think they would be shocked, I've had more than one person (well three people now) say that they thought I was gay, or could tell by how I carry myself, my personal mannerisms, that I am a gay man.  I have to say that kind of bothers me, to be totally honest.  I don't like the stereotype of a gay man, I don't like to be perceived as effeminate.  So what? I like to have a nice house with nice things, decorated if you will, but does that make me some women-man?  Less of a man?  I am into sports gear, motocross, that is very masculine, right? At least I think it is.  I think I will leave it at that, but I will say one more thing, this is a very significant roadblock for me to admit to anyone (who is straight that I don't know from on line) that I am gay.

The second big factor is my best friend, who is a very kind man, but one who firmly feels that homosexuality is a sin.  I value his opinion and I think it would be so hard for me to face him to admit that I am going to be gay and live a gay lifestyle.  He said he would still support me, but I can tell that it would put a serious strain on our relationship.  I know that my goal is not to be a people pleaser, but part of me does not want to be hated, to be scorned.  I know how hard it can be to be openly gay while in a small conservative town.  Sure, if I was out in HS, and I had the courage, support and opportunity to let everyone around me know who I was and if I had not built this life that I find myself in, it would be easier.  But I did not live that life, I did not accept this side of me for many, many years; and now I am stuck in the residue of what I have built, a perception of a straight single man who just seems to not be married.  Is this who I am destined to be? Can I live like this for the rest of my life?  To be alone?  It helps that I am an introverts  I don't mind having hours and hours alone, to do my own thing, but even introverts get lonely from time to time.

I would add one more complication to my sex life, or lack thereof.   That is, I find myself not attracted to 90% of the men out there.  There is a sliver, a 10% sliver, of youthful, slim, hairless guys into sports gear that I would not mind messing around with. Those are the ones with potential, but what on earth do I do with that?  My only solution seems to live a double life one where I troll the internet for fleeting relationships that will ultimately break your heart (because they are not real). It's not like there are gay clubs where I live and even if there were, I doubt I would go to any--not while I am still confused and closeted.  The problem is my  type seems to only be found over the internet, and I don't see myself moving to who knows where for some guy I meet over the internet.  So far in my dealings with the internet I have found dead ends and disappointments.  So, once more, there are more stumbling blocks.

I can satisfy myself asexually.  I am first and foremost a fetishist.  I own the gear I have what I need, and I can afford to get more.  But that is not a relationship, it is stuff.  I still get lonely at nights.  Sure, I have a community of people I associate with on the outside, who know that mask I present to the world, but not that many people know me for who I am deep down in terms of the dark recesses of the enigma of my  sexuality,

Whoa, that was a really long post!  I guess I have a lot on my chest to get off!  I know that in the next year I will have to make some hard choices, I just pray that they will be the right ones.  Yoga helps... a lot.