Crisis and Pain

BR 0.55656

Last Thursday was possibly one of the worst days of my life.  I won't go into all the details of what happened, but the long and short of it was I got put on administrative leave without pay for 1 and half days for doing something I totally don't think was my fault.  I decided to have someone cover the phones for me while I went to lunch, and apparently I was not supposed to do that.  Rather than hashing out all the details of this event and the subsequent actions, I rather concentrate on why I feel the way I do and how I can overcome these feelings.

I am a strong believer that by journaling we can flesh out our thoughts in a constructive way and by doing this come up with clear and decisive ideas about what to do.  To start out, I need to explain how I feel.  I feel like shit, I feel bad, not normal, very mechanical and fearful.  I have lost some of my apatite, I certainly don't feel horny at all and even struggled with wanting to masturbate at all.  I feel guilty even to do it. When I think about why I feel bad, I find it hard to really dissect the true causes.

Part of it has to do with how I was treated by the person who put me on leave, the way he spoke to me, it came to be as a shock, I went into shock.  I had not been treated that way since I was a little kid and felt the same way I did when I was fired from my last job nearly ten years ago now. Part of the pain is the feeling of loss, that I have lost respect by my co-workers, that I have been degraded, shamed.  What I went through was humiliating, there are no two ways to look at it.  I have tried to put on a brave face and deal with this one day at a time, to do my best, to forgive, but the pain inside me will not go away.  The pain is also fear, fear of the unknown.  I hope and pray that I can go back and re-read these words with such a foresight knowing how this all turns out.  I have applied for so many jobs, it's ridiculous; but who will call me back?  And if I do get called, how will I go about getting time off at work--after the mess I have been in--to fly to who knows where for a day to interview for a job I have no guarantee I will get.  It's a horrible, expensive process.  I don't know if I will be able to go to Colorado as planned, and that really bothers me.

There is so much stress and uncertainty at work right now, I don't know if I will be able to get away or not!  I plan to do a PAID leave request  in a few weeks, hopefully after some of this simmers down and I regain my footing.  I just wish all of this would go away, all of this fear, but it won't, it stays with me.  All I can think of is in time it will get less and less and I will find some way to be happy again, I don't know.  I am certainly not happy now, that much is certain.  I am not looking to date anyone as I think I will be leaving, but I don't know when and that is the uncertainty that is killing me.  When will this all resolve?  I am in some kind of limbo, stuck in a job I should not be in, and not knowing how long it will take for me to get out.  But on the flip side, which is also compounding these feelings, is that I'm sad because I don't really want to move away from my friends, it's just my job is so bad I feel I have no choice.  No matter how many people hug me, virtually, or in real life, it still seems the same...no trust, no comfort, no life...

Now I will go and apply for yet another job to get out of this place, I pray this all ends well.