Sorry It's Been So Long

BR (2014) 0.57504

To anyone who reads this blog and cares about updates, if such a person exists, sorry for not updating this for literally one and half months.  :(  I have to admit that I have sort of gotten a bit burnt out with always journalling about the same (or similar) subjects.  So I just took a little hiatus.

If you are interested about my masturbation history, hence the main theme of this blog, I masturbated 201 times in 2013, with a final BR of 0.555489.  I did not meet my goal of .70.  Furthermore, last year represents a decline of 16 sessions from the year before, 2012, which is a about an 8 percent decrease.  Honestly I don't really care.  I kind lost the desire to make masturbation stats a focus, and I honestly don't know why I continue to show you my rate, as hardly anyone comments on it, but nonetheless, I have it up for those who do care.

Now onto what I want to talk about.  I have been feeling a dilemma brewing within more for the last few months, January is always the worst month for me as its my birthday month, which means I am a year older and still living essentially the same life I had for the last ten years +.  Single, living alone in a small town, no girlfriend, still pretty much uncommitted as to my sexual orientation.   Now I did "come out" last June and had a bit of a personal epiphany of sorts, I had at last made a stand on my sexuality with my family and a few other close friends, but after that revelation and reading a book, I feel like I have come back to where I was.  I have been unwilling to step out there in my town as a gay man as I just don't feel that is who I am....despite everything I have been through, I still am not 100% gay, this means I am bi, which to me makes matters even worse, I have a choice, which way do I really go?

I know I am bi more so now than before, because I have seen boyish looking women, well one girl in particular, who I really find HOT, but I haven't the guts to ask her out as she is MUCH younger than me and frankly out of my circles, if you know what I mean, she is not a professional, just a girl who likes to party and whatnot.  I know, I sound so harsh, but my attraction is strictly physical.  But I bring this up to say I have heterosexual tendencies.    On the other hand, I have all these fetishes which are wrapped up in maleness and seeing guys do their thing in gear....I am afraid, and I simply will not go into more detail on this on the internet, despite my supposed anonymity, of aspects of this love when it drive me to looking at younger men.  It's just not....healthy.  So I just don't know what to do.  I have been thinking about signing up again for eHarmony.com, because I just don't see myself dating a man. I see my gay brother call his lover, "sweet heart" and seeing them hold hands, and my stomach heaves. It's weird, I don't know how else to explain it.  They want to get married, which will also be very awkward for some members of my family.

But, I am pushing 40, 40!  And I just don't think I can go on living alone for the rest of my life.  I am an introvert, I think that is pretty obvious, but even introverts get lonely sometimes.  I just need to settle down, find a girlfriend, sweep her off my feet and live happily ever after.  I know that is a dream, a fairytale.  Relationships take work, scarifies, cause a huge amount of pain to people, but would it not have been better to have at least tried, or died knowing I tried then to have just given up because I feel I am in the gray-lands between black and white?  I set a time and date to start again on this new adventure of "love", I will date GIRLS and see what happens, surely somewhere out there, God has someone in mind for me that will make me happy, that will understand my kinks and get me, someone who turns me on sexually, surely.  And if not, I guess I will look for a guy..... I just don't know what that will look like, it certainly will not be like my brother's relationship.

That's about it.  I am thinking I will go to a concert tonight to just interact with people, who knows, maybe that girl I like will be there?