Much Change and Much to Think About

BR 0.6400

Well it is three months later now, man has the spring past by fast!  And I am sad to see that I have not done well in keeping up with this blog.  I have been meaning for a long time to get back to writing and parsing out my thoughts so I can analyze my future.  So on the masturbation front, I have lost ground, just look at my score, in the 60 percentile.  So far only 115 times and today is reckoned as the 179th day of the year (I don't count January 1 as day one as it is not a full day--24 hours--until January 2). Anyways, back in March, I was in the 80th percentile.  So why the slowdown?  I will tell you, one very simple reason: GIRLFRIEND!  Duh duh duh!!!

Yes, it's true.  I have a real, living breathing, girlfriend and she has sapped my sex drive.  Well, that is not 100% true, I was slowing down before she came around, but until recently, I have stopped masturbating as much.  Why, you ask?  Well, it's simple.  I, as a gay/ bi-sexual man-- have thought I could really go either way, so when she came around, we have not had sex, I thought I would focus my attentions on her and as a result, I have not done so for myself.  Why am I with a woman and not a man?  Well, I don't think I am 100% gay, in fact I know I am not, I have seen that in various encounters I have had, so I thought, since I really lack experience with women, that I wold give it a shot and see how it goes.  I met her on line, one of those dating sites, and she was the only one to respond to me.

She and I actually talked about the masturbation issue recently, and she pretty much gave me permission to continue looking at porn and doing my thing, which I have done so with pleasure.  But all of our issues are by no means resolved, and boy do we have issues.  I am with her because for the first time in a long time, I have found someone, who I know for a fact, likes me....a lot.  That says something, you know that she is not playing games, she is not just wanting to be your "friend", so I have not let this one go.  She is sweet, she is funny and I do really enjoy her company, but as I have been saying to everyone I talk to about her, that this has been a huge adjustment for me.  She is from a different background, and taking that with a smattering of other issues, I think it unlikely we last.  But what can I do?  I can't just dump her because I have a few reservations, can I?  I think in time, she will come to understand that we will ultimately not be that happy together as a couple, but I don't want that time to happen just yet.  I think if it does happen, it will be a mutual agreement, and if it doesn't, well there just won't be an engagement party anytime soon, but who knows, I may change my views on this.

So I hold onto here because I want to see what it's really like to have a girlfriend, to be in a relationship, and who knows, maybe all of these issues we are having will melt away and the things that annoy the hell out of me about her will be less important and there will be hope.  What I am focusing on is living through the moment, not hyper-analyzing everything and projecting needlessly into the future, for a future that is increasingly uncertain.  So am I wasting my time?  I don't think so because with this girl I am learning what I can do, what can turn me on from a woman, and for the next round I will be far more selective for what I want because I will know.

I will ensure she will never read these words, as she does not know about this blog and my last name is not listed on purpose, so I will touch on the main issues:  1) Lack of education and questionable intelligence.  She can learn, but her reading level is very low, spelling atrocious, vocabulary at a 7th or 8th grade level, at best, and I am afraid it may be too late for her improve.  She has never been to college, I have a Masters.  2) Lack of career.  She does not work in a job I would consider "titled".  3) Zero physical attraction, save that I like the look of her face and eyes, but her bottom half disgusts me.  4) Family is a bit sketchy, a lot of divorces and kids out of wedlock, people living together and not married, that kind of thing. The family feels provincial, but the jury is still out on that, besides I am not dating her family, just her.  5) Faith traditions totally different, will be a challenge.  6) She is a tad clingy, but I caulk that up to me being and introvert, not really an issue for her more on my end. 7) Lack of financial skills, not organized, etc. Seems to be a bit ditzy, if you know what I mean.

So why do I hold on?  Well someone told me that opposites do attract, and if we married someone exactly like us, we would hate ourselves, so there may be wisdom there.  I like having girlfriend, I like that she likes me, I like that she is so in love with me that she is willing to change.  She also has a child, from another marriage, so I think that is special, so I think there is hope on some level.  I don't know, I hope I am not too gay that this will never work, but that is over analyzing again!  I will keep you posted on the developments, for now I just like to keep her around as long as I can.