Letting the Bomb Drop

BR  .6818

Well last night was very interesting and disturbing.  I don't often post about particular events in this blog, as you know if you read this blog, I don't consider this a "diary".  I often think about why I do blog at all, all this information is so personal, so private, and I am sharing it with strangers across the internet - but just about no one really knows who I am, and it is that anonymity that makes this medium possible.

That was a very long preface to set up what is really on my mind.  I am sure at some point in this blog I have mentioned that I am ABDL. Anyways, my new girlfriend and I were talking and we were discussing how we would get on in the bedroom, in that how she could use some of my fetishes to reach me sexually.  Well, being who I am, and having a few drinks in me, I let it slip that I have this other fetish (that I had not told her about yet, and was planning to tell her much later on in the relationship).  I did all I could to divert the conversation, but she said I cannot say that and not follow through with what it was, she would be ever wondering, and would not drop it...this went on for a few minutes until I relented (against my best judgement) and told her about it.

It did not go well.  She seemed to have accepted my other fetishes without any issue, but this one was harder, stranger, and she kept linking it with peodofila (intentionally misspelled), which is NOT what this is about in the least, I cannot underscore that point more.   Well, the upshot of all of this is that I feel awful, not so much for being an DL, but more for her reaction to it.  I have worked for so many years reading on line, joining the community, to finally come to a point that this is acceptable, if done purely for its own sake.  Hell, I even went to a therapist about it!  And he was okay with it too.  I also came to an acceptance, that there is no sin involved, but all of that seems to be little solace to me now.  She is also the first person in my life who has reacted this way, I have told two others, and their reaction was far more agreeable, I chalk that up to maturity and the depth of our friendship.  I have only known this person for 8 weeks and now she knows just about everything there is to know about me, save for a few details in the fetishes, and she does not know about the dark fetishes (blasphemy), which I am doing a lot to stop.

So in the reaction she had, it transferred to me in making me feel bad, I could not sleep, kept tossing and turning, having that deep uncertain feeling that all is lost.  She told me that she was not going to break up with me over this, but if we were ever to be together I would have to stop messing around with all that stuff.  That is a tall order considering I have been messing around with this stuff in some form or the other since I was 15!  Now I have not really been doing stuff with it recently, in fact it really is one of my minor fetishes, but to do away with it altogether would be hard for me, and honestly unfair.  It is harming no one and just because she can't handle it, is not really my problem, is it?  I felt (as you can see in my last blog entry) that I have already sacrificed a lot to be with her in that she is not my ideal match, but I am willing to look past those things to be with her and build a relationship.  I am contemplating posting something about this on line on a site frequented by some in the community to see what their feedback would be.  The main thing I have learned is be damn careful what you say, what you allude to!  I already messed up twice in the last few days by saying things that have gotten me in hot water with her, it will not happen again!!  Relationships are hard!!