BR 0.60136 - 2013 Sessions: 101
I don't know what I am doing with my life, but it seems that in my case all roads lead to Rome, or should I say bateworld. I broke down and became a member yesterday after I saw how affordable it really is, like 7 bucks a month, so that's a cup of coffee a month. So by now, if you read this blog, you know that I have this thing I call an addiction fetish. What I am learning is that there are others out there that feel the same as me. There is a lot on bateworld about getting yourself addicted, giving into it and enjoying porn and all the pleasure this can give me. There is even a support group for it, to encourage you to do it more. Start out asking do you masturbate once a day, no? Then start doing it daily, and then increase the time, bathe yourself in porn and ramp up the desires to feed the addiction. You then get yourself on a cycle, where the more your masturbate, the more porn you watch, which in turn makes you want to masturbate even more. It's the whole quantity and quality thing--they go together.
I must admit, this is such a turn on for me! It's related to the whole "be dumb" thing that I was recently attracted to, in that it's a release from control. In the addiction, your cock controls you, not you controlling your cock. You surrender everything and make it part of your spiritual practice, that way there is no conflict-- I'm not making this up, its on one of the internal site blogs. They seemed to know just the right thing to say to invite me to take this deeper, I am not shunning God, I am inviting Him into the practice that He created! If I am not "sinning", then there is no reason in the world why prayer and masturbation cannot be put together in a way...or is this blasphemy? I don't know, but I seem to think God can hear our prayers as long as we are of sound mind...
I also saw one post about how masturbation makes you happier. Give in to porn and masturbate, allow the addiction to take hold. Do it for a month and you will find that the deeper you go, the better it gets. Are these just lies made up to make people like more horny as hell or is it true? I mean that is the gold at the end of the rainbow, isn't it? The addiction is the means to make it better, more fulfilling. It all relates to the same idea--the loss of control is pleasurable. Whether it is bladder control and you pee freely into a diaper, or self control and you edged for hours and your don't even realize you had...that kind of complete surrender of control, not caring about any other worry in the world, only focusing on your penis and the pleasure he gives you.
I know this is dangerous. I've been here before, where I throw all caution to the wind and give in to it, enjoy it. But the thing about addictions is there is always a price, no matter how much I want to make that price not exist. Everyone has only so much time on this earth, 24 hours in a day, that is it... I can't do everything I want to do and be a chronically addicted masturbater to boot, as hot as that sounds for me. I wonder what kind of lives the people on bateworld, and I mean the ones who are chronically addicted, masturbating 5,6,7 hours a day, what do they do? They don't have time for relationships, to read books, to watch TV, exercise, everything that makes up a "healthy" person. Getting that deeply into porn has a price--it does as much as I would not want that price to be there.
As I said, I've been here before, but what has changed is that now I am a member of this site and I wonder where all this will lead me, will I end up so totally addicted that I no longer attend church, do the things I love (other than masturbating). I'm not sure, but for now I am allowing a little control to slip to see how far I can ride this wave. After all, the more your masturbate, the happier you'll be! To think all those years I fought against this, and now I am on the dark side. Not only permitting it, but now actually encouraging myself to get myself a little addicted for the fun of it, why not, right? We'll see, I will let you know how far I take this and if it's all worth it. My parting thought, that I find so valid, is that I do need to make my practice my prayer life. Pray and make thanksgiving to God when you bate, it is a gift that we all need to enjoy.
Monday, June 17, 2013
Monday, June 10, 2013
Who is Adam?
BR 0.56378
I have not made a post like this before. As I am learning more of you are reading this and have questions. I love that, by the way. I feel this is an interactive forum now, not just an on-line diary that no one but me reads.
So what is Adam about? Well, I am a solo-sexual fetishist. So what does that mean? Well, unlike other conventional people, I don't get off on seeing naked girls. I don't fantasize about having sex. I literally get excited when I am wearing athletic gear, like sports gear. Somehow that is what makes me hard. So I dress up in motocross outfits, or basketball shorts, and wear loose hightops, or some combination, and that transforms me into this sexualized athlete. I will either jerk off in this gear, or go online to see other guys like me jerking off in the same stuff, or see guys wearing this stuff. This is why I think I am gay. It dose not work if I see girls wearing it, it has to be guys. I have in the last few years taken this a step further and enjoy seeing a guy get a blow job from another guy (but while in gear of some kind) baseball, soccer, football, basketball, hockey, motocross, or army gear. Gear that makes a guy a guy... it is a masculine thing for me that is sexual.
Ok, so what about the diapers? That is a whole different fetish that I ALSO have. Adam is a complicated dude. This one I can analyze a bit more since I know pretty much why I got into it. For one, just to get things straight, I don't wear diapers on a daily basis. I tried that, its more of a pain than its worth. I am what they call a DL, a diaper lover. So that means that I get off, or sexually aroused, by wearing a diaper and using them. I have some AB (adult baby) tendencies, but I don't live out that lifestyle...I find that the weirdest part of it, I started out as a DL, so that is my main thing. So here's the story. I was a kid once, as you can guess, and this kid was swimming in a lake and had to pee real, real badly. He pees in the lake, it felt good, in a weird funny kind of way. This kid then makes a connection, that he can feel that same weird, good, funny feeling if he pees his pants. Then he thinks, what if he pees his pants and no one can tell? He could, wait? wear a diaper! He goes to grocery store and buys a pack of Huggies with his paper route money, he wears one, he gets off on it, he masturbates for the first time in one, and then...he is hooked--a DL is born...that is how it happened.
On masturbation. I have gone back and re-read some of my old entries. Wow, have I changed! I can see it so well in what I used to say, how I took such an aggressive stance against masturbation. You may recall in 2010, I posted about changing churches. When I switched to my new church, my ridged position on masturbation changed and relaxed some, and then I came to the point of total surrender to it. It felt good to just stop fighting and allow my body what it seeks. To some degree I am still in that phase now. My great oscillation is not as severe anymore, I no longer have huge guilt trips and make punitive plans to stop, I really don't see what the point is of that anymore. I have moved on spiritually to a plane where I see masturbation and all it entails as acceptable. Maybe I am wrong about that, but that is--nonetheless--where I stand now. You will note that I had a great weekend in terms of this area of my life, see my BR is up! hehe!
More later, and guys, keep asking me questions! I'm glad to oblige. P.S. Things are slightly better at work.
I have not made a post like this before. As I am learning more of you are reading this and have questions. I love that, by the way. I feel this is an interactive forum now, not just an on-line diary that no one but me reads.
So what is Adam about? Well, I am a solo-sexual fetishist. So what does that mean? Well, unlike other conventional people, I don't get off on seeing naked girls. I don't fantasize about having sex. I literally get excited when I am wearing athletic gear, like sports gear. Somehow that is what makes me hard. So I dress up in motocross outfits, or basketball shorts, and wear loose hightops, or some combination, and that transforms me into this sexualized athlete. I will either jerk off in this gear, or go online to see other guys like me jerking off in the same stuff, or see guys wearing this stuff. This is why I think I am gay. It dose not work if I see girls wearing it, it has to be guys. I have in the last few years taken this a step further and enjoy seeing a guy get a blow job from another guy (but while in gear of some kind) baseball, soccer, football, basketball, hockey, motocross, or army gear. Gear that makes a guy a guy... it is a masculine thing for me that is sexual.
Ok, so what about the diapers? That is a whole different fetish that I ALSO have. Adam is a complicated dude. This one I can analyze a bit more since I know pretty much why I got into it. For one, just to get things straight, I don't wear diapers on a daily basis. I tried that, its more of a pain than its worth. I am what they call a DL, a diaper lover. So that means that I get off, or sexually aroused, by wearing a diaper and using them. I have some AB (adult baby) tendencies, but I don't live out that lifestyle...I find that the weirdest part of it, I started out as a DL, so that is my main thing. So here's the story. I was a kid once, as you can guess, and this kid was swimming in a lake and had to pee real, real badly. He pees in the lake, it felt good, in a weird funny kind of way. This kid then makes a connection, that he can feel that same weird, good, funny feeling if he pees his pants. Then he thinks, what if he pees his pants and no one can tell? He could, wait? wear a diaper! He goes to grocery store and buys a pack of Huggies with his paper route money, he wears one, he gets off on it, he masturbates for the first time in one, and then...he is hooked--a DL is born...that is how it happened.
On masturbation. I have gone back and re-read some of my old entries. Wow, have I changed! I can see it so well in what I used to say, how I took such an aggressive stance against masturbation. You may recall in 2010, I posted about changing churches. When I switched to my new church, my ridged position on masturbation changed and relaxed some, and then I came to the point of total surrender to it. It felt good to just stop fighting and allow my body what it seeks. To some degree I am still in that phase now. My great oscillation is not as severe anymore, I no longer have huge guilt trips and make punitive plans to stop, I really don't see what the point is of that anymore. I have moved on spiritually to a plane where I see masturbation and all it entails as acceptable. Maybe I am wrong about that, but that is--nonetheless--where I stand now. You will note that I had a great weekend in terms of this area of my life, see my BR is up! hehe!
More later, and guys, keep asking me questions! I'm glad to oblige. P.S. Things are slightly better at work.
Friday, June 7, 2013
This blog, a note to my readers
B.R. 0.541763 ( falling behind -_- )
Wow. When I am in my darkest time, I get feedback on this blog. I think God's timing in interesting for sure! I just wanted to take this opportunity to thank all my readers. When I started this blog, it was with the intent of me to journal out my thoughts in an interactive way. I used to journal in notebooks all the time, going back to when I was in high school. I bought four identical spiral notebooks when I was a Freshman in college. When I filled up every page, I started this blog. I am so glad I did it on the net and not just in a book for only me to read, it allows strangers who "stumble" upon this blog to know me and contact me personally. That means a lot to me, it means that I am not alone, that there are others who care, who want to know me.
It means a lot right now because my life is a mess. I am about to switch jobs if I can get a new one! Let's hope. I have suffered from some serious anxiety issues, just check out my bate rate! I can't get off on things like I used to as life is just too stressful, but all that to say that things are getting better and those of you who do care, thanks for the kind thoughts.
I am running out of time! Need to get back to work. More to come!!
Wow. When I am in my darkest time, I get feedback on this blog. I think God's timing in interesting for sure! I just wanted to take this opportunity to thank all my readers. When I started this blog, it was with the intent of me to journal out my thoughts in an interactive way. I used to journal in notebooks all the time, going back to when I was in high school. I bought four identical spiral notebooks when I was a Freshman in college. When I filled up every page, I started this blog. I am so glad I did it on the net and not just in a book for only me to read, it allows strangers who "stumble" upon this blog to know me and contact me personally. That means a lot to me, it means that I am not alone, that there are others who care, who want to know me.
It means a lot right now because my life is a mess. I am about to switch jobs if I can get a new one! Let's hope. I have suffered from some serious anxiety issues, just check out my bate rate! I can't get off on things like I used to as life is just too stressful, but all that to say that things are getting better and those of you who do care, thanks for the kind thoughts.
I am running out of time! Need to get back to work. More to come!!
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