More questions about masturbation

Anyone reading this blog can see that my life tends to get hung up on sexual issues. This is because I am single and I have devoted a lot of my time towards masturbation and my fetishes. I have been confronted on this several times, most recently was when I was undergoing the Doors of Hope course, which I never finished. There I was told that any self gratification, or masturbation, was a sin and it had to be stopped. I challenged this assertion because I was not able to find anything in the Bible about this being a sin. Well, now I am looking on line once again and I have found so many sites that are opposed to the practice and it is really frustrating me that so many Christians out there feel this way. I had gone through all of this so many times before and yet I end up in the same place once again questioning and wondering what I need to be doing.

I didn't plan on spending my valuable time today on this subject, as I have so much I need to be doing, but I find that once again I need some time to reflect on this as I have been moving towards increased masturbation in the last week, which was something else I was going to blog about as well. I had planned on writing a manifesto, if that is even the right word, detailing all the scripture references and how they deal with this subject, the subject of lust, and really what our response needs to be. My goal, of course, was to use this to affirm my beliefs that it is okay under certain conditions, etc. Well my self confidence on this issue is fading because oddly enough I googled the words "masturbation" and "prayer". I was wondering if there was such a thing as a masturbation prayer and in a dark crevice of my soul I was hoping to hit the Temple Priapus site again, but instead I was hit with page after page of how to stop masturbating, how it was a sin, etc. etc.

Now I am blogging to try to reflect on this in a deep and meaningful way so I can start to figure this out. After all, that's the name of this blog! I am not really sure where to begin. I suppose I can detail a little bit of history on where I have been going the last few weeks or so. I have looked and joined several yahoo groups (it always seems to start with the yahoo groups) on pro masturbation groups. Mainly because I was tired of always running into groups that were trying to make me stop. You see I had made the decision that I didn't think it was a sin, but so often I craved so much to see and observe those who are addicted to it. This kind of goes back to my desires earlier to go onto the temple and cock worshiping sites. The idea of giving oneself to the feelings and desires in a ritualized "quasi religious" setting seems overwhelmingly delicious to me. The process of seeing people in so much pleasure and yes lust makes me hard. This is my flesh crying out for more, and I see that my desires to dabble in this has acted to propound the desire so that I do form the addictions myself, which turns me on even more and more and so there is a downward spiral, a decent into masturbatory addiction and self worship. I began to worry when my decent actually landed me on a Satanic site, pentagrams, inverted crosses and everything. I came while on it and it made me feel exceedingly guilty. I can't help it, but in a way a rebellion against the rules of Christianity is part of this, and I hate that. Ex-Christians.net actually gives me hard on thinking of all those ex-Christians feeding their desires now and living under the illusion of freedom, when in sad reality they are in chains to the sins of pleasure and Satan has them where he wants them. But how to break that desire to see it is beyond me.

I prayed and did so many push ups that night because I looked at the cock worshiping blogs as I knew I sinned and was doing evil on myself. I had gotten to close to the flame of sin that I got burnt from it. After much self inflicted pain I did feel better, forgiven and justified. I prayed more on the Wednesday and took communion and really really tried to focus on God. Well last night I went on line again and masturbated. I had planned this mainly because I wanted to and really saw no sin or harm in it--I was not going onto any Satanic sites that time, only looking at a guy masturbate in a on-line video as I mimicked his behavior with my own. I thought my sin on Tuesday was the fact that I was getting off on genuine evil. Now after reading all of these Christian sites, I think even what I did last night could be considered wrong.

I think maybe I have gone too far with this, joining sites like Bate Nation and three yahoo groups that send out pro-masturbation e-mails by the hour seemingly. I can see wrong in it because it does take so much of my time now thinking about getting off and what the next masturbation game will be, all in an endless fruitless effort to get high off of it. A self induced drug to get a better and better fix. Edging and devoting more and more time to the act, elevating my penis as a little god, so easy and tempting to "worship" like all the others out there. I have always spoke of needing balance, needing regulation. But maybe something like this really can't be regulated when I am soaking in porn pretty much and interacting with people who are so addicted to pornography their lives are defined by it, spending hours, days looking at lustful things and feeding their addictions until it's practically irreversible. I know if I carry on, reading and looking at these sites while mindlessly edging away I will become like them, a slave to porn a slave to my penis's desires. Sex is such a powerful thing, it really can take over your life if you let it. I think I have allowed myself to taste the carnal cyber fruits and now I do have a bit of a compulsion forming.

So maybe masturbation is a sin? Where on earth does that leave me? I mean I spend 15 year trying to stop it, maybe I never knew the way how? What is so hard is the feelings it gives, how can I walk away from orgasms? And don't give me this nonsense about the marriage bed, God has not blessed me with a marriage, maybe because of this very issue, but it is an unending cycle, because I persist in masturbation because I am not married. My counselor, my own thought, my frustrations at the inability to permanently stop, my realization that this is a physiological need all have led me down the road that it is okay to do it. So I am left with questions again and now you see where I am. I am afraid to just give all of this over to God. I feel that at some point in my life I did this already, in one of my plans or programs I did this, but maybe my problem is me. I want to solve it on my own terms without really giving it over to God and His true desires of me. I know I have done this and I end up masturbating anyways waiting on something from God to tell me to do otherwise. Perhaps I just need some more patience on this and just not worry about it so much?

I like to leave my thoughts and ramblings with some kind of action plan. Here is what I think I need to do from this point forward.
1.) I need to read up in the Bible and actually write my manifesto. This will involve some of my old writings on this subject, but the goal is to look at what scripture really says. Yes, I know I wont see the magic "m" word in there, but that does not mean there are not other passages that may be helpful in sorting this out. Maybe from there I can get a personal constitution and interpretation to reflect specifically on my behavioral goals. Similar to my 1990s Analysis of Human Behavior journal, this will look at it from the scripture side more.
2.) After the manifesto is done I need to write out my personal behavior contract as to my final interpretation and goals as to what I will and will not do. I hope to answer: What is the nature of lust for me? What is sin? Where does God want to take me? How do I deal with my physical needs? What is holy and pure masturbation? Does it exist?
3.) Once I have a plan, I actually want to start my own Yahoo Group that support my plan. It will be a group of Christians that will either be in support of lustless or moral masturbation or it will be a group dedicated to stopping it once and for all. I am not sure at this point what this will look like, but I feel no matter what, I would like to form a group on it so I can find others out there that are in my camp. I may very well delete my involvement on gooning, etc. if I feel that those groups are pulling me away from my manifesto and promoting what is porn and lust for ME, not what is porn generally for others. I am unique and maybe looking at a guy jerk off is not a big deal because it doesn't cause me to lust after the guy. Who knows I will look forward to what I find out. In the end I pray that this manifesto is the be all end all on this 15 year debate I undergone on masturbation. I will post the manifesto on this blog. More to come.
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